Who's Shitty

Hello again ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our weekly feature on bertflex.com: the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report from Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert. Once again, we'll dive into the mailbag to answer all your fantasy questions, and hopefully yours will get answered. Even better, Tony might even call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

As always, we'll use a badass picture of Tony. I've officially titled this one: "Mark Flex-eira."

I personally think this column needs many more pictures of me looking like a total badass. I guess the words "pictures of me" and "looking like a total badass" are redundant though. I mean, look at those guns. Seriously, I need my own zipcode. A HUGE zipcode.



1. (Ann--Madison, WI) Here's my sick lineup in fantasy-- Mauer, Pujols, Figgins, Chavez, Barmes, Kearns, Granderson, Mench. Giambi is my utility guy right now. My bench is Edmonds, Floyd, and Hillenbrand. Look in your crystal ball and tell me who will be the shittiest of them all... is there anyone I should be on the look-out for that would be any better than this group?! I'm in a deep league with 12 people so there's no one left of any current value.

P.S. I also have Shilling, Mussina, Nathan, and B.J. Ryan, who aren't shitty, and various other pitchers who ARE shitty right now but shouldn't be by the end of the season (i.e. Hudson & Isringhausen). Needless to say I'm already dominating my league and shouldn't fall out of 1st place, EVER!

Well I'm glad you have a mashing infield. Who cares? Your outfield is horrible. It looks like one of my Frankenstein outfields. In fact this squad bears a resemblence to one of my teams, so don't get all high and mighty about your great team. There's alot of season left.

Kearns is a bum, Edmonds would strike out against me, and Joe Mauer would be a great prospect if he was still 22. Too bad he's not. Isringhausen is done and Hudson has been awful this year. Good luck with that squad. I don't think you'll even finish top 3. Jerk.

Is Brewers Guy in that league with you? If so, I want to fight with him some more. If not, I still want to fight with him some more. Send him this way. He is amusing to me.

2. (Joel--the ILL side) I've got 7 pitchers that play in the city of Chicago. What are your thoughts on having a bunch of guys from the same team (in this case two teams) on your fantasy squad?

I think it's great that you have so many Chicago pitchers on your staff. I'm sure you love that since you are all about the Cubs and you are now a bandwagon White Sox fan. Most of them are probably hurt anyway so it doesn't matter. I know the Sox did it with pitching last year but that time is over. They actually score runs now so they don't need pitching anymore. As for the Cubs, they never have healthy pitching so you don't need to worry about that. In other words, they're all shitty and you're screwed.

3. (Justin Other Pellegrino--Alton, IL) I've got problems brewing in the ATL: Marcus Giles and Tim Hudson are killing me. They are too good to cut. Can I trade either one right now? Maybe for a sandwich? What would you do?

I find it funny that Giles and I injured the same finger on the same day. He hurt his in practice. I hurt mine after finding out he got hurt and giving him the finger. Like him, I refuse to go on the DL and will keep hitting .215 until it heals. Hard to trade Giles until he gets the numbers up unless you like taking 25 cents on the dollar for him. Aaron Miles might be available in your league. Wow, I just typed that.

Hudson has been AWFUL since coming to the Braves. Napolean Lackey would have been a much better pick. I don't know what you were thinking when you took Hudson. He's shitty and is way past his prime. I can't believe that we thought he was any good a couple of years ago.

If you could trade either of them for a sandwich right now, I'd do it. You likely won't get a very good sandwich, but hold out for something better than Pastrami. Grilled cheese would probably be a good trade. You MIGHT be able to get a Ham and Cheese, but that's a stretch. And don't even think of trying to get something with bacon on it for them. That's just ludicrious.

4. (Samuel L. J.--Hollywood, CA) Tony Haven't Ya Eva Seeeen My Movies!!?? I Got A Good One For Ya: Snakes On A Plane! That's Right Snakes On A Plane Mothafucka!! Why's Barry Bonds so shitty?!

I got the inside scoop on Bonds this year and it's all a big conspiracy. It's a ruse put on by ESPN to try and get the ratings up for "Bonds on Bonds." Ok, listen closely because this is how it's gonna go down... Bonds is going to break Ruth's record at home against the Dodgers and since MLB is not going to have a celebration for him, he's going to have a celebration his-own-self. He's gonna hijack a microphone and tell everyone that since he's hit more home runs than every white man who ever lived, he has accomplished his life's work and can now retire. He'll take off his Giants jersey to reveal his Black Panthers t-shirt and try to rally the masses into revolt by quoting Malcolm X.

At this point Jeff Kent will get so enraged (since Kent's a racist) that he will shoot Bonds with the rifle he carries on road trips with him (rednecks all have rifles). In the ensuing chaos, ESPN executives will escape with Bonds' body and hide him away for the next few months while reporting on his death. Jeff Kent will be sent to Guantanimo as a terrorist. After ESPN has had the time to promote and release the 42-DVD set of "Bonds on Bonds-Uncut" and market it with twice the ferver with which they promote the NFL Draft, Bonds will come out of hiding and the whole drama will be revealed to be a ruse.

Bonds will hold a press conference, the first line of which is "Ha ha! I got yo' ass!" He will go on to tell that this entire scheme has been his dream since he saw "The Naked Gun" and was scarred for life when Reggie Jackson tried to kill the Queen of England. He saw that Jackson's portrayal as a murderer would caused all black outfielders to be viewed with hate and contempt by the white media (and Pedro Gomez). He knew that it was his divine mission to avenge this travesty of justice. When Bernie Miklasz interrupts Bonds and brings up how much black outfielder Willie McGee is loved by the white media, Vince Coleman stabs Miklasz in the face, for emphasis.

And that is how history will remember Barry Bonds. The upside for you, Sammy Jax, is that you'll get to play him in the movie version.

5. (Andy--the ILL side) I took Derrek Lee with the first overall pick in my draft. Comfort me.

Here's the best I can tell you: at least you're only out $20 and it's not a keeper league. Think of how distraught you'd be if you realized you were stuck with Derrek Lee for the next 10 seasons. You'd probably throw yourself off a cliff. I think Josh summed it up best at the draft with quite possibly the best war room conversation ever.

Josh: Who made your draft list?
Andy: I did.
Josh: Man, don't trust that guy.

You'll do better next year, especially if you do like I did at that draft and just ask Shaun and Josh who to pick. Learn from your mistakes this season, and realize that your mistake was thinking that you knew anything. I've learned this the last few years myself and look at my teams. Especially the last place squad I'm rolling out in York's league. You'll be fine, just be sure to pay your league fees in advance for the next couple of years.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Jerk Of The Day

Today's winner goes to me! My moments of jerk-ness tend to happen when I've got other people around as witnesses. This is a rare occasion where my inner jerk came out naturally, with no one around.

Minutes ago while walking over to Subway for lunch, I had a brief conversation with an old lady on the sidewalk. It went like this:

"Hi sir, we're trying to get the minimum wage raised in the state of Missouruhh."

"It's pronounced MISSOUREE!"


And I kept walking to Subway. If you're out there reading this, and you make minimum wage--my bad. Blame her.

Early Submission for Quote of the Year

Darius Miles, in an interview with Jason Quick of the Portland Oregonian:

"Yeah, you probably smelled liquor on me before. But it's not like I'm at practice drunk. I'm totally focused. I don't care if you come to practice and take a shower, once you go to practice and start sweating, it's going to come out. That doesn't mean you aren't focused or ready to practice. Like you might go out, you might get drunk, and come to the gym higher than a mother, and you sweating, you smell like liquor, and you interviewing everybody. What does that mean? You still 100 percent focused. That's just ridiculous. Ask any other team, little petty stuff like that, if you ask any other coach in the NBA if they smell liquor on a player, any coach would say, `Every year."

"I'm drunk right now."- D. Miles

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a new feature on bertflex.com: the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report from Tony Pellegrino, webmaster for this site and fantasy expert. Every week, we'll dive into the mailbag to answer all your fantasy questions, and hopefully yours will get answered. Even better, Tony might even call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

Before we get to your questions, here's a badass picture of Tony, just like our friends at Yahoo.com are famous for:







1. (Jeremy--STL) Tony! I need saves bad! Who are some guys that could become closers later on this year?

First thing you have to consider when trying to vulture some cheap saves is "Which current closers are shitty?" Three names that come to mind quickly are Chris Reitsma, David Weathers, and Jason Isringhausen. Of these three, Reitsma and Weathers have some backups who might be worth a look. Joey Devine is backing up Reitsma in Atlanta and I like Todd Coffey to take over for Weathers in Cincinnati.

Then again, if you're that concerned about saves, maybe you should have taken 3 closers in the first 5 rounds. Oh wait, you did. On third thought, you could offer me Brady Clark for Jon Papelbon and see if I'm as dumb as you smell. Oh wait, you did that too.

2. (J-York--Dallas) My rotation is Roy Oswalt and Pray for Rain. I'm in a pretty deep league--who are some guys I can look to on the waiver wire to help me out?

I could give you some names like Eric Milton or Vincente Padilla, but they all suck anyway. What you really need to do is start playing for next year now. Wah and the Azzkickers aren't going to get you into the money this year, so you should trade Oswalt for a couple of bats. You may even check around your league and see if anyone has a man-crush on Oswalt. In fact, I know a guy who might be able to help you out. Any interest in Lance Berkman?


3. (Shaun--Hazelwood) What up T? Now that you've seen Chris Shelton's gut...are you a fan? What final numbers can I expect from him this season?

He definately has "truck driver" potential. After going over his minor league weights, I've got him projected out between Cindy Ponson and Matt Stairs on the truck driver scale. If he would grow some bad facial hair or start smoking like his manager Jim Leyland, he could be John Jaha but that's like saying that if I was a little faster and drank more, I could be Babe Ruth.

As far as his on-field performance, since he's on your fantasy team, he'd better put up numbers exactly the same as Brian Roberts did last year after his monster April or I will kick you in the nuts.

4. (Jack Bauer--L.A.) Tony, I need the schematics for who you think is just off to a slow start, or should I dump them right now? I'm thinking Beltre, Francouer, Colon, and Lieber. There's not much time! I don't care what the President thinks!

Jack, THANK YOU for bringing up so many of my least favorite players in one message! Oh yeah, thanks for saving the country from terrorists and stuff too. Also, are you related to Rangers pitcher Rick Bauer? 'Cause that would be awesome.

After watching Beltre, I'm convinced he was on steroids for his good season. He looks like he's lost about 30 pounds since he was good. I'm almost as sure about Beltre juicing as Andy Walters is about Pujols juicing, making me 99.9% certain that Beltre is SHITTY.

Jeff Francouer reminds me of a younger Tony Pellegrino without the power. However, he makes up for that by being more patient at the plate. He's also got a gun in right field, which reminds me of myself a few years ago. I'd say he projects out to Lyle Overbay on the high side and Jim Lindeman on the low side.

Fartolo Cologne just went on the 15 day DL yesterday, which is the best thing you can hope for this year. As someone who received 200 innings of 5.00 ERA from Cologne two seasons ago, you don't want any of that. I know he won a Cy Young last year, shut up about it already. Plenty of shitty guys have won Cy Youngs. Cologne is "plenty of shitty guys" all by himself.

Considering that Lieber is 36 years old, had one decent season in his career, plays for a bad Phillies team in a tiny ballpark and loves serving up home runs, EVERYONE should own him. Everyone in my league except me, that is.
And that brings us to the Tony Pellegrino "STAT OF THE DAY"
243 = number of career HRs allowed by Jon Lieber.
239 = number of career HRs hit by Richie Sexson.
Bonus Stat: HOFer Roberto Clemente hit 240 career HRs.

5. (Josh--The Bar) I've got Prince Fielder and Frank Thomas on my team. Who would win in a race between the two?

You've got to take Frank Thomas in that race, man. I mean, he played football for Auburn. Football! He's a football player! And if you don't think that any football player would kick Fielder's fat ass in a race, cards, chess, or RoShamBo, then you're a big dummy and I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast! Football!!! Brett Favre!!

Sorry folks, Sean Salisbury hijacked my column for a minute. Josh, first off, I'm going to assume that you're punting steals with those guys on your team. Good move. Everyone who is not a pussy hates steals and refuses to acknowledge the existence of them. Real men draft MASH. Second, I think that you would win that race Josh. I've seen your 40 time and I think you could take them. Especially if the prize was some Colt 45.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Gosh, my feet hurt!

Apr 20-- Updating previous items, the Associated Press' Gregg Bell reports Texas Rangers OF Kevin Mench (foot) was told by a Dallas-area orthotics specialist he's been wearing his shoes a half-size too small, which was the reason Mench had sprained the second toe on his right foot. Mench will wear orthotic footwear the rest of the season and isn't experiencing any discomfort when walking or running.

Now get out there in your right size shoes and get me some damn RBIs!!

Geez... This is ri-god-damn-diculous! How in the WORLD can you not know what size shoes you wear?! Gosh, my feet hurt sure do hurt all the time and my toes keep ripping through the front of my socks and shoes! Duh.

My Day At The Ballgame

I went to the baseball game today. It was very fun. I got to eat a hot dog and supreme nachos. I saw the Cardinals beat the Reds 8-7. They play in a new stadium. It is really big and neat. I walked around the stadium TWO times! The field looked pretty and scoreboard was really cool. Albert Pujols hit 3 home runs and won the game. He is my favorit-ist Cardinal ever. Overall I had a really fun day at the ballpark.




Sincerely,
Shaun
college graduate/sometimes 10 year-old


ps. These guys are gross:

The New Era Begins

April 10, 2006 was a historic day in the city of St. Louis. After many frustrating years for residents of the city and county, downtown has made it’s first major step in becoming an attractive place for people to visit and enjoy themselves once again. Because of a massive case of urban sprawl, the city of St. Louis is left with a small population in comparison to the suburbs in surrounding counties. But now it seems like downtown is back and happening again! And there is only one place that needs to be given all the credit in the world: Al Hrabosky’s Ballpark Saloon.

After Mr. Hrabosky opened his establishment in 2004, many wondered what this visionary had in mind. According to a survey conducted at Delmar Gardens, at the corner of I-170 and Delmar, there are thousands of problems with the downtown area. Many were quoted as to saying that “all those black folk” make the downtown area an unsafe place to live. “Have you ever seen the news?” spouted Helen Warbermiller. “The crime rate is ridiculous!” The staff of bertflex.com failed to check the statistics, so we’ll take their word on it, since they seemed like experts.

Despite the critics, Al Hrabosky decided to take a chance on his ‘mom and drunk pop’ operation. And it has turned the city around in a short amount of time. On Monday the local base ball participants opened their new sporting field near the Ballpark Saloon. The map below shows in detail what the city looks like from an overhead view:

Hundreds of thousands of people were shown on the news Monday enjoying themselves by Hrabosky’s and this new base ball field. If the local team, known to some as the “Cardinals” have half the success that Hrabosky has had, they will be making profits in no time.

With new businesses sprouting up like dandelions, what could possibly come next to the newer, “hipper” downtown? Only time will tell.

This just in...

Two recent developments have shocked the sporting world: First, in Mississippi, Brett Favre is reportedly "very close" to making a decision regarding whether he will have chicken or steak at a local Applebee’s. For two weeks now, sports writers, Packers Fans, and 17 –year-old waitress Ashley Robbins have been waiting to hear what the football legend/ superhero/ studmuffin will have for dinner. Favre, in a recent statement, underscored the importance of his imminent decision. "The Bourbon Street Steak has always been one of my favorites, but Fiesta Lime Chicken just sounds really tasty right now. I realize that I’ve been sitting in this Applebee’s since March 25th, but I don’t think I could live with myself were I to make the wrong choice here." Although experts are encouraged that he has officially dropped Shrimp Fajitas and Cobb Salad from the list of choices, sources close to our nation’s most beloved god-like dreamboat say that he is no closer to ordering today than he was during the now infamous "Should I eat dessert first?" fiasco on April 2.
In other news, the city of Bristol, Connecticut is in a panic today, as two armed gunmen have locked themselves into the Baseball Tonight studio at ESPN headquarters. The assailants, recently identified as ESPN’s own Mark Schlereth and Sean Salisbury, have already killed Harold Reynolds, Tino Martinez, and two cameramen, and have threatened to kill more hostages if their demands are not met. Schlereth, clad only in green and gold jammies and a "Cheesehead" hat, conducted a televised interview with CNN, expressing his demands: "Brett Favre is a FOOTBALL player. This guy loves to play hard-nosed, smash mouth, grab-ass FOOTBALL…. FOOTBALL!!!!" Sean Salisbury, having used a Bowie knife to carve the number "4" into his chest, clarified, saying "What the F*** is with this baseball S***?!? Can’t you retards understand that the greatest American since Winston Churchill is trying to make a decision, and we owe it to him to tongue his sack until he says otherwise? DAMMIT!!!" When the interviewer responded that Winston Churchill was in fact not an American, Salisbury tore the reporter’s head off and ate it. Salisbury then chased the cameraman around the room, ripping at his own flesh, while Schlereth ejaculated on a Brett Favre bobble-head doll, mumbling the word "football" repeatedly. Venerable baseball analyst Peter Gammons, having recently fled the country in fear, had this to say via telephone interview: "If those guys want to turn Baseball Tonight into the Brett Favre Show, I have no problem with that…. So long as they trade him the Red Sox first."

THE WEEKEND in Review

What is the only think ye need know about "THE WEEKEND"? The picture to the right should explain everything. Well, maybe you do need a little more information. Ok, so as promised there was lots of food and beer. Lots of people got drunk. Justin broke a wooden spoon on my titty. York threw beer bottles and the word hat across the room when Kansas lost, and those in attendance for other York meltdowns thought he was very restrained. There was WAY too much flexing by guys who should never flex anything (we should leave the flexing to Bert). We needed a running scoreboard of "Hard R" versus "Soft A", because it would have been a close race. Justin said "I need a light....light!" approximately 4,256 times in the 4 days.

Draft Notes: York took forever to make every pick, just like he has every year. Jeremy took 3 closers in the first 5 rounds. We laughed at him. A lot. In fact we're still laughing. Jeff Suppan was taken between Conner Jackson and Ryan Zimmerman and everyone bemoaned the fact that Suppan was taken WAY too early. Randy sucks at life but owns Bert Flex for the rest of our natural lives. I hate my team. York's rotation is Roy Oswalt and "Pray For Rain."

MLB Extra Innings = Baseball Heaven

For those who have fantasy teams (and no life), MLB Extra Innings is awesome. Already this week, I have watched games from Anaheim, Texas, San Diego, Los Angeles, Milwaukee, Toronto, Seattle, Houston, Oakland, New York, Baltimore, Philadelphia and Colorado. I feel that this is even impressive considering that my cable was out on monday night and that I actually atended work on these days. Had I been a good baseball fan and blown off work, I could have added 2 more cities to this list.

To illustrate the greatness that is Extra Innings, tonight Shaun and I have the great Seattle-Oakland tilt to look forward to. Why are the two of us excited about this game? Because he owns Felix Hernandez (SEA) and I own Joe Blanton (OAK) in York's fantasy league. This will of course ensure that Shaun and I will ruin our friendship and come to blows over the outcome of tonight's game, and that Josh will get drunk. Wait, Josh getting drunk has nothing to do with this game, yet it is a forgone conclusion nonetheless.

Things I Have Learned in my First Two Days of Extra Innings:

• I hate my fantasy team. This means I will finish in the money.
• I would rather have a team of fun guys I like and finish last than hate my team.
• Milwaukee fans bring cardboard horseheads to the game. Why? They're drunk.
• The YES announcers are GOD-AWFUL! (not a shock to anyone)
• Shaun said "Break Up the Marlins" on the second day of the season
• Tim Wakefield's catcher is horrid, which will be hilarious to watch all season
• I will now watch EVERY Wakefield and R.A. Dickey start the rest of the year
• Josh getting drunk and "exercising" is hilarious... on many levels
• Trying to actually watch an Arizona v. Colorado game WILL make your eyes bleed
• Hearing Vin Scully call Dodgers games alone is worth the price of Extra Innings
• Shaun had his ticket to hell punched after saying that he hates Vin Scully
• Geoff Jenkins and Carlos Lee are lockermates. Brewers annoucers suck.
• Prince Fielder is Rob Deer without the contact...and I love it.
• Prince Fielder is on pace for 378 K's and is my new favorite player
• I own Shaun in RBI Baseball. In related news, Pee Wee Reese will ruin your life
• Fantasy baseball will make friends fight each about how much Tim Hudson sucks
• Fantasy baseball will make Shaun pound tables and say that Brett Myers sucks
• Shaun's "Brett Myers" statement would have been better if he'd pounded his shoe on the table and proclaimed that "Brett Myers sucks! We will bury you!" and then drank some vodka
• According to the YES announcers, the Yankees have not had one decent left-handed starting pitcher between Randy Johnson and Whitey Ford

For the next 180 days, whenever I get off work and think to myself "What am I going to do tonight..." instead of doing something productive like laundry, cleaning, or reading (hah!), I can be all like "Eff a bunch of boring crap, the Devil Rays and Orioles are on! Daniel Cabrera going for Baltimore tonight? And I've got Jay Gibbons and Johnny Gomes playing outfield! This is awesome!"

On second thought, someone schedule an intervention... after reading that last sentence, Extra Innings is going to ruin my life.

Opening Day as a National Holiday?

This post is to celebrate the greatness that is the start of the baseball season. For those of us from the STL, Opening Day should be a paid holiday since everyone who is at work is watching or listening to the game anyway. I'm sure it's like this in other cities but it seems universal in Saint Louis that anyone you see on the street during Opening Day asks you if you've heard the score.

Quick digression--I hate the "Baseball's Best Fans" crap as much as anyone since giving crappy, no-talent white guys standing ovations for striking out doesn't make you baseball's best fans, it just makes you a big homer (Dan McLaughlin)--but I'd venture to say that as a percentage of population, St. Louisans do less work on their team's opening day than any other city in America. That could just be because we're lazy, but come on, we can't be any lazier on the whole than Milwaukee or Cleveland, can we?

I anticipate this lack of work to be even worse on Monday April 10th since we'll be opening our brand new 32,000 seat ballpark and nobody can get tickets. With the myriad of possible ways to follow the game online dicreetly and without your boss seeing (which is ironic because he'll be watching the game too), I conservatively estimate that the Home Opener will cost St. Louis businesses approximately $33, 168,648.00. I propose that next year, we'd be better to just cancel work so that I can stay home and watch the game on TV, um, I mean, so that the St. Louis economy doesn't suffer this huge loss of productivity. Join me, people of St. Louis!

Come on, at least my idea is a better initiative to get behind than this, and they've already got like 3,000 signatures (GROSS!). If any if you come out in support of "Retire 51" I'll break your legs.

WrestleMania 22 Results: When I'm right, I'm right...When I'm wrong, nevermind

I got 8 out of 11 picks right. Ashton Kutcher has nothing on me, I'm awesome! Let's just have a look at each match and see how I did.

Tag-Team Championship: Champions Kane and Big Show def. Carlito and Chris Masters
First match in, and I got it one wrong, but that doesn't make it right. Cueball and Big Slow retain the belts and will continue to do nothing with them. By next month, no one will even realize there's a tag team title on RAW, and the belts will fade into obscurity. Kinda like the one-legged wrestler that used to be on SmackDown. Remember him? Exactly.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: RVD def. Lashley, Finley, Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, and Ric Flair
I was right, I'm awesome! The Whole F'n Show came through for me. Let's just hope when he "cashes in" it pays off more than it did for Edge. Personally, I thought it would've been great if he'd "cashed in" at the end of the show after the WWE title match with Cena and HHH, but I'm asking for too much I guess.

US Championship: JBL def. Champion Chris Benoit
Wrong again here. JBL snuck away with the win when, and let me make sure I get it right...Benoit reversed the Clothesline from Hell into the Crippler Crossface and JBL reversed that into a sort of Northern Lights pin while using the ropes for leverage (which is cheating, for those who don't know). Never knew the rich white guy had it in him.

Hardcore Match: Edge def. Mick Foley
Holy @#$%!!! Blood, bats, barbed wire, thumbtacks, and a flaming table. The only WWE match I've seen that was more brutal was the infamous Mankind/Undertaker Hell in a Cell. Mick even made Mr. Socko hardcore by wrapping barbed wire around him.

Handicap Match: Booker T and Sharmell VS The Boogeyman
Right again. I'm awesome, yeah you know it. Boogeyman scored the victory with a Baldo Bomb and a mouthful of worms.

Women's Championship: Mickie James def. Champion Trish Stratus
Right again, why am I so kickass? This was a pretty historical match in that it was the first to ever have a finish that involved crotch grabbing and finger licking. Wonder if GLAD will endorse Mickie after what WWE did to them a year or so ago?

Casket Match: Undertaker def. Mark Henry
I was right, but no one cares. Just like no one cared about this match. Utter crap. It was pointless going in. It was pointless during it. And it was pointless afterward. Taker remains undefeated at WrestleMania with his streak at 14-0, but I bet he would've rather ended his career with a loss in a world title match instead of carrying a 400 pound man who lookes like the Predator around the ring.

No Holds Barred Match: Shawn Michaels def. Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon and the entire Spirt Squad
Yes, Shawn single-handedly defeated seven people. And yes, I was right here, too. Shawn had to handcuff Shane to the ring ropes to keep him front interfering, but apparantly the Spirit Sqad members are so fragile that a punch to the face renders them all unconcious until the match's conclusion. After taking a 20-foot elbow drop and Sweet Chin Music, Vince was wheeled to the back still giving Shawn the finger, which means the feud isn't over, which means we still get to see Vince show his ass on television.

World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match: Rey Mysterio def. Rando Orton and Champion Kurt Angle
Right again. This should've been the Main Event, but none of the contenders were Vince's son-in-law. Rey pinned Orton after he and Orton both tapped out to Angle's Ankle Lock, but the ref didn't see it either time. Funny how that works out. This was probably the match of the night, and it's cool to see Rey as World Champ. Even if it's just temporary.

Playboy Pillow Fight: Torrie Wilson def. Candace Michelle
Who won? Torrie? Did anyone care? Both women ended up in their skivvies. Like we haven't seen that before... Not that I'm complaining, though.

WWE Championship: Champion John Cena def. HHH
Wrong here. Big time. In the most jaw-dropped moment in wrestling history, HHH jobbed clean to Cena by tapping out. Yes, Hunter did the job. Clean. Did I mention he lost? At WrestleMania?

So there you have it. WrestleMania 22 is officially in the books, so to speak. And I can say I got to see all of it: Shane getting his faced shoved up Vince's ass, Boogeyman eating worms, the Predator getting locked in a casket, and the first intentional wrestling female-to-female crotch grab in history.

"Hallelujah."