HMW: Official Member of the Media, Barely

It was announced yesterday to a select few members of the BertFlex staff that during our little Minor League Baseball road trip this weekend (Me, Librarian, and Sir - going to Quad Cities [Davenport, IA] and Peoria), yours truly will be granted an interview with Cardinals prospect Brett Wallace.

Yes, a real interview. Like I say words to him, hopefully in the form of a question...then he responds, hopefully in the form of an answer (and hopefully not "what the fuck are you talking about?"). This should be an interesting experience, since it is my first dip into the media business. I've gotten too cozy hiding behind my computer, but I'm ready to step out and practice that seerius jurnalism. If you can't tell, I'm really excited about this interview.

It helps that a) I'm a Cardinal fan, b) I'm a prospect dork, and c) I actually own the guy in one of my fantasy baseball leagues! So I have the chance...no the right, to tell him that when he hits the Bigs, he needs to perform well enough for me to win my league's championship!

Okay, so that's question one. What the hell else do I ask? I'm 97% sure this will be my one and only shot, so I might as well go out in a blaze of glory. Let me know if you have any suggestions...

For a little preview of what we're going to see on the field, here is a YouTube clip of Brett "the Hitman" Wallace hitting a bomb into the Tiki Bar at Quad Cities. You can't see the Tiki Bar in the clip, but evidently they have one. I know where the Mad Libarian will be parked at all night.

Bacon Night at the Ballpark

I believe we've carved out a nice little niche for ourselves here. It's safe to say that of all the Cardinals/sports/grabass blogs out there, we are the official bacon experts. Of them all. Seriously.

In two different instances last night, bacon was brought to my attention, as if any bacon news or bacon-related activities could get past me...

The first happened at the classy little party over at the Librarian's house. After sipping on some '79 Merlot (I'm used to Dom, but who's asking), discussing stocks, and putting down minorities (Hack was there, what else would we talk about?), we called up the local Papa John's and ordered up some pizza. The fine ladies and gents who did the ordering just assumed that I would like some Bacon Cheesesticks. Good call on their part. You're probably wondering how they taste.

After eating the Bacon Cheesesticks, I really don't think women are necessary in my life any more. This is all I need: Nintendo, a TV, and Bacon Cheesesticks. I win.

Okay, maybe that's going a little too far, but those things are highly highly recommended. Good call by the Librarian's crew.

The second being an email from friend-of-the-site Pink Ass Ben. He sent me a link for baconsalt.com, a company that sells bacon seasoning. Their motto is "Everything Should Taste Like Bacon."

So naturally, I'm going to see if they are hiring.

The best part is the reviews page. You can send in your own testimonial of Bacon Salt and submit it; maybe they'll put you on their website. I figured this was a hell of an idea, even if I've never tried the stuff. If you email these guys, be sure to copy down what you said in the comments section.

We are the bacon experts, so I assume they're listening.

(Oh yeah, Cardinals won; Carp's back. Whatever.)

Douche Bag Report: Grunting Guy at the Gym Edition

Hey there, chief. I see you in here quite a bit toning those guns, and I must say they’re looking fine. Yeah, I just did 100 squats, thanks for noticing. It’s boring, but it’s my life.

Look, I don’t want to embarrass you anymore than you embarrass yourself, but I have to tell you that your grunting is out of hand. Every time you complete a rep, you punctuate it with an “unh” befitting a member of New Kids on the Block. It’s so loud I hear it over my iPod, which I’ve already cranked up to hearing-damage volume in order to block out the horror that is karaoke spin class next door.

I suspect you think your audio turns the ladies on, and I’ll confess: Every woman at the gym is, in fact, imagining what it’s like to have sex with you when you get noisy. But it’s not turning out so well for you, chief. Your groans aren’t sexy; they’re gross. The thought of your sweaty, rutting self is enough to have us rolling our eyes behind your back and returning to our daydreams of spa pedicures, lakeshore vacations, and boyfriends who do their own laundry.

So do me (and your sex life) a favor, and shut it. Before I shut it for you.

A Classy BertFlex Shindig To-Night (Linx, Stuff, Junk)

There's a private party over at the Librarian's crib later tonight; we're celebrating the big Carp comeback. Because of some favors I owe her, right this second, I'm getting my butler clothes ready to serve hors d'oeuvres and park cars. Looks like a lot of VIP's on the guest list, so I've got to wear my best designer jorts. While I'm doing that, you do this:

-This week's InsideSTL column. If you don't have any jackass trade proposals for the Cardinals, hurry up and read this. And comment. Tell me you love me. You love me, right?

-The Good Face has a column up for The Sporting News. Towards the top, he makes a reference to his sucky year in the Hardcore League. It's funny how he does so well (or at least he claims) in his other fantasy leagues, but when it's time to take on the big boys, he turns into the Washington Generals.

He does know the correct "best things to come out of THE Hazelwood West" rankings, so he's not so bad after all.

-Seeing Eye Strikeout is going well. If you or any of your friends know yur baseball good, we, er...they could use some writers.

-Mizzourah wants to see the Askren Bros. on Monday Night Raw. Any reference to the Rockers' Barbershop incident will be linked here from now on.

-Miss Librarian is amused by the phrase "Ballcock." Wha? Huh? I don't get it...

-Even more blogs from female friends of the site: Lottie (an' it looks loike sheee's in Choina! Oi!) and Melissa. If nothing else, go to the poll at the top of Melissa's blog and flood the votes for bowling!

Good Lord, that's seven links. Nothing new with Annie Fresh. Hope I didn't miss anything.

Time to pick up my dry cleaning. What the heck, here's one more link in hopes Carp regains his old form over the next couple months.

Any questions, comments, concerns, or Who's Shitty Q's: haymang@yahoo.com. Also hit us up on MySpace (www.myspace.com/bertflex) or FaceBook.

Scrappiest RBI Win Evar

I know less than one or two of you will actually be impressed by this, but here is a screen shot of an RBI game I won over the weekend.

Being the RBI Legend that I am, I decided to use the crap-tastic Cardinals against the computer's AL All-Stars. Any normal HMW vs. CPU game is over pretty quickly (insert more Big Head losing his virginity jokes here), but this was one of those 1-in-1000 No Way in Fuckin' Hell games that Nintendos are famous for. It has happened to the best of us, in pretty much every game. Sometimes the Nintendo connects to the NWIFH chip inside the system; you lose - it happens.

Anyway, there I was making a big 7th inning comeback, only to lose it in the bottom half, tie it in the 8th, then get my ass handed to me: the AL hit five bombs in the bottom of the 8th. Instead of getting pissy and hitting the reset button (like some Freshman year RA's would do...or give the controller a good clubberin'), I proceeded to channel my inner Whitey-ball and unload my scrappiness on the AL squad with a barrage of extra base hits, hustle, and intangibles. Lots of intangibles. But seven runs? How sick is that?

I was playing groove ball vs. the computer, and decided to lift that during the 9th. I turned the tables, and there was no way in fuckin' hell I was going to lose a heart breaker like this. Todd Worrell shut the door and it was another win for the good guys.

My RBI resume is pretty impressive, but wins like this build character. Last but not least...why did you read this entire article?

Dig Him Up

Last Friday, The Good Face, the Librarian, and I went out and saw Step Brothers. Hilarious movie, and we highly recommend it...oh, what did you expect me to say?

Anyway, here is a clip from the ESPY's last week that I had been meaning to post. I'm going out on a limb and saying the rest of the ESPY's sucked (didn't watch that crap), but this is quality.




There is also a clip of Ferrell accepting the Male Athlete of the Year award, but just use up the rest of your day and watch all of these.

Ah, My Sweet Bacon

I'd love to have a kick-ass excuse for being absent from BertFlex, LLC* (* pending some legal documents) for the past few days; I wish I could say I was given the first-ever ban from the internet by the FCC. Or I had to spend quality sexy time with Jessica Biel and Megan Fox (who is not shitty, Sir).

Instead my internet decided to melt down. But hey, we're back up and running now, and over the past four days, I've built up a lot of aggression and it's about to come out. The first thing seems fitting for my big "comeback": Bacon Lollipops.

One of the things I was able to do over the weekend was read. You might be shocked that I read once in a while, especially things that aren't on a monitor. But I do read from time to time...okay, I'll quit lying. I was reading a Maxim from last month. And in it was a little blurb about how Bacon Lollipops DO exist and you can buy them from lollyphile.com.

I know you know how awesome this is, but just for good measure, here is the description from Lollyphile:

We feel pretty safe in saying that we're the first people to ever make a bacon-based lollipop. And not just any bacon, either- we use sustainable, organic, cured bacon- we kinda felt that it went well with the pure Vermont maple syrup we were using as a base, you know?

While we admit that it's pretty far from the norm (it's definitely not kosher!), once you make that initial leap of faith and try it out, we're positive that you'll love it. The salty chunks of bacon make a delicious and unique counterpoint to the subtle sweetness of the maple, and oh, yeah- you'll be eating an oh-my-god bacon lollipop!

A perfect gift for the sweet-toothed pork aficionado in your life.

Hey, that's me!

Championship!

For more of our love for all things bacon, click the new Bacon tag below.

Lost: One Non-Seriuzz Journalizzst

Update 7:18 PM. Guess who's bizack? ~HMW

You might have noticed a disturbing lack of action around these parts lately (granted, the non-married B-Flexers are used to a disturbing lack of action). Lord knows that we try to keep you informed about the subjects you care about most (chicks, bacon, etc.) – well, “we” don’t so much as Hazelwood’s Most Wanted does.

And that’s the problem: No one knows where HMW is. After Anthony Reyes got dealt for a pair of my past-their-prime undies, I figured HMW would be all over it with some hardcore analysis the likes of which you usually get from John Hadley or that one guy who looks like a troll (ok, that could describe most seriuzz journalizzsts).

Instead, silence.

So, please, we’re begging you: If you have info on the whereabouts of HMW, please pass them on. We have unconfirmed and totally made up reports of a Buffalo Wild Wings explosion in Olivette, and putting two and two together is just too painful.


Hold on TGF, there will be some pain broughtin' later tonight.

You Can't Spell Gentlemen Without the G

This morning, my homeboy Matzo directed me to the best two minutes of my day. Enjoy it. I'm off to program my TiVo.


Editor's Note: She really did. I seen it. ~HMW

Brett Favre News That ESPN Would Never Put on the Bottom Line

We haven't heard much from our buddy Annie Fresh since she's been living the high life out in Denver. We assume she's doing well, and if you want to be creepy and read about her life, she's got a new post over on her blog. But the reason I'm talking about her today is that a little while ago I noticed she has taken a big step in her life...well at least in the Facebook part of her life.



Removing yourself from that group is long overdue Ann. Good call (even though Madden is pissed at you).

In your face Fav-ruh!

Let me show you my 40 inches of....

New Television! Yes, the legal business has been good for your humble Bert Flex legal reporter. As a result, I purchased a new TV the other night. In celebration, I'll be showing it off Friday at my abode. Brats and Poker are also in the mix as well.

Making It Happen

This will be the title of my next, first, and only book about anything. Good morning to all of you Flexers, Big Sandwich with a rare post to paint a picture of my Saturday night that had to be perfectly executed in order to bring you this nugget of gold. Sir requested I tell the story as though I am the crocodile hunter, via a text from HMW, I will decline such request as it would take away from the storytelling experience. (side note: this story has absolutely nothing to do with anything about sports or bacon, just simply an anecdote my friends can get a good laugh at.)

Saturday evening starts out like clockwork; a text from Jacob calling me a fag and asking me if I will be boozing it up tonite. I call him a hooker and tell him I'm coming over. I pick up a 12 of Miller Lite bottles (side note: I'm boycotting In-Bud or An-Bev because fuck that Belgian monopoly. Later I'm told from Ben that Miller is owned by a South African Brewery, to which I tell him that I'm more African than Belgian; I did win the B-Flex Urban Dictionary Bee!) I show up to Jacob's just in time to watch my Cubs lose 4-1 to the Ass-tros , time to drink that one off I say, as Ben walks in the door from work.

Jacob notices that I haven't shaved tonite and says it looks good and that I should grow it out. Ben promptly calls Jacob and I homosexuals. We discuss important issues of the day such as: the patch of back hair on the lead singer of Lamb of God, how the "What What in my butt" song is an actual song and not made up by Butters of South Park, and how Jacob's friends with the "big knock knock's" are meeting up with us tonite. We leave the house around 10'ish, I am about 6 beers in and feeling ready to go.

We show up at our regular watering hole, The Regal Beagle, and plant ourselves in the last 3 stools left at the outside bar. An hour goes by with us making fun of EVERYONE at the bar, watching bad MMA on Spike, drinking very fast and smoking mentholated cigarettes. I leave to go to the bathroom and come back to find Ben chatting it up with an older woman who is now in my seat. Without hesitation I tell her to get off my stool; she says I can sit on her lap, to which I reply you can sit on my lap. Jacob ends up giving up his stool and now begins my evening with a cougar.

After musical chairs, I realize that Ben might have been laying some groundwork with our cougar friend and now I was sitting in-between them. I turn to him and whispered "I'm sorry dude, did I fuck that up?" [And Pause. This where it gets hazy, I probably was almost a 12 pack in at that point, and being that today is Thursday and this happened Saturday night some stuff fades in and out which will make the story even better. Un-Pause.] Ben say's it's cool; I normally wouldn't give it a second thought but Ben has already bagged a cougar and she proceeded to steal this Illini sweatshirt from him.

She grabs my leg and says "I'm a cougar" followed by "I'm old enough to be your mother". She's drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade which immediately let's me know she's harmless, has bad taste, and wow they still make that stuff?! She proceeds to tell me she's 40 something, has two kids, one who is 26, and she is an ER nurse. Blurry, blurry, blurry, I live in Shipman, blurry, I have a boyfriend. We were not engaged in conversation the entire evening, when I would be talking to friends or waiting for a beer I would notice her being approached by many of Alton/Godfrey's finest male suitors who on more than one occasion would try to swoon our cougar with the always money "You wanna fuck?" I tell her she is a bad cougar and that she should be hitting these assholes up for free drinks.

I throw in some radio stories, she tells me I'm sweet, blurry, blurry, we're making-out. "You are a VERY good kisser" she tells me, followed by the whole old-enough to be your mother line, which is weirding her out, but not me because I'm drunk. (side note: I swear the entire time we were there, which was a good four hours, I only counted maybe 4 drinks total for her.) I give her the whole "age is nothing but a number" line and the "it's the weekend, let's just have fun". Blurry, blurry, making-out, making-out, making-out, blurry, blurry. Let me just say, for a woman her age she was not bad looking or out of shape, which brings us to LAST CALL!

I look around to find all of my friends gone, and me telling her I'd walk her to her car. Next thing we're in the parking lot giving each other a tongue bath, looking back, I bet we we disgusted every single person at the bar. I ask her if she wants to come to my place and she says yes. No sooner we get in the door and clothes start coming off and.......... that is all you pervs are gonna get. She mentioned earlier in the night that she works out, and I believe her. I don't remember, or know, when she left but it was perfect: no last names, no phone number exchange or morning-after awkwardness.

Thus concludes my evening with a cougar, I hope you've enjoyed. I honestly didn't even want to go out that night so I guess I owe a little bit to Jacob and Ben for getting me out of the house. Here is my equation for success: alcoholic friends + don't shave + Miller Lite + mentholated cigarettes + don't be a massive tool + be me = cougar hook-up. Got that? Thanks to Pink Ass Ben for snapping some pics from that night, this is the only one I've seen and now you've seen it too.

My friends are jerks.

Cardinal Blogger Appreciation Month: FutureRedbirds.net

Welcome to the fourth installment of Cardinal Blogger Appreciation Month (BAM!). This time, we'll visit with Erik from FutureRedbirds.net. Before you email me saying how dumb I am, please note that they changed from ".com" to ".net" earlier this month. So I'm still dumb, just for other reasons.

During the past three BAM entries, I've done a good job of sucking up to our interviewees, but being the prospect dork that I am, I honestly love Future Redbirds. Very informative when it comes to Cardinal minor leaguers and the draft, and they do a great job with all that research and hard work that we are allergic to. Some blogs would resort to taking pictures of Jack Clark on their TV screen for a laugh; not these guys.

I threw some of my patented hard-hitting, deep-thinking questions at Erik, and he held his own. I've really been trying to find someone else to talk about my Alex Cole and Brian Barber memories, and I think I found "the one." They ought to make an eHarmony for dorky topics like that. Okay, no they shouldn't. Here's the interview. Enjoy!

1) Token first question: Why did you start blogging about Cardinals prospects?

I had blogged about the Cardinals before but I guess I just felt more like an echo and less of a voice. There are so many good Cardinal blogs out there like Viva El Birdos and Fungoes, and while I liked sharing my 2 cents, it just was hard to be original. I kinda felt like I was back in high school art class, and I'd be looking at my scribbles and feeling pretty good, only to see the person next to me have drawn the Mona Lisa. The Cardinal organization seemed to be wanting to build more from within, and it was something I wanted to learn more about. So I figured what the hey, why not learn more about the minors by blogging about it? No one else really was covering the farm a whole lot. And so Future Redbirds was born.

2) Another BertFlex writer and I did a live blog for this year's draft (even taking half days from work; very hardcore of us). We were shocked when Lance Lynn's name was called by the Cardinals instead of Tim Melville. Would you have taken Tim Melville there in the supplemental round (or 2nd, or 3rd) and paid him the bonus money he was looking for?

It's always fun to play with pretend money. I would've liked him in the later rounds but he still wanted top 15 round money and his lackluster results against high school competition is pretty alarming. Apparently he had hired a private pitching coach before the draft who messed up his delivery, so if I had enough faith in my coaches that they could fix him, than yes, I guess I might take a chance on him. But it's not a slam dunk decision.

3) Here's your chance to call out other members of your site: Who would be the best Major League GM of the five members of FR? Who would you put in charge of a draft?

To give the politically correct answer I think all of them would be a good GM, but if I had to pick one person it would be roarke. He's got a strong professional background that would help him, and I think he's a great listener, a good people person and an eager learner, so he'd be sure to hire people that would compliment his strengths and weaknesses. (Does it sound like I'd fix him up with my sister...if I had a sister?) I'd no doubt hire fewgoodcards to be over the draft, he has a handle on draft prospects better than any one of us. He participates in about every pre-draft mock up he can find on the web, and how he finds some of them is beyond me. In the few that I've seen, his pretend farm systems look a lot better than most teams real ones.

4) As a scrappy youngster, i was always rooting for guys like Craig Wilson and Alex Cole. Who was your favorite Cardinal prospect growing up?

I'm not sure exactly, though I always liked rooting for the guys with the funny names-Esix Snead, Basill Shabazz. I liked Dmitri Young but he reportedly didn't work hard and once punched a guy in the stands for heckling him while he was in the Texas League. Plus he went from being drafted as a shortstop, then moved to third, then left field and eventually first base because of his supreme love for Garlic Fries. And like I said, I love funny names, so it's hard not to root for a guy whose nickname is D'Meathook. He went from being a supreme athlete to D'Meathook in a Cardinal jersey, something I'm quite proud of.

5) Enough of the serious journalism questions. What was going through Brian Barber's mind when this photo was taken?

That's a great photo! I think Barber is imagining he is weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.

6) What headline would you rather see in tomorrow's paper: "Drunken Rays GM deals Price, Longoria to Cards for Mulder, Reyes, and Cody McKay" or "Future Redbirds writer stranded on island with Johansson, Biel; urges you not to help." I'm ashamed to admit what my answer would be, how about you?

I'd rather have the Rays GM loses his mind headline. Helps me more in the long term as a fan, and as a family man I have a pretty nifty wife that keeps me happy at home, and would like to keep it that way.


Thanks again to Erik for helping us out!

Just Sayin'

Is it just me, or does Pat Parris look a little more orange and bi-curious with each passing day?

(Yes, I'm kicking it HMW style with photos of my TV screen.  And yes, that's making me question my life.)

The WNBA: Even the Brawls Are Boring

Techno Bowl (Linx/Stuff/Junk)

It must have been Techno Night at the ballpark last night - I'm still trying to get the Oonce! Oonce! Oonce! out of my ears. In the meantime, enjoy these fresh beats:

-This week's insideSTL column. It may look familiar.

-Saturday's special edition of HMW on iSTL. If you weren't paying attention this weekend, check it out. How did I get that much writing done? Let's just say I had some help from a little magic box.

-Big things are happenin' over at Mizzourah. They've got advertisements. They've got a new writer. They've got some jerk making fun of kansas douchebags. I bet Big Head's bangin' em two at a time now. Must be nice.

-The BertFlex spinoff, Seeing Eye Strikeout is up and running. The cupboard is a little bare now (four posts so far), but all quality material. Plus a ginormous picture of Rob Deer. So far, so good.

-The Mad Librarian has a couple new posts up at OMG, I'm So Awesome. She even shows off her popped collar. She's the fuckin' man, and everyone should know it.

-Also, new pictures are up in the photo gallery (my Springfield trip, the Urban Dictionary Bee, and some Guitar Hero/RBI Baseball action shots from a couple weeks ago).

Any questions, comments, concerns, or Who's Shitty Q's: haymang@yahoo.com. Also hit us up on MySpace (www.myspace.com/bertflex) or FaceBook.

The Greatest Cardinal Living Legend

If there are two things I love (in addition to poetry and scotch), they are (1) questions that really have no right answer and (2) questions that really have no right answer but still inspire fierce, stupid debate on sportstalk radio. One such question occurred to me this morning while taking my monthly shower:

Who is the greatest St. Louis Cardinals living legend?

Some candidates immediately came to mind:

1. Stan Musial – He’s in the discussion any time you’re talking about “greatest living” anything. He loses points due to the harmonica playing – what Neil Young was to grunge, Stan Musial is to Blues Traveler.
2. Albert Pujols – You’ve read this site, right? You know that we have a total woodrow for the guy. Plus, he’s got baby Jesus on speed dial.
3. Ozzie Smith – Go crazy, folks! The only St. Louis Cardinal of the modern era to win 13 Gold Gloves and fall into the Springfield Mystery Spot. He gains 10 points for his ongoing feud with Tony LaRussa.
4. Fernando Tatis – Granted, he’s a dark horse. But two grand slams in one inning? Are you effing kidding me?
5. Larry Zbyszko – If Nando Tatties is a dark horse, Larry Nabisco is a black hole. But it seemed wrong to discuss living legends without at least dropping his name.

The Suck Store Called

In a stunning turn of events, the Cardinals bullpen lost a game last night. Shocking news, I know. Although most of the blame could be put on TLR for leaving Kyle Lohse in there through the eighth inning. Not like it was dumb to let him face Rickie Weeks...I remember in the olden days (before 7pm Monday) when Weeks was a .216 hitter. That was back when Estelle Getty was still alive (too soon?). I guess I'll be leaving the McClellan t-shirt jersey in the closet for a while until all this sucking dies down.

Besides blaming LaRussa, some of the blame could be placed on myself and the Mad Librarian. Since the domination trip in Kansas City, the ML and I have witnessed some shitty Cardinal games together: the 11-1 drubbing vs. the Mets (in her fancy 100 level seats), the "game that never happened pt. 2" in Pittsburgh (on her couch...alone together...with Barry White music in the background), and last nights' let's-blow-this-three-run-lead-to-the-team-we're-tied-with fiasco.

It's safe to say that the Librarian and I are like Harry Caray and Mother Theresa...who are like oil and water; just don't mix.

She did get to experience how to get into the park with a May 18th ticket on July 22nd. That's always fun to show off to the newbies. And how does she repay the Cardinals? Scrapes up the paint on the rail we were leaning on during the game! They trust people to come in there and treat the place with respect, and this is what she does. Unbelievable.

Though I'm not sure where she ended up. Last I saw, she was talking to a middle-aged gentleman with a mustache, jorts, and half a bottle of Polo Sport doused on his neck. He was breaking out his top notch material and next thing you know, I have to hitch a ride back to my car in Clayton. (I never knew the line, "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?" actually works on some women. Did. Not. Know that.)

The most important lesson of the night is that we are still owed two Jeff Suppan jerseys by Sir. He knows why, and what he needs to do to rectify the situation. My message is clear.

Finally, speaking of jerseys, who knew they made Mike Busby Royals jerseys...except for Mike Busby himself? Gross.

Edit: Steve Busby. Who the flip is that? I must don't know nothin' about my Royals history.

Jack Clark Click-Clacks it to the Buffet Line

I don't think Under Armor endorses the same training techniques that Jack does. Word on the street is that Bernie Mickelson will be wearing a 7XL Nike DriFIT sleeveless T tomorrow night.

The rivalry begins.

(For even worse pictures of my tv screen, I almost forgot about this post back in '06)

Serious Journalism Alert!

So apparently our buddy Buzz Bissinger was also at the College World Series and, like Big Head, had a little trouble with the security guards. Lucky for us, Big Head's dust-up didn't involve blood...

...what happened when I tried to bring my camera into Rosenblatt to take pictures of my sons our last night there. I had done so the three previous games by dutifully showing my camera bag to security and was whisked through each time without a whimper. But the fourth time around, I was suddenly told by a security official that I had professional grade equipment and the N.C.A.A. does not allow such equipment into the games, presumably on the basis that I would take pictures and then try to sell them (no offense to my kids, but I don’t think they have much value on the open market).

I have a nice camera and some nice lenses, but they are not professional grade, nor am I a professional photographer. I tried to explain this. Blank stare. I tried to explain that I had no intention of shooting pictures of any of the players. Blank stare. I tried to explain that the pictures were for personal use only. Blank stare. I offered to let security officials keep the camera until the game was over so I could accompany my sons inside. Blank stare. I asked why had I already been allowed to enter the stadium three previous occasions with my camera. The answer back was that the enforcement of the N.C.A.A. rule had been lax. What rule? I didn’t see it posted anywhere.

An argument ensued, and I openly admit it got heated. An N.C.A.A. official in an orange shirt was called over. He had one of those little faces born in contempt, and he wasn’t happy. He curtly told me to take my camera bag back to my car. I told him I didn’t have a car since I was staying at a hotel on the Iowa side of the Missouri River and had gotten to the games by shuttle. He told me to go back to the hotel. I told him I would miss most of the game if I had go back to the hotel, not to mention the fact I was there with my sons. More heated argument ensued. More security officials arrived, excitedly smelling the scent of action. Camera alert! Camera alert! More argument. One of them got into my face. I got into his face. He pushed into my body. I pushed into his body.

I do not recommend this.

Roughly half a dozen security officials tackled me and threw me face first into the concrete, causing an ugly gash on my leg and a silver dollar-sized bruise on my arm. My glasses broke. One put me in a chokehold while another handcuffed me, all of it occurring in front of my three sons. They were traumatized. I was traumatized. Over a camera. At a sporting event, a college sporting event that likes to think of itself as the ultimate family affair.

I was told I was permanently banned from Rosenblatt. I was threatened with arrest. The gash in my leg was bleeding, a matter of concern because I am on the blood thinner coumadin (the result of recent five-hour reconstructive surgery for a clot in my leg) and one of the side effects of the drug can be unchecked bleeding.

Wow Buzz, I'm impressed. It doesn't sound at all like you're an asshole media member with a sense of entitlement or anything. Oh, wait, yes it does. How big of a douche do you have to be to get roughed up and cuffed at the College World Series? As the photo gallery can attest, we witnessed plenty of douches in Omaha that week and none of them felt the fist at the end of the long arm of the law. Congratulations Mr. Bissinger, you have received my vote for "Dickhead of the Year" for this incredibly ridiculous event.

And to use a particular turn of phrase that you seem to have popularised with the kids, "Frankly, I think you're full of shit."

Buzz Bissinger Gets His Ass Kicked At Rosenblatt (nytimes.com)

Invading Sign Guy Country: The Weekend in Springfield

Over the weekend I packed up the BertFlex Cruiser (boom!) and made a little road trip to Springfield, the Missuruh version. This was my big summer vacation, so I had to make the most of it by including some Minor League action. No, not the IV Play Cabaret on Glenstone Ave, I'm talking about the Cardinals AA team, the Springfield Cardinals (really creative nickname, huh).

Friday night's game featured a matchup of decent pitching prospects, the Cardinals' Jess Todd and the NW Arkansas Naturals' (Royals affiliate) Daniel Cortes. I didn't see Sign Guy around anywhere, but I will expect a "Big JESS TODD & the Monsters" sign in a couple years at Busch. Cortes got rocked, so he'll fit right in the Kansas City rotation. Or it's back to rock 'n jock, one of the two.



In the fifth inning, Cardinals SS Tyler Greene (who I really like after seeing him in two games) hit a home run to get everyone $1 custards at Andy's Frozen Custard. Thanks Tyler, appreciate it!








I usually enjoy Minor League parks, and this was no exception. Hammons Field was pretty nice; they had decent sized crowds, but we could sit behind home plate both nights with cheap general admission tickets. And if you wanted, Domino's would deliver pizzas right to your seat. The Cardinals ended up winning this game 6-0. That brought my season record vs. the Royals organization to a perfect 3-0.





Saturday included a couple tourist stops, the first being Fantastic Caverns. I wasn't going to mention it until I saw this sign walking out the door:




Any place with Hood Rich architects is worth the price of admission. The Lil' Jon section of the cave was breathtaking.

Then it was over to Wilson's Creek National Battlefield, to learn some knowledge about the Civil War battle fought there (Confederate victory; Robert E. Lee was dealing that day). It was nice and all until I found this: a deck of "Generals of the Confederate Army" poker cards. If not for the steep price tag, I would have bought them and donated them to Hack, because of his obvious ties to the Confederate Army, and his love for poker.

On to Saturday night - game two of the Cardinals/Naturals series, this time with another Topps future star on the hill: Adam Ottavino. Like Todd the night before, it didn't seem like Ottavino was pitching that well, but he got out of every jam, and the Cardinals ended up wrecking the young Royals 13-2. Also, that's a clean 4-0 sweep of HMW vs. the Royals org this year. As a side note, Chris Carpenter made his first rehab start since Tommy John surgery, and threw four scoreless innings (box here). If it wouldn't have been a Sunday night game (was ESPN9 showing this?), I would have been there to give you guys the full report. See you in a few weeks, Carp.

After a quick sausage, biscuits, and french toast breakfast at the Drury on Sunday morning (yup, the BertFlex budget has been obliterated for the 08/09 fiscal year), the mad dash back to St. Louis got me home in about three hours. This was a pretty fun trip, especially since it's been about 10 years since I last saw some Cardinal Minor League baseball. There are rumblings about a Quad Cities trip in the near future, so you'll have to stay tuned.

Oh, and just to make the Mad Librarian cringe, here is Louie, Springfield's mascot. He's in front of the Pop Warner fan club, which is gross.

Google Image Find of the Week

I figured I owed our (hetero) male readers some payback after the ladies got all that eye candy last week. You're welcome. Just between you and me, though, I'm not sure this girl actually plays baseball. 

Next Up for Some Act Right Juice: Lady Good Face

So Sweetcheeks and I are watching a little Sunday afternoon baseball, and up strolls Jason Giambi to the plate.

"Oh. My. God," Lady Face said. "That thing is horrible!"

That "thing" was Mr. Giambi's mustache, which has taken on a life of its own, much like Oscar Gamble's Afro or Brian Fantana's left teste. I tried to patiently explain that, no, mustaches aren't just for porn stars anymore. I even reminded her that Papa Good Face has been rockin' a soup-strainer since the Nixon administration, but to no avail.

"Well, here's the bottom line," I said. "The mustache is Merkah. From Theodore Roosevelt to Wilford Brimley to Ron Jeremy, great Merkans have sported the dirtlip. And if you don't appreciate that, you don't appreciate Merka."

As always, she admitted that I was right and that she had been terribly misguided. That's what estrogen'll do, I guess.

Anyway, to learn more about how you can better love freedom, visit the Mustache Hall of Fame.

Douche Bag Report: Clayton Man Whore Edition

My friend girls and I hit Clayton on a Saturday night, and all we got was this fucking awesome photograph:

We're lucky we didn't contract the clap.

P.S.  HMW, don't you have the same D&G baseball cap?

P.P.S.  To get this photograph, I told the douches that I write for a fashion blog and wanted a pic of righthand douche rocking Michael Jackson's those totally awesome shoes.  Yup.

My New Sawx Jersey

Apparently it's Video Week here at Bert Flex. For all you "My New Haircut" fans out there, this one's for you.

Wifflebawwwlin

Cause you aren't this guy.

Cracker, Please

I rolled into the BertFlex offices this morning jonesing for something -- a fistfight, a 40, salty snacks -- to take my mind off last night's 15-inning marathon of all-star suckitude. The Good Face was just cocking around as per usual, so I sent him to QT for sugar-free Red Bull and pineapple Now and Laters. Like the fuck-up he is, he comes back with Rap Snacks instead.

You play with my money, you play with my emotions, TGF. Turns out, though: If Southern Crunk Barbecue chips don't make it better, it's not broke.

Cardinal Blogger Appreciation Month: BugsAndCranks.com

It is week three of BAM! already, and we're going in a slightly different direction for our Cardinal Blogger this week: a female. Yes guys, women appear on sites not called YouPorn and RedTube, I know it's hard to believe.

This week's guest is Andrea Reiher, one of the Cardinal writers from BugsAndCranks.com, as well as Ladies..., and she even has a blog of her own. She's really working hard - we ought to try that some day.

What's the best part about Andrea? I like her sense of humor, I like her writing style, and I like any woman who's a Cardinal fan. But above all that, I'm very impressed with her undefeated record in bar fights (you'll read about this below). Now that's what I'm talking about!

When I emailed Andrea about doing this interview, I was fully confident that she wouldn't disappoint. I think you'll be pleased. Here is our email one-on-one with Lady Andrea:

1) Why did you start blogging about the Cardinals?

I started blogging about the Cards because Bugs & Cranks let me. I was brought in as a "Clubhouse" writer, which meant I didn't have a team and could write about anything. Recently the site has decided to have more than one writer per team, especially the big market teams, so I got to start officially covering Cardinals stuff. They're my team, so it's a fun thing to write about that I'm very interested in.

2) What are your other favorite sites or blogs?

I got my start in the world of sports blogs on Deadspin. There was a piece done in its first couple months of existence that was about Brady Quinn and it got forwarded to a bunch of my friends at Notre Dame law. I discovered it was a pretty cool site and it's been all downhill from there. As for other sports blogs, I enjoy a lot of different ones, but the ones I check regularly are Hugging Harold Reynolds, Viva El Birdos, and Cardinals Diaspora. The other stuff I generally just see when Deadspin links to it. Deadspin is really my home base of blogging.

As far as non-sporting blogs, I discovered Television Without Pity and Zap 2 It a couple years ago. They both have TV-related content, but TWoP is more heavily recaps of TV shows and Zap 2 It is more newsy, though there is overlap. Both are excellent. I recently started writing for Zap 2 It, actually, which is awesome. It's like suddenly if your favorite band asked you to tour with them. I really like it so far.

3) No one can accuse us of sexism - we have two females on staff (racism, yes...but no way in hell we're sexist!). Blogging, or blogging about the Cardinals at least, seems to be a male-dominated field. Do you ever feel like a tiny buoy of reason awash in a sea of testosterone and BBQ sauce?

I wouldn't say "buoy of reason" because men can be perfectly reasonable. It is male-dominated, but I've always gravitated towards having male friends and hanging out with guys more than girls, so it's not weird. It'd be cool to see more female bloggers, but I don't want them just for the sake of having them. They have to be good. Same goes for guys. There are good female writers and not-so-good female writers; there are good male writers and not-so-good male writers. It's just about quality writing, insight and content.

4) Where do you watch the Cardinals? Do you prefer to watch from a bar, the comforts of your living room, or are you a go-to-the-games kind of girl?

If I lived in St. Louis, I would attend as many games as I could afford. Last summer, when the Cardinals started heating up I just decided I was sick of watching games on TV, so I bought 1 ticket for each of a Saturday doubleheader and Sunday day game, hopped in the car at 6 am Saturday morning and drove from Grand Rapids, MI to St. Louis. I slept on the couch of a Deadspin commenter whom I had never met before and we went to the two Saturday games together. It was great.

Since I don't live in St. Louis, I try to watch as many games as I can on TV. I like going to a bar, so sometimes I'll do that even if I have to go alone, but it's also nice to stay at home and watch with my dad (he's a Cards fan too) and my mom hangs right in there, asking good questions and stuff (she's not quite as into baseball as we are).

Two summers ago I studied in London and I bought MLB.tv so I could watch games. With the time difference, I could go out on the town, drink a little, go to a club, whatever, and then come home to the dorm we were housed in and watch games at 2 am. It was awesome. I didn't get much sleep that summer.

5) I've heard many women say they despise the pink Cardinals shirts/jerseys because pink is not the team's color. Discuss.

I have no ill-will towards pink gear in general. My St. Louis hat, that I have just about worn out, is pink. It was a gift from my grandpa and I think he probably thought to himself, "Andrea likes the Cardinals and girls like pink, so this is perfect." It was a very sweet, grandpa-y thing to do.

It's annoying that marketing people think that that's the ONLY gear a female fan might want. It used to be I could either buy a men's red Cardinals shirt that looked like jammies, or a pink shirt that looked like it had been attacked by my elementary school art teacher and her Bedazzler (she really had one). I am finally starting to see women's apparel in team colors, which is nice.

I also don't think you can just assume pink apparel = no knowledge of the game. I know girls who like sports who also just really like pink girlie crap. I also know girls who wear the traditional apparel who don't know jack about the sport, so it just depends. I say wear what you like. And if you love sports, great. And if you don't, that's fine too. What I find more annoying than all those things is a girl who feigns sports interest/knowledge for attention. I quite enjoy exposing their ignorance.

6) A couple months ago for insideSTL.com I did a research project about how ladies love Yadier Molina. As a female, give us your take on the Cardinals catcher

I remember that piece, actually. I was in total agreement. The Cards shirt I am currently wearing is a Molina jersey shirt. First off, he has an adorable face. Secondly, I love the way he goofs around with Albert Pujols. It's almost like we've got this monster leader figure with Albert and then he's cutie smiley little brother. Thirdly, he's amazing at what he does. Catching is hard. I caught one game of softball my entire career and I think my left knee has yet to fully recover. Finally, catchers in general are the hottest baseball players (to me). The gear, the backwards hat, the eye black, taking a full-on charge at the plate, calling the game, keeping a pitcher out of his head, gunning someone down at 2nd base. It's a bad-ass position.

7) Hypothetical question: look deep into the future, say 2009. Human cloning has become legal, only on the condition that Mike Shannon is the only person who could be cloned. How do you think this would effect society, and what would we do with all those Shannon clones?

Not having lived in St. Louis, I don't actually have strong feelings for Mike Shannon one way or the other. I enjoy his speaking voice.

8) Because of our ultra-nerdness, we love anything related to baseball cards of the 80s and 90s, thus we appreciate your Flashback Humor articles. Are you teasing us with baseball cards you found on a Google image search, or were you a big collector back in the day? All your credibility is riding on this one question. No pressure.

You seriously like those posts? That's awesome! I dropped the ball last week because my cards got put away and I couldn't find them and then suddenly it was the weekend and I had to work. Anyway, I'll do two this week just for you guys! The cards are actually from 3 whole boxes of minor league cards that I found in an antique store last fall. They were completely unopened full boxes, one from 1988, one from 1992 and one from 1994 and I thought minor league cards are pretty unusual, so I bought all 3 boxes and just waded through them, picking out guys I recognized or whose name rang a vague bell.

Thanks to The Good Face for sending in Q's 9 and 10. Like I couldn't have come up with this...

9) Besides gross t-shirt jerseys, what do you look for in a male Cardinals fan?

Well, this is a good post about how to win me over. And to be honest, I look for the same thing in all guys, Cards fan or not. Someone who challenges my intellect and makes me laugh will get very far with me. I've even met guys who initially I wasn't attracted to, but they were smart and incredibly funny and I ended up really liked them. Sports knowledge and fandome is important, but it doesn't have to be my sports or my teams. He just needs to be able to understand my passion for sports.

Good manners are important, I get really upset with rudeness. Not just pleases and thank yous, but also calling me when you said you'd call or not talking down to me, especially in front of other people. I also don't like to play games. If you like me, tell me you like me and we'll hang out. No big deal. Witty banter is fun. Ability to quote Ghostbusters, Jaws and Top Gun is cool. Someone who would cuddle up and watch 6 straight hours of the West Wing or The Office is nice. Even more obscure pop culture references are a definite plus.

I also need a guy who can appreciate the arts. That can be hard to find in a big sports guy, but I really like to sing, act in plays and go to museums, and I would like to encourage my kids to participate in the arts. I can't have a guy who is super into sports and would be really mean and disappointed in his son if he wanted to, say, play the trumpet in marching band instead of play football. This is actually really important to me because there is nothing "wrong" with choosing one activity or another. Do what you enjoy, you know?

10) Do you think you could take Brad Thompson in a fight?

Absolutely. I've been in two bar fights and I won them both. Both guys bled from the nose and were kicked out of the bar. Brad Thompson doesn't seem particularly tough. Wainwright would be tough. He's got that long reach, like Lincoln.


Thanks again to Andrea for helping us out!

Some Sweet Jumps

What are you gonna write about today, HMW?

Whatever I feel like...Gosh!

-This week's insideSTL article is about the eight best power hitters in video game history. If there were some kind of supercomputer that could gather all of those virtual sluggers, it would truly be a mashious experience, especially when your head explodes from so much baseball destruction. Also, the world has been exposed to Mount Crushmore. The legend of Deer continues.

-Speaking of video games, Big Head is pumped about the release of NCAA '09. On Mizzourah, he talks about the big tournament coming up on Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Last time I checked, treadhead seats were TEN BUCKS!

-First we had the Annie Fresh spin-off, now the Mad Librarian has her first post up on OMG, I'm So Awesome. Excellent first post, even if it is three lines. I like the way you think, Librarian. But, hey guys, lean in here...what's with these women with their own blogs? First they'll want to blog about their life. Then they'll want to vote. Then - and here's where we draw the line - they'll want equal pay! Let's fight this crap until...Oh, a porn email! Hold on...

That's What She Said

Home Run Derby Oh Eight Live-Blog

What up kids, HMW here getting pumped up for tonight's Home Run Derby. We'll be live-blogging it in a few hours, but here's your chance to get your predictions out in the open!

It doesn't even have to be about baseball; for example, feel free to give some predictions on how rowdy HMW and The Good Face (pictured - hanging out over the weekend) get during the coverage. With all that pizza and grape soda, things are bound to get out of hand. I'll say it right now - the cops will probably get called three times to settle things down.

See you soon, broskie's.

7:00 p.m. Mrs. Good Face has stolen the remote and is trying to make us watch "Friends." She's about to lose privileges. -- TGF

7:01 p.m. Oh, crap. Three Doors Down is playing. Maybe we should watch "Friends." -- TGF

7:03 p.m. Is is too late to change my prediction? Eric Young, he of "Souvenir City" fame, also thinks Pants Jerkman will win this mashfest. ... Sweet, 3DD is done. Let's start rakin'. -- TGF

7:05 Breaking news: HMW had a run-in with a hottie and took a printer off her hands. That's how we roll. But did she look as good as Erin Andrews? -- TGF

7:09 We've traded Eric Young for Rick Reilly at the BBTN set. Upgrade? - TGF

7:11 Back to HMW - I bought a printer/copier/scanner earlier tonight from an attractive young lady. Now I'm eating some Rally's (proving Librarian wrong...well, so far). Been a good day.

7:14 Sir chimes in via text: "Rick Reilly on the call? That's worse than awful. Glad the sound is off at Hooters." Nice work Sir.

7:15 Another text by Sir: "These unis are putrid too. How do you screw up black, white and gray? Pull. Over."

7:16 Okay, Sir is taking over. One more (in response to the Jeter/Erin Andrews conversation): "Erin Andrews was just impregnated by that conversation."

7:19 Finally back to the stars of the show: me and Good Face. I was in the middle of taking a screen shot of Erin Andrews, but Sir kept interrupting with his damn texts. Keep em coming Sir, but bad timing on that one.

7:21 Dan Thuggla is up, being pitched to by Mike "Leggo My" Gallego, per Chris Berman. Where's the mute button, I'm tired of this already.

7:22 First swing=bomb. Not bad.

7:23 Sir again: "There's a black dude two tables down with a hat that says 'Highly Edumacated.'"

7:26 Already had to use the seven second delay, after Uggla popped one out and groaned, "Ah Shit!"

7:27 Thuggla done at six. He's the leader in the clubhouse, according to Boomer. Thanks for letting us know, Captain Obvious.

7:28 Joe Morgan is talking about Uggla's powerful legs. He's no Brett "the Hitman" Wallace. Oh! New text from Sir, breaking it down: "Did that hit the booth? Nice show. Couple of tape measure bombs. Respect."

7:30 Grady's Lady's is up. Two HR's to start. Let's talk about his legs too.

7:31 According to the Good Face, it's like there's 20 Chris Duncans out there shagging balls.

7:32 The Lovely Erin interviews Big Papi: Evedy Gang! Evedy Gang!

7:33 Only took TGF 15 minutes to say "Shut up Joe (Morgan)!" 'Nother text from Sir: "Holy Shit - Hope you brought your glove upper deck." Grady's putting on a show, lots of tape measure shots. Six total. Tie in the clubhouse Berman!! What are we gonna dooooo!!!???

7:40 Longoria is up. TGF and I are drooling. Another text from Sir re: the commercial break, "Judging from that X-Files commercial, Gillian Anderson has not aged well."

7:44 E-Long ends with three. He says, "I was yankin' too much." Been there before brotha.

7:46 Chase Butley time. I'm passing this off to TGF, gotta concentrate.

7:47 HMW is getting his calories on with another sourdough deathfest from Rally's. You gotta eat.

7:49 The shaggin' kids (that doesn't sound right) are hanging in well against Utley's line drives. So, really, they're nothing like Chris Duncan at all. -- TGF

7:52 Five for Utley. He's my pick for fewest homers after the All-Star break. Pants is up next. ... The Jimmy Rollins/Scott Van Pelt commercial gets five thumbs up from me. Also, the MLB Network starts on January 1, 2009. So if you need me, that's where I'll be. -- TGF

7:55 Sir breaks it down: Utley not impressive, but OK for a line-drive hitter. Bold prediction time: Longoria will win one of these before he's done. He's a lumberjack. -- TGF

7:59 Text from Sir: Jamie Quirk is funsta get blasted on right herr (pitching to Pants). -- TGF

8:00 Rick Reilly's even less entertaining than we are. -- TGF

8:02 Eight from the Jerkman. Jamie Quirk did indeed get blasted. It's as if Sir has the power of prognostication. -- TGF

8:03 Big Head is working and mashing. He sez Rick Reilly looks like he could eat an apple through a fence. Hire a writer to talk? Terrwibble.

8:05 Also Big Head just saw Josh Hamilton checking his beeper.

8:09 Rick Reilly is sealing his fate for this being "Rick Reilly's only Home Run Derby appearance" after complaining about no black guys, including Pujols, Abreu, Manny, and Ortiz. Black guys...yeah. I wish we could have seen Karl Ravech's uncomfortable-ness on screen. (Edit: They even kicked EY off the BBTN set to bring in Reilly. -- TGF)

8:10 Finally - a John Kruk one-ball reference. Well done by TGF.

8:17 Peter Gammons dogging people who vote for the ASG at the ballpark, instead giving props to those of us on the Intrawebs. That's a bold strategy, Cotton. -- TGF

8:18 Text from Sir (re: Braun): His agent is throwing to him? He must not trust those evil Gentiles to pitch to him.

8:20 Jah Slowness has been on the phone with us for 15 minutes. He could be here by now. I'm calling jobber, for one night at least. -- JGF

8:21 After a slow start, Braun finishes with a very respectable seven. Good thing I traded him in the Worst Deal Ever. ... For the record, Slowness likes Canadian Bacon for the win. In fact, he's in for a dollar. That's a lot of money. -- TGF

8:24 Not only do we have HRD going, but we've got RAW during the commercial breaks. Yep, this place is swarming with chicks. -- TGF

8:30 Jeebus, Josh Hamilton. Per Joe Morgan's instructions, keep hitting 'em on the "meat swat." -- TGF

8:31 Big Sandwich sez: Josh Hamilton boompow. Sir sez: Yeah, this arm has tats! Cuz I hit 500-foot bombs and everyone should know it!

8:32 Edinson Volquez wants his title match right now! He just put the Money in the Bank briefcase on home plate. -- TGF

8:33 Controversy! A fan just pulled one over. Does that count?

8:34 Earl Hebner says nay-no. ... I said Jeffrey Maier (sp?) before Chris Berman!!1!1 -- TGF

8:35 According to Reilly, Hamilton used to go to the batting cages during his Dark Ages. So there is hope for all of us. -- TGF

8:38 IAN KINSLER SIGHTING!!! M-I-Z!!! -- TGF

8:40 Kinsler said Hamilton will be going for the black stuff soon (referring to the center field section of Jankee Stadium). My reaction: Then time for the white stuff!! That's why I am the best.

8:43 Up to 23 bombs now. Best round ever. Kids falling down in center field, beating each other up for balls. Ortiz getting booed, Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs!

8:45 I just called TGF "the Joe Morgan of this live blog."

8:45 Let's catch up w/ my text messages: 1) This is epic (sir); 2) Holy Hamilton (friend of the site K-Bo; 3) That's it, I'm starting a coke habit tomorrow (sir). Hilarious.

8:46 "The only way a black guy gets on the field is by tresspassing" -TGF said this. I'm not sure why, but that wins. Three beautiful quotes in two minutes. Good effort guys.

8:48 Hamilton is finally done with 28! Good God Almighty, somebody stop the damn match!

9:06 What we've missed in the last 18 minutes while we experienced Interwebs problems and technical difficulties: a bunch of Reggie Jackson and Rick Reilly. You're welcome. -- TGF

9:07 You know why A-Rod isn't doing the HRD, Rick Reilly? Because he heard you were going to be there. That's why I turned down the invite, too. -- TGF

9:08 You heard it here first: Josh Hamilton has RUINED the HRD. Or at least John Kruk thinks so.

9:10 Sir is watching this awesomeness at his local Hooters. We're asking for some hard-hitting Hooters analysis. We'll report back later. Although, really, watching Jerkman bat is almost like being at Hooters, he just doesn't have the shorts on. -- TGF

9:14 Rick Reilly is the worst idea ever. He said "it's a lousy night to be an atheist." Looks like we're gonna talk about Josh Hamilton for the rest of the night. Unless some Brett Favre news comes in. Then they'll cancel the Home Run Derby.

9:15 This little break (ie. watching "the other guys" bat) reminds me of a WWF house show earlier this decade. Hollywood Matt and I went to the concession stand during a crap match. The line was pretty long, so we were still waiting when the match concluded. We were like "hurry up hurry up, the next match is starting!" All of a sudden we heard the theme music "Weellll it's the Big Shoooowwww!" Ah, fuck it...never mind; take your time guys.

9:20 Sorry, playing with the site meter. We're the #2 link when you google "Rick Reilly racist home run derby" over thebiglead.com and espn.com. Mmm mmm bitch!

9:21 Big Head text: "The look on Braun's face looks like he just hopped out of a trunk after he was abducted. Wtf?" He followed that up with, "Or he was partying Josh Hamilton style circa '01 last night."

9:22 Oh hey, Hamilton is back up. Berman is complaining that Hamilton should hit with only the charity gold balls. Hey Boomer, why don't you donate money and shut the F up?

9:25 The finals! Morneau! Hamilton! Comin' up neeexxxttt!!

9:33 We had to sit through some silly Call The Shot thing. Double Fail.

9:36 Some borderline racist comments about Joe Morgan were made here. Did you know he played for the '75 Reds? They called them the Big Red Machine, did you know that?

9:39 Morneau is doing poopily. 5 bombs total. This shouldn't take long. Hamilton ought to bunt the first 7 pitches.

9:40 Sir's analysis on his Hooters trip: "Just left Hooters and the chick with the largest rack was half Asian. I've never seen that before. Waitress was solid but, shocking I know, didn't flirt with me. She was too busy chatting up the old guys with the pitchers of beer. Funniest part: at the bottom of my receipt it said 'you have been served by Whitney.' I was going to ask her if it was on."

9:41 Librarian is finally done with class. Her text: "Rally's huh? You celebrating a raise or sumpin' big time?" 2 for $4 heart attack special, baby!

9:50 Three bombs through seven outs. Drama!

9:52 Game over. Hamilton chokes. Maltliquorman wins his own dollar. I called Morneau the darkhorse earlier. I'm cool too guys! Look at me!

9:53 Big Head text: "Hamilton's final round is a bigger letdown than when I lost my virginity."

10:00 I think that's all from us now. It's time to watch the Raw main event and the celebrity softball game. All concentration should be focused towards the television right now. Hope you enjoyed our live blog. But like everyone else, we pretty much mailed it in after Hamilton's Mashion Show.

Sir wants you all to vote on what your favorite text was. Do that shit.

Good night ladies and gents.

The Weekend that Never Happened

I was talking to Sir a little while ago and said that this entire weekend in Pittsburgh is pretty comparable to the infamous "Game That Never Happened" in Cincy back in '01. Sir and Maltliquorman are the only ones who know what I'm talking about, but long story short: the Cardinals blew like six leads in one game to the Reds, and lost on a walk-off bomb. I really don't want to look up who hit it because I know it's gross, and I don't want to do that to my stomach. The best part about that night is the "Andy Benes Special," which you'll just have to ask me about someday. Here's a recap of the weekend:

Friday night...I seriously don't remember a thing. I don't know if it's my oldness kicking in, because I think I did something (ie. not passing out on the couch after work), but I really don't remember. So this day is easy to say that it never happened.

Saturday night's game was pretty similar, because I'm sitting there (over at the Librarian's crib...start your rumors now), thinking how unreal this is - following each God-forsaken Pirate home run. So we're going to pretend like that game never happened, okay?

Sunday was also mind-boggling in the fact that Aaron Miles had a home run and five RBIs. Once again, never happened.

So I'm glad that's out in the open now and we can move on to tomorrow: Home Run Derby. It'll be hard not to remember anything about this year's derby because...

We're live-blogging the mother. That's right - come back tomorrow night for analysis from myself and The Good Face on baseball's mashin'est night of the year.

Unfortunately we don't have 16 sponsors like MLB does, but we're working on it (White Castle, looking at you: haymang@yahoo.com).

Google Image Find of the Week

Good luck erasing this from your memory ... ever. Any guesses on what I typed to turn up this result?

True Confessions of The Good Face

People often say to me, Mad Librarian, they say, what's lurking beneath The Good Face's Hulk-like exterior and colorful candy coating? And I say unto them, well, he's pretty much a whorish tweener girl with violent tendencies. The proof: Eight true confessions from TGF himself.

Describes Skip Schumaker as “put together,” if you know what I mean.

Used to rock out in a New Kids on the Block sweatshirt.

Enjoys the challenge of handling two or more, uh, burritos.

Claims he nearly killed a newborn baby. (This is where TGF gets all huffy and tells me to explain that he was a baby himself and the whole thing was an accident and everything turned out fine. And I say, would you trust this man?)

Has a warm spot in his heart for “When Harry Met Sally.”

Offers to drill his coworkers in the parking lot.

Loves Patrick Swayze and protests whenever someone invades his “dance space.”

Used to think a C-section delivery meant a baby born in the cheap seats at Mizzou’s Hearnes Center.

Fun With Motivational Posters

Thanks to this site, I'm pretty sure I won't get anything done this weekend.

The Most Important Chalk Talk News You'll Ever Read

Here at BertFlex, we're all about high-class social events. A couple days ago we told you about the big chocolate chip cookie shindig at Mike Shannon's next Friday.

Today, let's talk about one of the greatest "worst" shows in local cable TV history - Chalk Talk. They will be celebrating their 300th show on Monday the 21st at 7pm. Even better, they are taping that week's show on location...at a bowling alley (Olivette Lanes). Be sure to stop by and say hello to the Malc-dogg, Randy Characters, the Twister, and Millhaven McGraw.

As a young lad, I remember seeing one of the earliest episodes of Chalk Talk and dreaming of one day being on the panel, ready to write down my thoughts on a mini chalkboard. Now that I have begun to gain more local attention through my internet superstardom, I'm sure the big wigs at Charter will be getting a hold of me any minute now...anyyyy minute...tick...tock...(haymang@yahoo.com).

Click here to get more information on one of my top 700 favorite shows - Chalk Talk!

Talk Dirrty to Me

As our reader knows, we here at BertFlex live to insert (heh, insert) perversion into innocent conversation. Go on, tell us about the package you ordered, your civic duties, or how you think outside the box. We dare you.

It turns out, our naughty minds are good for more than offending our uptight human resources department. They also make baseball season significantly more fun. Here are some of the terms and teams that we love most.

Swinging a hot bat It's generally totally gay for one man to comment on another man's bat, but bring baseball into the equation and it's A-OK.

Finding his stroke See "swinging a hot bat" above. This one is also fun and easy to use in golf.

Throwing junk Not illegal, but definitely immoral.

Dinger We like to call it the Octagon.

Shagging Tip your hat to jolly old English slang while describing the act of recreationally catching fly-outs.

Bases Some wise middle schoolers turned baserunning into a handy guide for quantifying slutitude. I'm willing to go to second with them in thanks.

Pujols You know we love you, Bert, but that last name is rough.

Beloit Snappers Perplexingly, there's not a lady on the team. (Possible exception: The mascot, who appears to be PMSing.)

Bush league Only current member: The Beloit Snappers.

B-Jays The Good Face insists that if Devil Rays = D-Rays, then Blue Jays = B-Jays. TGF also once held a respectable journalism job but now works in BertFlex's St. Charles Bureau. Enough said.

On the black What do you think it means, racist?

Merkle's Boner Oh, who even cares what it means? Hi-larious.

Hitting a jack or jacking a home run Word on the street is that HMW once heard Dan Eassa say "jack one off" twice in one broadcast, but we'll laugh at pretty much any use of the word "jack."

A high, hard one Yeah, we'd hit that.

M-I-Z...

As a graduate of UMZL, I have zero experience with college rivalries. But now that I'm a new member of the Mizzourah.net family, I've been thrown into the fire. This Mizzou/Illinois and Mizzou/kU stuff is almost a little overwhelming.

I've been wanting to make my mark for a while, so I figure busting on kansas fans is a good start.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Day

Everything came to a screeching halt earlier tonight as the BertFlex office learned about something called "Chocolate Chip Cookie Day." The person reporting the following facts was Mike Shannon during the Cardinal game tonight, so I may not have 100% accurate details.

It's actually called Barry Weinberg's Chocolate Chip Cookie Fundraiser/Charity Thingy/Bake Sale(?). Besides Shannon's sketchy reporting, I couldn't find any info online - so here's what Mike said:

Friday July 18th
noon - 1:30 pm
Mike Shannon's Restaurant
Barry Weinberg + real Cardinals will be there signing autographs
Chocolate Chip Cookies will be on sale, and eaten by a lot of people

However, because Shannon was reporting this during the game:
-I have no idea how much it costs
-No idea how many cookies you get


More information on this delicious story as it develops.

*update: looks like this is it from '05 (page 4).

*update #2: thanks to the Librarian for finding this. Shannon said July 19th on the air, so that's the first thing he got wrong. All details are on the link. Side note - doing this during the middle of the day on a Friday is dumb. But that's just me...