Show Us Your Tats

In the last 10 years or so, athletes have decided to show us a piece of them that we really don't want to see; their tattoos. Started with Dennis Rodman and it seems like nearly every athlete has tattoos and I am here to honor the sickest.

Michigan quarterback Chad Henne may own the worst on the back of his right arm. I have never been able to make out exactly what it is, but it looks like some sort of panther or tiger. I do know it's TERRIBLE.

Jeremy Shockey may rip Tom Coughlin after losses, but he has no one else to blame for his awful tat of the US flag and bald eagle. Nothing like seeing a guy bitch and cry with our flag on his arm. No wonder the world hates us.

Any man that gets a tat above the shoulders deserves to be on this list. Iron Mike is hardcore, but my question is who is the shadowy figure on his left side?

Not only does Kevin Mench have a head that makes mine look like Beetlejuice, but he has some gross tats, including the Pam Anderson barbwire with a prisonish eagle head coming out.

When you can fit your baby momma's name on the inside of you bicep, I'll give you some dap like TJ Duckett.

Honorable Mention- Miami Dolphin's Matt Roth (flaming elbows), Randy Moss (Olde English R), Rasheed Wallace (Egyptian family portrait), any elbow spiderweb tats, Allen Iverson (any), any NBA player.

Top 20 'Whitest' and 'Blackest' Names

From our friends at ABC News, we get the 20 first names that are the "whitest" or "blackest." Since it comes from The Liberal Media (tm), they try to spin it with a story about how companies don't hire people with "black" names, blah blah blah, whatever. I just like instances of overt racism so I wanted to post this here. Why yes, I AM trying to set a record for most insensitive posts in one week, thank you very much. Good thing Kanye West doesn't read this blog or he might say that I don't care about black people.

20 "Whitest" Girl Names

Molly, Amy, Claire, Emily, Katie, Madeline, Katelyn, Emma, Abigail, Carly, Jenna, Heather, Katherine, Caitlin, Kaitlin, Holly, Allison, Kaitlyn, Hannah, Kathryn

20 "Blackest" Girl Names

Imani, Ebony, Shanice, Aaliyah, Precious, Nia, Deja, Diamond, Asia, Aliyah, Jada, Tierra, Tiara, Kiara, Jazmine, Jasmin, Jazmin, Jasmine, Alexus, Raven

20 "Whitest" Boy Names

Jake, Connor, Tanner, Wyatt, Cody, Dustin, Luke, Jack, Scott, Logan, Cole, Lucas, Bradley, Jacob, Garrett, Dylan, Maxwell, Hunter, Brett, Colin

20 "Blackest" Boy Names

DeShawn, DeAndre, Marquis, Darnell, Terrell, Malik, Trevon, Tyrone, Willie, Dominique, Demetrius, Reginald, Jamal, Maurice, Jalen, Darius, Xavier, Terrance, Andre, Darryl

I find it amusing that the white girl list has 4 derivatives of Katelyn, Caitlin, Kaitlin, and Kaitlyn while the black girl list has 4 derivatives of Jazmine, Jasmin, Jazmin, and Jasmine. This proves that both white and black parents cannot spell.

Notice that at least half of the black girl's names guarantee them employment at the local "gentleman's club," while most of the white girl list sounds like roll call from a London finishing school.

The white boy list sounds like the cowpokes from the OK Corral, while almost every name on the black boy list can be found in the NFL.

Still trying to figure out why Asia sounds black; it sounds asian to me. I don't know any Chinese people named Africa.

I would like to point out that 2 names that Dave Chapelle has used in his skits appear, one in each list: Tyrone and Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan (I spit hot fire).

Alexus, Xavier, Willie (William?), Reginald, Darryl, and Terrance (Terry?) have never struck me as only black names.

If I had a daughter, I would name her "Ebony." That way her song would be "Ebony and Irony."


It's a Beautiful Day Here at RFK

I don't think the couple pictured would be able to get away with this at the new Busch Stadium. In the immortal words of Harry Carey, "He kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls." Stolen from our friends at Deadspin.

I know I'm already going to Hell for even posting the picture, so let's go for broke. I think we should have a "Caption This Photo" contest in the comments for this one.


Gross Jersey Alert!!

Hit the panic button Jack Bauer...we have a sick jersey on the way. The NHL has offered up some of the greatest/sickest jerseys ever. Remember the Vancouver Canucks with the baby shit brown and yellow "V" jerseys? These may have them beat. The Buffalo Sabres unveiled their new jerseys with a golden buffalo on the front that actually looks like the Southern Miss Golden Eagle. These new jerseys also remind me of the MLB "futuristic" jerseys back a few years ago with the number right under the neck. Also comes with elbow pads like your grandpa's old suits. SICK!!!


Make-A-Wish Foundation Asked To Punch Barry Bonds In The Nuts

AMES, IA--Members of the Make-A-Wish Foundation struggled to come up with aresponse to a dying 9-year-old boy's request that they punch slugger Barry Bonds in the nuts repeatedly. The boy, Danny Wickman of Ames, Iowa, reportedly hates Bonds and wants nothing more than to see him in debilitating pain. The director of the foundation said that it was the first such request that he had ever received.

"That's a first. Obviously the kid really hates Barry Bonds, as a lot of people do, but I don't know if we can comply with his request," said Charles Hopkinton, managing director of Make-A-Wish. "We'll have to call Barry and see if he's OK with it. I mean, it is his dying wish, so we should do everything we can to make it happen. What really strikes me though, is the fact that he [Danny] isn't even interested in doing it himself. He's happy just to watch someone else do it. Now that's hatred."

Wickman has been diagnosed with leukemia and is expected to live another six months. Upon hearing about his condition through a mutual friend, Hopkinton immediately met little Danny to set him up with the foundation. After mulling over his wish, Danny decided it would be fun to watch his least favorite ballplayer get punched in the nuts.

"I kept asking him if he was sure," said Hopkinton. "And he kept saying 'yes.' I offered him all kinds of other stuff, but he was adamant. He wants to see Bonds doubled over in pain before he dies."

Hopkinton apparently offered Wickman a chance to meet Lebron James, have a one-on-one dinner with Brett Favre, and get an all access pass to the MinnesotaVikings training camp. As appealing as these offers sounded, nothing was more appealing than the ruthless beating of Bonds. Mary Wickman, Danny's mother, said her son has always had a deep, seething resentment towards Bonds.

"A lot of people hate that guy, so it should be understandable that he would request something like this," she said. "[Danny] is not some stupid kid who blindly worships athletes. He only roots for guys who are good people. He's heard enough Bonds interviews, as we all have, to know that the guy is an arrogant, selfish prick. I'm sure a lot of people in America would love to see the guy gets his nuts rammed with a sledge hammer. I know I would."

Hopkinton has been trying to come up with a way to present the idea to Bonds. He does not expect the slugger to agree to have his testicles punched, but he may agree to make an appearance with young Danny, at which point they could ambush him.

"That's the only solution I can come up with right now," said Hopkinton. "As bad as it may sound, we might have to trick him into showing up, then just sneak ina few quick cock-punches so Danny can get his wish. After that, we might have to run like hell, but this is a kid's dying wish. We can't say no. And frankly, we don't want to."

The director's biggest concern, he said, is Bonds willingness to show up at all, even for a brief handshake and autograph session. The famous slugger has ar eputation for being ornery and extremely private, even when it comes to cute, dying children.

"I know this guy doesn't do autographs and things like that," said Hopkinton. "I know he has a track record of turning down charity causes. I know because one time I asked him to send a sick kid a signed 8 x 10 and he said no. Can you imagine that? He just had to sign it and send it out. He said he was 'too busy.'Then I told him that he could just have his secretary sign it and send it out, and the kid wouldn't even know any better. He said 'Nah, she's too busy.' Then I asked him to just turn his head slightly and look in the direction of the young boy, who was sitting behind the dugout. He just said 'Nah. Got a sore neck.' That's why, if we can pull this off, I'll be the first in line to smack him."

While most sick children request time with athletes they admire, Wickman said he'll be perfectly content to see an athlete he does not admire suffer greatly. When asked why he had such antipathy for the hall-of-fame slugger, young Danny answered with his usual candor.

"Why do I hate Barry Bonds? There's no specific reason. I just think he's a dick," said Wickman. "He's so conceited and he thinks he's better than everyone else and he's sits there in that stupid reclining chair in the clubhouse like he's the king of the world or something. Having this disease really sucks, but I swear I'll die happy if someone punches Barry in the nuts. It's easy. All they have to do is get a press pass to go into the Giants locker room after a game, pretend they're a reporter, and give him a couple quick punches. That's all it takes to really hurt someone. Is that too much to ask, Mr. Hopkinton? Don't you want to make a dying boy happy?"


The Greatest Touchdown Celebration

Ask any running back or receiver in the NFL and they'll tell you that picking the right endzone dance is the toughest thing to do in the game of football. Remembering a playbook larger than the local yellow pages? Piece of cake. Taking hits from 250 pound linebackers? Whatever.

But what is the best way to embarrass your opponents after you have scored a touchdown? The answer could make or break your career.

For the youngsters out there, do some homework on the O.G.'s of endzone dancers: Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, The Fun Bunch, and Ickey Woods.

And I'm sure you're familiar with the work of today's celebration artists like Steve Smith and my buddy Chad Johnson.

But there is one touchdown celebration that only few have dared to try in the history of the world. That's right, I said the world, not just the NFL. It has been passed down, almost secretly, from generation to generation for thousands of years. It has never been documented until today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you about the greatest touchdown celebration of all time: the Bust of Statutization.

1 football
1 football field
2 teams
concrete mix, preferably in a 100 gallon pool
a base to stand on
a living will

If you're lost, let me set the scene for you. Down 20-14 in the 4th quarter, your quarterback has led an amazing drive, setting you up at the 15 yard line. With only a few seconds left, he heaves a pass in your direction, towards the corner of the end zone. You look up, reach further than you've ever reached before, haul in the pass and you've got it! Touchdown!

Now what do you do? How about a little "Letcha Shoulda Lean" out there? Or beat up on the goalpost? No, this moment calls for something a little more symbolic. This is the point in time where the pool of concrete comes into play. Nothing to it, just jump in there with the football still in hand. After you are fully covered, get on top of the base and just stand there--forever.

The Bust of Statutization is not a flashy celebration by any means, and kind of sad because you have to end your own life. But making yourself into a human statue takes it to the highest level of showmanship possible. And that's why we are all here, right?

Like I said before, the Bust of Statutization has only been done on a few occasions in history.

After orchestrating a game winning drive, Jesus Christ Himself ran to the middle of the field at the original Notre Dame Stadium and mocked His unworthy opponents. The statue came up missing the next day. No photo was ever taken, but it was painted onto a large mural still on the Notre Dame campus, shown to the left.

Some historians will tell you that they've always thought Napoleon was a jerk. To that I say: who cares? His "First Down" statue pose will go down as the best celebration of a non-touchdown catch ever. To make matters worse, he took his horse with him. Killing yourself to make your own statue is one thing; bringing the horse along to share in your glory makes it even better.

Finally, we have the most recent use of the Bust of Statutization. He was once a living legend in the rap game, but after running for a 6 touchdown performance against a pickup team in his hometown of Oakland, Tupac Shakur knew of only one way to mark that historic event. He whipped out his cleanest suit, jumped in a pool of gold (Tupac does things his way), and ensured that his legacy will live on forever. Many of his friends tried to talk him out of it, but Tupac was adamant about rubbing it in just a little more.


Like Confucius once said: Rule #1 of talking smack is that the smack must be delivered...no matter what consequences come of it.

And if you have to pull out the Bust of Statutization to deliver the smack, it must be done (Also, make sure I'm there to see it).

On the other hand, if you don't want to take your touchdown celebration to the ultimate level, you can always fall back on The Slater Dance.


Bert is fuckin up!

As a person in the media, this is one of my worst nightmares. The FCC is always watching over us and it's safe to say they are all over this! First, Jeff Reardon robs a jewelry store and now another former Twins pitcher, Bert Blyleven, picks a bad time to have a brain-fart and a sailor's mouth.


Royals Promo

Oh, you think you had it great this Labor Day? Not only did I tear shit up in my Fantasy Draft, but I got to catch the season finale between the Omaha Royals and the Iowa Cubs. Got to see Cubs top prospect Felix Pie and watch the Royals finish 38 games under .500 at 53-91. The Royals did kick the tires on Pat Mahomes and bring him in. Yeah, the Pat Mahomes to the right. Ugly.

You ask what was the promotion today? Apparently it was a free loaf of bread and six mini-golf passes. Sounds like a stoners dream. YES!!!


The King is Back

During last year's football season, Burger King put out one of the best television marketing campaigns of recent memory. They took highlights of real NFL moments and, by using the magic powers of computer dorks, inserted their silent spokesman The King into the plays.

If you recall, there were a couple touchdown runs (one was the Randy Moss to Moe Williams lateral of a few years ago), a Deion Sanders pick returned for a touchdown, and coach Don Shula getting doused with Gatorade. But instead of those guys, they all featured The King in those glorious moments!

As a self-proclaimed marketing genius, I gave Burger King a thumbs up with this campaign. Honestly, I kind of forgot about it until a couple days ago, when a brand new commercial featuring The King came out. This time he is in the background of the famous Terrell Owens front yard press conference, conducted by agent Drew Rosenhaus.

I'll try not to make a habit out of posting videos on this here site, but this one is too good to pass up. Enjoy!