Finally--A Lineup Tony Pellegrino Would Like

Okay, so the World Baseball Classic didn't go as planned. Instead of the US vs. Dominican dream matchup, Japan played Cuba in the final. Bud Selig sat at home in his basement mumbling racial slurs, no doubt. But it's time to look past that and into the future. The next WBC in 2010.

The United States needs to focus this time, be prepared. We've got to show our dominance over other nations because baseball is our sport. We have a surplus of talent and have nothing to show for it!

Someone needs to assemble a team with high powered offensive weapons. And they play defense like there's no tomorrow. Losing is not an option this time.

Not this guy...

With the pressure at an all time high, can anyone handle it? Do such players exist, ones who can rise to the challenge?

Ladies and gentleman, I am a baseball genius. Not many have figured it out yet. I give you the greatest team ever assembled:

Your 2010 Team USA.

Leadoff, LF: Carl Crawford MVP 2005 (PS2).
You want a leadoff man with speed? Carl Crawford has shoes, son! You want a leadoff man with power? Play a season with Crawford and he'll hit you 40 easily. The glove is just a bonus. As soon as he grabs a bat, the game is about to be 1-0.

Batting Second, CF: Ken Griffey, Jr. Ken Griffey Jr.'s Winning Run (Super Nintendo)
Lesson 1 of video games: If they name the game after you, you have super powers. Ken Griffey did not play around on this game. He made it look too easy. By the way, if you want a hit, I suggest not hitting it to the outfield. Good luck.

Batting Third, 1B: Albert Pujols MVP 2004 (PS2)
Lesson 1A: If the player's face is on the cover of the game, he most likely has super powers too. But the powers are legitimate. If you thought Bert Flex was good in real life, press the start button and check the scoreboard: it's 3-0 already.

Cleanup, RF: Reggie Jackson RBI Baseball (Nintendo)
The most feared hitter in video game history. It's like he's got a big red club in his hands. Tell the ball you're sorry before you throw it, in whatever language you speak.

He's about to ruin your life

Batting Fifth, DH Paste Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
You'll notice a heavy influence of Nintendo baseball players in this lineup. You'll also notice a heavy rain of souvenir baseballs into the left field stands.

Batting Sixth, 3B Bay Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
Bay is the other half of the Jersey mash squad. He is an exceptional outfielder by trade. But he's also a team player and has mastered the art of playing third base. How? I asked the video game programmer to change "OF" to "3B."

Batting Seventh, SS Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl (Nintendo)
Okay, so Tecmo Bowl is a football game. And Bo Jackson is a running back in the game, who has never played SS in his life. Are you going to tell him he can't play? Having Bo in the seventh spot in this lineup is sick. Sorry but it's not over yet.

Grab your glove Bo

Batting Eighth, C Mo Vaughn All Star Baseball 2000 (N64)
I've never played All Star Baseball, but I've read the destruction that big Mo brings in this game. Plus the most fun and interesting part of the team would be seeing Mo Vaughn play catcher. Somebody has to right? We might have to tweak the rules and have home plate replaced by a barbecue pit.

This is what happens when you type "Mo
Vaughn" into a google search.

Batting Ninth, 2B Chone Figgins MVP 2005 (PS2)
Weak spot in the order? Please. Chone has put up 50-60 home runs before in a season. And if someone gets hurt, he'll play that position. Doesn't matter where, he'll play it.

While many great players have been left out of this lineup, I have decided that a bench is not necessary. Plus I will only take one pitcher. You probably assume it would be the likes of Roger Clemens or Nolan Ryan from RBI Baseball. How about Pedro Martinez or Randy Johnson from any late 90's game? Nope, not happening. I want THE MOST dominating cyber-pitcher of all time.

P Jeff D'Amico Tony's Stupid Baseball Simulator (PC)
I won't even give this simulation game the luxury of being named on this website. For some reason, every year that Tony played the game, Jeff D'Amico couldn't be stopped. It was a disgrace to anyone who has ever programmed a video game. And this wasn't really a video game, you just looked at stats and managed a team while the computer simulated it for you. But if it was a real game, Jeff D'Amico would stand 8 feet tall and weigh 300 pounds. Throwing 130 MPH gas, with a knee buckling 110 MPH slider. He could eat 3 72 oz. steaks in an hour (and still have sex with the waitress for the first 45 minutes). You don't know about Jeff D'Amico until Tony loads up this game for you. But trust me, you don't want that. Want to know the one positive thing this game produced? The phrase "Gary Gaetti eats up too much money" is now in my vocabulary.

mmm, money

So you see kids, this lineup cannot be stopped. And they don't get older, or suffer from diminished skills. Whether it's 2010 or 2100, this lineup will mash and there is nothing you can do about it. Except play for second place. Bud Selig, you owe me.

1 comment:

big sandwich said...

What's up with Butt Selig throwing the 4 in that picture?!!!! He's not in the James Madison Gang!!! Now I really hate his ass. Great article Shaun.