It seemed like yesterday that we began this whole Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. There were 64 entrants all mingling in a room drinking martinis, playing nicely, but now we're down to two.
#2 BBQ (Natty Bridge Regional) vs. #2 College Life (Alton Regional)
The voting begins today. We'll be back with the results, and hopefully an exclusive interview with the winner on Monday.
(This was posted over at Big Head's blog - mizzourah.net - but I figured I'd throw it over here for some Scherzer analysis and Kansas hatin'. Also, if you want to hear Big Head's thoughts on the Tigers' upcoming football season click here and go to the 20 minute mark)
Last week's column about Max Scherzer may have over-hyped him a bit, but how could anyone not be excited about his 13 up, 13 down debut? Monday night was his first start as a Major Leaguer and it did not go well. He was throwing hard, but it seemed like none of his offspeed pitches went for strikes, and the ones that did were base hits. His line was 4 innings, 5 runs (2 earned), 7 hits, 2 walks, 5 K's. A quick scouting report after watching him on tv: I love the fastball (who doesn't love 98-100 mph though?), and he seemed composed after giving up some runs. The worst part of his night was that he screwed around with Jamie Moyer and gave up two hits to the 40-something year old lefty. Jamie Moyer knows what 80 mph pitches look like...don't throw that to him! Also, it would help if Max didn't have a guy behind him with the last name "Drew," since that's never good. Stephen made a bad error on a grounder in the 3rd. To his credit, at least he was out there, J.D. would have been getting an MRI on his purse.
It's not certain that the D'Backs will keep Scherzer in the rotation, since Doug Davis is coming back soon from the DL (foightin' cancah!). Either way, he's got to stay up with the big club, since he's an equally useful weapon out of the pen.
On the Mizzou front, they are now 31-16 overall after winning two of three vs. K-State. Before that the Tigers dropped six out of seven (including five in a row). It's been real yucky to say the least for Mizzou as of late.
Up next is some mid-week action vs. Creighton (tonight) and extra Mo' State (Wed), followed by the weekend at Kansas.
I was going to end it there, but I wanted to see if the KU baseball team follows the lead of their hoops and football programs by playing weak non-conference schedules. Yes, yes they do - 5 game sets vs. both Hawaii-Hilo (huh?) and North Dakota State. Throw in a LeMoyne, Tabor, Benedictine, and St. Mary (I did not make any of those schools up) and the mighty Jayhawks are 29-22. What a bunch of clowns.
Cardinals won last night 5-3 over the Cubs, blah blah. 1st place in the Central, whatever.
I met Sign Guy. Tell me how awesome I am.
This is under the "Brushes with Greatness" tag, but who takes the honor of being "Greatness" here? Internet celebrity HMW, or Sign Guy? Tough call.
Last night in NBA playoff action, the Atlanta Hawks beat the Celtics to send their series to a seventh game. I'm sure all the best cliches will be used for this one, seeing how the Hawks (37-45? Playoffs!?) were ginormous underdogs vs. the Eastern Conference's top team. I won't say Boston is the NBA's top team since the West was unbelievably stacked this year.
But now the Hawks are one game away from moving on to the second round of the four month long playoffs. Even more important is the eventual disappointment and anger that every Boston fan will feel if the mighty Celtics lose in the first round. Their idiot fans will still be pissed no matter when the Celtics lose, but to the Hawks? That's a dream come true for anyone outside of New England.
Maybe fate is with Atlanta, if you're into that thing. The franchise just celebrated the 50th anniversary of their last championship, when they were the St. Louis Hawks. Or maybe they have Jeff Weaver playing center and Chris Drury at the point, that seems like a good strategy to me.
So my request is that who-, or whatever you pray to (Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or God Shammgod), do some praying that the Celtics suck on Sunday - noon central.
On Thursday, ESPN and Harrah's announced a change in schedule for the 2008 World Series of Poker Main Event. The $10,000 buy-in tournament starts on July 3rd, and continues every day (with the exception of July 7) through July 14th. Then, logically, the final table plays on November 9th, with the champion being crowned on November 11th.
No, no typo to see here. NOVEMBER...as in four months later.
This is horrible, horrible news for 1) people who hate poker on television, and 2) people who like poker on television. For 1 - this means a shitload of more poker coverage on ESPN (especially during baseball/World Series time and the beginning of the precious National Football League season). And for 2 - we really have to wait four months to find out who wins? The old adage "if it ain't broke..." applies here. Instead of "don't fix it," ESPN decided to break it, grab a hammer and duct tape, and marvel at their brand new bottle of Crystal Pepsi.
If you have faith in ESPN that they will not go overboard with poker coverage, then I have a Neal Everett autographed ESPN fleece to sell you. Boo-yah.
Greetings from a location that is not my mom's basement.
Watching Buzz Bissinger read from a paper printout on that Bob Costas special the other night reminded me of something I read in an Arthur C. Clarke novel many years ago. While I'm paraphrasing, the quote went like this: "When one life form encounters a more advanced life form, rarely does the lesser life form survive long after the encounter."
What does this mean? We saw the "old media" and the "new media." Buzz Bissinger and Costas represent an era when people actually read newspapers, when cities often had both a morning and an evening paper, and there were only three networks, no cable TV. I'm sure Bissinger even remembers going down to the Lyric cinema to watch Al Jolson in the first "Talkie" film.
The newspaper industry is doing horribly these days. Due to cable and other options, the big three networks are drawing fewer and fewer ratings. Meanwhile, the Internet is rising as the primary source of news and entertainment for a younger age that only use the newspaper to cover the kitchen table to polish their shoes on.
I also find it amazing that the one person who complained the entire time about the language used on sites like Deadspin, opened up his own profanity-laced tirade. What we saw were the last, angry death gasps of an old media form that for far too long has been complacent and comfortable. Now challenged by competition, instead of adapting or attempting to compete, they complain and sling names. The less advanced life form cannot survive the encounter.
Originally posted by Hack ~hmw
For those under a rock today, PROFESSIONAL journalist Buzz Bissinger thinks your blog is stupid and you're a moran. Buzz and our friend Will Leitch from Deadspin were on Bob Costas' show on HBO last night. We've posted about Costas' love of blogs and now Buzz joins the fray. Basically, Will was set up and ambushed by two guys who's livelihood are threatened by the "New Media." View the tape here, at Deadspin. Bravo, and one point for the "Mainstream Media", for showing those mean bloggers who's boss. Bob and Buzz are right, and only those who are professionals, like Shaun since he's now a professional, are allowed to write about sports. We comepletely agree.
It's been a rough road for all of the 64 entrants into the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death but only four have made it to this point. We knew going into this thing that there would be no cakewalks, and nothing should be taken for granted until the buzzer sounds. Now here we are, four are left - who will walk out as champion?
If you were able to handle all of the hard hitting analysis that the regional previews dished out, then handled the second and third round analysis and predictions, you should be rewarded. Note that you should be...instead you will be bombarded with the hardcoreiest, in your faceiest analysis and breakdowns you've ever seen. Put a helmet on and grab some nunchucks, you're entering the danger zone!
#1 Wiffleball (Hazelwood Regional) - When the warm weather rolls around it is always time to break out the wiffleball and bat. You don't need much else besides that, usually just a lawn chair for the strike zone, make up a few rules, and you're ready to play. Games can vary from "non-competitive" to "Texas Death Match." I'm still here, so you know I've fared pretty well in the latter.
Strengths: Fun to play for males and females, goes hand in hand with barbeque's and drinking beer, you can plunk someone and send a message while no one gets seriously hurt (unless they charge the mound on you), bat flips and showing up your opponent is encouraged.
Weaknesses: Works best while playing outdoors, so weather and playing surface play a key role, sore arm after throwing for an hour or two, can be humiliating if you suck.
Why it will win: Classic game designed for kids, but still enjoyable in your mid-20's. It's hard to not have a good time playing wiffleball, as it goes with so many great things: nice weather, BBQ, beer, girls, funny batting stances, and taunting.
Why it will lose: I don't think enough people take the time out to play wiffleball as often as they should (myself included). There can be a big gap from the time you play as a kid to when/if you play with your own children, and sometimes the love for the game can get lost in between.
#2 College Life (Alton Regional) - There you are hotshot, you're finally on your own. Ready to take over the world? No, not yet. First meet my lady friend, she wants to get to know you a little better. Wait, untuck that shirt, math boy. Also meet my other friend, beer bong. You and him are going to spend a lot of time together. Last but not least...meet Ricky Williams. I know he can't open his eyes right now, but you guys will have some funny fucking conversations later, it will be awesome.
Strengths: Girls (or dudes for the handful of ladies reading), booze, skipping class to play video games, skipping class for ____(insert any noun or verb here), degenerate behavior, girls "experimenting" with each other in your presence.
Weaknesses: Believe it or not there are a few, like when you actually have to go to class, study, and do papers; using any of those things as an excuse for not hanging out is always depressing, the drama that you either have to put up with or witness, paying $125 for books that half the time you don't use or can't sell back, paying expensive tuition and/or "fees" to the school.
Why it will win: Too many people go to college nowadays and have the greatest experience of their life. Assuming you graduate, it typically lasts from four years for some...to seven (via five schools) for others.
Why it will lose: Some people go and don't have fun, or have to work their way through school and miss out on the cool stuff. Also some may just have bad memories from their college days. Like people who lost a 10-7 lead in the final inning of a softball championship by giving up 13 runs and losing 20-10.
#1 Bacon (Woodson Terrace Regional) - A recent Jack in the Box commercial had Jack saying "Bacon is the candy bar of meats." I don't know where that quote is from, but I'm pretty sure it was in the Bible (where? somewhere in the back). He is absolutely correct (I'm talking about Jesus and Jack). Bacon is hands down the best form of meat out there, despite a lot of great competition. Any time bacon is invited over to your house, a party breaks out.
Strengths: Goes with everything - sandwiches, other meats, chocolate; one of the most delicious things you can put in your mouth (hopefully that sounded as sexual as possible), never disappoints, and it's Atkins Diet friendly! Eat all the bacon you want!
Weaknesses: Can't be consumed in large amounts like steak or hamburgers, not for the lazy - it takes some prep time to cook, some say it's bad for your heart.
Why it will win: Bacon has that swagger that a lot of championship teams have. The '85 Bears, '00 Ravens, and '08 Bacons all have it. There are a lot of common elements when you look at each team on paper. Of course, looking at Bacon on paper is not recommended, use a plate.
Why it will lose: It is just a matter of choice here - do you go with the best meat in bacon, or a bunch of them in BBQ? This should be the toughest vote for our panel of judges, and should make most of them cry.
#2 BBQ (Natural Bridge Regional) - If there were ever a rulebook for guys, one of the first rules would be that you have to know how to barbeque. If you don't know anything about cars, fine. Don't know anything about crescent wrenches, whatever. But you better damn well know how to cook meat on the grill. Women (though not their first choice) can live with going to a mechanic or plumber, but if you don't know how to cook simple hot dogs or pork steaks (for St. Louis folk only), then they might think twice about you as a man. They'll still marry you, but know that they wear the pants in the household, while you hold the purse.
Strengths: Contrary to popular belief BBQ can be grilled and eaten 365 days a year, delicious and not too difficult, many good options of what can be barbequed, Atkins friendly, not exclusive to warm weather, great for male bonding.
Weaknesses: Also not for the lazy - unless you have Bandana's do it, you have to be careful with fire and not under- or overcooking your meat. Burnt hamburgers are the worst thing ever.
Why it will win: BBQ is kind of like Eli Manning, trying to step out of Peyton's shadow. Bacon has had a stranglehold on all foods for a long time now, but this could be BBQ's year to prove it is worthy of holding the crown as well. Either way, BBQ and Bacon's father - Bologna Manning will be proud.
Why it will lose: Same reasoning as why Bacon would lose. I anticipate fights and arguments aplenty. Households will be divided in half, carnage will ensue. Ben Affleck will have to save the world. Now there's a guy who likes meat. He's probably got his eye on some wieners right now...
That is the breakdown of our Final Four. We'll keep you posted on results later this week.
PS. The stats say this is post #300. Hooray for us!
Here is this week's insideSTL article, regarding Prince and "the fantasy conundrum." Oh, wrong Prince. There is even a plug for the Who's Shitty Fantasy Report. Is that me being a team player? What the hell's going on out here?
(Update 5/20: because of insideSTL's website switch, this article is no longer up. I'll repost the link if they fix it.)
Hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to the first in-season installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, your premier source for fantasy baseball knowledge. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer all your fantasy questions. We have picked five more questions, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).
In typical fantasy guy fashion, here is a badass picture of Tony Pellegrino. Note that we did not include the shorts that Tony was wearing, due to "too much leg exposure." This is for your own protection. You are not protected from the guns, because there is no defense for guns like that. Well, besides change-ups and sliders.
"Straight-ball, I hit it VERY much. Curve-ball; bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come. I offer him cigar and rum. He will come, as long as Josh doesn't get to it first."
On to this week's questions:
1. Big Head ('03 Benzo) - I own(ed) Frank Thomas in a MASH League. Comfort me.
Clubhouse Cancer Frank Thomas can still Mash, especially now that he's an A. I actually read a blog about how the A's should sign both Thomas and Bonds and have the ultimate Mashy DH Platoon. I think that would be awesome and give the idea my full support. Since Bonds is a big girl and doesn't miss baseball anyway then I think the Big Skirt should come play for my slow-pitch softball team.
2. Big Head (still ridin') - Speaking of bad 1baggers, how about Daric Barton? Shitty??
He's had a shitty start, but he's not yet shitty. I think people have too high expectations for him. He's Hal Morris, people. In 2010, he'll hit .320 with 20 bombs. Leave the kid alone already. He's not going to hit a brazillion jacks. Remember, he used to be a catcher so numbers like that would make him a stud backstop. At first, he's merely "useful". Daric Barton and Conor Jackson might be the same person in the end.
3. ELF (MO-side) - Dear Master of Mash – Cliff Lee and Zach Greinke are 1-2 in the AL in ERA. Which one of them is more “fo’ rill”?
To answer this question, I'll cite my friend* Rany Jazayerli from BaseballProspectus.com...
In 31.2 innings, Cliff Lee has allowed 11 hits, walked 2, struck out 29, and has a 0.28 ERA. Since 1956, do you know how many pitchers had made three straight starts with 8+ innings, <=3 hits, <=1 walk, and 8+ strikeouts? Here's the list, which I have put in alphabetical order for your convenience:
Cliff Lee.
Here's that list again, sorted by last name:
Lee, Cliff.
That's it. Lee's stretch of pitching is unmatched in at least 50 years, and quite possibly ever, when you consider that strikeouts tend to decrease in frequency as you go back in time.
*- Rany (or Jaza for those of us in the industry) and I aren't really friends. I've lied to you. It's ok, really.
4. Big Sandwich ($5 @ subway) - Mangy Corpas has been complete poop this year and has already lost his closer job. After watching his nasty stuff last year can you explain why he has screwed my fantasy bullpen? (And you can't say it's because he pitches in Coors smart guy)
Is everyone ready to play my favorite game "Let's! Get! Dorky!"? Good, let's begin. His K/9 this year is 3.7 compared to 6.7 last year. His K/BB last year was 2.9, this year it's 0.7. His BABIP is only .304 so that seems to be ok and is a regression to the mean from his superb .262 BABIP last year. It's early, but his average heater has dropped from 93.1 MPH last season to 91.1 MPH this year. The amazing thing to me is that, this season, 42% of his baserunners have come around to score, compared to 20% last year. Basically, he's lost a couple of ticks off his heater which is leading to him not missing any bats this season. He is paying a high price for it and if he can regain that lost velocity, I think he could turn it around.
5. shaun (north side) - I recall a certain fantasy "expert" mocking my pick of Adam Wainwright in a money league a month ago. Any regrets on your mockery, or should I be selling high on the Pain Train?
Wainwright's numbers are as deceiving as the Cardinals first place standing were last week. Wainwright is a good pitcher, but he's not going to win the Cy Young this year. He's 3-1 and that won't last with this ballclub. He doesn't yet strike out enough guys to be a true ace but he does keep the walks down. If he can take the next step and up the K's while keeping the Walks where they are, I might be regretting my mockery. HOWEVA, his BABIP is .241 so far this year and he's due for a "correction" sooner rather than later.
Bonus Question:
HMW (mowing T. McKernan's lawn) - Tony, I read last week that Megan Fox was named the "World's Sexiest Woman" by FHM. I don't know much about this young lass, but her pictures are top notch. Give me a scouting report on Miss Fox and some projections. Is she more Ben Grieve #1 (1998) or A-Rod #1 (1995)?
I don't know if I can really get behind this pick. She doesn't have that projectability I'm really looking for with a #1 overall pick. She lacks a true "plus" tool that would allow me to get really excited about her. Due to that, she has kind of an "ordinary" look about her, and not the hot kind of ordinary you get from someone like an Alyson Hannigan, who I list as one of her comparables. I think this was a need-based pick, to try and generate a spark on offense for FHM, rather than taking the best player available. In my mock draft, I had Alba, Hazell, and Johansson as my top 3, so I was shocked when they went with Fox. She's definitely in Grieve territory. Megan Fox... Shitty.
If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to haymang@yahoo.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years (none recently) and gets paid to analyze baseball players, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.
Earlier today, I was looking at the Cardinals fan photo section on stltoday.com. It's usually a lot of baby pictures, or a dog wearing a Cardinals hat, or an out-of-focus shot taken from row 452. This time, however, there was a picture of a hussied-out girl ... and then another ... and another.
Whoever patakas is, he is somehow able to get his picture taken with the best Quadruple-A hotties the StL and Greater Metro area have to offer. You can look for him at Michael's before the game, or in the Coca-Cola Club at the stadium. You'll know him by the Rob Deer moustache.
It's been a busy day in the world of erstwhile big-shot starters.
First, the New York Daily News reported that Roger Clemens had an affair. With a country singer. Who looks like this (granted, she used to be hotter). Did I mention that the NYDN alleges that the relationship started when she was 15 years old.
Meanwhile, Barry Zito has brought shame to John Mayer fans everywhere by pitching so shittily that even the Giants have decided that he is best used in small doses out of the bullpen -- $126 million contract be damned.
So you've got to ask yourself: Who would you rather be today? A controversial Hall of Fame candidate who is suspected of steroid use, adultery, and/or the de-flowering of a minor? Or an overpaid, highly flammable John Mayer fan?
It's a tough call.
"The Rod", as he is fondly known as to several of my friends, rose to a new all-time high last night. Granted, he is known as "The Rod" because he likes to head out and hang with his son's friends; be it at a ballgame or driving around in his own pub crawl. I owe him a Cardinals game for his b'day, and since I'm heading into the Lou next weekend, I figured I'd throw down a little cash and take the old man out. Bleacher seats? Not good for a guy in his mid-fiddies. Remarkably, I found a pair of decent seats for a total of $86 for the Sunday night game against the Chubs.
Conversation commences.
Big Head: Dad, I found a pair of seats for the game Sunday. You in?
The Rod: How much?
BH: 86 bones...total
TR: Where at?
BH: Section 267. Second row.
TR: (Silence)
BH: You in?
TR: Well, you think we could drink $100 in beer?
BH: What?
TR: 100 DOLLARS IN BEER (Screaming like I hadn't heard him the first time. Very Chris Tucker-ish to Jackie Chan "Do you understand the words coming outta my mouf?")
BH: Uh...maybe
TR: We should go with the Party Room. All you can drink and eat. The eats are ok, and you can't taste how bad the beer is after the 2nd inning. You can get plowed for $190 for the pair. I can sober up on the MetroLink.
Damn, this is my future.
I was out tonight doing a little fine dining at Ozzie's and none other than O. Smith was there in attendance. I'm not sure if there was an actual occasion, but he was signing autographs for a bunch of old ladies and fat slobs - with many combinations of both. It was the big "Dine Out St. Louis" charity thing tonight (you can google what was going on, I won't) so maybe that was the reason.
Besides signing balls, photos, and an assortment of crap, Ozzie mingled with a few guests and went into the special VIP section of the restaurant to hang out with his caucasian female friends. Of course, plenty of douchebag hangers-on were lurking around with their indoor sunglasses on, so I was sure not to mess with those gangsterrz. And I even think one of T-Mac's Girl Next Door contestants was prancing around, but I'm not great at recognizing minor local celebrities from the internet in public.
The other person - besides O. Smith - that I recognized was A++ level local celebrity Mickey Carroll. He and his entourage rolled into the joint and parked themselves at a table right next to The Wizard. If you're not familiar with Mickey, here is his extensive IMDB page:
And boom, that's it. Pack it in, done. I don't really get the fascination people have with Mickey Carroll, and I'm not really sure why he is marginally important in St. Louis, but if I asked him, I'm sure he'd tell me why. Hey, more power to him; especially when posing for pics with ladies 1/3 his age and twice as tall, he gets a nice view at eye level.
Oh and don't forget that Bertflex and insideSTL's own Hazelwood's Most Wanted was in the house. I didn't sign any autographs, I only had time to bang a few waitresses who dig unknown blog contributors. Just another day in the life...
But it was cool to actually step out into "the scene" for one night and hang out with the top celebrities St. Louis - no, the WORLD - has to offer. I plan on going to the mall this weekend and picking up some indoor shades so I can do this more often, and look like a badass in the process.
Everyone knows my love for the best New York third baseman (the one who doesn't slap people on the field). However I will watch my back because I might get my ass handed to me by the Po-lice.
Eh, maybe it has more to do with being a jackass Met fan. I bet Carlos Beltran stood there frozen as this dude got hauled away.
The Good Face and I went over to MO'Fallon tonight to check out some college baseball action. Unfortunately, we didn't see "real" college baseball, nor did we see much action. Mizzou (#4 ranked team in the country) lost to SIU in a 2-1 pitchers duel. The teams played with wooden bats, which took away 99% of the coolness of college baseball, but it was a fun experience nonetheless.
Mizzou had plenty of chances to pull ahead - they stranded the bases loaded twice, and left a man on third in the 8th inning when Trevor Coleman was punched out on what seemed to be a strike from the 3rd base stands. He was pretty pissed, started yelling and pointing to the ump ("Your face is chocolate cake!" is what it sounded like), and got the gate.
It would have been cool to see Aaron Crow tonight, as this was his fifth day, but they must have been saving him for the weekend series at Texas A&M. Despite there being ZERO aluminum bats in the house, it was still a good time for my first college baseball experience.
A few notes:
-SIU has a guy with the last name "Crank." He did not play tonight, but I'm sure he would have hit 6 home runs. He sounds like a perfect fit for the MASH fantasy league.
This is the best photo I could get from long range, and acting quickly.
-More photos can be seen at the Bertflex photo gallery.
-Not a lot of attractive females in the crowd, though the ones that were hot put on their skankiest attire for the game.
-If UMSL can afford a banner on the outfield wall, Bertflex needs to pool some money and buy one (possibly a joint venture w/ the Front Office and Mizzourah).
-A lot of well-hit balls tonight, but nothing remotely deep after the SIU home run in the second. Hmm, wonder what the problem was...oh yeah, NO ALUMINUM FUCKING BATS! Weak sauce.
-We were hoping to get a glimpse of Aaron Crow or Kyle Gibson as the players were walking by us. It probably would have helped if we knew what they looked like, though it's possible that Crow (and even Gibson) didn't make the trip if he was going to pitch on Friday. I was hoping that The Good Face could give Crow some words of encouragement by letting him know he's on his fantasy team (already) in the Hardcore League.
-It looks like FSN Midwest will be carrying the Mizzou vs A&M game Sunday Sunday Sunday at 1pm. Treadhead seats are ten bucks!
Best pickup line EVAR: "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
It's taken us two and a half years to provide this service, but if you ever have the urge to email the kind folk at bertflex.com, feel free to drop us a line. We really tried to not have an offensive email address, but this is the best we could do:
haymang@yahoo.com
I am planning on digging into the mailbag for a post-tournament version of the Who's Shitty Fantasy Report, so get your questions sent in. Mang.
It is a truth universally acknowledged by almost everyone that professional wrestling is a metaphor for life. Thus, since wrestling is a metaphor for life, and since baseball is a metaphor for life, then by the transitive property wrestling is a metaphor for baseball.
Got all that, genius?
You see, in baseball, as in wrestling, there are babyfaces, heels, and jobbers. If you’re unfamiliar with this terminology, I’m deeply disappointed in you, and may God have mercy on your soul. But to help explain it, I’ll mix the metaphor and drop some Star Wars on your ass:
Faces: The good guys, like Luke Skywalker and Yoda.
Heels: The bad guys, like Darth Vader before he went all pussy.
Jobbers: The inconsequential Storm Troopers who are only there to make the faces and heels look good.
So who are baseball’s faces, heels, and jobbers?
Baseball faces: The all-time biggest face would probably be Babe Ruth, although his heelish tendencies might have been suppressed by the media. Today, biggest face honors likely go to Albert.
Baseball heels: There’s quite a lot to choose from – Ty Cobb, Hal Chase, the 1919 Black Sox, Pete Rose. Barry Bonds is easily the biggest heel going today.
Baseball jobbers: The sad, simple truth is that, at any time, 90% of major leaguers are jobbers. Noteworthy jobbers, if that isn’t an oxymoron, include Mario Mendoza, the Patron Saint of Baseball Jobbers.
Not everyone fits into these three categories, though. Some blur the lines.
Heelish faces: This is Alex Rodriguez’s lot at the moment. Much like John Cena, MLB tries to push A-Rod as The Man, but fans just love to hate him. The sooner everyone accepts that, the better.
Face-ish heels: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin practically invented this role. Not “good guys” by deed, they still get applause from fans who appreciate their willingness to kick just about anyone’s ass. Reggie Jackson and Roger Clemens come to mind.
Heelish jobbers: What the Brooklyn Brawler was to the WWF, Craig Counsell is to MLB. Take your stupid batting stance and your stupid face and get the hell out of here!!1!
Face-ish jobbers: Cardinals fans in particular love themselves some face-ish jobbers. Tell me that David Eckstein and Crash Holly don’t look like they could be brothers. Bo Hart, Stubby Clapp, and Joe McEwing also qualify. You don’t have to be white to be a face-ish jobber, but it doesn’t hurt. Does it ever?
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