LiveBlog Virgins No More

The staff of BertFlex has been waiting for an event so important that it absolutely had to be LiveBlogged. That night finally came Wednesday. The event was the (pre-recorded) Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

Nothing better than hearing what big dorks have to say about the most beautiful women in the world, so here goes.

Your participants are Tony, Justin, and Shaun--all live from Tony's place.

9:00pm The show starts, but we're not watching yet.

9:09 We're still playing NCAA Baseball on PS2. Off to a fantastic start! Oh, Tony hits a walk-off in the 9th with Freshman Shaun Kennedy. Game over. Boneless Wings win. Th-uh-uh-uh-uhhh Boneless Wings Win!

9:11 Enough of the MASH-ion Show that cyber-Shaun put on, let's watch the Fashion Show!

9:12 There is a segment about the models' personal life. Not a good sign 12 minutes into the show. The girls are talking about how they've never received lingerie as a gift. They seem confused why men never give them lingerie.

I'll look past the fact that you get it for free. The truth is that we'd love to get our wives and girlfriends lingerie for every gift, even Columbus Day. It's just been beaten into our heads that we never ever ever ever get it right.

9:14 I record this voice memo: "Tony finally mutes the TV, cuz these bitches are talkin' too much. This is kind of like FOX telling us Carlos Beltran having two dogs named Fluffy and Muffin. Nobody cares! Oh now they're back to the boobies." (Tony laughs) Justin says, "I seen it."

(keep in mind from here on, we did not have the audio on. We watched the show on mute, and listened to CD's.)

9:15 Another voice memo: Shaun says "Justin, what do you think about that?" Justin says, "I'm in love right now."

9:15 Angry, and incoherent voice memo: "SON of a (bleeping) (bleep)!! AARRRRHHH!! They just (bleeping) showed DEREK JETER. (Bleep) He's in the front row isn't he? (Bleep)

(tony finally gets me some paper to write this golden material on)

9:16 Tony just got out of the bathroom about a half hour ago, and his ass was literally on fire. He does not learn his lesson and goes back to eating pizza with lots of meat and jalapenos.

9:16 Tony points out that the models have gone to a poker-related theme (above). If it was possible to make them hotter, this did the trick.

9:17 Shaun says that Luol Deng is modeling tonight. Quite offensive moment, but of all the things said here, that's the only thing I feel comfortable typing.

9:18 Commercial break.

9:24 And we're back...finally

9:26 The long awaited line of sexy Flight Attendant costumes and lingerie is revealed. Justin is hungry for peanuts.

9:27 Another lame segment of the models NOT ON THE RUNWAY. This time we see things through the eyes of the "Angel Cam." Tony is mad that one of them throws like a girl. Nobody's perfect Tony.

Bright Idea Time: Tony suggests we need to go places and throw out free shit to people. Doesn't matter how crappy the item is, people love getting free stuff thrown to them. I added that we add a camera and videotape it for bertflex.com. Tony thinks that we should give out cheap bertflex t-shirts to girls when they make out with each other. I bring my amazing marketing skills to the table and say that the shirts should say "I made out for bertflex!" or "I whored out for bertflex!" depending on the level of lesbianism displayed.

9:32 Tony: "Wings are fuckin' dumb!"

9:32 Justin (for clarification purposes): "Unless they're covered in hot sauce and you're eating them.

9:34 The call is made to friend of the site, Thomas Richards. Live from Ohio...Thomas is NOT watching it.

9:34 In the middle of Justin/Thomas' conversation, Tony says, "You know what's sexy? Not ribs." (I thought I looked kinda sexy while eating ribs, but Tony clarified that he was talking about ribs protruding out of a woman's body. Oh...)

9:35 Thomas is not watching because he 1) forgot and 2) is watching Seinfeld season 7 on DVD with his wife. He tries to explain to the group what "wife time" is, but Justin, Tony, and I are confused.

9:36 IHOP commercial. $4.99 for the pancake surrender. I think we drooled more over the pancakes than the ridiculously hot models.

9:38 Ho hum, it's a stupid preview for the 10 o'clock news. Blah blah blah...Holy crap, there was a "Street Fight" tonight! And an "Out Of Control Raft!" We have no idea what the voice-over said, since the tv was on mute, but this could be some awesome news coming up. I point out that it's pretty likely that Leonard Little was driving the raft.

9:38 Back to the show, except Justin Timberlake is singing.

9:40 I point out that it looks like the runway is made of the grasstro-turf the Rams play on.

9:42 JT is still singing, and the models are dancing backstage. Tony thinks that they do more movements to that song than they would do in bed. There are no objections to the theory that models are "dead fish." But I'd sure like to find out for you guys just to make sure.

9:43 Tony: "If I was queer, I'd be a good backup dancer."

9:44 The models reveal their "Lord of the Rings Collection." Dorks everywhere are even more upset that they'll never get to experience an actual woman wearing these outfits.

9:45 Justin ponders the location of one model's vagina. (Anyone have a tenth grade health book?)

9:46 Tony is really pissed about wings now.

9:47 Larry Conners cannot wait to deliver this news tonight! Well, after he rubs one out.

9:48 (Justin takes over the notes while Shaun calls Josh)

9:48 Josh is not interested in the boobies. He's gay.

9:50 Tony's ass holds a press conference explaining why it hates him.

9:51 Rev. Sweet Release and his choir are in attendance.

9:53 Tony: "If a girl weighs less than 100 pounds, there is no need to wear a corset."

9:57 The models gather together at the end of the show. Tony: "How many abortions are on stage?" (Justin and Shaun are appalled and shocked and have no response)

After the show, we see that Beauty and the Geek is on MTV. We hear the quote "It's Josh's time to shine." A lot of mean and degrading comments were made towards Josh. He doesn't need to read them, he knows how we feel.

And that's it. Hoped you enjoyed it. You should attend next time; it's much funnier and offensive that way.

Peace out.

(photos courtesy of entertainment tonight and hollywoodtuna.com)

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