The Greatest Touchdown Celebration

Ask any running back or receiver in the NFL and they'll tell you that picking the right endzone dance is the toughest thing to do in the game of football. Remembering a playbook larger than the local yellow pages? Piece of cake. Taking hits from 250 pound linebackers? Whatever.

But what is the best way to embarrass your opponents after you have scored a touchdown? The answer could make or break your career.

For the youngsters out there, do some homework on the O.G.'s of endzone dancers: Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, The Fun Bunch, and Ickey Woods.

And I'm sure you're familiar with the work of today's celebration artists like Steve Smith and my buddy Chad Johnson.

But there is one touchdown celebration that only few have dared to try in the history of the world. That's right, I said the world, not just the NFL. It has been passed down, almost secretly, from generation to generation for thousands of years. It has never been documented until today.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me tell you about the greatest touchdown celebration of all time: the Bust of Statutization.

1 football
1 football field
2 teams
concrete mix, preferably in a 100 gallon pool
a base to stand on
a living will

If you're lost, let me set the scene for you. Down 20-14 in the 4th quarter, your quarterback has led an amazing drive, setting you up at the 15 yard line. With only a few seconds left, he heaves a pass in your direction, towards the corner of the end zone. You look up, reach further than you've ever reached before, haul in the pass and you've got it! Touchdown!

Now what do you do? How about a little "Letcha Shoulda Lean" out there? Or beat up on the goalpost? No, this moment calls for something a little more symbolic. This is the point in time where the pool of concrete comes into play. Nothing to it, just jump in there with the football still in hand. After you are fully covered, get on top of the base and just stand there--forever.

The Bust of Statutization is not a flashy celebration by any means, and kind of sad because you have to end your own life. But making yourself into a human statue takes it to the highest level of showmanship possible. And that's why we are all here, right?

Like I said before, the Bust of Statutization has only been done on a few occasions in history.

After orchestrating a game winning drive, Jesus Christ Himself ran to the middle of the field at the original Notre Dame Stadium and mocked His unworthy opponents. The statue came up missing the next day. No photo was ever taken, but it was painted onto a large mural still on the Notre Dame campus, shown to the left.

Some historians will tell you that they've always thought Napoleon was a jerk. To that I say: who cares? His "First Down" statue pose will go down as the best celebration of a non-touchdown catch ever. To make matters worse, he took his horse with him. Killing yourself to make your own statue is one thing; bringing the horse along to share in your glory makes it even better.

Finally, we have the most recent use of the Bust of Statutization. He was once a living legend in the rap game, but after running for a 6 touchdown performance against a pickup team in his hometown of Oakland, Tupac Shakur knew of only one way to mark that historic event. He whipped out his cleanest suit, jumped in a pool of gold (Tupac does things his way), and ensured that his legacy will live on forever. Many of his friends tried to talk him out of it, but Tupac was adamant about rubbing it in just a little more.


Like Confucius once said: Rule #1 of talking smack is that the smack must be delivered...no matter what consequences come of it.

And if you have to pull out the Bust of Statutization to deliver the smack, it must be done (Also, make sure I'm there to see it).

On the other hand, if you don't want to take your touchdown celebration to the ultimate level, you can always fall back on The Slater Dance.

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