Early Entry

I have decided a change of careers is necessary. I have decided to enter my name in the 2007 NBA Draft. I have already faxed my paperwork to the league office, so there is no turning back now. I realize that it is very early, especially since the '06 draft just completed, and I haven't played organized roundball since starting on North Middle School's 8th grade team at the point. That just means that I am fresh. Lets breakdown the stats...

Height: 5' 6"
Weight: 185lbs (some muscle, some King Cobra 40's)
Age: 24
Race: White
School: Western Illinois University
Frame: Doughy on some parts
Wingspan: 5' 10"
Verticle: 13.75 inches
Illigitament Kids: None that he knows of
Brush with law: Taken to Danville, IL police station in July 2004 after taking a dump in a Pepsi machine.
Tangibles: Hasn't played in a long time, so is probably due to hit a bucket or two. Great headfake at the free-throw line for no reason at all. Honed game with many games of 'Jumpball' at Justin's house (can shoot on the run). Calls 'bank' and whines for his 'change' if he scores. Can wear a headband with the best of them.

When ESPN analyst Jay Bilas heard of my entry, he took time out of his hectic late June schedule to issue his own analysis.

"Matt Thiel is an intriguing prospect. He told me that he has a 3rd round guarantee from a team. I told him there were only two rounds in the draft, but he had zoned out and was flexing in his bathroom mirror. Thiel reminds me of three players combined into one- Mugsy Boges, Oliver Miller, and Matt Bullard, but without the shot. Throws a mean headfake at the free-throw line, but usually fakes himself out into crossing the line. Also a magician at fouling and throwing elbows. Did have one basketball scholarship offer, but was turned down since it was an all-girls private college. At 24, is an older prospect with more experiences. 'Mature' doesn't describe him."

The only team I have heard from is the NY Knicks, and they promised me a pick if I was still around in the 3rd round. Thanks Isiah! I will be holding public workouts at the YMCA in downtown Omaha. Welcome to the Gun Show ladies.

Groupies? YES!!


Anonymous said...

nice cameo appearance by randy marsh in the background.

Anonymous said...

I'm kind of surprised there hasn't been a post about my brush with the law.

sir said...

You expect us to be impressed with "taking a dump in a Pepsi machine." Around here we call that "Tuesday night."

Anonymous said...

Was at my best friend in college's wedding. I was playing wingman until that point for another buddy.

Dallas J. Hawk said...

For that you must wear the poop hat!