'08 Election Live Blog

1:12 - Poker game broke out. Were we doing something here?

8:56 - Sir, Hack, and the entire staff of Fox News are sinking into a depression.

8:44 - Rudy Giuliani will be joining us in a few minutes. Stand by. -hmw

8:29 - Fox News reporter Carl Cameron just said "tough road to hoe." Hah.

8:23 - I'm wearing a Bacon Salt hat. That's right. -hmw

8:19 - They're calling Ohio, so looks like game o-v-e-r. Guitar Hero time?

8:11 - I've been waiting since 2004 to bring up this awesome Photoshop work again. It ran on the front of CNN.com on Election Day for about 10 minutes, until someone there recovered a modicum of sense.


8:00 - We've got pizza, chiiips, and the election mix on the satellite. So far, looks like we haven't learned from our mistakes in calling states early in 2000, Hack is already visibly in a mild rage, and Sir has the I-wants for an election board.

Home Run Derby Oh Eight Live-Blog

What up kids, HMW here getting pumped up for tonight's Home Run Derby. We'll be live-blogging it in a few hours, but here's your chance to get your predictions out in the open!

It doesn't even have to be about baseball; for example, feel free to give some predictions on how rowdy HMW and The Good Face (pictured - hanging out over the weekend) get during the coverage. With all that pizza and grape soda, things are bound to get out of hand. I'll say it right now - the cops will probably get called three times to settle things down.

See you soon, broskie's.

7:00 p.m. Mrs. Good Face has stolen the remote and is trying to make us watch "Friends." She's about to lose privileges. -- TGF

7:01 p.m. Oh, crap. Three Doors Down is playing. Maybe we should watch "Friends." -- TGF

7:03 p.m. Is is too late to change my prediction? Eric Young, he of "Souvenir City" fame, also thinks Pants Jerkman will win this mashfest. ... Sweet, 3DD is done. Let's start rakin'. -- TGF

7:05 Breaking news: HMW had a run-in with a hottie and took a printer off her hands. That's how we roll. But did she look as good as Erin Andrews? -- TGF

7:09 We've traded Eric Young for Rick Reilly at the BBTN set. Upgrade? - TGF

7:11 Back to HMW - I bought a printer/copier/scanner earlier tonight from an attractive young lady. Now I'm eating some Rally's (proving Librarian wrong...well, so far). Been a good day.

7:14 Sir chimes in via text: "Rick Reilly on the call? That's worse than awful. Glad the sound is off at Hooters." Nice work Sir.

7:15 Another text by Sir: "These unis are putrid too. How do you screw up black, white and gray? Pull. Over."

7:16 Okay, Sir is taking over. One more (in response to the Jeter/Erin Andrews conversation): "Erin Andrews was just impregnated by that conversation."

7:19 Finally back to the stars of the show: me and Good Face. I was in the middle of taking a screen shot of Erin Andrews, but Sir kept interrupting with his damn texts. Keep em coming Sir, but bad timing on that one.

7:21 Dan Thuggla is up, being pitched to by Mike "Leggo My" Gallego, per Chris Berman. Where's the mute button, I'm tired of this already.

7:22 First swing=bomb. Not bad.

7:23 Sir again: "There's a black dude two tables down with a hat that says 'Highly Edumacated.'"

7:26 Already had to use the seven second delay, after Uggla popped one out and groaned, "Ah Shit!"

7:27 Thuggla done at six. He's the leader in the clubhouse, according to Boomer. Thanks for letting us know, Captain Obvious.

7:28 Joe Morgan is talking about Uggla's powerful legs. He's no Brett "the Hitman" Wallace. Oh! New text from Sir, breaking it down: "Did that hit the booth? Nice show. Couple of tape measure bombs. Respect."

7:30 Grady's Lady's is up. Two HR's to start. Let's talk about his legs too.

7:31 According to the Good Face, it's like there's 20 Chris Duncans out there shagging balls.

7:32 The Lovely Erin interviews Big Papi: Evedy Gang! Evedy Gang!

7:33 Only took TGF 15 minutes to say "Shut up Joe (Morgan)!" 'Nother text from Sir: "Holy Shit - Hope you brought your glove upper deck." Grady's putting on a show, lots of tape measure shots. Six total. Tie in the clubhouse Berman!! What are we gonna dooooo!!!???

7:40 Longoria is up. TGF and I are drooling. Another text from Sir re: the commercial break, "Judging from that X-Files commercial, Gillian Anderson has not aged well."

7:44 E-Long ends with three. He says, "I was yankin' too much." Been there before brotha.

7:46 Chase Butley time. I'm passing this off to TGF, gotta concentrate.

7:47 HMW is getting his calories on with another sourdough deathfest from Rally's. You gotta eat.

7:49 The shaggin' kids (that doesn't sound right) are hanging in well against Utley's line drives. So, really, they're nothing like Chris Duncan at all. -- TGF

7:52 Five for Utley. He's my pick for fewest homers after the All-Star break. Pants is up next. ... The Jimmy Rollins/Scott Van Pelt commercial gets five thumbs up from me. Also, the MLB Network starts on January 1, 2009. So if you need me, that's where I'll be. -- TGF

7:55 Sir breaks it down: Utley not impressive, but OK for a line-drive hitter. Bold prediction time: Longoria will win one of these before he's done. He's a lumberjack. -- TGF

7:59 Text from Sir: Jamie Quirk is funsta get blasted on right herr (pitching to Pants). -- TGF

8:00 Rick Reilly's even less entertaining than we are. -- TGF

8:02 Eight from the Jerkman. Jamie Quirk did indeed get blasted. It's as if Sir has the power of prognostication. -- TGF

8:03 Big Head is working and mashing. He sez Rick Reilly looks like he could eat an apple through a fence. Hire a writer to talk? Terrwibble.

8:05 Also Big Head just saw Josh Hamilton checking his beeper.

8:09 Rick Reilly is sealing his fate for this being "Rick Reilly's only Home Run Derby appearance" after complaining about no black guys, including Pujols, Abreu, Manny, and Ortiz. Black guys...yeah. I wish we could have seen Karl Ravech's uncomfortable-ness on screen. (Edit: They even kicked EY off the BBTN set to bring in Reilly. -- TGF)

8:10 Finally - a John Kruk one-ball reference. Well done by TGF.

8:17 Peter Gammons dogging people who vote for the ASG at the ballpark, instead giving props to those of us on the Intrawebs. That's a bold strategy, Cotton. -- TGF

8:18 Text from Sir (re: Braun): His agent is throwing to him? He must not trust those evil Gentiles to pitch to him.

8:20 Jah Slowness has been on the phone with us for 15 minutes. He could be here by now. I'm calling jobber, for one night at least. -- JGF

8:21 After a slow start, Braun finishes with a very respectable seven. Good thing I traded him in the Worst Deal Ever. ... For the record, Slowness likes Canadian Bacon for the win. In fact, he's in for a dollar. That's a lot of money. -- TGF

8:24 Not only do we have HRD going, but we've got RAW during the commercial breaks. Yep, this place is swarming with chicks. -- TGF

8:30 Jeebus, Josh Hamilton. Per Joe Morgan's instructions, keep hitting 'em on the "meat swat." -- TGF

8:31 Big Sandwich sez: Josh Hamilton boompow. Sir sez: Yeah, this arm has tats! Cuz I hit 500-foot bombs and everyone should know it!

8:32 Edinson Volquez wants his title match right now! He just put the Money in the Bank briefcase on home plate. -- TGF

8:33 Controversy! A fan just pulled one over. Does that count?

8:34 Earl Hebner says nay-no. ... I said Jeffrey Maier (sp?) before Chris Berman!!1!1 -- TGF

8:35 According to Reilly, Hamilton used to go to the batting cages during his Dark Ages. So there is hope for all of us. -- TGF

8:38 IAN KINSLER SIGHTING!!! M-I-Z!!! -- TGF

8:40 Kinsler said Hamilton will be going for the black stuff soon (referring to the center field section of Jankee Stadium). My reaction: Then time for the white stuff!! That's why I am the best.

8:43 Up to 23 bombs now. Best round ever. Kids falling down in center field, beating each other up for balls. Ortiz getting booed, Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs!

8:45 I just called TGF "the Joe Morgan of this live blog."

8:45 Let's catch up w/ my text messages: 1) This is epic (sir); 2) Holy Hamilton (friend of the site K-Bo; 3) That's it, I'm starting a coke habit tomorrow (sir). Hilarious.

8:46 "The only way a black guy gets on the field is by tresspassing" -TGF said this. I'm not sure why, but that wins. Three beautiful quotes in two minutes. Good effort guys.

8:48 Hamilton is finally done with 28! Good God Almighty, somebody stop the damn match!

9:06 What we've missed in the last 18 minutes while we experienced Interwebs problems and technical difficulties: a bunch of Reggie Jackson and Rick Reilly. You're welcome. -- TGF

9:07 You know why A-Rod isn't doing the HRD, Rick Reilly? Because he heard you were going to be there. That's why I turned down the invite, too. -- TGF

9:08 You heard it here first: Josh Hamilton has RUINED the HRD. Or at least John Kruk thinks so.

9:10 Sir is watching this awesomeness at his local Hooters. We're asking for some hard-hitting Hooters analysis. We'll report back later. Although, really, watching Jerkman bat is almost like being at Hooters, he just doesn't have the shorts on. -- TGF

9:14 Rick Reilly is the worst idea ever. He said "it's a lousy night to be an atheist." Looks like we're gonna talk about Josh Hamilton for the rest of the night. Unless some Brett Favre news comes in. Then they'll cancel the Home Run Derby.

9:15 This little break (ie. watching "the other guys" bat) reminds me of a WWF house show earlier this decade. Hollywood Matt and I went to the concession stand during a crap match. The line was pretty long, so we were still waiting when the match concluded. We were like "hurry up hurry up, the next match is starting!" All of a sudden we heard the theme music "Weellll it's the Big Shoooowwww!" Ah, fuck it...never mind; take your time guys.

9:20 Sorry, playing with the site meter. We're the #2 link when you google "Rick Reilly racist home run derby" over thebiglead.com and espn.com. Mmm mmm bitch!

9:21 Big Head text: "The look on Braun's face looks like he just hopped out of a trunk after he was abducted. Wtf?" He followed that up with, "Or he was partying Josh Hamilton style circa '01 last night."

9:22 Oh hey, Hamilton is back up. Berman is complaining that Hamilton should hit with only the charity gold balls. Hey Boomer, why don't you donate money and shut the F up?

9:25 The finals! Morneau! Hamilton! Comin' up neeexxxttt!!

9:33 We had to sit through some silly Call The Shot thing. Double Fail.

9:36 Some borderline racist comments about Joe Morgan were made here. Did you know he played for the '75 Reds? They called them the Big Red Machine, did you know that?

9:39 Morneau is doing poopily. 5 bombs total. This shouldn't take long. Hamilton ought to bunt the first 7 pitches.

9:40 Sir's analysis on his Hooters trip: "Just left Hooters and the chick with the largest rack was half Asian. I've never seen that before. Waitress was solid but, shocking I know, didn't flirt with me. She was too busy chatting up the old guys with the pitchers of beer. Funniest part: at the bottom of my receipt it said 'you have been served by Whitney.' I was going to ask her if it was on."

9:41 Librarian is finally done with class. Her text: "Rally's huh? You celebrating a raise or sumpin' big time?" 2 for $4 heart attack special, baby!

9:50 Three bombs through seven outs. Drama!

9:52 Game over. Hamilton chokes. Maltliquorman wins his own dollar. I called Morneau the darkhorse earlier. I'm cool too guys! Look at me!

9:53 Big Head text: "Hamilton's final round is a bigger letdown than when I lost my virginity."

10:00 I think that's all from us now. It's time to watch the Raw main event and the celebrity softball game. All concentration should be focused towards the television right now. Hope you enjoyed our live blog. But like everyone else, we pretty much mailed it in after Hamilton's Mashion Show.

Sir wants you all to vote on what your favorite text was. Do that shit.

Good night ladies and gents.

The Live-Blog Begins!

Hey it's draft day! Hazelwood's Most Wanted and The Good Face (left) are with you to cover the 2008 Major League Baseball Draft. Believe it or not, we actually took a half day from work to talk about this crap. We're getting fat eating some food right now, and the Rays are on the clock...

12:13 Big Head sends a text saying "If the Royals don't pick Crow i'm going on a hunger strike until Trey Hillman rectifies the situation by growing his goatee back. I better stuff my face with Ramen stat."

1:01 HMW arrives at Casa de Good Face. It's on!

1:05 Don Zimmer is working the phones. Pizza Huts in Orlando are on code red today.

1:12 Another Big Head text: "Tim Murphy (P UCLA) will be the steal of the draft. I don't like when I t9 his name it comes up "Tin Murphy" Not a good omen.

1:16 Rays take Beckham. Rays fan Good Face claims to not be a Rays fan anymore! That is breaking news, folks.

1:17 Good Face says the Cards need to trade for Reid Brignac

1:19 GF clarifies: I am not allowed to be a Rays fan due to the Cards-Rays series outcome, but I wish them well. Also, Keith Law was talking about Beckham's "wrist quickness." If that's what it takes to play in the majors, sign me up! -- TGF

1:20 The first thing Tim Beckham needs to buy: a new cellphone. That's the kind of sound quality we hear on 590. -- TGF

1:21 Bud definitely appears to be reading the names off a teleprompter. Pedro to the Bucs! He'll be coming to Busch around 10 times/season. -- TGF

1:23 HMW says Jim Callis has a face for print. BertFlex: Making friends and influencing people. -- TGF

1:28 Hosmer to the Royals. Open up the checkbook KC. Also, sorry Big Head, looks like you'll be dropping some LB's soon.

1:29 Sir's analysis on Beckham via text: "I don't like the Beckham pick. too much could go wrong there. Upside is soriano, but i could see him never hitting for enough avg."

1:30 HMW's reaction to Sir's text: Let the record show that Tim Beckham will go on to be the greatest player of all time.

1:32 Seriously, people. The O's take Brian Matusz and the crowd goes ... to the bathroom. It's just so quiet in there. Couldn't they have paid some extras to cheer? How about some pre-recorded applause? Bud seems to be tired of this charade already. -- TGF

1:39 Bud says the Giants take Geraldine Posey? That's what it sounded like. Luckily they took the right Posey...it's Buster.

1:40 Sir text: "Love the Hosmer and Matusz picks, but i wish they would have gone to more interesting teams."

1:40 Let's try Busta Posey on the phone. He has no friends in the background. Maybe he's in the third row of the crowd. Or maybe we'll hear the toilet flush.

1:42 Talking to Jim Callis again. What a dork, stay on the internets Jim. Good Face says to not badmouth him in case we try to do an interview with him down the road. My instant reaction: "Fuck Jim Callis"

1:44 The catcher run is on. Kyle Skipworth to the Marleens.

1:46 Sir says: Bold prediction -- Skipworth will never, EEEEEVVEEER play a full season in Florida. -- TGF

1:47 I just changed my attribution from "GF" to "TGF." I don't want any smartasses calling me girlfriend. Also, it should be pointed out that the MLB draft does not "feature" Chris Berman. Baseball rules.

1:48 TGF bold prediction: Crow to the Reds.

1:49 Damn it. They took Yonder Alonso. I guess I could maybe go back and edit that post ... BREAKING NEWS: Peter Gammons just said Alonso is light in the loafers. Oh wait, no, light on his feet. Same thing?

1:50 HMW drops some knowledge on your stupid ass: The Alonso pick = LaPorta in '07 because the Reds already have Votto, blocking Alonso. Not five seconds later, Steve Phillips said the same thing. Creepy.

1:54 Allllbert PU-Jolz home run in front of 16 fans in Warshington. Very nice. Al and Dan were having a lover's quarrel during the at-bat.

1:55 The Bad Beckham goes to the White Sox.

1:56 When you announce these names and there are crickets, it's not a good way to get people excited about these picks. they need some heat, they need a pop - TGF, channeling his WWE mentality.

1:57 We're upset that none of these picks are actually there. Bad planning from MLB and ESPN. Plus they are broadcasting from "The Milk House." Huh?

1:58 text from Sir: "At least Votto is athletic enough to play left as well as Dunn does right now. When Alonso is ready they'll move votto to left." How dare he question my hard-hitting analysis that Steve Phillips...yes STEVE Phillips agrees with.

1:59 Aaron Crow to the Nationals!

2:00 Good Face's take on AC: "He's gonna dominate wherever he pitches. I wish they were still in RFK, but bitches are gonna be in trouble."

2:02 Keith Law with some good words to say about Crow. Peter Gammons just stumbled through an explanation of the Cape Cod League. Thanks Pete.

2:05 Astros take Jason Castro, ranked 29th according to Kevin Goldstein. Nicely done 'Stros.

2:06 Why did the Astros do that, they have Brad Ausmus!! -TGF

2:08 They show the A's draft HQ. "Looks like 100 dorks playing solitaire on their laptops" -TGF. The way the A's have drafted lately, he's probably right.

2:11 Rangers take Smoak. Dammit. That would have been nice.

2:13 Ravech interviews Alonso via satellite. His first question: What's it been like for you over the past 24 hours? My instant response: "Bangin' chicks...allllright. Giggity giggity."

2:16 The A's take Channel Four News Team farmhand Jemile Weeks. TGF changes shorts. - TGF

2:20 It is official: Next year, BertFlex will be live-blogging from the Milk House or the Butter Condo -- wherever they hold it -- to make some effing noise during the draft. - TGF

2:21 The Cards take Brett Wallace. HMW does somersaults. And then he in your face's me. You can't face the Good Face, beeyatch. Per Sir, we're going to call Brett Wallace a "3B"/1B. - TGF

2:22 Material for later debate: Uglier stupidface: Jim Callis or John Clayton? - TGF

2:23 Keith Law looooves Brett Wallace, so I guess I do too. The footage of him running was not inspiring, but as Sir points out, if you rake well enough, you don't have to run. - TGF

2:26 The Twins take Aaron Hicks, who -- for some unknown reason -- is actually in da Milk House. As far as we can tell, he's the only draftee in attendance. He gets to do the stagewalk, shake Bud's hand, picture, the works. I guess that's worth sitting around like a dumbass for 90 minutes. - TGF

2:35 Jesus H. Alou! Gordon Beckham's hair is ridiculous. It's three sizes too big for his head. He actually looks a lot like Scott Christian from "The Simpsons." - TGF

2:38 Bud stopped messing with the teleprompters. He's got the picks on paper now. He was much more confident with the Brett Lawrie pick (Brewers). - TGF

2:50 One guy in the crowd (possibly Ric Flair) keeps yelling out "wooo" in the background. It literally looks like the place is cleared out, like some fat guys should be rolling trash cans around, double checking that there aren't any half-eaten hamburgers laying around.

2:57 Ravie's second question to Brett Wallace is about his versatility and the "lower half" of his body. Are you fond of his lower half Karl? Somebody's gotta pick up the slack, with no Harold Reynolds around.

3:01 Big Head calls Brett Wallace "Prince Fielder with size" via phone call.

3:05 Ryan Perry, as seen on thedirty.com, has been selected by the Tigers. Pack up your Smirnoff Ryan, you're going to Motown.

3:10 Breaking news - the Mad Librarian was at Gordon Beckham's 10th birthday party. We're confirming our sources and will bring you more info as it develops.

3:11 Peter Gammons has amazing man-love for Russell Martin. Seriously, he's mentioned Martin's name 10 times today.

3:22 The Phillies looked like they had a cake in the middle of their draft room. Why didn't we think of that? They end up taking a kid from Salisbury High School, where he majored in making "football plays" on the "football field" and yelling at John Clayton.

3:27 Friedrich finally off the board to the Rockies. Still no HS pitchers taken.

3:28 The Librarian expands on her encounter with Gordon Beckham: His parents are friends with my parents. I don't really know how -- I don't actually know him well or anything, and I haven't seen his family since then. We were in Atlanta on vacation, spent some time with his family. His birthday party was at his parents' house. Baseball, pinata, barbecue in the backyard, cake. It's not like there were strippers and famous baseball players or anything. I was 15. Thought the entire thing was lame.

3:29 Her follow-up: Well, OK, there were strippers. I thought so...I thought so.

3:31 Daniel Schlereth (Mark's son) is taken from the University of FOOTBALL. He'll be one of the top 5 players in Major League Baseball. FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL!!

3:38 Jim Callis is giving baseball nerds a bad name. Hit the gym and wear some contacts. -TGF. It's safe to say he won't be interviewing with bertflex.com.

3:45 Interview with Mark Schlereth talking about Major League Baseball and the University of Arizona (of the National Collegiate Athletic Association) on the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network.

3:56 Somebody wake up Josh Fields. He's on national TV and just got drafted. He was cogent enough to give props to the Jesus, though. - TGF

3:58 Big Head says Gammo got wood from the Red Sox pick (Casey Kelly). Word is that Casey Kelly might be the next Russell Martin. That word comes from Gammo. - TGF

3:59 I must admit: I'm surprised that the best non-college prospect in Missouri is still available. - TGF

4:05 I hereby call shenanigans on the Mad Librarian-G-Bex story. And not just because she later texted and said that she went on a blind date with Jim Callis, who turned out to be a "v. bad kisser." - TGF

4:06 HMW has officially christened this the Bad Hair Draft.

4:12 Little-known fact, according to Wikipedia (your most trusted source for facts): Enthusiasts who stay through the end of day 2 of the NFL Draft receive VIP passes to skip the lines and get preferred seating to the following year's draft. I can't imagine that lines were much of a problem for the MLB draft. ... Picks in the comp round: Twins take Shooter! Hunt, Jake Odorizzi to the Brewers.

4:16 Had to break out the power chord (which also happens to be one of my many nicknames) because we've got more juice than this computer. - TGF

4:17 Picks are fast and furious. Brad Holt to ... the Mets, maybe? Zach Collier to the Phillies. The mic was busted for the third one. Unrelated: Do you think I could get into the Compton Academy? The Phillies are loading up on black players. Shockingly Sir doesn't say anything offensive while on the phone w/ HMW. He has lost a step in his racist remarks. -TGF

4:18 Mike Montgomery to the Royals. Tim Melville just might fall to the Cards. - TGF

4:19 Giants take Conor Gillaspie of Wichita State. The Astros take someone. Cards take Lance Lynn. Maybe Timmy's decided he's going to school? - TGF

4:23 More about Lance Lynn courtesy of Kevin Goldstein: "What he is: A massive right-hander. What he's not: Massively overpowering." Sweet. The Cards are loading up on fatties. - TGF

4:26 We've entered the phase where ESPN-ers have no effing clue who these people are. They scramble for their media guides after every pick. Kind of like us, but on TV. - TGF

4:28 The sammich picks ended with Tim Melville still on the board. The second round starts at 5:15, but you can't watch it on TV. I assume you can "watch" it on the Internets somewhere. But you'll miss out on our expert analysis. - TGF

4:40 HMW back in the saddle. Casual observation from TGF: Chris Rose is like the Ryan Seacrest of FOX sports.

4:42 I'm pretty pissed about passing up Melville. Even if he's terrible, you have to take him as the local pick. And if he flames out, oh well. But at least let him flame out on your watch. Lance Lynn was #2 on Keith Law's board after Melville, so it's not like they made a huge reach like some of the sandwich picks, but still. I was really pumped about the Wallace pick but this sucks. Horrible horrible horrible.

4:51 We just realized no one from the Jack Cust Baseball Academy was drafted!! Unreal, so much untapped potential there!

5:00 Time to wrap it up and get back to normal life. Round two starts at 5:15, and maybe Melville keeps slipping, but you have to figure he's going to UNC now unless somebody throws a huge bag of money at him.

I am glad espn devoted 4 hours to the draft, but they (and MLB) need to make improvements. I realize it's year two of televising this thing, but they should know how to put on a good production. Step one: note cards for Bud Selig. Or maybe dump Selig, one of the two.

To wrap it up, TGF says "it was a great experience and we'll be in Florida next year. I look forward to buying my Pedro Alvarez Pirates jersey. I learned a lot about myself today."

Thanks for joining us today, and even bigger thank you if you took the time out to read all this. You, and most importantly, we need a life.

LiveBlog Virgins No More

The staff of BertFlex has been waiting for an event so important that it absolutely had to be LiveBlogged. That night finally came Wednesday. The event was the (pre-recorded) Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

Nothing better than hearing what big dorks have to say about the most beautiful women in the world, so here goes.

Your participants are Tony, Justin, and Shaun--all live from Tony's place.

9:00pm The show starts, but we're not watching yet.

9:09 We're still playing NCAA Baseball on PS2. Off to a fantastic start! Oh, Tony hits a walk-off in the 9th with Freshman Shaun Kennedy. Game over. Boneless Wings win. Th-uh-uh-uh-uhhh Boneless Wings Win!

9:11 Enough of the MASH-ion Show that cyber-Shaun put on, let's watch the Fashion Show!

9:12 There is a segment about the models' personal life. Not a good sign 12 minutes into the show. The girls are talking about how they've never received lingerie as a gift. They seem confused why men never give them lingerie.

I'll look past the fact that you get it for free. The truth is that we'd love to get our wives and girlfriends lingerie for every gift, even Columbus Day. It's just been beaten into our heads that we never ever ever ever get it right.

9:14 I record this voice memo: "Tony finally mutes the TV, cuz these bitches are talkin' too much. This is kind of like FOX telling us Carlos Beltran having two dogs named Fluffy and Muffin. Nobody cares! Oh now they're back to the boobies." (Tony laughs) Justin says, "I seen it."

(keep in mind from here on, we did not have the audio on. We watched the show on mute, and listened to CD's.)

9:15 Another voice memo: Shaun says "Justin, what do you think about that?" Justin says, "I'm in love right now."

9:15 Angry, and incoherent voice memo: "SON of a (bleeping) (bleep)!! AARRRRHHH!! They just (bleeping) showed DEREK JETER. (Bleep) He's in the front row isn't he? (Bleep)

(tony finally gets me some paper to write this golden material on)

9:16 Tony just got out of the bathroom about a half hour ago, and his ass was literally on fire. He does not learn his lesson and goes back to eating pizza with lots of meat and jalapenos.

9:16 Tony points out that the models have gone to a poker-related theme (above). If it was possible to make them hotter, this did the trick.

9:17 Shaun says that Luol Deng is modeling tonight. Quite offensive moment, but of all the things said here, that's the only thing I feel comfortable typing.

9:18 Commercial break.

9:24 And we're back...finally

9:26 The long awaited line of sexy Flight Attendant costumes and lingerie is revealed. Justin is hungry for peanuts.

9:27 Another lame segment of the models NOT ON THE RUNWAY. This time we see things through the eyes of the "Angel Cam." Tony is mad that one of them throws like a girl. Nobody's perfect Tony.

Bright Idea Time: Tony suggests we need to go places and throw out free shit to people. Doesn't matter how crappy the item is, people love getting free stuff thrown to them. I added that we add a camera and videotape it for bertflex.com. Tony thinks that we should give out cheap bertflex t-shirts to girls when they make out with each other. I bring my amazing marketing skills to the table and say that the shirts should say "I made out for bertflex!" or "I whored out for bertflex!" depending on the level of lesbianism displayed.

9:32 Tony: "Wings are fuckin' dumb!"

9:32 Justin (for clarification purposes): "Unless they're covered in hot sauce and you're eating them.

9:34 The call is made to friend of the site, Thomas Richards. Live from Ohio...Thomas is NOT watching it.

9:34 In the middle of Justin/Thomas' conversation, Tony says, "You know what's sexy? Not ribs." (I thought I looked kinda sexy while eating ribs, but Tony clarified that he was talking about ribs protruding out of a woman's body. Oh...)

9:35 Thomas is not watching because he 1) forgot and 2) is watching Seinfeld season 7 on DVD with his wife. He tries to explain to the group what "wife time" is, but Justin, Tony, and I are confused.

9:36 IHOP commercial. $4.99 for the pancake surrender. I think we drooled more over the pancakes than the ridiculously hot models.

9:38 Ho hum, it's a stupid preview for the 10 o'clock news. Blah blah blah...Holy crap, there was a "Street Fight" tonight! And an "Out Of Control Raft!" We have no idea what the voice-over said, since the tv was on mute, but this could be some awesome news coming up. I point out that it's pretty likely that Leonard Little was driving the raft.

9:38 Back to the show, except Justin Timberlake is singing.

9:40 I point out that it looks like the runway is made of the grasstro-turf the Rams play on.

9:42 JT is still singing, and the models are dancing backstage. Tony thinks that they do more movements to that song than they would do in bed. There are no objections to the theory that models are "dead fish." But I'd sure like to find out for you guys just to make sure.

9:43 Tony: "If I was queer, I'd be a good backup dancer."

9:44 The models reveal their "Lord of the Rings Collection." Dorks everywhere are even more upset that they'll never get to experience an actual woman wearing these outfits.


9:45 Justin ponders the location of one model's vagina. (Anyone have a tenth grade health book?)

9:46 Tony is really pissed about wings now.

9:47 Larry Conners cannot wait to deliver this news tonight! Well, after he rubs one out.

9:48 (Justin takes over the notes while Shaun calls Josh)

9:48 Josh is not interested in the boobies. He's gay.

9:50 Tony's ass holds a press conference explaining why it hates him.

9:51 Rev. Sweet Release and his choir are in attendance.

9:53 Tony: "If a girl weighs less than 100 pounds, there is no need to wear a corset."

9:57 The models gather together at the end of the show. Tony: "How many abortions are on stage?" (Justin and Shaun are appalled and shocked and have no response)


After the show, we see that Beauty and the Geek is on MTV. We hear the quote "It's Josh's time to shine." A lot of mean and degrading comments were made towards Josh. He doesn't need to read them, he knows how we feel.

And that's it. Hoped you enjoyed it. You should attend next time; it's much funnier and offensive that way.

Peace out.

(photos courtesy of entertainment tonight and hollywoodtuna.com)