Early Entry

I have decided a change of careers is necessary. I have decided to enter my name in the 2007 NBA Draft. I have already faxed my paperwork to the league office, so there is no turning back now. I realize that it is very early, especially since the '06 draft just completed, and I haven't played organized roundball since starting on North Middle School's 8th grade team at the point. That just means that I am fresh. Lets breakdown the stats...

Height: 5' 6"
Weight: 185lbs (some muscle, some King Cobra 40's)
Age: 24
Race: White
School: Western Illinois University
Frame: Doughy on some parts
Wingspan: 5' 10"
Verticle: 13.75 inches
Illigitament Kids: None that he knows of
Brush with law: Taken to Danville, IL police station in July 2004 after taking a dump in a Pepsi machine.
Tangibles: Hasn't played in a long time, so is probably due to hit a bucket or two. Great headfake at the free-throw line for no reason at all. Honed game with many games of 'Jumpball' at Justin's house (can shoot on the run). Calls 'bank' and whines for his 'change' if he scores. Can wear a headband with the best of them.

When ESPN analyst Jay Bilas heard of my entry, he took time out of his hectic late June schedule to issue his own analysis.

"Matt Thiel is an intriguing prospect. He told me that he has a 3rd round guarantee from a team. I told him there were only two rounds in the draft, but he had zoned out and was flexing in his bathroom mirror. Thiel reminds me of three players combined into one- Mugsy Boges, Oliver Miller, and Matt Bullard, but without the shot. Throws a mean headfake at the free-throw line, but usually fakes himself out into crossing the line. Also a magician at fouling and throwing elbows. Did have one basketball scholarship offer, but was turned down since it was an all-girls private college. At 24, is an older prospect with more experiences. 'Mature' doesn't describe him."

The only team I have heard from is the NY Knicks, and they promised me a pick if I was still around in the 3rd round. Thanks Isiah! I will be holding public workouts at the YMCA in downtown Omaha. Welcome to the Gun Show ladies.




Groupies? YES!!

Hooligan Heaven

I have a message for Mr. Maltliquorman and Sir: When Shaun asks you to go to a ballgame, you say "yes"--every time. No punking out. What transpired last night was one of the best moments I've ever seen at Busch Stadium.

Starting from the beginning, the Gross Jersey Patrol caught not one, not two...but three of their biggest offenders ever. The photo below is not photoshopped, nor am I referring to the Mac Wire jersey. That jersey actually brings some credibility to the foursome. Barely.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, not only was Georgie Dubs in town on Wednesday...Gary Bennett's family was in town! Actually, I cannot confirm those are his family members, but there is no other logical explanation of what transpires in the photo to the left.

And no that is not my finger pointing to the lady in the middle, but some other brave soul who dared to walk 4 feet behind the Bennett jerseys. I think I overheard him saying, "Ewww! I hope nobody takes a picture of me standing next to that (point)."

Sorry buddy.

So after zooming through 7 quick innings of low scoring, well-pitched baseball (by Chris Carpenter and Jake Westbrook), we had to sit through a dreadful top of the 8th that pretty much lasted 45 minutes. You would have thought that more than 3 runners scored for the Indians, but considering the Cardinals used 4 relievers that inning...

LaRussa-ball at its finest.

By the way, when does the Chris Perez countdown begin?

On to the bottom of the ninth. After barely deciding NOT to leave, we stayed to watch So Taguchi begin the rally by hitting a ball 400 feet in the air, and 6 feet forward. Luckily the sure-handed Kelly Shoppach was sitting behind home plate and decided to drop the ball. Great hustle by So, who was on second base because the ball took a minute to bounce off the moon and come back down. Had the great Barry Bonds hit that ball, he would have been in the shower by the time it bounced off Shoppach's glove.

Sac bunt by Molina, followed up by a double from Miles tied the game at 4. A groundout by the Speezer left Miles on third with two outs. It was up to Davey Ecks-O's to win this game. By now, Bob Wickman had a pool of sweat surrounding the pitchers mound. It was as if he were pitching from a moat, and no doubt envisioning how sad he'll be in the locker room--thinking about this loss, eating a couple boxes of Hostess Cupcakes.

But Davey hit a weak grounder to J-Honny Peralta, who decides to test the scooping skills of Victor Martinez at first (yes, he played the 8th and 9th at first, while Shoppach caught...great call Eric Wedge). Whoops! The throw gets away, and the losing streak is over. The celebration begins, and because we lost 8 in a row, the only way to celebrate is to throw the give-away seat cushions onto the field, Hooligan Style!

I could hear WWE announcer Jim Ross yelling, "Dammit! These damn fans are throwing their damn seat cushions on the DAMN FIELD! Good God Almighty!!"

The Cardinals really needed to win in this manner. Comeback, bottom of the ninth, walk-off error. Well, except that last part.

Watching ballgames since the Pujols injury has been pretty boring. Not a lot of excitement. This definitely put a spark in the fans, and hopefully the players too. Even better, Kansas City comes to town looking to donate a few wins to the 'Birds.

Let this be a lesson learned by the two people mentioned at the beginning of this article. You guys suck, and you are not clutch.

Julius gets his props

Ping!

Now that the College World Series is over, I can safely say that I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized a couple of things outside of baseball. A). I never want a daughter. I know that I am moving into 'creepy old guy' category at 24 just for looking at high school girls. If the way high school girls have changed their looks in just the ten years since we were all in high school, I don't even want to imagine what will happen when I finally have an accident child, then add the 14 years onto that. Sure, the CWS had several hot college girls, but I would say that 50% of the girls I thought were college aged weren't. B). Omaha is great for college sports. We don't have much else up here, and the O-Royals couldn't fill Rosenblatt if they were handing out $50 bills to every fan. Creighton, UNO hockey, the cocksuckers..err I mean Huskers are all supported fairly well. Omaha has the volleyball and wrestling national championships coming in the next five years, along with the CWS staying in town. C). There are huge bags of douche that work at Rosenblatt. I almost got banned from the 'blatt on the first Monday of the tourney cause I apparently cut in line. I thought it was a Chinese cut, but who am I to say what's what. Plus they destroy every beach ball that they see in the stands. D). Awful tattoos. If you're going to go with the area code tat make sure it's a cool area code. I saw a fat mexican kid with '402' tatted down his calf. I wanted to stab him in the jaw just for that alone, not because he said sour apple is the best Jolly Ranch flavor (Dane Cook reference). Couldn't imagine rocking the '618' across my beer gut. Also, if you have a tattoo on your neck or face, you had better be pretty comfortable with the job you're in right now, because you aren't getting another.







What does bobblehead Ozzie Guillen think of Rosenblatt security? - "Fag homo piece of shit"






Another thing that kind of made me feel weird was watching grown men get autographs from college players. There should be a rule against this because I think all of these so-called 'men' were developing man crushes on college players. Very strange and awkward to watch.

The best thing about the series are all the vendors outside. There are a ton of bars and beer tents, and the parties would put Len Bias to shame. I do marketing, and here is my plan for the NC-double A; serve beer. The NCAA would get a huge kickback if they served beer. Hmmm, lets think about this; college kids like beer, but the NCAA has such an upstanding reputation to keep (by 'upstanding' I really mean 'terrible'), so instead of watching these kids get tanked in the stands and keep the money, the kids just go across the street and the NCAA doesn't get shit. You can drink beer at basketball games indoors, but when you need an ice cold frosty one on a hot ass day, there isn't one in sight. I guess Mike Shannon will never come see the CWS for that reason alone.

A few of the celebs that came to Omaha; Cal and Billy 'Fuckface' Ripken, UNC coach Roy Williams, Henry Winkler, Barry Williams, the dad from Family Ties (I think. I sat behind him and it looked like him), Kevin Costner, Lou Brock, Bob Gibson (who actually lives here), Robin Ventura, and others. I met Mike Patrick playing blackjack at our casino, and Erin Andrews is for sure a top five on the 'I Need to Bang' list. If I was a kid on the Make a Wish program, I know that I'd fly to Bristol and throw a couple jell-o shots Erin Andrews' way and watch them panties drop. Also met Miles Brand, who is the NCAA prez now, but he is the one that was well known for firing Bobby Knight. I also got to meet Omaha's new women's football team. It definately brought up the dyke ratio.

Oh well, now we have to wait another year to hear the annoying 'ping' sound. At least I can go get shitty and boo the ballgirl at the Royals game.

Get'cher Brett Myers Gear!

This has been posted elsewhere on the internets but I figured I would keep up my reputation for being needlessly offensive and post this great picture for those who haven't seen it yet. I hope the Phillies start selling these because I will buy one.

For those who don't know, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers apparently likes to beat his wife and the shirt is called a "wife-beater", get it? Told you it was offensive. It's alright, I'm already going to hell so I'm just taking one for the team.

Credit Dean Miller through UniWatch.

What in the Hell?

Lets play a quick game of what the hell is Frank White bobblehead holding?


a) A stack of mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
b) A stack of pies
c) A stack of gloves
d) That's actually not Frank White, but a tanned Burt Reynolds

Answer- C. Who knew Frank White had 8 Gold Glove Awards? The fact that he won 8 gloves makes AL teams cringe. I'm guessing Frank White beat a legless Ron Santo in a 40 yd dash and took his Gold Gloves, and then shanked Cal Ripken and stole a few of his. It's funny that it's for the first 20,000 because the Royals could combine an entire series and get maybe 30,000 in three games.

World Series of Sandlot (or SandlotSlam I)

Sunday SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! The first ever SandlotSlam will take place this sunday at 2pm at Gordon Moore Park in Alton, IL. This event will pit the Missouri state champions of sandlot, M.A.D. (Mashin' Ass Dudes) against the Illinois state champions, the 6-1-Hate. The winners of this momentous event will be crowned the "Widely Disputed Sandlot Champions of the World."

The 'Hate roster such players as captain Justin Rohour, Ben Bridgeman, Jamie Roe, David, and Tyler. MAD features Shaun "The Hammer" Kennedy, Tony "Former Superstar" Pellegrino and some guy named Keith that Shaun knows. Jah Slowness will also play for MAD but we think the word "features" is a little to strong for Josh.

The 'Slam will showcase a clash of styles. The 'Hate feature a smallball offense, reflecting the tendencies of their captain Rohour while MAD has an "American League" style, relying heavily on the longball. The most feared hitter in the 'Hate lineup has to be Bridgeman, mainly due to his steadfast insistance that he is a better hitter than he was in previous sandlot games. He promises not to show up hung over so we may get a better scouting report after this match. Kennedy projects out to be the best MAD player on a team that also rosters "All-Time Sandlot Home Run King" Tony Pellegrino. It remains to be seen if the Former Superstar can regain his old form, even for one day.

Rohour and Pellegrino, the captains of their respective teams, formed one of the first Sandlot teams in history, the Smizak Squad. One of the most fearsome duos in sandlot history, the Smizak finished a close second to Cleave's Team, the 1997 Widely Disputed Sandlot Champions of the World. Since those days, many games of sandlot have been played, but none have had the importance of Sunday's SandlotSlam when the former teammates face off. Emotions and tempers should run high in this Winner Take All showdown, as evidenced by this interview with MAD masher Shaun Kennedy...

Bert Flex: What are your thoughts about this weekend's SandlotSlam?

Shaun Kennedy: We're already looking past Sunday and preparing for the next game. And we don't even know when the next game is.

BF: Some would question your focus after a quote like that.

SK: Dr. Mashenstein is ready to play, homey.

BF: With all of the pre-game trash talking, do you think you're in Justin's head?

SK: Yeah we're in his head. He's been thinking about this ass-pounding all week...as opposed to thinking about other ass poundings he's taken.

BF: What kind of future do you think Justin has in this game?

SK: He'll realize he's done at about 2:15 Sunday afternoon; he'll be forced into retirement. It's sad. Kind of like Nolan Ryan giving up a grand slam to end his career to Dann Howitt. Justin Rohour has nothing left to offer any team in sandlot baseball. Hopefully he takes Nolan's advice and pops a few advil before this game. It's gonna be painful.

BF: Dann Howitt?

SK: After Dann Howitt washes my car on sunday, maybe i'll give him a buck for bus fare to watch the game.

BF: Do you have any advice for Justin and the 6-1-Hate?

SK: Have a ball, cocksucker.

There you have it folks. See you sunday!



If he un-fades himself, come see this
guy get lit up.

Going, Going... Awful

Ahhh, my first Bert Flex post. Daily reader and first time poster. I feel like the kid that came up from the crowd in San Francisco in the 70's to play drums for The Who after Keith Moon passed out from taking horse tranquilizers. Anyway, let's pop this cherry...

During my travels from the STL to Western Illinois University to Peoria and now out here in Omaha, I have caught several different sports teams with very different announcers. Some are good and some make me cringe. In this post, I like to focus on the awfulness of several of them. So without further adieu (not Freddy), I give you the worst announcers in all of sports.

6. Chip Carey & Joe Carter (WGN Chicago Cubs)

I know this may look like a homer pick since I am fan of the birds on bat, but this one was almost too easy, and could easily be a number one. After grandpa Harry deep-sixed himself, WGN was in trouble. Steve Stone decided to leave for awhile, and it was the end of one of the best booth teams, mainly because Harry could find a way to butcher the hell out of Anthony Young's name. It was entertaining. Chip on the other hand was working with his pop, Skip, on TBS games. Chip got a call from the Superstation and took the gig hoping it was with someone good. Instead he got Joe Carter. Sure this guy was a hero in some place called "Toronto", but Carter sounded like he was always talking to an 8 year old at the Boys and Girls Club when he was on air. Thank God this team didn't last too long together.

5. Bob Carpenter & Ricky Horton (WB11)

Here's what really pissed me off about these two; since I lived in Peoria, the only games I could pick up were Chi-town ones because I had Comcast. No Fox Sports. But every Sunday, I could watch the Cards because our WB affiliate would have them on. Most of the time I couldn't even make it through an entire game because of these two. Basically, I have a vendetta against Bob Carpenter. He has Joe Carter syndrome where it sounds like he is talking to little kids. It would get even worse when kids would go into the booth because Bob would really turn on the vocabulary and try to be hip with the kids. Absolutely the worst local television team I have ever seen. Watching this pair reminded me of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street, but more gay. Pretty bad when putting Ozzie Smith in the booth after he retired was a better option!

4. Jimmy Dykes (ESPN College Football)

You will notice an abundance of announcers from the Worldwide Leader towards the top, which makes the need for the Ocho inevitable. Dykes knows ACC basketball. This isn't the first time ESPN has put an ex-athlete in a sport that they know aren't familiar with; Heather Mitts covering baseball, Chris Spielman covering football (Zing!). Dykes is the sideline reporter for the late afternoon or night game, usually out west, so he gets some turd games. My favorite Jimmy Dykes moment happend during the 2004 season, when ESPN sent him to cover a Boise State game on the blue turf. Dykes tried to improv and had a bit where he would see how far he could throw a potato. He hyped it up and during a timeout, it was Jimmy's time to shine. He lined up on the back line of the endzone, ran to the goal line and heaved a potato about 15 yards and ate a face full of blue turf. It reminds me of my drunk uncle at Thanksgiving everytime.

3. Gary Thorne, Orel Hershiser, & Orestes Destrade (ESPN World Baseball Classic)

I wish Gary Thorne's name wasn't in this equation because I actually like him, at least when he is not screaming (which happens 88.3% of the time). ESPN tried to go PC for the WBC and get a latin player to cover the games. Destrade is a washed up former Marlin/Astros first bagger who's main claim to fame was that his goggles made Horace Grant and James Worthy's look like contact lenses. Destrade tried to throw a latin flair and would roll his r's and called every latin player by his real name (he called Bert Flex 'Jose Alberto Pujols' several times). Hershiser on the other hand had to have the last word on everything. Destrade did too. These two ribbed each other and it always got more awkward than the Jim Everett-Jim Rome "Don't call me Chris" episode. Watching this team reminded me of high schoolers doing local access show.

2. Jon Miller & Joe Morgan (ESPN Sunday Night Baseball)

Both of these guys get the 'terrible' stamp. Jon Miller doing Gigantes games isn't that bad, but team him up with Morgan and they are the worst baseball booth I've seen. Morgan is basically a black Steve Stone; an overrated know-it-all. Especially in the last three seasons, Morgan has gotten a huge ego. ESPN pimps Morgan out ever since they started the Fact/Fiction part of SportsCenter. He is their resident HOF player, so he always gets his say, and very rarely is he ever right. Morgan and Pellegrino have something in common when calling shots. Morgan ripped Edgar Renteria during Ozzie Smith HOF induction weekend on SportsCenter. Morgan was in Cooperstown and couldn't make it to the Cards Sunday night tilt that night to see Edgar jack a walk off. I believe David Justice may have been the replacement for that night. Pretty bad when that is an improvement. YIKES!

1. Pam Ward & Andre Ware (ESPN2 College Football)

It's hard to get up for a Northwestern-Purdue game that starts at 10-freakin o'clock on a Saturday, but these two make it even rougher. Granted, they get Big 11 games that get put on ESPN2, so most of those games are a big pile of deuce. They don't have much to choose from other than a whole lot of shitty teams; N-western, Purdue, Michigan State, Illinois, Penn State until this last year, Minnesota, and occasionally an Iowa/Michigan/Ohio State sneeks in when they play one of the mentioned skanks of the Big 11 on the road. This booth team is basically affimative action at it's best. ESPN doesn't waste another booth by putting another female in with good color man (not the racist term 'color'). ESPN should have given the stiff arm to the former Heisman winner, but of course ESPN whores itself out just to say they own someone like Ware. If I lived in Minnesota and happened to not bite the business end of a 9mm during a November snow, and happened to turn a Minnesota/Illinois game on at 10am with the Ward/Ware team, suicide would seem like a better option.

Well peeps , there you have it. I know it's up for debate since we all have seen some award winning attempts at awfulness. While it's hard to make someone number one, they all sound like huge piles of number two.

Why I Love Mark Cuban

Lifted from his blog, blogmaverick

I cant think of anything funnier than a 3 year old cursing. I mean come on, does it really matter if we say Poo Poo or shit ? Of course not. Unless of course your married and your wife tells you it matters. She doesnt want to be the one who gets phone calls from teachers and other parents getting blamed for all the 3 year olds in the little gym class screaming “Kiss My Ass you Mo Fo”... Me, i couldnt think of anything i would rather see and hear. but thats me. Back to the point here. I like to curse.

I like to think of myself as Mark Cuban without the money.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions this week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

The title of this week's bad-ass picture is:
Tony "Oil Can" Pellegrino.

Ever since I saw this picture, I've been trying to figure out whose mechanics that looks like. I was thinking Jeff Weaver but that's not right. Feel free to make suggestions. I don't think it's Oil Can though Shaun.

See below for information on how to submit your question. We know you need the help.






1. (Compulsive Gambler--Woodson Terrace, MO) Big Ben, JJ Redickulous, and now Esteban Loaiza ...do we need to start a DUI/bad driving pool after we do the death pool?

I am absolutely in for a DUI & drug arrest pool. In fact, maybe we should open it up to a "Charges Filed" pool, with more points awarded for first time offenders than for repeaters. I'm intrigued by this possibility and I think we should throw it around a little bit, work out the rules, etc, and get it going. Time's a-wastin'!

2. (Big Head--Omaha) Nice job on the CWS picks (six of eight). Throw some names my way so I know who to look for. As you're reading this post, I'm probably at Rosenblatt staring at a drenched Erin Andrews. I have a camera, so will send pictures.

Big ups to Shaun for finding an absolutely terrible pic of Erin Andrews. No idea why she's apparently holding a bottle of hair spray on what appears to be the sideline of a Wisconsin Basketball game. A+ Shaun.

For our eyes and ears at Rosenblatt, here's a breakdown by school of famous alumni. I doubt any of these people will actually be there but you never know... (some of these people might be dead, not my fault)
Clemson: Strom Thurmond, Dwight Clark, Kris Benson, Khalil Greene, Fatt LeCroix
GaTech: Jimmy Carter, Jeff Foxworthy, David Duvall, Mark Price, Kevin Brown, Nomar, Mark Tex, Jason Varitek
Fullerton: Kevin Costner, Gwen Stefani, Chad Cordero, Aaron Rowand, Phil Nevin, Mark Kotsay
UNC: Dan Cortese, Lewis Black, Dre Bly, BJ Surhoff, Walt Weiss
Rice: Alberto Gonzalez, Howard Hughes, Lance Berkman, Norm Charlton, Jose Cruz
Georgia: Kim Basinger, Ryan Seacrest, Michael Stipe, Goldberg, Fran Tarkenton, Chip Caray
THE Oregon State University: Gary Payton, A.C. Green, Ken Forsch, Steve Lyons, Brent Barry, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Steven Jackson
Miami: Dwayne Johnson ("The Rock"), Sly Stallone, Bruce Hornsby, Ray Liotta, Gloria Estefan, Pat Burrell, Danny Graves, a bunch of football players

and Big Head, send me your email address so I can add you as a contributor.

3. (Jeff--LA/Anaheim/Orange Co.) How much is membership into the Ramon Martinez Club?

By the Ramon Martinez Club, I assume you mean the "My Younger Brother is a Better Ballplayer Than Me Club" and I think you've already gained admission with your brother going 4-0 to start his career. Other members of this club are Ken Brett, Mike Maddux, Sandy Alomar, Ken Forsch, JD Drew, and Paul Reuschel, among others. It's a pretty exclusive club so you should be proud to be in it. Your membership card is in the mail.

4. (Josh--The Bar) I don't own Jake Peavy this year, so I technically don't care about the answer to this question: What's wrong with Jake? Is he sucking on purpose because he knows I didn't draft him...twice? He hasn't returned my phone calls, emails, text messages, e-cards, happy-grams, tear filled letters, sky written messages, shouts, the little card that comes with each dozen roses, myspace messages, myspace "private" messages, ads in the USA Today, my ear (thanks for the idea Van Gough), barber shop quartet singing happy-grams, or even acknowledged the fan websites that I've created for him--regular version and adults only version. Do you think he's ducking me?

Josh, I believe that Jakey is suffering from the syndrome known as "Being-on-my-fantasy-team-its." I own him in both leagues, told him before the season started that I didn't really like him, that he's no Roy Oswalt, that he couldn't carry Pedro Martinez' jock, and that he'd better produce or I will murder the entire city of San Diego as pennance for his transgressions. Looking back, I guess my motivational tactics were not as well recieved as I had hoped. I think he needs a change of scenery so this is your chance to trade for him in both leagues. He is available and I know you're interested. I don't think he's ducking you Josh. He told me himself that he was very hurt when you didn't draft him and that he's not sure he can forgive you, but he's willing to try.

5. (Everyone) Dean Dennis Bohnenkamp will be sorely missed Tony. He passed away too soon, and we miss him already. He was a huge influence on all those who ever met him, even for a brief moment. Didn't matter if you had him as a teacher, every exchange with him put a smile on your face. Thanks for your wit and, of course, wisdom Dean Bohnenkamp.

Godspeed, D-Bohn.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

My Retirement

Hello everyone, thank you for attending today's announcement. Unfortunately I am calling it quits after a year and two months in the marketing industry. It was a difficult decision, but I am taking my wisdom and experience to the next level--

Pride Fighting.

I am going to need your help though. I don't plan on being a very good Pride Fighter. My goal is to come up with the best entrance in history. Akihiro Gouno is the current champion of entrances:





If you know any good dance moves, give me a call. Thank you.

Rumpelstiltzskin?

Sandwich here with a great story before I hit the road for Bonnaroo. In this day and age man is driven by many things: desire, poonany, chicken wings, and of course alcohol. This story involves the latter.

The World Cup of Soccer is happening, right now....today....somewhere....seriously. I, like most Americans, don't care and cannot watch soccer for more than 2 minutes because it's SO FUCKING BORING. Anyway, I just read that Trinidad and Tobago play England tomorrow AND if T&T beat the Brits, all 23 players and their coach will each receive a barrel of specially aged rum! That's right, 64 gallons of the rumpelstiltzskin to do whatever you want. I personally would get buck-ass nekid, jump in, and pickle myself for about an hour. Upon reading this article, Bertflex.com's own, Malt Liqourman is boarding a plane for Nuremberg, where the match is to be played.


Jah (after taking 14 smoke breaks from the parking lot to the field) - "I'm a quarter Trinidad and an eighth Tobago-ish. You must let me play! For God sakes man, 64 gallons of rum would last me 8 hours!"

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions this week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

This week's badass picture of Tony Pellegrino comes from our friends at illini-hockey.com. Do you notice the ketchup stain at the top of the "I"...because I do.

Dammit Shaun, it's not a ketchup stain, it's an autograph from Illini goalie and league MVP Tim Danlow. True story: Danlow was stretching before a game and as I walked by he stopped his prep and said "Hey Headbanger, good to see you. I've been a fan of your work for years. " This guy is the best player in college club hockey and he's praising me for acting like a complete dick in front of 2,000 people. That's just a part of my legacy, folks.

Tony was in vintage form on Monday night; after seeing Ray Whitney of the Carolina Hurricanes on the ice, he stated, "Ray Whitney?? He's still in the league--he is so old!"

Ray Whitney scored two goals, the first nearly immediately after that statement was made. (Cue Keith Jackson voice) And so the legend continues...

1. (Thomas--Tha 'Natty, OH) In a heads up league, I drafted Dontrelle Willis, Andy Pettitte, and Felix Hernandez to lead my staff, and they are all pitching very "shitty" as you say. Is there any chance of getting someone to trade me something decent for any of these three? If yes, what type caliber player should I expect or go after? If no, which one of them is the least "shitty"?

Also, I'm sure you get this all the time, but I'm a huge fan and have blown up each of your badass pictures into posters. They now form a huge collage in my bathroom. Thanks again, your #1 fan, Thomas.

I can see Pettite having value to someone this year once Clemens comes back so you might get something for him. Willis would probably draw some speculation interest but you won't be getting value for him. If you can afford it, I'd keep Willis and try and move Pettite. Felix just won't contribute this season.

Yes I do get that all the time. We've actually had so many requests for poster-size pictures from Who's Shitty that we're thinking about starting an online store. I can't decide whether to be creeped out or intrigued by the fact that your fiancee drops deuces while looking at all my awesome pictures. Sorry Beth.

2. (Cat--Austin, TX) Tony, I've got a lot of time on my hands now. Has anyone ever told you that in fact, YOU are the one who is "Shitty?" Thanks.

Cat, thank you for officially killing my "man crush" on you only 48 hours after I was inspired enough by your "greatness" to write an article about you. You went 38-2 while no one was watching, but when you were placed squarely in the the spotlight of the BertFlex Universe, you choked worse than the 2004 Yankees. Sorry, I don't have man crushes on losers and you came up lame when it mattered most. Congratulations, you and I both graduated from college with the same number of national championships, which also happens to be the same number of times Josh has run a four minute mile or turned down malt liquor, zero.
You're lucky I'm even answering your question. To think, less than a week ago I was planning a pilgrimage to watch you pitch in the pros this summer. How stupid of me to think that you felt the same way. Not only was I willing to follow women's college softball for you, but I actually cleared my schedule to make sure I was available to watch you in the championship series. I feel hurt and betrayed, Cat, and I don't know that I can forgive that. I thought you were special. I tried with you, I really did, and you let me down. I know it'll be hard for both of us, but this has to be "goodbye."
P.S. - I see that you and Jenny Finch still hang out. You oughta give her my number when you see her next. I hear she has a thing for slow-pitch pitchers.

3. (Howie--NYC) I have opened another briefcase for you Tony. Case #5 contains "Rocco Baldelli." Tony, in a one-year league...my question is this...Shitty or Not Shitty?

Well, the Rays just sent out Joey Gathright so Rocco's Modern Life will be playing every night in Tampa. Before his injuries, he was very solid (.284/.325/.424) and there's no reason to think he'll drop off much due to his injuries. That said, he'll likely be a slow starter since it's been almost two full calendar years since he's seen a major league field. If you have the roster space, he'd be a great speculation grab and may contribute in the second half. If you're counting on him to save your season, you're probably screwed anyway. Not Shitty.

4. (Big Head--Omaha) Give me some names in the Cards farm system to look forward to other than Reyes and Duncan. I did see Alan Benes and John Reidling when they played in Omaha. Give me some real prospects!

Good news, you get to see Alan Benes again! You also get to see Brian Daubauch, Junior Spivey, John Gall, Skip Schumaker, Dennis Tankersley, and Carmen Cali. Oh wait, you asked for PROSPECTS. Sorry bro, can't help you there. There are only 6 players on the Memphis roster younger than me. To put that in perspective, Bert is only 3 months older than me. Of our top 10 prospects (listed below), only two are in AAA, Reyes and Travis Hanson. Other than that, you'll be waiting a while. You're better off going to Rosenblatt and watching the CWS.

Cardinals Top 10 Prospects from Baseball America

1. Anthony Reyes, rhp (AAA)
2. Colby Rasmus, of (Low-A)
3. Tyler Greene, ss (High-A)
4. Chris Lambert, rhp (AA)
5. Mark McCormick, rhp (Low-A DL)
6. Adam Wainwright, rhp (MLB)
7. Travis Hanson, 3b (AAA)
8. Cody Haerther, of (AA)
9. Nick Webber, rhp (High-A)
10. Stuart Pomeranz, rhp (AA)

5. (Italian Shaun--Hazelwood) Antonio! We need to watcha the futbol togethah, we need to call Don Francesco and Vito, leave mama with little Luigi, and eat some ravioli and tortolini. Viva Italia! Ciao!

Fantastico! I'll calla Vinny and ve'll geta the families togethah anda watcha the Italia-America matcha next zaturday.

For those not versed on what teams you should root for and against in the World Cup, here is how you decide:
First off, you root for your country of decent (for me, Italia).
Next, root against Iran since we're going to bomb them next.
Democrats & socialist hippies root FOR... Republicans & flag-waiving war-mongers root AGAINST:
France, Spain, Mexico, Saudi Arabia
Yankee fans, root for Brazil
Cubs fans, root for America
Cards fans, root for Germany

USA Schedule
June 12, Noon ET: versus Czech Republic
June 17, 3 p.m. ET: versus Italy
June 22, 10 a.m. ET versus Ghana

Italy Schedule
June 12, 3 p.m. ET: versus Ghana
June 17, 3 p.m. ET: versus United States
June 22, 10 a.m. ET: versus Czech Republic

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions this week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Just like our friends at Yahoo Sports, here is a badass picture of two members of this site doing their best "Likes To Fight Guy" impersonation. We'll let it slide today, but next time you need to buy your ticket to the Gun Show before looking at this picture.

Let's get to the questions...

1. (Roger--Houston, TX) Don't you wish you were me?

Let's see... I'm going to list facts about my pitching this season and compare them to your situation.

• I'm already 3-0, you don't pitch for a month
• My team's winning percentage is .667, yours is .500
• I'm hitting .625, you'll never hit .250
• My team has a better chance to make the playoffs than yours
• I never have to go on the road with my team
• Albert Pujols doesn't play in my league so he only has a 2% chance of eating my soul, just ask Brad Lidge about how that feels
• I'm undefeated in my All-Star Game appearances

So, Jerkface, I think the facts above speak for themselves. I mean seriously, just look at the picture above. I'm just better than you.

2. (Jeremy--the STL) Todd Coffey, Jorge Julio, Kenny Ray...this closer-go-round is killing me! Who is the real deal? Who should I pick up?

Dude, those guys all suck and none of them are going to help you that much in saves to compensate for what the rest of their numbers do to you. The only one who is remotely a "good pitcher" is Coffey. He's been solid in the Reds setup role and could grab maybe 20 saves the rest of the way if the Reds hang around a while. If you look back to previous "Who's Shitty"s, I told you a month ago to go get Coffey but you didn't listen. I listened to my own awesome advice and now I have the Reds closer-of-the-moment and you don't.

3. (Howie--NYC) Tony, I have opened three briefcases to see what young pitchers I'm going to ask you about. All are in my free agent pool: Zack Duke, Jered Weaver, and Cole Hamels. Tony...my question is this...Shitty or Not Shitty?

After my expert analysis, I think Zack Duke is officially SHITTY. I hate to say it because I liked the kid last year but he's shown me nothing this season. He supposedly has a problem concentrating on the mound so the Pirates need to put him on Ridalin or something.

I like Weaver alot (picked him up in one of my leagues) and think he could be pretty good in the coming years. I don't know how much he'll contribute this year but as the Angels keep falling, he'll get a shot. He's ready now but I doubt he'll dominate consistantly this season. He'll be better than his brother but that's not hard. I personally think Jeff Weaver is a bit of a headcase so hopefully Jered has a better head on his shoulders.

Hamels is supposed to be the real deal but Philly rushed him through the system too quickly this season. He should just now be getting the call to AAA instead of the Phils. Rumor has it that he was the centerpiece in a trade for Dontrelle and they rushed Hamels to the majors to showcase him, now he's hurt. Once he comes back, he'll get you K's but probably not much else. Philly has Madsen and Gavin on the staff and, though Hamels is better than them, they've been up longer and actually give them a better chance to win games this season.

4. (Big Head--Omaha, CWS) Tony, living in Omaha, everyone is hyped about the College World Series to start today. What teams do you see advancing to Omaha from each super-regional?

Here are my Super-Regional matchups, with those advancing to Omaha marked with asterisks:

• Clemson* v. Oklahoma St
• GaTech* v. Notre Dame
• Fullerton* v. Pepperdine
• North Carolina* v. SoMiss
• Rice* v. Oklahoma
• Georgia* v. Evansville
• Tulane* v. Miami
• Texas* v. Oregon St

I encourage everyone who reads this site to watch as much college baseball as you can over the next couple of weeks. The college game is vastly underrated nationally but the College World Series is a great event. Next year, there will be a pilgrimage made to Omaha. Mark your calendars now.

5. (Stanley--Edmonton or Raleigh) Remember me? I'm still around even though I'm hard to find on your TV sets. Tony, where will I be residing in a couple weeks?

How the mighty have fallen. Edmonton? Raleigh? I can only name two players on these teams combined, and that's because they happen to be recent ex-Blues. The only thing that could have saved the playoffs this year was a run by one or two of the "Original Six" franchises. All these teams with no history or such a small population that no one identifies with them have really hurt out-of-market support for the league. Sure, the Oilers have history and it would be a great story to see them reclaim the Cup. Sadly, that hasn't been enough to generate bandwagon interest.

If Carolina was still Hartford, this would be one of the most watched finals in recent memory. Instead, the Stanley Cup Finals will have to battle to draw a better share than regular season WNBA games and the Women's College World Series (CAT OSTERMAN!). I personally blame the rules changes and the Blues being awful for the reasons I didn't follow hockey AT ALL this year. I also think alot of us learned that we can live without it during the lockout and, while it's nice to have it back, it's not a part of my life like it was before the strike. I used to watch 50-60 Blues games a year and probably another 10 out-of-market games on ESPN, plus another 15 during the playoffs. I've watch a grand total of 5 games this season. 5. 1 less than the number of University of Illinois hockey games I attended this season. The point of this rant is: Hockey, you're SHITTY.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Jacked Up!

New signs are being installed around the outfield fence in the Bronx...
"WARNING: ENTERING STANDS WHILE WEARING GREY MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH"

Poor Josh my ass...

Poor Josh my ass... here's a picture of him and I w/ gratitutous underage drinking in case he really felt bad. I highly doubt it though. Love you guys!!!

Whoa-Man Crush?

A term that is gaining momentum in popular culture is the "Man Crush". Most guys I know, at least those who follow sports, have a man crush on some athlete and I'm no exception. I've had a man crush on Roy Oswalt for years now. Josh's want for a torrid non-affair with Jake Peavy has been well documented and ridiculed by most of his "friends". I think Shaun is developing feelings for David Wright this season. As modern guys, we've been able to talk about (read: berate each other about) our unhealthy fascination with our chosen ballplayers and I'm sure we're all a little more comfortable about it now. However, over the last week I've been developing a new crush that may take everything to a whole new level. I'm almost afraid to post this in case Roy somehow finds out that I've moved on. My new man crush is on...

Cat Osterman. That's right, I have a man crush on a chick. If you were watching the Women's College World Series you would too. Against Arizona State on June 1st, Cat set a WCWS record by striking out 18 hitters in a 7 inning one hitter. Oh yeah, she also did the same thing twice during the Regional round of the WCWS. Her line so far in the WCWS: 6 Games, 41 IP, 0 ER, 97 K, 10 H. Her season numbers: 38-2, 0.35, 273 IP, 608 K, 72 H, 14 ER Her career numbers: 136-23, 0.49, 1092 IP, 2243 K, 342 H, 77 ER 20 No-hitters, 10 Perfect Games, All-time K leader, 3 time Player of the Year.

This photo was Cat's reaction to finding out that she is my new man crush... or not.

She takes the circle again tonight at 6pm tonight against Arizona on ESPN2. Assuming her Longhorns make it to the finals, those games will be Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at 7pm on ESPN2.