12.14.2005

Bert Flex Glossary

Here is where you can find explanations for some of the goofy crap we say and why we think it's funny. There's obviously a lot of inside jokes on this page so this will help the uninitiated understand.

Bert Flex: nickname for Albert Pujols. the media has tried to give him a nickname and have come up with such excellent ideas as Phat Albert, Albert the Great, etc. In our humble opinion, these all suck. So we created the best nickname ever: Bert Flex.

Marshall McDougal (right): The greatest college second baseman ever because of one game. On May 9th, 1999 FSU 2B McDougal went 7-for-7 with 6HRs and 16 RBI against Maryland. He finished the day with a single, a solo homerun, a 2-run homerun, three 3-run homeruns, and a grand slam. Why did Maryland pitch to him after the 5th one?

Wendell Clark: the all-time MVP of video game hockey. No matter what game you're playing, you want the team with Wendell Clark. This fact has been proven over and over on the Sega Genesis and Sony Playstation.

Brad Lohaus: the Wendell Clark of NBA Jam. When the game came out for Sega, nobody wanted to be the Milwaukee Bucks because of the terrible players on the team, Blue Edwards and Lohaus. Once someone decided to play with the Bucks, we quickly discovered that Brad Lohaus was the single biggest offensive threat in the game. He would rain threes on you like what. We eventually had to forbid people from using the Bucks because they were too dominant if you just let Lohaus shoot a three every time down the court. Interesting notes about his NBA career: 36% 3pt career, 44% from the floor career.

The Pellegrino Curse: I have a unique ability that many of the people who post on this site have witnessed. If I talk trash on a player I hate, he will inevitably blow up in my face. The most memorable instance of this was when a few of us had tickets to the Blues-Flyers game on 1/8/01. I made it a point to repeatedly tell Keith Primeau that he wasn't a good hockey player... every shift. He scored both goals in a Blues 2-1 OT loss. I am also responsible for Chad Curtis' 2 HR game in the 1999 World Series. White Sox C Ben Davis homered on the next pitch after I called him "Mike Matheny without the power." This list could go on a while, but it is definitely an observable phenomenon.

Charles Schwab Sharpe/Sehorn Commerical: possibly the best commercial of all time. Shannon Sharpe talkin' trash to Sehorn featuring such great lines as "Sehorn! You don't know your elbows from your asshole!", "You couldn't tackle me in a phone booth" (which might be hard to do anyway), "You can't even spell Dow Jones", "Do you know how to calculate a P/E ratio?" and "Your mama pays full commission!" Classic. If you don't enjoy this commercial, you probably won't find this site funny either.

Blake Stepp (right, towel should be over his face): His name is synonymous with abject failure. In the 2004 NCAA tournament pool, I had taken Gonzaga to win it all based on the All-American season Blake Stepp was having. As I learned that day, NEVER TRUST WHITEY! In the second round against Nevada, he shoots 3-of-18 from the floor including 1-of-12 from 3. The Zags got demolished by 19 points, causing a complete and utter mental breakdown by yours truly. I calmly suggested to Mr. Stepp that he continue shooting the ball since he was obviously having the best shooting day of his life. Sadly, he listened to my advice and shot me and his team right out of the tournament. This, combined with Stanford's loss earlier in the day, meant that both of the teams I had selected for the championship game had been eliminated on the first saturday of the tournament. This led to the ceremonial burning of my bracket on York's porch. It was a beautiful thing.

3 comments:

hazelwood's most wanted said...

lovely...

i've never played against brad "craig" lohaus; i would talk a lot of smack about calbert cheaney in nba jam TE, but he really sucked it up the night i played tp and j-ro.

another question to ask maryland: why did you pitch to him after the 6th home run?

-sk

ps. don't forget about Hurt Flex--the nickname for mark prior.

sir said...

"Oh Dear God, see my name's Brad. And I just blew people up in NBA Jam. But theres just one problem. Everybody still thinks that I absolutely SUCK!. And just then Brad Lohaus, your house started to shake, the heavens opened up, and God himself spoke to you and said this. "Craig...", "But my name's Brad.." "IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!"

Yeah, my memory is bad on that too. Brad, Craig, whatever. Musta been all them rocks I smoked.

Actually, the Maryland Terrible-pins didn't pitch to him after the 6th jack because it was in the 9th. His single came in the first, after which he homered in innings 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, & 9. Jeez Shaun, get your Marshall McDougal facts straight.
-tp

Dallas J. Hawk said...

Keep Shooting Whitey! You are terrible. I hate you Blake Stepp. I love that picture of you burning the bracket. Just a small piece of TP's NCAA Bracket history. Remember this year before you fill out your brackets find out who TP has in Final Four. One of those teams are going home before the sweet 16.

J-money