20 Worst Foods in America: The Experts are Wrong Again

I saw this article yesterday on yahoo.com - it is the 20 Worst Foods in America, originally published by Men's Health. Hey guys, thanks for looking out for us, but where is asparagus, spinach, and grapefruit? I don't see them listed...

Any health-conscious person would never think about chomping down on these so-called "worst foods." Unfortunately health-conscious people don't run this site, which means here's a list of 20 delicious and highly recommended cuisines by the staff of BertFlex.com! Personally, I'm a big fan of #14 on this list, Quizno's Classic Italian. The large version is 1510 calories - combine that with a Dairy Queen Blizzard for dessert (hey, it's not in the top 20...must be healthy) and you'll have a championship-caliber evening.

#1 is Outback Steakhouse's Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't want any Ranch dressing with my fries, so maybe that'll knock off a handful of the 2900 calories that is contained in the picture to the left. That almost looks disgusting enough to not eat. But I like making decisions on how it looks "on paper" (in this case, a greasy, pick-it-up-with-the-tip-of-your-fingers paper):

Fries? Check. Cheese? Check. Bacon? Check. That's a Winner, folks.

(comment-provoking question alert)...

Have you guys or girls have ever taken down any of these items on the list?

-I've conquered #20 - The McDonald's Chicken Selects (but w/o ranch sauce)
-An "almost" on #16 - I've only had Chipotle's Steak Burrito; I would have thought that would be less healthy than grilled chicken.
-Many times on #14 - Quizno's Italian
-I've split #2 with a couple other people - Chili's Awesome Blossom (whoa!)

Looking at this, it's obvious that I'm slacking. Anyone want to help me add to my list over the weekend? I apologize to my heart in advance.

This has inspired me to put together the top 10 food events that are approved by the BertFlex Board of Approval. It will be posted by the time you're ready to play on the computer at work Monday morning, and should serve as a guide on how to treat your body just as crappily as we do.


The Good Face said...

I'm a little disappointed in myself. I've only knocked off the Chipotle chicken burrito and the Jamba Juice shake -- although I really think "an entire large Papa John's pizza" should make the list somewhere.

It looks like Chili's is your one-stop shop for clogging your arteries up real good.

And what self-respecting dude eats salad?

Hack said...

This whole article reminds me about the guy I went to law school, that on a dare, drank an entire large soda glass of ranch dressing at Shamus O'Daniel's in Dogtown. I'm sure he'll have an early death.

Anonymous said...

I've destroyed Chipotle many times, but I'm more of a Qdoba man. I guess it's more healthy. And a Double $6 Burger? This is what I live for.

BH approved foods include the Donut Burger and Godfather's Pizza Monkey Bread. And no, I just didn't drop a racist joke on you.

Anonymous said...

Also- ask Sir about Runza's.

Mad Librarian said...

I am a complete failure. As penance, I'm going to speed my weekend sampling these foods. Then I'm going to spend my Monday being removed from my house with a whale crane, weighed on a livestock scale, and put on a doctor-supervised liquid diet.

This is going to be so great.

sir said...

I've hit the WacArnolds Chicken Selects, the Chipotle Burrito, the Bob Evans Pancakes, the PF Chang's Lo Mein, the Uno Chicago Pizza, the Macaroni Grill Spaghetti, and the Awesome Blossom (Outback, not Chili's but same thing). That's 7; am I the leader in the clubhouse?

Big Head, I'm trying to decide how many Runza's I should go for this weekend. I'm setting the over/under at 6.

Anonymous said...

Uno - Check
Blossom- Check (Outback's)
PF Chang's- Check
Chipotle- Check
Bob Evans- Check

I will try to get a 2x $6 Burger today.

Sir, you still have me beat.

And if I remember correctly, you ate four Runza's in one day (two each game) PLUS a King Kong Burger after the game. Correct? I could only imagine the atom bomb of a shit that was scheduled later on.

Anonymous said...

good face: it's a taco salad...1450 calories is my kind of salad. i just have to find out where "on the border" is. no, that's not a racist joke either.

b-head: hardees is also on my list of things to do tomorrow.

tp: we knew you'd be the leader, hitting up all those mom and pop chi-town restaurants like chili's and pf chang's.

back to big head: i'm afraid to ax, but what's a runza?

also, i've had pot pies plenty of times thanks to mama hmw's cooking; i'm just not sure if it was comparable to #18, which is 1020 calories. good god almighty!

Hack said...

Gentlemen and Ladies,

This is an opportunity. Bert Flex should do the "20 Worst Foods Tour" and make a stop at each location listed.

Any takers? Unfortunately Sir can not join us, as he's in Chicago, sampling the local eateries like Applebee's and Buffalo Wild Wings.

Mad Librarian said...

HMW, the only place I've ever seen an On the Border is Texas (also not a racist joke), but rumor is they have them in the Chicago 'burbs and Kansas City.

Hack, that's a solid idea. Just the thought makes me want to throw up.