6.09.2006

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions this week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

This week's badass picture of Tony Pellegrino comes from our friends at illini-hockey.com. Do you notice the ketchup stain at the top of the "I"...because I do.

Dammit Shaun, it's not a ketchup stain, it's an autograph from Illini goalie and league MVP Tim Danlow. True story: Danlow was stretching before a game and as I walked by he stopped his prep and said "Hey Headbanger, good to see you. I've been a fan of your work for years. " This guy is the best player in college club hockey and he's praising me for acting like a complete dick in front of 2,000 people. That's just a part of my legacy, folks.

Tony was in vintage form on Monday night; after seeing Ray Whitney of the Carolina Hurricanes on the ice, he stated, "Ray Whitney?? He's still in the league--he is so old!"

Ray Whitney scored two goals, the first nearly immediately after that statement was made. (Cue Keith Jackson voice) And so the legend continues...

1. (Thomas--Tha 'Natty, OH) In a heads up league, I drafted Dontrelle Willis, Andy Pettitte, and Felix Hernandez to lead my staff, and they are all pitching very "shitty" as you say. Is there any chance of getting someone to trade me something decent for any of these three? If yes, what type caliber player should I expect or go after? If no, which one of them is the least "shitty"?

Also, I'm sure you get this all the time, but I'm a huge fan and have blown up each of your badass pictures into posters. They now form a huge collage in my bathroom. Thanks again, your #1 fan, Thomas.

I can see Pettite having value to someone this year once Clemens comes back so you might get something for him. Willis would probably draw some speculation interest but you won't be getting value for him. If you can afford it, I'd keep Willis and try and move Pettite. Felix just won't contribute this season.

Yes I do get that all the time. We've actually had so many requests for poster-size pictures from Who's Shitty that we're thinking about starting an online store. I can't decide whether to be creeped out or intrigued by the fact that your fiancee drops deuces while looking at all my awesome pictures. Sorry Beth.

2. (Cat--Austin, TX) Tony, I've got a lot of time on my hands now. Has anyone ever told you that in fact, YOU are the one who is "Shitty?" Thanks.

Cat, thank you for officially killing my "man crush" on you only 48 hours after I was inspired enough by your "greatness" to write an article about you. You went 38-2 while no one was watching, but when you were placed squarely in the the spotlight of the BertFlex Universe, you choked worse than the 2004 Yankees. Sorry, I don't have man crushes on losers and you came up lame when it mattered most. Congratulations, you and I both graduated from college with the same number of national championships, which also happens to be the same number of times Josh has run a four minute mile or turned down malt liquor, zero.
You're lucky I'm even answering your question. To think, less than a week ago I was planning a pilgrimage to watch you pitch in the pros this summer. How stupid of me to think that you felt the same way. Not only was I willing to follow women's college softball for you, but I actually cleared my schedule to make sure I was available to watch you in the championship series. I feel hurt and betrayed, Cat, and I don't know that I can forgive that. I thought you were special. I tried with you, I really did, and you let me down. I know it'll be hard for both of us, but this has to be "goodbye."
P.S. - I see that you and Jenny Finch still hang out. You oughta give her my number when you see her next. I hear she has a thing for slow-pitch pitchers.

3. (Howie--NYC) I have opened another briefcase for you Tony. Case #5 contains "Rocco Baldelli." Tony, in a one-year league...my question is this...Shitty or Not Shitty?

Well, the Rays just sent out Joey Gathright so Rocco's Modern Life will be playing every night in Tampa. Before his injuries, he was very solid (.284/.325/.424) and there's no reason to think he'll drop off much due to his injuries. That said, he'll likely be a slow starter since it's been almost two full calendar years since he's seen a major league field. If you have the roster space, he'd be a great speculation grab and may contribute in the second half. If you're counting on him to save your season, you're probably screwed anyway. Not Shitty.

4. (Big Head--Omaha) Give me some names in the Cards farm system to look forward to other than Reyes and Duncan. I did see Alan Benes and John Reidling when they played in Omaha. Give me some real prospects!

Good news, you get to see Alan Benes again! You also get to see Brian Daubauch, Junior Spivey, John Gall, Skip Schumaker, Dennis Tankersley, and Carmen Cali. Oh wait, you asked for PROSPECTS. Sorry bro, can't help you there. There are only 6 players on the Memphis roster younger than me. To put that in perspective, Bert is only 3 months older than me. Of our top 10 prospects (listed below), only two are in AAA, Reyes and Travis Hanson. Other than that, you'll be waiting a while. You're better off going to Rosenblatt and watching the CWS.

Cardinals Top 10 Prospects from Baseball America

  1. Anthony Reyes, rhp (AAA)
  2. Colby Rasmus, of (Low-A)
  3. Tyler Greene, ss (High-A)
  4. Chris Lambert, rhp (AA)
  5. Mark McCormick, rhp (Low-A DL)
  6. Adam Wainwright, rhp (MLB)
  7. Travis Hanson, 3b (AAA)
  8. Cody Haerther, of (AA)
  9. Nick Webber, rhp (High-A)
  10. Stuart Pomeranz, rhp (AA)

5. (Italian Shaun--Hazelwood) Antonio! We need to watcha the futbol togethah, we need to call Don Francesco and Vito, leave mama with little Luigi, and eat some ravioli and tortolini. Viva Italia! Ciao!

Fantastico! I'll calla Vinny and ve'll geta the families togethah anda watcha the Italia-America matcha next zaturday.

For those not versed on what teams you should root for and against in the World Cup, here is how you decide:
First off, you root for your country of decent (for me, Italia).
Next, root against Iran since we're going to bomb them next.
Democrats & socialist hippies root FOR... Republicans & flag-waiving war-mongers root AGAINST:
France, Spain, Mexico, Saudi Arabia
Yankee fans, root for Brazil
Cubs fans, root for America
Cards fans, root for Germany

USA Schedule
June 12, Noon ET: versus
Czech Republic
June 17, 3 p.m. ET: versus
Italy
June 22, 10 a.m. ET versus
Ghana

Italy Schedule
June 12, 3 p.m. ET: versus
Ghana
June 17, 3 p.m. ET: versus
United States
June 22, 10 a.m. ET: versus
Czech Republic

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

2 comments:

hazelwood's most wanted said...

props to me for finding that nice pic of catherine and jennifer. i still like you girls, ignore what tony has to say.

also, "i've been a fan of your work for years" is something you say to artists, plastic surgeons, and porn stars. not degenerate hockey fans. but that is a great line nonetheless, especially when said to tony.

Big Head said...

(Boomer) Dennis Tankersley from...

(Tom Jackson) Fort Zumwalt!

Tankersley was also part of the famed '05 O-Royals team. You have to suck to get cut from a franchise with such a great pro team as the Royals.