Ho Yeah

Hey little boys and girls, it's your buddy Santa here! One of the nice young lads at this jolly ol' website asked me to write a short column about what's going on at the North Pole. Even though it's our busy time of the year (see you in three days!), Santa always makes time for his friends. Plus it is not too often that I am the one behind the words; I do enjoy reading all those letters, but I like to sit behind the old keyboard too.

I know you'd expect me to comment on something like the best toys to bring children this year, or the type of milk and cookies I enjoy snacking on while you are nestled in bed. No, there's something that I've wanted to get off my chest for a while now, and why not tell all the happy boys and girls of bertflex-land: I love hot slutty women.

Oh man, where do I start? I mean, you Americans have been on a roll there in the past couple months. Just off the top of my head, you've got Britney Spears hanging out with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, running around with no underwear on? That's like the All Star game of party sluts hanging out together. For you sports dorks out there, the only historical trio that comes close was Bird, Magic, and Jordan when they smoked some dudes in the '92 Olympics. As a matter of fact, those girls were smoking some dudes of their own last time I came to West Hollywood.

You know the whole naughty or nice thing I tell you about? Let's just say Brit, Paris, and Lindsay are getting a bunch of shit from me Christmas morning.

Then a couple days ago we find out about Miss USA getting drunk and making out with Miss Teen USA. Let me tell you kids a little secret about Santa. Remember when I said I love hot slutty women? I really love hot slutty women who get drunk and make out with each other.

I bet you didn't know that I always hire some lesbian elves for this very reason. Hey it's the North Pole--not a lot happening up here in July.

But I'm glad Mr. Trump didn't relieve her of her crown, he'll be rewarded for that come Monday. He, like the rest of the men of your country, saw what a great role model she is for young women, and her lesbian desires should not be distracted by some argument over a silly pageant title. Don't worry guys, I know for a fact she still likes you. But get a little booze in her and she'll let another Miss USA stick her tongue in her U-Know-What.

Then the news broke yesterday about Miss Nevada and some "racy" pictures that were released of her. You can view them on www.tmz.com (she's the one in red) but they've got those pesky red stars blocking out the good stuff. Oh well, can't win them all. That is, unless you're me. I'm putting someone else in charge of the gift wrapping and hanging out with this chick tonight. It's Friday, she ain't got no job, and she ain't got shit to do. That means lots of drinking and whoring. I'll let you know how it goes.

As for this article, I'm not sure how to end this except by saying that I encourage all you young ladies out there to slut it up as much as you can! Santa is always watching...

Best. Injury. Evar.

This article comes courtesy of the Detroit Free Press, discussing Joel Zumaya's decline in performance during the postseason...

The Tigers are satisfied they won't see a recurrence of the right wrist and forearm inflammation that sidelined Joel Zumaya for three games of the American League Championship Series.

Why? Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT-AM (1270) on Wednesday the team had concluded Zumaya's injury resulted from playing a video game, not from his powerful throwing motion.

Zumaya, 22, was known to play "Guitar Hero," a PlayStation 2 game in which a player uses a guitar-shaped controller to simulate the performance of popular songs.

That's right, the dumbass flamethrower hurt his arm playing glorified air guitar. Maybe next week, JD Drew will hurt himself playing Dance Dance Revolution.

For the 10 Billionth Time, People are Stupid

I'm doing a good job of cutting and pasting from newspapers over the past couple days.

Here we take a look a USA Today poll from this week:

Fan poll:

Fifty-seven percent of baseball fans think Mark McGwire should be elected to the Hall of Fame, according to a USA TODAY-Gallup poll; 35% said he shouldn't, and 7% had no opinion.

McGwire's support in the poll of 423 baseball fans, conducted Dec. 8-10, is down 3% from a similar poll in August. Of those eligible for the Hall ballot for the first time this month, Cal Ripken Jr. (86%) fared best, followed by Tony Gwynn (58%), McGwire and Jose Canseco (48%).

In a recent Associated Press survey, 25% of baseball writers eligible to vote for the Hall said they'd vote for McGwire; a 75% total is necessary for election.

Sammy Sosa, who is not yet eligible for the Hall, received support from 63% of fans.

I don't think it's a huge surprise that the fans are leaning towards "yes" for Mac Wire. It definitely wouldn't be this high (57%) if you took a poll of media members (as shown above), since they love to hate the big guy. But from what I've seen and read, fans seem to be less outraged on letting Mac Wire into the Hall of Fame--maybe if they yelled louder, they'd be on tv too.

There are two things that surprise me here: the lesser of which is that 86% of the 423 baseball fans USA Today polled, would vote Cal Ripken, Jr into the Hall. Who are those other 14%?? Where did USA Today find them? I know that's pretty much 1 in 10 people, but what did Cal Ripken do to piss these people off? I could understand when the time comes, and Derek Jeter's name is on the ballot, of course there are going to be some Yankee haters (mostly in the New England area) who would vote no. Bill Simmons included. But Cal Ripken? Who are his enemies? Lou Gehrig's family? Manny Alexander? I don't get it, but it's no big deal compared to the other surprise.

Tony Gwynn. 58%.

Once again, it says 423 baseball fans. Not figure skating fans. Not Bravo Network fans. Baseball fans.

And 178 people say Tony Gwynn should not be elected into the Hall of Fame. If someone can explain this, please do so.

Frank Cusumano of 590 pointed this out on the air yesterday. I was stunned when he said 58% and had to find the article online just to make sure he didn't read the poll incorrectly. I'm still baffled by that figure and won't bother to explain why Gwynn should be in the Hall, because I'll be preaching to the choir here.

Especially because I know the choir is concerned at how much Yellow had to die to make that '83 Fleer rookie.

But I wanted to point out, once again, how stupid people can be, and I think the mission has been accomplished today.

As for the Sammy Sosa support, I'll pretend I didn't read that.

Punch AJ, Part 2

No that photo to the left is not a misprint. Nor is it a photoshop project I made Tony do. It is a photo of an "altercation" between our very own World Series MVP David Eckstein and White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski at an NWA-TNA wrestling pay-per-view this past Sunday.

Here is a recap from the Miami Herald, an actual newspaper, which has a wrestling section on their website:

Catcher A.J. Pierzynski of the 2005 world champion Chicago White Sox picked a
fight with World Series MVP David Eckstein of the 2006 world champion St. Louis Cardinals during the TNA pay-per-view Turning Point on Sunday, Dec. 10 from Universal Studios Orlando.

Pierzynski had a shoving match with Eckstein. Pierzynski's pal Dale Torborg, the strength and conditioning coach for the White Sox and formerly the Demon in WCW, slugged Eckstein's brother, Rick, a minor league coach.

''Dale and I were a little upset that they got the big entrance, yet we just got introduced from the [seats]. Plus, they got the [entrance] music, and we didn't,'' Pierzynski said. "It was a little disappointing. We got a little jealous, so we took out our frustrations on them.''

Pierzynski and Torborg tore Eckstein's new inspirational children's book, Have Heart, which led to the pull-apart.

''As a kid, I always enjoyed wrestling,'' said Eckstein. "All that went down. Wow. That was unbelievable. Things got a bit heated with A.J."

"When you step into the ring, you're stepping outside your comfort zone. I can handle playing in front of 45,000 [baseball] fans, but going out in front of the TNA Wrestling fans who always want to see action, I was nervous.''

So far I've made none of this up.

NWA-TNA promises that this feud is not over and that we should tune in to their show this Thursday on Spike TV to see what happens next.


Doing a little investigative work on this, Brian Stull, host of The Stranglehold (KFNS 590), asked Eckstein about his role in the wrestling ring. Eckstein said that he will not be involved in wrestling an actual match, but said that there is something in the works for this story. He hinted that his brother Rick could be wrestling in the grudge match, as well as AJ Pierzynski.

By the looks of this picture, AJ and his gut will be a force to be reckoned with, no matter who he wrestles.

I'll anxiously be following TNA wrestling for the next couple weeks to see how this plays out. I'm glad our MVP shortstop is using his time doing something worthwhile during the offseason.

Oh, and be sure to pre-order the bertflex.com "David Flex-stein" shirt coming soon!

Out-Of-Context Quote of the Year

"We're disappointed, because we like Jesus a lot, but we'll see how the process plays out," said Mets director of Minor League operations Adam Wogan.

Monday Night Beatdown

Are you ready for some beatdown?!?! The BertFlex.com crew is having an official outing to watch the Rams get killed by the Bears this monday night. The game starts at 7:30 and we'll be hanging out at Buffalo Wild Wings on Olive.

This outing, as most others, will consist of shit-talkin', talking about fantasy sports, being sad that baseball is on offseason, and laughing at how bad the Rams are. But wait, there's more! I'm throwing in ABSOLUTELY FREE that I'll probably get really bad service AND yell at least one obscenity really loud. I know you already can't believe what a great deal this is, but we're not done yet. As one of the new BertFlex.com marketing campaigns, Shaun will be giving away free BertFlex.com jerseys to drunk girls who will make out with each other and let him take pictures. You do not want to miss out. Act today! Don't let another minute go you by!

If this sounds like a tolerable way to spend a monday night, come on down. Try to let one of us know so that we can get a large enough table to handle the millions (AND MILLIONS) of BertFlex.com fans. You'll also get a chance to have input into our next marketing campaign, "The Shawons". What is "The Shawons" you ask? You'll have to come out and see. I'll see YOU at Wild Wings for Monday Night Beatdown!

My Elaborate Plan...Ruined

Unfortunately Barry Bonds has re-signed with the Giants to play at least one more season in the bigs. I say "unfortunately" because I spent months constructing the following plan, and was mere hours away from presenting it to Walt Jocketty and the Cardinals' brass.

It was a plan that would have brought one of the greatest professional athletes of all time to our city. And we blew it. Had this plan been carried out to perfection, I would have been known as the most awesome person in the history of the universe. But destiny was not on my side this time, thus I reveal my plan saddened by what could have been...

I’ve had hopes that we sign free agent-to-be Barry Bonds since the end of the 2006 season. Because of the baggage, I will assume that no one bites on Barry right away and we give him about $7 million to play left in 2007. The huge marketing campaign begins immediately about how he’s going to break the home run record as a Cardinal. If you like baseball history at all, can you imagine him hitting #756—in a Cardinal uniform!

Spring training goes really well and the players and coaching staff all talk about how much they love Bonds and can’t wait to get the season started with him on the club.

Then comes opening day, April 1st. Luckily the game vs. the Mets is on ESPN for everyone to witness this historic moment. There is a buzz in the air as Barry Freakin’ Bonds is about to make his debut as a Cardinal.

Starter Chris Carpenter is done with his warmup pitches and we’re ready to go. He takes the sign from Molina, and just as he’s about to throw the first pitch of the season, Tony LaRussa calls time from the dugout.

He points out to left field and starts waving Bonds in. Then looks to his right and says "Schumaker, go in." That’s right, Barry gets pulled for Skip Schumaker before a pitch is thrown.

As Barry takes the 250 foot walk of shame into the Cardinals' dugout, everyone in the stadium pelts him with batteries, VCR's, or any other objects of their choice. And there's no doubt that the fans of Cardinal Nation would deliver the loudest boos ever recorded in the history of mankind. We'd even fly in some fans from Philly, New York, and Scotland, in order to guarantee that the fans delivered enough hate.

At this point you probably don't think it could get better, but trainer Barry Weinberg has a suitcase already packed for Bonds sitting on the top step of the dugout. Peace out Barry, you are officially retired.


I know I’m a jerk, but it would have been the best 7 million ever spent.

Your New Hero

I know that many of our supporters enjoy a cold brew every now and again (and again). In fact, it may shock you to learn that a few of our contributors have been known to get really drunk at wedding receptions, but I'm not in the business of naming names, Josh. To the left, I present, your newest hero. Undetered by the small glasses of beer provided to him, this dude takes beer drinking to its logical conclusion. While I applaud him for that, I can neither confirm nor deny if he is related to Tony Siragusa.

I now issue a challenge to any BertFlex drinkers out there. I think that the "Waterfall" method employed by our friend here has a chance to revolutionize the drinking industry as we know it. I'm willing to offer a reward of $10 to the first of our contributors or friends of the site who can successfully Waterfall 4 beers to completion. In fact, if you decide to take the challenge while we're doing one of our remotes, I'll even pay for the 4 beers provided that you succeed in your mission. And if you're real crazy and think you can do 5, there may be a BertFlex.com jersey in it for you.

Unkie Walt

At least one General Manager has had his head on straight this postseason, and thankfully, it's good ol' Walt Jocketty. Unkie Walt hasn't overpaid for Juan Pierre, Ted Lilly, Alfonso "Backwards K" Soriano, or even JD Boo. One GM that has a small tendancy to over pay? Beantown's own Theo Epstein. Between playing with his Speak and Spell and watching Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Theo decided to pick up the phone. Who was on the other end? The silver hair wonder, Walt Jocketty.

Walt Jocketty: Wow Theo! $70 million for JD Drew?
Theo Epstein: Yeah, we had it laying around. Found some of it in the Green Monster. Looked like Manny left a paycheck in there when he must have climbed in there once last year.
WJ: You know, I just wanted to give you some advice on JD. He’s terrible.
TE: I know you are, but what am I?
WJ: What?
TE: Walt, do you like Legos?
WJ: (mumbles)
TE: Legos. Do you like Legos?
WJ: I don’t care about Legos. I just wanted to warn you tha---
TE: I’m building a ship for show and tell tomorrow. John Henry grades me on my projects. I meant to add you on MySpace, but I couldn’t find you. What’s your screen name?
WJ: My what?
TE: Screen name on MySpace. Jeez Walt! Mine is Beantowngeek.
WJ: Look, Theo…I really don’t give a shit about Legos and your ship or project or whatever the hell you kids do these days. JD isn’t worth it.
TE: Walt?
WJ: What!
TE: Do you want to say bye to Manny? We had a sleep over last night. **Hey Manny, Walt wants to say hi. And you left your sleeping bag over here. I’ll get Finding Nemo back to you before Christmas.** Ok Walt? Manny had to go. He does this all the time. He just gets up and wants to leave. So what were we talking about? Oh, did you hear that Steinbrenner’s daughter dumped Mike Mussina’s uncle’s cousin? I heard it from Ted Lilly, who heard it from Jaret Wright on his way out.

WJ: Theo, I am trying to do you a favor. JD plays less than Shawn Green on Yom Kippur. We signed Chris Carpenter for cheaper than what you just signed JD for, and Carp won the Cy Young! You are an idiot.
TE: Did you hear that? It sounded like someone picked up... Mom?
Mom: Theo, come down for dinner. I need you to set the table.
TE: Mom, I’ll be down in a second. Can you pour my milk in my sip cup?
Mom: Theo, you didn’t do your chores. I have to take away your allowance for the week.
TE: Dammit!
Mom: Watch your mouth young man! You’re grounded. Get down here right now. Who are you on the phone with anyway?
WJ: Hello Mrs. Epstein.
Mom: Is this that Walter boy you talked to Theo? I just love him. Why don’t you come over for dinner Walter?
TE: It’s meatloaf, Walt. She makes some great meatloaf.
WJ: I really wish that I could, but I need to find some pitchers.
TE: Why don’t you go after Antonio Alfonseca? He has six fingers. Could you just imagine having six fingers? That would be pretty cool.
WJ: Too bad he’s terrible. Even Jim Hendry got rid of him. I don’t want any Cubs rejects. You can only go to the well so many times and be successful.
TE: Could you dig up Greg Maddux?
WJ: It just came across the wire that he signed with the Padres. I need some damn pitching. I just don’t know about Kip Wells as a number two.
Mom: Theo, get down here. Dinner is done!
TE: I’ll be down in a minute Mom! Hey Walt, look for me on Xbox around ten. I know it’s a school night, but I need to play Gears of War. I’m right at the end. Maybe we can Co-op and beat General Raam?
WJ: What in the hell are you talking about?
TE: Did I happen to leave my PSP in the box after the World Series in ’04? I still haven’t been able to find it.
WJ: No clue. That Busch Stadium isn’t around anymore. We moved next door to the new Busch.
TE: Wow, two places with the same name? HA, that’s smart! What is Busch anyway?
WJ: Beer Theo. Beer. You will be able to buy it when you turn 21.

Son of a...

Damnit. While you guys were drooling over buffalo wings (and oh yeah, hot models!) last night, the Boston Red Sox were busy wrapping up a 5-year, $70 million deal with J.D. BOO. Most of you guys know that I have always had an inexplicable crush on the Drewster, but I feel like he has now broken my heart. Let's face it, the only way he could have hurt me more was to go to the Cubbies or the Yanks. And to answer the obvious question, no, I won't become a Red Sox fan. J.D. is set to make $14 million a year for the first 4 years, but less the 5th year if he doesn't play a certain amount of games. Here's what ESPN's Jerry Crasnick thought of the J.D./City of Boston pairing...

"On paper, this might be the worst union of star and town since Paris Hilton dropped into Altus, Ark., for a reality show paycheck. Drew's roots go back to Hahira, Ga., a one-yellow-caution-light town known primarily for its Honey Bee festival. Very soon, he'll enter a world of short-tempered waitresses, middle fingers at traffic intersections and dissection by radio talk-show caller."

Word.

LiveBlog Virgins No More

The staff of BertFlex has been waiting for an event so important that it absolutely had to be LiveBlogged. That night finally came Wednesday. The event was the (pre-recorded) Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

Nothing better than hearing what big dorks have to say about the most beautiful women in the world, so here goes.

Your participants are Tony, Justin, and Shaun--all live from Tony's place.

9:00pm The show starts, but we're not watching yet.

9:09 We're still playing NCAA Baseball on PS2. Off to a fantastic start! Oh, Tony hits a walk-off in the 9th with Freshman Shaun Kennedy. Game over. Boneless Wings win. Th-uh-uh-uh-uhhh Boneless Wings Win!

9:11 Enough of the MASH-ion Show that cyber-Shaun put on, let's watch the Fashion Show!

9:12 There is a segment about the models' personal life. Not a good sign 12 minutes into the show. The girls are talking about how they've never received lingerie as a gift. They seem confused why men never give them lingerie.

I'll look past the fact that you get it for free. The truth is that we'd love to get our wives and girlfriends lingerie for every gift, even Columbus Day. It's just been beaten into our heads that we never ever ever ever get it right.

9:14 I record this voice memo: "Tony finally mutes the TV, cuz these bitches are talkin' too much. This is kind of like FOX telling us Carlos Beltran having two dogs named Fluffy and Muffin. Nobody cares! Oh now they're back to the boobies." (Tony laughs) Justin says, "I seen it."

(keep in mind from here on, we did not have the audio on. We watched the show on mute, and listened to CD's.)

9:15 Another voice memo: Shaun says "Justin, what do you think about that?" Justin says, "I'm in love right now."

9:15 Angry, and incoherent voice memo: "SON of a (bleeping) (bleep)!! AARRRRHHH!! They just (bleeping) showed DEREK JETER. (Bleep) He's in the front row isn't he? (Bleep)

(tony finally gets me some paper to write this golden material on)

9:16 Tony just got out of the bathroom about a half hour ago, and his ass was literally on fire. He does not learn his lesson and goes back to eating pizza with lots of meat and jalapenos.

9:16 Tony points out that the models have gone to a poker-related theme (above). If it was possible to make them hotter, this did the trick.

9:17 Shaun says that Luol Deng is modeling tonight. Quite offensive moment, but of all the things said here, that's the only thing I feel comfortable typing.

9:18 Commercial break.

9:24 And we're back...finally

9:26 The long awaited line of sexy Flight Attendant costumes and lingerie is revealed. Justin is hungry for peanuts.

9:27 Another lame segment of the models NOT ON THE RUNWAY. This time we see things through the eyes of the "Angel Cam." Tony is mad that one of them throws like a girl. Nobody's perfect Tony.

Bright Idea Time: Tony suggests we need to go places and throw out free shit to people. Doesn't matter how crappy the item is, people love getting free stuff thrown to them. I added that we add a camera and videotape it for bertflex.com. Tony thinks that we should give out cheap bertflex t-shirts to girls when they make out with each other. I bring my amazing marketing skills to the table and say that the shirts should say "I made out for bertflex!" or "I whored out for bertflex!" depending on the level of lesbianism displayed.

9:32 Tony: "Wings are fuckin' dumb!"

9:32 Justin (for clarification purposes): "Unless they're covered in hot sauce and you're eating them.

9:34 The call is made to friend of the site, Thomas Richards. Live from Ohio...Thomas is NOT watching it.

9:34 In the middle of Justin/Thomas' conversation, Tony says, "You know what's sexy? Not ribs." (I thought I looked kinda sexy while eating ribs, but Tony clarified that he was talking about ribs protruding out of a woman's body. Oh...)

9:35 Thomas is not watching because he 1) forgot and 2) is watching Seinfeld season 7 on DVD with his wife. He tries to explain to the group what "wife time" is, but Justin, Tony, and I are confused.

9:36 IHOP commercial. $4.99 for the pancake surrender. I think we drooled more over the pancakes than the ridiculously hot models.

9:38 Ho hum, it's a stupid preview for the 10 o'clock news. Blah blah blah...Holy crap, there was a "Street Fight" tonight! And an "Out Of Control Raft!" We have no idea what the voice-over said, since the tv was on mute, but this could be some awesome news coming up. I point out that it's pretty likely that Leonard Little was driving the raft.

9:38 Back to the show, except Justin Timberlake is singing.

9:40 I point out that it looks like the runway is made of the grasstro-turf the Rams play on.

9:42 JT is still singing, and the models are dancing backstage. Tony thinks that they do more movements to that song than they would do in bed. There are no objections to the theory that models are "dead fish." But I'd sure like to find out for you guys just to make sure.

9:43 Tony: "If I was queer, I'd be a good backup dancer."

9:44 The models reveal their "Lord of the Rings Collection." Dorks everywhere are even more upset that they'll never get to experience an actual woman wearing these outfits.


9:45 Justin ponders the location of one model's vagina. (Anyone have a tenth grade health book?)

9:46 Tony is really pissed about wings now.

9:47 Larry Conners cannot wait to deliver this news tonight! Well, after he rubs one out.

9:48 (Justin takes over the notes while Shaun calls Josh)

9:48 Josh is not interested in the boobies. He's gay.

9:50 Tony's ass holds a press conference explaining why it hates him.

9:51 Rev. Sweet Release and his choir are in attendance.

9:53 Tony: "If a girl weighs less than 100 pounds, there is no need to wear a corset."

9:57 The models gather together at the end of the show. Tony: "How many abortions are on stage?" (Justin and Shaun are appalled and shocked and have no response)


After the show, we see that Beauty and the Geek is on MTV. We hear the quote "It's Josh's time to shine." A lot of mean and degrading comments were made towards Josh. He doesn't need to read them, he knows how we feel.

And that's it. Hoped you enjoyed it. You should attend next time; it's much funnier and offensive that way.

Peace out.

(photos courtesy of entertainment tonight and hollywoodtuna.com)

Let's Read Larry Coker's Mail...

November 29, 2006

Dear University of Miami,

You have been invited to THE MOST raucous, ass-kicking, earth-shattering event of the year: The MPC Computers Bowl! One month from now, your school's football team has the opportunity to make history by participating in the most important bowl game ever to be played with the title "MPC Computers" in it! Just think about the excitement that this historic event will bring to your athletic community.

To show how serious we are about extending this invitation to you, we did our research. It shows that your team has played in bowl games in the past, some of which had National Championship implications. And about 40% of the National Football League is made up of Miami alumni.

The difference between those teams and this year's team is that they will never, ever, have the life-changing experience of playing in the MPC Computers Bowl on December 31st. Only elite programs like your 6-6 Hurricanes are considered for such honors.

Some of the aforementioned players have gone home with rings and bags of money after winning their respective bowl games. But if you can withstand the challenge laid out by Nevada (8-4), we will proudly honor every member of your team with a free weekend pass to the 2007 MPC Computers Convention.

If that is not enough incentive to accept this invitation, the game will be played in Boise, ID, where the average high temperature on New Year's Eve is 35 degrees. If that isn't perfect football weather, we don't know what is. Also the stadium that you'll be playing at features blue astroturf. Yes, blue! It's like you are playing in the future. The fuuuuturree...

Please respond to this invitation at your earliest convenience. Most collegiate teams in Division I and a lot from Division II would jump at this opportunity. Contact our service hotline at 877-894-5695 and hold on the line until we take your call.


Sincerely,

your friends at MPC Computers, LLC