Callin' You Out: Old People

I've been putting off my licence plate renewal, for uh, 29 days now, and today I was finally able to take the morning off work and take care of bizness.

First things first: I had to get the all-important safety and emissions test. Doesn't the government know that "Dangerous" is my middle name? You know, Hazelwood's Prestigious Ass Kicking Dangerous Bacon Sauce Most Wanted.

Then I got to the DMV at 12:30 in the afternoon. Left at 1:50.

Side note #1: Okay, I realize a) it's my fault for going on the last day of the month, and b) it's even dumber to go in the middle of the day.

Howevuh, the only people at the DMV at 12:30 should be the working crowd. Judging by the looks of everyone (at least 100 people while I was there), not many of them were working (see: old people, some stoners, hoosiers, etc).

Side note #2: I also realize that going to the DMV on Lindbergh isn't good because it's a well-known fact that people in Hazelwood don't work. Even though this DMV is in Florissant, it's close enough that it draws plenty of attention from the H-Wood crowd. I am a rare bird in the fact that:

1) I'm from Hazelwood
2) I work full time

Back to the story...I spent an hour and twenty minutes at the DMV, mostly because of stupid old people being there during lunch time. The picture above is what the first two rows of seats looked like today. As you can tell, I was pissed. Old people are supposed to be there at 6 am, not when people (who still have jobs) are in a hurry during their lunch hour. I'm sure my boss didn't mind me strolling in there after 2 pm for a half day.

As I told the Mad Librarian earlier, this is reason #937426052795 to hate old people. I know none of them will read this, since we're only on the internet thing, so feel free to print this out and shove it in your grandparents' faces later this year during Thanksgiving or Christmas.

If any of you jerks have dumb comments about me being a dumbass, I'm startin' a fight.

Mission Accomplished

All is right with the world. We head out to Kansa-shitty, and bring back two wins for you guys. Uh...yer welcome.

We've been talking about making the trip to see some Cardinals/Royals action for a long time now and it finally came to fruition. How about a well deserved round of applause for Big Head for doing the coordinating, and to Miss Head for the hotel hookup.

You'll be able to read my recap of the trip on Tuesday's insideSTL column, and some more thoughts (regarding us) that probably ought to be saved for our little site. I don't think too many people care about the Mad Librarian's possible appendicitis/vertigo/scurvy/the clap/whatever she had over the weekend due to an overwhelming amount of BBQ on Saturday. To her credit, she toughed it out like a champ and is safe in the comforts of her home, away from Sir and I for a while.

I'll post the iSTL link when the article is done, which will hopefully be written later today when my fo'head isn't bumpin'. Also, Big Head has a bunch of pictures, mostly involving gross jerseys and me flexing my right gun. So it'll be like all of our other pictures, just more recent.

PS. Check out this article from Friday night. Who's this fuckin guy? Let's add the Aboulhalkahthhrgherh curse to the B-Flex dictionary. (Yeah I punched my keyboard there, cuz I'm the fuckin' man)


Road Trip...Nothing Can Go Wrong Here

We'll be taking the show on the road this weekend, on a little cross-state trip to Kansas City. It sounded like a good plan a month ago, but now that the Cardinals are 0-4 vs the Royals this year, I'm not sure I want to watch. The good news is that technically the Cardinals are "due," whatever that means. So lets just put BertFlex on autopilot for the day and we'll check in with you tomorrow night to discuss the happenings. Also expect a big recap in Tuesday's InsideSTL column (unless we don't have any fun). Here's the weekend in a nutshell, as stated by Big Head over on Mizzourah.

You smell BBQ. You hear pinging and Dee-Nee music. You see a five spot of a genetic mess wearing bad jerseys. There's only one explanation; It is a Bertflex/Mizzourah weekend in Kansas City. Along with Sir and the Mad Librarian from Bertflex, HMW, Miss Head, and myself will all be in KC for the Royals/Cards games on Saturday and Sunday. Yes, I said "Miss Head". Trust me, between waaaay too much RBI Baseball, my unhealthy obsession with Mizzou and the St. Louis Cardinals, the fact that I created a MySpace for a blog, and at any point she could walk in the door and find me covered in BBQ sauce reeking of Budweiser and looking like the Michelin Man beat the hell out of me and yet she has no questions, I wonder how she's stuck around this long. To this point, I say to the naysayers that there has to be a higher power.

If you're heading to either game, hit us up with an email at bullyforoldmizzou@gmail.com, and I will let you buy me a beer. For Saturday's game, I believe HMW robbed Jesus of his seats, because we are in Sec 102 behind home plate for a sold out game. As far as Sunday's game, Sir has volunteered to turn tricks for five tickets. We did get an email from someone named "Denny Matthews" saying that he's definitely in for some Sir ho-action, but Sir is still questioning the validity for some reason. If you spot a crew of shitty t-shirt jersey wearing idiots (Brian Barton, Kyle McClellan, LaRue, other shitty jerseys) come up and say 'hello'. It's us.

He failed to mention the inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit by the Mad Librarian. Will the defendant be Sir or me or both? What's Vegas saying?

Later mangs.


Orange Juice Mayo is Bad for Bizness

The NBA gets a well-deserved lack of respect here on the BertFlexes, and oddly enough, so does the stock market. We've never been confused for big time financial wizards here ($22 on a Kyle McClellan t-shirt, $45 for a plug on baseball-reference.com, etc), so stocks and "money management" kind of get neglected for bacon, violence, and stuff I saw on TMZ.

But let's kill two birds with one stone here. On Thursday morning (about seven hours before the NBA draft) Nike announced that they signed USC dropout O.J. Mayo to wear their shoes, do commercials, and possibly file some Q2 paperwork for an undisclosed amount.

The result? Nike stock drops $6.47 and finishes at $59.50. Way to go jerk.

Insert your own "O.J. killed ___" jokes here. Looking at you Jim Rome fans, go ahead, do it.

Stay Classy, Will

Back when we started this site in late 2005, it was mostly to share funny tidbits from around the internet, mixed in with some original content that a few of us could laugh at and enjoy two or three times a week.

We didn't look to break news or offer some hardcore analysis on pinch hitting player X over player Y in the 8th inning of a random Tuesday night game. We just wanted to be another voice on the internet for our handful of fans (us), hopefully entertaining them (us) along the way. And if we picked up a reader here or there as they searched for nipple slips and went home disappointed, that's cool.

We had a few influences for starting it all up, one of which was a new sports blog called Deadspin. It's become the Chet Pleban of blogs. You've all heard of it. You're honored that you have read it. You brag to your friends when it talks to you.

Our loyalty as Cardinal fans has helped us build a friendly relationship with soon-to-be former editor of Deadspin Will Leitch, beginning back in summer of 2006 when he posted the "Best Fantasy Blunders" article to the blogdome. We got something like 1100 or 1200 hits that day, which was about 1100 or 1200 times the normal amount of hits per day. In a 2007 article, the poetic waxing of our own Big Head is featured here. And this past Saturday, Sir and Big Head's Omaha trip was also blogdome'd.

We kept in touch with Will a couple times during the Cardinals post-season run in '06, and a few months ago he had the honor of posing for a picture with yours truly at his book signing. Two internet superstars in one place - it rivaled any Pacino/DeNiro flick, maybe better. Will was also our celebrity voter in the Tournament of Death earlier this year, something I'm assuming is at the top of his resume (in bold italics with little stars around it).

But now Will is moving on to a new venture at New York magazine. If you have a chance, check out his posts on Deadspin this week; lots of good stuff (and who doesn't love a Carl Monday flashback?).

From the whole crew at BertFlex.com, we'd like to wish good luck to Will, and thanks for being the mainstream voice of Cardinal fans everywhere. As a public message to him: any time you want to write up a Rick Ankiel man-crush column, we'll be happy to post it.


Life Imitates Art

Can anyone tell me which one of these screenshots is from the movie Major League and which one is from a recent MLB game? I can't tell...


Holy Doctor

Most of us grew up on shitty powder blue uni's running bases like a man posessed on a 12in TV with rabbit ears (with foil of course on the ends) that had to be changed with the pliers that your dad stole from the neighbor. On random 1980's Sunday afternoon, your dad got housed on MGD or Bud and you sat there in your jorts, flip flops, and little league jersey with your baseball card collection in front of you looking like an absolute tool, wondering why your mom was always wanting a new station wagon. And we loved it.

New school meets old school at Channelsurfing.net, as they have their own old skool baseball channel. '55 World Series? Check. Watching Pee Wee Reese rack himself on a foul ball, of course sans cup, was one of the highlights that Channel Four New York couldn't turn away from. I realize it was 1955, and apparently hitting yourself in the dick hadn't been common enough for protection, but Channel 4 was a pretty heartless bastard back then to stick with the coverage. Then, five minutes later, one of the Yankees players goes down in a heap like Eight Belles on the backstretch. Conversation by announcer (only PxP, no color guy. Insert old tyme 1950's racist "color" joke HERE) went something like:

"Ohhhh!...Someone bring out the stretcher. Ok, here comes the stretcher [player being loaded on]. Allllrrrriiighht, let's play ball!"


**Post Edit**
Since the press box was a tight fit and all media was in there, in the bottom of the 8th, you can hear some writer macking on some chick in his best Rex Banner '50s voice. Awesome x2. Two minutes later, Ralph Branca gets the boot (not playing) and you can pick up all the '50s sweet curse words. Awesome x3. Job, you just took a back seat.

English Iz Stoopid

If you know me at all, and it's fair to say you don't, you know I love hyperbole. It's fun to say, fun to use, and delicious with bacon. I've been a fan for, like, forever.

Now since "hyperbole" means to exaggerate, it seems like "hypobole" should mean to understate. According to official sources (that is, not Urban Dictionary), however, "hypobole" is a form of argument where you anticipate and refute opposing arguments.

Do you know what that means? It means that a word that is fun to say has a completely boring and useless meaning, that's what it means.

Not. Acceptable. I hereby call on all who read this to liberate hypobole and return it to the meaning I think it should have.

OK, this shit is getting a little heavy. I'll throw you a bone (heh, bone):

Not bad looking, right? (See what I did there?)

So it's like this--
Hyper Bowl: Best Bowl Ever!
Hypo Bowl: Not Too Shabby.

Got it?

All Tatted Up With Nowhere to Go

In anticipation of dealing a hellacious RBI Baseball beatdown to Hazelwood's Most Wanted, I went and got myself a tattoo. I think you'll agree it was money well spent. 


What race is everyone on BertFlex?

Um, Caucasian.

Well...there you go.

-OMG, we're on MySpace, and we're up to 11 friends (pending more), lol!!

-And like, FaceBook too.

-This week's ramblings from HMW is on insideSTL. A James Madison Gang reference was included, so you know it's good.

-Over on Mizzourah, Sleezy breaks down the NCAA football conferences and how they compare to different types of women. Good stuff, and at least read the article for the pictures.

-In his Sporting News column, The Good Face writes about...let's see, hold on a second...the Red Sox??!! NOOOO! East Coast bias! Go back to the East Coast, you East Coast jerk!! Didn't know we had Bill Simmons writing for us. Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble.

-In next week's first installment of Cardinal Blogger Appreciation Month (BAM!), we ask some hard-hitting questions to athooks of cardinalsdiaspora.com. For a slight preview of what he's all about, check out this article from Yahoo, reviewing Busch Stadium III. Despite comparing this version of Busch to a port-a-potty, I think he went kind of easy on the new place.

At least it's not the Metrodome.


Pinging For You

Want a CWS story that you can have for a lifetime...and maybe even with tests to show that you're positive for some sort of disease? According to Craigslist's "Random Encounters" (see: Wanna fuck?), one of the CWS youngin player's is looking to bag himself a dude. Yep, you read that correctly. I'll let you insert your own "Pitcher/Catcher" gay comment here _____.

And I said 'insert your own'. Hee Hee.

Douche Bag Report: Chris Duncan Edition

You might be saying to yourself, self, you might be saying, is the Librarian really going to kick Chris Duncan while he's down? And my answer: Of course I am. But I'm not here to pile on about Dunc's awkward stroke and limp bat, his defensive bumbles or his poor base-running. I'm here to complain about his face.

Each night after Lil' Dunc smokes a giant bowl and wanders out on the field in search of Cheetos and anime porn, we're treated to the dual horrors of his cheek o' chaw and creepy facial hair. The chew habit has been well-documented by the "real" media, and I'm not going to drone on about the health hazards. His end-stage tongue cancer, his problem (and from my own experience with grape Big League Chew, I know how hard it is to shake an addiction). But dude, you look like a chipmunk.

The facial hair is a much more serious offense. Shaving choices send a message. A giant beard says "I can fell trees." A goatee says "I think I'm the shiz, check out my sweet guns," while a soul patch says "I'm sensitive." The mustache is a bit more complex. It says "I want to sell you something" or "I want to lure your child into my conversion van" or "I am French." Duncan's look sends the message "I have the clap, and I want to be on you."

When you add in the Skoal ring, the tendency to throw big arms on the field, and the dry-humping, it comes down to this: If I had to choose between doing Chris Duncan or Brad Thompson, I'd risk the Dateline investigation and do Brad.


This Probably Puts us on Dateline's "Watch" List

One of the things listed in the letter from the editor to our lovely readers back on June 9th was that we would be starting up a MySpace page to promote bertflex.com. You're probably letting out a huge groan because you know what's coming: Beee our Friend Pleeeeezee!!

We never win any popularity contests (except for me, when I was elected 6th grade Vice President...easiest office I've ever held), so make us feel better about ourselves and be our MySpace friend.

If it can't get any better (by "better" i mean "worse"), we also started up a FaceBook page. By being on both networking sites, we hope to promote BertFlex a little more, gain a few extra readers, and creep on eighteen year old girls, have one night stands, "other."

Look us up on FaceBook or MySpace (or both). We've only sent out a handful of friend requests, so if you didn't get one, feel free to send to us by clicking those links. Unless you hate us, which is understandable.

As always, email us with any questions, comments, or tips: haymang@yahoo.com


Adam Wainwright: Honorary Flexer

In a textbook example of a headline that misses the point, the St. Louis Post-Disgrace's Sunday edition included an article titled "Wainwright's injury is one that could linger." What they should have called it: "Wainwright plans to get his meat on during DL stint."

Marooned in St. Louis while his teammates visit three American League cities, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright has planned a tour of his own. When he's not rehabbing, he'll be noshing — eating his way through a map of the finest local joints for barbecue and fried chicken. ... Armed with a list that includes Hodak's, Smokin Al's and Tin Can Tavern, Wainwright plans to spend the week seeing what kind of grub he can get his hand around.

We salute you, Mr. Wainwright. Don't forget your toilet paper.


The Road (Trip) To Omaha

This past weekend, I made my second annual pilgrimage to Omaha for the College World Series, joining BertFlex contributor the Biggest of Heads for the festivities. If you've never been to the College World Series, there's really three things you need to know: poon, ping, and bad jerseys. To get this post started off on the right foot, we have the obligatory poon collage below. You're welcome.

Since Fullerton didn't make it this year, there were no Kevin Costner sightings. However, there was a celebrity even BIGGER than Costner... Sulk Hogan!!! That's right, folks. Sulk Hogan was at the College World Series in the flesh. We even got a picture of him as he sat behind us in the stands. What do you mean - his name is "Hulk Hogan"? I don't think you should be messing with the Sulkamaniac like that. If you know what's good for you, you'll just take your vitamins and say your prayers... and apparently get some fresh squeezed lemonade from the concession stand, brother. I can't decide if this guy is an absolute tool or a complete bad ass for going all in on the Hulkster look. I guess if I could pull it off this well, I'd do it too.

Since I'm a moron and hate sunscreen, the tops of my hands looked like raw meat from being sunburned. Being the resourceful college graduate that I am, I decided to start a new trend at the College World Series and picked up some awesome gardening gloves to protect my hands. Depending on who asked, the joke was that they were either my Ass-kicking Gloves or my Groping Gloves. In reality they are just my batting gloves because all I do is rake. Just look at those beauties; I was beating the chicks off with a stick all weekend!

Since this is an NCAA event there was no alcohol allowed on site. I mean, obviously these college athletes would never condone something as vile as drinking, especially since some of them are under age. Luckily, the security guards and cops were pretty cool for the most part as just about everyone was walking around outside the ballpark with open containers. Big Head was among the ones partaking in an adult beverage or 5 when we were walking up to the gate Tuesday morning. Even though BH was intending to pitch the remnants of his beer before getting to the gate, Security Guard Jerkface McPartyPooper threw him out of line and took his ticket away (a general admission ticket of which we had more, mind you) before even getting to the gate. In what has to at least tie a record, Big Head was ejected from the ballpark before entering the ballpark. Bravo, sir! We walked around to the other entrance and got in with no hassle.

The Pellegrino Curse continued this weekend as I bought a Rice Owls hat and they, in the words of ESPN's Mike Patrick, were "0-2 and a BBQ" in Omaha. Last year, I bought a Fullerton hat and they too were eliminated by Tuesday and didn't even make it this year. I'm sorry Rice, I really am. Then again, you did give up 17 runs to Fresno State AND blow a 3 run lead in the bottom of the ninth to LSU so I can't really take all the blame for this one. Good thing for one Mr. Cole St. Clair that the MLB draft was the week before since he allowed six runs in 2.2 innings to lose an elimination game that the Owls led 5-0.

Big anti-dap to the Rosenblatt ticket takers for completely effing up admission to the Saturday night Georgia - Florida State game. The early game ran long and by the time everyone was leaving the park, the line for the night game was already long. Apparently the powers that be decided it would be best to start the night game on time even though there were still about 8,000 people (not exaggerating) in line waiting to get in for the premier game of the day. There were even reserved ticket holders waiting to get in after the 3rd inning. We gave up on getting in the door after the 4th since there were still probably 2-3,000 people waiting to get into the general admission section. Way to eff it up, guys. We went home and watched in on tv, then I blew Big Head up in RBI Baseball (Reggie Jackson and Dick Schofield FO' LIFE!).

Inspired by the bad food posts on Bert Flex recently, combined with that fact that I'm a fat ass, I decided to go to war with a Half Pound Hotdog. Just look at that beast! It was like a double-jumbo dog, crossed with death on a stick. I took it down in four minutes which is a pretty good time for someone who is not on the Major League Eating tour. Yes I know you could have eaten it in 30 seconds, then used the remaining time to have sex with the concession stand girl; thanks for sharing, Suck Norris.

We have a history of being highly offensive on this site, and you've got to hear what was probably the most offensive comment of the weekend. So these girls who look like they're about 12 walk by completely covered in purple body paint; on their clothes, their faces, everything, as you can see by the pic. Since Big Head and I have no love lost for LSU fans, both of us were commenting on the choice of attire/paint for these possibly under-age pooners. After a moment of quiet reflection, Big Head drops "It looks like they were all raped by Grimace." Game. Over. I knew we had to get a picture of him standing next to them. The girls were all excited to get their picture taken with an internet celebrity and radio superstar like Big Head. Too bad they had to wait until this post to find out why we wanted their picture. Thank you, ladies. You stay classy, Big Head.

The nasty jersey crew was in full effect at Rosenblatt as you can see from the collage below. Yes that IS a Stanford Mike Mussina jersey AND a Trevor Hoffman Camo jersey. The guy rocking the Columbus Clippers jersey was all too eager to have his pic taken. Thank you all for entertaining us.
Oh yeah, there was also some college baseball played. Whatever, that wasn't nearly as interesting as these great stories. If you want more awesome pictures from Omaha, come get some: College World Series 2008 Photo Gallery

**Co-Editor's note/update: Sorry Sir, I had to put this picture in the post. It is too good to be buried in our photo gallery. Pretty much sums up all Nebraska fans in one fell swoop.



Great Moments in BertFlex History

You might recall that a couple days ago we did an e-mail interview with Baseball Prospectus' Kevin Goldstein, a man of wealth and taste. What you might not be aware of is that this interview was mentioned in Rob Neyer's ESPN blog yesterday.

The pudding, in which you'll find the proof:

Unfortunately, not only are your dutiful BertFlexers too poor to pay attention, but we're also too poor to pony up for an ESPN Insider subscription. We can only assume that the rest of Mr. Neyer's column went on to debate the merits of bacon vodka, bobblecrotches, or other Flexworthy topics.

Stay Classy, BertFlex

In today's "ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod" news, Will Ferrell says Anchorman 2 is a go.

My initial reaction was to pour champagne all over myself, and I did. Of course, my negativity set in and I realized this sequel will probably be the most over-hyped comedy ever, and will be hard to live up to the greatness of the first one. But still, if they get the full cast back together (or at least the four guys...and Wes Mantooth), how can you not be excited?

The downside of the article is that Ferrell says it will probably be at least a year until they have time to write the script.

No Will! Stop what you're doing and devote all your time to this project. Take a year to write it, whatever. Just make sure it doesn't suck. We need you Will, we miss your musk. We're a mess without you.

Ike Hilliard: Secret to your Fantasy Football Suck-cess

Think you know fantasy football, dummy? Well you don't! Jon Gruden knows fantasy football, so shut up! Here's a little advice for you so-called "gurus" who write on your computer machines, giving some crap-ass advice about who to start/sit and what defense has the best matchup. If you're not starting Ike Freakin' Hilliard as your #1 top super ultra WR, then you're going to suck. Here, put this in your pipe, tell 'em Chucky:

"He's played on a lot of division championship teams; he was a No. 1 draft choice," coach Jon Gruden said of Hilliard, who was drafted by the Giants in 1997. "For whatever reason, some of the gurus don't (have him) on their fantasy football teams."

For those of you who don't memorize stats, check this shit out: 62 catches, 722 yards, 1 TD in 2007 for Hilliard. I'm drooling all over my keyboard, hold on...

All this time I was wondering why my teams sucked so bad last year, and now I realize that "not having Ike 'Division Championships' Hilliard" was the problem all along. Reggie Wayne, Torry Holt, and Larry Fitzgerald were clogging up my squad with all that production. But Ike Hilliard = Wins, and that's all that matters in fantasy football.

Lesson learned (feel the face).


Drink Your Pork

It's a scientific fact (and by 'scientific', I mean Sir has said it) that bacon is better with anything...including booze. Not with booze, but now AS BOOZE! Getcha Bacon Vodka right here.

1 large sterile mason jar
5 - 6 strips of cooked bacon
1 bottle premium Vodka

Add bacon to the mason jar and fill with Vodka. Let the bacon steep in the vodka for a few days in a very cool place or the fridge. After the Vodka is infused with bacony goodness, remove the bacon, cover the jar with cheese cloth, secure it and strain the Vodka into another clean container.

Enjoy what I like to call "Tuesday" and get crunk on bacon.


A Hard Nine With Baseball Prospectus' Kevin Goldstein

It's not everyday that we present the thoughts and opinions of someone who's actually worth listening to. Today is one such occasion. In the first installment of our "Hard Nine" interview series, Baseball Prospectus prospect guru Kevin Goldstein takes some time to give back to the community of baseball geeks for which he is at least partially responsible.

We humbly thank him for everything.

1. Obligatory fantasy dork question: Which prospect who currently is in the minors has the best shot of making a major-league impact this season?
Chase Headley of the Padres.  Outfielder who will hit for average, hit for power and draw walks. (Editor's note: This interview was conducted just before Headley's callup.)

2.  With prospects, sometimes it's hard to know how to pronounce their names. It's kind of the same with you. Are you a Gold-steen or a Gold-stine?
"Steen."  I used to be hung up on it as a kid, but not anymore.  Now I'm just stuck with everyone assuming I'm Jewish (I'm not).  That list includes my father, who kind of rediscovered his Jewish side in his middle-age years and now assumes for some reason I have as well.  He'll do things like ask me what I'm doing for Yom Kippur even though I've never celebrated it once in my life.  It's weird.

3.  Do you watch much major league action in your free time? Or are you more interested in the South Atlantic League pennant race?
I certainly watch quite a bit of it, just because it's what's on baseball-wise.  I go to far more minor league games than major league ones, and I always joke that by June or so, I know far more about the Reading Phillies than I do the Philadelphia Phillies.

4.  Why do scouts grade everything on a 20-80 scale? Is it safe to say that all my tools grade out in the mid-teens?
Ask Branch Rickey, it's his scale and everyone uses it on some level.  Some teams go 2-8, some teams allow half scores (like 45), some don't.  I know of one team that allows for half/half scores (like 43 or 47) as well.  I've had some of our readers who work in the sciences (we have a lot of readers who are way smarter than us) tell me that the 20-80 scale is used in some sciences -- the three scores above and below 50 represent one, two, and three standard deviations from the norm, and anything more/less than that doesn't work.  I don't really get it necessarily, but I don't try to either.  

I have good news for you on the second part of your question.  You can't go lower than 20, so you're 20 across the board.  I have no idea how athletic you are, but hell, you might be a 25 runner – maybe you could beat Billy Butler in a foot race. (Editor's note: Hell yeah I could!)

5.  Who is one player that you were sure was a lock to be an MLB stud who just fizzled out? What did that experience teach you?
There's certainly a few.  Ben Grieve and Corey Patterson come to mind as two guys I thought would be perennial All-Star types.  I can't really say I learned anything in particular from either.  The most important thing to know in prospecting is that there is no such thing as an absolute.

6.  Some of my best friends are stat geeks. What is one thing they would be wise to learn from scouts?
To get out of the house more, and to kiss a girl.  Seriously though, SOME (not everyone is anti-scout) need to realize that tools and skills are important, especially in the minor leagues and the value of statistics one finds in the minors can range greatly from really telling to totally irrelevant.  There are certain types of players that can put up great numbers in the minors but because of the type of player they are, it's just not going to work in the big leagues.  I used to be a number geek myself, and then I learned that scouts do a better job of projecting prospects than the numbers do. 

I'll share with you a story that I always do with questions like this.  In 2001, I was at a Kane County Cougars game.  They had a good team that year, with Adrian Gonzalez, a No. 1 overall pick, at first base, Josh Willingham in the outfield, and some others.  After the game, a scout told me that the best player on the field was the shortstop, who hit .268/.327/.382 that year.  Not only was he the best player for the scout, but the best hitter he'd seen in the league for years.  It made no sense to me at all, as the guy didn't hit for average, didn't hit for much power, and didn't walk much.  That player was Miguel Cabrera.  That's why you listen to scouts.

7.  It's generally accepted that a player's late 20s are his peak years. I'm 28. Is writing for a fourth-rate blog the best I can hope for, or do I have a breakout season in me?
I didn't get into baseball writing until my 30s.  You have plenty of time.  I still haven't peaked.

8.  Reading your chats, it's apparent that you are a fan of the adult beverages and questionable cuisine (e.g., White Castle). Regale us with a tale of a particularly noteworthy feast.
I'm a big fan of food in general, and I'm a good cook, but I'm not a snob about it.  As much as I can appreciate a fantastic, expensive meal, I also see lots of good things in a sack of sliders.  I think the craziest meal I ever had was at Perlan, a restaurant in Reykjavik that rotates above a geothermal power processing plant.  I ate both blackbird and puffin there.

9.  If you were a player, what kind of player would you be? In addition to your position/batting prowess, please indicate whether you'd be scrappy, sullen, Manny-ishly aloof, etc.
I'd probably be a fringy left-handed reliever who throws curveballs, hopes for grounders, and only gets used if the team is up or down by at least ten runs.  I also throw left and bat right, but the resemblances to Rickey Henderson end there.  I'd probably be a lot like Milton Bradley – he's a great teammate, but he doesn't deal with failure well, and he's got quite the temper.  That, for good or bad, sounds about right to me.

Truthfacts of Yesterfar

(The second in an occasional series.)

The world is flat.
It's anchorman, not anchorlady.
Plastic bags are fun for babies and kids of all ages.
The Irish are drunks.*
Cocaine: a delicious, legal drink additive!

* This is still under debate.

The Mad Librarian: Your Most Trusted Source of Truth Facts of Yesterfar.

Hey Guyyys, Buy Th15 Hou5e

If anyone is looking to buy a new house while the market is down, here's a "humble abode" that may tickle your fancy. Notice anything on the fitn15s center floor in pic 14?

I'm putting my bid in as we speak. 5 Grand down payment, plus loan...I'll only owe $16,515 a month for 30 years; what a steal!

Hopefully you guys can make my monthly "Hey This Used To Be Jim Edmonds' House" parties (cover charge: $2000). Although if the rich mahogany smell and many leather-bound books aren't included, the deal is off the table, James. My message is clear.


Stuff and Junk and Things

Hey, ____ I've got these articles that you ought to read, if you have time Monday or Tuesday, can you read them? Cool, thanks. I'll keep calling you six times to confirm you'll read our articles; you'll confirm, and then forget to read them. Sound good?

-This week's insideSTL.com article, in which I go through a potpourri of Cardinal news and notes. Eh, let's be honest, I sucked this time. Once in a while (always) I like to set the bar low and knock you out with a kick-ass column when you least expect. That's the plan, be ready for a good one in a week or two.

-If you've been under a rock, check out Big Head's rundown of the Big XII as potato chips over on Mizzourah. Quality stuff. I even got into the fun of writing about college football for the first time ever. Of course I had to put a fantasy spin on it.

-And Annie Fresh has a new post about getting boozed up in the Broncos' locker room last week with Jay Cutler and Co. My hopes are at an all time high, don't disappoint me with weak pictures, Ann.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball knowledge. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the BertFlex glossary).

Like all fantasy experts, Tony likes to show off how much of a badass he is, so here's a badass picture from Sandlot Slam III last month. Normally, we go with an up-close photo to capture all of his badass-ness, but this is the closest we could get without being in immediate danger of another lazy F-6. I like to call this picture "Crouching Tony, Hidden Popout."

Let's get to the questions!

1. Annie Fresh (Denver) - Who's shitty?! I'll tell you who, A Fresh's Crew (my team). Last place; not good! I need serious help! Who is a player that will help my team this summer that no one has thought to pick up yet? As a side note, shut up Cubs fans - it's only the beginning of June - either the Cards or the Crew will take the Central. Let's chat again in September!!

Ann, you're screwed. If you're in last place in June, just pack it up. There are no miracles on the waiver wire that will get you from last to first. Even if Jay Bruce and Clayton Kershaw are still available, that's not enough firepower to get you into the money. Face it, you're a donor this season; better luck next year.

Also, you're wrong about the Cubs. They're going to run away and hide with this division. The lead will be at least 7 by August 1. Sorry to break it to you, but it's gonna happen.

2. Big Head ('86 Cutlass) - What will Gordon Beckham be remembered for the most when his playing career is over; his hairmet on draft day or his PT with the White Sox?

I am very much not high on Gordon Beckham as an MLB prospect. I'm not sure why because if you look at his college numbers, he's not much worse than Posey. I just don't trust college shortstops to be productive shortstops in the majors. I have no faith that his power will translate and he's not fast enough to be a top of the order burner. His hair, however, is top-shelf shitty and will be forever how we remember Mr. Beckham.

3. Your Mom’s Favorite Flexer (St. Charles) - Hey yo, I’ve got Albert Pujols and Alfonso Soriano on the same team. Tell me one guy who is (a) available and (b) likely to help me stay afloat in the batting stats.

Wow, Bert and Fonzie both going down are going to kill you for the time being. If you're ballsy, consider trading one of them for a lesser but healthy player who can keep you in the race. Especially if this is a keeper league, dealing one of them to play for this year might be the best way to win now. If you don't think you have the horses to win this year, punt it and play for next year.

4. K. Goldstein (inside the Baseball Prospectus SuperComputer) - So I read your enlightening coverage of the 2008 MLB Draft (the Good Face, by the way, was en fuego). Who are some guys to track for next year’s draft?

Steven Strasburg of Tony Gwynn University (San Diego St.) is an absolute beast: think Brian Matusz with better gas. The Padres blog Gaslamp Ball has called him "a pimp." He fanned 23 in a one-hitter this April. Watch for him to single-handedly drag SDSU kicking and screaming into the NCAA Tournament next season. He's boss.

Big Head loves Tar Heels first sacker Dustin Ackley, whom he and I got to watch this weekend in Omaha. He kept trying to bunt so I already hate his guts. He did hit .387/.489/.591 and stole 15 bags so maybe he'll work out if he stops bunting. Swing the bat, dork. He'll have to move off first base to be an impact MLB player.

Another college arm to watch is Mizzou's Kyle Gibson. He had jack and squat against Miami in the regional, which was a bummer. Even though he spent the end of the season in the pen, he'll be the ace of the Tiger staff in '09. Had a 69/18 K/BB in 63 innings this season. The Project Prospect guys compared him to Phil Hughes.

HMW wants me to mention Ruben Sierra Jr in this space, so here's a scouting report from Perfect Game: "Ruben Sierra Jr. is a 2009 OF/P with a 6'2'', 175 lb. frame from Miami, FL. Long, lean athletic frame, very projectable. Huge tools, 4.18/6.68 speed, big OF arm. Left handed hitter, plus bat speed, big leg lift trigger, lots of balance issues, tends to fly open, ball explodes off bat. Also mid 80's off the mound. Big league bloodlines, big league raw tools. Now living in Puerto Rico." Having never seen him and knowing nothing about him but what I've read above, his top comp is Bernie Williams purely because he moved to PR.

5. Julie (St. Chuck) - Tony, I'm a lady who's the Best Man (or Best Ma'am in this case) in an upcoming wedding, and I don't have a clue what to say in my toast to the bride and groom. Can you help a sister out?

Here's what you do: find the most embarrassing / incriminating story you have on said person and completely embellish it. If you don't have enough dirt on him to cause his new bride to question her decision, I suggest something like this. You're welcome

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to haymang@yahoo.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years (none recently) and gets paid to analyze baseball players, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

For previous versions of "Who's Shitty" click the tag below.


The First Bert Flex Poker Night. Kick it Gambler Style

On Friday night, at my lovely abode, we will be hosting a Bertflex Poker Night. Festivities should begin at 7pm, if you are interested let me know, by dropping me an e-mail at stlouis.hack@gmail.com or post a comment below

I'm grilling, and have beer on hand, so bring some chips or other snacks.

The Brilliant Legal Theories of Kevin Slaten and Chet Pleban

Recently, Kevin Slaten gave the St. Louis Post-Dispatch a "peek" into fellow member of the Missouri Bar, Kevin “The King” Slaten's law suit against KFNS. More than likely, this is a tactic encouraged by Slaten's attorney, "Super Lawyer" Chet Pleban to further taint the St. Louis County jury pool with selected disinformation about the suit. Nonetheless, it's a good tactic, but only if your client isn't a douchebag.

Evidently, the case, which arose because KFNS fired Slaten after he put Dave Duncan on the air, without Duncan's consent, will turn on a novel legal theory, throw the producer under the bus. Yes, Slaten is blaming the whole thing on his producer's Attention Deficit Disorder. First, it was the Cardinals' fault for firing Slaten by pressuring KFNS, now it's ADD. I expect Pleban to add the makers of Ridilin as a defendant to the suit any day now. Way to go guys! Great way to sell your side of the story, embarrass your former producer by making his disability public. Gentlemen, what you have done, is to honor the profession of the practice of law.

Our Best Food Events

Last Friday, we brought to everyone's attention the 20 Worst Foods in America. Most of the "foods" on the list were well over 1,000 calories, the worst topping out at 2,900. While most people were probably disgusted by half the list, we tried to figure out how many of the 20 things we've devoured (9 or 10, depends on some technicalities...either way, we're fat).

I decided to come up with a top 10 list of our best food events; hopefully our doctors, personal trainers, financial advisors, or healthcare providers don't see this list. Unfortunately I wussed out and refuse to put these in any particular order. It's like picking your favorite child - all parents have one, but they don't want to hurt the other kids' feelings by saying it out loud.

I'd like to point out that these are consistent events only, not one time things like eating cookie burgers, a tube of cookie dough, or finding out how much destruction a bag of baby carrots can cause.

Honorable mention: The Jack in the Box Heart Attack Meal.
I put this as an "honorable mention" because none of us have actually gone through and ordered this meal from JITB: Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger (1090), Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges (720), Oreo Shake (1290). Those are the calories in parenthesis per the JITB website...yeah. Order this and be prepared to turn out the lights. You're done, kid. *update: I didn't realize that this was a common meal in Sir's heyday at Alton High. I met him when he was past his eating prime.

-Any trip to Buffalo Wild Wings. If I'm on my game, I'll throw down 20 boneless wings easy. I believe I hit 30 the last time we had a big event there. But the wings aren't the main reason why BWW is on this list. It's the fact that we've gone through more than one waitress, numerous times. Yup, we're so fat and addicted to sports that we've outlasted waitresses through their shifts. I'd like to see Buzz Bissinger do that.

-Chicken Wing Platter at Hooters. I'll stick to the chicken wing theme; we've dusted off a 50 wing platter at Hooters a few times (me, Sir, and Maltliquorman). The Hooters Girls were mightily impressed...that we didn't have to leave in a wheelchair.

-The All You Can Eat Shrimp at Red Lobster. All things considered, I'm not really a shrimp guy. I'll eat it, but it's one of the many things that I don't like unless it's fried. That's when Red Lobster hates me; I can down a ton of fried shrimp. Every fall (though I don't remember if they did it last year), RL runs their AYCE special for $25. I've been there with Sir and cleaned house like I was the 30th man in the Royal Rumble. Best memory was going there for game three of the '06 NLCS, watching Suppan throw a gem vs. the Mets. Good thing we were around back then in case you forgot how the game went.

-GBC. My mom makes some awesome Gooey Butter Cake. If you've never tried it, then you just don't know...

-"Hey, Let's go to Tuckers." Whenever Sir says that to me, it's an insta-call. Next time he's in town, we need to do that. Tuckers has one of the best 'big ass steak + potato (optional) + salad (very optional) + bread' deals around town. It's a shame that I never went during Freshman year at UMSL. I don't remember why, I never used "studying" as an excuse for anything. I know this is bad business and bad negotiating, but if Tucker's ever wanted to put banner ads at the top of this website, I'd let them do it for free.

-The 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, est. 2006. Past champions are: me in the inaugural, and Pink Ass Ben last year. I'm sure the '08 version will be highly competitive again. The time to beat is just a little under 4 minutes for 5 hot dogs (something like 3:50-3:55).

-Me on Super Bowl Sunday. The highlight of my Super Bowl eating career was back during the Rams meltdown in SB36. I had a hot dog wrapped in bacon. With Cheese. With Mustard. With Chili on top. Then I had another . Championship! (for me, not the Rams) Seriously, I murder some food on Super Bowl Sunday, it's not even funny.

-The All You Can Eat Tickets at Busch. This is another tradition started in 2006. Whenever you have AYCE seats for Cardinal games (or any sporting event), the game is pretty much secondary. Maybe even thirdary, if that's a word. Drinking booze and wolfing down the most hot dogs, burgers, cookies, nachos, and beef brisket (including many combinations of all the above) is the goal. You've got to make sure you get your $90 worth in the span of about 2.5 hours. The best part is that you don't have to eat for about three days since you're just buried in a reclining chair until your heart says it's okay to proceed with your life. This year's AYCE game is in jeopardy, we need to find a game and get some tickets.

-OCB/Homestyle Buffet Trips. I'd like to say that other tables watch in awe as we destroy the buffet, stack plates, stuff our face with piles of fried food, stand on a chair, and self-proclaim that we're the Fatass Champions of the Universe. But truth is, we're usually on the lighter side when it comes to the clientele of OCB/Homestyle, and that's saying something. As Mike Shannon would say, "Come and get it big boyyy." And they do.

-The Donut Burger. This was originally brought to our attention by Big Sandwich here, and carried out over at his place later that summer. I thought our homemade version was pretty good, but I'll eat anything that involves meat (hey what are you laughing at?). We also had one out in Sauget at a Grizzlies game last year, too bad they aren't hardcore enough to make it with full donuts as buns - they just cut one in half. A smaller shout-out goes to the deep fried White Castle at the Grizzlies games, but it's not as good as it sounds. After eating that at a game last year, I had to write a letter of apology to my heart. This time, he forgave me. I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky next time.

There you have it, hopefully I didn't forget anything too obvious. Moral of the story is that we're fat, but we like having a good time. And I'm out of breath from typing all that.


BertFlex Summer Intern Search: The Candidate

It's been over a week since HMW told me that haymang@yahoo.com received an application for our summer intern position (ha, position) from someone who identified him- or herself as "sir's girlfriend." I was really hoping that Trevor, the Mentos Intern, would apply, but oh well. The delay in my reply is my way of introducing the candidate to one of the cold-ass truths of trying to get a job: The employer usually takes their sweet time in getting back to you.

Due to wussy HR departments who have "legal concerns," most companies don't conduct their interviews LIVE! on the Internets. Well, son, we ain't most companies. So here's how it'll work: The candidates' words will be in a font I like to call "Subservient New Roman." My questions and commentary will be in italics, because I'm fabulous like that.

1. Dudes need not apply. We have enough of them already and, with the exception of maltliquorman, none of us are really "eye candy."
I have a rack. Stop right there. We have a winner! But I guess since you already typed some other stuff, I'll read on. I'm not a dude. Sir can vouch for me. Sir can vouch that you're not a dude? But you two aren't even married! 

2. You must be able to pick Jack Cust out of a lineup. This requirement can be waived if you have access to good seats at Busch Stadium that you would be willing to give us.
Is this the same Jack Cust that plays for the Oakland A's and used to play for the D-Backs as a rookie? Geez, why don't you tell me his jockstrap size while you're at it. ... No, really, tell me.

Um... I know a guy who knows a guy that could get us into Busch Stadium. You could just ask him. Are you suggesting that I break the rules and/or law? Is this the kind of behavior we can expect if we allow you near the BertFlex Vault of Awesomeness, which features a dizzying array of porn, frozen pizzas, and baseball cards (not to mention a life-size Joe Morgan blow-up doll)? 

 3. Uh, hmmm...I really hadn't thought this through. It would be cool if you had, like, an old NES we could play?
Yes, I have access to an NES. You supply games. Don't boss me. I'm the boss. You're the intern. Make me a sammich. I'll supply two controllers and neon orange gun. Is one of the controllers a NES Max? I only roll with the NES Max. Word to the Turbo buttons. We can discuss that later, I guess.

4. Anything else you'd like to say?
Can I still be the unofficial photographer of BertFlex? I dig that gig. :) Minus five points for use of an emoticon. But yes.

P.S. - In the process of uploading photos from Good Face Barbeque Weekend. Since this writing, pics have been uploaded to the BertFlex photo gallery. I must say that I would have liked to have seen more of me (I think I speak for everyone on that account).

P.P.S. - I notice everyone has nicknames. I was thinking "ma'am" or "madame" to play off of sir's name. But by all means, something more creative will work too. First off, you said "pee pee." Plus five points. And (b), seeing as how I'm the hiring manager here, I get final call on the nickname. I hereby pronounce you "madame." Let the whorehouse jokes begin!

AB Takeover Plan B

One upon a time, your intrepid Bertflex.com legal correspondent found himself living in Washington, D.C. for the summer, serving as an intern. When he wasn't in the halls of Congress, or touring the Smithsonian, he was in a local pub, Lindy's Red Lion, near the campus of George Washington University, where he lived for the summer.

While there, he discovered a lot of local beer. Some of it, like Foggy Bottom, was okay. There was one that he still loves after all of these years. Best of yet, it's American-owned, and America's Oldest Brewery. Yuengling (Pronounced Ying-ling) is a wonderful beer. Hack even had Sir's parents bring back two cases that Sir purchased in Pennsylvania back over Thanksgiving. (There is still some left, ready for the next Bertflex.com poker night).

It turns out that Yuengling is now available in Tennessee! Hack is visiting Tennessee in a few weeks, and is he looking forward to loading up the trunk with two cases of the stuff. It's going to be a Smoky and the Bandit-style death race back to St. Louis, even if only in my mind!

If AB gets bought out by those fancy-pants Europeans, maybe it's time to bring America's oldest brewery to St. Louis. They even have an Eagle on their label.

Shocking! Unbelievable! News!: Hrabosky Loves Anheuser-Busch!!

Al Hrabosky wants you to help save AB from dem farriners' takin' over Busch Beer! (Video here)

First they take 'ar beer. Den they take our women. Den...dey take 'AR JOBS!!!

rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble

If Hungo says to save Anheuser-Busch, you better do it.

Dooo it: saveab.com


First Annual Urban Dictionary Bee

If you're like me and tired of all those dorky home schooled kids getting pub just because they can spell stupid words that don't exist, then listen up! Your friends at BertFlex have come up with another one of their patented Greatest! Ideas! Evar!

Inspired by the National Spelling Bee, we will be holding the first ever BertFlex Urban Dictionary Bee! Competitors will be given a phrase from urbandictionary.com and would have to guess the definition, or be given the definition and guess the phrase.

The format will be "Stump the Schwab" style, where our competitors would match up head-to-head for a block of questions. Three strikes, you're out. Each player gets one pass per match and a missed question can be "stolen" by their opponent. A passed question that is answered correctly earns the passer a strike.

Bracket-style matchups, with seeding being the order in which people sign up, with byes added as needed. The lower seed in each matchup is asked the first question. The esteemed Good Face has volunteered to be the host of this extravaganza of destruction and will serve as Judge, Jury and Executioner when it comes to a player's answer.

Anyone from the BertFlex/Mizzourah family would be eligible to play, including readers, friends, and anyone else you think might know their slang ("Excuse me stewardess, I speak jive").

The date for this convocation of awesomeness is the evening of Sunday July 6th. Time and location are TBA. To reserve your spot in the Bee, post a comment. We are working on an awesome prize for the winner, and by awesome, I mean completely inappropriate, so you have that to look forward to as well.

20 Worst Foods in America: The Experts are Wrong Again

I saw this article yesterday on yahoo.com - it is the 20 Worst Foods in America, originally published by Men's Health. Hey guys, thanks for looking out for us, but where is asparagus, spinach, and grapefruit? I don't see them listed...

Any health-conscious person would never think about chomping down on these so-called "worst foods." Unfortunately health-conscious people don't run this site, which means here's a list of 20 delicious and highly recommended cuisines by the staff of BertFlex.com! Personally, I'm a big fan of #14 on this list, Quizno's Classic Italian. The large version is 1510 calories - combine that with a Dairy Queen Blizzard for dessert (hey, it's not in the top 20...must be healthy) and you'll have a championship-caliber evening.

#1 is Outback Steakhouse's Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't want any Ranch dressing with my fries, so maybe that'll knock off a handful of the 2900 calories that is contained in the picture to the left. That almost looks disgusting enough to not eat. But I like making decisions on how it looks "on paper" (in this case, a greasy, pick-it-up-with-the-tip-of-your-fingers paper):

Fries? Check. Cheese? Check. Bacon? Check. That's a Winner, folks.

(comment-provoking question alert)...

Have you guys or girls have ever taken down any of these items on the list?

-I've conquered #20 - The McDonald's Chicken Selects (but w/o ranch sauce)
-An "almost" on #16 - I've only had Chipotle's Steak Burrito; I would have thought that would be less healthy than grilled chicken.
-Many times on #14 - Quizno's Italian
-I've split #2 with a couple other people - Chili's Awesome Blossom (whoa!)

Looking at this, it's obvious that I'm slacking. Anyone want to help me add to my list over the weekend? I apologize to my heart in advance.

This has inspired me to put together the top 10 food events that are approved by the BertFlex Board of Approval. It will be posted by the time you're ready to play on the computer at work Monday morning, and should serve as a guide on how to treat your body just as crappily as we do.


Your Old-Timey Journalism Update-Sir's Serious Injury

It appears as if Bertflex contributor Sir has suffered an injury. As some of you know, Sir likes to play Vintage Baseball, and often associates himself with a local 9 who play by the rules of 1860. Your intrepid Bertflex legal correspondent recently dug deeper to find out about Sir's injury.

It turns out that Sir has suffered an injury common in the 19th century. No, not typhoid fever, or syphilis, but Sir injured his hands laying railroad track. Yes, like those hard working immigrant laborers who built America's first real transportation network, Sir hurt himself laying ties and rail.

But wait! On further investigation, I discovered that Sir hurt himself laying MODEL railroad track. Sir may be the first person to get a real injury from laying model railroad track. I wonder if the rehab center he goes to will be of 1:87 scale as well....


Draft Picks at the '08 College World Series

Here is a list of MLB draftees that HMW and myself will be seeing / heckling this weekend in Omaha. I only went three rounds deep because, well, that was the limit of the players I had heard of.

MIAMI: Yonder Alonso (#7, CIN), Jemile Weeks (#12, OAK), Carlos Gutierrez (#27, MIN), Dennis Raben (#66, SEA), Blake Tekotte (#101, SD)

GEORGIA: Gordon Beckham (#8, CHA), Josh Fields (#20, SEA)

STANFORD: Jason Castro (#10, HOU), Jeremy Bleich (#44, NYA), Cord Phelps (#107, CLE)

FLORIDA STATE: Buster Posey (#5, SF)


LSU: none

RICE: Bryan Price (#45, BOS)

FRESNO STATE: Tanner Scheppers (#48, PIT)

Looks like Miami is freakin' loaded, while I'm amazed that UNC and LSU have zero draftees in the first three rounds. I'm amped about seeing Yonder and Buster but I'm down on Beckham and Castro. Can I start a petition to start calling Yonder "What light through Yonder window breaks" Alonso or is a Shakespearian nickname too dorky, even for me? Discuss.

The Road to Omaha (I-29)

Here at BertFlex, our love for college baseball has been sort of documented here. Continuing in that kinda-great tradition, I'll recap the past two weeks of the College Baseball Playoffs.

Coral Gables Super Regional
Miami over Arizona (3-6, 14-10, 4-2)

Miami was the number 1 national seed and walked through the regional round unblemished to get here. Arizona was also unbeaten in their regional, beating each of the other three teams once to advance. The Super Regional started off great for the Wildcats, beating the Hurricanes in eleven to take an early series lead. However, Miami's first loss of the playoff and only their ninth of the season seemed to wake them up as they recovered to take the next two and punch their ticket to Omaha for the 24th time.

Athens Super Regional
Georgia over NC State (11-4, 8-10, 17-8)

Georgia dropped their first game of the tournament to Lipscomb (WHO?) and I figured they were dead and buried. Shows what I know: they go 6-1 in their next seven to make it to Omaha, beating four different teams in the process. NC State cruised through their regional, winning a pair of one run games but couldn't get it done in the end. Georgia was the lowest seeded Super Regional host and I expect them to be the first ones out this weekend, even with Gordon Beckham and his amazing hair.

Fullerton Super Regional
Stanford over Fullerton (4-3, 8-5)

Stanford was another top seed that dropped their regional opener and will still play next week. Cal-Davis got them in the first round but the Cardinal have run off six straight wins since that loss, allowing only 3.5 runs a game since then. Fullerton was the #5 National seed but didn't look as strong as normal in this year's playoffs, finishing with a 4-3 record. That means we won't be hearing rumors about Kevin Costner getting hammered in an Omaha bar at 9am before a Fullerton game this year :(

Tallahassee Super Regional
Florida St. over Wichita St. (7-10, 14-4, 11-4)

Apparently getting shut out by Bucknel was the wake-up call the Noles needed as they went off in the rest of their regional, scoring 17, 24, 17, and 16 to advance, then put up 32 in three games against WSU. Led by future Giant Busta Posey, I think it's safe to say that FSU is the nation's most explosive offense right now. The Shockers blew through their regional from the 3 hole by beating host Oklahoma State twice but, in the end, were no match for the Seminole offense.

Cary Super Regional
North Carolina over Coastal Carolina (9-4, 14-4)

Another disappointing outcome for yours truly, as I had hoped to see the nasty Coastal Carolina uniforms in Omaha. North Carolina has yet to drop a game in the playoffs, though they aren't really putting it on anyone as of yet. CCU scored 10, 13, and 24 in their regional but were stymied by the Tarheel pitchers in the next round. NC may have the best staff in the nation right now after allowing only 12 runs in their last four playoff wins.

Baton Rouge Super Regional
LSU over UC-Irvine (5-11, 9-7, 21-7)

The dreams of Eater Nation were crushed in the span of two innings in Baton Rouge this weekend. After winning the Lincoln regional, including a 3-2 win over the hosting Cornhuskers, the Anteaters went into the Bayou Bengals' home and took the first game of the series. They led the second game 7-2 after seven innings, just 2 innings away from their second straight trip to the College World Series, and off came the wheels. LSU scores 2 in the eighth and 5 in the ninth to even the series at one game apiece. The Tigers then score 6 in the first inning of the third game on their way to a 21-7 beatdown and a Super Regional victory.

Houston Super Regional
Rice over Texas A&M (9-7, 6-5)

Rice is following the North Carolina plan, having not lost a game yet this postseason. The Owls have beaten four other Texas schools on their road to Omaha. A&M was looking like a considerable foe for Rice, scoring 53 runs in their four Regional games. The Owls pitchers had other ideas, holding them to just twelve in a two game sweep. Watch out for Rice, as they have only allowed 20 runs in their five games thusfar.

Tempe Super Regional
Fresno State over Arizona State (4-12, 8-6, 12-9)

The Bulldogs are looking to be the darlings of Omaha this year, coming all the way from their #4 Regional seed in one of the most loaded regionals to drawing Rice in their first game in Omaha. Arizona State and my new hero Brett Wallace looked poised to run right through Fresno after crushing their regional 36-10 in three games, then taking the first Super Regional game 12-4. However, the Bulldogs gutted out the next two games to advance and send #3 National seed ASU home. That means no Brett Wallace AND no Mike Jones in Omaha this year. Thanks for ruining all my fun, jerks.

The New Editor of Deadspin? One Name is Missing from "The Hat"

After Will Leitch's big announcement last week that he's leaving Deadspin, AOL's blog Fanhouse, posted odds on who will be the new editor. I know your first thought is probably "AOL is still around? Do I have to have a CD where I can only be on there for 100 minutes per month?"

Second thought is "dood, who'z gonna take over!!1!??" AOL's leader in the clubhouse is Deadspin writer AJ Daulerio, with Bill Simmons and Ken Tremendous rounding out the list at the worst odds of these "name" candidates.

Hey AOL, where the hell is HMW (above)? Bringing in another Cardinal fan/high profile talent/internet superstar/genius like myself is the perfect seamless transition that Deadspin needs. It's obvious. It's science.

Despite their lack of research in that article, they did do a nice interview with Will late last week, seen here.

BertFlex Staff Cheating on You

We don't mean to cheat on you baby, but we just can't be in an exclusive relationship right now.

If you can't handle that, we need to move on; I hope we can work this out, baby. Just give us a chance...clicking these links won't hurt. Don't you want what's best for us?

-Can't get enough of the MLB Draft? Can't get enough of me?? I understand. Here is this weeks' insideSTL column recapping my experience with The Good Face last Thursday. I even threw in a couple wrasslin' references for old times sake.

-And if the live-blog or insideSTL column wasn't enough, here's TGF's recap of the draft in his Sporting News column. Hopefully my boss at work (who I told I'd be back at 3:30 that day) doesn't read it.

-Mizzourah has joined the world of MySpace. I think it's kind of silly having a website promoting a website...oh wait we're doing that too. Check them out and become their friend by clicking here.

-Our own Annie Fresh is all grown up and has begun a blog of her own. What's it about? The life and times of a single gal in the Mile High City- working hard and playing harder! I am NOT great at keeping in touch, so I figure this might work out better...

Ann will still be a contributor here (we signed her sweet ass to a long term deal), but if you'd like to read her thoughts on life, the Brewers, and Dave Matthews, check it out. She even lists us as one of her inspirations! Really? These guys?

I'm sure she knows this, but we miss you Ann and hope to see you soon.


Douche Bag Report: Ricky Horton Edition

Ricky, let's talk.

You're a grown man, but people call you Ricky. This would be OK if you were a Mexican gang leader running an international heroin ring from the clink while serving two consecutive life terms.  But you're a middle-aged ex-pitcher from Poughkeepsie, so maybe it's time to encourage people to call you Rick.  Or Richard.  Or Dick, which is classless but accurate.
And Ricky, here's a news flash regarding your career:  You were a mediocre pitcher.  Yes, you played on a few World Series teams, but you're a little more Villone than Perez if you know what I mean.  You're not much of a broadcaster either.  To hear you talk, you never left a pitch up in the zone or mistook a strike for a ball at the plate, and you always wore your uniform pants in the most acceptable fashions.  But it turns out that you're not wiser than all the current players, managers, coaches, umpires (obvious exception: Phil Cuzzi), and official scorers.  If you were, you wouldn't be sitting next to Pat Parris six nights a week answering text messages about the state of Pineiro's groin.
So Ricky, what I'm saying is that it's time you face the facts:  You're a total bag o' douche.


Hey Poochie, It Looks Like You've Got Something to Say

Yup, I certainly do.

I promise this letter from the editor won't end like the one on Deadspin a couple days ago, well...unless they make me an offer (haymang@yahoo.com).

This weekend we held the 1st ever BertFlex Summer Conference over at The Good Face's house (thanks to TGF, and especially Lady Good Face, for allowing us on the premises). Somehow, with a bunch of our staff and friends of the site on hand, nothing was burned or broken, and no one lost an eye. The first phase of the party had some BBQ, chips, cupcakes, booze, and wiffleball. That led to a bunch of sweaty guys piling in TGF's basement to watch Anchorman. After a short break, I grabbed my gavel, and we got down to business.

For the past couple months, a few of us have been talking about ways to expand the BertFlex brand. This includes readership (which I'm confident enough to say we are in the teens now...the days of us having 6 or 7 readers are gone), along with the beginning of a serious journalism blog focusing on baseball. Also, we've been talking about new features and ideas for this beautiful little site you're looking at right now. We've had some email discussions together, but I felt like we needed to set aside one big night to talk about the future of our website and where we are heading with this thing. So TGF organized the event over at his house, I threw together an agenda, and we were ready to talk turkey, brother.

I won't go into a ton of details because 1) we are still in the research/development stage of the stuff we talked about and 2) we like to be lazy and some of our ideas may never pan out - ha! Oh crap, I said that out loud. But here are some examples of things to look forward to over the next few months:

-The return of Maltliquorman (I'm putting myself out on a limb here, but I have faith)
-More tournaments - the last one went over really well
-The development of Seeing Eye Strikeout, the new baseball blog featuring interviews, analysis, research, and comedy. And no damn cursing??!!
-Cardinal Blogger Appreciation Month (BAM!)
-The BertFlex MySpace page (we'll let you know when it's up)
-Joining BallHype's Network...if they like our site
-Some form of site redesign
-Lots of BertFlex-sponsored events where we'll take pictures of us looking like idiots.

Like I said, there are some other things in motion, but when the time is right we'll unleash the fury on you.

That's where we stand for now. It was a highly productive meeting and I'm glad everyone on staff is on the same page. We have appreciated your support since the re-birth back in January, including the new people we've met along the way, and of course the hardcore 6 or 7 people who have followed our journey since November '05.