8.11.2008

The First Annual Men of BertFlex Survey

I spend a lot of my nights on the bar scene promoting the Flex with glow-in-the-dark shooters and a low-cut top, and at every stop I get the same question: What’s it really like inside the coconut of a BertFlex man? Is it all beer, bacon, baseball, and babes, or do these fellows set aside quiet time to reflect and enjoy things that don’t start with a “b”?

To answer the public's burning questions, I give you the first annual BertFlex survey, an in-depth exploration of man crushes, lesbian lovers, and bad spelling. Enjoy.

1. Rank the following in order of personal importance: bacon, chicks, "it," RAW, RBI Baseball.

Big Head:
Chicks, RBI, Bacon, 'it', RAW. Can I have bacon twice?

Big Sandwich: RBI Baseball, chicks, bacon, "it"?, RAW

The Good Face: 1. "It" -- Evolution has engineered me to think about "it" constantly. It's science.
2. Chicks -- For some, chicks aren't necessary for "it." But I don't swing that way (my Brokeback jacket notwithstanding.)
3. RAW -- Others will take this survey and say that RAW isn't what it used to be. Those people should send their concerns to Sound Off. RAW remains your one-stop shop for chicks, people gettin' hurt, and the occasional Ric Flair retirement match.
4. RBI Baseball -- Admittedly, RBI might rank higher if I had an operable NES on the premises. On the rare occasions when I do get to play, it puts a smile on the Good Face -- except for when HMW cheats and goes apeshit, jackin' it every which way but loose.
5. Bacon -- It goes without saying that all of the above are made better with the addition of bacon. Despite ranking at no. 5, it must be noted that bacon was up against some stiff (ha) competition. I ain't hatin' on the hog.

Hack: Chicks, "It,” bacon, RBI baseball, RAW

Hazelwood’s Most Wanted: damn you. damn you and your hard questions. 1) chicks 2) RBI 3) bacon 4) it 5) raw

yes, you women always win. don't get too comfortable, we're always looking for new ways to replace you, so stay on your toes. for me, rbi edges out bacon, but barely. actually, no matter what "it" is (unless "it" is really bad), it has no where else to go but #4. Mathematically impossible to rank "it" ahead of chicks, RBI, or bacon, so it's going to the 4 spot, and i really don't care what "it" is now. there - in yo face! side note, raw might have been able to compete back in its golden era (1997-2000), but not no mo'.

Maltliquorman: 1) bacon 2) 'it' 3) raw 4) rbi 5) everything else 6) chicks

Sir: RBI, bacon, "it", chix, RAW

2. What's the most important personality trait in a lady?

BH: Yeah, about that... Smart??

BS: [Editor’s Note: Ha.] Sense of humor

TGF: BOOBIES!1!!!1 Especially if they're homegrowns. Store-boughts earn negative points.

Hack: Humor

HMW: their ass.

MLM: being able to ask me for favors - anything; anytime; anywhere. i'll be there.

Sir: Intelligence

2b. OK, that's not a personality trait. Try again.

TGF: Dammit, why don't you phrase your questions better? Uh, how about the willingness to talk about boobies, both her own and others? ... If that doesn't qualify, I'll say a sense of humor -- and a tolerance for belching and other gross male tendencies that God intended us to have so stop complaining already. ... But I'd like to point out a little-known mathematical fact: 8008135 > everything.

Hack: Sarcastic humor

HMW: that's your opinion, i've seen many asses w/ personalities, but i will humor you: i'm not too picky, i'd just like someone down to earth. they shouldn't be too obsessed over looks or what other people think about them. a little bit is fine on both accounts, but not too much.
a couple others - 1) sense of humor is always good. 2) also i like women who like to do guy things, but has a girly side too. if a woman is too much like a guy, that can actually be a bad thing.

MLM: i don't get it

3. What's your favorite Will Ferrell movie and why?

BH: Anchorman. Makes me laugh 60% of the time...every time.

BS: Anchorman - Ron Burgundy is exactly everything I strive to be as a human being.... I want to be on you.

TGF: Anchorman. As good as his other movies are (Step Brothers debuted strong and could move up the rankings after repeat viewings), Anchorman remains the yardstick by which they are all measured. It reshaped the way I think about octagons and heightened my love of scotch, poetry, and Merlin Olsen. Plus, it's one man's heroic tale of resisting women in their attempt to throw off the chains of oppression. Even though the battle was lost, I have faith that the war can still be won. And I have Ron Burgundy to thank for that.

Hack: Anchorman. Need I say anymore?

HMW: anchorman. it's so quotable, and the rest of the cast was perfect. it would be hard to top this (but possible - keep reading). I'll throw couple more out there: i kind of liked his role in zoolander, especially when it was revealed he invented the piano key tie. blades of glory was surprisingly good. i thought it was going to suck. Also, his cameo in wedding crashers saved the movie for me. hilarious. the one that would top all of these combined would be a harry caray movie. maybe ferrell doing harry caray for 90 minutes would be funnier on paper, as an actual movie may suck, but i think it would be awesome.

MLM: a night at the roxbury

Sir: Anchorman, because it's the only one I've seen

4. Who are your man crushes? (Feel free to attach a second sheet if necessary.)

BH: Pujols, David Wright, Urlacher, Sebastian Janikowski if only for the drinking, partying, and poontangin' aspect.

BS: Derrek Lee, Brandon Phillips, Josh Hamilton, LaDanian Tomlinson, Deron Williams, Lebron James

TGF: In alphabetical order: Albert Pujols, Ric Flair, Josh Hamilton, Henry Rollins, Billy Beane, Will Ferrell, Erik Hashrake, Bill James, Pedro Alvarez, the Mad Librarian, [Editor’s Note: Please. No man has a rack like this.] Aaron Crow, Mick Foley, Triple H, Ian MacKaye, and whoever was the first guy to tell me about Skinemax (thank you for changing my life ... whoever you are)

Hack: Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel, Grover Cleveland Alexander, General William T. Sherman, Charlton Heston

HMW: my self proclaimed "inner circle of friends" are david wright, chase utley, and hanley ramirez. there are a couple others knocking on the door (prince fielder, felix hernandez), but i would do a lot of illegal things for the 3 NL east infielders. and it's even better - by "better" i mean "gayer" - that i have a nickname for them.

pujols is kind of a gimme, and sometimes he's such a man-crush that i'll forget to even mention him.

that said, i'd also do anything for the '06 cardinals. my only regret is that the '04 and '05 teams were way better, but the '06 team has the trophy, so i'm loyal to them. i don't really have many in football, except anyone on the early 90's buffalo bills teams (thurman thomas esp.), or lee evans (a wide receiver on their current team). sadly, i could name off a bunch of poker players that i enjoy watching, but i'm not sure if they are on man crush level yet. also it could be argued that will leitch and tim mckernan are my man-crushes, but i just like what they do, and their websites appeal to people of my age/sex/background/mindset. and last but not least, i will always have a man-crush on The Rock, even if he's out there making bad movies.

MLM: dan marino, mark messier, bo jackson, jake peavy, justin morneau, prince fielder, the rock, albert pujols, aaron harang, roy halladay, grady sizemore, carl crawford, ladainian tomlinson, trivia nights, moving boxes, menthol cigarettes, malt liquor.

old school: bud smith, brent johnson, USSR hockey

Sir: Roy Oswalt, though it might be over for us after this year, Joel Zumaya, Adam Dunn.

5. Why do guys think lesbians are so hot? You get that they don't want to do you, right?

BH:
They don't? We have everything in common; we like cutoff shirts, jerseys, shorts below the knees, football, beer, and chicks.

BS: not all lesbos are hot, butch lesbos are throw-up-in-your mouth disgusting, if you get 2 lovely ladies that want to do to each other what I would like to do to them, that is HOT!

TGF: It's pretty simple, actually. Think about pizza. A pepperoni pizza is good, right? Well, what if you had pepperoni AND sausage? Then it's twice as awesome. Same thing with lesbians -- two hot chicks on a pizza is better than one. And you don't have to do a pizza to enjoy it.

Hack: I have no idea, I just like it. Now, there is a difference between "fantasy lesbianism" and "actual lesbianism." I think most guys are into the fantasy aspect.

HMW: how do you know they don't want me, smartypants? i'll humor you on this one too. i'll approach this in three instances: porn, strip clubs, and real life situations. when it comes to porn, i think it has more to do with us rather seeing two (or more) ladies all over each other, instead of a girl and some d-bag guy. normally the d-bag guys are easy to hate, and you wish they'd just go away. you usually see ghey tribal tattoos, ass sweat, and zoom-in's of their weiners, all while grunting and groaning, taking pleasure in the fact that they bang women for a living. we don't want to see that. in case you forgot, dudes are gross.

in strip clubs, it's about the strippers being shallow and making money. they might actually like fondling other women - hey, that's great. or they might have had a fight with the other girl 10 minutes ago backstage. we don't care, they don't care, they're doing it for the money. and as guys, we commend them for making that decision and entertaining us for a while, so we'll contribute way too much money to put them through college and feed their kid(s).

in real life, lesbians are more mainstream now, but in little ol' st. louis, missouri, it is still pretty taboo. girls kissing each other in public is not something you see every day, so we enjoy it. it says that they are a little freaky and not afraid to try new things (albeit while drunk). in some cases, they aren't strictly lesbian, but probably a little bi-curious, so we've got a chance. honestly i'd say we're 90% sure they don't want to do us, but a 10% chance for us is pretty big. we're hoping that if we get close enough to the action, 10% of the time, we'll be added to the mix, fulfilling our menage a trois fantasy. that's really what it's all about.

MLM: i can't answer this, i've got to do stuff with those things.

Sir: Since you've heard my Peoria story, you now know that they almost want me. I have the right to be delusional about this topic.

6. Is there anything else you want to the world to know about the men of BertFlex?

BH: Who's the gay one or four?

BS: we demmand your respect and hot wings

TGF: Odds are, we smell like you think we do.

Hack: Nope

HMW: we are all wonderful human beings. kind, gentle, caring souls who respect others and accept them for who they are. [Editor’s Note: I call bullshit.]

MLM: they are all jerks.

Sir: Nope, all out of funny for today.

1 comment:

hazelwood's most wanted said...

the winner for wordiest, most rambling answers: me!

nicely done, ML.