The 2006 bertflex.com Fantasy Football Kit!

Hello everyone, welcome to the 2006 Fantasy Football Kit--we have everything you need to win your football league this season! You are only 5 easy steps away from pounding your opponents on a weekly basis, and hopefully winning a lot of money (be sure to share the wealth with your homies).

The best part is: this is free! We are doing this as a service to you, because you probably don't want to waste your money buying espn's Insider, the Sporting News' Fantasy Source, or lay down 7 bucks for one of those silly fantasy magazines that jerks like me could have put together in a couple days.

Spend your money on more useful magazines...I'll leave that up to you to interpret the word "useful."

So here goes, keep this information handy when participating in your draft over the next couple weeks:

1.) Print out a bunch of information using your company's printer paper
Work is work...but there are times when being at work comes in handy--they always have plenty of computer paper. Use this to print up any type of football information you want. I always go with a ranking list of the best players and someone else's mock draft. Side note tip: you are not as smart as the guys who get paid to write about fantasy sports. Trust them, not you. Also print out some stats from last year in case you want to compare one player to another. Print out a season schedule too so you know when each team has bye weeks.

2.) Steal a gay highlighter from work, too
Highlighters don't come in very many "manly" colors, so suck it up and go with pink for your draft. When picks are made, highlight that guy's name on one of your sheets listed in tip #1. Plus you take a chance that one of the other team owners will mock you for having a pink highlighter, possibly distracting him during the draft. If he slips and takes Curtis Martin in the 5th round, now who's the dumbass?

3.) Booze/Food
How will you be able to concentrate on an empty stomach? More importantly, how will you be able to cope with having Fred Taylor as your 2nd running back? Be sure to stock up on a bunch of food, preferably something greasy and/or deep fried. The draft is going to take a while, so be comfortable, and lenient on that belt, fatboy. And the amount of booze is your choice. If for some reason you do end up with Fred Taylor, I'd suggest a ridiculous amount of alcohol--quickly!

4.) Draft attire
If no one makes fun of you for a gay highlighter, your wardrobe is another key component of getting inside your opposition's head. Do you go with a plain old t-shirt? No that doesn't get anyone's attention. Jerome Bettis #36 Rams jersey? Now we're talking. The scrubby shirt you just cut the grass in might work, but most people will just turn away from you and ignore the smell. However, the glow off a Ricky Watters Seahawks jersey cannot be avoided, no matter where you are located in the room. Plan B: If you're real desperate, go with the "just out of jail" look. Handcuff on one of your wrists and a teardrop tattoo under your right eye. A lot of good picks could fall into your lap if you threaten to kill someone's grandma. Write that down.

Dear kid, what were you thinking?
Best wishes, Ricky Watters

5.) Talk some shit and bring "Ha Ha" guy with you

Smack talk is always encouraged, and you get better with practice. Not all one liners will be winners, but lay it on your opponents early and often. Be sure to back that up by not making stupid decisions on your own. An alternative to vocally speaking smack is by using "Ha Ha" guy as a silent weapon. What the hell is "Ha Ha" guy you ask? Go to www.hetemeel.com/hahaform.php and type in your own smack. Print that out and hold it up to your opponent's face every time they make a dumb pick. 100% of the time...it works every time.

There you have it--everything you need to know to dominate your draft this year. Good luck!

(unless you are playing against me)


Anonymous said...

I used to have a shirt from when the Rams first came to St. Louis (before they could put the Rams' name/logo on anything) that had the trifecta of Sean Gilbert, Jackie Slater, and Jerome Bettis on it. I might be able to find that. I also had a St. Louis Stallions t-shirt when they were supposed to be the expansion team. Doesn't say St. Louis on it, but it's just a ginomous horse head. Looks like the Broncos logo now.

If I could find and still fit in them, that'd be sick.

big sandwich said...

That Ricky Watters jersey is sweet!