Callin' You Out: Flexitarians

I’m the first to admit that I don’t understand vegetarianism. I mean, let’s look at the facts:

(a) Meat is delicious.
(b) Those animals totally had it coming, anyway.
(c) If you want to climb the food chain, you’ve got to grow a pair (of opposable thumbs).

Up until now I’ve been willing to coexist with vegetarians peacefully, mostly because it means more bacon for me. But now some meat-eaters (heh) are waffling (mmm, waffles) and going part-veg, and they’re trying to co-opt the Flex’s good name:

Not in my back yard, chief. The Flex proudly stands for baseball and sexual harassment and mild physical violence and crude language and adult situations... and meat. And as long as I'm around, that's not going to change.

Busted Up? Here's Cash

As the Cards wrapped up a season using house money, I was tooling around their website and the headline really popped out to me on Sunday. It sums up the Cards pitching cluster fuck, and basically sounds like Mozeliak and Co are in competition for Aflac's workman's comp program. Doctors on Sunday and contract announcement on Monday. Hells yeah!

"Scratched" and "New Contract" should probably not exist in the same sentence unless it's "I scratched my balls when I saw that new contract come across the table."

Shopping Alert

Late last week I was checking out the sports stores at the Mills Mall for any type of Buffalo Bills gear I could get my hands on. After checking out a few places, I realized that we're still 750 miles away from Buffalo, NY and no one cares (though there were a lot of Patriot and Giants gear for any bandwagon punk kids in the North County area).

At the end of my lap around the mall was Marshall's. I've only been inside that store once, and it was with Sir when he bought a button-up Roca Wear shirt that he could wear at his old job. I remembered them having a bunch of crap inside the store, including random football jerseys, so I felt it was worth a shot to go in there and see if they had any Bills jerseys that someone stole from a delivery truck maybe seven years ago.

To my dismay, they didn't have any except some knockoff Mizzou football and basketball jerseys and a handful of Rams ones, too. As I moaned in disgust of this wasted trip, I looked at the end of the aisle where I was standing and saw a big 4-way rack of gold Rams jerseys, the first of which was...



Jimmy Kennedy. Jackpot.

Besides him, they had gold Muthafuckin' Marshall Faulk jerseys too (and some white jerseys of both players sprinkled in), all for the low low Marshall's clearance price of...

Ten Bucks.

In all, I think they had maybe 20 jerseys per rack x 4 racks. So maybe about 80 jerseys total, the majority of which were Jimmy Kennedy gold jerseys. Great investment Marshall's.

So the big question is: How many do you guys want?

Hochuli-an Strength

For the second time in as many weeks, NFL referee Ed Hochuli (“Eddie Guns” to his fans) has come under fire for a questionable call, this time a roughing the passer ruling against the Panthers’ Julius Peppers. Eddie Guns’ grade already took a hit after allegedly blowing a call in the Week 2 Broncos-Chargers game.

In the face of such dire circumstances, I cannot stand idly by and ignore what has thus far gone unsaid: Much like Sarah Palin doesn’t get fair treatment because of her physiological condition, Hochuli is discrimated against on account of having the biggest pythons this side of the San Diego Zoo. But you won’t see the liberal media jumping up to defend him – they’re too busy with their yoga classes and their tall half-calf mocha lattes to go to a gym and find out what getting your swell on is all about.

Don’t worry, Eddie. This blog is called BertFlex. We get it. When you can crush a beer can with your eyebrows, you don’t have to be good at your job.

Big Things Happening at the H-West

Another screen shot of a Post-Dispatch headline is to the left. It'll tell you punks who's the powerhouse in the Suburban North Conference.

THE Hazelwood West High School.

After West beat McCluer 28-14 on Saturday, they got a little pub from The Dis-patch. The funny, but highly depressing part of this article is the tidbit below:

The Wildcats defeated visiting McCluer 28-14 to take sole possession of first place in the Suburban North Conference and improved to 5-0 for what is believed to be the first time in school history.

I'm not sure but I think "what is believed" means we're really bad at keeping records and stats, seeing how the school has only been around since 1975.

I can tell you that West is only good about twice a decade, so it'll be another five or six years before I'm bragging about these guys again. We might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts, right?

The ass-whoopin' tour continues Friday at Howell Central (0-5), then a big showdown vs. DeSmet (4-1), which is being played at SLUH.


(For the record, as a H-West alum, I disapprove of the red and white and fancy stripe jerseys. I think they had those last year, and we damn sure aren't rich enough to have those as alternate jerseys. Without doing research, is that Miami of Ohio that they stole those from? No black = thumbs down Batista.)

You'd Think We Wrote This Headline

The Post-Dispatch has gotten much better at titling their articles ever since the hiring of crafty veteran Jack Mehoff.

Special Appearance Weekend

I was at the stadium last night and saw a couple upcoming appearances involving the Cardinals. I'll let you guess which one I'm more excited about:

1) Friday at 5:30 pm Alyssa Milano will be at the Team Store. The first 100 people will get to meet her...and I guess get something signed? They weren't too descriptive on the jumbotron, but at the very least you'll be able to compliment her on her fancycool sparkly girly t-shirts and dresses. This site says (of a long list of dudes over the years) her most recent boyfriend was Tom Glavine in 06/07. That's gross, but I'll still be hanging around Hrabosky's later Friday night to see if the 35 year old is out doing some cougar hunting.

2) Kyle McClellan and Chris Perez will be at the Brentwood Best Buy this Saturday from 11:30 to 12:30 signing autographs. I'm really contemplating if I should go out there and really gay it up for K-Mac. Not like I haven't done this already on this site. I even have this sweet-ass jumbo '88 Topps card of the two relievers that they gave out last night.


This really is a tough call, because we all know Alyssa Milano would be into me. But the 11th Commandment "Bros Before Thy Hoes" comes into play as well. And I'd really like to see Chris Perez breathing heavy and dripping in sweat from sitting down for an hour, scribbling his name on an 8x10 for a 38 year old slob.

Hmm. Doing both would be a lot of effort. Any thoughts?

Honorary Flexer: Dubya

Due at least in part to the 22nd Amendment, I won’t be voting for George W. Bush in November. Whatever brand of politics you might practice, though, one thing has become abundantly clear: Brotha knows how to flex.

The dude used to own the Texas Rangers. That’s a glorified way of saying he played fantasy baseball. He even traded a young Sammy Sosa for a mediocre half-season of Harold Baines. With trading acumen like that, Bush should be writing “Who’s Shitty?” instead of Sir.

He isn’t afraid to unholster the guns. Honestly, I work out from time to time, but I haven’t seen pipes like that since the last time I played Super Mario Bros. Side note: Am I the only one who still has “intimate” dreams about Princess?

Chicks dig the President. How many times has Misty May-Treanor offered you her mudflaps for a ceremonial spank (with Kerri Walsh watching, no less)? Unless you’re a backup catcher for the Florida Marlins, the answer is none times. Ball-bumping with MMT has to rank as the most under-rated perk of the presidency.

We have had internal discussions regarding adding another well-spoken, thoughtful writer to the Flex staff. It seems readily apparent that there are few (if any) candidates more qualified than the current president of the United States.

Dating Advice From Coaches...Always A Good Idea

The BertFlex inbox often gets flooded with questions, comments, and concerns. One thing that a lot of you people write in about is dating tips. All the ladies want to know if they can have a shot at the title. We usually brush them off pretty quickly (especially if their family isn't rich), and go about our business.

But what if we took the time to think for a few minutes and dish out some dating advice to our fans? What would we say?

Nobody could sum up our expert thoughts on dating better than Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach. This is a clip from the local Texas Tech TV show, in which someone asks the coach for some help with his upcoming date (Football coaches are like Yoda when it comes to women, obviously).

Here's the answer:



I love how he gave this answer without cracking a smile. Oh wait, does that mean he was being serious the entire time?

And "trade computer schemes and emails and all that mischief that people are up to" is a great quote, not to mention "the girl will be forced to eat in front of you, which is something that women hate."

I need more of this guy.

The Verdict is In, October 6, Slaten Returns

Ahh, the classic Paul Newman movie, the Verdict..... Yeah, it's an oldie but worth it. I think it is especially worth watching in the middle of a cold St. Louis winter, as the movie has that tone to it.


Unfortunately for us, the verdict is that Kevin Slaten returns to the St. Louis airwaves on October 6th, after his no-compete clause in his old contract with KFNS ends. While Mr. Slaten stated that St. Louis County Circuit Judge Larry L. Kendrick would be more suited to work in Baghdad, Moscow (presumably in pre 1991 Soviet Russia), or somewhere else, it appears that unlike those sent to the Gulags, Slaten gets another chance.

In other news, your humble legal correspondent to Bert Flex just completed a 2 day jury trial in St. Louis County. He also managed to get a jury verdict favorable to his client. While I cannot comment on whether Mr. Slaten has actually tried a case before a jury, I wouldn't want him as my attorney, or as my client. He has such a talent for making an ass of himself.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

Did you read about the travesty at the University of Idaho? Their cheerleaders have been ordered to wear less skimpy uniforms. What the hell? I thought this was 'Mericuh we were living in? Luckily they are still allowed to throw some dubs whenever a camera is around.

Here are this week's links:

-My final in-season insideSTL article, where I write an overdue article ripping Sign Guy. It felt good, I must admit. Be sure to check me out on Wednesdays in the off-season. If you ever have suggestions on what to write (or would be courteous to write it yourself), holla at me: haymang@yahoo.com.

-TGF over at the Sporting News last week. Oh, and this week. It's a double dose of asskickin'.

-Mizzourah discusses the victory over Buffalo. In case you haven't been paying attention, there is another team named Buffalo making some noise in a different football league.

-We've been distracting the ML from important things, with our silly shrimp eating contests and Guitar Hero concerts. So knock it off.

-And a fun link: if you never saw (or were a fan of) Iron Man, Kung Fu Panda, or Indiana Jones, head to any Wehrenberg Theater for one week (beginning this Friday) and catch any of those movies for $1. Not a bad deal, but where's You Don't Mess with the Zohan? Bastards!

Breaking News: Prince Fielder is Fat

No, not p-h-a-t.

Fat:



Tip of the cap to TGF for tipping me off on Prince's massive gut being on display after his walk-off homer vs. the Pirates on Tuesday night.

By the way, feel free to refer to TGF by his full name: Turd Gaylord Ferguson.

That is all.

Some Love for the H-West

I had been slacking ass on the high school football season so far this year. With all the commotion going on at Rams Park, combined with the success of Mizzou, my high school alma mater, THE Hazelwood West High School kind of got lost in the shuffle. I should have been paying attention, because they churned out a 3-0 record (incl. two shutouts) heading into a huge game vs. #2 Hazelwood East last Saturday.

It's been well-established that East beats the crap out of us in football, and has been a powerhouse for years in the Suburban North Conference, and throughout the state of Missouruh.

Until now. There's a new sheriff in town, and thy name is Hazelwood West. They blew up the Eastside with that new-fangled never-throw-the-ball offensive attack.

You may think I'm joking, but in the 28-14 win, West threw the ball 10 times (completing 7)...while rushing 45 times. Down. Your. Froat.

So the H-West is now 4-0 on the season, with upcoming games vs. McCluer (4-0) and at Howell Central (0-4). I'm sure because of this blog post, they'll finish 4-6, but the Wildcats look legit with their Depression-era offense.

And hey, if they can beat teams that they haven't beaten since 1977, anything's possible.

(This is the school that graduated me with a 4.1 GPA, so another miracle is overdue)

Mo' Linx (X-tended)

There is a little shindig at the Bertflex World Headquarters tonight, stop on by if you are cool, hot, and/or like getting boozed up. No one has puked off our deck yet, much to my dismay. You people need to step yo' game up.

Oh, and feel free to bring us food - we're always looking for food.

Here are a few more links to burn some time on your Friday:

-Some k.u.chebags trying to act black.

-Speaking of Mizzou, it will be "Tiger Tuesday" at ESPN next week. Gary Pinkel will be in Bristol for a ton of appearances on all ESPN outlets (TV, online chat, radio). Including:

9:30 a.m.: Meets with ESPN producers, has makeup applied.

-Adam Kennedy wants to be traded! NOOOOOO!!

-Boobies are always good. According to me.

Friday night update - 3 More:

-The Blues fanfest is this Sunday.

-Erik Johnson hurt his leg playing golf this week. I thought that was impossible. No, read that sentence again. Nicely done EJ.

-GREAT list about Samuel L. Jackson. If you don't enjoy this, you need to quit reading our site.

...And He Had A Mustache

Besides baseball, bacon, and chicks, another thing we tend to be fans of are mustaches. Sir is the only one of us who sports the 'stache, though it is part of a larger facial hair purpose.

Some of our heroes are mustachioed gentlemen: Burt Reynolds, Robert Goulet (Gou-let), every player in RBI Baseball, Ron Burgundy, and most importantly: Pete Weber Al Hrabosky ...okay I'm not sure how to end that sentence.

But if we ever grow some balls, we'd all rock the mustache.

That's why the 'Stache Bash caught my attention when I read about it yesterday. It is so important that I deemed it necessary to have its own post.

The 'Stache Bash is run by the American Mustache Institute, based out of St. Louis (brag to your out-of-town friends about that...go ahead, brag). From AMI's website:

What is 'Stache Bash? - It is certainly the most ridiculous, as well as global, celebration of mustaches in the world, benefiting Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for children and adults with disabilities. Is it some serious facial hair contest for shut-ins? No. It's a big, goofy party for a great cause, as this video might demonstrate.

In the past, we've talked big about attending silly events and did not come through on our word. So we'd like to pin the responsibility on you: if you'd like to be the Bertflex correspondent at 'Stache Bash (and feel like spending $20 of your own money), please email us: haymang@yahoo.com.

It sounds like it will be a fun event (Oct 25th at Lumiere), and they will be giving out the first ever "Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year" award. Voting will take place in October and we'll definitely be all over that.

For further reading, check out this chat from espn.com with AMI's Aaron Perlut. Top notch (and there's even a Jason LaRue question in there).

Stay tuned for more updates, as I have added the long-overdue "mustaches" tag below.

Sir and Geoge Brett? Same Person?????????

Any of you who have spent time around Sir will hear some stories about Sir having some..... How shall we say it???? Bowel difficulties at times. Turns out that George Brett of that minor league team in St. Louis' little brother city also has the same issue. Thanks to Deadspin for the leak.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

This is how the lovely Miss Hilton celebrated her 27th birthday earlier this year. I was a little more low key than that, to say the least. Keep doing your thing, P-Hilt (phenomenal), and I'll do mine.

By the way, are there stats out there for bloggers in their age 27 season? I won't guarantee that I'll be funnier over the next 12 months, but I can't wait to begin my mashin' campaign in softball Thursday night. I'll let you know how it goes (unless I suck).

Here are this week's links:

-On insideSTL, I brainstorm new website ideas related to the Cardinals. It's only a matter of time before I cash in on my greatness and drop you guys to pursue my dream of running a new porn site called SluttyCardinalFans.com.

-Mizzourah has a good post comparing Big XII teams to pro wrasslers.

-TGF has an article here but you gots to pony up to read it.

-The ML has a bunch of new posts over at OMG.

-I had a prophetic post back in January of '06, showing my disinterest in the Rams hiring Scott Linehan. Shower me with praise...now.

Can O' Bacon, and Other Ways We Need to Spend our Money

A couple weeks ago we received an email from friend of the site Kelly, sending us a link that was right up our alley: 10 Gadgets For Guys Who Hate To Cook (But Love to Eat).

It's been a busy week here at BFHQ, and by "busy" I mean "I'm trying to catch up with poker shows that I DVR'd, so it's taken a while to tell you all about this list."

I know how little you like to read, so here is a recap of the article: It. Is. Awesome. Well, at least the gadgets are; Bertflex is the best site ever, with the best writers ever, and don't you forget it. Some of my favorites:

Yoder's Canned Bacon - We have covered many uses for bacon here at the B'Flex, but this has got to be one of the best. How beautiful is that? 40-50 strips of bacon per can and they kind of unfold like a fruit roll-up. I'm a little choked up right now, I can't believe how happy I am to be living in times like these. Ignore the fact that everyone's in debt and people are losing jobs, as long as we have bacon in a can, America is still the greatest country in the world.

The 90 Second Dual Pizza Oven - This is a must-have for Bertflex's World Headquarters. I see the $250 price tag, but to own a machine that heats up to 797 degrees F and cooks pizzas in 90 seconds is money well spent. Unfortunately, they are out of stock until December, so hopefully Santa's paying attention.

Microwavable S'Mores Maker - City slickers like myself don't go camping, so I rarely have the chance to eat s'mores by the campfire. This little bastard lets you feel like you're camping, just in the comforts of your own home (where you have showers, bathrooms, and internets). It claims to make two perfect s'mores in 30 seconds and most importantly, is 100% in our price range at $7.


Thanks to Kelly for tipping us off on this article, even though it would be a lot easier if you women came over and cooked for us like you should we'll see what we can do.

We always welcome mail like this: haymang@yahoo.com

Douchebag Report: Bronson Arroyo Edition

Tonight's starter vs. the Cardinals is All-Pro Dirtbag Bronson Arroyo. He's come a long way from his clean cut days as a Pirate. He went from just "a guy" to a major tool in a record-breaking fashion during the 2004 season (see: cornrows), though he fit right in with the other assclowns the Red Sox employed that year.

To out-douche all others, he pimps his shitty music, has a useless high leg kick, and still has long flowing locks sticking out of his hat. He's a simple wife-beater away from being Kid Rock's stunt double.

Some would say Bronson's musical career will follow the same path as Kent Bottenfield's, but I don't think Arroyo is that good. And he's damn sure no Black Jack McDowell. Arroyo seems like the kind of guy who would go on tour with Russell Crowe during the offseason, and consider that his "big break."

Oh, and he even has a douchey website, bronsonarroyo.com.

In an act of desperation, I added him to my fantasy team a couple weeks ago (check out his last month), so hopefully he helps me out tonight. As a fantasy owner, I'm not racist against d-bags, but as a blogger, I feel it is my duty to hate the scumbag known as Bronson Arroyo.

Below is an image of him "in action" with current Cardinal Flip Lopez looking for an exit door. Good Lord, Bronson, you look like Scott Stapp there, and that makes me want to deck you even more.

Two Tickets

I made a quick stop into the Rock Road Target this past weekend, and believe it or not, they knew I was coming!



Or maybe Sir's dad was in the vicinity, I'm not sure...

Booty Check

I've been defending the '08 Cardinals as only moderately shitty since spring training, but I must admit that I've had one nagging problem with the squad: They don't give good ass. In years past, I brought binoculars to the game specifically for the purpose of getting a closer look at Scott Rolen's finely sculpted rear view. I've tried to find a suitable replacement butt crush since we shipped Rolen north and brought in the flat-assed Troy Glaus, but I just couldn't get excited about what the team had to offer.

As much as I love Jason LaRue (yeah, you read that right) and admire Yadi, catcher butt isn't my thing. And although many ladies are crazy about Ankiel, the pirate face he makes while batting turns me off so much that I can't look past it to his ass. But then: Enter Joe Mather.


Mmm hmm. Get that wrist well, Joe. I look forward to ogling your ass next season.

Stubhub Cheats

I was perusing Stubhub yesterday, hoping to find some cheap(ish) All You Can Eat tickets to one of the remaining ballgames this month, and stumbled upon tickets for next year's All Star festivities:



So someone in the MLB offices leaked their tickets out already. Imagine that.

Or I suppose it could have been a sponsor, who is very disinterested in trekking to the STL next July. These tickets have not been made to the public (as shown here), so don't worry, you're not out of the loop just yet.

I personally plan on being off the days around the 2009 All Star Game, and doing nothing besides heading downtown, watching baseball, and hanging around the dirt sculptures all the fancycool businesses that comprise Ballpark Village.

Once we hear about All Star Weekend tickets, we'll drop a line. More importantly, you can be "that guy" by registering for Cardinal playoff tickets - head on over to stlcardinals.com before it's too late!

The Perfect DVD

If the lack of "goodness" has caused you to turn away from the WWE during the past five or so years, the one thing they have been doing right in that span is the quality of their DVD offerings. There are 2 or 3 disk sets out for a bunch of wrasslers, factions (4 Horsemen), and extinct organizations (AWA, ECW) that are top notch in quality and content, usually featuring a ton of matches. One released a few months ago about The Rock would probably be a good investment.

But the new DVD hitting the streets this week is about Curt Hennig: Mr. Perfect. If you are a dork like us, check out Amazon and buy it (then let us borrow it from you, since we're cheap bastards).

The DVD itself should be pretty good. Mr. Perfect wasn't one of my favorites, but he always holds a special place in my heart for being the focus of one of the greatest things shown on television - ever. This ranks up there with the Rick James episode of Chappelle's Show and the softball episode of The Simpsons. It doesn't get any better than this, and the special cameos by Wade Boggs, Mike Modano, and Steve Jordan (mouthing "wowww") certainly helps.

I've been looking for a reason to post this video for almost three years now. If you've never seen it before, behold:




So good. Since I was eight, it's been my lifelong goal to throw a 70 yard touchdown to myself, and it's a shame that I'm still not good enough.

Drink Your Pork, Again

Earlier this summer, Big Head posted the recipe for homemade bacon vodka. Now you lazy bastards are in luck, as Don Yovicsin now makes bacon vodka available for purchase.

And he calls your bacon vodka, and raises you all-in with his recipe for The Bacon Bloody Mary:

1 1/2 oz. bacon-flavored vodka
6 oz. Bloody Mary mix
Barbecue rub
1 Slim Jim
1 lime wedge


Yup, that says "1 Slim Jim." Don Yovicsin takes the pot and you may observe from the rail if you'd like.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

It's kind of another slow week here at the 'Flex. But for your reading pleasure, here are this week's links:

-My insideSTL article, envisioning the crap-tastic job Tony LaRussa would do as a major league GM.

-Mizzourah has another podcast up and some analysis on the SEMO beatdown over the weekend. They actually wrote a long column about the game, instead of a simple "Holy crap, SEMO sucks. The end."

-Annie Fresh finally posted an update to the goings-on of her life this past weekend.

-Lottie is back from her six weeks in China. My summer vacation was Kansas City, Springfield (MO), and Davenport. Oh and a fantasy football draft in East Alton. Yeah, I kicked her ass on that one.

Let This Soak In

Dear Tom Brady,




Good.



Sincerely,

Jets (38-14...the game you guys cheated)
Chargers (38-14)
Bills (38-7)
Bengals (34-13)
Browns (34-17)
Cowboys (48-27)
Dolphins (49-28...yeah, thanks)
Redskins (52-7...really?)
Colts (24-20)
Bills (56-10...F you)
Eagles (31-28)
Ravens (27-24)
Steelers (34-13)
Jets (20-10)
Dolphins (28-7)
Giants (38-35...oh well)
Jaguars (31-20)
Chargers (21-12)
& The Staff of bertflex.com

Hard Hittin'

Everyone will talk about the 10 year anniversary of Mac Wire's #62, but people like me (ie. dorks) will appreciate the 15 year anniversary of this:



Hard Shittin' Mark Whiten going off on bad Cincy pitching, Tripp Cromer gets a lot of face time, and a scrappy youngster named Joe Buck shows excitement and emotion (remember those days?).

I know it's trendy to say that these successful, pennant-winning Cardinal teams of the 00's are fun to watch. But early 90's Cardinal baseball was the shit. (Yes, I realize my standards for "the shit" are incredibly low)

Get Fat Night

Tonight the Mad Librarian is really twisting my arm to go to the Cardinal game. She has an extra ticket to one of the all-you-can-eat sections, and has done everything in her power to make me go. You know me - I hate baseball, and I especially hate buffets that include jumbo hot dogs and beef brisket. Ah, that's the worst.

After lots of conniving and trick questions, I agreed to go. So we'll be there at the stadium, being bored, maybe eating a dog or two. We'll see.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

I've been without TV for the better part of two weeks, so I'm going a little insane here. What's been happening on Chalk Talk? Or TMZ? Hey, what about Chelsea Lately? Are these shows even on TV anymore? Does TV even exist? Someone fill me in. Here are this week's links:

-Not related to us, but the Kevin Slaten saga continues: he'll be on 1380 next month. That sucks.

-This week's insideSTL article.

-And last week's.

-Turd Ferguson waxes poetically at The Sporting News.

-In case you've been living under a rock or also don't have a TV, Mizzou beat the Ill-side last Saturday (TGF and I live-blogged the entire day), so there have been big things happening over on Mizzourah. Be sure to check out the latest/greatest Hot Chicks w/ k.u.chebags.

-The ML put up a new post on OMG earlier this week. It's hard for me to blog without pants, but she was able to pull it off.

-And in honor of the National Football League (this is the most important season - ever), let's take a look back at the Greatest Touchdown Celebrations article written back in '06.

Am I The Only One?

...who loves the fact that Chad Johnson is now Chad Ocho Cinco?

Not only is the name change ridiculous (in an awesome way), but credible websites like Yahoo are acting as if his last name is now Ocho Cinco. I know "legally" it is, but I'm sensible enough to get the joke.



I love it. If I ever create the shit-talkin' Hall of Fame, Chad Johnson is a first ballot inductee.

Callin' You Out: Rina Wear

Alright Rina Wear. Let me say this up front: I enjoy your funny shirts. Most of them are good. Some of them need to be part of my collection ("Bacon: The Candy Bar of Meats" is at the top of that list). Unfortunately I don't own any of your clothing, but I like to support you as a local business targeted to my people.

So naturally...we're MySpace friends.

You're great, you're cool, blah blah. On to your call-out. Maybe I am in a cranky mood or something, but after seeing this new shirt a little while ago, I decided to fire up the ol' Bertflex and run wild on you.



An Aaron Miles shirt? Come on. I gave you guys a free pass after seeing the Skip Shoe-maker shirt. And I really bit my tongue after the Troy Glaus shirt was unleashed on the world.

But Aaron Miles? I know that many scrappy, white St. Louisans enjoy seeing an Aaron Miles at-bat four times a game, but that doesn't mean he should be celebrated in t-shirt form. Side note: there is only one Pujols shirt design, meaning Skip Shumaker has the 2:1 t-shirt advantage over Bert. I know Albert is a little too "mainstream" around the area, but that needs to be fixed.

That's the extent of my rambling. Keep up the good work Rina Wear, but focus your creative effort on places other than four feet tall utility men who have "Back in Black" as their batting music.

Neither of those things are cool. And we're all about being cool, here at Bertflex.

Cardinals Post-Game = Gold

Earlier this season, we all had a good laugh making fun of Jack Clark's girth on the Cardinals' Post-Game show. A few days later, the ML talked about Pat Parris' fake tan (I swear I saw him walk into the Tan Co. next door to my building the other day). After that, we ran up the score by poking more fun at the beefy-ness of Jack the Ripper. At that point, I vowed to quit taking pictures of my TV while the Post-Game Show was on. Then 80s Night happened (coincidentally on a Sunday afternoon).

After that I said to myself, "Seriously - no more making fun of the Post-Game Show. The joke has run its course."

But around the 7th or 8th inning of last night's game, Pat, Dan, Al, and Jimmy the Cat teased the fact that Ricky Horton would be travelling into the future - the year 2028 - and let us know what's in store for the Cardinals over the next 20 years.

My camera phone was immediately placed in the charger. No way I was missing that shit.

Behold, Ricky Horton's report from the year 2028:

Sweet graphics, there's no way this is going to disappoint. We start out with Ricky wearing his Ray-Ban glasses and some kind of silver outfit. Apparently, that will be the style. I hope Pat Parris likes his job, because after this, he'll never get a better one. Ricky goes on to mention that the Cubs win the World Series, but have been cursed for the 19 years since (remember, he's 20 years ahead of us). The Cardinals win the World Series in 2013, 2015, and 2020 (I might have been off on that last one by a year or two, as it was hard to hear over my own groaning. But he did say three WS trophies are coming to town. Now you know when to buy season tickets.) Let's just go on a journey throughout the entire segment:

















Wait, what the hell is that in the background? Oh, naturally it's Alf.

Really, Alf. In 2028. Here's a better look:



And luckily the segment finally ended. Here's where Ricky should have said, "Pat, it looks like your dignity and credibility was taken away on September 2nd, 2008. Hmm, wonder what happened?"



I'm pretty sure that Horton woke up at 7 am Tuesday, and used the entire day to write his script. Throughout the rant, Horton talked about Pujols going into the Hall of Fame (whoa, who saw that coming?), Brett Wallace being a better player than Colby Rasmus (who turned into a Van Slyke/Todd Zeile-type player...yuck), LaRussa managing for an absurd 12 more years, somehow Red Shoendienst still being alive to be an interim manager, then Mike Matheny taking over, new rule changes in baseball (the AL using 2 DH's - probably the only actual funny part, while the rest was just sad), and something about the new "baseball scandal" being eye replacements around the early 20's.

Ugh.

So if you decided to go to bed late in the game, or right afterwards, you're welcome. We'll always take one for the team. Actually, the Post-Game Show has become more exciting than the game itself.

And a future warning to FSN: you might think only a few stoners are awake to watch you guys, but one of them will always be me, ready to pull the trigger on my trusty camera phone.

Also, how do we get a hold of "Future Ricky" and Alf? They need to be at our next party.

BFHQ Update

Hey everyone, we hope you had a swell three-day weekend. Back to the grind, and in four days you can have fun again.

For an update on the new Bertflex World Headquarters, if you haven't been over to the new place, we have quite a nice little set-up. And to "professionalize" ourselves a little more, we are getting legal internet installed at some point today. AT&T gave us a small 12 hour (!) window that they'll be over. What a bunch of assclowns.

So for the first half of the day I'll sit here and wait. In honor of being off work, I'll check in periodically and let you know how my day is going. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats.

But really, should I hold the suspense, or just say "breakfast, computer, video games, porn, more food, back to sleep, online poker, video games" and get it over with now?

8:48 update - I moved from my room upstairs down to the couch. Back to sleep. I was having a dream in which Sir was yelling at people, so hopefully that resumes.

10:40 still sleeping. I enjoy half days, in case you care. Also, here is this week's insideSTL article to hold you over.

12:30 I'm out broskie's. Sir will be holding down the fort for the rest of the day. AT&T, you're on the clock. Don't embarrass yourself in front of our massive audience.

8:15 AT&T lied. They will be hearing from Chet Pleban in the morning.