If You Weren't Already Thinking About Bacon While Your Woman Gets Undressed...

Yesterday I posted on insideSTL the top crappy gifts to get your special lady for Valentine's Day. Those were all Cardinal-related, and shouldn't be taken too seriously, as they were truly craptastic gifts.

But one thing i can get behind (possibly pun intended) is a bacon strip thong from the fine folks at bacontoday.com. If you're spending a bunch of money on flowers, dinner, jewelry, or any other bullshit gifts for this upcoming "holiday," you might as well toss another 10 bucks into the mix and have a little fun.

The link will take you to Cafe Press, where they apparently have over 400 bacon-related underwear designs for you to pick from. I wasn't creepy enough to look through all of them, but there are some good choices.

I mean, if they had hot models wearing the bacon underwear, I would have glanced at a few hundred more to see what else was out there.

Mmm...E-Bacon

So you think you had it all figured out? You combined your bacon with vodka. Then you combined bacon with chocolate. Then bacon with turduckens, cheese, and cinnamon rolls. Nothing could stop you.

But the one thing you forgot was the um...the uh, internets.

If you'd like to add bacon to any website, all you need to do is put http://bacolicio.us/ in front of any URL, and this is what you get:


Having a slice of bacon on your computer screen is pretty cool, but it makes me really hungry. And it gets in the way of the porn.

A Wonderful, Magical Animal

Hey it's Friday. We're pretty much giving you our two weeks notice with this post. You'll have to go elsewhere to hear about new and innovative ways to eat bacon, soooo good luck with that.

I'll try to squeeze in as much bacon news as I can up until Valentine's Day, so let's start with something called The Bacon Explosion.

As always, the description will get you all tingly:

The Bacon Explosion is a massive torpedo-shaped amalgamation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage.

Unfortunately we don't get a look at the inside of the finished product, but here is how the whole concoction appears on a grill after being cooked to a tasty perfection of X-Plosion!



One might suggest it would probably be easier to just eat a full pig, without having to bother figuring out what's the bacon part and what's the sausage part (no 'that's what she said' jokes). But what's the fun in that? Look how awesome that amalgamation is! Excuse me while I look up the definition of amalgamation.

As I told reporters earlier, one of my favorite things that I've never tried is woven bacon. How awesome of an idea is that? Truly one of the best innovations in food history. The Bacon Explosion gets an approval stamp from the BertFlex Board of Approval.

Bacon O'Clock

We haven't had a bacon post in a while, so when I saw this "dish" last week, I thought it was perfect for B'Flex.

RateMyEverything.com needs your help. Someone on that site posted a Cheese Filled Bacon Roll, and they would like you to rate how brilliant it is. I gave it a 10 without trying it, but seriously - bacon and cheese is all you need to make me happy. Here are the results:


A new contest I'd like to announce - if you make this and bring it over to BFHQ, you'll become our friends! You don't want to miss out on that opportunity, so hurry yo' ass up (and don't eat it all on the way over).

Mom Will Be Happy to Make This For Thanksgiving

The Bacon Gods have spoken to us again, this time suggesting that we try the ultimate in yummy bacon goodness: The Turbaconducken.

Bacon Today once again raises the bar on how to include bacon in normal food (damn right a Turducken is normal), and they show you the step-by-step process on how to make the most lethal dead bird on the face of the earth. Check out the finished product:


Feel free to forward that link to mom and tell her to get to work. She's going to have to cook this thing throughout Wednesday night in order to feed our fat stomachs on Thursday.

Or for another Turducken idea, try this:

Sweet Bacon - Literally

If anyone out there is crazy enough to believe that bacon is just an accent meat, the Hog Pit in New York begs to differ.

Candied Bacon with Whipped Cream:



My head is nodding in approval. The "recipe" is in that link, so I expect BFHQ's resident chef (the Mad Librarian) to have this on my desk by noon today.

technically they say it's a dessert, but we now know that a person can order a bowl full of bacon somewhere, so the owners of the Hog Pit are my new heroes

Linx/Stuff/Junk

Here's an anniversary edition of LSJ, mixing some new stuff with some must-see extras (even if you don't laugh, it'll help you understand 1/5 of the dorky things we reference).

-This week's insideSTL article, in which I admit that I actually have faith in the Cardinal front office. I'll probably be looking dumb in about three months. Well, dumber than normal.

-TGF gives his baseball awards predictions. So far, so good. (My prediction: Pain)

-Big Head is in the market for a new car over at Mizzourah.

-OMG is shuttin' er down. Lucky for you, the ML is concentrating on drinking more Crown Royal and Bert Flexin'...hopefully at the same time.

-Lesbian friend of the site Lindsay Lohan calls it like she sees it. Ha ha, Rinsay Ro-han!


And a few classics, 'round these parts-a-town:

-Samuel L. Jackson Beer (Mmm mmm bitch)

-Russell Crowe Fightin' Round the World

-Oops, I hope that wasn't steroids


And breaking news on the bacon front, check out the Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo! Holy shit, this is awesome. I expect Hack to wear this for his next trial.



Link here. Go ahead and click "Add to Cart" if you like disappointments.

A Big Fat Post About Food

I'm sure I could have come up with something witty, but once you see pictures of bacon, meaningless words won't matter.

Since we've become the local experts on bacon, we receive links about bacon from time to time (haymang@yahoo.com). The first one is sent from friend of the site Andy, about the Minnesota State Fair (which has since gone by). Some of the food choices included "Pig Lickers, Pickle Pops and Big Fat Bacon."

Let's get the pickle pop out of the way first - it has nothing to do with meat.

The Pig Lickers (great fantasy team name, or band name) is chocolate-covered bacon, which has been discussed here before. CCB is very good, you should try it sometime.

On to the Big Fat Bacon. With a name like that, it's got to be good, right? It is one-third pound of bacon, fried, and caramelized with maple syrup. And just to get the Bert Flex seal of approval, they serve it on a stick.

That wins.

Link two is from chow.com, listing 10 Ways to Eat More Bacon. It includes the standard bacon vodka, lollipops, and chocolate. A new idea is bacon-wrapped tater tots. That's brilliant.

But the winner from the entire top 10 looks to be a draw between bacon chocolate chip cookies (pictured) and a Fool's Gold Loaf. What the hell is Fool's Gold Loaf? Here is the description:

This specialty from the late Colorado Gold Mine Restaurant features an entire loaf of Italian bread hollowed out and filled with peanut butter, grape jelly, and a full pound of fried bacon. The loaf technically serves 8 to 10 people—but its most famous fan, Elvis, would often chow down on the 42,000-calorie sandwich alone, as a midnight snack.

That is alarming. And I want one.

Last but not least, let's check in with Joey Chestnut's latest eating contest victory at the Famous Famiglia World Pizza Eating Championship (taken from cnn.com)




Joey's the man. Way to represent 'Mericah!

Give It To Me... Bacon?

I suspect Jimmy John's overstates the powers of its new pork-laden sandwich.


Bacon works wonders, but I somehow doubt it's the ultimate porkin' experience. Just sayin'.

The Cinnamon Roll of Meats

You need to make these for us. Now. (Thanks to friend of the site Melissa for introducing us to this "sugary, cinnamony, bacony" wonder... which, yes, includes icing.)

P.S. Bacon Today = best site e-v-a-r. We've already got bacon-flavored rolling papers on order so we can enjoy a bacon smoke while drinking bacon bloody marys.

Can O' Bacon, and Other Ways We Need to Spend our Money

A couple weeks ago we received an email from friend of the site Kelly, sending us a link that was right up our alley: 10 Gadgets For Guys Who Hate To Cook (But Love to Eat).

It's been a busy week here at BFHQ, and by "busy" I mean "I'm trying to catch up with poker shows that I DVR'd, so it's taken a while to tell you all about this list."

I know how little you like to read, so here is a recap of the article: It. Is. Awesome. Well, at least the gadgets are; Bertflex is the best site ever, with the best writers ever, and don't you forget it. Some of my favorites:

Yoder's Canned Bacon - We have covered many uses for bacon here at the B'Flex, but this has got to be one of the best. How beautiful is that? 40-50 strips of bacon per can and they kind of unfold like a fruit roll-up. I'm a little choked up right now, I can't believe how happy I am to be living in times like these. Ignore the fact that everyone's in debt and people are losing jobs, as long as we have bacon in a can, America is still the greatest country in the world.

The 90 Second Dual Pizza Oven - This is a must-have for Bertflex's World Headquarters. I see the $250 price tag, but to own a machine that heats up to 797 degrees F and cooks pizzas in 90 seconds is money well spent. Unfortunately, they are out of stock until December, so hopefully Santa's paying attention.

Microwavable S'Mores Maker - City slickers like myself don't go camping, so I rarely have the chance to eat s'mores by the campfire. This little bastard lets you feel like you're camping, just in the comforts of your own home (where you have showers, bathrooms, and internets). It claims to make two perfect s'mores in 30 seconds and most importantly, is 100% in our price range at $7.


Thanks to Kelly for tipping us off on this article, even though it would be a lot easier if you women came over and cooked for us like you should we'll see what we can do.

We always welcome mail like this: haymang@yahoo.com

Drink Your Pork, Again

Earlier this summer, Big Head posted the recipe for homemade bacon vodka. Now you lazy bastards are in luck, as Don Yovicsin now makes bacon vodka available for purchase.

And he calls your bacon vodka, and raises you all-in with his recipe for The Bacon Bloody Mary:

1 1/2 oz. bacon-flavored vodka
6 oz. Bloody Mary mix
Barbecue rub
1 Slim Jim
1 lime wedge


Yup, that says "1 Slim Jim." Don Yovicsin takes the pot and you may observe from the rail if you'd like.

10 G's

Today we are celebrating our 10,000th official hit on bertflex.com.

We'd like to pretend that it's just another day in BertFlex-land, but we truly are flattered that you take a break from redtube and youporn time out of your day to read our little website. Thank you for that, and we appreciate your support. Well, support via clicks...since you jerks don't give us money.

To celebrate the only way possible, here is a chick in a bacon bra. I think that sums up what we do here pretty well.



I suppose it would be better if she was on fire and hitting Mick Foley in the head with a chair, but this is the best I could do.

Once again, thanks for your support, be sure to tell your friends about us, and have a great weekend.

As an added bonus, while scanning youtube earlier, I remembered this MadTV video that has never been posted here. Check it out:



Be sure to play the 1:30 mark about 300 times in a row. This dude just UN-LOADS on the ball. Beyond awesome.

Introducing the Best Thing Ever!

Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the Bacon Wallet! Available from here, the wallet looks like a slab of fresh, meaty bacon. The site also offers a series of bacon-related products, including bacon adhesive bandages, bacon floss, bacon mints, and "What Would Bacon Do" spinner.

This is so great, I doubt I'll work all day due to the excitment this has caused.

Bacon Night at the Ballpark

I believe we've carved out a nice little niche for ourselves here. It's safe to say that of all the Cardinals/sports/grabass blogs out there, we are the official bacon experts. Of them all. Seriously.

In two different instances last night, bacon was brought to my attention, as if any bacon news or bacon-related activities could get past me...

The first happened at the classy little party over at the Librarian's house. After sipping on some '79 Merlot (I'm used to Dom, but who's asking), discussing stocks, and putting down minorities (Hack was there, what else would we talk about?), we called up the local Papa John's and ordered up some pizza. The fine ladies and gents who did the ordering just assumed that I would like some Bacon Cheesesticks. Good call on their part. You're probably wondering how they taste.

After eating the Bacon Cheesesticks, I really don't think women are necessary in my life any more. This is all I need: Nintendo, a TV, and Bacon Cheesesticks. I win.

Okay, maybe that's going a little too far, but those things are highly highly recommended. Good call by the Librarian's crew.

The second being an email from friend-of-the-site Pink Ass Ben. He sent me a link for baconsalt.com, a company that sells bacon seasoning. Their motto is "Everything Should Taste Like Bacon."

So naturally, I'm going to see if they are hiring.

The best part is the reviews page. You can send in your own testimonial of Bacon Salt and submit it; maybe they'll put you on their website. I figured this was a hell of an idea, even if I've never tried the stuff. If you email these guys, be sure to copy down what you said in the comments section.

We are the bacon experts, so I assume they're listening.

(Oh yeah, Cardinals won; Carp's back. Whatever.)

Ah, My Sweet Bacon

I'd love to have a kick-ass excuse for being absent from BertFlex, LLC* (* pending some legal documents) for the past few days; I wish I could say I was given the first-ever ban from the internet by the FCC. Or I had to spend quality sexy time with Jessica Biel and Megan Fox (who is not shitty, Sir).

Instead my internet decided to melt down. But hey, we're back up and running now, and over the past four days, I've built up a lot of aggression and it's about to come out. The first thing seems fitting for my big "comeback": Bacon Lollipops.

One of the things I was able to do over the weekend was read. You might be shocked that I read once in a while, especially things that aren't on a monitor. But I do read from time to time...okay, I'll quit lying. I was reading a Maxim from last month. And in it was a little blurb about how Bacon Lollipops DO exist and you can buy them from lollyphile.com.

I know you know how awesome this is, but just for good measure, here is the description from Lollyphile:

We feel pretty safe in saying that we're the first people to ever make a bacon-based lollipop. And not just any bacon, either- we use sustainable, organic, cured bacon- we kinda felt that it went well with the pure Vermont maple syrup we were using as a base, you know?

While we admit that it's pretty far from the norm (it's definitely not kosher!), once you make that initial leap of faith and try it out, we're positive that you'll love it. The salty chunks of bacon make a delicious and unique counterpoint to the subtle sweetness of the maple, and oh, yeah- you'll be eating an oh-my-god bacon lollipop!

A perfect gift for the sweet-toothed pork aficionado in your life.

Hey, that's me!

Championship!

For more of our love for all things bacon, click the new Bacon tag below.

Drink Your Pork

It's a scientific fact (and by 'scientific', I mean Sir has said it) that bacon is better with anything...including booze. Not with booze, but now AS BOOZE! Getcha Bacon Vodka right here.

1 large sterile mason jar
5 - 6 strips of cooked bacon
1 bottle premium Vodka

Add bacon to the mason jar and fill with Vodka. Let the bacon steep in the vodka for a few days in a very cool place or the fridge. After the Vodka is infused with bacony goodness, remove the bacon, cover the jar with cheese cloth, secure it and strain the Vodka into another clean container.

Enjoy what I like to call "Tuesday" and get crunk on bacon.

Our Best Food Events

Last Friday, we brought to everyone's attention the 20 Worst Foods in America. Most of the "foods" on the list were well over 1,000 calories, the worst topping out at 2,900. While most people were probably disgusted by half the list, we tried to figure out how many of the 20 things we've devoured (9 or 10, depends on some technicalities...either way, we're fat).

I decided to come up with a top 10 list of our best food events; hopefully our doctors, personal trainers, financial advisors, or healthcare providers don't see this list. Unfortunately I wussed out and refuse to put these in any particular order. It's like picking your favorite child - all parents have one, but they don't want to hurt the other kids' feelings by saying it out loud.

I'd like to point out that these are consistent events only, not one time things like eating cookie burgers, a tube of cookie dough, or finding out how much destruction a bag of baby carrots can cause.

Honorable mention: The Jack in the Box Heart Attack Meal.
I put this as an "honorable mention" because none of us have actually gone through and ordered this meal from JITB: Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger (1090), Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges (720), Oreo Shake (1290). Those are the calories in parenthesis per the JITB website...yeah. Order this and be prepared to turn out the lights. You're done, kid. *update: I didn't realize that this was a common meal in Sir's heyday at Alton High. I met him when he was past his eating prime.

-Any trip to Buffalo Wild Wings. If I'm on my game, I'll throw down 20 boneless wings easy. I believe I hit 30 the last time we had a big event there. But the wings aren't the main reason why BWW is on this list. It's the fact that we've gone through more than one waitress, numerous times. Yup, we're so fat and addicted to sports that we've outlasted waitresses through their shifts. I'd like to see Buzz Bissinger do that.

-Chicken Wing Platter at Hooters. I'll stick to the chicken wing theme; we've dusted off a 50 wing platter at Hooters a few times (me, Sir, and Maltliquorman). The Hooters Girls were mightily impressed...that we didn't have to leave in a wheelchair.

-The All You Can Eat Shrimp at Red Lobster. All things considered, I'm not really a shrimp guy. I'll eat it, but it's one of the many things that I don't like unless it's fried. That's when Red Lobster hates me; I can down a ton of fried shrimp. Every fall (though I don't remember if they did it last year), RL runs their AYCE special for $25. I've been there with Sir and cleaned house like I was the 30th man in the Royal Rumble. Best memory was going there for game three of the '06 NLCS, watching Suppan throw a gem vs. the Mets. Good thing we were around back then in case you forgot how the game went.

-GBC. My mom makes some awesome Gooey Butter Cake. If you've never tried it, then you just don't know...

-"Hey, Let's go to Tuckers." Whenever Sir says that to me, it's an insta-call. Next time he's in town, we need to do that. Tuckers has one of the best 'big ass steak + potato (optional) + salad (very optional) + bread' deals around town. It's a shame that I never went during Freshman year at UMSL. I don't remember why, I never used "studying" as an excuse for anything. I know this is bad business and bad negotiating, but if Tucker's ever wanted to put banner ads at the top of this website, I'd let them do it for free.

-The 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, est. 2006. Past champions are: me in the inaugural, and Pink Ass Ben last year. I'm sure the '08 version will be highly competitive again. The time to beat is just a little under 4 minutes for 5 hot dogs (something like 3:50-3:55).

-Me on Super Bowl Sunday. The highlight of my Super Bowl eating career was back during the Rams meltdown in SB36. I had a hot dog wrapped in bacon. With Cheese. With Mustard. With Chili on top. Then I had another . Championship! (for me, not the Rams) Seriously, I murder some food on Super Bowl Sunday, it's not even funny.

-The All You Can Eat Tickets at Busch. This is another tradition started in 2006. Whenever you have AYCE seats for Cardinal games (or any sporting event), the game is pretty much secondary. Maybe even thirdary, if that's a word. Drinking booze and wolfing down the most hot dogs, burgers, cookies, nachos, and beef brisket (including many combinations of all the above) is the goal. You've got to make sure you get your $90 worth in the span of about 2.5 hours. The best part is that you don't have to eat for about three days since you're just buried in a reclining chair until your heart says it's okay to proceed with your life. This year's AYCE game is in jeopardy, we need to find a game and get some tickets.

-OCB/Homestyle Buffet Trips. I'd like to say that other tables watch in awe as we destroy the buffet, stack plates, stuff our face with piles of fried food, stand on a chair, and self-proclaim that we're the Fatass Champions of the Universe. But truth is, we're usually on the lighter side when it comes to the clientele of OCB/Homestyle, and that's saying something. As Mike Shannon would say, "Come and get it big boyyy." And they do.

-The Donut Burger. This was originally brought to our attention by Big Sandwich here, and carried out over at his place later that summer. I thought our homemade version was pretty good, but I'll eat anything that involves meat (hey what are you laughing at?). We also had one out in Sauget at a Grizzlies game last year, too bad they aren't hardcore enough to make it with full donuts as buns - they just cut one in half. A smaller shout-out goes to the deep fried White Castle at the Grizzlies games, but it's not as good as it sounds. After eating that at a game last year, I had to write a letter of apology to my heart. This time, he forgave me. I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky next time.


There you have it, hopefully I didn't forget anything too obvious. Moral of the story is that we're fat, but we like having a good time. And I'm out of breath from typing all that.

Ted Drewes Ain't Got Shit On This!

Bacon has a special place in our hearts here at Bertflex, and by that I mean our poor arteries are working a lot harder than they should because of the "candy bar" of meats. It made it all the way to the Final Four of our Super Xtreme Asskickin' Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death or SXAMTFToD, as we lovingly call it. The weather is warming up and bacon has invaded one of summertime's favorite indulgences, ladies and gentlemen:

There is now a viable reason to visit the state of Delaware. Udder Delight Ice Cream House also includes the following flavors in their arsenal: Memphis BBQ, Viagra, Cappuccino Stout Beer and Peanut Butter and Jelly which apparently won the World Series of Ice Cream in '04. There's a WSOIC! No wonder other countries hate us!

The Final 4 Is Set

It's been a rough road for all of the 64 entrants into the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death but only four have made it to this point. We knew going into this thing that there would be no cakewalks, and nothing should be taken for granted until the buzzer sounds. Now here we are, four are left - who will walk out as champion?

If you were able to handle all of the hard hitting analysis that the regional previews dished out, then handled the second and third round analysis and predictions, you should be rewarded. Note that you should be...instead you will be bombarded with the hardcoreiest, in your faceiest analysis and breakdowns you've ever seen. Put a helmet on and grab some nunchucks, you're entering the danger zone!

#1 Wiffleball (Hazelwood Regional) - When the warm weather rolls around it is always time to break out the wiffleball and bat. You don't need much else besides that, usually just a lawn chair for the strike zone, make up a few rules, and you're ready to play. Games can vary from "non-competitive" to "Texas Death Match." I'm still here, so you know I've fared pretty well in the latter.

Strengths: Fun to play for males and females, goes hand in hand with barbeque's and drinking beer, you can plunk someone and send a message while no one gets seriously hurt (unless they charge the mound on you), bat flips and showing up your opponent is encouraged.

Weaknesses: Works best while playing outdoors, so weather and playing surface play a key role, sore arm after throwing for an hour or two, can be humiliating if you suck.

Why it will win: Classic game designed for kids, but still enjoyable in your mid-20's. It's hard to not have a good time playing wiffleball, as it goes with so many great things: nice weather, BBQ, beer, girls, funny batting stances, and taunting.

Why it will lose: I don't think enough people take the time out to play wiffleball as often as they should (myself included). There can be a big gap from the time you play as a kid to when/if you play with your own children, and sometimes the love for the game can get lost in between.

#2 College Life (Alton Regional) - There you are hotshot, you're finally on your own. Ready to take over the world? No, not yet. First meet my lady friend, she wants to get to know you a little better. Wait, untuck that shirt, math boy. Also meet my other friend, beer bong. You and him are going to spend a lot of time together. Last but not least...meet Ricky Williams. I know he can't open his eyes right now, but you guys will have some funny fucking conversations later, it will be awesome.

Strengths: Girls (or dudes for the handful of ladies reading), booze, skipping class to play video games, skipping class for ____(insert any noun or verb here), degenerate behavior, girls "experimenting" with each other in your presence.

Weaknesses: Believe it or not there are a few, like when you actually have to go to class, study, and do papers; using any of those things as an excuse for not hanging out is always depressing, the drama that you either have to put up with or witness, paying $125 for books that half the time you don't use or can't sell back, paying expensive tuition and/or "fees" to the school.

Why it will win: Too many people go to college nowadays and have the greatest experience of their life. Assuming you graduate, it typically lasts from four years for some...to seven (via five schools) for others.

Why it will lose: Some people go and don't have fun, or have to work their way through school and miss out on the cool stuff. Also some may just have bad memories from their college days. Like people who lost a 10-7 lead in the final inning of a softball championship by giving up 13 runs and losing 20-10.

#1 Bacon (Woodson Terrace Regional) - A recent Jack in the Box commercial had Jack saying "Bacon is the candy bar of meats." I don't know where that quote is from, but I'm pretty sure it was in the Bible (where? somewhere in the back). He is absolutely correct (I'm talking about Jesus and Jack). Bacon is hands down the best form of meat out there, despite a lot of great competition. Any time bacon is invited over to your house, a party breaks out.

Strengths: Goes with everything - sandwiches, other meats, chocolate; one of the most delicious things you can put in your mouth (hopefully that sounded as sexual as possible), never disappoints, and it's Atkins Diet friendly! Eat all the bacon you want!

Weaknesses: Can't be consumed in large amounts like steak or hamburgers, not for the lazy - it takes some prep time to cook, some say it's bad for your heart.

Why it will win: Bacon has that swagger that a lot of championship teams have. The '85 Bears, '00 Ravens, and '08 Bacons all have it. There are a lot of common elements when you look at each team on paper. Of course, looking at Bacon on paper is not recommended, use a plate.

Why it will lose: It is just a matter of choice here - do you go with the best meat in bacon, or a bunch of them in BBQ? This should be the toughest vote for our panel of judges, and should make most of them cry.

#2 BBQ (Natural Bridge Regional) - If there were ever a rulebook for guys, one of the first rules would be that you have to know how to barbeque. If you don't know anything about cars, fine. Don't know anything about crescent wrenches, whatever. But you better damn well know how to cook meat on the grill. Women (though not their first choice) can live with going to a mechanic or plumber, but if you don't know how to cook simple hot dogs or pork steaks (for St. Louis folk only), then they might think twice about you as a man. They'll still marry you, but know that they wear the pants in the household, while you hold the purse.

Strengths: Contrary to popular belief BBQ can be grilled and eaten 365 days a year, delicious and not too difficult, many good options of what can be barbequed, Atkins friendly, not exclusive to warm weather, great for male bonding.

Weaknesses: Also not for the lazy - unless you have Bandana's do it, you have to be careful with fire and not under- or overcooking your meat. Burnt hamburgers are the worst thing ever.

Why it will win: BBQ is kind of like Eli Manning, trying to step out of Peyton's shadow. Bacon has had a stranglehold on all foods for a long time now, but this could be BBQ's year to prove it is worthy of holding the crown as well. Either way, BBQ and Bacon's father - Bologna Manning will be proud.

Why it will lose: Same reasoning as why Bacon would lose. I anticipate fights and arguments aplenty. Households will be divided in half, carnage will ensue. Ben Affleck will have to save the world. Now there's a guy who likes meat. He's probably got his eye on some wieners right now...


That is the breakdown of our Final Four. We'll keep you posted on results later this week.

PS. The stats say this is post #300. Hooray for us!