Football Day

Hey everyone, what are you doing reading this crap? It's the first Saturday of the college football season! Be sure to check out a live-blog of the Arch Rivalry game over on Mizzourah later today. It'll feature TGF and I, so you know it's good.

I probably could/should have used a pic of Chase Daniel or Jeremy Maclin, but for obvious reasons, USC cheerleaders win again. They always do.


Poll Position

Wow, what a day. First I awoke to find that one of the presidential candidates is -- get this -- not completely white. Why was this not brought to my attention earlier?

And then, just as I was getting ready to take a two-hour lunch, I learned that the Republican vice presidential candidate doesn't have any balls -- not even a John Kruk-style Lone Dangler. I immediately googled Sarah Palin -- well, not immediately. I unintentionally google image searched Erin Andrews. Force of habit. Here's what I found:

Now this is politics, people. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what we have here is a full-blown cougar who isn't afraid to go with the naughty librarian look. Granted, those shoes lack the hooker heel that I like to see, but all the other pieces of the puzzle are there. 

Hell, she even likes guns. And if she likes guns, she's gonna love the Good Face.

Important Moments in Computer History

I bought this new laptop about two weeks ago with some of the funds that our sponsors are raining upon us (cricket, cricket). A few minutes ago, I hopped on insideSTL.com and saw in the "Today's Links" section, where they post random things from the internet, the headline "(NSFW) Keeley Hazell goes for the gold."

I am intrigued by anything Keeley Hazell-related, so I clicked the link to see some topless pics of her (though I'm pretty sure she doesn't own a shirt, but who's complaining?). This time, she's celebrating her post-Olympic spirit by being covered head to toe in gold. I'm not a fan of this method of body-painting, so in my opinion, the two pics are kind of creepy. Look at her face and hair. Gross.

But for good measure, I glanced at the handful of other topless pics; all of which can be seen here.

After nodding my head in approval, I realized this was the first porn of any kind to be viewed on the new laptop. What a special moment. And who better than Keeley to be #1?


Table for 5

Note: This post is part of a larger project curated by the United Cardinal Bloggers network. We thank Cardinal 70 for the invite.

I don't think it's any secret that, as a semi-regular poster on BertFlex, I get my share of dinner invites from the world's large and in charge. HMW? Yeah, I've broken pizza with him. Sir? Yep, I've witnessed the devastation.

But what if the tables were turned and I got to invite four figures of Cardinals lore to dinner at a fine local establishment like Shannon's (no need to reimburse me for the free pub, Mike)? Who would make that most exclusive of guest lists?

1. Albert Pujols. You're familiar with this blog, right? He's kind of the axis on which this whole thing spins.
2. Branch Rickey. The Mahatma has to be there. Without him, there would be no farm systems. And without farm systems, where would Petey Kozma be? Sucking it up for some beer-league softball team instead of High-A Palm Beach, that's where.
3. Jack Buck. Nothing cute here. I miss his voice and would love the opportunity to hear it one more time.
4. Bob Uecker. With all those luminaries, I need someone there who can make me feel better about myself. ... Wait a sec, I'm talking about the guy who played Harry Doyle in Major League. I can't compete with that.

Of course, you have to have some backup plans in case any of the above are otherwise occupied. Making that list: Stan Musial (I'm earning a larger piece of real estate in Hell by leaving him out of my top four, I know), Ozzie Smith, Jose Oquendo, Mark McGwire (yes, Mac, some of us still like you -- especially those of us on the juice), and Bob Gibson.

Unfortunately, dining with any of the above (hell, even Jose DeLeon) seems unlikely. I guess I'll just have to settle for that one storied day when I ran into Anthony Reyes and Brad Thompson at Chipotle.

Dick Belding, You Sly Dog

For those of you not hip to the club scene in the STL, one Mr. Dennis Haskins will be hosting a "Back 2 School" party at Home Nightclub, which is inside Ameristar.

Nope, no misprint to see here. Dennis Haskins, as in Mr. Belding. See for yourself:

If you haven't been paying attention over the past year or two, Mr. Belding has become quite the dirty old man. He's all over the party scene, and if you do a google image search of "Mr. Belding Party", you'd be amazed at the results.

Yes, cheers.

And all along we thought Screech was the creepy one.

If you haven't dropped everything you're doing right now to check your calendar, do it! Friday September 12th, we'll be at Home Nightclub. You better be there too.

Bad Day to Be a Douchebag

In addition to the Kevin Slaten article discussed below, Jay Mariotti got his ass handed to him in today's Chicago Sun-Times, his place of employment for 17 years. Mariotti quit/resigned/whatever Tuesday night (don't worry, he'll still be making Around the Horn even more painful to watch). His colleagues at the paper appear to be coping with the loss very well.

Sun Times editor Michael Cooke said it best.
'We wish Jay well and will miss him -- not personally, of course -- but in the sense of noticing he is no longer here, at least for a few days,'' Cooke said.

In the words of Mariotti's fellow annoying Chicago media personality Ken "the Hawk" Harrelson: He gawn!!

Kevin Slaten, Again

Here at B-Flex, we've really beaten the Kevin Slaten horse to death. The saga has been fun to pay attention to, as we hope this is the end of the Slaten era in St. Louis media. Unfortunately the chances of that are about 0%, since the market has a lot of men 45-59 years old with mustaches and jorts who hang onto every word he says.

An excellent article hit the RFT's website on Wednesday regarding all things Slaten: history, career, personal life, family life, legal troubles, etc. It is recommended reading if you have 10-15 minutes and are in the right mood. If you're having a good day, I'd say don't waste your time. If you're a little pissy today, check it out.

Quick analysis: the piece starts out with comments from current-day Slaten, promising/threatening to dig up dirt on the writer if she writes about his negative past. Believe it or not, Kevin comes off as a complete jackass. But, as the saying goes, bad publicity is good publicity.

And articles like this don't help the cause of getting Slaten run out of town. This is exactly what "the kingdom" wants: people to talk about him, good or bad.

RFT dives deeper and deeper into Slaten's history, even putting him in a positive light at some points. No telling if the writer meant to do this, or tried as much as possible to stay on the king's good side.

Once again, it is a well-written article. It's just too bad the focus is on an assclown like Kevin Slaten.

We here at Bert Flex stand by our statements made previously about Kevin Slaten: he is a douchebag. He is a jerk. And he sucks at life. He makes money for the radio stations that he works for, and that's fine for them...but he sucks at radio too. If Kevin would like to dig up dirt about us, our families, and/or our significant others, he is more than welcome to.

One thing he ought to keep in mind about us, and the RFT writer: nobody fucking cares who we are. Kristen Hinman wrote the article. You're really going to go after her? I don't even remember her name, and I just wrote it two sentences ago.

Let's play along and say that Slaten is back on the air in early October. Is he going to use his first show bashing Kristen Hinman? I can hear it now -

"Kristen Hinman, you're a liar! You're wrong! I hired a private investigator, recommended by my personal superlawyer, Chet Pleban, and found out that you dated a guy six years ago who smoked doobies in his basement. Doobies!! You're wrong! Carpe Diem!"

Oh yeah, her career is totally ruined now.

For the first time ever, I should have listened to Steve Savard: post the link and say "I don't want to waste my time." Classic.

Thursday update: Slaten leaves a voicemail to the RFT. Link here.


There's No Such Thing as "LudFlex"

I understand that Dan and Al have to talk about something for three hours every night (God forbid they talk about the actual game), but any time they get into an MVP discussion, the following words invariably arise: "You know, people talk about Albert Pujols, but a sleeper pick might be Ryan Ludwick."

Maybe. And maybe if you were trying to determine the best Seattle band of the Nineties, someone might tab Candlebox as being "overlooked." There's a reason 99.5% of people would overlook Candlebox in favor of Nirvana. That reason is as follows: Nirvana was better.

Dan and Al* never get past the superficial counting stats when they run down Ludwick's case, but let's do a little comparison. Stats are as of August 27.

Pujols: .356/.466/.634
Ludwick: .304/.380/.600

Pujols: 27
Ludwick: 21

Pujols: 78
Ludwick: 47.7

This doesn't even take defense into account (OK, Win Shares does a little) -- mainly because I'm too lazy to play the apples-to-oranges game with a Gold Glove-worthy 1B and a competent right fielder.

But I understand that raw stats aren't enough for some people. So let's put this information to use in a real-life situation. Let's say you're being attacked -- by a chainsaw-wielding, Communist grizzly bear. Now who would you want on your side: a solid player setting career highs in homers and ribs, or an effing stud with a metric buttload of OPS?

Don't mistake me: I'm not trying to take anything away from Ludwick's season. He's been awesome, ranking in the top 20 in both VORP and Win Shares. But if we're talking seriously about MVP candidates, we can't just ignore Albert because he's too "obvious."

Sometimes, the right answer is just that easy to find.

*Dan and Al aren't the only ones to prosecute this argument, but they do so most visibly. I still hope to go to Massage Luxe with Al someday, though.

Can Someone Explain This?

I submit this as the most non-sensical picture ever taken. I've looked at it for hours and can not even find the words to explain it. If you have any awesome insight in to what it means, post in the comments.
My best guess is that it's a political commentary on how corporations are making an intentionally futile attempt at environmentalism in order to impress consumers, but maybe that just shows how much time I've wasted in trying to figure out this picture.


Maull's Secret Sauce?

Many of my proteges and interns often ask, "HM-Dubz, how do you know what's Bertflex material, and what's not?" I often reply: "Go get me some Wendy's."

But to answer their question on this public forum, you just know that something should be posted to Bertflex. Whether it's a simple observation, or an analytical article about Tony LaRussa's crazy managin' ideas, sometimes you just know.

I ran into the Schnucks on Ladue earlier today, and found the most expensive, delicious thing ever. Ever.

Gold Barbecue Sauce. At least that's what the sign said:

I doubt that I can afford gold bbq sauce, but I'd whore myself out to do commercials for them, all night son.

"Delicious Gold Barbecue Sauce goes down smooth. Mmm; in stores now."


Erik Hashrake Demoted to Corporate Softball League

In a long-overdue move, the St. Louis Unions demoted aging outfielder Erik Hashrake on Friday, moving him to a corporate softball league where his shenanigans and tomfoolery won't ruin the sanctity of America's pastime.

"Don't tell Hashrake I said so, but this was an easy call," the Union's skipper, Scoops, said. "That fool is an embarrassment to himself, the club, and the game. I mean, fine, he's still producing offensively. But have you seen him in the outfield? It's positively Duncanesque. And I'm pretty sure he tweaked a knee a while back, but he won't admit that he's injured and go on the DL to rehab."

Hashrake has repeatedly denied that he's playing injured. However, players in the vintage league are often reluctant to allow medical exams. As part of league rules, the training staff uses 1860s medicine. Instead of an MRI, Hashrake would face exploratory surgery performed by an unlicensed surgeon, with whiskey as his only anesthesia.

However, this surgery might have saved Hashrake's vintage career. He faces some challenges in the move to a corporate softball league, where he'll likely play with a ragtag collection of the untalented and uncoordinated trying to live out their childhood dreams of baseball stardom.

Some friends and teammates suspect Hashrake will thrive in this new role. "We needed to let him go, but we want to let him down easy," said Mayhem, a long-time Unions player. "Under that tough exterior, he's a sensitive guy. And in this crappy work softball league, he'll be a total rock star. Sure, he's a total doucher. But the boy can mash."

Hashrake's first game with the softball league is Monday night.

Neither Hashrake nor his agent returned calls requesting comment for this story.

Reporting Live from Bertflex Headquarters: Day 1

So here I am kids - hanging out in the new corporate office. It's really nice, and should be a little more comfortable when we get some furniture here (right now I'm laying on the living room carpet with my laptop - good times). While Sir is back in Chi-town over the weekend, I'm holding it down on day 1. Well, actually we're treating this like the World Series of Poker. Thursday would have been day 1, but with the rain, we didn't get much done. So that was like day 1a. Today is day 1b. Sir will be here tomorrow for day 1c. We'll bump the blinds and antes up and begin day 2 on Monday. Huh? I'm confusing myself already.

I'll keep you posted on any breaking news throughout the day. And a quick shout-out to the one guy/girl here who kept an unsecured network, allowing me to post this. Thanks mang.

Update 7:15 pm: Maltliquorman and Melissa are heading over in a little while for a BYO-chair party. Also, here's your first photo of the new place. What did you expect me to be doing? Hanging artwork?

Update 9:13: playing Wii. Wii is awesome. Having a big ass place without Sir is awesome too. Between you and me, I might change the locks on him by the time he gets back.

Tony LaGenius and His Wacky Lineup Chicanery

Let's get something straight: I disagree with Tony LaRussa (pictured at left -- in the bunny outfit) a large percentage of the time. His hair is stupid. He likes Styx in a non-ironic way. And perhaps worst of all, he has taken and passed the bar exam.

Aside from championing the use of LOOGYs, ROOGYs, and the modern closer paradigm, though, TLR might go down in history as the guy who was crazy enough to bat the pitcher eighth.* I definitely have a way I think lineups should be organized (in my perfect world, Albert would bat leadoff), but I don't get worked up about the eighth and ninth spots in the lineup. Over the course of the season, moving a guy up or down one spot equals roughly 20 additional or fewer at-bats. When you're talking about the dregs of the lineup, big whoops.

But the goal of batting the pitcher is not to get him more at-bats (even though, in theory, it does -- before he's replaced for a pinch-hitter at least). Rather, the goal is to put Albert in a position to bat with runners on more often. But has this actually happened?

During the Cardinals' thrashing of the Braves on Friday night, I had some time to do some quick calculations. I asked a very simple question -- how often does Albert come up with runners on now, and how often did it happen in seasons past? 

Keep in mind that the Cards started batting the pitcher eighth sometime during the second half of '07 and have done so pretty much all season in '08. Albert primarily (like, 99.5% of the time) batted in the three hole during the seasons in question. I estimated his plate appearances based on ABs, BBs, and HBPs. I was too lazy to go look up his sac splits. The results:

2008: 241 PAs with runners on/498 PAs = 48%
2007: 317/671 = 47%
2006: 298/631 = 47%
2005: 332/697 = 48%

So, uh, yeah. Maybe I'm not asking the right question, but I can't see a whole lot of difference, can you? The bottom line, as far as I can tell, is that batting the pitcher eighth isn't that big a deal one way or the other with regard to Albert's mashing opportunities.

And maybe Tony knows this, but does it anyway just to annoy Cardinals fans, writers, bloggers, et al. I could almost respect that.

*He also might go down as the second-winningest manager of all time, but that's neither here nor there.


Who's House? Bert's House

I have yet to be invited to BertFlex Headquarters (unlike one skank I know), but I hope this is what goes on there:

Recommended Reading: Ball Four

Not every book worth reading is leather-bound. Case in point – Jim Bouton’s Ball Four, the book that kickstarted the professional athlete tell-all genre. Frankly, if you’ve ever enjoyed a chuckle at the sight of Chris Duncan humping a Harry Potter book, you owe Ball Four a large debt of gratitude. Bouton’s account of his season with the 1969 Seattle Pilots lifted the veil of secrecy that had previously protected ballplayers’ off-field exploits (I’m looking at you, Babe Ruth and countless bordellos) from public exposure.

Ball Four has been on my to-read list for awhile – any list of baseball books ranks it near the top, and one of the blurbs on the back of my copy compares Bouton’s autobiographical rantings to J.D. Salinger’s Holden Caulfield. That’s ten points right there.

I had planned to hold off on touting the book until I finished it, but yesterday I came upon a list of baseball terminology that simply can’t wait. Loyal readers will remember the Mad Librarian’s previous post regarding baseball’s dirty words. Bouton provides some others:

Down the cock: A pitch that’s right down the middle. God forbid that you throw one down the cock when the batter is standing fully erect in the box.

Hose: A good arm (this is still fairly common, but we missed it before)

Moss: Hair

So if a guy had hairy arms, he would have a “mossy hose.” Gross.

And then there’s beaver shooting, which is mentioned frequently throughout the book. What does it mean? You’ll have to read Ball Four to find out.

That’s called a tease, son.

P.S. It is highly recommended that you google “urban dictionary babe ruth.”


Bernie Miklasz: Hearing Footsteps/Feeling the Heat/Smelling What the Flex Is Cooking

I accidentally clicked on a Bernie Miklasz post just now. Even more unusual, I read more than one sentence. I'm glad I did:

[H]ere’s a quick take for now.

(In fact, get used to some shorter blogs from me from now on. I will try to avoid wasting too much of your time. … it’s just getting too thick in the blogosphere.)
I'll sidestep the obvious jokes about Bernie and "getting thick" (although it's proving exceedingly hard -- ha -- not to make a joke about the phrase "getting thick" itself).  The more important takeaway here is that Bernie knows that there is stiff competition for your time. And although  he doesn't mention us by name, it's pretty clear that he recognizes BertFlex as the harbingers of a New World Order (and not NWO Hollywood, either -- we're not going to welcome Vincent aboard anytime soon).

It's a sad day when anyone realizes that their moment in the sun has passed -- but it's even sadder when they have to be forcibly removed. We appreciate Bernie's grasp of reality. Rest assured, readers: Unlike Bernie, the Flex has no desire to make anything shorter. 

In fact, we're only going to get thicker.

The Women's Guide to Halting Conversations With HMW

Chapter 1

Yesterday I was at the bank getting a cashiers' check for the first payment on the new BFHQ. The teller who was waiting on me was an attractive young lady. As stated in the ML's Men of Bertflex Survey, the top personality trait I look for in a woman is a nice ass. So with her back turned, I was able to stare at her tight pants for a few minutes.

Right now, all the women reading this are probably rolling their eyes, but just wait, there is some useful information coming up.

After a delay in the computer system, she strikes up a short conversation with me. I was being my normal charming self, and was about to flip on the internal funny/flirty switch to see what happens.

She had been holding the paper I handed her, which had the apartment company's name and amount on it, and asked me where that was located (mmm hmm, now we're getting somewhere). I said the intersection, and before I could follow up with anything funny or flirty, she replied "Oh yeah, my boyfriend lives out that way."

Perfect. So ladies, just between you and me, here is some inside information. Let's John Madden this thing:

I quit listening to this girl at "oh yeah, my boyfriend." CIRCLE CIRCLE, and BOOM!

She probably kept talking, but I guess we'll never know. If you're ever worried about guys potentially hitting on you, or if you just want to be left alone, this is how it's done. Works really well in non-drunk settings (i.e. the bank).

PS. - bank...rhymes with skank.


Honorary Flexer: The Fat Toad

There's no true "quality" that an Honorary Flexer needs to possess, but the things we generally look out for is 1) cockiness and arrogance, 2) willingness to start fights at any given moment, and 3) an addiction to fatty foods and/or alcohol.

Let's talk about Hideki Irabu. He had a fun Wednesday night back home in Japan. I'll just copy and paste the article from mlb.com, so sit back and enjoy this tale:

TOKYO -- Former New York Yankees pitcher Hideki Irabu was arrested Wednesday for allegedly assaulting a bartender after drinking 20 mugs of beer, a police official said.

Irabu, 39, became angered after his credit card was rejected. He then allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair, and smashed at least nine liquor bottles at a bar in Osaka, western Japan, a police official said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

So he downs 20 mugs of beer (#3 - check). His credit card is rejected and he is apparently insulted (#1). Then he roughs up the barkeep (#2) because it was obviously his fault for screwing everything up. Once again: 20 mugs of beer.

For a quick history lesson on Irabu, he's pretty much famous for being called a "fat pussy toad" by George Steinbrenner (I thought Big Stein called him a "fat Jap" too, but there is conflicting evidence on the internet. Our own Sir has called him, and countless other Asian people "Japs," but I don't think I'd get the two quotable gentlemen mixed up). I also remember Irabu's name being butchered by Harry Caray during his rookie year of '97.

Nerds like me would add that he's famous for being a part of the groundbreaking 1997 Bowman set, as a young HMW was shocked to see a hefty price tag ($15, maybe more?) on his card one day at the baseball card shop.

But back to the moral of the story. If you want to become an honorary flexer, knock out - literally knock out - the three traits listed above and you'll quickly catch our attention.

The unfortunate part of this story is that it gives Sir an idea the next time a waitress calls him "Sir." Hair pulling...slamming her against the wall...smashing beer bottles...

(And I hope I'm there to see it)

Pack Your Things Kid (Linx/Stuff/Junk)

It's been kind of a busy week during my last few days at the BertFlex Hazelwood Office, as Sir and I prepare to load up all of our important documents, video game systems, and Starting Lineups and move them over to the new place. Hopefully the move to Maryland Heights won't cause my name to change to MHMW, as I'll still maintain my North Side roots, just from a less gangsta location.

While Sir's main duty (pun intended) is to supply furniture - so the place looks like adults live there - my job is electronics. A big screen tv + surround sound + laptop + wireless router = a good start. Towels? Soap? Uh, you might have to bring your own. Or don't make a fuckin' mess. Dummy.

Also a quick "welcome back" to Sir, after a year long journey away from Pujols City, MO. Maybe being under one roof, I can motivate his ass to write more.

On to this week's links:

-In a heroic attempt, I churned out this horrible insideSTL column. I researched one thing: that Braden Looper was starting Tuesday night's game. The rest was just typical freestyle, straight-out-tha-hood blogging that put me on the map.

-While I was talking about fantasy football there, TGF drops some fantasy baseball K-nollege on you over at the Sporting News. It's not too late to make that late-season push, unless you're looking up and seeing me at the top of your standings.

-Mizzourah is busier by the day; the fans are gearing up for the opener vs. the ILL-side, Big Head is doing podcasts left and right, and some idiot is still making fun of kansas douchebags. Waste some time over there.

-Old Honors first floor alum Lottie is still over in China, supposedly working. Or being caught on the Today Show...one of the two. That's pretty cool - she's the one in the Cardinal shirt right behind Michael Phelps' big ass head in this video, and behind Dara Torres in the video below (good shot of her peeking around Torres' head right after the 50 second mark). Try to ignore the two assfaces with the Oklahoma and Tennessee banners in the background. Lottie's blog is rapidly becoming more interesting than our site, so maybe she'll be bumped to a higher Linx/Stuff/Junk ranking next week.

-One last thing, some pics from the Unions and Perfectos game have been added to the photobucket account. You can see Hack and TGF sharing a laugh, an Erik Hashrake 35 second interview (that luckily cut him off mid-sentence), and more importantly, a glimpse at the big balla lifestlye that Hack lives. Two fingers - peace.


Honorary Flexer: Usain Bolt

In between staring at the tail on display in Beijing, I caught the 100-meter dash finals. You may have heard about Usain Bolt absolutely wreckin' the face off the rest of the field. But he didn't just dominate -- he beat his chest and pulled some Hogan-esque poses. I am confident that, had he been given a bat, he'd have flipped that bitch.
For turning the Beijing games into a bona fide O-pimp-iad, Usain Bolt joins the ranks of honorary Flexers.

The Maine Event

As much as I enjoy the hard-hitting bacon analysis and sexual harassment that are part of the Flex lifestyle, sometimes a girl needs a break. So I took last week off to lie about a lake house in Maine with my college roommate and an assortment of fun-and-bloody-Mary-loving New Englanders.

Like the lazy bastard I am, I spent the bulk of the week asleep, including an unfortunate nap on a pontoon boat that resulted in a gross sunburn. When I bothered to wake up, I ate excessive amounts of tortilla chips, read a trashy novel, bitched at the Jeter-loving kids playing the Little League World Series, and shopped at the L.L. Bean store (yes, I'm old, but my new fleece is ravishing). And now I'm back, relaxed, refreshed, and ready to kick Hack's ass in poker again.

Here are some highlights from my week away.

New England's gangster dairy:

Racism in Freeport:

Bacon and ground beef brick-oven pizza in Portsmouth, N.H.:

Fuck graham crackers; I make s'mores with chocolate chip cookies:

And this makes me uncomfortable:


80's Night at FSN

I promised myself I'd quit taking pics of the Cardinals post-game show; really - I truly did not want to waste another post about Pat Parris' orange glow or make fun of Jack Clark for putting on 4 or 5 pounds (per minute) after retirement.

After Sunday's loss to the Reds, FSN Midwest ran their usual post-game show. And without warning, we were treated to this:

For whatever reason, it was Eighties Night...at 3:15 in the afternoon.

Going into the first commercial break, Pat Parris showed off his crooning abilities by singing a remix (?) of "Ladies Night":

"Oh this is Eighties Night, and the feeling's right - Come on Ricky! - Oh this is Eighties Night, oh what a night!"

He seriously sang that. On the air. Today. For real.

Ricky said that he was wearing his actual rookie jersey, so that's why it was so tight (and displaying his anit-Hochuli gun show). I'm not sure if that was true or if he was kidding. Nonetheless, wearing that was uncalled for.

As for Jack Clark, the astute baseball fans out there would point out that Clark actually never wore the powder blue jersey, as he only played from '85 thru '87, after the prestigious powder blue era in Cardinal history. Smartly enough, they mentioned that during the show.

And smartly enough, I changed the channel.

One other tidbit from Sunday's game: Tony LaRussa never lets a pesky "God Bless America" get in the way of arguing with the home plate ump.

Serious Journalism Alert-Kevin Slaten May Have Violated Attorney Rules

Anyone want to file a Bar Complaint on Kevin Slaten? We all know of Slaten's ability to make an ass of himself. Sadly this man went to law school and passed the same bar exam I did. He isn't really a credit to the profession, and his recent comments could land him in hot water with the Supreme Court of Missouri.

On Friday, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch ran a story on Kevin Slaten’s reaction to a St. Louis County Circuit Judge’s ruling on the enforceability of the non-compete clause in Slaten’s contract with KFNS. The full story is here. Here are three quotes attributed to Slaten which could land him in trouble with the Supreme Court of Missouri:

"Based on a ruling like this, according to this court, we live in Baghdad,''

"In the United States of America, you can be prevented from earning a living because some judge says so,'' Slaten said.”I think that's a disgrace, a total disgrace. In Baghdad you can be prevented from making a living. In Moscow you can be prevented from making a living — and in St. Louis you can be prevented from making a living. That's what these three cities have in common. This judge would serve well in Moscow, he'd be perfect in Baghdad.''

"This judge needs to recuse himself from any other proceedings in this case,'' Slaten said. "He obviously has a dislike for me. None of what he wrote is supported by any of the testimony. I defy him to show me the testimony that supports what he concluded. ... The testimony is 100 percent to the opposite.''

While none of this seems to be too out-of-line for Slaten, one must remember, that sadly Slaten is an attorney himself, Missouri Bar number 36656, and as an active member of the Missouri Bar, subject to the rules of the Supreme Court of Missouri. As such, Slaten’s comments may land him in hot water with the Missouri Bar’s Office of Chief Disciplinary Counsel. It appears from the context of the article that Slaten was trying to couch his comments in terms of being a litigant than being an attorney. However, this attempted bit of cleverness may not be enough for Slaten to escape trouble. An attorney is an attorney always, no matter what time of day it is, or what day of the week it is. Whether Slaten was acting as an attorney or as a client doesn’t matter, as he is always subject to the authority of the Supreme Court of Missouri.

You may be asking yourself “what did he do wrong?” Well, for starters, Slaten’s comments, if he actually said them, appear to be a violation of Missouri Supreme Court Rule 4-4.84: Misconduct. That rule, among other things, states:

It is professional misconduct for a lawyer to:(a) violate or attempt to violate the Rules of Professional Conduct, knowingly assist or induce another to do so, or do so through the acts of another;(b) commit a criminal act that reflects adversely on the lawyer's honesty, trustworthiness, or fitness as a lawyer in other respects;(c) engage in conduct involving dishonesty, fraud, deceit, or misrepresentation;(d) engage in conduct that is prejudicial to the administration of justice;(e) state or imply an ability to influence improperly a government agency or official or to achieve results by means that violate the Rules of Professional Conduct or other law; (f) knowingly assist a judge or judicial officer in conduct that is a violation of applicable rules of judicial conduct or other law; or(g) manifest by words or conduct, in representing a client, bias or prejudice based upon race, sex, religion, national origin, disability, age, or sexual orientation. This Rule 4-8.4(g) does not preclude legitimate advocacy when race, sex, religion, national origin, disability, age, sexual orientation, or other similar factors, are issues.

In addition, in Rule 4-3.5, states:

A lawyer shall not:(a) seek to influence a judge, juror, prospective juror, or other official by means prohibited by law;(b) communicate ex parte with such a person during the proceeding unless authorized to do so by law or court order;(c) communicate with a juror or prospective juror after discharge of the jury if:(1) the communication is prohibited by law or court order;
(2) the juror has made known to the lawyer a desire not to communicate; or
(3) the communication involves misrepresentation, coercion, duress, or harassment; or(d) engage in conduct intended to disrupt a tribunal.

Comment 4 to this rule sums up Slaten’s possible misconduct:

[4] The advocate's function is to present evidence and argument so that the cause may be decided according to law. Refraining from abusive or obstreperous conduct is a corollary of the advocate's right to speak on behalf of litigants. A lawyer may stand firm against abuse by a judge but should avoid reciprocation; the judge's default is no justification for similar dereliction by an advocate. An advocate can present the cause, protect the record for subsequent review, and preserve professional integrity by patient firmness no less effectively than by belligerence or theatrics.

So what does one do, knowing that Slaten may have violated his professional obligations as an attorney? Anyone can file a confidential complaint against Slaten through the Missouri Office of Chief Disciplinary Counsel, here. As an attorney, I may be obligated to file a complaint, because I know of his misconduct. Of course, if any Bertflex.com reader wants to file their own complaint, and needs help, let me know.

What will happen if Slaten is reported? He would probably get reprimanded. Some of our readers may remember former St. Louis County Prosecuting Attorney Buzz Westfall ran into similar hot water when he called the Missouri Court of Appeals “dishonest.”


Black 'n Gold Linx/Stuff/Junk

Big Head is out of town this weekend, so I'm doing my part to pick up the slack over on Mizzourah. Here are a couple linx:

-Aaron Crow did not sign with Warshington! That was dumb, but this is the Expos franchise we're talking aboot.

-This week's k.u.chebag photo was sent in by a Mizzourah reader. Pretty cool. So that's what it's like to have people read your blog? Interesting...

-If you miss Big Head's sexy voice, check him out on the August 13th podcast here. BH steps in at the 3 minute mark.


10 G's

Today we are celebrating our 10,000th official hit on bertflex.com.

We'd like to pretend that it's just another day in BertFlex-land, but we truly are flattered that you take a break from redtube and youporn time out of your day to read our little website. Thank you for that, and we appreciate your support. Well, support via clicks...since you jerks don't give us money.

To celebrate the only way possible, here is a chick in a bacon bra. I think that sums up what we do here pretty well.

I suppose it would be better if she was on fire and hitting Mick Foley in the head with a chair, but this is the best I could do.

Once again, thanks for your support, be sure to tell your friends about us, and have a great weekend.

As an added bonus, while scanning youtube earlier, I remembered this MadTV video that has never been posted here. Check it out:

Be sure to play the 1:30 mark about 300 times in a row. This dude just UN-LOADS on the ball. Beyond awesome.

Need Financial Advice? We Got Your Back

Over the past couple weeks, I've accumulated some post ideas, and just haven't had a chance to put them up. Coincidentally they are all financially-related, so I'm just lumping them into one big post.

The first one is from a couple weeks ago and is quick and simple. Did John Hadley write that headline?

The second thing is something I only heard about a month or so ago, but evidently Lenny Dykstra is a big time investment expert. You can even get Lenny's stock tips at thestreet.com (too bad you have to pay for them...something tells me you're not going to do that).

But really? Lenny Dykstra is one of the trusted voices in the stock market game? Okay, I'll play along. I mean, look at that cool picture of him! He's on two effing phones at the same time! He must be fo' real!

So how much is it to subscribe to "Nails on the Numbers"?

If you subscribe, you pay the special price of $899.95 the first year of your annual subscription — a savings of $100 off the regular annual subscription price of $999.95 — unless you call to cancel within the first 30 days of your subscription. Unless you call to cancel before the end of that first year, your subscription will automatically renew at the then-current subscription price.

Hmm, I'll get back to you on that one.

And last but not least - Dan Walters.

Some of you may know who Dan Walters is. He is a Washington DC reporter, who goes on infomercials, reports on the mortgage crisis, and tells you what you need to do to get through it. It's funny, because he kinda sorta looks like Dan McLaughlin, Cardinals broadcaster and shiller for countless tv spots on the STL airwaves (Autotire, Hotshots, Helitech, one of the banks, etc...I'm sure I missed a few).

Thanks to our mangs at CardinalsDiaspora.com for this pic:

In fact, you ought to read CD's entire summary of the video. It was actually posted back in October '07, while we were on our hiatus (one of the many, many things I wish I would have written about during that time).

Over the past few weeks, I found out that some of you had never seen the video, so I figured I might as well pass it on. Unfortunately lendamerica.com has changed the video within that span (two weeks? if that?) - what a bunch of bastards!

Athooks did a fine job on this one, but I'll add my two cents: What a whore. Are the Cardinals paying that badly? I doubt it. Did Danny Mac owe a favor to this company (based out of NY, and the ads ran on the east coast)? Not many people bother to interview McLaughlin, so we'll probably never know. I'm not sure there is a reasonable explanation anyway.

The bright side is that in Dan Walters' place, Lend America used this guy:

He looks like one of the heartthrobs that could be a future Mr. Mad Librarian. No, he doesn't look shady at all.


Reggie's Moving In Too!

As you may have read over the weekend, Sir and I will be moving into the new BertFlex Corporate Office in a little under 10 days. We're pretty pumped about it and hope you are able to stop by for our little shindigs (whenever you are lucky enough to be invited).

While going through some of the junk in my basement, I stumbled across something that will definitely be the centerpiece of our entire office: an
Upper Deck Reggie Jackson Promotional Cut-Out.

I'm sure everyone's playing an exciting game of "Why the F do you Have That?" right now. So I'll address that first: because it's Reggie Fucking Jackson.

Okay, maybe I'll expand a little more - I actually forgot that I own this. It is promoting the '93 Upper Deck set, and I'm sure I got this right around that time. No idea how I acquired it, but being a big Reggie fan (even at 11 years old), I'm sure I beat someone's ass with some moves I learned from the Ninja Turtles.

But it's Reggie Jackson. And we'll find a nice home for it at BFHQ.

Looking at it from a distance, it's actually pretty creepy, so I'm sure there will be pranks pulled on Sir from time to time, just to make his heart skip a beat or two.

We are also in negotiations with the ML over her Brian Jordan McRib promotional poster. I'm not sure if she'll accept our $1 Billion offer to buy it outright, or if it will be a temporary donation to BFHQ. Either way, we want that shit.

So hey, if you have any promotional things featuring black athletes, let us know!



Truthfacts of Yesterfar

(Third in an occasional series.)

In case of emergency, hos before bros.
Richard Nixon: Not a crook.
Pluto is the ninth planet in our solar system.
Tropical fevers are best treated with leeches.
Heath Ledger is the next Sean Connery. (Too soon?)

The Mad Librarian: Your Most Trusted Source for Truthfacts of Yesterfar.

No Press Box For Me (Linx/Stuff/Junk)

Hey lookie there, I made the top of the InsideSTL page for the second time in two weeks. Does this mean I actually earned my money this time? Eh, probably not. Hopefully Matty Leach isn't offended. I kind of went off on a tangent towards the end, sort of bashing the need for his industry. Would he feel better if I said the entire point of the column was to take a shot at Graham Bensinger again?

-Here is this week's article. It actually sounds like I put some thought and effort into that one. I'm sort of impressed by my own doing. Also, some dude posted a gigantic comment on there that didn't make much sense; sweet.

-No matter what I do, it can't match the top notch professionalism of our own Good Face. In his SN column this week, he discusses his little road trip to The K, as well as Wichita, KS, for some Vintage Base Ball action. As a reminder - see you kids Saturday for the Unions/Perfectos showdown on the north side.

-Mizzourah is stepping up their game to a whole 'notha level: podcasts. Check out the first installment, posted this past Saturday. As of today, we're 17 days away from the big season opener vs. Illinois. TGF and I still plan on live-blogging that shit, and we should be live from the new BertFlex World Headquarters.

-Lots of big updates from (female) friend of the site, Lottie, who is reporting live from China. She's working some kind of event over there; I think it's called the Michael Phelps Asskicking Invitational? Something like that. According to another female friend of the site, Melissa (what's with all these hot women - they love us), all the Chinamen had never seen a white blonde girl before, and requested their picture with Lottie. Kind of funny, mostly weird. But a great excuse to get a pic taken with a lovely lady, which they've probably used a hundred times before. Sly dogs...

-It's been another slow week of our blog links, so here's what we were up to two years ago: Our Best Fantasy Blunders, which was the article that put us on the map. Well, I can't take all the credit - it was a collective effort of stupidity, summarized by me, and linked to Deadspin. Look how far we've come (though I'm not sure who these "Tony" and "Shaun" and "Justin" characters are).


Any questions, comments, concerns, or Who's Shitty Q's: haymang@yahoo.com. Also hit us up on MySpace (www.myspace.com/bertflex) or FaceBook.


Cubs Fans Are Douchebags

As you can see in the video, some Cubs fans are absolute fucks. Cause it takes a college kid covered in blue paint to dump a cooler of water on a hot chick that isn't paying attention (and actually has a job). If he wants to see a hot wet T-shirt contest, where you're actually seeing nips, hit a bar.

Would he have done this if it was Dibble instead?

The Internet: Worst Idea Ever

Maybe giving everyone free reign to do what they want on the internet isn't such a good thing after all. Somehow this video has slipped through the cracks for a month or so and is finally coming across our desk. This is so good, it's worth the 6.5 minutes of your time.

There are many levels of greatness in this video. The way this guy butchers Bernie Miklasz' name is beautiful. Then, there's a random person eating Domino's in the background. Oh, and don't worry about that ironing board, it's fine right there.

Behold (sticking out my chest) The Best Fans in Baseball:

Really? This is what the internet has become?

Hey wait, wasn't Sir there that night when Edmonds was cheered? Sir, I have forwarded your information to this guy and I'm sure you'll be dealt wif shortly.

The bright side is that The Morning After covered this on Tuesday morning, and they had this kid on the air. He's 22, married (for two years), and hates Barack Obama. Unrelated note: he lives in Kentucky. You figure it out.

If you'd like to listen to the riveting interview (after which he listened to the post-interview discussion making fun of him, and emailed the show with a simple: "Assholes"), click here. If you're going to waste more time today, you might as well do it on this. At least you'll feel better about yourself and the college education you received.

Douchebag Report: Kevin Slaten Edition

It seems that Kevin Slaten is barred from appearing on St. Louis radio in a sports role until October 6, 2008. According to this article from the St. Louis Post Dispatch, a St. Louis County Circuit judge upheld the non-compete clause in Slaten's contract. However, Slaten is barred from only a sports broadcasting role, he can appear in any other facet.

What does this mean? Not much really. Non-compete clauses are used a lot in the business world. Courts have tended to allow enforcement of the provisions, as long as none of the typical contract law defenses exist, such as fraud, you signed it under duress, etc. I checked the leading contract law treatises, and being a major tool is not one of those defenses, so the 6th month "Slaten Vacation" will be allowed to continue. Unfortunately for us, October 6, 2008 is fast approaching.

As a side note, I think there are only two people in St. Louis who actually like Slaten, they are the ones who post favorable comments about him on the Post Dispatch stories. Then again, I'm suspicious that at least one of those posters is Slaten himself, so that really only makes 1.....

Is My Joey Belle Rookie Still Worth Anything? Guys?...

Unfortunately, I've been away from the baseball card industry for the most part since the turn of the century. The one exception is that I was smart enough to buy a couple Pujols rookies back in '01.

That said, I have no idea what Razor Collectibles (aka Razor Entertainment) is, but they struck a deal with friend of the site Brett Wallace for three years. To add to my clueless-ness, I have no idea what they are planning, but I'd assume they have the exclusive rights to all Wallace's signature cards or game-worn materials, etc. It doesn't say on their site, so I'm not 100% sure, but it's probably something along those lines.

It doesn't look like Razor has put out many products, but here's some info on what they call the most expensive pack of all-time. It's on eBay for only $107. That's all? The best part is seeing a bunch of 30+ year old dudes looking really excited.

Ah, the days of collecting sports cards/ignoring women. How I miss thee.


Kansas Shitty There We Go

The official Bertflex to KC trip pictures are posted. Of course, there is gorging on BBQ, bad jerseys, and more bad jerseys. Amazingly, Miss Head went along, and is somehow still dating me. She had all clearance to barrel-roll out of the car going 55mph up I-29, but she passed. I'm waiting for the 'Sex in the City' weekend that is inevitable.

A couple HOF worthy pictures other than HMW's destruction of a BBQ plate are...

HMW flexing at a meathead in a Crush Drunken T-shirt jersey

Holy fuck! Ryan Shealy has really let himself go.

Jack Clark Demands Sandwiches

This big:

Times 100.

Speaking of Jack, one of the things we forgot to mention after the Quad Cities trip was the Legends Home Run Derby promotion. The following guys will be participating in home run derby on August 23rd, up in Davenport, Iowa:

-Jack Clark
-Pedro Guerrero
-Brian McRae
-Darrell Evans
-Kevin Bass
-Mike Devereaux
-Ron Robinson (derby pitcher)

Those guys. Home Run Derby. In 2008.

Should be fun?

Mayhem, 1860 Style

As some of you know, three members of Bertflex.com play vintage base ball. The Good Face a/k/a "Hashrake" plays for the St. Louis Unions, and Sir and myself play for the Saint Louis Perfectos. Saturday will mark yet another meeting between these two esteemed clubs, as we recreate America's game, as it was played in 1860, albeit without the malaria and dysentery.

Although Sir will be closing down the Chicago office, come out to the Unions' home field and see Hack take on The Good Face. We play as gentlemen played the game, with civility. However, since my 1860s "persona" is an attorney (big stretch from real life, I know) I'm even sharpening up my spikes for this one....

Event: Perfectos v. Unions
Date: Saturday, August 16, 2008
Time: 1:00PM CDT
Place: Unions' Home Field -- Old St. Ferdinand Shrine, Florissant, Missouri

The First Annual Men of BertFlex Survey

I spend a lot of my nights on the bar scene promoting the Flex with glow-in-the-dark shooters and a low-cut top, and at every stop I get the same question: What’s it really like inside the coconut of a BertFlex man? Is it all beer, bacon, baseball, and babes, or do these fellows set aside quiet time to reflect and enjoy things that don’t start with a “b”?

To answer the public's burning questions, I give you the first annual BertFlex survey, an in-depth exploration of man crushes, lesbian lovers, and bad spelling. Enjoy.

1. Rank the following in order of personal importance: bacon, chicks, "it," RAW, RBI Baseball.

Big Head:
Chicks, RBI, Bacon, 'it', RAW. Can I have bacon twice?

Big Sandwich: RBI Baseball, chicks, bacon, "it"?, RAW

The Good Face: 1. "It" -- Evolution has engineered me to think about "it" constantly. It's science.
2. Chicks -- For some, chicks aren't necessary for "it." But I don't swing that way (my Brokeback jacket notwithstanding.)
3. RAW -- Others will take this survey and say that RAW isn't what it used to be. Those people should send their concerns to Sound Off. RAW remains your one-stop shop for chicks, people gettin' hurt, and the occasional Ric Flair retirement match.
4. RBI Baseball -- Admittedly, RBI might rank higher if I had an operable NES on the premises. On the rare occasions when I do get to play, it puts a smile on the Good Face -- except for when HMW cheats and goes apeshit, jackin' it every which way but loose.
5. Bacon -- It goes without saying that all of the above are made better with the addition of bacon. Despite ranking at no. 5, it must be noted that bacon was up against some stiff (ha) competition. I ain't hatin' on the hog.

Hack: Chicks, "It,” bacon, RBI baseball, RAW

Hazelwood’s Most Wanted: damn you. damn you and your hard questions. 1) chicks 2) RBI 3) bacon 4) it 5) raw

yes, you women always win. don't get too comfortable, we're always looking for new ways to replace you, so stay on your toes. for me, rbi edges out bacon, but barely. actually, no matter what "it" is (unless "it" is really bad), it has no where else to go but #4. Mathematically impossible to rank "it" ahead of chicks, RBI, or bacon, so it's going to the 4 spot, and i really don't care what "it" is now. there - in yo face! side note, raw might have been able to compete back in its golden era (1997-2000), but not no mo'.

Maltliquorman: 1) bacon 2) 'it' 3) raw 4) rbi 5) everything else 6) chicks

Sir: RBI, bacon, "it", chix, RAW

2. What's the most important personality trait in a lady?

BH: Yeah, about that... Smart??

BS: [Editor’s Note: Ha.] Sense of humor

TGF: BOOBIES!1!!!1 Especially if they're homegrowns. Store-boughts earn negative points.

Hack: Humor

HMW: their ass.

MLM: being able to ask me for favors - anything; anytime; anywhere. i'll be there.

Sir: Intelligence

2b. OK, that's not a personality trait. Try again.

TGF: Dammit, why don't you phrase your questions better? Uh, how about the willingness to talk about boobies, both her own and others? ... If that doesn't qualify, I'll say a sense of humor -- and a tolerance for belching and other gross male tendencies that God intended us to have so stop complaining already. ... But I'd like to point out a little-known mathematical fact: 8008135 > everything.

Hack: Sarcastic humor

HMW: that's your opinion, i've seen many asses w/ personalities, but i will humor you: i'm not too picky, i'd just like someone down to earth. they shouldn't be too obsessed over looks or what other people think about them. a little bit is fine on both accounts, but not too much.
a couple others - 1) sense of humor is always good. 2) also i like women who like to do guy things, but has a girly side too. if a woman is too much like a guy, that can actually be a bad thing.

MLM: i don't get it

3. What's your favorite Will Ferrell movie and why?

BH: Anchorman. Makes me laugh 60% of the time...every time.

BS: Anchorman - Ron Burgundy is exactly everything I strive to be as a human being.... I want to be on you.

TGF: Anchorman. As good as his other movies are (Step Brothers debuted strong and could move up the rankings after repeat viewings), Anchorman remains the yardstick by which they are all measured. It reshaped the way I think about octagons and heightened my love of scotch, poetry, and Merlin Olsen. Plus, it's one man's heroic tale of resisting women in their attempt to throw off the chains of oppression. Even though the battle was lost, I have faith that the war can still be won. And I have Ron Burgundy to thank for that.

Hack: Anchorman. Need I say anymore?

HMW: anchorman. it's so quotable, and the rest of the cast was perfect. it would be hard to top this (but possible - keep reading). I'll throw couple more out there: i kind of liked his role in zoolander, especially when it was revealed he invented the piano key tie. blades of glory was surprisingly good. i thought it was going to suck. Also, his cameo in wedding crashers saved the movie for me. hilarious. the one that would top all of these combined would be a harry caray movie. maybe ferrell doing harry caray for 90 minutes would be funnier on paper, as an actual movie may suck, but i think it would be awesome.

MLM: a night at the roxbury

Sir: Anchorman, because it's the only one I've seen

4. Who are your man crushes? (Feel free to attach a second sheet if necessary.)

BH: Pujols, David Wright, Urlacher, Sebastian Janikowski if only for the drinking, partying, and poontangin' aspect.

BS: Derrek Lee, Brandon Phillips, Josh Hamilton, LaDanian Tomlinson, Deron Williams, Lebron James

TGF: In alphabetical order: Albert Pujols, Ric Flair, Josh Hamilton, Henry Rollins, Billy Beane, Will Ferrell, Erik Hashrake, Bill James, Pedro Alvarez, the Mad Librarian, [Editor’s Note: Please. No man has a rack like this.] Aaron Crow, Mick Foley, Triple H, Ian MacKaye, and whoever was the first guy to tell me about Skinemax (thank you for changing my life ... whoever you are)

Hack: Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel, Grover Cleveland Alexander, General William T. Sherman, Charlton Heston

HMW: my self proclaimed "inner circle of friends" are david wright, chase utley, and hanley ramirez. there are a couple others knocking on the door (prince fielder, felix hernandez), but i would do a lot of illegal things for the 3 NL east infielders. and it's even better - by "better" i mean "gayer" - that i have a nickname for them.

pujols is kind of a gimme, and sometimes he's such a man-crush that i'll forget to even mention him.

that said, i'd also do anything for the '06 cardinals. my only regret is that the '04 and '05 teams were way better, but the '06 team has the trophy, so i'm loyal to them. i don't really have many in football, except anyone on the early 90's buffalo bills teams (thurman thomas esp.), or lee evans (a wide receiver on their current team). sadly, i could name off a bunch of poker players that i enjoy watching, but i'm not sure if they are on man crush level yet. also it could be argued that will leitch and tim mckernan are my man-crushes, but i just like what they do, and their websites appeal to people of my age/sex/background/mindset. and last but not least, i will always have a man-crush on The Rock, even if he's out there making bad movies.

MLM: dan marino, mark messier, bo jackson, jake peavy, justin morneau, prince fielder, the rock, albert pujols, aaron harang, roy halladay, grady sizemore, carl crawford, ladainian tomlinson, trivia nights, moving boxes, menthol cigarettes, malt liquor.

old school: bud smith, brent johnson, USSR hockey

Sir: Roy Oswalt, though it might be over for us after this year, Joel Zumaya, Adam Dunn.

5. Why do guys think lesbians are so hot? You get that they don't want to do you, right?

They don't? We have everything in common; we like cutoff shirts, jerseys, shorts below the knees, football, beer, and chicks.

BS: not all lesbos are hot, butch lesbos are throw-up-in-your mouth disgusting, if you get 2 lovely ladies that want to do to each other what I would like to do to them, that is HOT!

TGF: It's pretty simple, actually. Think about pizza. A pepperoni pizza is good, right? Well, what if you had pepperoni AND sausage? Then it's twice as awesome. Same thing with lesbians -- two hot chicks on a pizza is better than one. And you don't have to do a pizza to enjoy it.

Hack: I have no idea, I just like it. Now, there is a difference between "fantasy lesbianism" and "actual lesbianism." I think most guys are into the fantasy aspect.

HMW: how do you know they don't want me, smartypants? i'll humor you on this one too. i'll approach this in three instances: porn, strip clubs, and real life situations. when it comes to porn, i think it has more to do with us rather seeing two (or more) ladies all over each other, instead of a girl and some d-bag guy. normally the d-bag guys are easy to hate, and you wish they'd just go away. you usually see ghey tribal tattoos, ass sweat, and zoom-in's of their weiners, all while grunting and groaning, taking pleasure in the fact that they bang women for a living. we don't want to see that. in case you forgot, dudes are gross.

in strip clubs, it's about the strippers being shallow and making money. they might actually like fondling other women - hey, that's great. or they might have had a fight with the other girl 10 minutes ago backstage. we don't care, they don't care, they're doing it for the money. and as guys, we commend them for making that decision and entertaining us for a while, so we'll contribute way too much money to put them through college and feed their kid(s).

in real life, lesbians are more mainstream now, but in little ol' st. louis, missouri, it is still pretty taboo. girls kissing each other in public is not something you see every day, so we enjoy it. it says that they are a little freaky and not afraid to try new things (albeit while drunk). in some cases, they aren't strictly lesbian, but probably a little bi-curious, so we've got a chance. honestly i'd say we're 90% sure they don't want to do us, but a 10% chance for us is pretty big. we're hoping that if we get close enough to the action, 10% of the time, we'll be added to the mix, fulfilling our menage a trois fantasy. that's really what it's all about.

MLM: i can't answer this, i've got to do stuff with those things.

Sir: Since you've heard my Peoria story, you now know that they almost want me. I have the right to be delusional about this topic.

6. Is there anything else you want to the world to know about the men of BertFlex?

BH: Who's the gay one or four?

BS: we demmand your respect and hot wings

TGF: Odds are, we smell like you think we do.

Hack: Nope

HMW: we are all wonderful human beings. kind, gentle, caring souls who respect others and accept them for who they are. [Editor’s Note: I call bullshit.]

MLM: they are all jerks.

Sir: Nope, all out of funny for today.


The Search for the BertFlex Corporate Headquarters

(Update below)

Saturday was the first day of the much-anticipated search for the new BertFlex Corporate Headquarters. Sir and I took about five hours touring numerous locations, and we have possibly found our new home. We can't go into full details now, but we're pretty excited what news may come later today.

We will still keep our other Bureaus around the STL/ILL-side area, as well as Denver and Omaha. Because of Sir's big announcement last week, the Chicago office is shutting its doors down. But this new World Headquarters looks to be a huge improvement over my mom and dad's basement the current one.

Stay tuned for updates!

Sunday night update: It looks like this is the spot. Assuming the fine people at Pheasant Run meet our demands when we check out our exact home/HQ, they win. I wish I had a picture or two for you, but just so you know, AstroTurf is involved.

We'll pass along any further news between now and our move-in (Friday the 22nd). After that, we'll pass along all the party information.