Predictions for 2008 Cardinals

Cardinals will have less arms than Iraq

Cardinals will score less than Justin at Bubby and Sissy's

Cesar Izturis just robbed a Brinks truck

Jim Edmonds thinks the Cardinals will strike out ALOT

The Royals laugh at the Cardinals' lineup

John Ulett, while on the mic, will turn and go "Who the fuck is at shortstop?". In turn, John Whodafuk will trot out and bat 8th.

Walt Jocketty will walk through the dugout, look at TLR, and slap him.

Bertflex will go yard 47 times...and set the record for solo homeruns in one season with 47.

John Mozeliak will scout Sandlot Slam and sign Tony to a contract of only Hardee's Thickburgers.

John Mozeliak will also win the first ever Robert Wadlow look alike contest defeating Wadlow himself!

The Cardinals will hire Ron Popeil to try to sell tickets. Unfortunately, they will be "as and added bonus" (aka AAAB) to his knives.

RAW Is a Waste of Time

As always, I half-watched while also surfing the net for ... umm ... stuff.

1) Cena's back. It appears he and Randy Orton will feud for the right to wear the championship buzzcut. If not for Cena's jorts, it would be hard to tell the two of them apart.

2) Not actually RAW, but: There was a Harlem Globetrotters game on My 46. Color commentary man: Arsenio Hall. The 'Trotters only won by nine points. It's not too late to jump on the Generals' bandwagon.

3) The RAW announce team now includes sideline reporter Mike Adamle, formerly of "American Gladiators." Can he fill Todd Pettengill's shoes?

4) Switching back and forth between RAW and the State of the Union Address. I kept waiting for a "You fucked up" chant, but no dice. There were a few "Bush Fears Goldberg" signs, though.

5) Cognitive dissonance: I watch RAW, but have no interest whatsoever in UFC.

6) DX re-union! Sorry, fellas, but without "Badass" Billy Gunn (aka, the Assman), you're nothing to me. It doesn't seem very X-treme for Triple H to wear an adjustable baseball cap. Get that shit fitted, son. And wear it backwards. Also: Neon green? That's right up there with the Hitman's poontang pink as worst color scheme ever. And then when you talk about getting ready to suck it ...

7) Fun fact: Snitsky is a former Mizzou Tiger football player.

8) Hottest current WWE chick: Beth Phoenix. You could disagree, but you'd be wrong.

9) Some time around 9:00 I realized that I'm no better than the thousands of other Inter-nerds who write RAW reports. Major soul-searching followed.

10) Maybe this just reveals my ignorance in the field of fake leprechauns, but why is Hornswaggle's face always dirtier than a pair of Britney Spears' panties?

11) What the hell do you call those things that Brian Kendrick wears to the ring? They aren't shorts, they're not pants, and I don't think it's a skirt. It looks like he went shopping at a Renaissance fair or something.

12) Two chick matches in one night? That's a lot of puppies. Not to mention JBL's.

14) I'm superstitious.

15) Turn Back the Clock: The mic skills of the Ultimate Warrior.

16) I'm just saying: When did the Walls of Jericho become just a boring-ass Boston crab? It used to be cooler. ... Oops, Jericho just lost. I guess you could say he "went down in a blaze of glory."

17) I just figured out what John Cena's shoulderblock reminds me of: Ram Man.

Well, that's two hours I'll never get back.

Schmuck, Jobber, or Douche? John Mozeliak

Part of being a major league GM is dealing with criticism from the media -- even media that has no credibility or qualifications whatsoever. With that in mind, it's time to turn the spotlight on new Cards GM John Mozeliak.

Let's start with a rundown of the moves he has made so far this offseason. At least, the ones that I can remember without doing any research or legwork of my own (the only difference between Jay Mariotti and me is the eyebrows). In no particular order:

• Traded Jim Edmonds to the Padres for a left testicle.
  
• Traded Scott Rolen to the Blue Jays for Troy Glaus, a case of Labatt, and a Rush best-of.
  
• Let David Eckstein walk, causing Cardinal Nation to fret about what utterly average white guy it would cheer for in the future.
  
• Re-signed Aaron Miles for $1.4 million, roughly three times what they could have paid Brendan Ryan to suck just as much (if not a little less).
  
• Signed Cezar Izturis for $2.85 million. And not the good Cezar Izturis. Wait, there is no good Cezar Izturis.
  
• Signed Jason LaRue to serve as Joel Pineiro's personal catcher (if you know what I mean).
  
• Signed Matt Clement's goatee.
  
• Drafted Brian Barton in the Rule V draft, which is generally regarded as far inferior to the Rule IV draft, in which American GMs travel to the Soviet Union to face Ivan Drago.
  

With a few weeks to go before pitchers and catchers report, the Cards have a rotation of Wainwright/Pineiro/Looper/Clement/? and a lineup that features The Mang, a chaw-chewing trophy-humper, a Steve Blass-turned-outfielder, a third baseman who kind of looks like Bruce Campbell, and a bunch of Quadruple-A out machines. And yet Mozeliak pretends like the Cards have a chance to compete in '08.

You can't look at this team, and then look at the Brewers and Cubs, and tell me we have a chance to win. If we're gonna suck (and we are), tell me how we're building for the future. Tell me how the minors are important, how we're developing our own talent to take us into the next decade.

Don't sign Cezar Izturis and act like it's an improvement. 

Schmuck.

Busted: Chris Bon Jericho

Ever since Chris Jericho made his triumphant return to the WWE (that might be going a little far -- some crowds have given him a positively Hugh Morrus-like response), something about him has bothered me. Maybe it was the wallet chain. Maybe it was his crap-ass new finishing move, which looks like it would actually hurt him more than his opponent. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it (that's what she said).

Last night, watching a re-run of SNL, I figured it out. Chris Jericho stole Jon Bon Jovi's hair.

I present video evidence.

Mr. Jericho: You, sir, are busted!

FutureSmack: A Warning to Our Future Trivia Night Opponents

Dear Sir or Madam,

The members of this website have participated in numerous trivia nights over the past few years. For the most part we've held our own, but we come out on the losing end almost every time. I recall winning the inaugural Delta Sigma Pi Trivia Night (2002ish) in which we each took home the illustrious 1st place prize of a Trivial Pursuit board game. Since then we've been on an ugly losing streak. But before you go crowning us the David Duval of Trivia Nights, you need to realize that we are still in the baby stages of our TN careers.

10 years from now, it is going to be sick how dominant we are at Trivia Nights. You enjoy your moment in the sun now, but seriously - in 10 years, we're dropping the hammer. We admit, that currently we lack the "life experience" to match wits with people in their late 30's and 40's. That's cool...we get it. We'll pay our dues now, and wreck your life later.

The crazy thing is, we might not even need 10 years to hit our peak. In our mid-twenties, we are always in contention; multiply our smartness exponentially and the results are scary. You don't know when it's coming, but the moment it does, I hope to be there to rub it in yo' face! Seeing you in pain and agony over trivia beatdown after trivia beatdown will bring me great joy in my life.

And once we hit those golden years, watch the F out - we'll be winning all your money, then make it rain. We'll be taking your wives and girlfriends, probably make it rain again. We'll even post messages on your kids' myspace pages, telling you how much it is raining because their punk ass parents must don't know nothin' 'bout trivia!

A wise man once said: you think you're so smart, with your dago mustache and greasy hair. Win as much as you can now, because soon enough you'll be in the loser pool with the drunk 20-somethings who don't know shit and the old people who are out of touch - that's right, the LOSER POOL, brother!

My Message Is Clear.

Sincerely,
bertflex.com





If NWA ever rolled into a trivia night, it would probably look like this. These guys carry more guns though.

Slopparazzi

One of my new favorite things to watch is the TV version of tmz.com. It’s kind of like Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight, without the celebrity ass-kissing segments that those shows normally run.

It is pretty much a televised version of the website, for those who don’t have the patience to watch every video they post. With tons of daily coverage of Britney Spears – how could this possibly be a bad show?

Actually I’ve only been to their website a handful of times, but the TV version is pretty addictive. It’s insane how much round-the-clock coverage the paparazzi have on some of these celebrities (Britney, Lohan, Hilton, etc). It makes me wonder if I should buy a nice camera and hang out around the area in case someone important passes by.

Honestly I’d like to see a St. Louis version of TMZ, something we could do if we wanted to quit our lackluster day jobs. The difference would be that we’d cover St. Louis-only celebrities and the random “real” celebrities that frequent our little town once in a while. This would be perfect for a show right after Chalk Talk, on Charter’s channel 3. Everyone knows the ratings are outstanding for Chalk Talk, so we’d have a huge lead-in audience for our show. I imagine us covering such things as, “here’s a camera-phone video of Mike Bush picking his nose as he walks into the Pasta House! Oh yeah!!”

Maybe the moral of this story is that I’m becoming soft or possibly really gay, or this is the product of working with a bunch of women for the past 3 years (you need the latest edition of People, US Weekly, or OK! Magazine? Stop by). But I think it is for the better that I come out now, instead of letting you bastards gossip behind my back.

Rise To Mediocrity: The Movie

I originally wrote this article as a second point-counterpoint with Josh for the Hardcore League blog, but 7 months later, he has yet to respond. Maybe my point was so indisputable, Josh couldn’t come up with a rebuttal. Or maybe this was case #4718224 of “Josh being Josh.” Either way, here is my new vision, a movie about Justin’s heroic 2007 Fantasy Baseball season – Rise To Mediocrity.

I’ve seen Big Sandwich (Justin) play fantasy baseball since 2002. The results haven’t been pretty to say the least. After some horrible showings in York’s league from ‘02-‘04, he finally cashed in during the 2005 season in a different league. That year, we expanded to 3 fantasy leagues, and unfortunately the league he won doesn’t look too impressive on paper (6 team, deep AL only league). I can vouch that his team was loaded and he did very well in the draft and through free agent pickups. That is, until the last week of the season when he blew the lead, only to win it back on the final day.

I’m not sure what happened last winter, but Justin came out swinging in 2007. He finished 1st in a side league that he created. The level of competition was questionable, but he beat me out, so that is saying something. He finished second in the inaugural Hardcore League, holding on to first for a majority of the year. And in a third league, he finished second. This was a huge improvement over previous seasons, and it was hard to make fun of him too much while he was ahead of everyone in the standings.

Justin drafted quality teams, but like most successful fantasy owners, luck played a key role. Unless he really thought Ken Griffey and Kenny Lofton were going to be impact players all year.

Because of his past failures listed above, and one really memorable one, I think Disney should make a movie recapping Justin’s 2007 rise to fantasy excellence. It is the epitome of the underdog story. It would be like our own version of Rocky except without a homoerotic race vs. Apollo Creed on the beach. I have already booked Survivor to make the soundtrack, so we’ve got the ball rolling.

Disney hasn’t called me back about this project, but I’ve got some actors lined up in case the movie is a go:

Starring
	Eminem as Justin
	Bob Wickman as Tony
	Jonah Hill as Thomas
	Kelly Clarkson as Beth
	WWE Wrassler Trevor Murdoch as Josh
	Yi Jianlan as Shaun
	Daniel Craig as Jamie

I cannot guarantee that this will gross over $100 million, but I know there won’t be a dry eye in the theater once the closing credits are rolling. I think it will inspire a lot of people…to do a lot of heavy drinking and rioting.

IIIII'MMM ALBERRGHT PU-JOLSESS...

Hey everyone, welcome to the comeback of bertflex.com.

Some might call this version BertFlex '08 - same crap, but the rosters are updated at least. Plus there is the new feature called "Blogging Camp" in which you can train your blogging game for the real season. Also "Dynasty Blog." We sure put the nasty in dynasty. Get some BertFlex '08 in stores now! Boom!

All Bets Down!

There hasn't been a Bertflex article written in awhile, but it's about time to revive this beast. In honor of the MLB All-Star Game, we are thinking NBA All-Star Game and issuing odds on who will "Make it Rain" and/or become a shooting suspect during this week's break. The closest I've been to San Fran is Oakland, which resembles Baghdad with black people. I saw the Golden Gate Bridge and watched the dogshit out of "Full House", which makes me qualified.

2-1 Pacman Jones- Would he really be dumb enough to do this again? Answer; Hell Yes. The only good payout if you do take Pacman would be "Does he make it rain with $20's, $50's, or $100's?" and "Does he use a Hefty trash bag or a duffle bag to haul the green into the club?" You need to lay down a lot of cash to make this bet pay off!

3-1 Tank Johnson- Tank's odds are free falling after his non-DUI, but that just means he's been honing up on his game. Figure out this analogy; Tank Johnson:Guns as Michael Bay:Bad Movies. See, they just fit together. How can you have a nickname of "Tank" and not be looking for trouble? Plus, he went to college at Washington, which isn't too far from San Fran. He is ripe, and smart money says YES!

5-1 Jason Richardson- He just got traded from a playoff team (Golden State) to a shitter (Charlotte). Good chance he's looking for a way out of Charlotte as you read this, and spending time in the pokey might be better than playing with Charlotte "star" Gerald Wallace. Plays in the NBA where guns and Ricky Davis are readily accessible, but still a dark horse among favorites.

11-2 Yi Jianlian- Sure, he's Chinese. Doesn't matter. San Francisco has one hell of a Chinatown. What's better than spending a winter in Milwaukee with Andrew Bogut? Anything. Smokin' some heads and heading back to China is an option that Yi might just take up. Might get mistaken for Yao Ming, so the odds that someone could actually pinpoint Yi over Yao takes Yi's odds down. Ok bet, but has a great alibi of "Las Vegas Summer League", but again, what doesn't happen in Vegas, still stays in Vegas. Would add to well needed street cred.

13-2 Prince Fielder- Don't get in the middle of a buffet and Prince Fielder. Cold bodies turn up. Might happen if you bump Prince during his hourly Rice-a-Roni session. Instincts say no, but again, his dad is Cecil, who spent some time in the pen too.

10-1 Barry Bonds- 'Roid rage happens to everyone from Brian Bosworth to Chris Benoit. At least Bonds doesn't have a wife to throw a Bible down next to. Plus, he would have beaten the white guy's homerun record, but not Hank Aaron's. A great pick with a decent payout. There is no time better than now for Bonds to do this.

23-2 Chili Davis- Chili Davis is just a bad muthafucker. You don't mess with Chili Davis. Some Las Vegas casinos could take odds on Chili Davis conspiring with Jeffrey Leonard, who would then do the "Flap Down" around the cold SOB that pissed them off. Chili's 1987 resemblance to Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction is phenomenal, and Chili probably has a "Bad Muthafucker" wallet too. And in that wallet lays some money that says not to bet on this happening. It's just funny to think about.

18-1 OJ Simpson- Played for the 49ers at the end of his career, so he is somewhat familiar with area. He is due for some publicity, and is looking for a sequel to "How I Would Have Done It". Could be a good bet, with a great payout.

20-1 Tim Hardaway- Played most of his career with Golden State, and hates gays. San Francisco is faaaabullllous Tim. Make sure your not carrying a purse around Timmy, or your head may fit in a box.

Seven Items That Will Make You The Smart Person at Work

It's that time of the week to gets your smarts so you can move up from the fries to the drive thru.

1). The NHL playoffs began last week, which means playoff beards and sweet mullets. Remember this name; George Parros. Boy George sports one of the sweeter mullet/mustache combos ever to hit God's green Earth. It's part Mulltalica mullet/part 70's porn. Oh, and the playoffs are on this channel called 'Versus'. The same channel that schlups the Mountain West Conference (exclusively on Versus...YEAH!!), PBR (not Pabst- Pro Bull Riding), and shitty boxing. One plus is they kicked the tires on Jack Edwards, who is hands down the best hockey studio man in the biz.

2). Sunday was Jackie Robinson Day. The entire Cardinals team wore '42' jerseys. Like Mike Shannon isn't confused/drunk enough during a regular game.

3). Some guy nicknamed "White Tyson" beat the shit out of this big Russian dude (Ruslan Chagaev and Nikolai Valuev). Big Russian dude was the champ, and 7 foot tall. The fight was basically a real life 'Punch Out'. "White Tyson" used the Mac theory on Soda Popinski (counter the uppercuts).

4). Pope Benedict turned 80 on Sunday. Everyone remembers that white smoke means we have a new pope right? Ok, remember that by September. It's the 'Big Head Pick to Click'.

5). Steffi Graf got hit in the grill with a tennis racket...by her husband Andre Agassi! Andre "accidentally" busted Steffi in the lip at a fundraiser. Steffi needed three stiches, and Andre needs a new swing coach. Which leads to only one question; "Is Andre Agassi gonna have to smack a bitch?". Don't mess with Andre.

6). With a bad TV watching Sunday night, On the 'I Love New York Reunion Show', Tango pulled the hat trick, and dumped New York's ass on TV for the third time. He said that New York made fun of his momma, so she had to go. Afterwards, my girlfriend gave me my balls back.

7). Chicago got the U.S. bid for the 2016 Summer Olympics. When the U.S. Men's Basketball team shows up, it will give Chi-town just another overrated team ready to implode. The final picks by the International Olympic people will be in '09.

My heart hurts just writing this

No, those aren't cancerous tumors removed from The Schwab's ass; they are the latest attempt by the Gateway Grizzlies to lure your fat ass to the ballpark. They are "baseball's best slider", two White Castle sliders that are breaded and deep fried! They make a great appetizer before devouring the infamous Krispy Kreme donut burger or the original black angus, bacon, saurkraut, onions and cheese dog. The two deep fried sliders ring in at a wopping 600 calories and 40 g. of fat, and this is what Grizzlies GM Tony "thunderturd" Funderburg had to say about their ever-growing menu "Never could we have envisioned such a response from the burger last year, this is just another way to make Grizzlies games at GCS Ballpark more fun!" With this continued expansion of the menu Thunderturd might want to set some money aside for re-inforcing the stadium in order to withstand the increasing weight of the average spectator, maybe making the seats wider and puting some more toilets in too! The Frontier Leagues finest get their 7th season underway May 23rd and I am unhappy to say that Shawn Smarsh is no longer with the team.

Gone Dancin'

There has to be some good/bad stories as the field was widdled down to 16. Biggest surprises that cost me have been Butler and Vandy. Other than those, I'm dancing smoothly. As for the party I had Sunday night, "dancing" and "smoothly" don't happen to get together. Still no clue what's on my shirt during the Truffle Shuffle.

I'm getting a gun

As I watched the ending of yesterdays UNC/ Duke matchup many thing were going through my head: I LOVE BEATING DUKE, we've won the ACC regular season title, we've stopped our losing streak, and then it happened....



Billy Packer is the dumbest human being on the face of the earth....I knew this already but I think he put the exclamation point on it right there! Duke showed their true colors yesterday, Roy was way to calm for the situation. Since nobody in Tar Heel nation is stepping up, I'm getting a gun and going to Durham....who's coming with me?

Musical Chairs

With Spring Training about to get into full effect, it is also that time of the year where players pick out music for warming up, bullpen entrances, and batting intros. The more memorable ones lately have been Trevor Hoffman's Hell's Bells or Mariano Rivera coming out to Enter Sandman. We have heard some shitty intros before, so I'm going to do my best to help out some of MLB's best pick out their new muzak.

Purple Pills (D12)- Barry Bond's intro

Make it Rain (Fat Joe)- Kip Wells' warmup...every inning

Ditty (Paperboy)- A drunken night with David Wells (just because you can't understand anything in the song or what comes from Babe Jr's mouth)

I Wish (Skee Lo)- David Eckstein

Hair of the Dog (Nazereth)- Pujols

Money (Pink Floyd)- A-Rod

It's Raining Men (Weather Girls)- Jim Edmonds

Hard Knock Life (Jay-Z)- Jason Isringhausen trotting in

Let's Get Retarded (Black Eyed Peas)- Brad Thompson

If Everyone Cared (Nickleback)- Florida Marlins' theme song

It's Not Over (Daughtry)- Ryan Dempster coming in

Loser (Beck)- Jeff Weaver warming up

I'm Back... (Mase)- Roger Clemens

Not again!

Another "OOPSIE" dumb-ass injury sports story...

MESA, Ariz. (AP) - Oft-injured Kerry Wood is out again — this time because of a flub in a hot tub. The Chicago Cubs pitcher is not expected to throw off the mound for a few days after he slipped this week getting out of a hot tub at home. Wood landed on his stomach and chest. "It was just a little spill," Wood said Thursday. "I didn't think anything of it. Nothing's wrong. It's just going to be a few extra days. My arm feels great. My body feels good." Wood said he probably would not have thrown off the mound until Friday had he not gotten hurt. He participated in most drills on Thursday when pitchers and catchers worked out for the first time. Bothered by an injured right shoulder the past three seasons, Wood is being converted to a reliever after being limited to four starts last year.

I predict this (as well as many other off-season flubs!) will come back to haunt the Cubs later this year...

Just Wingin' It

Coming across the wire might be the "What the hell?" contract of the 21st century. A-Rod's $256 million, Barry's $15.8 mill, and Bill Hall $24 million over four years! Read that again. Bill Hall is making $6 million a year. Wait, let me equate that for you with zeros; $6,000,000 a year, or 12,000,000 tacos at Jack 'n the Box. Hall is described on espn.com as "super-utilityman". Thinking in the form of "super-utilityman", I have come up with a "super-utility wingman" of former Cardinals that cannot be beat.

Tripp Cromer-Not only could this guy not bag a girl, but he also threw like one. He was Royce Clayton's backup, which as you repeat that to yourself in rehab makes you want to bite the business end of a 9mm.

Tripp's pickup line: "You know what they say about guys with long necks"

Eli Marrero- Eli can thank his minor league star batterymate for helping get him to the majors. Who would that 'future star' be? None other than Manny Aybar. Yeah, these were the Cards 'stars' in Memphis/Louisville in the 90's. Eli could catch, play first, and any of the outfield spots. He could hit sometimes, but by the time he got between first and second, he was breathing harder than a lunch lady unloading a Sysco food truck. The chances of him taking your girl was next to nothing. All you would have to do is stand 270 feet away. He'd need a breather before he even got close.

Eli's pickup line: "I'll get you some dugout seats cause that's where I always watch the game from"

Jose Vizcainio- And this guy got a ring with the Cards last year?? I can't honestly remember him stepping onto the diamond other than the Post-Dispatch shot of him running onto the field for the celebration. I think he's old enough to have brought baby Jesus the frankenscense.

Jose's pickup line: "Remember the Lincoln administration? I do!"

Stubby Clapp- If this were a name contest, he would have won hands down. Stubby got a little PT at 2B/SS and is in the same catagory as Bo Hart. While I have no clue where Hart is, as I flipped on the WBC last year, I saw Stubby Clapp playing the field for Canada. Almost makes you wonder if it was like one of those NHL/Olympic things where in reality, the country is already too damn good so you have to change your citizenship to a shittier country in your sport. This is also known as the Mike Piazza rule. His name alone would kill his chances with your lady friend.

Stubby's pickup line: "I'm Stubby Clapp bitch! Show me yo' titties!"

Bertflex Night at Dave & Buster's

There was one ugly showing of Bertflexian's during my trip back to the 'Lou, all commensurating at Dave & Buster's in Maryland Heights. All the pictures are loaded in the Bertflex Photo Gallery, but lets share some of the better moments.

Sir's clinic on the Dance Dance Revolution machine was a classic. Granted, I have never tried DDR, I don't understand DDR, and I have no need to ever do DDR. There is video of TP's DDR moves, so if you want it, leave your name on the comments screen, and I'll get it to you. I've never seen the use of a metal pole like that without throwing money on stage.

Shaun is hands down the "Pop a Shot" king. Some advice to Wise Lebron: Watchout! While I was fairly drunk and ended up throwing headfakes on the machine, Shaun decided to throw down 73. Sick...

On the flipside of being good, TP's showing on the football toss machine was awful. Another video is available. I think an RZ Trainer might be under the Christmas tree in the Pellegrino household. PS...Tom Emanski won't be calling after seeing that aim. Watching Josh throw southpaw on the machine was pretty amusing too. Did I say I was drunk?

I ended up getting faded quickly. Throwing back big mugs of beer did help me get down on the mallet pounding machine. More beer also made me repulse/hit on some decent looking chicks on the Trivia Game. Unbelievably, the girl and I ended up winning and screwing the rest of Bertflex out of some more tickets for prizes. And about those prizes? Poker set, D&B ashtray, some shitty baseball cards, a Tyler Johnson plaque (sounds like a name of a disease that will be around, i.e. 'Lou Gehrig's Disease'), and an Adam Wainwright card from Spring Training.

The best part may have come after Sandwich and I took the Regal Beagle by storm. I 'played' darts ('play' is a strong word. More like 'laid down and died'), drank more, and ended up getting some free drinks from the fatty bartender because there were three guys scarier than us in there and she didn't want to be left alone. When I'm in the bar late, I'm usually the creepy guy that she's wanting to get rid of, so a switcherroo wasn't so bad for once. It's like Freaky Friday and I left my body for once! With a game of 20 Questions, I also figured out that one of my best friends took the fatty bartender home. YIKES!! Oh, St. Louis, how I miss thee. Oh, and I'm still scarred by what I caught Brian from 'Family Guy' doing at D&B...

Maybe Even Peyton Mannin'...Maybe...

With the exception of the always exciting Pro Bowl, another football season is in the books. And for about the tenth straight year, I capped it off by eating around 8 pounds of food.

For a "real" recap of the game, feel free to stop by a credible website for all that, but for a recap of what the Super Bowl is all about--food and gambling--keep it locked here.

At the Knights of Columbus party, I loaded up on a few ham and roast beef sandwiches. Yes, I said a few. Combine that with four piles of those little smokies, a bowl of chili, some Italian meatballs, a ton of tortilla chips (covered with more chili), and three cupcakes, and we've got ourselves a good first quarter. I know the ILL-side party had some chicken wings with Ben's special sauce (oops, that came out wrong), plus the ever-so-lovable Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

As for the gambling, I sucked on the squares games, and was shut out once again. I think I fared better at the degenerate dollar bets going on at Justin's party. Tony will calculate the totals and I'm sure will send out the "invoices," errr face-punching squad, sometime this week. I know a couple of us won on the length of the National Anthem. Big ups to the Piano Man for keeping it under 1:42. Feel free to add your results to the comments section.

And thus concludes another fun year of football. Time to defrost Mel Kiper and get him ready for the draft pre-game show, which starts Thursday I think. Until then, let's focus on getting Ted Ginn fitted for his Rams uni...


photo courtesy www.blackbettie.blogspot.com; she shares her love for Flamin' Hot Cheetos in the May '05 link.

MissFlex

Welcome one, welcome all to the 2007 MissFlex Pageant. Yes, I did just say “Miss” as in females. See fellas, there are these things called ‘women’ (which are opposite of us). We naturally repulse them with gas, wiffleball, drunk dials, movie quotes, and the fact that we can legitimately name all the members of the California Angels squad on RBI Baseball. I realize that many of our readers may be more familiar with Ted Power’s ERA for the 1990 Cardinals than what a hot chick looks like. Let me get you up to speed on that what's hot and what's not classification…


















Now that we have that covered...we already have Bertflex, and it is now time for MissFlex. Get your wife, girlfriend, mistress, hot friends, or random bar whores to pop on a Bertflex.com jersey and snap a picture. Don’t have a jersey? No problem! Just have the hottie hold up a random sign about one of the Bertflex writers (example: “I gave Tony the Heisman at Bertflex.com”, “Big Sandwich is still a virgin”, “York Hearts Roy Williams”, or Shaun’s favorite “I’m too young for Tony”). This can definitely spice up a lame night at the bar, plus it gives you the chance to make small talk with a hottie. It’s “Girls Gone Wild”, only with a more pathetic Joe Francis!

You can email the pictures to bertflexdotcom@yahoo.com. We will vote in a few different categories to crown MissFlex; hotness, drunkenness, great quotes on signs, and we will compact it down to a top three or four for you to vote on later. The person who submitted the winning photo will receive a gift basket full of goodies/random bowl, courtesy of myself.

A reason to celebrate...

Yes, yes, hell yes! Myself and fellow Cheeseheads across the country get to postpone one more year of agonizing "Who the hell is this guy" talk as #4 "officially" announced this morning that he would return for another year. With the Badgers losing to Indiana Wednesday night, we needed something to celebrate going into the weekend. This has given me the perfect opportunity to fight the below-zero weather to go out drinking!