My Elaborate Plan...Ruined

Unfortunately Barry Bonds has re-signed with the Giants to play at least one more season in the bigs. I say "unfortunately" because I spent months constructing the following plan, and was mere hours away from presenting it to Walt Jocketty and the Cardinals' brass.

It was a plan that would have brought one of the greatest professional athletes of all time to our city. And we blew it. Had this plan been carried out to perfection, I would have been known as the most awesome person in the history of the universe. But destiny was not on my side this time, thus I reveal my plan saddened by what could have been...

I’ve had hopes that we sign free agent-to-be Barry Bonds since the end of the 2006 season. Because of the baggage, I will assume that no one bites on Barry right away and we give him about $7 million to play left in 2007. The huge marketing campaign begins immediately about how he’s going to break the home run record as a Cardinal. If you like baseball history at all, can you imagine him hitting #756—in a Cardinal uniform!

Spring training goes really well and the players and coaching staff all talk about how much they love Bonds and can’t wait to get the season started with him on the club.

Then comes opening day, April 1st. Luckily the game vs. the Mets is on ESPN for everyone to witness this historic moment. There is a buzz in the air as Barry Freakin’ Bonds is about to make his debut as a Cardinal.

Starter Chris Carpenter is done with his warmup pitches and we’re ready to go. He takes the sign from Molina, and just as he’s about to throw the first pitch of the season, Tony LaRussa calls time from the dugout.

He points out to left field and starts waving Bonds in. Then looks to his right and says "Schumaker, go in." That’s right, Barry gets pulled for Skip Schumaker before a pitch is thrown.

As Barry takes the 250 foot walk of shame into the Cardinals' dugout, everyone in the stadium pelts him with batteries, VCR's, or any other objects of their choice. And there's no doubt that the fans of Cardinal Nation would deliver the loudest boos ever recorded in the history of mankind. We'd even fly in some fans from Philly, New York, and Scotland, in order to guarantee that the fans delivered enough hate.

At this point you probably don't think it could get better, but trainer Barry Weinberg has a suitcase already packed for Bonds sitting on the top step of the dugout. Peace out Barry, you are officially retired.


I know I’m a jerk, but it would have been the best 7 million ever spent.