Summer Kickoff

Since I had to work monday afternoon, and was denied my God-given right to get "crookedy" and "grilltastic", I am getting super crunk saturday. There will be BBQ, beer, Cubs/Cards baseball, probably some wiffleball, loud music, and me cursing at the TV. All are welcome to attend this funky good time at the sandwich apartment.

Poor Josh

We always hate picking on Josh, but this is a great picture...

See more pics like this in the bertflex.com photo gallery.

RIP Ironhead

Saturday was a sad day for sports fans, as we say goodbye to Craig "Ironhead" Heyward. Ironhead was one of the best goal-line fullbacks in the history of the game. Plowing guys over for TD's was Ironhead's specialty, and his NFL career lasted until 1998. Ironhead made a brief stop in St. Louis for the '97 season. He only scored one touchdown that year; unfortunately that made him one of the most productive players on the team. One infamous memory I have of him was when Dick Vermeil made Ironhead run laps after practice during training camp because he was so fat. Channel 5 showed him running, and running, and running all around the field while Mike Bush talked over the "highlight." We will truly miss you Mr. Heyward, you were fun to watch.

Oh yeah...there is one more infamous memory I have of Ironhead:





















Thank you Ironhead for educating us on "this thingy."


That's Lather Builder, CHUMP!!

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report! We are your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Once again, Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We get thousands of questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

We have forgone using a badass picture of Tony this week. Instead we give you the photographic definition of "Post-Triple Syndrome," as experienced in last night's softball game. Symptoms include: fatigue, sweating, heavy breathing, craving for hamburgers, and more sweating. But the triple was worth it, as Tony got to jog home easily after the following batter drove him in.


As a side note, Tony's team won the game 6-5. That's right, 6-5 in a 7 inning softball game. Believe it or not, a handful of people actually watched it.

Note that I'm looking away from the plate as I come in to score. Most people thought I was looking at a coach or something. I was actually watching someone eat a DonutBurger and seething with rage since I didn't have one.
Not that you care, but that was a softball game in which I allowed ZERO earned runs. The 5-spot they put on me in the second inning was all unearned due to my 3rd Baseman attempting to kill a baserunner with a throw twice on 2 consecutive plays. Six shutout innings out of seven. I'm the Napolean Lackey of softball. -Tony

We apologize for missing last week's edition of Who's Shitty. The editorial staff of bertflex.com was on vacation, relaxing from the daily routine of working and watching baseball. It was filled with video games and baseball. Hopefully your fantasy team didn't collapse without Tony's advice.

1. (Brett T.--LA) I'd like to know how the guy with "Tomko" on the back of his jersey did not get lit up at Coors last Monday night? No one thought that was ever possible. Does this rank up there with the Miracle on Ice?

For some unknown reason, the man the myth the legend Brett Tomko is actually having a decent season in LA. There is no known explanation for this phenomenon, but I insist that it is merely a fluke. I mean, Hideo Nomo threw a no-hitter at Coors at a time in his career where nobody would confuse him with a good pitcher. I blame it more on a Rockies off day at the plate rather than any "miracle." I've seen Glendan Rusch and Aaron Harang shut out the Cardinals before so it's more of "that's why games aren't played on paper, they're played inside TV sets" type of effect. That said, I've decided to take one for all of humanity and start Tomko for my fantasy team tonight against the Nationals tonight thus ensuring that he gets lit up for like 8 earned in 2 innings. You're welcome Brett.

2. (Big Head--Da Big O) Can you explain why one fantasy player does so terrible for me, but when he is picked by another team, he does great. Then when I pick him for my team again he is TERRIBLE? There has to be a law against this. I am talking about Aramis Ramierez, the anti-David Ortiz (or also known as 'Big Papiece of Shit'). I know the Cubs haven't had luck at the three bag for awhile, and a legless Ron Santo could hit better. For this reason alone, I hate the Cubs.

It's simple BH, Aramis Ramirez hates you. He'd rather play for Justin or Joel since they are Cubs fans but he knows that you own him so he's trying to get traded. He just wants a change of scenery and you have no choice but to give it to him. I was in a similar situation last year with Victor Martinez a.k.a. Vic-Turd Fart-inez. I took him WAY too effing early in our draft hoping he would continue to hit. At the end of May, he was hitting .210 so I got fed up and traded him for Mike Lowell. If memory serves, Fartinez's batting average was approximately 7 Billion in the second half (actually .380) and Mike Lowell's was not. This year, I own Fartinez again and he's doing a little better but I will never forgive him for last year and you shouldn't forgive A-Ram either. Wash your hands of him. Find a Cubs fan who will trade you something decent for him and roll with it. Just don't trade him for Mike Lowell.

3. (Big Sandwich--Mr. Goodcents) Yo TP, I've got Casey Blake and Nick Swisher on my squad and was wondering if I should sell these guys while their stock is high or do they have the legs to be productive all year for me? To say they are over-achieving is an understatement. Blake (.354-9 jacks-34 RBI's-.431 OBP) only has a career high BA of .271 and Swisher (.288-13 jacks-34 RBI's) didn't show signs of being a star his rookie season last year. Look into your crystal ball, my fantasy team hinges on your advice.

You might be able to sell Swisher high since he's still young and this MIGHT be a better indication of his career than last season. He's starting channel some mid-90's A's to take on some of the Truck Driver qualities which may not help him play better but will make him a cooler person. The problem with Swisher is that he's THE man in Oak-town. Nobody else can hit a lick on that team so he's gotta do it his-own-self. He might be worth holding onto since he's young (25) and could get better. Then again, I'm only 26 and already WAY past my prime so take that for what it's worth.

Blake on the other hand is a bum. He's 32 with a .263 career average. You tell me if you think he's a good investment. Keep this in mind: Cleveland Manager Eric Wedge thinks so much of Blake's hot start, he's been hitting him 7th or 8th all year. If you can find a taker that will give you ANYTHING of value, take it. Blake will come back to earth soon and you don't want to have him hit .150 in the second half for your team.

4. (John Cusak--Hollywood, CA) Does WGN still do the Southwest Airlines "How far did it fly"? I haven't seen too many Cub home runs this year. I'm too busy filming Must Love Dogs 2 to catch any baseball. But I sure am gay for anything Chicago!

The "How Far Did It Fly?" promotion is going through a transitional phase at the moment. The WGN Studios are trying to save the promotion and here are a couple of the leading ideas:

• "How Far Did Juan Pierre's Last Popout Fly?"
• "How Far Will Jim Hendry Fall When He Jumps Off The Sears Tower?"
• "How Many Toothpicks Did Dusty Baker Go Through This Game?"
• "How Many Games Can Michael Barrett Get Suspended This Year?"
• "How Long Until Ryan Dempster Reads the Name on the Back of His Jersey?"

Submit your best ideas to this website and we'll make sure they make it through the proper channels. We would offer you a pair of roundtrip tickets on Southwest if you win, but Shaun already used them to fly to Wyoming. Actually he flew to Denver and then was carried by pack-mule to Wyoming since everyone knows there are no planes in Wyoming.

5. (Shaun--Powell, WY) Tony, the final question each week is usually not fantasy-related. Please take this opportunity and punk out Red Lobster. Their current "deal" is 30 shrimp for $12.99. Are we supposed to buy that? Who are they targeting--Nicole Richie? 30 shrimp is a good warmup for 75 more shrimp.

For the low low price of $16.99 you can get 45 shrimp instead of 30, which is still a ripoff. We should petition Red Lobster to have the All-You-Can-Eat-Shrimp (AYCES) on the menu at all times, but charge like $24.95 for it. I'd pay that to eat about 100 scrimps. There WILL be a post on this site the day the AYCES comes back for it's yearly celebration (it's usually in the fall if I remember correctly) and there will be subsequent parties by all members of the BertFlexUniverse to celebrate one of the top 5 days of they year. I'm gonna take off work for it, and you should too.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Barf!

I know it's for a good cause and all, but damn....

and damn again...

Hey Jack, Ya Hungry?

DONUTBURGER SHOWDOWN!

A few days ago Big Sandwich wrote an article about some of the many fine menu items you may read about in the upcoming obituaries in your local paper. One of them was the DonutBurger, introduced by the geniuses who run the Gateway Grizzlies Minor League Baseball team. Their job is to sell tickets. Because of the DonutBurger, I plan on going to a game this year. Mission Accomplished.

Jack Clark and Danny Cox have been friends since their days playing for the Cardinals in the 80's. They have developed a friendly rivalry recently because Cox is the manager for the previously mentioned Grizzlies, while Clark is a hitting coach for the River City Rascals--both teams are located in the St. Louis area. But the rivalry is not on the field like you would suspect. It has shifted off the field...yes, I'm talking about DonutBurger Eating Contests. Just look at the joy that the DonutBurger brings to these two men.

















That's a good 600 pounds involved in that hug. Jack Clark can't even reach his hand to the "3-4" on Cox's back. Think about that...

There will be many eating contests between the two ex-teammates, but they will all pale in comparison to the DonutBurger Showdown scheduled for later this summer. Clark actually got a pre-game shot in on Cox earlier tonight.



"After embarassing Danny Cox in the DonutBurger Showdown, I plan on eating his second baseman."






Stay tuned to see who can have the most heart attacks after the eat-off!

Hey girl...ya hungry?

The big sandwich is back, and he's got something for that ass. This article will do one of two things: make you extremely sick to your stomach, or, make some of you put some pants on and head to your local "grease-trap". 2/3rds of the U.S. is clinically obese and with appetizing dishes like these it's not hard to see why. I would say that, besides sports, food is next most talked about subject among the writers of this website, which is where I got the inspiration for this.


I submit Exhibit A: KFC's new "one-stop trough of death", as I so lovingly call it. You start off with about a pound and a half of mashed potatoes as a base, then (I submit it sacralidge to attempt to eat the taters without gravy) a layer of gravy, followed by the healthiest part of the dish, corn (which will give some color to brick of shit you'll painfully pass after this meal), fried chicken pieces that come from "some" part of the chicken, and top this beauty off with some processed cheese. This is for people who want to focus more on watching their favorite programming on the WB and less time searching for specific food items on their plate.



Exhibit B: Hardee's will never let you down when you are trying, so desperately, to clog your helpless arteries. Why top your burger with ordinary things like ketchup and pickles when the obvious condiment your missing is MORE MEAT! I love the thought of putting a sandwich on top of another sandwich. I wish McDonald's would adopt this mentality and fuse the McRib with the Quarter Pounder and then maybe throw some McNuggets on top for good measure, call it the Barnyard Burger!




Exhibit C: This Sunday, the 21st, is the first chance you can get your hands on the 1000 calorie, 45 fat gram Krispy Kreme Burger at GMC Stadium in Sauget. Grizzlies Games are a great time to begin with, but, the addition of this menu item has me contemplating getting season tickets. Just look at that picture.... that greasy thing is going to slide out of your asshole quicker than you can say "Shut up coach!" Adding a Krispy Kreme donut to any food item is automatically tempting fate, but what a way to die! I officially submit we have a Bertflex.com night at GMC Stadium, pony up some dough and rent the hot tub in right field, and sit there all night and eat these things with our shirts off and see how many people we can offend.





Exhibit D: This delicacy can be found in Decatur, Georgia a.k.a. "Tha Dec" in a suburban bar called Mulligans. You might want to take a mulligan instead of eating this thing! The Hamdog is served as such: a hotdog, wrapped in a beef patty, deep-fried, covered with chili (we're not close to being done), cheese, onions, on a hoagie bun, topped with a fried egg and 2 fistfulls of fries. GAME OVER!











To top off this article I leave you with SNL's ode to fat-ass America.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report! This has quickly become an instant hit on the internet--we are your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Once again, Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We get thousands of questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Just like our friends at Yahoo Fantasy Sports are famous for, here is a badass picture of Tony Pellegrino, which I've titled Tony Dubs. This picture was taken hours before the Cardinals beat the Astros in game 7 of the 2004 NLCS. Roger Clemens asked Tony to put his chin down. Tony refused.



This week we cover everything from death pools to the new Madden cover. Is baseball season already this boring?

1. (Big Sandwich--Penn Station grill) I am a first year fantasy commisioner and was wondering how I get the remaining few members of the league to pony up their league fees without threatening to freeze their teams. I don't want to be a dick, but at the same time, I know the longer I wait the harder it will be to collect. The group of delinquint paying members consist of: a guy who likes waffles and debating whether his "man-love" of Jake Peavy outweighs his obsession with helping people move, a Cards fan who loves "splitting a tree" and hustling anyone with a cigarette at Madden on the PS2, and an extremely pink Cubs fan who gets his jollies off by consuming large quantities of Salisbury Steak and impressing people with his putrid flatulence. Please help me!

Locking their teams won't help. It will only get them NOT to pay you since they're already dropping in the standings while they're locked. Why pay when your team is already doomed? It may cost you a little bit, but I would throw a "Waffles, Salisbury Steak, Beer, Squares and Trees" party at your house and that should ensure that your delinquent league members show up. I mean, pick your vice, there's something there for everyone. When they get there, Shaun "The Hammer" Kennedy and I can be there to rough them up and get you your money. Seriously, who would try and mess with such bad-asses as me and "The Hammer"? For the two of us to show up, you have to have a PS2 since it is documented fact that we've played PS2 at every party we've ever been to. I'll bring MVP 2006 and it will be on. I suggest we do it after softball.

2 (Big Head--Omaha) TP, I've got a big draft coming up in a death pool. Obviously, there are some automatic picks: Gerald Ford, Muhammad Ali, Courtney Love, Red Schoendienst, Bin Laden. I'm looking for a dark horse. I called John Ritter a couple of years ago. The type I have in mind is a Jackie Chan, a Kerry Collins, a Frankie Muniz, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or someone like that. What do you have for me? It's a 12 month 'league'.

Death pools are the greatest thing ever. I want in if your league is still taking submissions. I like your automatics, though your dark horses are VERY dark, a little too dark for me. And you have no musicians listed which is a huge talent pool to draw from (I don't count Courtney Love). I assume it's a 5 man roster, which lends itself to a roster like this: Athlete, Actor, Musician, Politician, and Rich Person. You want this kind of balance as you don't want to get too heavily invested in one demographic.

It's been a few years since we have an active athlete die and good luck hitting the random Vikings lineman who died, or Steve Olin and Tim Crews with the '90 Indians so you want to look at guys who recently retired and had a sketchy past when they played. Strawberry, Gooden, and Rose are always solid picks and I totally would have had Steve Howe on my roster last week. Here's the one athlete pick that may win you the whole thing... Nate Newton. You're welcome.

This is getting long already so I'm going to trim down the analysis and just give you a few dark horse ideas by category. The key to the dark horses is only have 1 or 2. Take safer bets with your other picks and you'll be set. Hopefully these give you some good ideas and if any of these hit for you, you owe me $5. By the way, I'm serious about you getting me a spot in your pool.
Musician: Trent Reznor, Maynard from Tool, Whitney Houston, John Mayer.
Actor: Martin Sheen, Spike Lee, Dustin Hoffman, Dave Chapelle.
Politician: Al Gore, Barrack Obama, Rick Santorum, John McCain.
Rich Person: Warren Buffet, Rupert Murdock, George Soros, Oprah.

3. (Shaun--Hazelwood) I have the D-Train, Carlos Zambrano, and King Felix struggling. Can they turn it around? I'm falling behind everyone else because of my blown up ERA and WHIP, combined with lots of L's. Where is the panic button?

The panic button is 2 doors down on the left. Just look for me. I'll be the guy hitting the Panic Button with his forehead. Here's my expert analysis of the three guys you're running out there: You didn't take Felix with the intention of trying to win this season so if he's killing you, put him on the bench for a month and smile knowing that you own him for the rest of his career.

Ka-zaam will likely settle down and he's not KILLING you. His K rate is actually up but his walks are pretty disturbing. His ERA is tolerable so keep an eye on the walks and hits. If the WHIP keeps going up, you may want to sit him down. Getting rid of him now would be a mistake, unless you want to trade him to me. Then it would be a great decision.

D-Train is going to be bad this season. He doesn't seem to concentrate as well this year since he knows he has to make one run stand up. He's not even getting K's this year either so unless you are absolutely playing for next year, you might want to see what you can get for him.

4. (Jack Bauer--LA) Tony that question last week about food reminded me that I haven't eaten in a while and I'm starving! I need some more schematics from you! Tell me if any of these guys will turn their slow starts around: Sexson, Peralta, Jimmy Edmonds. Don't make me do any more yelling!

Edmonds is one of the streakiest players in the league, so it's hard to say whether his slow start is a cold streak or the beginning of the end. He has looked awful at times this season, but has been driving in runs even though he can't buy a base hit. He has hit in 7 straight so he might be coming out of it. I'd wait until the end of May to decide whether he's one of the good guys or a terrorist.

J.Honny is coming around. He's hitting .342 this month with more walks in May than he had in April. He turns 24 at the end of the month so you've got to be prepared to stay with him through the rough streaks, even if they last a while. Remember Victor Martinez's slow start last year. Yeah, J.Honny could have that kind of second half this season.

Sexson has shown no signs of life this season at all though you won't be able to get anything good for him at this point. If you have a temporary solution on your bench or on waivers, roll with that for now and hope that Sexson has a good second half. If he still sucks in June, cut your losses.




5. (Jamie--ILL-SIDE) Yo Tony, wash the streets with some dope beats, pots and pans for your dinner plans, eat some chicken pot pie with a side of alibi. You figadeel me? Shaun Alexander is on the cover of Madden '07. What are the odds the Madden curse continues, son?






The curse is back like clockwork, hatin' like Martha Burke.
I would rather take Matt Turk; yeah I know I'm a jerk.
Shaunny-A might hit some trees or blow out both knees.
He could make like Ronny Mex and tap some hoes with herpes.
He might hold out of camp and have to repay his bonus.
Or he could skip out on the playoffs like my man Jah Slowness.
There ain't no good reason unless your roster is freezin',
I'm not even teasin', he will ruin your season.

Holy shit, I am amazed at how lame I am. I even spent like an hour at work on that. Thanks for reminding me how white I am Jamie. You're shitty.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

The Next Japanese Baseball Import?

Here we have a great picture of former MLB outfielder Tsuyoshi Shinjo sporting what will obviously become the latest trend in jersey alterations: the collared undershirt. I am totally in support of this look and can't wait to break it out myself in the next softball game. Imagine our own Bert Flex rockin' the collar out, maybe flipping the collar up after he launches one. I mean, think of the possibilities....
I demand that the collar become a mandatory part of any B.Y.O.B. uniform henceforth. Failure to comply will mean having to incur the wrath of Former Superstar Tony Pellegrino and his collar.

Leon traded, for Beer?

The Fullerton Flyers, an independent minor league baseball team that begins play next month, recently traded for a pitcher from a team in Schaumburg, Ill., whose season is already underway.The Flyers acquired the pitcher by sending the Schaumburg team, also known as the Flyers, 60 cases of Budweiser. That's because the pitcher is Nigel Thatch, who is 0-3 in seven starts but is also the actor who played cocky athlete Leon in Budweiser commercials.


"This trade was a bargain for us," Fullerton General Manager Ed Hart said. "We were prepared to throw in a Clydesdale."Rich Ehrenrich, owner of the Schaumburg team, told the Chicago Tribune, "Nigel really gave us a unique presence in the sports marketplace. In the true spirit of 'Leon Time,' we'll have a cold one courtesy of Fullerton and thank Nigel for his time here.

Coolaid the HipHop Clown

If we didn't already have a good mascot for our site, I would submit this guy: Coolaid the Hip Hop Clown, at least that's what his shirt says. I want to submit this as one of the greatest pictures of all time.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report! This has quickly become an instant hit on the internet--we are your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Once again, Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We get thousands of questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

In honor of the NFL Draft last weekend, this is a picture of Tony, badass fantasy expert in his three-point stance. Or maybe he just ate some Del Taco, giving a different definition of "Bad Ass." Either way it's a great picture. And by "great," I actually mean "great" this time.

True story: This picture was taken when Josh complained that Tony stole his seat. Tony's obvious response was to give Josh the seat, assuming Josh could make it through "THE GAUNTLET." Tony retained his seat while Shaun and Josh laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

Let's get to those questions...

1. (Thomas--Alton, IL) I have Reggie Sanders and Jacque Jones playing everyday in my outfield and have been in the top two spots throughout the month of April. How is this possible?

It could be worse, you could have Curt Young, Joe Borowski, Mike Lowell, Omar Vizquel, and Nomar Garciaparra and still be in the first two spots... oh wait, YOU DO. I hate you Thomas and I hate your team. It's gross, and the guys I listed combined with the guys you listed are all SHITTY. That's, let's see, 1,2,3,4,5,6, SEVEN shitty guys in your lineup and I didn't even count your bench. I firmly believe that through April, you've had the Reverse Pellegrino Curse a.k.a. the York Curse. You have a team of guys who are gross but will be great for you and will suck for everyone else. Good luck, Jerk.

2. (Big Head--Omaha) Does Bonds getting smoked in the dome, ironically in the house that Selig built, affect his assault on the big white hype (the Babe)? If he wasn’t on ‘roids his cabeza wouldn’t be so big, and in-turn, he wouldn’t have gotten hit. Again ironically, according to the USA Today, the scrub who hit him in the head was hit 23 times last year in AAA ball.

Bonds getting hit only affects the date he passes THE GREATEST BALLPLAYER OF ALL-TIME in home runs, not whether or not it happens. Right now, Bonds could have a leg amputated or get testicular cancer and he'd still get to 715 eventually. I'm amazed that Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton haven't come out demanding an apology from all white people since Kevin Frandsen, the kid who hit Bonds, was white.

Last weekend at a family gathering, my uncle asked me to name the top 3 lefhanders on the career homerun list. Sounds easy enough, right? I only immediately thought of one of them, Ruth. Bonds didn't even register in my mind. So who's third? The answer is at the bottom of the article.

3. (Josh--The Bar) I have Delmon Young on my roster in a keeper league. What do I do with him? Does he play at all this year?

This is what I would do, and I suggest that everyone who owns Young should do this.
Step 1: Move to Durham or wherever Young is serving his suspension.
Step 2: Buy like 75 baseball bats.
Step 3: Each morning when he goes to leave the house, throw a bat at him, hitting him in the chest.
Step 4: Tell Young that you didn't mean to hit him with the bat, that it was an accident.
Step 5: Apologize to your teammates, your fans, your organization and, um.. there was somebody else.. oh yeah, Young since, you know, you HIT HIM WITH A BAT.

Repeat these 5 steps daily until his suspension is up or until he goes bat-shit crazy on you. It would be the best thing you could do, for yourself and for humanity. Go forth, Josh and impose your wrath upon poor, misunderstood Delmon Young.

4. (Brett--Kiln, MS) Roger Clemens is eating up a roster spot on my bench! When is he coming back? Is he coming back?? AHH--why doesn't he make up his mind already??

PS. Madden is outside my home playing naked Twister with Sean Salisbury. Please call the police, I'm trapped.

Mr. Favre, it's good to see that you recognize what is truly important in life: whether or not Clemens is coming back. Here's the inside scoop: Clemens HAS to come back and here's why. At the $3 mil a month Houston is offering him, he could light a dollar bill on fire each second of that month and still have $350k left. I've offered him 2 to 1 on each dollar he burns if he'll star in my new reality show of him lighting that money on fire. It'll be on 24/7 for the length of the contract. Here's the catch: he has to keep up the one-per-second pace or the deal is off AND he'll have to pitch some of that time AND he can never have two bills burning at once. It will be beautiful. I'm calling it "AFTERBURNER," get it, 'cause his nickname is the Rocket and he'll be burning money. It's genius.

You brought the naked Twister game on yourself. It could be worse. Tony Siragusa could be the third man in. Ha HA! Yes I DID! It'll take a gallon of mind-bleach to get THAT image out of your head. Just hire a helicopter with your billions of dollars, or maybe a Delta Force Strike Team to take out the threat.

An final observation on the Clemens saga: it's really got to suck to have Clemens in an AL or NL only league because your fate is determined by what team he signs with.

5. (Ben--ESC CCC TCBY DTTL) What is your favorite food to eat while thinking about fantasy baseball? I have many favorites, but I'm curious about you, since you are a man who appears to like food. By the way, not many people know what all those initials stand for, but I'll let you in on the secret: "Eatin' Sno Cones," "Captain Chili Cheeseburger," "That Can't Be Yogurt," and "Don't Touch That Lobster."

Ben, that's a great question. In fact, you should write in with food related questions each week. I like to make sure that the food I'm eating in some way relates to the player or players I'm thinking about. For example, if one of the stinkin' Japs comes up, I need to have some sushi on hand. If someone asks about Mike Piazza, most people would go with the obvious pizza or pasta but I'm not most people. I'm going with bratwurst and Rocky Mountain Oysters. If you don't know why then you're no fun. Inevitably, when the conversation concerns multiple players and I can't be so specific, I go to Buffalo Wild Wings and watch the spectacular Missouri State v. Wichita State game so I can scout WSU's star outfielder Blake Hurlbutt.

Wow, for such a simple question, I sure managed to make the answer pretty offensive to just about every person alive. That's awesome.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Answer: Rafael Palmiero. That's gross, folks.

What's For Breakfast?

Do you want the cereal that makes you throw slower, hustle faster, and stunt your growth?

Then grab a box of Ecks O'S!! The new cereal endorsed by St. Louis Cardinal David Eckstein. Oh wait, we can't say St. Louis Cardinal, or carry any MLB logos on the cereal box!

Anyway, this is the best honey nut cereal that you'll find in grocery stores near you! Go out today and grab a box! Then hit the field and run your ass off after you take a walk!! Oh yeah!

Who's Shitty

Hello again ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our weekly feature on bertflex.com: the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report from Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert. Once again, we'll dive into the mailbag to answer all your fantasy questions, and hopefully yours will get answered. Even better, Tony might even call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

As always, we'll use a badass picture of Tony. I've officially titled this one: "Mark Flex-eira."

I personally think this column needs many more pictures of me looking like a total badass. I guess the words "pictures of me" and "looking like a total badass" are redundant though. I mean, look at those guns. Seriously, I need my own zipcode. A HUGE zipcode.



1. (Ann--Madison, WI) Here's my sick lineup in fantasy-- Mauer, Pujols, Figgins, Chavez, Barmes, Kearns, Granderson, Mench. Giambi is my utility guy right now. My bench is Edmonds, Floyd, and Hillenbrand. Look in your crystal ball and tell me who will be the shittiest of them all... is there anyone I should be on the look-out for that would be any better than this group?! I'm in a deep league with 12 people so there's no one left of any current value.

P.S. I also have Shilling, Mussina, Nathan, and B.J. Ryan, who aren't shitty, and various other pitchers who ARE shitty right now but shouldn't be by the end of the season (i.e. Hudson & Isringhausen). Needless to say I'm already dominating my league and shouldn't fall out of 1st place, EVER!

Well I'm glad you have a mashing infield. Who cares? Your outfield is horrible. It looks like one of my Frankenstein outfields. In fact this squad bears a resemblence to one of my teams, so don't get all high and mighty about your great team. There's alot of season left.

Kearns is a bum, Edmonds would strike out against me, and Joe Mauer would be a great prospect if he was still 22. Too bad he's not. Isringhausen is done and Hudson has been awful this year. Good luck with that squad. I don't think you'll even finish top 3. Jerk.

Is Brewers Guy in that league with you? If so, I want to fight with him some more. If not, I still want to fight with him some more. Send him this way. He is amusing to me.

2. (Joel--the ILL side) I've got 7 pitchers that play in the city of Chicago. What are your thoughts on having a bunch of guys from the same team (in this case two teams) on your fantasy squad?

I think it's great that you have so many Chicago pitchers on your staff. I'm sure you love that since you are all about the Cubs and you are now a bandwagon White Sox fan. Most of them are probably hurt anyway so it doesn't matter. I know the Sox did it with pitching last year but that time is over. They actually score runs now so they don't need pitching anymore. As for the Cubs, they never have healthy pitching so you don't need to worry about that. In other words, they're all shitty and you're screwed.

3. (Justin Other Pellegrino--Alton, IL) I've got problems brewing in the ATL: Marcus Giles and Tim Hudson are killing me. They are too good to cut. Can I trade either one right now? Maybe for a sandwich? What would you do?

I find it funny that Giles and I injured the same finger on the same day. He hurt his in practice. I hurt mine after finding out he got hurt and giving him the finger. Like him, I refuse to go on the DL and will keep hitting .215 until it heals. Hard to trade Giles until he gets the numbers up unless you like taking 25 cents on the dollar for him. Aaron Miles might be available in your league. Wow, I just typed that.

Hudson has been AWFUL since coming to the Braves. Napolean Lackey would have been a much better pick. I don't know what you were thinking when you took Hudson. He's shitty and is way past his prime. I can't believe that we thought he was any good a couple of years ago.

If you could trade either of them for a sandwich right now, I'd do it. You likely won't get a very good sandwich, but hold out for something better than Pastrami. Grilled cheese would probably be a good trade. You MIGHT be able to get a Ham and Cheese, but that's a stretch. And don't even think of trying to get something with bacon on it for them. That's just ludicrious.

4. (Samuel L. J.--Hollywood, CA) Tony Haven't Ya Eva Seeeen My Movies!!?? I Got A Good One For Ya: Snakes On A Plane! That's Right Snakes On A Plane Mothafucka!! Why's Barry Bonds so shitty?!

I got the inside scoop on Bonds this year and it's all a big conspiracy. It's a ruse put on by ESPN to try and get the ratings up for "Bonds on Bonds." Ok, listen closely because this is how it's gonna go down... Bonds is going to break Ruth's record at home against the Dodgers and since MLB is not going to have a celebration for him, he's going to have a celebration his-own-self. He's gonna hijack a microphone and tell everyone that since he's hit more home runs than every white man who ever lived, he has accomplished his life's work and can now retire. He'll take off his Giants jersey to reveal his Black Panthers t-shirt and try to rally the masses into revolt by quoting Malcolm X.

At this point Jeff Kent will get so enraged (since Kent's a racist) that he will shoot Bonds with the rifle he carries on road trips with him (rednecks all have rifles). In the ensuing chaos, ESPN executives will escape with Bonds' body and hide him away for the next few months while reporting on his death. Jeff Kent will be sent to Guantanimo as a terrorist. After ESPN has had the time to promote and release the 42-DVD set of "Bonds on Bonds-Uncut" and market it with twice the ferver with which they promote the NFL Draft, Bonds will come out of hiding and the whole drama will be revealed to be a ruse.

Bonds will hold a press conference, the first line of which is "Ha ha! I got yo' ass!" He will go on to tell that this entire scheme has been his dream since he saw "The Naked Gun" and was scarred for life when Reggie Jackson tried to kill the Queen of England. He saw that Jackson's portrayal as a murderer would caused all black outfielders to be viewed with hate and contempt by the white media (and Pedro Gomez). He knew that it was his divine mission to avenge this travesty of justice. When Bernie Miklasz interrupts Bonds and brings up how much black outfielder Willie McGee is loved by the white media, Vince Coleman stabs Miklasz in the face, for emphasis.

And that is how history will remember Barry Bonds. The upside for you, Sammy Jax, is that you'll get to play him in the movie version.

5. (Andy--the ILL side) I took Derrek Lee with the first overall pick in my draft. Comfort me.

Here's the best I can tell you: at least you're only out $20 and it's not a keeper league. Think of how distraught you'd be if you realized you were stuck with Derrek Lee for the next 10 seasons. You'd probably throw yourself off a cliff. I think Josh summed it up best at the draft with quite possibly the best war room conversation ever.

Josh: Who made your draft list?
Andy: I did.
Josh: Man, don't trust that guy.

You'll do better next year, especially if you do like I did at that draft and just ask Shaun and Josh who to pick. Learn from your mistakes this season, and realize that your mistake was thinking that you knew anything. I've learned this the last few years myself and look at my teams. Especially the last place squad I'm rolling out in York's league. You'll be fine, just be sure to pay your league fees in advance for the next couple of years.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Jerk Of The Day

Today's winner goes to me! My moments of jerk-ness tend to happen when I've got other people around as witnesses. This is a rare occasion where my inner jerk came out naturally, with no one around.

Minutes ago while walking over to Subway for lunch, I had a brief conversation with an old lady on the sidewalk. It went like this:

"Hi sir, we're trying to get the minimum wage raised in the state of Missouruhh."

"It's pronounced MISSOUREE!"


And I kept walking to Subway. If you're out there reading this, and you make minimum wage--my bad. Blame her.

Early Submission for Quote of the Year

Darius Miles, in an interview with Jason Quick of the Portland Oregonian:

"Yeah, you probably smelled liquor on me before. But it's not like I'm at practice drunk. I'm totally focused. I don't care if you come to practice and take a shower, once you go to practice and start sweating, it's going to come out. That doesn't mean you aren't focused or ready to practice. Like you might go out, you might get drunk, and come to the gym higher than a mother, and you sweating, you smell like liquor, and you interviewing everybody. What does that mean? You still 100 percent focused. That's just ridiculous. Ask any other team, little petty stuff like that, if you ask any other coach in the NBA if they smell liquor on a player, any coach would say, `Every year."

"I'm drunk right now."- D. Miles

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a new feature on bertflex.com: the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report from Tony Pellegrino, webmaster for this site and fantasy expert. Every week, we'll dive into the mailbag to answer all your fantasy questions, and hopefully yours will get answered. Even better, Tony might even call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Before we get to your questions, here's a badass picture of Tony, just like our friends at Yahoo.com are famous for:







1. (Jeremy--STL) Tony! I need saves bad! Who are some guys that could become closers later on this year?

First thing you have to consider when trying to vulture some cheap saves is "Which current closers are shitty?" Three names that come to mind quickly are Chris Reitsma, David Weathers, and Jason Isringhausen. Of these three, Reitsma and Weathers have some backups who might be worth a look. Joey Devine is backing up Reitsma in Atlanta and I like Todd Coffey to take over for Weathers in Cincinnati.

Then again, if you're that concerned about saves, maybe you should have taken 3 closers in the first 5 rounds. Oh wait, you did. On third thought, you could offer me Brady Clark for Jon Papelbon and see if I'm as dumb as you smell. Oh wait, you did that too.

2. (J-York--Dallas) My rotation is Roy Oswalt and Pray for Rain. I'm in a pretty deep league--who are some guys I can look to on the waiver wire to help me out?

I could give you some names like Eric Milton or Vincente Padilla, but they all suck anyway. What you really need to do is start playing for next year now. Wah and the Azzkickers aren't going to get you into the money this year, so you should trade Oswalt for a couple of bats. You may even check around your league and see if anyone has a man-crush on Oswalt. In fact, I know a guy who might be able to help you out. Any interest in Lance Berkman?


3. (Shaun--Hazelwood) What up T? Now that you've seen Chris Shelton's gut...are you a fan? What final numbers can I expect from him this season?

He definately has "truck driver" potential. After going over his minor league weights, I've got him projected out between Cindy Ponson and Matt Stairs on the truck driver scale. If he would grow some bad facial hair or start smoking like his manager Jim Leyland, he could be John Jaha but that's like saying that if I was a little faster and drank more, I could be Babe Ruth.

As far as his on-field performance, since he's on your fantasy team, he'd better put up numbers exactly the same as Brian Roberts did last year after his monster April or I will kick you in the nuts.

4. (Jack Bauer--L.A.) Tony, I need the schematics for who you think is just off to a slow start, or should I dump them right now? I'm thinking Beltre, Francouer, Colon, and Lieber. There's not much time! I don't care what the President thinks!

Jack, THANK YOU for bringing up so many of my least favorite players in one message! Oh yeah, thanks for saving the country from terrorists and stuff too. Also, are you related to Rangers pitcher Rick Bauer? 'Cause that would be awesome.

After watching Beltre, I'm convinced he was on steroids for his good season. He looks like he's lost about 30 pounds since he was good. I'm almost as sure about Beltre juicing as Andy Walters is about Pujols juicing, making me 99.9% certain that Beltre is SHITTY.

Jeff Francouer reminds me of a younger Tony Pellegrino without the power. However, he makes up for that by being more patient at the plate. He's also got a gun in right field, which reminds me of myself a few years ago. I'd say he projects out to Lyle Overbay on the high side and Jim Lindeman on the low side.

Fartolo Cologne just went on the 15 day DL yesterday, which is the best thing you can hope for this year. As someone who received 200 innings of 5.00 ERA from Cologne two seasons ago, you don't want any of that. I know he won a Cy Young last year, shut up about it already. Plenty of shitty guys have won Cy Youngs. Cologne is "plenty of shitty guys" all by himself.

Considering that Lieber is 36 years old, had one decent season in his career, plays for a bad Phillies team in a tiny ballpark and loves serving up home runs, EVERYONE should own him. Everyone in my league except me, that is.
And that brings us to the Tony Pellegrino "STAT OF THE DAY"
243 = number of career HRs allowed by Jon Lieber.
239 = number of career HRs hit by Richie Sexson.
Bonus Stat: HOFer Roberto Clemente hit 240 career HRs.

5. (Josh--The Bar) I've got Prince Fielder and Frank Thomas on my team. Who would win in a race between the two?

You've got to take Frank Thomas in that race, man. I mean, he played football for Auburn. Football! He's a football player! And if you don't think that any football player would kick Fielder's fat ass in a race, cards, chess, or RoShamBo, then you're a big dummy and I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast! Football!!! Brett Favre!!

Sorry folks, Sean Salisbury hijacked my column for a minute. Josh, first off, I'm going to assume that you're punting steals with those guys on your team. Good move. Everyone who is not a pussy hates steals and refuses to acknowledge the existence of them. Real men draft MASH. Second, I think that you would win that race Josh. I've seen your 40 time and I think you could take them. Especially if the prize was some Colt 45.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Gosh, my feet hurt!

Apr 20-- Updating previous items, the Associated Press' Gregg Bell reports Texas Rangers OF Kevin Mench (foot) was told by a Dallas-area orthotics specialist he's been wearing his shoes a half-size too small, which was the reason Mench had sprained the second toe on his right foot. Mench will wear orthotic footwear the rest of the season and isn't experiencing any discomfort when walking or running.

Now get out there in your right size shoes and get me some damn RBIs!!

Geez... This is ri-god-damn-diculous! How in the WORLD can you not know what size shoes you wear?! Gosh, my feet hurt sure do hurt all the time and my toes keep ripping through the front of my socks and shoes! Duh.

My Day At The Ballgame

I went to the baseball game today. It was very fun. I got to eat a hot dog and supreme nachos. I saw the Cardinals beat the Reds 8-7. They play in a new stadium. It is really big and neat. I walked around the stadium TWO times! The field looked pretty and scoreboard was really cool. Albert Pujols hit 3 home runs and won the game. He is my favorit-ist Cardinal ever. Overall I had a really fun day at the ballpark.




Sincerely,
Shaun
college graduate/sometimes 10 year-old


ps. These guys are gross:

The New Era Begins

April 10, 2006 was a historic day in the city of St. Louis. After many frustrating years for residents of the city and county, downtown has made it’s first major step in becoming an attractive place for people to visit and enjoy themselves once again. Because of a massive case of urban sprawl, the city of St. Louis is left with a small population in comparison to the suburbs in surrounding counties. But now it seems like downtown is back and happening again! And there is only one place that needs to be given all the credit in the world: Al Hrabosky’s Ballpark Saloon.

After Mr. Hrabosky opened his establishment in 2004, many wondered what this visionary had in mind. According to a survey conducted at Delmar Gardens, at the corner of I-170 and Delmar, there are thousands of problems with the downtown area. Many were quoted as to saying that “all those black folk” make the downtown area an unsafe place to live. “Have you ever seen the news?” spouted Helen Warbermiller. “The crime rate is ridiculous!” The staff of bertflex.com failed to check the statistics, so we’ll take their word on it, since they seemed like experts.

Despite the critics, Al Hrabosky decided to take a chance on his ‘mom and drunk pop’ operation. And it has turned the city around in a short amount of time. On Monday the local base ball participants opened their new sporting field near the Ballpark Saloon. The map below shows in detail what the city looks like from an overhead view:

Hundreds of thousands of people were shown on the news Monday enjoying themselves by Hrabosky’s and this new base ball field. If the local team, known to some as the “Cardinals” have half the success that Hrabosky has had, they will be making profits in no time.

With new businesses sprouting up like dandelions, what could possibly come next to the newer, “hipper” downtown? Only time will tell.