Stupid stupid Matt Leinart. He went through all the trouble to be making tons of money in the NFL and now he's going to part with a lot of it since he's going to be a baby daddy. No, he didn't knock up Paris Hilton, however he did knock up his old USC girlfriend, 20-year-old Brynn Cameron (shown here).
According to an interview with her father, Brynn will remain in school and "is not interested in being married right now. She wants to finish her degree and then see where things go from there". Um, thanks. I don't think a stud like Leinart is going to agree to that shit anyway. Brynn and Matt apparently broke up last year but remained "friends". Ew. If my dad ever had to be interviewed about an ex-boyfriend who I was still "friends" with that knocked me up-- AKWARD!
Brynn is a shooting guard on the USC women's basketball team and will redshirt this year (which was to be her junior season). At least the kid will be rocking some hard-core athletic ability! Quick side note: according to her profile on the USC website, Brynn is undecided on a major but lists her career goal as "wanting one day to make a difference." She's making a difference all right; just not a very positive one for Leinart!
Stupid stupid Matt Leinart. He went through all the trouble to be making tons of money in the NFL and now he's going to part with a lot of it since he's going to be a baby daddy. No, he didn't knock up Paris Hilton, however he did knock up his old USC girlfriend, 20-year-old Brynn Cameron (shown here).
This past weekend was a success for our friends at 24. They took home Emmy's for best drama, best director, and best actor. So what's next for this hit show?
Naturally, a drinking game.
See the video below for details and instructions, along with a demonstration of when you should drink. A repeated demonstration. Jack Bauer is angry at you.
Props to this guy chauzer on the editing job.
It's fantasy draft weekend here at bertflex. To kick things off, we had "Nintendo Night," featuring everyone's favorite 8 bit system from 20 years ago.
A lot of baseball games were played, but we were also able to squeeze in Blades of Steel. In case you were wondering, Blades of Steel ruins friendships, tears families apart, and is a danger to society as a whole.
If you disagree, I encourage you to look at the evidence below. Part one of the pictures are in the photo gallery, with more to come later this weekend. Enjoy!
There has been some interest shown in a bertflex death pool. No, we aren't picking when Tony will choke on Gooey Butter Cake or when Justin will finally end things after yet another "Wait 'till next year" Cubs season. Odds on that can be found down at the Alton Belle. I'm talking death pool.
Four catagories; musician, actor, politician, and rich person. We could go with five and throw athlete in as well.
Since some of us live around the great US of A, I think we should just email our pick in or just attach them as a comment. If you want in, just say yes and we can come up with some monetary amount to throw down on hopes of the grim reaper visiting. Don't send your picks just yet. If we have enough people in the pool, then we can get the go ahead.
Cincinnati is known as the "Queen City", I really don't know why, but I know that I sure got the "royal" treatment this past weekend. While making a return visit to see my sister and her fiance I took in the sights and celebrity that Cincy has to offer. Here is a short photographic highlight reel for those who couldn't attend.
Hofbrauhaus Beer Garden- Thomas and I each got a sampler of the homemade beers. They have a house polka band and they serve Bavarian cuisine (fried bolgna sandwich on the menu!) Waitress' wear short ass black skirts and we are lucky enough to get the "heavy" girl. Thomas orders a suspect looking bbq sandwich and proceeds to get food poisoning. I skip eating and go with a liter of beer for my main course.
Trader's World- BIG ASS FLEA Market. The white trash side of me was in heaven, as you could find anything under the sun here including : Barry Larkin baseball cards for days, car stereos, deep fried oreos, whitesnake cassette tapes, and the outdoor game of choice in Ohio CORNHOLE! Which is like washers but with beanbags, the sign immediately reminds me of the Upright Citizens Brigade sketch about "ass pennies"!
More Trader's World- this picture speaks for itself.
The random sports memorabilia shop at the Cincy Mills- Thomas pumped me up for this place and I wasn't disappointed. Look at the disbelief on my face as I hold up a Travis Lee lunchbox! What you probably can't make out is the price tag on this gem. There is an original price of $9.99, but surprisingly, no one was biting on it so they marked it down to $3.99. What horrible parent would send their child to school with this?
More from the random sports store - Your eyes do not deceive you, that is the real thing baby! I've only heard stories of the mythological creature that is the Eddie Taubensee autographed bat, but now I am a believer. I can only imagine he signed this after his "career" year back in '99 with the Reds where he put up 21 bombs, 87 rib's, and a very respectable .311 avg. That price is maybe the most absurd thing I have ever seen.
Cracker Barrel - "The" Tom Jackson apprently lives in the Cincy area and I swear I did a triple take as we were walking into the Cracker Barrel, there he was sitting on a bench outside reading a newspaper. He had sunglasses on, so I wasn't completely sure it was him. But my suspicions were quickly lifted as the hostess announced Jackson party of 3, and who comes hobbling inside but the Bronco's 3 time Pro-Bowl linebacker. I didn't approach him for fear that his "supreme football know-how" might rub off and make me even less successful in my upcoming fantasy football draft.
Illinois Man Traveling With His Mom Accused of Telling Airport Security Penis Pump Was a Bomb
08-24-2006 10:31 AM
CHICAGO -- Cook County prosecutors say a 29-year-old man traveling with his mother desperately didn't want her to know he'd packed a sexual aid for their trip to Turkey. So he told security it was a bomb, officials said. Madin Azad Amin, 29, of Skokie, was stopped Aug. 16 after guards found an object in his baggage that resembled a grenade, prosecutors said. When officers asked him to identify it, Amin said it was a bomb, said Cook County Assistant State's Attorney Lorraine Scaduto.
He later told officials he'd lied about the item because his mother was nearby and he didn't want her to hear that it was part of a penis pump, Scaduto said. He's been charged with felony disorderly conduct, said Andrew Conklin, a spokesman with the Cook County state's attorney's office.
Amin's attorney told a Cook County judge Wednesday that Amin whispered that the component was a "pump." The guard misunderstood, and thought he said "bomb," according to defense attorney Eileen O'Neill-Burke. "He told her it's a pump," O'Neill-Burke said. "He's standing with his mother. Of course he's not going to shout this out." However, Judge Gerald Winiecki decided there was sufficient evidence for the case to move forward after the female security guard testified that she heard Amin "clearly" say the word bomb.
Amin is charged with felony disorderly conduct, which could bring a three-year prison sentence if he's convicted. Amin is due back in court Sept. 13
He told the Chicago Sun-Times after the hearing that security officials did not give him a chance to explain the misunderstanding, that he would never use the word "bomb" while going through a security checkpoint, and does not consider a penis pump an unusual object to own.
"It's normal," he said. "Half of America they use it."
Hello everyone, welcome to the 2006 Fantasy Football Kit--we have everything you need to win your football league this season! You are only 5 easy steps away from pounding your opponents on a weekly basis, and hopefully winning a lot of money (be sure to share the wealth with your homies).
The best part is: this is free! We are doing this as a service to you, because you probably don't want to waste your money buying espn's Insider, the Sporting News' Fantasy Source, or lay down 7 bucks for one of those silly fantasy magazines that jerks like me could have put together in a couple days.
Spend your money on more useful magazines...I'll leave that up to you to interpret the word "useful."
So here goes, keep this information handy when participating in your draft over the next couple weeks:
1.) Print out a bunch of information using your company's printer paper
Work is work...but there are times when being at work comes in handy--they always have plenty of computer paper. Use this to print up any type of football information you want. I always go with a ranking list of the best players and someone else's mock draft. Side note tip: you are not as smart as the guys who get paid to write about fantasy sports. Trust them, not you. Also print out some stats from last year in case you want to compare one player to another. Print out a season schedule too so you know when each team has bye weeks.
2.) Steal a gay highlighter from work, too
Highlighters don't come in very many "manly" colors, so suck it up and go with pink for your draft. When picks are made, highlight that guy's name on one of your sheets listed in tip #1. Plus you take a chance that one of the other team owners will mock you for having a pink highlighter, possibly distracting him during the draft. If he slips and takes Curtis Martin in the 5th round, now who's the dumbass?
How will you be able to concentrate on an empty stomach? More importantly, how will you be able to cope with having Fred Taylor as your 2nd running back? Be sure to stock up on a bunch of food, preferably something greasy and/or deep fried. The draft is going to take a while, so be comfortable, and lenient on that belt, fatboy. And the amount of booze is your choice. If for some reason you do end up with Fred Taylor, I'd suggest a ridiculous amount of alcohol--quickly!
4.) Draft attire
If no one makes fun of you for a gay highlighter, your wardrobe is another key component of getting inside your opposition's head. Do you go with a plain old t-shirt? No that doesn't get anyone's attention. Jerome Bettis #36 Rams jersey? Now we're talking. The scrubby shirt you just cut the grass in might work, but most people will just turn away from you and ignore the smell. However, the glow off a Ricky Watters Seahawks jersey cannot be avoided, no matter where you are located in the room. Plan B: If you're real desperate, go with the "just out of jail" look. Handcuff on one of your wrists and a teardrop tattoo under your right eye. A lot of good picks could fall into your lap if you threaten to kill someone's grandma. Write that down.
Dear kid, what were you thinking?
Best wishes, Ricky Watters
5.) Talk some shit and bring "Ha Ha" guy with you
Smack talk is always encouraged, and you get better with practice. Not all one liners will be winners, but lay it on your opponents early and often. Be sure to back that up by not making stupid decisions on your own. An alternative to vocally speaking smack is by using "Ha Ha" guy as a silent weapon. What the hell is "Ha Ha" guy you ask? Go to www.hetemeel.com/hahaform.php and type in your own smack. Print that out and hold it up to your opponent's face every time they make a dumb pick. 100% of the time...it works every time.
There you have it--everything you need to know to dominate your draft this year. Good luck!
(unless you are playing against me)
Normal people across the country look at the calendar and see August 22nd. Not us at bertflex.com, we have known about this day for a couple months now...known simply as "Madden Day." Yes, the EA marketing geniuses would want us to say "Happy Maddenoliday," but that is a mouthful and just sounds silly.
Unless EA would like to hire me as part of their team, then I'll say whatever they want. (NASCAR '07 son!)
"Julius Peppers, nor herpes, can stop me"
On to the day's festivities. I, like a lot of you, have to work today. The hardcore dorks will skip work or call in sick. I passed on that option and utilized my lunch hour to make my purchase.
But where to go? Best Buy always ranks #1 on my list. But their "special" this week was: buy Madden and get two free 20 oz. bottles of Coke. Eh, not much of a deal. Target, ranked #2, was slightly better: buy Madden and get a free fantasy football magazine. Not bad, probably $6-7 value, but I'm looking to get by on the cheap! That's where the fine folks at Circuit City (#3) step in. No soda, no magazines...just buy our copy of Madden and take $12 from us before you go.
That's right, $38 for Madden on the first day. Circuit City is knocking on the door of Best Buy in my power rankings. Thumbs up to Circuit City for not only selling Madden at much-appreciated discount price, but also for the front row parking spot I got when I pulled in. They must have known I was coming.
This is also marginally historic because it's the quickest first-day purchase I've ever made, shattering the record for when I bought Family Guy Vol. 1, by a few hours.
I don't think I have to tell anyone what my plans are for the rest of the week.
Oh yeah, back to that pesky work...
Sorry Tony, Justin, and all Notre Dame fans. It looks like this season was not meant to be, even though you guys haven't played a game yet. You are on the cover of SI this week, killing your chance at a National Title.
But wait! There is some hope! Before you continue cursing, I'll let you know that this is part of a six cover college football preview, distributed regionally. The other 5 teams are (the) Ohio State, Texas, LSU, USC, and the always dangerous West Virginia.
There is something that you should worry about, though. All three men on the cover above (S Tom Zbikowski, QB Brady Quinn, and LB Travis Thomas) shave their arms and legs. I would expect that from wideout Jeff Samardzija because of his Cubs connection, but not these guys.
The stage is set, and as he walks to the podium, Walt Jocketty is seen smiling and giving the thumbs up to Tony LaRussa. Jocketty taps on the mic. "We got him! We did it." It was finally uncle Walts turn to shine. The same GM that has traded TJ Mathews for Mark McGwire, Bud Smith for Scott Rolen, Kent Bottenfield for Jim Edmonds, and saw Pujols to the majors has finally made his big move for the post season push. Yes!!! We got...
Preston Wilson? Since when have we been relegated to picking up the Astros scrap iron? Are we now the Cubs or Pirates? Wilson's stats in Ho-Town; .269/9/55. The next couple of weeks, while you're watching the Little League World Series, notice the stadium. They bumped the walls back a few feet this year to get ready for the LLWS's imminate move to Minute Maid. Wilson couldn't even get it out of Minute Maid into double digits (and yes, I realize that some of his jacks came on the road). I imagine Minute Maid being a glorified Northside Park in Alton. Granted, we don't pay jack for him, but we've seen how that's worked out for Jeff Weaver. Fifty-Fifty, some good and a whole lot of bad. And what can we expect from Mini-Mookie? I'd say 25-75. Not RBI/HR, but groundouts and backward K's.
Google "Preston Wilson" and you get this shipwreck
Chris Duncan has looked pretty damn good lately. Probably this year's John Rodriguez/Bo Hart/Skip Schumaker/Rick Ankiel/Bud Smith award winner (which means he'll be in Memphis next year). Duncan has been the only thing that is consistant other than that our pitching will suck.
So here's the Cards moves to push into the playoffs; Ronnie "Beer Me" Belliard, Jeff Weaver, and Preston Wilson. On a team that needs pitching like Snoop needs chronic, we passed to the left. Nice job Walt. In a move that might be controversial, I wouldn't playa hate if the Cards signed Kerry Wood after the Cubs cut him loose. I'm always up for screwing the Cubs. See you in Jupiter.
Now that the fantasy football season is almost here, I felt the need to reflect upon my performance in last year's league. It should have been better, but like a lot of people, I was a victim of the multiple injury bug (although owning Chad Johnson was one of the highlights of my life).
I had a particular transaction that I've looked back upon and asked myself a million times: what the hell was I thinking? You will see that below.
This prompted me to come up with a list, which ended up being very very long, of our best fantasy blunders. You'll notice that almost all of these are in fantasy baseball, and within the past few years. It was hard to do some of the research because of "lack of documentation." But this is a great list nonetheless--showing that we've been able to squeeze in a lot of stupidity in a short amount of time.
10. Tony-Trading Jonathan Papelbon for Mark Buehrle (2006)
Tony took Papelbon in the 25th round of this year's draft. He rode that hot start and turned it into one of the better pitchers in the game. Good trade right? Not even close! Mark Buehrle has turned into a left handed version of Jose Lima, while Papelbon has been near perfect throughout this season with his sub 1.00 ERA. The sad thing: Tony is used to this by now.
9. York (left) & Andy - Skipping Pujols in separate 2006 drafts
At the beginning of the season, there was a big debate over who should be picked #1 in baseball drafts: A-Rod or Pujols? Naturally being from St. Louis and one of the die hards of Cardinal Nation, there is only one logical choice here. Oh yeah, and we named a website after him. But despite being Cardinal fans, Andy and York both passed on Albert. York chose A-Rod. That's fine...except it's a keeper league. Andy decided to throw everyone a curve ball and went with Derek Lee! His reason: He suspected Albert of being on steroids. Needless to say, the guys picking #2 did not have to use much time thinking about their decision.
8. Tony-Dropped Ben Sheets and Brad Lidge in same week (2004)
Record-wise, Ben Sheets didn't have a stellar year, but putting up 264 K's and a 2.70 ERA is very helpful, to say the least, in fantasy. Brad Lidge decided to be a monster set-up man and eventual closer for the 2004 Wild Card Champs. His amazing stat that year was the 157 K's in 95 innings pitched. Both were drafted by Tony and let go a couple weeks into April. To no ones' surprise, Tony was not in the money that year, prompting a team-for-team 60 man trade between him and me at the end of the season.
7. Shaun-Preston Wilson: 2nd round pick (2004)
"Hey he can repeat his 2003 season, right guys?" After a 9th place finish (out of ten), 2004 was the last year I used my own instincts at a draft. Now I take the advice of the people who get paid to talk about fantasy baseball. Good call.
6. Tony-Selecting 5 pitchers in first 5 rounds, then maxing out innings August 31st, hoping for players' strike (2002)
You won't find anyone more ballsy than Tony, who decided to own the pitching categories in '02, by taking five starting pitchers in the first five rounds. I remember Tim Hudson and Matt Morris being on his team (remember when they were good?), and three other studs. Honestly he did own the pitching categories all year. Unfortunately in this league, we use an innings limit of 1350. Towards the end of August, Tony was very close to the limit and he should have been a little more choosy with his starters. But wait! There was major rumblings going on that the players would go on strike at the end of August, remember? So Tony put all his chips in the middle of the table, betting on a Full House, only to see someone else lay down a bunch of Aces. This move dropped Tony from 1st to 4th...and out of the money.
5. Ben-Trading Travis Hafner for Odalis Perez (2005)
The Mets needed pitching help in 2004, that's why they went out and got Victor Zambrano. Ben needed pitching help in 2005, that's why he went out and got Odalis Perez. Well, you can't win them all. Tony returned the favor to Ben a year later (see #10).
4. York-Mariano Rivera: 3rd overall pick (2002)
Actual fantasy experts are probably gasping at the above sentence. I'll answer some questions for you: Yes, it was a mixed league. Yes, that says "3rd overall." No, York is not a Yankees fan. Yes, he loves saves. And yes, we're still confused too.
3. Josh-Justin Morneau: 5th round pick, AL league (2005)
Josh taking Justin Morneau will be forever talked about amongst our group. We have all taken a verbal beating over these picks and transactions, but Josh usually hears the most crap about "the Justin Morneau pick." I'll set the scene for you: this was only a 6 team league, and Josh was on the 4th/5th round turn. So his 5th round pick here was the 25th overall. In case you forgot, the AL didn't suck last year either. Josh steps up to the podium--yes we had a podium for this draft--says something along the lines of "I may be doing this a little early," and the rest is history. To his credit, Morneau is having a monster 2006 season, and would have been better in '05 if not for a beanball to his head. But this pick is legendary in the annals of history, and would be #1 on this list if the first two didn't suck so bad.
2. Shaun-Dropped Larry Johnson for Antowain Smith (2005)
Okay so it looks dumb on paper, but let me explain: I added Antowain Smith because I wanted to take advantage of his team (the Saints) playing against the ugly Rams defense. Smith ran for a whopping 56 yards and no touchdowns. My top RB Priest Holmes decided to get hurt soon after that, and I was not quick enough to pick LJ back up. I think he had a decent final 8 weeks last year; I'm not sure, I was too busy crying in the corner of my bedroom to care.
1. Justin-Mark Prior: 1st overall pick (2004)
Homerism at it's finest! Justin's fantasy record is not very stellar, and this decision making is a good reason why. Mark Prior was scheduled to be out for a month or so to begin the 2004 season. But Justin, a Cubs fan, decided to ignore these "medical reports" and this so-called "conventional wisdom," by taking Prior #1. Justin finished 10th out of 10, while getting six wins out of "Hurt Flex." Thanks for playing Justin. D'oh indeed.
Labels: Instant Classics
We saw some hardcore RBI Baseball/Tecmo Bowl tats a few weeks back, courtesy of TP. I stumbled across a huge fan of Family Guy that sports these two classics.
We can all take guesses on where it looks like the Stewie one is (seems to look like the side of the ass), but I have no clue where the Angry Monkey one is located.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the Who's Shitty fantasy report, everyone's favorite place to go for fantasy baseball analysis. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will NOT check the mailbag and answer five fantasy questions this week because of "Lazy Bum Syndrome."
That's right, your buddy Shaun is here to field your fantasy sports questions! I will try not to suck as bad as Tony, and I can't guarantee that the Pellegrino curse will still apply if I answer the questions. But you will have the satisfaction of hearing from someone who actually knows what he's doing.
Contrary to internet rumors, Tony did not have Chris Mortensen at his side during the drafts back in March. I was there. Tony did all the stupidity by himself.
For this week's badass picture, I will stick to the Tony theme and go with this picture entitled "Failure." It is pretty much Tony watching a can of corn getting snapped off into my glove for a sandlot victory. He may tell you about a home run that he hit off a light stand, but I remember him going 0-28 with a bunch of backwards K's.
Let's do this!
1. (Karl R.-Bristol, CT) Why did Harold Reynolds leave our show? Now the only brother we have on the baseball side is Joe Morgan. ESPN is going to have to hire a replacement, or else Orestes Destrade will take over. Krukster is already in the fetal position under the NFL Live desk, and I'm going to have to start rubbing down John Clayton. HELP!! Who could replace Harold?
You would rub down John Clayton, wouldn't you Karl Ravech? Plain and simple: Harold Reynolds sucked. ESPN needed another reason to fire him besides "sucking," and they went with "hugging" instead. I've never found the need to hug one of my co-workers, but I'll have to try one day and see how it goes. To take it a step further, if I'm talking to one of my fellow male co-workers and a female walks by, maybe I'll pull a Connery by slapping her on the ass and telling her to move along. "This is Man-Talk."
As for the replacement, it'll probably be another black man, let's be honest. And he'll be one of those guys who "tells it like it is." But he "keeps it real" too, because he is black, get it? My money is on Mo Vaughn.
2. (Bobby A.-Bronx) What deadline moves helped the teams the most, and have you seen my swing? It's been missing since last July. I think I left it somewhere in Comerica.
I know I just set the record for most quote marks in an answer (above), but they are not necessary here: your power is G-O-N-E. GONE! You are still a hell of a four tool player, though. Not worth a super early pick in next year's drafts (say 4th round) unless you go back to using an aluminum bat like you did at Comerica in June '05.
And the deadline deals that helped the most? Tough call here. You've probably read a lot of expert analysis on this topic already, so I won't spare you some lengthy analysis of every trade. But I will say that I enjoyed the Reds overpaying for a ton of worthless relievers. That made the Cardinals lack of moves a little easier to swallow.
Oh yeah, and I wish Shea Hillenbrand would have stayed with the Blue Jays, just so ESPN could have filmed a reality show of their "sinking ship."
3. (Matt-'03 Mercedes) We are getting closer to hockey season, and the Blues are closer to respectability. Where do you see them this year, and why would they let Erik Johnson play for Gopher U instead of the big club? If he is better than Pronger was at 18, and Pronger started on the Whale, why not Johnson?
I have no actual analysis of Erik Johnson, except seeing the same 3 highlights from local TV. I will say that he looks a lot like Alfred E. Neuman.
Maybe it's just me, I think they look alike.
Good luck this season at Minnesota Erik, and here's to you receiving a lot of tail this school year.
Great signing of Manny Legace this week. 10 times better than Patrick Lalime a couple years ago.
PS. If you play fantasy hockey, all I have to say is WOW. That is all.
4. (Jack Bauer-somewhere between here and China) Tony, put me on the line with Shaun to answer this question! Who is a good pickup for the stretch run? Only seven weeks left in the season! There's not much time, tell me now! (points gun)
Jack you know protocol (whatever that means). And you have the schematics (whatever that means). We all know that Tony is unfit for this job and I have been sent here by Division to take over. I'm not sure what positions you are looking for, but check to see if Mark DeRosa (infield) or Craig Monroe (outfield) is still a free agent. Catch them while they are hot.
If it is a pitcher you need, go with one of these kids: Joe Saunders of LAA or Cole Hamels from Philly.
By the way, be careful with those Chinamen. They love to fight. And they can grow up to five feet tall!
5. (SALISBURY-parts unknown) Tony nobody cares about baseball anymore, especially your since your teams suck so bad! FOOTBALL should have all your attention now! It's August 12th, do a little one-man mock draft of the 1st round. Say a 10 team league. Maybe throw in a couple "bubble" guys, and I'm not talking about Ron Jaworski! Ha Ha Ha! Laugh at my joke!
HA HA HA! Hilarious Salisbury! But you're dealing with me this week, so here's a mock that you should expect come draft day:
2.) Shaun Alexander (although a very logical #1 pick too)
3.) LT (be sure to do the happy dance after taking him)
4.) Tiki Barber
5.) Clinton Portis (although could be interchangeable with Tiki at 4)
6.) LaMont Jordan (if you draw the #6 in your league, go ahead and have someone kick you in the balls so you feel better.)
7.) Cadillac Williams
8) Edge (can he still put up big #'s in Arizona? you could make a case for him to be #6 too.)
9) Steven Jackson
10) Rudi Johnson
My guys on the bubble would be Ronnie Brown, Peyton Manning, and Steve Smith. It'll all depend on your league setup. A lot of people take RB's in the first (and usually second) rounds nowadays. If QB's score more points on touchdown passes, you have to move Manning up higher.
As a side note, if you win the ESPN contest that lets you have Chris Mortensen as your draft wingman, you should probably decline. Unless you want to take Brett Favre, Tom Brady, Curtis Martin, and Jerome Bettis with your first four picks.
If you would like to ask Tony, or maybe Shaun, "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely. Shaun Kennedy's advice is much better. He is far past the days of taking Preston Wilson in the second round in 2004.
Labels: Who's Shitty
I've really been slacking from my responsibilities as the guy who posts all things non-pure-sports-related on the site. I could tell you that I've been gone because I was underground as the target of a mass government conspiracy because I was the sole possessor of top secret classified information that could bring the country down.
But I'd just be lying. It's laziness, pure and simple.
For my triumphant (second) return, I thought I'd revisit the strange world of professional wrestling. I'm quite a fan of the "sport," after all, and I don't bother hiding it.
I noticed a rather piss-poor list of the top 50 wrestling feuds of all time. The idiot who compiled them included nothing but rivalries that occured within the WWE empire, and they were such weird, unheard of feuds as Bob Backlund VS Bret Hart or Harley Race VS Haku. Now, no disrespect to any of those guys (especially Bret) but those rivalries hardly set the wrestling world on fire. Have any of you ever heard of them?
Because I'm lazy (as I said earlier), I've only complied a list of the top ten pro wrestling rivalries, but even with only ten, it's a far better representation of the best feuds ever. I'm sure there'll be one or two I left out, but at least what is here definitely deserves it.
And here we go...
10) Rob Van Dam VS Jerry Lynn -- It was an RVD/Jerry Lynn match that initially hooked me on Extreme Championship Wrestling. There was little story behind this rivavlry, and there didn’t need to be. Van Dam and Lynn were so out-f***ing-standing in the ring, they didn’t NEED any stupid, sissy storyline. Okay, there was a bit of a story behind the battle: Lynn wanted to make a name for himself. That’s it. And he succeeded. These guys main evented ECW shows for the better part of a year, and people never left unsatisfied. In fact, they'd keep going back anytime the two were booked against each other.
9) Raven VS Tommy Dreamer -- This was probably the feud that ECW was built on. For three years, Tommy fought and fought to defeat his childhood nemesis, but he could never get that elusive victory. It wasn’t until Raven jumped ship for greener pastures in WCW that Tommy finally got his victory in their final match together (until Raven returned from WCW sometime later). Too bad for Tommy that Jerry “the King” Lawler showed up from WWF after the match ended and caned Tommy in the balls.
8) Bret Hart VS “Stone Cold” Steve Austin -- This feud was the beginning of Steve’s rise to world fame, and the beginning of the WWE's (then WWF's) famous Attitude era. Steve’s later battles with Vince McMahon and the corporate office catapulted him to superstar status, but his battles with Bret proved what a badass he was in the ring.
7) Ric Flair VS Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat -- Here we have a WCW rivalry that no one will remember if they haven't seen Ric Flair’s DVD. Flair has said he probably wrestled Steamboat a thousand times, and nearly every match was a good one. While Hulk Hogan posed and strutted through arenas while 80’s rock & roll played, Flair and Steamboat tore the house down with exciting wrestling clinics hardly seen these days.
6) Ric Flair VS Sting -- Yet another WCW rivalry few people other than the die-hard fans like myself and older generations will remember. Flair and Sting battled for five years or more, and they were always awesome. This is the rivalry that really made Sting’s career, much like every young star that feuded with Flair in those days. In the days before Hulk Hogan appeared in WCW, this was WCW's top rivalry.
5) Edge & Christian VS The Hardy Boyz -- This was another rivalry that lasted longer than most others did in the Attitude era. The most amazing part of it was the fact that it started when the Hardyz were literally no-namers. They became the replacements for Edge and Christian in the Brood faction--which is usually a death knell for any performer--but they were so amazing in the ring that fans couldn’t get enough of them. And their tag team ladder match for Terri Runnels’ personal services was a-freakin’-mazing--although I can’t understand why anyone would work so hard for Terri’s services.
4) “Stone Cold” Steve Austin VS The Rock -- Like most rivalries during the Attitude era's peak, this one was spawned from the ongoing feud Steve had with his maniacal boss and WWE Chairman Vince McMahon. However, unlike a lot of those rivalries, this one last for nearly four years. Rock and Austin went toe-to-toe several times, but people just never seemed to get tired of it. Even with Vince out of the picture toward the end, people still wanted to see these men beat the hell out of each other.
3) Hulk Hogan VS Andre the Giant -- Love him or hate him, Hulk WAS pro wrestling in the 80’s, and no one made a bigger (har har) or badder nemesis for him than the behemoth that was Andre. While the WM 3 match wasn’t exactly a five-star classic, the buildup was huge. Everyone wanted to see if Hogan could actually bodyslam the giant. And he did. Screw the fact that the match was forgettable. Hogan bodyslammed a human being that weighed well over 500 pounds, something that had never been done (on national TV anyway) before.
2) New World Order VS World Championship Wrestling -- The nWo and their rebellion against WCW was a big factor in changing the wrestling landscape. And, like the Austin/McMahon feud on the other channel, everything in WCW tied into this epic battle. Sure it ran too long (way too long), but at it’s peak with “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan VS Sting, it was phenomenal. Not only that, it kicked Vince’s proverbial ass in the ratings and proved that Vince WASN’T the king of wrestling. Anything that does that is okay in my book.
And now the number one rivalry in professional wrestling...
1) “Stone Cold” Steve Austin VS Vince McMahon -- I've mentioned it several times already. It was the biggest part of WWE’s (then WWF’s) success and a major part of the Attitude era. Everything about the show somehow tied into it. The good guys were all the rebels refusing to conform, and the bad guys were all the corporate ass-kissers. In the end, the feud's main drawing power was one thing: everyone has or had a boss they want to beat the hell out of.
So there you have it. The top ten. I'm sure some people can think of others, but I think we can all agree (those of us who like pro wrestling, anyway) that these feuds deserve their spot one way or another.
Most minor league teams have Thirsty Thursday. It's basically a free pass to get as faded as humanly possible in seven innings on $2.50 Miller Lite 16 ouncers. I succeeded last Thursday, and of course I took my camera along. I took this picture of the O-Royals mascot Casey jinxing the batter. The thing to look at is the kid in the little league uni with the Miller Lite!
I have scanned the newspaper, radio, television, and the internets for the most talked about eight stories in the news this week.
Links to these headlines are not provided, and good luck finding them.
But trust me, these will be the most talked about topics when you hit the bars this weekend. Peace!
-City of St. Louis Bans Public Smoking. Mayor Disappointed to Learn that the Nickname "Puff Daddy" Has Been Taken.
-New Hooters Opens Downtown. Damn Right it Does.
-Why Play College Sports if You Can't Receive Illegal Benefits?
-Boss at Wash 'n Go Delays Boyz 2 Men's Comeback Album: Won't Give Them Weekends Off.
-Mel Gibson's Antics Distract Paparazzi From Catching Amazing Lindsay Lohan Nipple Slip.
-Braves Trade Sosa, Cash to Cards for Busch Stadium Urinal.
-Derek Jeter Comes Out With New Cologne; You Can Smell Overrated Too!
-Joe Theisman Performs Yearly Ritual: Deep Fries a Football, Eats it, Runs Over Barry Melrose With His Car.
The one great thing about Omaha are the AAA Pacific Coast League's lovable losers, the Omaha Royals. This year's edition of the O-Royals offer up two ex-Cards; Kerry Robinson and Donovan Osbourne. Yes, your eyes are not decieving you. I did just say that Donovan Osbourne is playing professional baseball. The same guy that laid down on the mound in Game 7 of the 1996 NLCS. Donovan Osbourne. Starting lefty. Omaha Royals.
I have a baseball from the 100th Anniversary season of 1992 autographed in person by some Cardinals greats; Milt Thompson, Cris Carpenter, Gaylen Pitts, and Jimmy Donahue (bullpen catcher). But I was missing one player on this ball that I had longed for. I needed Donovan Osbourne to sign my ball. So my two week long dream was about to happen.
The pregame conversation went something like this...
Matt (drunken from Thirsty Thursday already)- Hey, Donovan!
D.O.- What's up?
Matt- Well, (fumbling thru pockets for ball and pen) see, I have this ball that I've had for 14 years, and well, I'd like you to sign it. It's a Cardinals 100th anniversary ball, and you were actually on the '92 team.
Matt- Look, I've had the ball since I was 10. Make a little boy's dream come true at 24.
Ahhh, hit the sequence...dream complete. As you can see, Donovan signed the ball, and by the picture, you can see he sits in the 'pen and waits for every fifth day. I was waiting for Chris Connelly to come up behind me and do a 'Make A Wish' story on me.