Gosh, my feet hurt!

Apr 20-- Updating previous items, the Associated Press' Gregg Bell reports Texas Rangers OF Kevin Mench (foot) was told by a Dallas-area orthotics specialist he's been wearing his shoes a half-size too small, which was the reason Mench had sprained the second toe on his right foot. Mench will wear orthotic footwear the rest of the season and isn't experiencing any discomfort when walking or running.

Now get out there in your right size shoes and get me some damn RBIs!!

Geez... This is ri-god-damn-diculous! How in the WORLD can you not know what size shoes you wear?! Gosh, my feet hurt sure do hurt all the time and my toes keep ripping through the front of my socks and shoes! Duh.

My Day At The Ballgame

I went to the baseball game today. It was very fun. I got to eat a hot dog and supreme nachos. I saw the Cardinals beat the Reds 8-7. They play in a new stadium. It is really big and neat. I walked around the stadium TWO times! The field looked pretty and scoreboard was really cool. Albert Pujols hit 3 home runs and won the game. He is my favorit-ist Cardinal ever. Overall I had a really fun day at the ballpark.




Sincerely,
Shaun
college graduate/sometimes 10 year-old


ps. These guys are gross:

The New Era Begins

April 10, 2006 was a historic day in the city of St. Louis. After many frustrating years for residents of the city and county, downtown has made it’s first major step in becoming an attractive place for people to visit and enjoy themselves once again. Because of a massive case of urban sprawl, the city of St. Louis is left with a small population in comparison to the suburbs in surrounding counties. But now it seems like downtown is back and happening again! And there is only one place that needs to be given all the credit in the world: Al Hrabosky’s Ballpark Saloon.

After Mr. Hrabosky opened his establishment in 2004, many wondered what this visionary had in mind. According to a survey conducted at Delmar Gardens, at the corner of I-170 and Delmar, there are thousands of problems with the downtown area. Many were quoted as to saying that “all those black folk” make the downtown area an unsafe place to live. “Have you ever seen the news?” spouted Helen Warbermiller. “The crime rate is ridiculous!” The staff of bertflex.com failed to check the statistics, so we’ll take their word on it, since they seemed like experts.

Despite the critics, Al Hrabosky decided to take a chance on his ‘mom and drunk pop’ operation. And it has turned the city around in a short amount of time. On Monday the local base ball participants opened their new sporting field near the Ballpark Saloon. The map below shows in detail what the city looks like from an overhead view:

Hundreds of thousands of people were shown on the news Monday enjoying themselves by Hrabosky’s and this new base ball field. If the local team, known to some as the “Cardinals” have half the success that Hrabosky has had, they will be making profits in no time.

With new businesses sprouting up like dandelions, what could possibly come next to the newer, “hipper” downtown? Only time will tell.

This just in...

Two recent developments have shocked the sporting world: First, in Mississippi, Brett Favre is reportedly "very close" to making a decision regarding whether he will have chicken or steak at a local Applebee’s. For two weeks now, sports writers, Packers Fans, and 17 –year-old waitress Ashley Robbins have been waiting to hear what the football legend/ superhero/ studmuffin will have for dinner. Favre, in a recent statement, underscored the importance of his imminent decision. "The Bourbon Street Steak has always been one of my favorites, but Fiesta Lime Chicken just sounds really tasty right now. I realize that I’ve been sitting in this Applebee’s since March 25th, but I don’t think I could live with myself were I to make the wrong choice here." Although experts are encouraged that he has officially dropped Shrimp Fajitas and Cobb Salad from the list of choices, sources close to our nation’s most beloved god-like dreamboat say that he is no closer to ordering today than he was during the now infamous "Should I eat dessert first?" fiasco on April 2.
In other news, the city of Bristol, Connecticut is in a panic today, as two armed gunmen have locked themselves into the Baseball Tonight studio at ESPN headquarters. The assailants, recently identified as ESPN’s own Mark Schlereth and Sean Salisbury, have already killed Harold Reynolds, Tino Martinez, and two cameramen, and have threatened to kill more hostages if their demands are not met. Schlereth, clad only in green and gold jammies and a "Cheesehead" hat, conducted a televised interview with CNN, expressing his demands: "Brett Favre is a FOOTBALL player. This guy loves to play hard-nosed, smash mouth, grab-ass FOOTBALL…. FOOTBALL!!!!" Sean Salisbury, having used a Bowie knife to carve the number "4" into his chest, clarified, saying "What the F*** is with this baseball S***?!? Can’t you retards understand that the greatest American since Winston Churchill is trying to make a decision, and we owe it to him to tongue his sack until he says otherwise? DAMMIT!!!" When the interviewer responded that Winston Churchill was in fact not an American, Salisbury tore the reporter’s head off and ate it. Salisbury then chased the cameraman around the room, ripping at his own flesh, while Schlereth ejaculated on a Brett Favre bobble-head doll, mumbling the word "football" repeatedly. Venerable baseball analyst Peter Gammons, having recently fled the country in fear, had this to say via telephone interview: "If those guys want to turn Baseball Tonight into the Brett Favre Show, I have no problem with that…. So long as they trade him the Red Sox first."

THE WEEKEND in Review

What is the only think ye need know about "THE WEEKEND"? The picture to the right should explain everything. Well, maybe you do need a little more information. Ok, so as promised there was lots of food and beer. Lots of people got drunk. Justin broke a wooden spoon on my titty. York threw beer bottles and the word hat across the room when Kansas lost, and those in attendance for other York meltdowns thought he was very restrained. There was WAY too much flexing by guys who should never flex anything (we should leave the flexing to Bert). We needed a running scoreboard of "Hard R" versus "Soft A", because it would have been a close race. Justin said "I need a light....light!" approximately 4,256 times in the 4 days.

Draft Notes: York took forever to make every pick, just like he has every year. Jeremy took 3 closers in the first 5 rounds. We laughed at him. A lot. In fact we're still laughing. Jeff Suppan was taken between Conner Jackson and Ryan Zimmerman and everyone bemoaned the fact that Suppan was taken WAY too early. Randy sucks at life but owns Bert Flex for the rest of our natural lives. I hate my team. York's rotation is Roy Oswalt and "Pray For Rain."

MLB Extra Innings = Baseball Heaven

For those who have fantasy teams (and no life), MLB Extra Innings is awesome. Already this week, I have watched games from Anaheim, Texas, San Diego, Los Angeles, Milwaukee, Toronto, Seattle, Houston, Oakland, New York, Baltimore, Philadelphia and Colorado. I feel that this is even impressive considering that my cable was out on monday night and that I actually atended work on these days. Had I been a good baseball fan and blown off work, I could have added 2 more cities to this list.

To illustrate the greatness that is Extra Innings, tonight Shaun and I have the great Seattle-Oakland tilt to look forward to. Why are the two of us excited about this game? Because he owns Felix Hernandez (SEA) and I own Joe Blanton (OAK) in York's fantasy league. This will of course ensure that Shaun and I will ruin our friendship and come to blows over the outcome of tonight's game, and that Josh will get drunk. Wait, Josh getting drunk has nothing to do with this game, yet it is a forgone conclusion nonetheless.

Things I Have Learned in my First Two Days of Extra Innings:

• I hate my fantasy team. This means I will finish in the money.
• I would rather have a team of fun guys I like and finish last than hate my team.
• Milwaukee fans bring cardboard horseheads to the game. Why? They're drunk.
• The YES announcers are GOD-AWFUL! (not a shock to anyone)
• Shaun said "Break Up the Marlins" on the second day of the season
• Tim Wakefield's catcher is horrid, which will be hilarious to watch all season
• I will now watch EVERY Wakefield and R.A. Dickey start the rest of the year
• Josh getting drunk and "exercising" is hilarious... on many levels
• Trying to actually watch an Arizona v. Colorado game WILL make your eyes bleed
• Hearing Vin Scully call Dodgers games alone is worth the price of Extra Innings
• Shaun had his ticket to hell punched after saying that he hates Vin Scully
• Geoff Jenkins and Carlos Lee are lockermates. Brewers annoucers suck.
• Prince Fielder is Rob Deer without the contact...and I love it.
• Prince Fielder is on pace for 378 K's and is my new favorite player
• I own Shaun in RBI Baseball. In related news, Pee Wee Reese will ruin your life
• Fantasy baseball will make friends fight each about how much Tim Hudson sucks
• Fantasy baseball will make Shaun pound tables and say that Brett Myers sucks
• Shaun's "Brett Myers" statement would have been better if he'd pounded his shoe on the table and proclaimed that "Brett Myers sucks! We will bury you!" and then drank some vodka
• According to the YES announcers, the Yankees have not had one decent left-handed starting pitcher between Randy Johnson and Whitey Ford

For the next 180 days, whenever I get off work and think to myself "What am I going to do tonight..." instead of doing something productive like laundry, cleaning, or reading (hah!), I can be all like "Eff a bunch of boring crap, the Devil Rays and Orioles are on! Daniel Cabrera going for Baltimore tonight? And I've got Jay Gibbons and Johnny Gomes playing outfield! This is awesome!"

On second thought, someone schedule an intervention... after reading that last sentence, Extra Innings is going to ruin my life.

Opening Day as a National Holiday?

This post is to celebrate the greatness that is the start of the baseball season. For those of us from the STL, Opening Day should be a paid holiday since everyone who is at work is watching or listening to the game anyway. I'm sure it's like this in other cities but it seems universal in Saint Louis that anyone you see on the street during Opening Day asks you if you've heard the score.

Quick digression--I hate the "Baseball's Best Fans" crap as much as anyone since giving crappy, no-talent white guys standing ovations for striking out doesn't make you baseball's best fans, it just makes you a big homer (Dan McLaughlin)--but I'd venture to say that as a percentage of population, St. Louisans do less work on their team's opening day than any other city in America. That could just be because we're lazy, but come on, we can't be any lazier on the whole than Milwaukee or Cleveland, can we?

I anticipate this lack of work to be even worse on Monday April 10th since we'll be opening our brand new 32,000 seat ballpark and nobody can get tickets. With the myriad of possible ways to follow the game online dicreetly and without your boss seeing (which is ironic because he'll be watching the game too), I conservatively estimate that the Home Opener will cost St. Louis businesses approximately $33, 168,648.00. I propose that next year, we'd be better to just cancel work so that I can stay home and watch the game on TV, um, I mean, so that the St. Louis economy doesn't suffer this huge loss of productivity. Join me, people of St. Louis!

Come on, at least my idea is a better initiative to get behind than this, and they've already got like 3,000 signatures (GROSS!). If any if you come out in support of "Retire 51" I'll break your legs.

WrestleMania 22 Results: When I'm right, I'm right...When I'm wrong, nevermind

I got 8 out of 11 picks right. Ashton Kutcher has nothing on me, I'm awesome! Let's just have a look at each match and see how I did.

Tag-Team Championship: Champions Kane and Big Show def. Carlito and Chris Masters
First match in, and I got it one wrong, but that doesn't make it right. Cueball and Big Slow retain the belts and will continue to do nothing with them. By next month, no one will even realize there's a tag team title on RAW, and the belts will fade into obscurity. Kinda like the one-legged wrestler that used to be on SmackDown. Remember him? Exactly.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: RVD def. Lashley, Finley, Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, and Ric Flair
I was right, I'm awesome! The Whole F'n Show came through for me. Let's just hope when he "cashes in" it pays off more than it did for Edge. Personally, I thought it would've been great if he'd "cashed in" at the end of the show after the WWE title match with Cena and HHH, but I'm asking for too much I guess.

US Championship: JBL def. Champion Chris Benoit
Wrong again here. JBL snuck away with the win when, and let me make sure I get it right...Benoit reversed the Clothesline from Hell into the Crippler Crossface and JBL reversed that into a sort of Northern Lights pin while using the ropes for leverage (which is cheating, for those who don't know). Never knew the rich white guy had it in him.

Hardcore Match: Edge def. Mick Foley
Holy @#$%!!! Blood, bats, barbed wire, thumbtacks, and a flaming table. The only WWE match I've seen that was more brutal was the infamous Mankind/Undertaker Hell in a Cell. Mick even made Mr. Socko hardcore by wrapping barbed wire around him.

Handicap Match: Booker T and Sharmell VS The Boogeyman
Right again. I'm awesome, yeah you know it. Boogeyman scored the victory with a Baldo Bomb and a mouthful of worms.

Women's Championship: Mickie James def. Champion Trish Stratus
Right again, why am I so kickass? This was a pretty historical match in that it was the first to ever have a finish that involved crotch grabbing and finger licking. Wonder if GLAD will endorse Mickie after what WWE did to them a year or so ago?

Casket Match: Undertaker def. Mark Henry
I was right, but no one cares. Just like no one cared about this match. Utter crap. It was pointless going in. It was pointless during it. And it was pointless afterward. Taker remains undefeated at WrestleMania with his streak at 14-0, but I bet he would've rather ended his career with a loss in a world title match instead of carrying a 400 pound man who lookes like the Predator around the ring.

No Holds Barred Match: Shawn Michaels def. Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon and the entire Spirt Squad
Yes, Shawn single-handedly defeated seven people. And yes, I was right here, too. Shawn had to handcuff Shane to the ring ropes to keep him front interfering, but apparantly the Spirit Sqad members are so fragile that a punch to the face renders them all unconcious until the match's conclusion. After taking a 20-foot elbow drop and Sweet Chin Music, Vince was wheeled to the back still giving Shawn the finger, which means the feud isn't over, which means we still get to see Vince show his ass on television.

World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match: Rey Mysterio def. Rando Orton and Champion Kurt Angle
Right again. This should've been the Main Event, but none of the contenders were Vince's son-in-law. Rey pinned Orton after he and Orton both tapped out to Angle's Ankle Lock, but the ref didn't see it either time. Funny how that works out. This was probably the match of the night, and it's cool to see Rey as World Champ. Even if it's just temporary.

Playboy Pillow Fight: Torrie Wilson def. Candace Michelle
Who won? Torrie? Did anyone care? Both women ended up in their skivvies. Like we haven't seen that before... Not that I'm complaining, though.

WWE Championship: Champion John Cena def. HHH
Wrong here. Big time. In the most jaw-dropped moment in wrestling history, HHH jobbed clean to Cena by tapping out. Yes, Hunter did the job. Clean. Did I mention he lost? At WrestleMania?

So there you have it. WrestleMania 22 is officially in the books, so to speak. And I can say I got to see all of it: Shane getting his faced shoved up Vince's ass, Boogeyman eating worms, the Predator getting locked in a casket, and the first intentional wrestling female-to-female crotch grab in history.

"Hallelujah."

Finally--A Lineup Tony Pellegrino Would Like

Okay, so the World Baseball Classic didn't go as planned. Instead of the US vs. Dominican dream matchup, Japan played Cuba in the final. Bud Selig sat at home in his basement mumbling racial slurs, no doubt. But it's time to look past that and into the future. The next WBC in 2010.

The United States needs to focus this time, be prepared. We've got to show our dominance over other nations because baseball is our sport. We have a surplus of talent and have nothing to show for it!

Someone needs to assemble a team with high powered offensive weapons. And they play defense like there's no tomorrow. Losing is not an option this time.


Not this guy...










With the pressure at an all time high, can anyone handle it? Do such players exist, ones who can rise to the challenge?

Ladies and gentleman, I am a baseball genius. Not many have figured it out yet. I give you the greatest team ever assembled:

Your 2010 Team USA.

Leadoff, LF: Carl Crawford MVP 2005 (PS2).
You want a leadoff man with speed? Carl Crawford has shoes, son! You want a leadoff man with power? Play a season with Crawford and he'll hit you 40 easily. The glove is just a bonus. As soon as he grabs a bat, the game is about to be 1-0.

Batting Second, CF: Ken Griffey, Jr. Ken Griffey Jr.'s Winning Run (Super Nintendo)
Lesson 1 of video games: If they name the game after you, you have super powers. Ken Griffey did not play around on this game. He made it look too easy. By the way, if you want a hit, I suggest not hitting it to the outfield. Good luck.

Batting Third, 1B: Albert Pujols MVP 2004 (PS2)
Lesson 1A: If the player's face is on the cover of the game, he most likely has super powers too. But the powers are legitimate. If you thought Bert Flex was good in real life, press the start button and check the scoreboard: it's 3-0 already.

Cleanup, RF: Reggie Jackson RBI Baseball (Nintendo)
The most feared hitter in video game history. It's like he's got a big red club in his hands. Tell the ball you're sorry before you throw it, in whatever language you speak.


He's about to ruin your life









Batting Fifth, DH Paste Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
You'll notice a heavy influence of Nintendo baseball players in this lineup. You'll also notice a heavy rain of souvenir baseballs into the left field stands.

Batting Sixth, 3B Bay Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
Bay is the other half of the Jersey mash squad. He is an exceptional outfielder by trade. But he's also a team player and has mastered the art of playing third base. How? I asked the video game programmer to change "OF" to "3B."

Batting Seventh, SS Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl (Nintendo)
Okay, so Tecmo Bowl is a football game. And Bo Jackson is a running back in the game, who has never played SS in his life. Are you going to tell him he can't play? Having Bo in the seventh spot in this lineup is sick. Sorry but it's not over yet.


Grab your glove Bo








Batting Eighth, C Mo Vaughn All Star Baseball 2000 (N64)
I've never played All Star Baseball, but I've read the destruction that big Mo brings in this game. Plus the most fun and interesting part of the team would be seeing Mo Vaughn play catcher. Somebody has to right? We might have to tweak the rules and have home plate replaced by a barbecue pit.


This is what happens when you type "Mo
Vaughn" into a google search.








Batting Ninth, 2B Chone Figgins MVP 2005 (PS2)
Weak spot in the order? Please. Chone has put up 50-60 home runs before in a season. And if someone gets hurt, he'll play that position. Doesn't matter where, he'll play it.


While many great players have been left out of this lineup, I have decided that a bench is not necessary. Plus I will only take one pitcher. You probably assume it would be the likes of Roger Clemens or Nolan Ryan from RBI Baseball. How about Pedro Martinez or Randy Johnson from any late 90's game? Nope, not happening. I want THE MOST dominating cyber-pitcher of all time.

P Jeff D'Amico Tony's Stupid Baseball Simulator (PC)
I won't even give this simulation game the luxury of being named on this website. For some reason, every year that Tony played the game, Jeff D'Amico couldn't be stopped. It was a disgrace to anyone who has ever programmed a video game. And this wasn't really a video game, you just looked at stats and managed a team while the computer simulated it for you. But if it was a real game, Jeff D'Amico would stand 8 feet tall and weigh 300 pounds. Throwing 130 MPH gas, with a knee buckling 110 MPH slider. He could eat 3 72 oz. steaks in an hour (and still have sex with the waitress for the first 45 minutes). You don't know about Jeff D'Amico until Tony loads up this game for you. But trust me, you don't want that. Want to know the one positive thing this game produced? The phrase "Gary Gaetti eats up too much money" is now in my vocabulary.


mmm, money





So you see kids, this lineup cannot be stopped. And they don't get older, or suffer from diminished skills. Whether it's 2010 or 2100, this lineup will mash and there is nothing you can do about it. Except play for second place. Bud Selig, you owe me.

My 30 second TV Review

This week’s show: How I Met Your Mother (CBS)









I stumbled upon this show on Monday night, March 27. I have seen commercials for it and know just enough to assume that it sucks. But it does star Neil Patrick Harris, famous for playing Doogie Howser 15 years ago, and the lovely Alyson Hannigan (from American Pie fame), so it brings some minor celebrity to the table. I caught How I Met Your Mother for an estimated 30 seconds. Here is a recap of what happened:

*Doogie Howser (known as Barney on the show) hooked up with a girl last night.

*Doogie Howser is too cool to call her--ever.

*Doogie Howser has her number, but refuses to give it to his friend for a charity event.

*Doogie Howser used the phrase, “Oh Snap!”

Yes that’s right, Neil Patrick Harris/Doogie/Barney is portrayed as the coolest guy on the planet. I could reveal a complicated grading system like the newspaper or TV Guide might do. But after reading the above four statements, I think your cringing says enough. It receives the Stephen A. Smith stamp of...



TEWWIBBLE!

Forget the Final Four! Here's me WrestleMania 22 predictions!

With WrestleMania coming up this Sunday, I thought I'd add some "sports entertainment" to the sports site today by giving you my prediction for the show that brought wrestling out of bingo halls and into the limelight...or at least that's what Vince McMahon would like us to believe. Anyhoo, on to the matches...!


Torrie Wilson VS Candice Michelle (Playboy Pillow Fight)
Is this really a WrestleMania match? Are they serious? This would barely be an opener for their weekly TV shows. I love seeing hot chicks undressed as much as the next guy, but dedicating even five minutes of what's supposed to be the biggest wrestling show of the year just seems like heresy. No one cares who wins.

The Boogyman VS Booker T
The incredibly talented, incredibly misused, and despite it all incredibly entertaining 5-time WCW Champ, Booker T, is taking on the Boogeyman. Booker T has that cool Scissor Kick finisher, the Book End (his version of the Rock Bottom), and the Spin-A-Roonie (I know it's not really a move, but it's still fun to watch). The Boogeyman eats worms. So obviously Boogeyman gets the nod, based on WWE's "wild new direction."

Women's Championship: Champion Trish Stratus VS Mickie James
WWE just has a thing for lesbians. In fact, this match has more build than any other match on the card. Mickie's been lusting after Trish ever since last year. And I guess when the object of your affections turns you down flat, the only alternative is to challenge her to a match at WrestleMania. I suspect Mickie will be leaving WrestleMania as the first openly gay lesbian champ. And then next Monday on RAW she'll strut to the ring with Rico and say it was all just a publicity stunt.

Tag Team Championship: Champions Kane & Big Show VS Chris Masters & Carlito
Kane and Big Show should've been huge. They were big. They were bad. They were actually mildly over. So naturally, WWE did nothing with them. Carlito and Masters are actually pretty fun as a pair of bad guys. Although, without Carlito, Masters is nothing, even though Vince is so horny for big men. The smart decision is to go with Carlito and Masters.

United States Championship: Champion Chris Benoit VS JBL
Oh how the mighty have fallen. These guys are both former World Champions. And JBL, whether I liked him or not, was champ for nearly a year. But they're last names aren't Helmsley-McMahon so they're battling for the title of second place. JBL doesn't need to be US champ. He needs to be chasing the world title. Regardless of what Benoit deserves (the World title), he'll make a better US champ than JBL. Benoit retains.

Edge VS Cactus Jack
Edge was the most over World Champion in recent history when he took the World title from Cena at the end of last year. So, naturally, they took the title back a month later. So, for Foley's annual, coming-out-of-retirment-for-WrestleMania-match, Foley takes on Edge. And Foley always loses to put over younger talent. Admirable, but Edge doesn't really need it. Edge wins.

Casket Match: Undertaker VS Mark Henry
Haven't seen a casket match since Shawn Michaels originally hurt his back. Unfortunately, this match won't be near as good. Undertaker can barely move due to age and years of punishment to his body, and Henry can't move because he's a freakin' tank. Henry's just being fed to Undertaker to continue the WrestleMania undefeated streak. Undertaker wins, but the audience will be out getting popcorn or visiting the restroom.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Lashley, Matt Hardy, Finley, Shelton Benjamin, Rob Van Dam, and Ric Flair will battle for the opportunity to have a World Title shot whenever they want. Of all the matches on the card, this one will probably be the most entertaining. Lashley and Finley have been fueding lately, and many people speculate that they'll end up fighting into the crowd and disappearing from the match altogether--which is a good thing. Benjamin is currently the Intercontinental Champ, so he doesn't need a World Title opportunity just yet. And Ric Flair never needs another World Title shot ever again. Ever. That leaves Matt Hardy and RVD--both good choices. My pick: RVD, and he'll take his shot at the next ECW: One Night Stand PPV.

No Holds Barred Match: Vince McMahon VS Shawn Michaels
No DQ Match, No Holds Barred Match, Street Fight...whatever... They can call it whatever they like. It'll still suck. Shawn will win, and no one will care.

World Heavyweight Championship: Champion Kurt Angle VS Randy Orton VS Rey Mysterio
Mysterio won the Royal Rumble to gain a title shot at WrestleMania's main event. But his last name isn't McMahon-Helmsley, and neither are his opponents', so they're not in the Main Event. I have a hunch Rey will win his first World Championship. But they'll probably make him lose it to Orton a month later.

WWE Championship: Champion John Cena VS HHH
Yes, there are 2 world titles. It's because there are supposed to be two seperate "brands." Yes, it's very stupid. Hunter is married to Stephanie McMahon, and yes, it has everything to do with why he's always the champ and always in the Main Event. Trips wins after the almighty Pedigree. And the audience will groan for the tenth time.

1 Fact About Tony Pellegrino

Tony Pellegrino sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Tony roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Getting the dirt on Adam Morrison's upper lip

With the NCAA mens basketball tournament less than 2 days away, Bertflex's big sandwich sat down with Adam Morrison's moustache, or whatever the hell you want to call it, looking to get its perspective of the past year and what the future holds for this dynamic duo.


Sandwich - There has been lots of speculation among Berflex's writing staff that you are merely dirt on Adam's upper lip. Any comment?

stache - Listen, not everybody can be Tom Selleck. As you can see I am actual hair, and I don't appreciate your disrespectful assumption.

Sandwich - I just want everyone to know the truth.....uh.....sorry, I didn't get your name.

stache - Julius

Sandwich - Julius, could you describe your relationship with Adam?

Julius - Without a doubt I am "the" reason for any of that cracker's success! Just like Sampson's hair gave him super strength, I give Adam his "game". We first teamed up one weekend about 4 years ago when he went on a camping trip and didn't shave for like 5 days. I convinced him that I could bring him fame and donuts. That boy loves donuts.

Sandwich - By the way, where is Adam?

Julius - He's probably listening to his hair grow. Hell I don't know, that kid zones out a lot. I'm pretty sure his parents used to tour with the Dead.

Sandwich - With all of the "player of the year" talk and media coverage you must get a lot of female admirers and groupies.

Julius - Most of the chicks that go to Gonzaga could probably be our mascot. I really look forward to road games, especially the tournament since we're going to Oakland. Adam is an ugly sumbitch, but once a girl stares into my confusing and sparse hair pattern she gets hypnotized, it's like a deer caught in the headlights. Don't tell him this, but I'm only using him until I can get my porn career off the ground. Moustache ride ladies?

Sandwich - What does Julius do in his down time?

Julius - When I'm not reminding Adam to square his shoulders before he shoots, I like to listen to old Barry White records backwards to see if there are any hidden messages, I also like to cook sauerkraut and throw it on old people.

Sandwich - Good luck in the tournament.

Julius - Why is there a plastic parrot on your shoulder?

REAL NEWS: Girl Touches Schorr for 5 Bucks

Most of the members on the Bert Flex squad have taken a written "bashing" at one point or another so far (mostly coming from me; I'm a jerk...that's what I do). But one of the non STL-area writers has gotten off relatively easy so far, Hollywood, aka Matt Schorr.

That is until now.

The date: Saturday night, March 4, 2006. The event: East Prairie, MO Fire Department fundraiser, featuring a special Gateway Championship Wrestling event. The result: Matt realizes an easy way to get an attractive female to talk to him is to pay her $5.

On Saturday, Matt (native of Mayfield, KY) and I went to East Prairie to meet an old friend of mine who lives down there now. The three of us are dorks who have followed pro wrestling for a while and have seen GCW shows in the past. My friend Jeff works with the EP Fire Department and helped set up this fundraiser for the past couple months. I decided to help a brotha out and asked if Matt wanted to go too. After clearing his busy schedule to go watch some rasslin', the fun was about to begin.

Early in the day we noticed this lovely young woman helping set up with the rest of the ring crew hours before the show. There is not a lot of "talent" in the small small town of East Prairie, so she stood out a little more. Later during the show, she appeared as a valet in a match, with her character being a "bitch" to the fans as she called it. During the intermission, Matt's big moment arrived. The Dirty Old Man Gods spoke to us from the heavens and instructed Matt to take advantage of this golden opportunity.

It was during this break where all fans had the opportunity of posing with one of the GCW wrestlers for a picture. Not just any picture--a Polaroid! Yes they are still around, we have evidence below. But here's the catch, each Polaroid (typical value: about 5-10 cents) was going to cost you $5.

After minimal interest from the fans (probably about 2 pics were taken with the male wrestlers), the same ring girl/valet came out to sign autographs (yes I'm serious) and speak to the fans that she just pissed off because of her "heel" status!

After much debate from the trio of myself, Matt, and Jeff, we decided that although she looked young, she had to be at least 18. After a little persuasion, Matt stepped up to the plate and decided get that precious moment captured on Polaroid. The resulting picture is great, given the fact that Matt was mad that he didn't shave earlier in the day and looks slightly creepier than normal. Toss in a soda cup toast, huge grin, and we've got ourselves a winner:

For the record her name is Tiffany, and she took pictures with about 10 or so other guys after Matt set the trend. Photographic evidence shows that she was pretty into Matt, in comparison to the others.

I'll actually give Matt kudos on this one. He took one for the team by giving up $5 for the picture and the opportunity to talk to an actual living and breathing woman. Hopefully he won't make a habit of paying ladies to talk to him, but there are no guarantees of that. All in all, this story shows that deep down, Matt is perverted like the rest of us, and on his way to the well-populated city of Dirty Old Manville, not to be confused with Arnold.

BertFlex.com

Just a note to let everyone know that the domain name bertflex.com has been purchased and now points to our humble blog. It is no longer necessary to type the blogspot part, BERTFLEX.COM is alive, bitches!

I will also be working on a site redesign between now and THE WEEKEND so if you have ideas on what we can do better, talk to me. I'd like to start the Top 5 lists we've talked about in the past so if someone wants to step up on that, let me know. If you have good pics that should be on the Photo Gallery, send them to me.

To commemorate this event, BertFlex.com jerseys have been ordered! They are '80's style pullover Batting Practice jerseys, navy blue with red and white trim, white BertFlex.com on the front and #5 on the back. No lettering on the back so that also means no personalization. Hopefully they will be available at THE WEEKEND. (I'm paying extra for a rush so don't let me down Johnny Mac's)

The price will be $20, except for Josh and his XXL which costs $22. (I call this the "Fat Tax." Don't get mad Josh, I used to have to pay the Fat Tax too.) We have 13 on order (2 M, 2 L, 7 XL, 2 XXL) so reserve yours now. The style of jersey we're getting can be seen on the left. Get Pumped!

Cue that annoying music

As the Harlem Globetrotters go for win 22,000 tonight in Hartford, another team is looking for a milestone win in their short history. The New York Nationals will attempt to win their first game ever. Louis "Red" Klotz, the owner and manager of the Nationals, has been squaring off against the Globetrotters for over 50 years, he was also a player and a coach of the now disbanded Washington Generals who had an impressive record of 1 and 13,000+ agianst Harlems finest. "I had the winning shot against those mother fuckers in '71, we thought the drought was over, but we never won a game after that" exclaimed a clearly drunk Klotz. He folded the Generals in '95 to start a promising young team called the New York Nationals who have underwhelmed audiences with their "conventional" style of play. "We don't bounce balls off our head or throw buckets of confetti on people, that shit is gay" explains Nationals PF Tarvis McGlore "we play ball like your 'sposed to, one of these days we'll beat those ass-clowns and bring some respect back to exhibition basketball."





No wonder the Nationals have a hard time scoring.







Fan favorite Eugene Edgerson, of the Globetrotters, explained to me why they have had so much success against the Nationals. "Basically, they suck" Eugene told me, then after we laughed for a few minutes he said, "we know what they're gonna throw at us, we've played them almost every day for the past ten years."


Fun Globetrotter Facts:

*Some folks who have played for the Globetrotters - Wilt Chamberlain, Bob Gibson, and former Kansas Jayhawks star Michael Lee.






Lee - "The Globetrotters offered me 10 bucks to play for them, and I took it!"






*Besides their famous appearances on Scooby Doo, the Globetrotters had their own animated show for one year on CBS in the seventies, with unforgetable episodes such as: Hold that Hillbilly, Pardon My Magic, and Granny's Royal Ruckus.

*officially the Globetrotters have 344 loses, all but one have been handed out by Chuck Norris.






"Is Curly Neal gonna have to smack a bitch?!"

Blech... I Feel Like Bode Miller

Tonight, I feel like Bode Miller. "I just did it my way. I'm not a martyr, and I'm not a do-gooder. I just want to go out and rock. And man, I rocked here." I know he says he did the 2006 Olympics "his way". I like Bode's way-- I want to look back on my whole life and say I did it "my way". I want to be an underachiever and still have people appreciate me for it. Personally, I kind of think Bode's a shit-pile and for all the hype he could have won at least one friggin' medal, but whatever. I think "my way" would have included 5 gold medals. That's just me....

For all of you wondering where I have been (OK, Shaun, and maybe Tony, and MAYBE, if he's picked his head up out of his waffles, Josh), I've been camped out up here in Madison under 10 inches of snow. That might not sound like a lot, but it kind of is, especially since we got it in 12 hours. If it's enough to close the schools here, it's a lot. We have a 1:1 ratio of snowplows to people and they still couldn't keep up with it. So, I didn't make it down to STL for my birthday. I would love to come down for "the weekend" but I will be in sunny Southern California helping my sister evaluate the LA area for living. It's a rough life, being a student, what can I say! So, hopefully I will see you guys sometime in the next few months. I hope you all had an awesome Mardi Gras. I miss you, and long live Teams Ramrod & BYOB!

Blech!

For those of us who love nasty jerseys, here's one worn by the Milwaukee Admirals minor league hockey team. I can only imagine that Ann Bermer had something to do with the designing of these historically bad uniforms.

2006 Cardinals Preview

It's that time of the year again--spring training is upon us! I know everyone on staff here at bertflex.com is pumped about the 2006 season for the St. Louis Cardinals (with the exception of one unlucky Cubs fan). This is also the time of year that many sports publications like to preview the Majors with their "Top 10 Questions for the Upcoming Season." ESPN does it, Sports Illustrated too. The Post-Dispatch always has a complete baseball preview with many pages dedicated to the Cardinals.

And like clockwork, they print their "Top 10 Questions" list every year around this time. But the writers and sports editors have been neglecting tons of other questions throughout the years. That's why we are here--to address the second set of important issues facing the Cardinals.

I bring to you Questions #11-20 for the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals:

11. How many people will die over tickets this year?
You all know by now that this is the first season in the new Busch Stadium. Tickets to pretty much every game this year will be hard to come by unless you are lucky enough to buy them the first day they go on sale. Since demand will be so high, I predict that stabbings and ass-beatings will be at an all time high as well. If you have tickets, it is recommended that you don't tell anyone and carry mace with you at all times.

12. Will David Eckstein change his batting music?
Last season he used Ludacris' #1 Spot and one would assume he had no say in this. Will Little Davey keep it thuggin' for another year? I hope so. I'm guessing he'll go with something by Lil' Scrappy (because of Eckstein's style of play) or Mike Jones ("back then Jayson Stark didn't like me, now I'm hot, he all on me.") But if he really wanted impress, he'd go with Matisyahu (those Jewish guys gotta stick together).

13. When will Anthony Reyes fix the straight brim on his cap?
Never.


Why mess with perfection?









14. Why do we have Gary Bennett?
I know the backup catcher role isn't very important. But it's Gary Bennett. Sadly enough this is a tremendous upgrade from Cody McKay and Einar Diaz. For those with a bad memory, Gary Bennett is marginally famous for starting a brawl with Albert Pujols and the Cardinals a couple years ago. My suggestion to iron the situation out: Day 1 of spring training, Albert gives Bennett a list of high class restaurants. He is to take Albert and his family to dinner, wait in the car, and pay for it every night until all is forgiven. Probably somewhere around October, when Bennett's one year deal is up.

15. Will bertflex.com be a sponsor at the new Busch?
It appears that every company in St. Louis will be a sponsor in one way or another and we are no different. I'd like to announce that this site has bought the rights to be the official sponsor of the John Mabry standing ovation when he returns to St. Louis as a member of the Cubs. Our predictions show that "Mayberry" will pinch hit in the 8th inning on Saturday April 22nd. This was the cheapest form of advertising the Cardinals had to offer, but definitely worth the 100 grand that we paid for it!

16. Is Mark Mulder the Doug Weight of baseball?
Great in the regular season, but turns into Jose DeLeon in the postseason. I'd hate to rile up Cardinal Nation, but after pitching a couple lackluster games in the NLCS...I'm just saying...

17. What will be the best "old lady" complaint this year?
Last year there was a real pissed off old lady who had a complaint published in the Post-Dispatch's Sound Off, and was reported to have sent multiple emails to Tim McKernan on KFNS about one highly important problem: Albert Pujols' black undershirt. In case you've never noticed, the shirt he wears under his jersey is black, and not red like his teammates. Obviously this is a problem because of Pujols' mediocre career so far, as well as the distraction in the clubhouse that it brings. We might as well have Terrell Owens playing first base. I'm not sure what Pujols the troublemaker is thinking, but the old lady has a great point.


Cheer up Mrs. Cowher





18. What is served on tap inside the clubhouse?
Wait, only one person wants to know that...

19. How will WB 11 viewers respond to the new and improved Ricky Horton?
A 2005 survey showed that the former Cardinal reliever is the most informative, most entertaining, and overall best announcer in Major League Baseball. Unfortunately the survey was only given to 4th graders around the St. Louis area. But will their feelings change after Horton reveals his new attitude during the first week of the new season? Since November 6, 2005, Ricky Horton has been locked in his basement listening to tapes of Jim Rome. He has since turned into a smack talking, no-nonsense, get-to-the-point badass announcer. His new edgy material and perfectly trimmed goatee might be too much for his fans early on in the year, but I think they'll adapt and appreciate his "epic" takes that "won't suck."



PHENOMENAL goatee Horton!














20. How long will it take Tony Pellegrino to get pissed and predict a 4th place finish?
This happens every year, whether the team is playing well or not. It is like an annual ritual. I'm guessing this year it will happen somewhere around late April, again in June, and once more in late August when the Cardinals are 16 games ahead of the second place Astros.

THE WEEKEND

Consider this your Official Notice for THE WEEKEND. On March 16-19, my condo will be the site of the greatest sports-related weekend in the history of man. Officially, it is the first in-person fantasy baseball draft we've ever held. Unofficially, it is an action-packed sports-a-thon featuring:

• First & Second round of the NCAA Basketball Tournament
• The Semifinals of the World Baseball Classic
• Nightly cash King of the Hill tournaments in the gameroom (foosball, pop-a-shot, RBI baseball)
• Stump the Schwab-Lite (could be team format depending on attendance)
• EA's NCAA Baseball 2006 on the PS2
• Degenerate gambling
• Backyard wiffleball
• Mad shit-talkin'
• Mad food
• Last but not least... that's right I said it, a keg

Assemble your crew, Charlie Murphy. Doors are at 7pm Wednesday March 15th and will be continuously open until approx 2am Monday March 20th. Make your reservations now.

FINE PRINT
League members, let me know what times you are planning on attending on Saturday and Sunday so that we can get a time for the draft in place ASAP.
For those coming from out of town, let me know what I can do to make your life easier. York has already requested a pickup and drop off at the airport so if you need a pickup, let me know
THE WEEKEND is open to invited friends of league members as well but be sure that the person who invited you is there to vouch for you. Exception: If I don't know you or don't like you, I have veto power (This is called the "Woodman Rule").

ULTRA-FINE PRINT
Small set of rules for this event (to ensure that my condo will not be declared a Disaster Area on monday morning)

1. Puking anywhere besides the toilet, bathroom sink or bathtub will result in a severe ass-beating my myself and Shaun "The Hammer" Kennedy.


2. You have 10 minutes to clean any vomit-related residue in and around the designated areas. Failure to comply = ass-beating.


3. Out of town guests of the league (York, Marlon, Randy, Brendan) have first dibs on sleeping areas. There are 5 options (2 couches, 2 air matresses, 1 recliner) so we do have provisions for others to stay. If you are from the area and are planning to stay overnight, bring a sleeping bag, air mattress, or other provisions to ensure you won't have to sleep on the floor.


4. My bedroom will remain locked at all times to prevent accidental druken occupation of my bed. Personal escort by me will be the only way to gain access.


5. There may be a nominal cover to help pay for the keg if you're drinking. I'll eat as much of the cost as I can afford but I may not be able to cover it all.


6. If you have a laptop computer, bring it with you. CBS is broadcasting all the games online so we can set up laptops to see the other games in progress besides the one the CBS nazis decide we have to watch.

ADDITIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY HZ-DUB'S MOST WANTED:

I'd like to take this opportunity to let everyone know the first contest of "The Weekend." The Adam Morrison look-alike contest. Sport your best dirt lip mustache and win a prize (probably food or beer-related). It's that easy!