Who's Shitty

Hello again ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our weekly feature on bertflex.com: the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report from Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert. Once again, we'll dive into the mailbag to answer all your fantasy questions, and hopefully yours will get answered. Even better, Tony might even call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

As always, we'll use a badass picture of Tony. I've officially titled this one: "Mark Flex-eira."

I personally think this column needs many more pictures of me looking like a total badass. I guess the words "pictures of me" and "looking like a total badass" are redundant though. I mean, look at those guns. Seriously, I need my own zipcode. A HUGE zipcode.

1. (Ann--Madison, WI) Here's my sick lineup in fantasy-- Mauer, Pujols, Figgins, Chavez, Barmes, Kearns, Granderson, Mench. Giambi is my utility guy right now. My bench is Edmonds, Floyd, and Hillenbrand. Look in your crystal ball and tell me who will be the shittiest of them all... is there anyone I should be on the look-out for that would be any better than this group?! I'm in a deep league with 12 people so there's no one left of any current value.

P.S. I also have Shilling, Mussina, Nathan, and B.J. Ryan, who aren't shitty, and various other pitchers who ARE shitty right now but shouldn't be by the end of the season (i.e. Hudson & Isringhausen). Needless to say I'm already dominating my league and shouldn't fall out of 1st place, EVER!

Well I'm glad you have a mashing infield. Who cares? Your outfield is horrible. It looks like one of my Frankenstein outfields. In fact this squad bears a resemblence to one of my teams, so don't get all high and mighty about your great team. There's alot of season left.

Kearns is a bum, Edmonds would strike out against me, and Joe Mauer would be a great prospect if he was still 22. Too bad he's not. Isringhausen is done and Hudson has been awful this year. Good luck with that squad. I don't think you'll even finish top 3. Jerk.

Is Brewers Guy in that league with you? If so, I want to fight with him some more. If not, I still want to fight with him some more. Send him this way. He is amusing to me.

2. (Joel--the ILL side) I've got 7 pitchers that play in the city of Chicago. What are your thoughts on having a bunch of guys from the same team (in this case two teams) on your fantasy squad?

I think it's great that you have so many Chicago pitchers on your staff. I'm sure you love that since you are all about the Cubs and you are now a bandwagon White Sox fan. Most of them are probably hurt anyway so it doesn't matter. I know the Sox did it with pitching last year but that time is over. They actually score runs now so they don't need pitching anymore. As for the Cubs, they never have healthy pitching so you don't need to worry about that. In other words, they're all shitty and you're screwed.

3. (Justin Other Pellegrino--Alton, IL) I've got problems brewing in the ATL: Marcus Giles and Tim Hudson are killing me. They are too good to cut. Can I trade either one right now? Maybe for a sandwich? What would you do?

I find it funny that Giles and I injured the same finger on the same day. He hurt his in practice. I hurt mine after finding out he got hurt and giving him the finger. Like him, I refuse to go on the DL and will keep hitting .215 until it heals. Hard to trade Giles until he gets the numbers up unless you like taking 25 cents on the dollar for him. Aaron Miles might be available in your league. Wow, I just typed that.

Hudson has been AWFUL since coming to the Braves. Napolean Lackey would have been a much better pick. I don't know what you were thinking when you took Hudson. He's shitty and is way past his prime. I can't believe that we thought he was any good a couple of years ago.

If you could trade either of them for a sandwich right now, I'd do it. You likely won't get a very good sandwich, but hold out for something better than Pastrami. Grilled cheese would probably be a good trade. You MIGHT be able to get a Ham and Cheese, but that's a stretch. And don't even think of trying to get something with bacon on it for them. That's just ludicrious.

4. (Samuel L. J.--Hollywood, CA) Tony Haven't Ya Eva Seeeen My Movies!!?? I Got A Good One For Ya: Snakes On A Plane! That's Right Snakes On A Plane Mothafucka!! Why's Barry Bonds so shitty?!

I got the inside scoop on Bonds this year and it's all a big conspiracy. It's a ruse put on by ESPN to try and get the ratings up for "Bonds on Bonds." Ok, listen closely because this is how it's gonna go down... Bonds is going to break Ruth's record at home against the Dodgers and since MLB is not going to have a celebration for him, he's going to have a celebration his-own-self. He's gonna hijack a microphone and tell everyone that since he's hit more home runs than every white man who ever lived, he has accomplished his life's work and can now retire. He'll take off his Giants jersey to reveal his Black Panthers t-shirt and try to rally the masses into revolt by quoting Malcolm X.

At this point Jeff Kent will get so enraged (since Kent's a racist) that he will shoot Bonds with the rifle he carries on road trips with him (rednecks all have rifles). In the ensuing chaos, ESPN executives will escape with Bonds' body and hide him away for the next few months while reporting on his death. Jeff Kent will be sent to Guantanimo as a terrorist. After ESPN has had the time to promote and release the 42-DVD set of "Bonds on Bonds-Uncut" and market it with twice the ferver with which they promote the NFL Draft, Bonds will come out of hiding and the whole drama will be revealed to be a ruse.

Bonds will hold a press conference, the first line of which is "Ha ha! I got yo' ass!" He will go on to tell that this entire scheme has been his dream since he saw "The Naked Gun" and was scarred for life when Reggie Jackson tried to kill the Queen of England. He saw that Jackson's portrayal as a murderer would caused all black outfielders to be viewed with hate and contempt by the white media (and Pedro Gomez). He knew that it was his divine mission to avenge this travesty of justice. When Bernie Miklasz interrupts Bonds and brings up how much black outfielder Willie McGee is loved by the white media, Vince Coleman stabs Miklasz in the face, for emphasis.

And that is how history will remember Barry Bonds. The upside for you, Sammy Jax, is that you'll get to play him in the movie version.

5. (Andy--the ILL side) I took Derrek Lee with the first overall pick in my draft. Comfort me.

Here's the best I can tell you: at least you're only out $20 and it's not a keeper league. Think of how distraught you'd be if you realized you were stuck with Derrek Lee for the next 10 seasons. You'd probably throw yourself off a cliff. I think Josh summed it up best at the draft with quite possibly the best war room conversation ever.

Josh: Who made your draft list?
Andy: I did.
Josh: Man, don't trust that guy.

You'll do better next year, especially if you do like I did at that draft and just ask Shaun and Josh who to pick. Learn from your mistakes this season, and realize that your mistake was thinking that you knew anything. I've learned this the last few years myself and look at my teams. Especially the last place squad I'm rolling out in York's league. You'll be fine, just be sure to pay your league fees in advance for the next couple of years.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.


Anonymous said...

-ann i'd like to know what order you took your picks in the draft. obviously bert is #1, then chone?? was eric chavez or joe mauer one of your 2nd/3rd round picks?? something is missing here. curtis granderson is going to be the new grady sizemore...give him some time. and ever since you busted on kevin mench, he has a message for you: shut up!

-and andy, you should follow tony's strategy of asking for shaun and josh's opinions. tony is only a few points back in that league. the main difference is that when the season starts, do what shaun does--check his team regularly and make transactions when necessary. do not do what josh does--study and help people move while thinking about jake peavy.

Annie Fresh said...

bertflex, chone, mauer (i love that guy!), then shilling. I don't know what I'm doing this year, but so far it's going VERY well. I have a personal policy of not picking any Cubs or Yankees unless I'm desperate and I've tried to keep players I've had the past few years (i.e. Mauer, Barmes, Edmonds, Nathan)-- as of today I'm still in first place. By the looks of it, I have a similar curse to Tony when it comes to previously unknown outfielders who wear the wrong sized shoes. I'll tell Luke you all say hello!

Anonymous said...

tony is barely right about joe mauer.

born: april 19, 1983. so he was 23 years old and 9 days at the time tony wrote this.

although he is correct that joe mauer isn't 22 anymore, tony is still a jerk.

Annie Fresh said...

Updating my previous post... I continue to dominate my league. And by the way, for Tony who claims that Hudson has been "terrible" this year, I hope you caught his one-hitter last night. I realize that the one hit was to the pitcher, but whatever. He rocks my world.