Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a new feature on bertflex.com: the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report from Tony Pellegrino, webmaster for this site and fantasy expert. Every week, we'll dive into the mailbag to answer all your fantasy questions, and hopefully yours will get answered. Even better, Tony might even call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Before we get to your questions, here's a badass picture of Tony, just like our friends at Yahoo.com are famous for:

1. (Jeremy--STL) Tony! I need saves bad! Who are some guys that could become closers later on this year?

First thing you have to consider when trying to vulture some cheap saves is "Which current closers are shitty?" Three names that come to mind quickly are Chris Reitsma, David Weathers, and Jason Isringhausen. Of these three, Reitsma and Weathers have some backups who might be worth a look. Joey Devine is backing up Reitsma in Atlanta and I like Todd Coffey to take over for Weathers in Cincinnati.

Then again, if you're that concerned about saves, maybe you should have taken 3 closers in the first 5 rounds. Oh wait, you did. On third thought, you could offer me Brady Clark for Jon Papelbon and see if I'm as dumb as you smell. Oh wait, you did that too.

2. (J-York--Dallas) My rotation is Roy Oswalt and Pray for Rain. I'm in a pretty deep league--who are some guys I can look to on the waiver wire to help me out?

I could give you some names like Eric Milton or Vincente Padilla, but they all suck anyway. What you really need to do is start playing for next year now. Wah and the Azzkickers aren't going to get you into the money this year, so you should trade Oswalt for a couple of bats. You may even check around your league and see if anyone has a man-crush on Oswalt. In fact, I know a guy who might be able to help you out. Any interest in Lance Berkman?

3. (Shaun--Hazelwood) What up T? Now that you've seen Chris Shelton's gut...are you a fan? What final numbers can I expect from him this season?

He definately has "truck driver" potential. After going over his minor league weights, I've got him projected out between Cindy Ponson and Matt Stairs on the truck driver scale. If he would grow some bad facial hair or start smoking like his manager Jim Leyland, he could be John Jaha but that's like saying that if I was a little faster and drank more, I could be Babe Ruth.

As far as his on-field performance, since he's on your fantasy team, he'd better put up numbers exactly the same as Brian Roberts did last year after his monster April or I will kick you in the nuts.

4. (Jack Bauer--L.A.) Tony, I need the schematics for who you think is just off to a slow start, or should I dump them right now? I'm thinking Beltre, Francouer, Colon, and Lieber. There's not much time! I don't care what the President thinks!

Jack, THANK YOU for bringing up so many of my least favorite players in one message! Oh yeah, thanks for saving the country from terrorists and stuff too. Also, are you related to Rangers pitcher Rick Bauer? 'Cause that would be awesome.

After watching Beltre, I'm convinced he was on steroids for his good season. He looks like he's lost about 30 pounds since he was good. I'm almost as sure about Beltre juicing as Andy Walters is about Pujols juicing, making me 99.9% certain that Beltre is SHITTY.

Jeff Francouer reminds me of a younger Tony Pellegrino without the power. However, he makes up for that by being more patient at the plate. He's also got a gun in right field, which reminds me of myself a few years ago. I'd say he projects out to Lyle Overbay on the high side and Jim Lindeman on the low side.

Fartolo Cologne just went on the 15 day DL yesterday, which is the best thing you can hope for this year. As someone who received 200 innings of 5.00 ERA from Cologne two seasons ago, you don't want any of that. I know he won a Cy Young last year, shut up about it already. Plenty of shitty guys have won Cy Youngs. Cologne is "plenty of shitty guys" all by himself.

Considering that Lieber is 36 years old, had one decent season in his career, plays for a bad Phillies team in a tiny ballpark and loves serving up home runs, EVERYONE should own him. Everyone in my league except me, that is.
And that brings us to the Tony Pellegrino "STAT OF THE DAY"
243 = number of career HRs allowed by Jon Lieber.
239 = number of career HRs hit by Richie Sexson.
Bonus Stat: HOFer Roberto Clemente hit 240 career HRs.

5. (Josh--The Bar) I've got Prince Fielder and Frank Thomas on my team. Who would win in a race between the two?

You've got to take Frank Thomas in that race, man. I mean, he played football for Auburn. Football! He's a football player! And if you don't think that any football player would kick Fielder's fat ass in a race, cards, chess, or RoShamBo, then you're a big dummy and I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast! Football!!! Brett Favre!!

Sorry folks, Sean Salisbury hijacked my column for a minute. Josh, first off, I'm going to assume that you're punting steals with those guys on your team. Good move. Everyone who is not a pussy hates steals and refuses to acknowledge the existence of them. Real men draft MASH. Second, I think that you would win that race Josh. I've seen your 40 time and I think you could take them. Especially if the prize was some Colt 45.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.


big sandwich said...

I was on the air when you texted me, and you could hear my phone on the radio when I was talking about some old pervert who gave door-to-door breast exams. "Who's Shitty" was definately what this site was lacking!!!

sandwich - I promise to write something soon

Dallas J. Hawk said...

I think the person who wrote this article is shitty. Try winning a fantasy league before stating one is an expert.