Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report! We are your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Once again, Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We get thousands of questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

We have forgone using a badass picture of Tony this week. Instead we give you the photographic definition of "Post-Triple Syndrome," as experienced in last night's softball game. Symptoms include: fatigue, sweating, heavy breathing, craving for hamburgers, and more sweating. But the triple was worth it, as Tony got to jog home easily after the following batter drove him in.

As a side note, Tony's team won the game 6-5. That's right, 6-5 in a 7 inning softball game. Believe it or not, a handful of people actually watched it.

Note that I'm looking away from the plate as I come in to score. Most people thought I was looking at a coach or something. I was actually watching someone eat a DonutBurger and seething with rage since I didn't have one.
Not that you care, but that was a softball game in which I allowed ZERO earned runs. The 5-spot they put on me in the second inning was all unearned due to my 3rd Baseman attempting to kill a baserunner with a throw twice on 2 consecutive plays. Six shutout innings out of seven. I'm the Napolean Lackey of softball. -Tony

We apologize for missing last week's edition of Who's Shitty. The editorial staff of bertflex.com was on vacation, relaxing from the daily routine of working and watching baseball. It was filled with video games and baseball. Hopefully your fantasy team didn't collapse without Tony's advice.

1. (Brett T.--LA) I'd like to know how the guy with "Tomko" on the back of his jersey did not get lit up at Coors last Monday night? No one thought that was ever possible. Does this rank up there with the Miracle on Ice?

For some unknown reason, the man the myth the legend Brett Tomko is actually having a decent season in LA. There is no known explanation for this phenomenon, but I insist that it is merely a fluke. I mean, Hideo Nomo threw a no-hitter at Coors at a time in his career where nobody would confuse him with a good pitcher. I blame it more on a Rockies off day at the plate rather than any "miracle." I've seen Glendan Rusch and Aaron Harang shut out the Cardinals before so it's more of "that's why games aren't played on paper, they're played inside TV sets" type of effect. That said, I've decided to take one for all of humanity and start Tomko for my fantasy team tonight against the Nationals tonight thus ensuring that he gets lit up for like 8 earned in 2 innings. You're welcome Brett.

2. (Big Head--Da Big O) Can you explain why one fantasy player does so terrible for me, but when he is picked by another team, he does great. Then when I pick him for my team again he is TERRIBLE? There has to be a law against this. I am talking about Aramis Ramierez, the anti-David Ortiz (or also known as 'Big Papiece of Shit'). I know the Cubs haven't had luck at the three bag for awhile, and a legless Ron Santo could hit better. For this reason alone, I hate the Cubs.

It's simple BH, Aramis Ramirez hates you. He'd rather play for Justin or Joel since they are Cubs fans but he knows that you own him so he's trying to get traded. He just wants a change of scenery and you have no choice but to give it to him. I was in a similar situation last year with Victor Martinez a.k.a. Vic-Turd Fart-inez. I took him WAY too effing early in our draft hoping he would continue to hit. At the end of May, he was hitting .210 so I got fed up and traded him for Mike Lowell. If memory serves, Fartinez's batting average was approximately 7 Billion in the second half (actually .380) and Mike Lowell's was not. This year, I own Fartinez again and he's doing a little better but I will never forgive him for last year and you shouldn't forgive A-Ram either. Wash your hands of him. Find a Cubs fan who will trade you something decent for him and roll with it. Just don't trade him for Mike Lowell.

3. (Big Sandwich--Mr. Goodcents) Yo TP, I've got Casey Blake and Nick Swisher on my squad and was wondering if I should sell these guys while their stock is high or do they have the legs to be productive all year for me? To say they are over-achieving is an understatement. Blake (.354-9 jacks-34 RBI's-.431 OBP) only has a career high BA of .271 and Swisher (.288-13 jacks-34 RBI's) didn't show signs of being a star his rookie season last year. Look into your crystal ball, my fantasy team hinges on your advice.

You might be able to sell Swisher high since he's still young and this MIGHT be a better indication of his career than last season. He's starting channel some mid-90's A's to take on some of the Truck Driver qualities which may not help him play better but will make him a cooler person. The problem with Swisher is that he's THE man in Oak-town. Nobody else can hit a lick on that team so he's gotta do it his-own-self. He might be worth holding onto since he's young (25) and could get better. Then again, I'm only 26 and already WAY past my prime so take that for what it's worth.

Blake on the other hand is a bum. He's 32 with a .263 career average. You tell me if you think he's a good investment. Keep this in mind: Cleveland Manager Eric Wedge thinks so much of Blake's hot start, he's been hitting him 7th or 8th all year. If you can find a taker that will give you ANYTHING of value, take it. Blake will come back to earth soon and you don't want to have him hit .150 in the second half for your team.

4. (John Cusak--Hollywood, CA) Does WGN still do the Southwest Airlines "How far did it fly"? I haven't seen too many Cub home runs this year. I'm too busy filming Must Love Dogs 2 to catch any baseball. But I sure am gay for anything Chicago!

The "How Far Did It Fly?" promotion is going through a transitional phase at the moment. The WGN Studios are trying to save the promotion and here are a couple of the leading ideas:

  • "How Far Did Juan Pierre's Last Popout Fly?"
  • "How Far Will Jim Hendry Fall When He Jumps Off The Sears Tower?"
  • "How Many Toothpicks Did Dusty Baker Go Through This Game?"
  • "How Many Games Can Michael Barrett Get Suspended This Year?"
  • "How Long Until Ryan Dempster Reads the Name on the Back of His Jersey?"

Submit your best ideas to this website and we'll make sure they make it through the proper channels. We would offer you a pair of roundtrip tickets on Southwest if you win, but Shaun already used them to fly to Wyoming. Actually he flew to Denver and then was carried by pack-mule to Wyoming since everyone knows there are no planes in Wyoming.

5. (Shaun--Powell, WY) Tony, the final question each week is usually not fantasy-related. Please take this opportunity and punk out Red Lobster. Their current "deal" is 30 shrimp for $12.99. Are we supposed to buy that? Who are they targeting--Nicole Richie? 30 shrimp is a good warmup for 75 more shrimp.

For the low low price of $16.99 you can get 45 shrimp instead of 30, which is still a ripoff. We should petition Red Lobster to have the All-You-Can-Eat-Shrimp (AYCES) on the menu at all times, but charge like $24.95 for it. I'd pay that to eat about 100 scrimps. There WILL be a post on this site the day the AYCES comes back for it's yearly celebration (it's usually in the fall if I remember correctly) and there will be subsequent parties by all members of the BertFlexUniverse to celebrate one of the top 5 days of they year. I'm gonna take off work for it, and you should too.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

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