12.22.2006

Ho Yeah

Hey little boys and girls, it's your buddy Santa here! One of the nice young lads at this jolly ol' website asked me to write a short column about what's going on at the North Pole. Even though it's our busy time of the year (see you in three days!), Santa always makes time for his friends. Plus it is not too often that I am the one behind the words; I do enjoy reading all those letters, but I like to sit behind the old keyboard too.

I know you'd expect me to comment on something like the best toys to bring children this year, or the type of milk and cookies I enjoy snacking on while you are nestled in bed. No, there's something that I've wanted to get off my chest for a while now, and why not tell all the happy boys and girls of bertflex-land: I love hot slutty women.

Oh man, where do I start? I mean, you Americans have been on a roll there in the past couple months. Just off the top of my head, you've got Britney Spears hanging out with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, running around with no underwear on? That's like the All Star game of party sluts hanging out together. For you sports dorks out there, the only historical trio that comes close was Bird, Magic, and Jordan when they smoked some dudes in the '92 Olympics. As a matter of fact, those girls were smoking some dudes of their own last time I came to West Hollywood.

You know the whole naughty or nice thing I tell you about? Let's just say Brit, Paris, and Lindsay are getting a bunch of shit from me Christmas morning.

Then a couple days ago we find out about Miss USA getting drunk and making out with Miss Teen USA. Let me tell you kids a little secret about Santa. Remember when I said I love hot slutty women? I really love hot slutty women who get drunk and make out with each other.

I bet you didn't know that I always hire some lesbian elves for this very reason. Hey it's the North Pole--not a lot happening up here in July.

But I'm glad Mr. Trump didn't relieve her of her crown, he'll be rewarded for that come Monday. He, like the rest of the men of your country, saw what a great role model she is for young women, and her lesbian desires should not be distracted by some argument over a silly pageant title. Don't worry guys, I know for a fact she still likes you. But get a little booze in her and she'll let another Miss USA stick her tongue in her U-Know-What.

Then the news broke yesterday about Miss Nevada and some "racy" pictures that were released of her. You can view them on www.tmz.com (she's the one in red) but they've got those pesky red stars blocking out the good stuff. Oh well, can't win them all. That is, unless you're me. I'm putting someone else in charge of the gift wrapping and hanging out with this chick tonight. It's Friday, she ain't got no job, and she ain't got shit to do. That means lots of drinking and whoring. I'll let you know how it goes.

As for this article, I'm not sure how to end this except by saying that I encourage all you young ladies out there to slut it up as much as you can! Santa is always watching...

1 comment:

Big Head said...

Ho Ho Ho's. All I can envision is the classic "Nip/Tuck" segment of a drunk Santa getting a BJ from one of his elves in the back...classic