Earl Weaver Lays It Down

Once again ripping off my ideas from the good Sir, I hereby present "Manager's Corner with Earl Weaver." The next time someone tells you that the Cardinals should add some team speed, tell that douche that they should put this interview in their pipe and take it to the bank, baby.

Also, there's some excellent gardening advice. And the theme music gets me all tingly.

Are You Ready

(Posted at Mizzourah earlier)

And the answer is a definitive 'yes, this is what I've lived XX years for'. It is the 1st Mizzourah/Bertflex RBI Baseball Tourney going down in Omaha over the CWS. You coming to Omaha for the CWS? There isn't shit to do after/before the games other than to drink and eat...and now play RBI Baseball.

RBI and College baseball are similar in many ways:

-PING!!
-Bad Muzak being played during the game
-You're drunk
-25-19 scores aren't uncommon
-Check swings get it out of the park
-Homers aren't cheap. You blast it high enough that it was the last thing Payne Stewart saw.
-Dingers are done with flair and damage.

Sir from Bertflex has confirmed, and with an RBI Tourney being announced, I imagine this could bring HMW out of the woodwork. I'm expecting Sammy Vegas from DXP to be involved and give shitty odds to us all. So grab your Powerglove and send an email to bullyforoldmizzou@gmail.com or comment and confirm that you're in for some RBI extravaganza. Probable date of Sunday, 6/15, with the possibility of a rain (see Hangover) date of Monday night.

Bert Blyleven in ......... the GREATEST! INTERVIEW! EVAR!!!!!

Stop what you're doing right now and click this link: Answer Man: Bert Blyleven. Yes I know it's a Yahoo link and those usually suck. This one definitely does not. In fact, that's where this AWESOME picture of Bert came from. There are eight questions about Blyleven's flatulence in the interview. He also talks about dropping those F-bombs on live TV a few years back. I'm starting to think we might be honoring the wrong "Bert" here at Bert Flex. Discuss.

Nickname Alert!!!

From Thursday's "Bernie's Extra Points":

I’m gonna call Chris Perez “CPR” because the other team needs it after inhaling that 98 mph heat. CPR fits, of course. Chris Perez, Reliever.

On discussion with the Good Face, we've decided to call Bernie "BM" because, well, you know...

Callin' You Out: Softball Magazine

Ladies and gents, I had a major discovery the other night at Books-A-Million. Naturally I was checking out the magazines, since them books is hard tuh reed. I walked by the rows of porn (very slowly) and went straight to the sports section. After looking for a Baseball 'Mericah and not finding one, I glanced over and my mouth dropped after seeing something I have never seen before: Softball Magazine.

Not just fast pitch...slow pitch too. Some D-Bag is even featured on the cover of the current issue (left). And you know what? Their site says they've been around since 1996! That means they were celebrating their 5th anniversary when a certain team of mashers won the UMSL Rec Sports Tournament in the spring of '01. And they didn't even interview us, let alone put us on the damn cover?! Go to hell Softball Magazine!

Do the right thing and let us retell the story of our road to glory. I can even show you my Rec Sports Champion t-shirt, along with the homemade markered-up shirt I wore that day.

The championship game alone doesn't do the story justice, it has to be like a ten page spread; we'll even reenact the entire thing for you so you can take pictures. Do the right thing Softball Mag...do it.

Email me now: haymang@yahoo.com

Sir could tell the story. Maltliquorman could tell it. Annie Fresh could tell it. Even though he wasn't there, I'm sure Big Sandwich has heard this one a few thousand times; he could tell it. On the other hand Jon Frost had no idea what happened...he was home by the time we were lighting up the scoreboard.

Email me Softball Magazine. Seriously.

Or catch me on the diamond, I play 16 games a week.

Thar's A New Likes Tuh Fight Guy In Town

Maybe it's funny pictures week here at bertflex or something, but I felt that this was right up our alley:



George Flex was at the Air Force commencement on Wednesday and it looks like he had a good time. There are a bunch of other photos, including a chest bump, Heisman pose, and an attempt to dance with one of them African-'Merican fellows.

Where is Mike Shannon?

Click here and go to Segment 5.

Listen to a little of the Shannon interview.

Notice the echo? Notice he's out of breath?

Now go to the 10 minute mark (exactly).

Flussssshhhhhh.

Classic. Straight out of Sir Pellegrino's arsenal, heh heh heh.

My Two Matts

With Sir officially proclaiming his love for Jay Bruce earlier this week, it is my duty to represent on my two newest man-crushes: Brewers OF prospect Matt LaPorta and Royals theoretical-SS prospect Mike "Matty" Moustakas.

Before we go any further, I should point out that I claimed these two (along with Josh Vitters) in the Hardcore Fantasy League the week of the '07 MLB draft. For nearly a month afterward, I was under the impression that Moustakas' first name was Matt before realizing I was, for the first and only time in history, wrong. But I really like the sound of "Matty Moustakas," so you can just effin' deal with it, big boy.

With the Channel 4 News Team pretty well blowin' donkeys this season, it's starting to look a lot like waiting 'til next year (or longer for Matty M.). Happily, both of these future C4NT-mates have been flexin' and mashin' down on the farm. LaPorta's Double-A line with Huntsville goes a little something like this: .291/.399/.587 with 13 d'oh!s and a 27/35 K/BB ratio. He's been playing mostly in right field -- partnered with Ryan Braun, the Brewers' corner OFs could be bringing the pain on a regular basis in the not-so-distant future.

As far as Moose Tacos Bell Grande goes, April was pretty much a sack of douche (.190/.253/.226 -- when your SLG < your OBP, you're in danger of entering Sucksville, population Neifi Perez), but this is less surprising when you consider that he's a 19-year-old in A-ball. More importantly, he has turned things around in a big way in May: He has hit six of his seven homers this month, and his line has improved to .254/.304/.429. After using the ping in high school, Moose is learning how to work the wood (hay-oooh!!11!).

Given how these two are playing, I'll be patronizing the MLB.com Shop very soon. One of my two Matts will be the debut entry in the Good Face's official line of Premature Prospect t-shirt jerseys. I just hope they make the sleeves big enough to corral my guns.

The Two Badass-iest Things to Come Out of Hazelwood West

No, not my left arm and right arm, but close:

1) Kyle McClellan
2) Me (did you expect these rankings to be fair?)

To show my support, I purchased a Kyle McClellan t-shirt jersey at the Mills mall Tuesday night. I'm guessing most of you are thinking that this is the leader in the clubhouse for "worst investment of the year." But I've got to give props to the '02 grad of THE Hazelwood West High School.

Evidently the Mills is McClellan-Central, because at least three sports stores had these ($20-25), and I didn't even check every store. For example, I'm pretty sure I saw some black McClellan shirts in the window at Hot Topic, along with matching bumper stickers and wristbands. Eh, that might have been Panic at the Disco gear, I was walking too fast.

But you can't even buy McClellan shirts at the stadium, unless they're hidden under all the Mulder t-shirts that are destined for shipment to Turkmenistan in the same crate as those Patriots 17-0 hoodies. So I truly feel lucky to own one. Normally I make fun of "that guy" who buys t-shirt jerseys of the new player before anyone else has them. Now I get to relish in all the glory of "that guy," fulfilling a lifelong dream.

So far, McClellan has 13 holds, good enough for 2nd in the Majors, to go with a save, 2.42 ERA, and nearly a K per inning. Click that link and you can even see some of his Upper Deck rookies going for a buck on ebay.

Even if McClellan flames out, I can always scratch his name out and change it to "Petkovsek" without having to face any criticism.

The Girl From Accounting Will Probably Win This Pool Too

If you're dorky enough to follow NCAA Baseball (the real thing, not the one where Tony slaps asses), and have a compulsive gambling habit, you'd probably be interested to know that Baseball America has set up a College World Series Bracket Challenge.

You can win a DeMarini bat which can be used for future Sandlot Slams, and more importantly, perfecting the art of the bat flip.

Click here to sign up. Who you got?

BRUUUCE!!! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE!

My newest man-crush finally got the call yesterday. Man-child Jay Bruce made his major league debut in last night's game against the Pirates and apparently finds the whole thing quite easy. Batting second, he went 3-for-3 with two walks, two runs, two RsBI and a double. Get on the Jay Bruce train NOW! Tickets are going fast and you do not want to miss out.

After Dusty Baker tried to get him to stop taking pitches all the time, he went down to Louisville and hit .364/.393/.630 until it was finally blatantly obvious, even to the Reds, that he might actually be able to play baseball better than Corey Patterson. Sadly for those of us who like baseball, Mr. Patterson is still on a major league roster this morning. Scott Hatteberg was the one who took the fall as the Reds gave him his walking papers. Now that the Reds have JB, Joey Votto, and Donkey, plus Johnny Cuervo, they are quickly becoming one of my favorite teams to watch. Luckily they have no pitching so I can be a fan of Reds players without suffering the indignity of actually being a Reds fan.

Just to rub it in your face, I own Bruce in my keeper league so I get to benefit from his exploits for the next three seasons. Yes, I know that no one cares about my fantasy team; too bad. This is "The Me Show" and I put it on blast. That's how I roll.

JURASSIC PARK!

**UPDATE 5/28 11pm: Video Evidence

Douche Bag Report: Overenthusiastic Fan in Section 129 Edition

Your flowing curly locks.  Your sweatbands.  your replica batting helmet with a 2006 World Series sticker plastered on the back.  Your casually unbuttoned navy McGwire jersey and bright red baseball glove.  Your endless droning chants that distract your own team and bleed into the TV and radio feeds.  Your joyous participation in the wave and inability to clap rhythmically.  Your high fives, back slaps, and liberal use of the finger gun.

All this led me to believe you were a 12-year-old with accelerated aging disease living your make-a-wish with season tickets.  But with a couple months of light recon (binoculars, nachos, Bud Light), I have determined that you are actually a grown man with the most developed case of douche baggery I have seen in my young life.  Hats off, sir.  You are now on my most hated list, right between Pol Pot and Dr. Claw.

Slater! NOOO!

The unwritten checklist of celebrity-type things that I'm allowed to post by my fellow Flexers need to meet at least one of the following criteria:

__ No more than once a week

__ TV star/rapper/athlete of the 80's or 90's

__ Hot chick (nudity preferred)

__ Violence

My friends, this is the ultimate: I have found something that meets all 4 of the qualifications listed above. You see, our buddy Albert Clifford Slater (or Mario Lopez if you're living in this century) was having a little too much fun at the beach. He must have had a flashback of one of his old Valley High rivals, because he decided to unleash some fury on his girlfriend. The face plant alone is awesome, but evidently they tried this maneuver again and it ended up with her slipping out of her top, all up in Slater's face, if you're into that kind of thing...

Somewhere in the distance I can hear: "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! She's broken in half! Somebody stop the DAMN MATCH!!"

X-tra Curricular Activities

As some of you may know The Good Face and I have other writing gigs on the internetz that 1) are highly paid, and 2) result in us getting offered many sexual favors from our female fans. Click the links below to see our writing talents in action:

-The Good Face giving Matt Stairs some love in his Sporting News fantasy column

-Me bringing heat in this week's insideSTL column, ranking the Cardinal Bar & Restaurants. There are only a couple worthless comments at the bottom, I thought more people would have chimed in. Tip of the cap to Hack for help on the JBuck's and Shannon's descriptions, and to The Good Face for the fine job of editing every week.

Funny Pictures

I'll try not to make a habit of this, but over the past long time I've been collecting images that make me laugh. Here are some of them:

College World Series Predictions

As some of you may know, I'm kind of a big deal I like college baseball. According to the powers that be, that makes me weird but that's ok. This will be the second year in a row that I'll be attending the College World Series in beautiful Omaha, Nebraska. Of course, like any good fan, I've watched zero college games up to this point. With that level of expertise under my belt, here are my predictions for who will win each regional and super regional.

Miami over Michigan*
Georgia Tech* over NC State
Fullerton over Stanford
Florida St. over Wichita St.*
Coastal Carolina over North Carolina
LSU over Nebraska
Rice over Texas A&M
Arizona State over San Diego*

*-Regional Upset

However, after last year's CWS, I'm rooting for the UC-Irvine Anteaters to make a charge. Local teams I'm rooting for but probably won't make it: Missouri, Illinois-Chicago, and Eastern Illinois. Missouri, who has been ranked as high as #3 in the nation, drew stupid #1 seed Miami in regionals. Good luck with that, Tigers. White boy Yandi Alonso is gonna eff your day up. I'd also really like to see San Diego make it to Omaha so I can watch Brian Matusz make people look silly.

I'm already looking forward to Arizona State making it to Omaha so that OF Mike Jones gets announced over the PA system again. If you don't understand what makes that funny, you don't belong here.

I'm Just Sayin'

Anyone ever seen Miami masher Yonder Alonso and Florida QB Tim Tebow at the same time?

The First Annual BertFlex Summer Intern Search

The other day, I noticed that those nerds at Baseball Prospectus have an ad out for intern positions. I must admit that it seems like it might be a cool gig -- who doesn't want to fawn all over Kevin Goldstein and his sexy ass -- er, sexy-ass prospect rankings.

Then it hit me: Why don't we get an intern? In true second-banana (third-banana?) style, I went over the head of my superior(s) and decreed that the First Annual BertFlex Summer Intern Search is officially underway.

Now, BP says that they are looking for U.S. students in "good standing" with their schools -- i.e., geeks and/or dweebs. We don't care about that. Our requirements:

1. Dudes need not apply. We have enough of them already and, with the exception of maltliquorman, none of us are really "eye candy."
2. You must be able to pick Jack Cust out of a lineup. This requirement can be waived if you have access to good seats at Busch Stadium that you would be willing to give us.
3. Uh, hmmm...I really hadn't thought this through. It would be cool if you had, like, an old NES we could play?

Duties (ha, "duties") of the winning applicant(s) are yet to be determined, but they likely will include some combination of food ordering and/or retrieval, along with Baseball-Reference.com consultation to resolve statistical disputes. Oh, and some light typing. Any and all interested parties can send their applications to haymang@yahoo.com. We look forward to hearing from you.

This is Our Porn

Our very own Sir was probably watching the Padres/Reds highlights over and over last night in a dark room by himself. It turns out that:

Padres Jerseys + Camouflage = 18 Inning Magic!













(And who doesn't want to squeeze Adrian Gonzalez's chest? Okay, besides Maltliquorman - he's faithful to Jake Peavy.)

When Making a List, Be Sure to Check It Twice

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch, bless its heart, is trying to court readers like Hazelwood's Most Wanted and myself with some MLB draft coverage. I haven't seen alphabetization like this since Lurleen Lumpkin's appearance on "Ya-Hoo!"

FIVE FOR CARDS (listed alphabetically)

1. Aaron Hicks, OF/RHP, Wilson H.S., Long Beach, Calif.
BA says he's "the finest prep OF/P prospect in greater (LA) since Darryl Strawberry." Switch-hitter has speed on the bases and 94 mph on mound.

2. Jason Castro, C, Stanford
Lefthanded hitter improved at catcher, also played outfield and first base in summer ball. Big, athletic build and swing hints that power will improve.

3. Zach Collier, OF, Chino Hills (Calif.) H.S.
Young high-upside pick at 17, the lefthanded hitter has great speed and the kind of raw athleticism and tools that, as some say, "you can dream on."

4. Ethan Martin, RHP/3B, Stephens County H.S., Toccoa, Ga.
Pegged as a gritty, power-hitting infielder, Martin has also emerged as top-tier pitcher with mid-90s mph arm. One pick could get two-way talent.

5. Tim Melville, RHP, Holt H.S., Wentzville
Local standout is the top prep pitcher available in the draft with radar gun-grabbing velocity, plus curve, and bankable body type, at 6-5, 210 pounds.