Let It Sink In One More Time: We Have Brett Wallace

A lot of baseball prospect talk has hit the internet recently, and here at BFHQ, we're still getting over reading scouting reports on Low-A 19 year old pitchers who may or may not make an impact on our 2014 fantasy baseball teams. Before you ask, why yes - that is important stuff. How useful would it be if we knew a lot about literature or how to fix cars?

A few weeks ago Baseball 'Mericah's Cardinal top 10 list was released.

It goes a little something like this:

1. Colby Rasmus, of
2. Brett Wallace, 3b
3. Chris Perez, rhp
4. Jess Todd, rhp
5. Bryan Anderson, c
6. Clayton Mortensen, rhp
7. Daryl Jones, of
8. Jason Motte, rhp
9. David Freese, 3b
10. Pete Kozma, ss

No big surprises on the players listed. I think 4 through 8 can be shifted around a bit, but nothing to get upset about. Oh and congrats to Pistol Pete Kozma for cracking the list! I wonder where Rick Porcello would have ranked...

I believe BA's Top 100 will be out within a couple weeks, so be on the lookout. Unless you don't spend half your life infatuated with 18-22 year old boys who play baseball. It's a choice I made a long time ago, and my parents are fine with that.

Moving on, ESPN's Keith Law came out with his own top 100 last week. An excellent recap of how Rasmus, Wallace, Jones, and Perez ranked was written by Gabe Kiley on insideSTL last Friday. I probably would have done the same, but the rankings weren't out yet. Really guys, I would have worked hard too!

As a preview, the last line of Wallace's report: Brett Wallace will hit.

But one thing I feel like sharing is a little more analysis from K-Law, mostly because he introduced me to the word NASTYGRAM in his description of A's prospect Trevor Cahill. From here on out, I consult my Nastygram before making any life decision.

Here is what Law had to say about the Cardinals in his post-list chat on espn.com last Thursday:

Tim (STL, MO): Klaw, I like to see where you ranked the Cardinals org in your rankings. Because the Cards seem to be short on high upside, but have a lot of fill-in types, do you think they should alter their strategy to go after more toolsy guys, or stick with whats working now?

Keith Law: (1:06 PM ET ) Given the depth in their system, it's a good time for them to take some more risks in the draft, but I don't blame them for taking Wallace when he slipped to them.

Corey (Missouri): There was a story just posted at Stl Today saying that Troy Glaus just had shoulder surgery and may not be ready for opening day. Who would you put in at third in his place if you were the Cardinals? Craig, Freese, Wallace, Mather?

Keith Law: (1:59 PM ET ) Probably Freese. That's pretty aggressive for Wallace; I don't doubt he could handle it at the plate, but he hasn't had much chance to work with their coaches on his D.

Rick (Chars, MO): If you were only judging based on offensive potential approximately where would Brett Wallace place among prospects (thinking from a fantasy baseball standpoint)? Thank you

Keith Law: (2:01 PM ET ) Top ten.

Kevin (St. Louis): Gotta agree about Joyce. Trying to wade through "Portrait" right now and it is brutal. Anyway, what do you think the chances of Jess Todd becoming a middle of the rotation starter?

Keith Law: (2:23 PM ET ) He's a reliever for me. It's all sliders.

Sweet. Jess Todd, apparently the fourth best player in the system, is destined to be a relief pitcher. Good job Cardinals. Besides that, the lesson in today's story is to always check the Nastygram...and Brett Wallace rakes the universe.

The End.

A Wonderful, Magical Animal

Hey it's Friday. We're pretty much giving you our two weeks notice with this post. You'll have to go elsewhere to hear about new and innovative ways to eat bacon, soooo good luck with that.

I'll try to squeeze in as much bacon news as I can up until Valentine's Day, so let's start with something called The Bacon Explosion.

As always, the description will get you all tingly:

The Bacon Explosion is a massive torpedo-shaped amalgamation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage.

Unfortunately we don't get a look at the inside of the finished product, but here is how the whole concoction appears on a grill after being cooked to a tasty perfection of X-Plosion!

One might suggest it would probably be easier to just eat a full pig, without having to bother figuring out what's the bacon part and what's the sausage part (no 'that's what she said' jokes). But what's the fun in that? Look how awesome that amalgamation is! Excuse me while I look up the definition of amalgamation.

As I told reporters earlier, one of my favorite things that I've never tried is woven bacon. How awesome of an idea is that? Truly one of the best innovations in food history. The Bacon Explosion gets an approval stamp from the BertFlex Board of Approval.


Megan Fox Tries To Win Someone Over

In the April installment of Who's Shitty, our own Sir wrote an infamous answer to my question about the lovely Megan Fox.


Bonus Question:
HMW (mowing T. McKernan's lawn) - Tony, I read last week that Megan Fox was named the "World's Sexiest Woman" by FHM. I don't know much about this young lass, but her pictures are top notch. Give me a scouting report on Miss Fox and some projections. Is she more Ben Grieve #1 (1998) or A-Rod #1 (1995)?

I don't know if I can really get behind this pick. She doesn't have that projectability I'm really looking for with a #1 overall pick. She lacks a true "plus" tool that would allow me to get really excited about her. Due to that, she has kind of an "ordinary" look about her, and not the hot kind of ordinary you get from someone like an Alyson Hannigan, who I list as one of her comparables. I think this was a need-based pick, to try and generate a spark on offense for FHM, rather than taking the best player available. In my mock draft, I had Alba, Hazell, and Johansson as my top 3, so I was shocked when they went with Fox. She's definitely in Grieve territory. Megan Fox... Shitty.


So here we are nine month later, Meggy tries to win him over by shredding some Guitar Hero at some douche's house:

A very valiant attempt, but I'm not sure if that's enough. None of the other pics have her wearing less clothes.

If you're into that kind of thing, you could try these pics of her instead (highly recommended by me/probably not by your boss).

Where Can I Get My Haircut Now?

Well, fuck.

Kevin Slaten is drooling now.

(editor's note: the opinions expressed by Big Head don't reflect the official stance of HMW, which was stolen from the official stance of Sir. Manny in LF for the Cardinals needs to happen)


Snow'd Up

You're probably doing two things now. You're either sitting at home in the warmth of your house, nuzzled up in your blanket, next to crates of bread and milk you bought from the store because Channel 2 said to stock up. Or you're at the office, miserable. Probably late. Probably sleepy, grumpy and still cold.

But what better way to celebrate a lovely snowstorm than by reading some stuff that I wrote for another site? Check out this week's InsideSTL article, discussing a few things I'd ask Cardinals GM John Mozeliak if given the chance. And no, "do you wanna play MLB Front Office Manager with me?" wasn't on the list. But yes, I would do the Hadley impression if interviewing him in-person (lemme tell you dis rye now Ron Mozzeljack...)


Coming Soon: Another John Cena Blockbuster

During an impromptu wrasslin-watchin' session last night, we caught the brand new trailer for John Cena's new movie 12 Blocks. I asked Sir to give me the over/under on number of explosions that would be in the trailer. We didn't really know what type of movie this was, but it's a WWE Films/John Cena movie. Drama: 0% chance. Comedy: 7% chance. Action: 10000% chance!!!

Sir's over/under was six, so I insta-called the over. Big mistake on his part, though the line was made under pressure. At least I ran up the score on him towards the end to make it worth his while.

Skip past the Santino portion of this clip and see for yourself:

I especially liked when the ocean exploded. I believe that's the moment Sir realized defeat. BOOM fishes!!

March 27th - be there!


Today's The Day

Are you looking for a video game that has all the nail-biting excitement of NFL Head Coach? You'd figure a game that lets you schedule meetings with your tight ends coach and review game film (of a game you didn't get to play) would be hard to top. But today you ought to go out and let MLB Front Office Manager ruin your life.

Unfortunately you can't actually hit the X button to swing the bat or throw a ball. It's all you sitting on your couch (well, you'd do that anyway), evaluating stats, developing your franchise - majors and minors, and partaking in the lavish lifestyle that John Mozeliak leads...minus the rage-filled online chats with your fans.

At BFHQ we own a bunch of gaming systems, but not an XPAC 360 or PS3, so we won't be joining in the fun just yet. I think MLBFOM would be fun, but like most games, is the staying power really there?

A couple years ago I bought a poker video game. Within two or three hours of playing (not even all in one sitting), I beat the "toughest" tournament in the game. Thanks for that one level difficulty meter guys.

So I ask: what's the point? I suppose some people would want to see how awesome it is to participate in our Hardcore Fantasy League. The difference is that the HCL takes blood, sweat, tears, and violence to win first place. MLBFOM takes a Saturday afternoon away from your girlfriend*.

Though, if you want, I can write down "Yes, you're a fuckin' genius" on a piece of paper and that could save you a ton of time.

*explanation of this asterisk not necessary


Boring Stuff: A Big List of Hot Chicks

This is one of those days where all the internet research I do for you all feels like a hard-working, grueling job.

Have fun checking out Ask Men's list of their Top 99 Women. Like me, you should do this for research purposes. I mean, if someone in your church choir or a fellow soup kitchen volunteer asks you about Denise Milani, how silly are you going to feel if you have no idea who she is (#33)? Think about it.

Lists like this will always spark debates among dudes, and this one is no exception. Eva Mendes is their #1 woman. While "some people" may have enjoyed Ms. Mendes in movies such as We Own the Night in which she was shown pleasuring herself in the opening minutes, "some people" don't believe she's #1. Give me, er them, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, or Megan Fox over Eva Mendes.

To each his own though, and since this is my post, here are pics of Jessica Biel's ass. Happy Friday:


...And Rick's New Look

A couple days ago we showed you a pic of Chris Carpenter's new look that he revealed at the Winter Warm-Up. In "better late than never" fashion, I missed the new skeezy look that Rick Ankiel debuted as well:

This photo was taken between 11am and 1pm Sunday, so we're assuming the Winter Warm-Up's downtown location was a convenient little walk for Slick Rick after church a long night of Jagerbombs and skank hunting. Fuckin' gametime.


Why I Love MLB Network

Saddam Hussein and former Cubs 1bagger, Luis Salazar. Who's seen them in the same place? Just sayin'.

Our Keys to Victory: Work Edition

On every pregame show, the announcers like to talk about their "Keys to Victory" for each team. It pretty much lays out obvious things that each team needs to do in order to win that particular game (example: before the Cardinals/Eagles game Sunday, Troy Aikman said Philly's keys are 1) the defense must step up and 2) Westbrook and McNabb must have big games. Really Troy? The D, RB and QB need to play well? That's unheard of, but since you're on TV, I have no other option but to trust you).

Anyway, whenever you have a shitty day at work, here are my keys to turning your day around and coming out with a victory:

1) Leave work
2) Go to Wendy's
3) Eat Wendy's
4) Pass the fuck out for three hours

Do that. You win.

But be sure to wake up in time to write your InsideSTL columns before deadline. Speaking of, here is this week's article, poking more fun at Crush Drunkan's expense.

Another side note: I'm rapidly becoming a big fan of Wendy's Double Stacks. Like all fast food pics, the photo above is a little generous, but they are damn tasty. It makes up for the price hike on the chicken nuggets (now $1.19).


Carp's New Look

Had I known Scott Ian of Anthrax was going to be at the Winter Warm-Up this weekend, I might have gone...


Fantasy Baseball Shit-Talk Season is Coming

It's never too early to start shit-talking to your friends about the upcoming fantasy baseball season. I came up with one idea over the weekend.

After seeing a commercial for ITT Tech's School of Drafting and Design, I realized it would be awesome to suggest to your opponent(s) that they should sign up and try to learn something from their School of Drafting. But words are words, and people may forget things like that. I felt a little more knife-twisting was possible, so I did my research.

If you go to ITT Tech's website, you can request a brochure in the mail. My suggestion is to request one for each person in your league, and hand-deliver them all. That way you can see their face after you bust on them for needing to go to a School of Drafting. Throw in a line like "I would be happy to teach you how to draft, but you've been watching me for years and never picked up anything. I wouldn't want a difficult student like yourself."

It's all about the effort. Watch and learn.


Rickey Be Rickey Hasn't Lost a Step

When it comes to Rickey Henderson, I'm really torn on my feelings towards him. The big case against him is the I'm the greatest of all time speech in front of Lou Brock. That was the king of all dick moves, and coming from the dick move experts, that's saying something.

Unfortunately I have a soft spot in my heart for Rickey, since he was the driving force behind many a wins at RBI Baseball II in the early 90's. Not to mention all the great Rickey quotes and stories over the years.

So when Henderson was elected to the Hall of Fame last week, I skimmed a couple articles about him, one of which said he's still willing to play - every day - for a Major League team in 2009. But buried within the article was, in my mind, one of Rickey's best quotes to date. It's short and sweet, and here's how the conversation went:

Reporter: Rickey, would you like to play in the WBC?

Rickey: What's that? Wrestling?

Good job Rickey, you've redeemed yourself.


The Worst Foods of 2009 - According to Not Us

Back in the summer we had a big discussion about a list of the Worst Foods in America, and it pretty much confirmed we are a bunch of disgusting bastards.

Today I caught word that the updated list for 2009 is out. Head over to Men's Health to learn about the foods that normal people should avoid. We, on the other hand, fully endorse all 20 foods.

With all the greasy options out there, you might be surprised that #1 isn't something deep fried. It's the Baskin Robbins Large Heath Bar Shake, filled with 2,310 calories of yummy goodness.

Even though it's fucking cold outside, my suggestion is to go out and try this immediately. At the beginning of the article, it says that eight out of last year's list of twenty have been removed from their respective menus. So it's possible that a year from now (if not sooner), we could be celebrating the memory of the Heath Bar Shake.

In disappointing news, I haven't had anything on this year's list. I blame it on them using too many places I don't go to (Chili's, Outback Steakhouse, Romano's Macaroni Grill, Uno Chicago Grill), not to mention using those places more than once. If I really put my mind to it, I think I could knock out three or four of these (looking at the Hardee's and DQ entries especially) by the end of the weekend. We'll see.

I enjoy reading articles like this, as it usually provides me some entertainment and is something I can have fun discussing with other people. But one thing kind of got me riled up, provoking a smidgen of anger within my system.

The one bone I have to pick (literally...you'll get the joke in two seconds) is the category of "Worst Ribs of 2009." Uh, Men's Health: there is no such thing as Worst Ribs, so you need to shut your whore mouth. I believe Ponderosa was selling a rib platter with rat poison seasoning in the fall of '07, and they weren't that bad. Only the close-minded people had a problem with them...

For reference, MH's "Worst Ribs" are the full rack of Outback Steakhouse Baby Back Ribs, which means I need to be there with my Krusty Brand Heart Defibrillator ASAP.

Happy Bert-Day

It was a real raucous night at BFHQ last night, as I was watching a little of the '07 Home Run Derby on MLB Network. I caught the big second round from Mr. Pujols, only to be disappointed once again (a la 2003) when his run at the finals was trounced by Vlad Guerrero and Alex Rios (yuck).

But one thing I did realize is that today is Bert's 29th birthday (feel free to add your own asterisk on that one). We'd like to wish him a happy birthday, as we sit patiently waiting for another ridiculous season of mashing from Bert Flex.

Unfortunately, while watching that Derby, I checked out Pujols' Baseball Reference page and noticed the long list of nicknames that he possesses:

Prince Albert
Phat Albert
The Machine
El Hombre

Prince Albert? Really? And Phat Albert - has anyone other than Rob Desir used that one? With the omission of "Bert Flex" from that list, it just confirms that we're complete and utter failures.

Although the question could be asked: were we before our time? Will history look back at us as pioneers of things...and stuff?

Well, at least we had fun being failures. See you soon Bert.


Wrasslin' Talk

Friend of the site and our personal video guru, Hollywood, launched a new blog recently. It's called The Indy Corner, and it will cover many Independent Wrestling promotions throughout the country.

I'm really digging it, as Hollywood's put a lot of effort into getting a few interviews and posting videos so far. Even if you're not down on WWE and TNA's continuous quest for maximum suckage, check out The Indy Corner when you've got a chance.


I would imagine if The Indy Corner ever hit a slow news week, Hollywood and I could reminisce about the time we listened to The Ultimate Warrior speak for over an hour at the Pilot House at UMSL, in which he instructed us to "fucking breed like rabbits" towards the end a confusing lecture. Quite a meaningful experience for both of us, though I think we vowed to never talk about that again.


Yeh Mang, Dis Collar's Popped

Maybe Bert will wear a striped shirt to this Weekend's Winter Warm-Up. Maybe not. Either way, here's a nifty little preview of what to expect, from me - a guy who hasn't gone to one in seven years. Feel free to gawk at all the pictures of vote for the InsideSTL GND of the Year while you're there.

Reason #1 Why My Office isn't "The Office"

It's been a week and a half of little to no eating (quick PSA: if your work offers a free flu voucher every year, it's usually best to go ahead and take advantage of that shit, unless you want to lose over 15 pounds in nine days), so yesterday when I told my boss that I needed to head home early due to fatigue and a little hunger, the perfect Michael Scott moment stared her right in the face:

Me: Hey (boss lady), I've got to head out of here. I'm still not feeling up to par, plus I didn't really eat much, so I need something inside me.

Her: (words that didn't include "that's what she said," so I don't remember)


The Sweet Sounds of Doogie

Hosting SNL over the weekend obviously wasn't as big as the World Magic Awards recently, but this Neil Patrick Harris clip stood out in an overall weak show:


Times Are Tough: McGraw Millhaven Edition

I truly enjoy the benefits of DirecTV and all, but after seeing this over the weekend...

damn I miss Chalk Talk (shed tear).

And come on McGraw, they have plain shirts on the clearance rack too.



One way to lighten the mood around here: the top 20 Will Ferrell moments, from manofest.com. It's complete with videos too. The list is debatable, but top notch stuff.

It's Not You, It's Me

One of the things you learn in life is that anything can change in an instant. A year ago today was our first "real" post of B-Flex version 2. Lots of hope, lots of dreams, lots of bacon.

Today we're crying for attention one last time, and announcing that we're shutting down the shop.

I'd like to think that a whole year is all we needed to make our point. To get everything off our chest.

Not quite, but it's time to wrap up this lil' party.

Lucky for you, this isn't the last post. I don't want to throw too much at you at one time, so let's drag this out another month or so.

In the past year, I've learned I'm bad at handling relationships (Or am I good at mis-handling relationships?? Hmm...), so in a fitting tribute we're going to wait and dump you all on Valentine's day, February 14th.

Until then, it's business as usual. Any last requests can be sent over the next 36 days to haymang@yahoo.com.


Panda Watch

I saw a commercial last night where Noah Wyle was pouring his heart out for you selfish bastards to donate some dollaz to the WWF. No, not the WWF that made Doink the Clown and the Brooklyn Brawler famous (using that term loooosely), he's talking about the World Wildlife Fund.

So it got me to thinking about the new WWF logo that the Wildlife Fund should have used when they "settled their differences" with Vince McMahon & Co. back in 2002:

Good God Almighty!

Always gets a chuckle out of me.

Brian Barber: Imagine You Are Weightless...

I don't post Brian Barber's rookie card enough, but I found a way to work it into today's InsideSTL column. I think a couple of you still care, so check it out when you have a chance.

And while we're at it, here is last week's article about the MLB Network, and two weeks ago about message board meltdowns. Thanks for reading.


How Bored Are You? Take a Test!

Trey Wingo hosts a video on ESPN.com about their new site redesign. The video is 1 minute 56 seconds. How long can you make it?

Click here to find out.

8 seconds for me. Good in rodeo at least.


Movin' 101, Sir Mix-a-Lot: Thanks for the Memories

As the computer flipped your calendar to 2009, you may have noticed one thing change around the STL airwaves - the dawn of the new 101 ESPN. It's the first all-sports FM station here, which was way overdue.

It seems like a long time ago that this station was The River. Back in those days, you could hear Big Sandwich spinnin' the new Kelly Clarkson tunes until bedtime. Then all of a sudden, they gayed the station up even more by switching to Movin' 101.1 - get your move on now! (off button). I thought there was a reason every other station left the Madonna songs back in the 80s.

It was around spring/summertime when the Post-Dispatch's Dan Caesar wrote about rumblings of an all-sports station on 101.1, and I'll have to admit, my body got a little tingly. But once 101 started making some roster signings, those feelings went from "hey, that's awesome" to (insert Price is Right noise here).

Caesar wrote about the new station in his column last week (that's always a must-read for me, despite his creepy photo). I've checked out 101.1 a couple times on the way home from work, and uh, it sounds good. The guys talking, however...meh.

Here is the lineup:

5-10 a.m.: Mike Greenberg, Mike Golic. Wow, you guys should have just kicked me in the balls for five hours instead.

10 a.m.-2 p.m.: Bryan Burwell, Pat Parris. I don't get asked "Hey did you read that Bryan Burwell column?" or "Do you remember that Bryan Burwell column?" too often. There is a reason (no, not my intense racism). As for Mr. Parris, I don't think I can respect the guy who reads texts from John in DeSoto on the post-game show, let alone the guy who frequents the Tan Co. when he's not at the ballpark.

2 p.m-6 p.m.: Bob Ramsey, Randy Karraker, D'Marco Farr. When Bob Ramsey was let go from 590, no one was saying "Bob Ramsey! Fired?! He has to come back to radio! He must!" (okay, I'm all for people finding new jobs somewhere, but seeing how it's 2009, the Crammer really brings nothing to the table). Randy Karraker will always have a soft spot in my heart for hosting Chalk Talk, but his presence on this show really doesn't do anything for me. Besides Parris, D'Marco Farr is the other new face for St. Louis radio and he's the only part of the lineup that I actually like. I think he had a pretty good personality talking sports when I caught him on the Worst Damn Sports Show years ago. I'm afraid his baseball talk will be lacking come March thru October, so that means more Crammer and RandyK talk.

And that means more of me not listening.

It's pretty likely that 101 will eventually sign some bigger names in the local sports-talk biz, so I'm not ready to give up hope just yet.

But one tiny request to the station: play a little "Baby Got Back" or "This Is How We Do It" in the background once in a while to hold me over.