Jeremy "the King" Lawler

I'd like to congratulate our own Jeremy King for making his color commentary debut Friday night on the Flo Valley Radio Network, calling an intense game between Flo and North Arkansas.
I was only able to listen for the final 5 or 6 minutes of the game, but did get to hear Jeremy drop this little gem:

(play by play guy) "Well Florissant Valley can go up by 5 by making this free throw, 1.6 seconds left..."

(JK) "If he makes this, it'll be all over...there's never been a five point play...this isn't MTV's Rock 'n Jock basketball"


Where's Godzilla?

Shaun, you should have used this picture for the "Jugs" pitching machine.

Fred McGriff - "This picture gets results"


WBC Preview Part 1:

Team Netherlands Ready To Take On The World

Andruw Jones showed up to try out for the Netherlands on Wednesday, surprised to see so many great players in the country's heated contest for the center field spot.

"It's gon' be ard to make dis club, mang. Der is a lot of top competition for the tree outfield spots."

Among Jones competing for a spot on the roster are such greats like Robin van Doornspeek and Dirk Kloostervan't.

Jones didn't come by himself. He brought a #1 pitcher with him from the United States: a 1997 Juggs Pitching Machine used by the Atlanta Braves!

After finding out this potential ace had made it to the tryouts in one piece, manager Robert Eenhoorn said, "We have been real desperate for a #1 type guy, who's going to shut down the big boys in big situations. We're glad Andruw brought the Juggs Machine with him."

Also in Andruw Jones' goodie bag was a defensive drills video from the Tom Emanski series. Now his possible teammates will have some sort of idea what to do when the ball is hit to them and how to crow-hop the Emanski way!

Experts say the 8-time Gold Glover Jones and the playoff-experienced Pitching Machine have a pretty good chance to make the team. But not so fast, Eenhoorn points out, "Neither of them should take representing our country for granted. Nobody has made this team just yet." The Netherlands' first game is March 8th vs. Puerto Rico in San Juan.

(ugly hat...check)
(ugly wristband...check)
"This is the instructional video for YOU."


Conspiracy Revealed: Barber Gets His Revenge On Panthers


Bertflex.com has learned from our sources in Seattle, Washington that the Seattle Seahawks CHEATED in their game last night vs. the Carolina Panthers. Apparently RB Shaun Alexander has not fully recovered from his concussion suffered in the game last weekend against the Redskins. Trainers told the team's star running back that he could not play in the NFC Championship game. Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren was made aware of this information Thursday, January 19th, and quickly got on the phone with the New York Giants.

Transcripts of these conversations have been shredded.

No one in Seattle's front office has been talking about these phone calls.

Even airport records of private jets flying in and out of the Seattle Airport have suddenly vanished.

Why, you ask?

Because Tiki Barber filled in for Shaun Alexander on Sunday, January 22nd vs. the Carolina Panthers, rushing for 132 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Our sources in the Northwest are highly credible and we know for a fact that this information is 100% accurate. Here is evidence if you do not believe us:

Will the real Shaun Alexander please stand up?

What could possess Holmgren to go to such lengths? 1.) Obviously they look exactly alike and no one could tell the difference. 2.)Tiki Barber was shut down and did next to nothing against the Panthers two weeks ago, thus his motivation to get a second chance at running all over the Carolina D was at an all-time high. 3.) Brett Favre would have done the same thing.

Here is a photo of "Shaun Alexander" in yesterday's game, most likely pointing to the real Shaun Alexander in the owner's luxury box:

This is not a photoshop. Anyone can tell that is Tiki Barber in the Seahawks uniform. Notice the referee is turned the other way? The NFL could be in on this conspiracy, too.

We are the first to break this story and if more information becomes available, we will be the first to report that, as well.

The next question that needs to be answered: What can Bill Cowher do to counteract this new Seahawk two-headed monster in the Super Bowl?

This dance craze is sweeping the nation: The Cowher Face-Step.


If I Could Be Serious...

Nothing says "winning attitude" like hiring a guy from the Dolphins...

The Rams coaching search was very similar to the Cardinals offseason moves: not a lot of impact players to pick from, and a very uninspiring result. The Cardinals could have thrown away a ton of money on grown men by the name of A.J. and B.J., but decided to fill their gaps with average players. We would have loved for the Cardinals to make a huge free agent signing or negotiate another shrewd Jocketty trade, but not a lot of quality was out there for the taking.

Same goes for this coaching search.

Of all the coaches who were available (and were realistic candidates), it's not crazy to say that Mike Martz was the most qualified candidate out there. The record speaks for itself; he's been to the playoffs and Super Bowl. Herm Edwards has a fraction of the winning track record of Martz and the Chiefs were giggling like school girls once they hired him.

But it was time for a change, and there's no way Martz would (and should) coach this team in 2006. The trend has been hiring young coordinators as head coaches and reaping the benefits almost immediately. Lovie Smith, Marvin Lewis, even Charlie Weis turned their programs around within a year or two. And it's said that they all bring "a winning attitude" to their teams.

Winning attitude is not something that comes to mind when I think of the Miami Dolphins offense. In all fairness, Scott Linehan was only there for one year (with the Vikings from '02-'04, the pre-sex boat days). And the Dolphins finished the season strong with six straight wins and a final record of 9-7. Somehow he found a way to get Gus Frerotte to throw 18 touchdown passes.

So he must know what he's doing, there's no debating that. Is he ready to be a head coach? Probably not, but that's the way it goes in today's NFL. Retreads are a thing of the past; nobody wants to devote three or four years to a guy who was bad in his previous coaching stint. Unless you are the Patriots. Also, the Giants and Cowboys' fans probably like their recycled coaches now--Tom Coughlin and Bill Parcells. So even though it is proven that coaches in their second or even third try can build a winning franchise, owners are cautious to take that chance.

At least by hiring a new coach, the owner has an excuse if he sucked: "Well he might not have been ready..."

Hopefully John Shaw isn't reading that quote at his podium in January 2009.

If I could be Sean Salisbury for a moment by making an obvious statement: Hiring a head coach today isn't an easy thing. Do you take a risk with someone like Herm Edwards or Dom Capers--guys who have experience and can tweak their coaching approach from the mistakes of the past? Or try to catch the next Smith, Lewis, or Weis by going with the younger inexperienced candidate?

I'm not disappointed with the Rams' hiring. But like I said before--very uninspired. Possibly the only thing that can lift my spirits is if we draft D'Brickashaw Ferguson, an O-Tackle who possesses one of the greatest names in the history of sports. Unfortunately for him, we need to take a defensive approach in the first round, no matter what position. At the 11th pick, A.J. Hawk probably won't be there, but maybe Brady Quinn's sister will be. She trailed LB Chris Claiborne in sacks by 0.5 this past year, so it might not be so far fetched.

Mr. Linehan, you are on the clock. In reality you have three years to turn the Rams around, let's see what you got.

And just because this entry was an actual serious opinion for once, here's a fictional quote by Sean Salisbury on the Rams' situation:

"You've got to have FOOTBALL players making FOOTBALL plays. The coaches are gonna coach. The players are gonna play. The FOOTBALL is gonna be there every Sunday for you to throw and run! The crowd is gonna expect FOOTBALL players playing on the field, by playing FOOTBALL. Real FOOTBALL. Lines on the field, signicating where the FOOTBALL should go! Is signicating really a word? FOOTBALL--get that word in your vocabulary college boy! You love hearing myself talk. I love hearing myself talk. And everyone loves the way I think...and I'm a man who thinks about FOOTBALL. A LOT!"


The Big Sandwich and his bold predictions for 2006

Michael Jordan comes out of retirement.....AGAIN!

At the ripe ol' age of 43, MJ will join the Los Angeles Lakers in mid-season. Phil Jackson, fearing that Kobe will not be able to carry the Lakers to the playoffs, calls Jordan while his "airness" is in the parking lot of a Walgreens betting a couple of teenagers that they can't steal his box of Icy Hot from him. Jackson explains to MJ that Jeanie Buss will not sleep with him unless he wins his 10th championship and quote "gets off Red Auerbach's dick". Jordan and the Lakers sneak into the playoffs and get swept in the first round. MJ takes his half-season of salary and loses it in 5 minutes at the crap tables in Atlantic City. Phil Jackson summons all of his zen-masterfullness and coaches Jeanie Buss to give him a BJ.

Barry Bonds is shot to death by Reggie Jackson

Barry Lamar Bonds, sitting on 754 career homeruns, steps up to the plate on a chilly September night at SBC Park. The Giants are fighting for the NL West pennant with a slim half game lead on the Padres, whom they happen to be playing. Trevor Hoffman stares in at Bonds and mutters something to himself, later on umpire Dana Demuth compared the closers rumblings to the voice of satan. Suddenly, Reggie Jackson appears out of the visitors dugout wearing his old Angels uniform and brandishing a gun. The players in the Giants dugout watch everything unfold but can do nothing about it because they are all OLD and cannot move quickly. Mr. October points the gun at Bonds, shoots him in his "armorless" left arm, laughs at the irony then shoots him in the face.

Bode Miller wins the bronze medal in Torino

Bad boy of skiing Bode Miller stuns the world as he stumbles to the podium to receive his bronze medal for skiing in the mens downhill competion. He was seen in the early hours of the morning staggering out of an Italian winery yelling obscenities and trying to force himself on NBC commentator Verne Lundquist. When asked if he was drunk during his medal winning run Miller exclaimed, "I pissed myself halfway down the slope and now it's frozen to my leg!"

Jason York will pick Kansas to go to the Final Four

This is not so much a "bold" prediction, as it is more of a "truth" and something you can count on like death and taxes.


Fake Invitation of the Day

You Are Invited!

This Sunday come on over to Chad Johnson's house in suburban Cincinatti for some playoff action! It promises to be a huge event as Chad said in his press conference yesterday:

CJ: "Yea I got some big things lined up fo' ya. Some barbeque, some football, some women. Chad gots what you want, man. Oh and when we play some backyard football...and WHEN I score a touchdown...be ready for the greatest celebration of all time. The GREATEST! Ever. EVER!"

reporter: "Can we have a hint about your end zone dance, Chad?"

CJ: "You want a hint? Aight...Imma be barbequing right? Grillmaster. Tongs. Kiss the Cook? Lighter fluid! That's probably giving too much away...aight here's another hint (whispers): napkins, bitches."

reporter: "What?"

CJ: "I can't tell you any more. Just be there, you'll see. And bring a side dish, cracka!"

"I got my coaches in a heaaadlock..."


I want to kiss you

Since the wild card games were WAY dissapointing this weekend, I need a pick-me up and a good laugh. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!


Hazelwood Mayor Tells Ford: " Don't Be Hatin' "

If you did not hear the news yesterday, Governor Matt Blunt, St. Louis County Executive Charlie Dooley and Hazelwood Mayor T.R. Carr made a little road trip up to Dearborn, Michigan.

The Mission? To punk out Ford for jerking around the city of Hazelwood for a couple years now.

The media will tell you that the trio of politicians went "to try and persuade Ford Motor Company to keep the plant in Hazelwood open," by using fancy powerpoint presentations and laser pointers. But NO, this did not actually happen. Being a Hazelwood Insider, I had the pleasure of getting the scoop of what really went down in Michigan.

9am Central Standard Time, Thursday January 5th.

The Hazelwood representatives kick down the door to Anne Stevens' office. She is Ford's executive vice president and chief operating officer for the Americas.


1) Hazelwood Mayor T.R. Carr tells Stevens, "I got 99 problems, and you are a bitch! You know what you're doing to Hazelwood is wrong. Don't turn your back on us, we is crazy! We ain't afraid to go to jail! Ashy Carr-y, Lindbergh projects what, Son?"

2) Dooley added, "Maybe if you didn't have to pay Toby Keith billions of dollars to sing about your trucks, you'd have some more money. I ought to whoop yo ass right now for lookin' at me that way. This is how we do it back in the U-City, man (suddenly Dooley breaks out some kung fu on her).

3) If that wasn't enough, Matt Blunt pulls out a wiffleball bat and puts some sunglasses on. He starts walking in slow motion over to her desk (because it looks cooler that way). "It's plain and simple, yo. We don't need you. If you want to bail out, then get the f--- out. I'm Matt Blunt, that's something you don't understand. I don't like tax cuttin, but I do like throat cuttin. Hazelwood is the home of BigFoot. Think they need yo' punk asses?" After whapping her over the head with the wiffleball bat, Blunt declared: "I'm OUT!"

So you can see that our local politicians got their point across quite well yesterday at the home of Ford. The moral of the story? Ford we don't need you. If you want to stick around, that's great. It'll save 1400 jobs. But if you don't want to stay in the Hizzle, we'll move on to something else. You need to make up your mind and quit sucking.

Either way, we plan on kicking Toby Keith's ass.

It'll Be A Wife-Beatin' Good Time


New Pix at the Photo Gallery

Click the link on the right under "Required Reading" for the new additions to the Bert Flex Photo Gallery. The two new albums are called "Bird Flex" and "Josh Eats Stuff."

The "Bird Flex" album shows Bird Flex hanging out, helping everyone do the Captain Morgan pose, beating Josh in RBI and foosball, getting dunked on by Shaun, and getting the Bill Cowher face from me. For those who don't know yet, Bird Flex is the plastic parrot Justin stole from Westport who has quickly become the newest member of the crew. Some people would say he's cooler than Josh. I might be "some people." Some people might also say that Josh has some real jerks for friends.

The "Josh Eats Stuff" gallery is obviously photographic evidence of Josh eating stuff from this past weekend. Good times were had by some, but not necessarily by the Waffles and Bass (the beer, not the fish) breakfast Josh ate on monday morning. Some people think that "Waffles and Bass" might make a good band name. Once again, I might be "some people."


I was right

It was just another crappy Ohio morning on Sunday, January 3rd. Nothing strange, nothing un-Ohioey. Until, that is, the Columbus PD put out an APB for an "African-American male, approximately 5’10", wanted for a robbery behind the Opium Lounge. Suspect should be considered armed and doughy." Police later found Maurice Clarett laying on his back outside a Jimmy John’s, chest heaving uncontrollably in a feeble attempt to catch his breath, stolen cell phone in one hand, meatball sandwich in the other. Yup, everyone’s favorite fat boy finally turned into the train wreck I said he would.
That’s right, I told you.
I’ve been wrong about a great many things in my life (for a complete list, scroll to the bottom of this post), but I called this one. You see, when Mo-Mo the monster scored the touchdown that (after some judicious use of referee fiat) would clinch THE North Thieving’ Fuckface University’s first national championship since the Johnson administration, I placed a curse on him. It was something to the effect of "Hey Maurice Clarett, I hate you, I hope you die. (Thanks, TP)" Three years later, I think its worked. Just to be sure, let’s do a little side-by-side comparison.
Me: College Degree from the third or forth best university in St. Louis.
Mo: One year at the 8th or 9th best school in the Big Ten, where he admitted that boosters were having his grades fixed. What kind of wobbly-head can’t even stomach the idea of not going to class for four years and still getting a degree?
Me: Fat, but in that Jolly ol’ St. Nick sort of way
Mo: Fat, but in that "I’m gonna be on Celebrity Fit Club" sort of way
Me: Not a felon
Mo: Felon with priors, lest we forget the incident wherein he accepted tens of thousands of dollars in illegal gifts, then lied to the cops about them getting stolen, presumably for insurance purposes. Then again, the chances that this ass clown can spell insurance are pretty slim. He’s done a great job of hedging his bets so far.
Me: lives with momma
Mo: lives with momma, but only after posting bond.
I’m gonna go ahead and say it: I have officially beaten Maurice Clarett at life. Tap out bitch!
Just to prove that I’m not a sore winner, though, here’s a list of things I got wrong, followed by the things I got right. I’ll let you guys decide.
Things I got right
Maurice Clarett
Colt 45 (that’s some tasty ass shit)
Bo Jackson (I don’t care about his busted hip. That guy graduated from Auburn with a double major in Superhero and Azzkickin’)
Tom Cruise (I knew he was crazy when I saw Vanilla Sky. Y’all just late to the party)
Being the best Mario Golfer Ever (it’s science)
Grilled Stuffed Burritos
Things I got wrong
Bud Smith
Brent Johnson
Justin Morneau (How was I to know he was gonna get beaned in the noodle?)
Roy Williams (I just assumed the astounding shittiness he displayed at Kansas would stick with him. Now we know that it is not he, but the entire state of Kansas that is shitty.)
Drinking Tequila with a raw egg
These socks I’m wearing (I mean, what’s the deal?)

P.S. does anyone else notice how much Jeff Reardon looks like George Lucas in that mugshot?