Cue that annoying music

As the Harlem Globetrotters go for win 22,000 tonight in Hartford, another team is looking for a milestone win in their short history. The New York Nationals will attempt to win their first game ever. Louis "Red" Klotz, the owner and manager of the Nationals, has been squaring off against the Globetrotters for over 50 years, he was also a player and a coach of the now disbanded Washington Generals who had an impressive record of 1 and 13,000+ agianst Harlems finest. "I had the winning shot against those mother fuckers in '71, we thought the drought was over, but we never won a game after that" exclaimed a clearly drunk Klotz. He folded the Generals in '95 to start a promising young team called the New York Nationals who have underwhelmed audiences with their "conventional" style of play. "We don't bounce balls off our head or throw buckets of confetti on people, that shit is gay" explains Nationals PF Tarvis McGlore "we play ball like your 'sposed to, one of these days we'll beat those ass-clowns and bring some respect back to exhibition basketball."





No wonder the Nationals have a hard time scoring.







Fan favorite Eugene Edgerson, of the Globetrotters, explained to me why they have had so much success against the Nationals. "Basically, they suck" Eugene told me, then after we laughed for a few minutes he said, "we know what they're gonna throw at us, we've played them almost every day for the past ten years."


Fun Globetrotter Facts:

*Some folks who have played for the Globetrotters - Wilt Chamberlain, Bob Gibson, and former Kansas Jayhawks star Michael Lee.






Lee - "The Globetrotters offered me 10 bucks to play for them, and I took it!"






*Besides their famous appearances on Scooby Doo, the Globetrotters had their own animated show for one year on CBS in the seventies, with unforgetable episodes such as: Hold that Hillbilly, Pardon My Magic, and Granny's Royal Ruckus.

*officially the Globetrotters have 344 loses, all but one have been handed out by Chuck Norris.






"Is Curly Neal gonna have to smack a bitch?!"

Blech... I Feel Like Bode Miller

Tonight, I feel like Bode Miller. "I just did it my way. I'm not a martyr, and I'm not a do-gooder. I just want to go out and rock. And man, I rocked here." I know he says he did the 2006 Olympics "his way". I like Bode's way-- I want to look back on my whole life and say I did it "my way". I want to be an underachiever and still have people appreciate me for it. Personally, I kind of think Bode's a shit-pile and for all the hype he could have won at least one friggin' medal, but whatever. I think "my way" would have included 5 gold medals. That's just me....

For all of you wondering where I have been (OK, Shaun, and maybe Tony, and MAYBE, if he's picked his head up out of his waffles, Josh), I've been camped out up here in Madison under 10 inches of snow. That might not sound like a lot, but it kind of is, especially since we got it in 12 hours. If it's enough to close the schools here, it's a lot. We have a 1:1 ratio of snowplows to people and they still couldn't keep up with it. So, I didn't make it down to STL for my birthday. I would love to come down for "the weekend" but I will be in sunny Southern California helping my sister evaluate the LA area for living. It's a rough life, being a student, what can I say! So, hopefully I will see you guys sometime in the next few months. I hope you all had an awesome Mardi Gras. I miss you, and long live Teams Ramrod & BYOB!

Blech!

For those of us who love nasty jerseys, here's one worn by the Milwaukee Admirals minor league hockey team. I can only imagine that Ann Bermer had something to do with the designing of these historically bad uniforms.

2006 Cardinals Preview

It's that time of the year again--spring training is upon us! I know everyone on staff here at bertflex.com is pumped about the 2006 season for the St. Louis Cardinals (with the exception of one unlucky Cubs fan). This is also the time of year that many sports publications like to preview the Majors with their "Top 10 Questions for the Upcoming Season." ESPN does it, Sports Illustrated too. The Post-Dispatch always has a complete baseball preview with many pages dedicated to the Cardinals.

And like clockwork, they print their "Top 10 Questions" list every year around this time. But the writers and sports editors have been neglecting tons of other questions throughout the years. That's why we are here--to address the second set of important issues facing the Cardinals.

I bring to you Questions #11-20 for the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals:

11. How many people will die over tickets this year?
You all know by now that this is the first season in the new Busch Stadium. Tickets to pretty much every game this year will be hard to come by unless you are lucky enough to buy them the first day they go on sale. Since demand will be so high, I predict that stabbings and ass-beatings will be at an all time high as well. If you have tickets, it is recommended that you don't tell anyone and carry mace with you at all times.

12. Will David Eckstein change his batting music?
Last season he used Ludacris' #1 Spot and one would assume he had no say in this. Will Little Davey keep it thuggin' for another year? I hope so. I'm guessing he'll go with something by Lil' Scrappy (because of Eckstein's style of play) or Mike Jones ("back then Jayson Stark didn't like me, now I'm hot, he all on me.") But if he really wanted impress, he'd go with Matisyahu (those Jewish guys gotta stick together).

13. When will Anthony Reyes fix the straight brim on his cap?
Never.


Why mess with perfection?









14. Why do we have Gary Bennett?
I know the backup catcher role isn't very important. But it's Gary Bennett. Sadly enough this is a tremendous upgrade from Cody McKay and Einar Diaz. For those with a bad memory, Gary Bennett is marginally famous for starting a brawl with Albert Pujols and the Cardinals a couple years ago. My suggestion to iron the situation out: Day 1 of spring training, Albert gives Bennett a list of high class restaurants. He is to take Albert and his family to dinner, wait in the car, and pay for it every night until all is forgiven. Probably somewhere around October, when Bennett's one year deal is up.

15. Will bertflex.com be a sponsor at the new Busch?
It appears that every company in St. Louis will be a sponsor in one way or another and we are no different. I'd like to announce that this site has bought the rights to be the official sponsor of the John Mabry standing ovation when he returns to St. Louis as a member of the Cubs. Our predictions show that "Mayberry" will pinch hit in the 8th inning on Saturday April 22nd. This was the cheapest form of advertising the Cardinals had to offer, but definitely worth the 100 grand that we paid for it!

16. Is Mark Mulder the Doug Weight of baseball?
Great in the regular season, but turns into Jose DeLeon in the postseason. I'd hate to rile up Cardinal Nation, but after pitching a couple lackluster games in the NLCS...I'm just saying...

17. What will be the best "old lady" complaint this year?
Last year there was a real pissed off old lady who had a complaint published in the Post-Dispatch's Sound Off, and was reported to have sent multiple emails to Tim McKernan on KFNS about one highly important problem: Albert Pujols' black undershirt. In case you've never noticed, the shirt he wears under his jersey is black, and not red like his teammates. Obviously this is a problem because of Pujols' mediocre career so far, as well as the distraction in the clubhouse that it brings. We might as well have Terrell Owens playing first base. I'm not sure what Pujols the troublemaker is thinking, but the old lady has a great point.


Cheer up Mrs. Cowher





18. What is served on tap inside the clubhouse?
Wait, only one person wants to know that...

19. How will WB 11 viewers respond to the new and improved Ricky Horton?
A 2005 survey showed that the former Cardinal reliever is the most informative, most entertaining, and overall best announcer in Major League Baseball. Unfortunately the survey was only given to 4th graders around the St. Louis area. But will their feelings change after Horton reveals his new attitude during the first week of the new season? Since November 6, 2005, Ricky Horton has been locked in his basement listening to tapes of Jim Rome. He has since turned into a smack talking, no-nonsense, get-to-the-point badass announcer. His new edgy material and perfectly trimmed goatee might be too much for his fans early on in the year, but I think they'll adapt and appreciate his "epic" takes that "won't suck."



PHENOMENAL goatee Horton!














20. How long will it take Tony Pellegrino to get pissed and predict a 4th place finish?
This happens every year, whether the team is playing well or not. It is like an annual ritual. I'm guessing this year it will happen somewhere around late April, again in June, and once more in late August when the Cardinals are 16 games ahead of the second place Astros.

THE WEEKEND

Consider this your Official Notice for THE WEEKEND. On March 16-19, my condo will be the site of the greatest sports-related weekend in the history of man. Officially, it is the first in-person fantasy baseball draft we've ever held. Unofficially, it is an action-packed sports-a-thon featuring:

• First & Second round of the NCAA Basketball Tournament
• The Semifinals of the World Baseball Classic
• Nightly cash King of the Hill tournaments in the gameroom (foosball, pop-a-shot, RBI baseball)
• Stump the Schwab-Lite (could be team format depending on attendance)
• EA's NCAA Baseball 2006 on the PS2
• Degenerate gambling
• Backyard wiffleball
• Mad shit-talkin'
• Mad food
• Last but not least... that's right I said it, a keg

Assemble your crew, Charlie Murphy. Doors are at 7pm Wednesday March 15th and will be continuously open until approx 2am Monday March 20th. Make your reservations now.

FINE PRINT
League members, let me know what times you are planning on attending on Saturday and Sunday so that we can get a time for the draft in place ASAP.
For those coming from out of town, let me know what I can do to make your life easier. York has already requested a pickup and drop off at the airport so if you need a pickup, let me know
THE WEEKEND is open to invited friends of league members as well but be sure that the person who invited you is there to vouch for you. Exception: If I don't know you or don't like you, I have veto power (This is called the "Woodman Rule").

ULTRA-FINE PRINT
Small set of rules for this event (to ensure that my condo will not be declared a Disaster Area on monday morning)

1. Puking anywhere besides the toilet, bathroom sink or bathtub will result in a severe ass-beating my myself and Shaun "The Hammer" Kennedy.


2. You have 10 minutes to clean any vomit-related residue in and around the designated areas. Failure to comply = ass-beating.


3. Out of town guests of the league (York, Marlon, Randy, Brendan) have first dibs on sleeping areas. There are 5 options (2 couches, 2 air matresses, 1 recliner) so we do have provisions for others to stay. If you are from the area and are planning to stay overnight, bring a sleeping bag, air mattress, or other provisions to ensure you won't have to sleep on the floor.


4. My bedroom will remain locked at all times to prevent accidental druken occupation of my bed. Personal escort by me will be the only way to gain access.


5. There may be a nominal cover to help pay for the keg if you're drinking. I'll eat as much of the cost as I can afford but I may not be able to cover it all.


6. If you have a laptop computer, bring it with you. CBS is broadcasting all the games online so we can set up laptops to see the other games in progress besides the one the CBS nazis decide we have to watch.

ADDITIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY HZ-DUB'S MOST WANTED:

I'd like to take this opportunity to let everyone know the first contest of "The Weekend." The Adam Morrison look-alike contest. Sport your best dirt lip mustache and win a prize (probably food or beer-related). It's that easy!

If the World Baseball Classic falls in the forest...

...and the games are shown at 4am, does it make a sound?

In case you missed it, and judging by the interest you did, the complete schedule for the World Baseball Classic has been released. It can be found here. If you are like me and are looking forward to any "meaningful" baseball to be played, good luck.

There are such beautiful start times as 1:30am and 4am and just to make it even better, ESPN will tape delay the games that start at a reasonable 9pm and show them at about, oh let's say 2am. I am actually one of three people in the world that care about this tournament and I won't be able to watch a single game of it until the end of pool play due to start times and tape-delayed broadcasts. When you finally have some time to broadcast the games live, you have 1pm MONDAY starts. This is the worst scheduling I have ever seen.

Congradulations ESPN, you have effectively killed this entire tournament before it even gets under way. I understand that the deal you signed with Lucifer mandates that you show 39.5 college basketball games a week, with twice that many during conference tournament week. If you couldn't spare the air time to show this tournament you should not have bought/taken the rights. I mean, it is called the World Baseball CLASSIC which sets up a whole marketing campaign to show the games on ESPN Classic at a time where people will actually be awake. Are my marketing skills that good that I'm needed as ESPN to tell them how to run their business?

I was planning on having nightly gatherings to watch these games but I doubt many of us will be awake at 4am to watch the epic Japan/Chinese Taipei battle. As it stands, below is a list of dates and times that I may be willing to host, assuming that anyone still cares about this crappy tournament (all games are bracket play so teams are TBA):
Sunday March 12th 7pm & 10pm
Monday March 13th 6pm
Tuesday March 14th 6pm
Thursday March 16th 6:30pm
Saturday March 18th 2pm & 9pm
Monday March 20th 8pm

Contact me when we get closer to the dates above and we'll figure out what games (if any) we want to watch.

This Month in Rasslin'

Some people like wrestling. (Maybe 3 or 4 dozen) And some people hate it. (Everyone else) I’m not sure why so many people hate professional wrestling. Aside from occasionally airing an interview where a man insults an entire race, accuses another man of necrophelia, or suggests that a recently deceased man is currently in Hell, it’s not like the shows ever really hurt anyone.

Well, everyone except the performers themselves who’ve died like Owen Hart, the British Bulldog, the Big Bossman, Curt Hennig, Miss Elizabeth, Hawk, Crash Holly, and several others--all within the last three years, all in their early forties at the oldest.

Lately it seems that THE federation, WWE (formerly WWF) will soon join that toll. Ever since the infamous “InVasion” saga, which were supposed to be a sort of inter-promotional war between WWE and the recently McMahon purchased WCW and ECW, ratings for the weekly shows have been in the toilet. The famed storyline that, as RD Reynolds from Wrestlecrap.com said, everyone wanted to see and then no one wanted to remember, has been something that Vince McMahon still hasn’t recovered from.

Even now, years after the colossal failure, WWE still tries to imitate duel, warring federations by featuring different talent on both shows. The result is a show that sucks and another show that sucks more.

However, there are bright spots here and there. There are a handful of insanely talented guys on the shows: Chris Benoit, Rob Van Dam, Kurt Angle, Rey Mysterio, and Edge.

Rey Mysterio recently won the Royal Rumble and earned a main event title shot at WrestleMania, the biggest wrestling show of all (think of it as wrestling’s version of the SuperBowl). So, naturally, he lost that privilege to Randy Orton, a newcomer from St. Louis (sorry, Shaun, I can’t forgive your town for spawning this guy).

Two months ago, Edge won the world title from John Cena and dubbed himself “the Rated R Superstar.” Ratings skyrocketed for the first time in years. So, it only made sense to give the title back to Cena a few weeks later. So at WrestleMania, we have Randy Orton and John Cena, two guys whose abilities in and out of the ring pale in comparison to the names above. And, we all know that Hunter Hearst Helmsley-McMahon (he recently married Vince’s daughter, and yes, he’s always in the main event) will get a title shot at ‘Mania. Oh, and the 50-plus-year-old Undertaker will probably be in on the fun, too.

Oh, did you know that Undertaker is undefeated at WrestleMania? 12-0, I think. Yeah, I didn’t really care, either.

So, I’ll pass on WrestleMania this year. The only Pay-Per-View I plan on checking out this year is the next yearly ECW One Night Stand show.

Now, someone once asked me why I’d write about wrestling if it currently sucks so bad. Well, I’m always hoping that someday things will improve again. I have high hopes for the new federation, NWA: TNA that’s slowly been rising up. Rumor has it they’ll have a weekly Thursday night show on Spike TV within the next month. I hope so. I’ve seen their shows from time to time, and they’re good.

Owned

For those who like JJ, here's some hate for you.

Somebody mixed up the nice and naughty list

Everyones favorite wideout, Terrell Owens, got what he wanted for Christmas.

According to the "New York Post," the former Philadelphia Eagle is getting his own talk show. The project will be produced by the creators of home-makeover show "Trading Spaces." Owens' show is said to combine his big mouth and his love of working out. No word on when or where the show will air.

Bertflex's very own big sandwich was all over this story late last year- see Instant Classics "All I Want For Christmas"


T.O.'s agent Drew Rosenhaus - "Santa, baby, lets work something out here. We don't have to give him a whole channel, how about just a show. He is a premiere receiver in this league and he deserves to be compensated.

Santa - "But T.O. has been such an asshole this year."

Rosenhaus - "I have no comment"

mlb.com loses its credibility

Now that football season is over, the media has to curtail its love affair for Brett Favre and Tom Brady for awhile. To fill that void, they get to talk about how wonderful Derek Jeter is. In an attempt to get ahead of the game, an unnamed writer for mlb.com showed his true stripes and made some serious verbal man-love with the Yankee shortstop.

The following is taken from the fantasy baseball rankings from mlb.com (even though Jeter is ranked 2nd among shortstops). If you have a weak stomach or have a history of heart problems, please do not read this:

And on the seventh day, God rested. Having created the heavens and the Earth, the seas and all they contain, He ceased all labors. But the seventh day being a Sunday, and with all of His fantasy teams playing, He needed a shortstop. So God created Derek Jeter, and blessed him, and said unto him, be fruitful. And Jeter was good. Jeter held dominion over opposing pitchers (.309 AVG in 2005), was plentiful in power (19 HR and 70 RBIs), and moved over the earth (14 steals) and across home plate (122 runs). And God blessed Jeter, and sanctified him, and said to Roto owners everywhere, make Jeter your No. 1 middle infielder.



Ace & Gary?

The Most Controversial Interview Ever

Earlier this week, espn.com’s Graham Bensinger sat down with Shaun Kennedy, one of the top contributors to bertflex.com. Kennedy, who rarely does interviews, was very willing to speak on a number of topics and be honest with his thoughts. Here is the complete interview with Mr. Kennedy:

Bensinger: Well we are here talking to Shaun Kennedy, writer for bertflex.com. Thanks Shaun for taking a moment to be here with us. First off, your site has been up and running in blog form since November. Looking back onto the first few months, what are your thoughts?

Kennedy: I’m pleased with what we are doing. I know we don’t have a huge following just yet. But we’ve got some things in the works and we’ll continue to get better every month that we keep this up.

GB: Recently on ESPN, Michael Irvin was quoted as saying that Tony Pellegrino has not done the best job running your site; that it takes a great leader and a great Webmaster to run a team like yours. He even went as far as saying that Brett Favre, if given the reigns, would be a better Webmaster than Pellegrino. Your thoughts?

SK: (without a pause) Yeah he’s right. Definitely. I mean Favre’s a winner. He’s been there before, holding up the trophy. He is a true leader. As we speak right now, I couldn’t see Pellegrino leading us to the promised land. He’s good…he’ll get us near the ‘next level.’ Brett Favre would seal the deal. I see nothing wrong with what Irvin said, and there’s no way I can be misquoted on that.

GB: Another contributor to the site, Justin Rohour (aka Big Sandwich), has made a lot of quality posts so far. You two seem to get along on the field, but rumors have been circulating that you do not approve of his off-field behavior. Please explain.

SK: Well Graham, I’ve been talking about his work on the River. As you should know, he is a disk jockey on that station. I turn that (expletive) on the other day and what is he playing? Nelly? Notorious B.I.G.? What’s going on with that?

GB: I really don’t understand…

SK: He’s a sellout. White DJ’s on the River are only supposed to play white music. There’s no way you can misquote me on that. S-E-L-L- OUT! That’s all there is to it. Matchbox 20 and Dido: Justin should know every word to their songs.

GB: Why is this such a problem to you Shaun?

SK: Because it’s the River, man. The River is supposed to be a vanilla radio station. That’s how God wanted it. And the River will be back some day! And it will be re-built! Vanilla!

GB: That’s an interesting thought. Moving on to the future of the site: are there any plans for money making opportunities, or will this remain an all-voluntary effort on your part?

SK: Graham, listen to me. I BETTER make some money on this thing. I’ve got a family to feed. I’ve got to get paid for all the time and energy I spend making this thing work. Entertaining the people. I’ve got to be able to feed my family.

GB: You have a marketing background, Shaun, what are your plans on promoting the site?

SK: I’d like to promote it by promoting how great I am.

GB: No one else would be involved?

SK: Well, yeah I’d involve everyone. We’ve got a great staff. Tony and Justin do a great job. Ann and York are solid contributors. Jeremy and Matt jump in there every once in a while. But Josh on the other hand…

GB: What about Josh Lohnes? Where has he been?

SK: Graham, I’m not one to comment on someone’s sexuality…but if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…Josh Lohnes is gay. Seriously.

GB: Did you just say that? What does that have to do with anything?!

SK: You’re missing the big picture. Next question.

GB: Okay…do you have any thoughts on the upcoming Olympics?

SK: I really don’t know what the fuss is over Bode Miller. I can’t believe so many people care what he’s got to say. I mean, my friends get drunk and go skiing all the time. We’ve won World Series Championships on PlayStation drunk. Super Bowls, NCAA titles. Beaten Grand Theft Auto drunk. Played pool drunk. Played porch softball drunk. Bode Miller’s just a punk. He couldn’t hang with this crew.

GB: You’ve obviously known these guys since your college days. Describe what it was like being a star rec-sports athlete on the campus of the University of Missouri-St. Louis.

SK: There's so many people gravitating to us kids. We may not have even known what we were getting into. They knock on the door; somebody may knock on the door; a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do?…

GB: So you’re saying there’s no other options but to give into the female “groupies,” if you can call them that? And aren’t you afraid that the National Organization of Women will be offended by that?

SK: Yes, I am saying that. Unless you misquote me. And no I’m not afraid. You should apologize for asking such a ridiculous question.

GB: I’m sure you’ll be doing a lot of that real soon. Thanks for your time.

SK: Jap plays.



Thanks GB

Neither can produce a hit

What do these two men have in common?
















Give up? Their name is Marvin Bernard. Oh, and neither can rap.

Xtra Large savings for Super Bowl XL

Hey there sports fans and consumers! For this week only your Detroit-area Wal-Mart is featuring low low prices on products to get you ready for the big game! Here are some testimonials form your favorite Super Bowl players on the products they use and endorse.

Joey Porters "talk a whole lotta" Smack Ramen Noodles 10 for $2

J.P.- Before I talks mad shit on the otha team I always fill up on some hot 'n spicy ramen noodles. They got just the right amount of smack for me. BITCH!

$1.50 off Turtle Wax

Matt Hasselbeck- Me and all my bald-ass teammates shine our domes with Turtle Wax. What do you think shitty back-up lineman?

Isaiah Kacyvenski- I think I know where you can put that microphone.

2 Lofa Tatupu Loofahs for $3

L.T.- I broke three of these off in Shawne Merriman's ass the other day because I should have won the defensive rookie of the year! Don't worry though, these things are strong enough to scrub even my tough-ass Samoan feet. Lofa's loofahs are supa dupa!







$4 off a bottle of Jose Cuervo 1800











Ben Roethlisberger- That Joe Namath guy told me all I ever needed to know about how to pick-up chicks.....hic..... he's the man. Dude, did you see that one time when I threw the thing to Heinz ketchup....hic....hahahaha.....he hates it when I call him that. Is there a Taco Bell around here?