Just Wingin' It

Coming across the wire might be the "What the hell?" contract of the 21st century. A-Rod's $256 million, Barry's $15.8 mill, and Bill Hall $24 million over four years! Read that again. Bill Hall is making $6 million a year. Wait, let me equate that for you with zeros; $6,000,000 a year, or 12,000,000 tacos at Jack 'n the Box. Hall is described on espn.com as "super-utilityman". Thinking in the form of "super-utilityman", I have come up with a "super-utility wingman" of former Cardinals that cannot be beat.

Tripp Cromer-Not only could this guy not bag a girl, but he also threw like one. He was Royce Clayton's backup, which as you repeat that to yourself in rehab makes you want to bite the business end of a 9mm.

Tripp's pickup line: "You know what they say about guys with long necks"

Eli Marrero- Eli can thank his minor league star batterymate for helping get him to the majors. Who would that 'future star' be? None other than Manny Aybar. Yeah, these were the Cards 'stars' in Memphis/Louisville in the 90's. Eli could catch, play first, and any of the outfield spots. He could hit sometimes, but by the time he got between first and second, he was breathing harder than a lunch lady unloading a Sysco food truck. The chances of him taking your girl was next to nothing. All you would have to do is stand 270 feet away. He'd need a breather before he even got close.

Eli's pickup line: "I'll get you some dugout seats cause that's where I always watch the game from"

Jose Vizcainio- And this guy got a ring with the Cards last year?? I can't honestly remember him stepping onto the diamond other than the Post-Dispatch shot of him running onto the field for the celebration. I think he's old enough to have brought baby Jesus the frankenscense.

Jose's pickup line: "Remember the Lincoln administration? I do!"

Stubby Clapp- If this were a name contest, he would have won hands down. Stubby got a little PT at 2B/SS and is in the same catagory as Bo Hart. While I have no clue where Hart is, as I flipped on the WBC last year, I saw Stubby Clapp playing the field for Canada. Almost makes you wonder if it was like one of those NHL/Olympic things where in reality, the country is already too damn good so you have to change your citizenship to a shittier country in your sport. This is also known as the Mike Piazza rule. His name alone would kill his chances with your lady friend.

Stubby's pickup line: "I'm Stubby Clapp bitch! Show me yo' titties!"