Douche Bag Report: Grunting Guy at the Gym Edition

Hey there, chief. I see you in here quite a bit toning those guns, and I must say they’re looking fine. Yeah, I just did 100 squats, thanks for noticing. It’s boring, but it’s my life.

Look, I don’t want to embarrass you anymore than you embarrass yourself, but I have to tell you that your grunting is out of hand. Every time you complete a rep, you punctuate it with an “unh” befitting a member of New Kids on the Block. It’s so loud I hear it over my iPod, which I’ve already cranked up to hearing-damage volume in order to block out the horror that is karaoke spin class next door.

I suspect you think your audio turns the ladies on, and I’ll confess: Every woman at the gym is, in fact, imagining what it’s like to have sex with you when you get noisy. But it’s not turning out so well for you, chief. Your groans aren’t sexy; they’re gross. The thought of your sweaty, rutting self is enough to have us rolling our eyes behind your back and returning to our daydreams of spa pedicures, lakeshore vacations, and boyfriends who do their own laundry.

So do me (and your sex life) a favor, and shut it. Before I shut it for you.