All Bets Down!

There hasn't been a Bertflex article written in awhile, but it's about time to revive this beast. In honor of the MLB All-Star Game, we are thinking NBA All-Star Game and issuing odds on who will "Make it Rain" and/or become a shooting suspect during this week's break. The closest I've been to San Fran is Oakland, which resembles Baghdad with black people. I saw the Golden Gate Bridge and watched the dogshit out of "Full House", which makes me qualified.

2-1 Pacman Jones- Would he really be dumb enough to do this again? Answer; Hell Yes. The only good payout if you do take Pacman would be "Does he make it rain with $20's, $50's, or $100's?" and "Does he use a Hefty trash bag or a duffle bag to haul the green into the club?" You need to lay down a lot of cash to make this bet pay off!

3-1 Tank Johnson- Tank's odds are free falling after his non-DUI, but that just means he's been honing up on his game. Figure out this analogy; Tank Johnson:Guns as Michael Bay:Bad Movies. See, they just fit together. How can you have a nickname of "Tank" and not be looking for trouble? Plus, he went to college at Washington, which isn't too far from San Fran. He is ripe, and smart money says YES!

5-1 Jason Richardson- He just got traded from a playoff team (Golden State) to a shitter (Charlotte). Good chance he's looking for a way out of Charlotte as you read this, and spending time in the pokey might be better than playing with Charlotte "star" Gerald Wallace. Plays in the NBA where guns and Ricky Davis are readily accessible, but still a dark horse among favorites.

11-2 Yi Jianlian- Sure, he's Chinese. Doesn't matter. San Francisco has one hell of a Chinatown. What's better than spending a winter in Milwaukee with Andrew Bogut? Anything. Smokin' some heads and heading back to China is an option that Yi might just take up. Might get mistaken for Yao Ming, so the odds that someone could actually pinpoint Yi over Yao takes Yi's odds down. Ok bet, but has a great alibi of "Las Vegas Summer League", but again, what doesn't happen in Vegas, still stays in Vegas. Would add to well needed street cred.

13-2 Prince Fielder- Don't get in the middle of a buffet and Prince Fielder. Cold bodies turn up. Might happen if you bump Prince during his hourly Rice-a-Roni session. Instincts say no, but again, his dad is Cecil, who spent some time in the pen too.

10-1 Barry Bonds- 'Roid rage happens to everyone from Brian Bosworth to Chris Benoit. At least Bonds doesn't have a wife to throw a Bible down next to. Plus, he would have beaten the white guy's homerun record, but not Hank Aaron's. A great pick with a decent payout. There is no time better than now for Bonds to do this.

23-2 Chili Davis- Chili Davis is just a bad muthafucker. You don't mess with Chili Davis. Some Las Vegas casinos could take odds on Chili Davis conspiring with Jeffrey Leonard, who would then do the "Flap Down" around the cold SOB that pissed them off. Chili's 1987 resemblance to Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction is phenomenal, and Chili probably has a "Bad Muthafucker" wallet too. And in that wallet lays some money that says not to bet on this happening. It's just funny to think about.

18-1 OJ Simpson- Played for the 49ers at the end of his career, so he is somewhat familiar with area. He is due for some publicity, and is looking for a sequel to "How I Would Have Done It". Could be a good bet, with a great payout.

20-1 Tim Hardaway- Played most of his career with Golden State, and hates gays. San Francisco is faaaabullllous Tim. Make sure your not carrying a purse around Timmy, or your head may fit in a box.