Forget the Final Four! Here's me WrestleMania 22 predictions!

With WrestleMania coming up this Sunday, I thought I'd add some "sports entertainment" to the sports site today by giving you my prediction for the show that brought wrestling out of bingo halls and into the limelight...or at least that's what Vince McMahon would like us to believe. Anyhoo, on to the matches...!

Torrie Wilson VS Candice Michelle (Playboy Pillow Fight)
Is this really a WrestleMania match? Are they serious? This would barely be an opener for their weekly TV shows. I love seeing hot chicks undressed as much as the next guy, but dedicating even five minutes of what's supposed to be the biggest wrestling show of the year just seems like heresy. No one cares who wins.

The Boogyman VS Booker T
The incredibly talented, incredibly misused, and despite it all incredibly entertaining 5-time WCW Champ, Booker T, is taking on the Boogeyman. Booker T has that cool Scissor Kick finisher, the Book End (his version of the Rock Bottom), and the Spin-A-Roonie (I know it's not really a move, but it's still fun to watch). The Boogeyman eats worms. So obviously Boogeyman gets the nod, based on WWE's "wild new direction."

Women's Championship: Champion Trish Stratus VS Mickie James
WWE just has a thing for lesbians. In fact, this match has more build than any other match on the card. Mickie's been lusting after Trish ever since last year. And I guess when the object of your affections turns you down flat, the only alternative is to challenge her to a match at WrestleMania. I suspect Mickie will be leaving WrestleMania as the first openly gay lesbian champ. And then next Monday on RAW she'll strut to the ring with Rico and say it was all just a publicity stunt.

Tag Team Championship: Champions Kane & Big Show VS Chris Masters & Carlito
Kane and Big Show should've been huge. They were big. They were bad. They were actually mildly over. So naturally, WWE did nothing with them. Carlito and Masters are actually pretty fun as a pair of bad guys. Although, without Carlito, Masters is nothing, even though Vince is so horny for big men. The smart decision is to go with Carlito and Masters.

United States Championship: Champion Chris Benoit VS JBL
Oh how the mighty have fallen. These guys are both former World Champions. And JBL, whether I liked him or not, was champ for nearly a year. But they're last names aren't Helmsley-McMahon so they're battling for the title of second place. JBL doesn't need to be US champ. He needs to be chasing the world title. Regardless of what Benoit deserves (the World title), he'll make a better US champ than JBL. Benoit retains.

Edge VS Cactus Jack
Edge was the most over World Champion in recent history when he took the World title from Cena at the end of last year. So, naturally, they took the title back a month later. So, for Foley's annual, coming-out-of-retirment-for-WrestleMania-match, Foley takes on Edge. And Foley always loses to put over younger talent. Admirable, but Edge doesn't really need it. Edge wins.

Casket Match: Undertaker VS Mark Henry
Haven't seen a casket match since Shawn Michaels originally hurt his back. Unfortunately, this match won't be near as good. Undertaker can barely move due to age and years of punishment to his body, and Henry can't move because he's a freakin' tank. Henry's just being fed to Undertaker to continue the WrestleMania undefeated streak. Undertaker wins, but the audience will be out getting popcorn or visiting the restroom.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Lashley, Matt Hardy, Finley, Shelton Benjamin, Rob Van Dam, and Ric Flair will battle for the opportunity to have a World Title shot whenever they want. Of all the matches on the card, this one will probably be the most entertaining. Lashley and Finley have been fueding lately, and many people speculate that they'll end up fighting into the crowd and disappearing from the match altogether--which is a good thing. Benjamin is currently the Intercontinental Champ, so he doesn't need a World Title opportunity just yet. And Ric Flair never needs another World Title shot ever again. Ever. That leaves Matt Hardy and RVD--both good choices. My pick: RVD, and he'll take his shot at the next ECW: One Night Stand PPV.

No Holds Barred Match: Vince McMahon VS Shawn Michaels
No DQ Match, No Holds Barred Match, Street Fight...whatever... They can call it whatever they like. It'll still suck. Shawn will win, and no one will care.

World Heavyweight Championship: Champion Kurt Angle VS Randy Orton VS Rey Mysterio
Mysterio won the Royal Rumble to gain a title shot at WrestleMania's main event. But his last name isn't McMahon-Helmsley, and neither are his opponents', so they're not in the Main Event. I have a hunch Rey will win his first World Championship. But they'll probably make him lose it to Orton a month later.

WWE Championship: Champion John Cena VS HHH
Yes, there are 2 world titles. It's because there are supposed to be two seperate "brands." Yes, it's very stupid. Hunter is married to Stephanie McMahon, and yes, it has everything to do with why he's always the champ and always in the Main Event. Trips wins after the almighty Pedigree. And the audience will groan for the tenth time.


Anonymous said...

that sounds pretty terrible and makes me glad i haven't watched much wrestling in a while. my prediction is that "concession stand sales" and "amount of smoke breaks taken" will be through the roof this sunday, because people will need to be occupied by something while the matches are going on.

Hollywood said...

Some friends are actually getting together to watch the show this Sunday. I agreed to go provided enough people showed up that I only had to pay $10 or less.

If RVD wins his match to get a title shot that he'll likely win, it'll almost be worth seeing.