This just in...

Two recent developments have shocked the sporting world: First, in Mississippi, Brett Favre is reportedly "very close" to making a decision regarding whether he will have chicken or steak at a local Applebee’s. For two weeks now, sports writers, Packers Fans, and 17 –year-old waitress Ashley Robbins have been waiting to hear what the football legend/ superhero/ studmuffin will have for dinner. Favre, in a recent statement, underscored the importance of his imminent decision. "The Bourbon Street Steak has always been one of my favorites, but Fiesta Lime Chicken just sounds really tasty right now. I realize that I’ve been sitting in this Applebee’s since March 25th, but I don’t think I could live with myself were I to make the wrong choice here." Although experts are encouraged that he has officially dropped Shrimp Fajitas and Cobb Salad from the list of choices, sources close to our nation’s most beloved god-like dreamboat say that he is no closer to ordering today than he was during the now infamous "Should I eat dessert first?" fiasco on April 2.
In other news, the city of Bristol, Connecticut is in a panic today, as two armed gunmen have locked themselves into the Baseball Tonight studio at ESPN headquarters. The assailants, recently identified as ESPN’s own Mark Schlereth and Sean Salisbury, have already killed Harold Reynolds, Tino Martinez, and two cameramen, and have threatened to kill more hostages if their demands are not met. Schlereth, clad only in green and gold jammies and a "Cheesehead" hat, conducted a televised interview with CNN, expressing his demands: "Brett Favre is a FOOTBALL player. This guy loves to play hard-nosed, smash mouth, grab-ass FOOTBALL…. FOOTBALL!!!!" Sean Salisbury, having used a Bowie knife to carve the number "4" into his chest, clarified, saying "What the F*** is with this baseball S***?!? Can’t you retards understand that the greatest American since Winston Churchill is trying to make a decision, and we owe it to him to tongue his sack until he says otherwise? DAMMIT!!!" When the interviewer responded that Winston Churchill was in fact not an American, Salisbury tore the reporter’s head off and ate it. Salisbury then chased the cameraman around the room, ripping at his own flesh, while Schlereth ejaculated on a Brett Favre bobble-head doll, mumbling the word "football" repeatedly. Venerable baseball analyst Peter Gammons, having recently fled the country in fear, had this to say via telephone interview: "If those guys want to turn Baseball Tonight into the Brett Favre Show, I have no problem with that…. So long as they trade him the Red Sox first."