Evan Longoria: Ladies' Choice

If there's anything the ladies love more than a guy with a complete collection of Simpsons DVDs -- well, obviously there's nothing the ladies love more than that. But running a close second is whoever ranks as the No. 1 MLB prospect in all of the land. Today, that man appears to be none other than Evan Longoria (at least according to Keith Law, whose mugshot has "perp" written all over it). 

So it should come as no surprise that Longoria was spotted in downtown St. Charles on Thursday night. Reports indicate that the future Rays 3B was running trains on some of Lindenwood's easiest co-eds.

"You know how it is," Longoria said. "Sluts want the horsecock that's got Keith Law's seal of approval. And I have that horsecock in these Levis you see before you."

Not everyone in the drinking establishment was smitten. One quite vocal young man wearing a shirt emblazoned with the likeness of Bill James insisted that Longoria wasn't "all that," pointing out that Baseball Prospectus ranked Jay Bruce No. 1. 

Longoria responded that Kevin Goldstein could "lick my balls when this fat bitch is done with them."

Predictions for 2008 Cardinals

Cardinals will have less arms than Iraq

Cardinals will score less than Justin at Bubby and Sissy's

Cesar Izturis just robbed a Brinks truck

Jim Edmonds thinks the Cardinals will strike out ALOT

The Royals laugh at the Cardinals' lineup

John Ulett, while on the mic, will turn and go "Who the fuck is at shortstop?". In turn, John Whodafuk will trot out and bat 8th.

Walt Jocketty will walk through the dugout, look at TLR, and slap him.

Bertflex will go yard 47 times...and set the record for solo homeruns in one season with 47.

John Mozeliak will scout Sandlot Slam and sign Tony to a contract of only Hardee's Thickburgers.

John Mozeliak will also win the first ever Robert Wadlow look alike contest defeating Wadlow himself!

The Cardinals will hire Ron Popeil to try to sell tickets. Unfortunately, they will be "as and added bonus" (aka AAAB) to his knives.

RAW Is a Waste of Time

As always, I half-watched while also surfing the net for ... umm ... stuff.

1) Cena's back. It appears he and Randy Orton will feud for the right to wear the championship buzzcut. If not for Cena's jorts, it would be hard to tell the two of them apart.

2) Not actually RAW, but: There was a Harlem Globetrotters game on My 46. Color commentary man: Arsenio Hall. The 'Trotters only won by nine points. It's not too late to jump on the Generals' bandwagon.

3) The RAW announce team now includes sideline reporter Mike Adamle, formerly of "American Gladiators." Can he fill Todd Pettengill's shoes?

4) Switching back and forth between RAW and the State of the Union Address. I kept waiting for a "You fucked up" chant, but no dice. There were a few "Bush Fears Goldberg" signs, though.

5) Cognitive dissonance: I watch RAW, but have no interest whatsoever in UFC.

6) DX re-union! Sorry, fellas, but without "Badass" Billy Gunn (aka, the Assman), you're nothing to me. It doesn't seem very X-treme for Triple H to wear an adjustable baseball cap. Get that shit fitted, son. And wear it backwards. Also: Neon green? That's right up there with the Hitman's poontang pink as worst color scheme ever. And then when you talk about getting ready to suck it ...

7) Fun fact: Snitsky is a former Mizzou Tiger football player.

8) Hottest current WWE chick: Beth Phoenix. You could disagree, but you'd be wrong.

9) Some time around 9:00 I realized that I'm no better than the thousands of other Inter-nerds who write RAW reports. Major soul-searching followed.

10) Maybe this just reveals my ignorance in the field of fake leprechauns, but why is Hornswaggle's face always dirtier than a pair of Britney Spears' panties?

11) What the hell do you call those things that Brian Kendrick wears to the ring? They aren't shorts, they're not pants, and I don't think it's a skirt. It looks like he went shopping at a Renaissance fair or something.

12) Two chick matches in one night? That's a lot of puppies. Not to mention JBL's.

14) I'm superstitious.

15) Turn Back the Clock: The mic skills of the Ultimate Warrior.

16) I'm just saying: When did the Walls of Jericho become just a boring-ass Boston crab? It used to be cooler. ... Oops, Jericho just lost. I guess you could say he "went down in a blaze of glory."

17) I just figured out what John Cena's shoulderblock reminds me of: Ram Man.

Well, that's two hours I'll never get back.

Schmuck, Jobber, or Douche? John Mozeliak

Part of being a major league GM is dealing with criticism from the media -- even media that has no credibility or qualifications whatsoever. With that in mind, it's time to turn the spotlight on new Cards GM John Mozeliak.

Let's start with a rundown of the moves he has made so far this offseason. At least, the ones that I can remember without doing any research or legwork of my own (the only difference between Jay Mariotti and me is the eyebrows). In no particular order:

• Traded Jim Edmonds to the Padres for a left testicle.
  
• Traded Scott Rolen to the Blue Jays for Troy Glaus, a case of Labatt, and a Rush best-of.
  
• Let David Eckstein walk, causing Cardinal Nation to fret about what utterly average white guy it would cheer for in the future.
  
• Re-signed Aaron Miles for $1.4 million, roughly three times what they could have paid Brendan Ryan to suck just as much (if not a little less).
  
• Signed Cezar Izturis for $2.85 million. And not the good Cezar Izturis. Wait, there is no good Cezar Izturis.
  
• Signed Jason LaRue to serve as Joel Pineiro's personal catcher (if you know what I mean).
  
• Signed Matt Clement's goatee.
  
• Drafted Brian Barton in the Rule V draft, which is generally regarded as far inferior to the Rule IV draft, in which American GMs travel to the Soviet Union to face Ivan Drago.
  

With a few weeks to go before pitchers and catchers report, the Cards have a rotation of Wainwright/Pineiro/Looper/Clement/? and a lineup that features The Mang, a chaw-chewing trophy-humper, a Steve Blass-turned-outfielder, a third baseman who kind of looks like Bruce Campbell, and a bunch of Quadruple-A out machines. And yet Mozeliak pretends like the Cards have a chance to compete in '08.

You can't look at this team, and then look at the Brewers and Cubs, and tell me we have a chance to win. If we're gonna suck (and we are), tell me how we're building for the future. Tell me how the minors are important, how we're developing our own talent to take us into the next decade.

Don't sign Cezar Izturis and act like it's an improvement. 

Schmuck.

Busted: Chris Bon Jericho

Ever since Chris Jericho made his triumphant return to the WWE (that might be going a little far -- some crowds have given him a positively Hugh Morrus-like response), something about him has bothered me. Maybe it was the wallet chain. Maybe it was his crap-ass new finishing move, which looks like it would actually hurt him more than his opponent. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it (that's what she said).

Last night, watching a re-run of SNL, I figured it out. Chris Jericho stole Jon Bon Jovi's hair.

I present video evidence.

Mr. Jericho: You, sir, are busted!

FutureSmack: A Warning to Our Future Trivia Night Opponents

Dear Sir or Madam,

The members of this website have participated in numerous trivia nights over the past few years. For the most part we've held our own, but we come out on the losing end almost every time. I recall winning the inaugural Delta Sigma Pi Trivia Night (2002ish) in which we each took home the illustrious 1st place prize of a Trivial Pursuit board game. Since then we've been on an ugly losing streak. But before you go crowning us the David Duval of Trivia Nights, you need to realize that we are still in the baby stages of our TN careers.

10 years from now, it is going to be sick how dominant we are at Trivia Nights. You enjoy your moment in the sun now, but seriously - in 10 years, we're dropping the hammer. We admit, that currently we lack the "life experience" to match wits with people in their late 30's and 40's. That's cool...we get it. We'll pay our dues now, and wreck your life later.

The crazy thing is, we might not even need 10 years to hit our peak. In our mid-twenties, we are always in contention; multiply our smartness exponentially and the results are scary. You don't know when it's coming, but the moment it does, I hope to be there to rub it in yo' face! Seeing you in pain and agony over trivia beatdown after trivia beatdown will bring me great joy in my life.

And once we hit those golden years, watch the F out - we'll be winning all your money, then make it rain. We'll be taking your wives and girlfriends, probably make it rain again. We'll even post messages on your kids' myspace pages, telling you how much it is raining because their punk ass parents must don't know nothin' 'bout trivia!

A wise man once said: you think you're so smart, with your dago mustache and greasy hair. Win as much as you can now, because soon enough you'll be in the loser pool with the drunk 20-somethings who don't know shit and the old people who are out of touch - that's right, the LOSER POOL, brother!

My Message Is Clear.

Sincerely,
bertflex.com





If NWA ever rolled into a trivia night, it would probably look like this. These guys carry more guns though.

Slopparazzi

One of my new favorite things to watch is the TV version of tmz.com. It’s kind of like Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight, without the celebrity ass-kissing segments that those shows normally run.

It is pretty much a televised version of the website, for those who don’t have the patience to watch every video they post. With tons of daily coverage of Britney Spears – how could this possibly be a bad show?

Actually I’ve only been to their website a handful of times, but the TV version is pretty addictive. It’s insane how much round-the-clock coverage the paparazzi have on some of these celebrities (Britney, Lohan, Hilton, etc). It makes me wonder if I should buy a nice camera and hang out around the area in case someone important passes by.

Honestly I’d like to see a St. Louis version of TMZ, something we could do if we wanted to quit our lackluster day jobs. The difference would be that we’d cover St. Louis-only celebrities and the random “real” celebrities that frequent our little town once in a while. This would be perfect for a show right after Chalk Talk, on Charter’s channel 3. Everyone knows the ratings are outstanding for Chalk Talk, so we’d have a huge lead-in audience for our show. I imagine us covering such things as, “here’s a camera-phone video of Mike Bush picking his nose as he walks into the Pasta House! Oh yeah!!”

Maybe the moral of this story is that I’m becoming soft or possibly really gay, or this is the product of working with a bunch of women for the past 3 years (you need the latest edition of People, US Weekly, or OK! Magazine? Stop by). But I think it is for the better that I come out now, instead of letting you bastards gossip behind my back.

Rise To Mediocrity: The Movie

I originally wrote this article as a second point-counterpoint with Josh for the Hardcore League blog, but 7 months later, he has yet to respond. Maybe my point was so indisputable, Josh couldn’t come up with a rebuttal. Or maybe this was case #4718224 of “Josh being Josh.” Either way, here is my new vision, a movie about Justin’s heroic 2007 Fantasy Baseball season – Rise To Mediocrity.

I’ve seen Big Sandwich (Justin) play fantasy baseball since 2002. The results haven’t been pretty to say the least. After some horrible showings in York’s league from ‘02-‘04, he finally cashed in during the 2005 season in a different league. That year, we expanded to 3 fantasy leagues, and unfortunately the league he won doesn’t look too impressive on paper (6 team, deep AL only league). I can vouch that his team was loaded and he did very well in the draft and through free agent pickups. That is, until the last week of the season when he blew the lead, only to win it back on the final day.

I’m not sure what happened last winter, but Justin came out swinging in 2007. He finished 1st in a side league that he created. The level of competition was questionable, but he beat me out, so that is saying something. He finished second in the inaugural Hardcore League, holding on to first for a majority of the year. And in a third league, he finished second. This was a huge improvement over previous seasons, and it was hard to make fun of him too much while he was ahead of everyone in the standings.

Justin drafted quality teams, but like most successful fantasy owners, luck played a key role. Unless he really thought Ken Griffey and Kenny Lofton were going to be impact players all year.

Because of his past failures listed above, and one really memorable one, I think Disney should make a movie recapping Justin’s 2007 rise to fantasy excellence. It is the epitome of the underdog story. It would be like our own version of Rocky except without a homoerotic race vs. Apollo Creed on the beach. I have already booked Survivor to make the soundtrack, so we’ve got the ball rolling.

Disney hasn’t called me back about this project, but I’ve got some actors lined up in case the movie is a go:

Starring
	Eminem as Justin
	Bob Wickman as Tony
	Jonah Hill as Thomas
	Kelly Clarkson as Beth
	WWE Wrassler Trevor Murdoch as Josh
	Yi Jianlan as Shaun
	Daniel Craig as Jamie

I cannot guarantee that this will gross over $100 million, but I know there won’t be a dry eye in the theater once the closing credits are rolling. I think it will inspire a lot of people…to do a lot of heavy drinking and rioting.

IIIII'MMM ALBERRGHT PU-JOLSESS...

Hey everyone, welcome to the comeback of bertflex.com.

Some might call this version BertFlex '08 - same crap, but the rosters are updated at least. Plus there is the new feature called "Blogging Camp" in which you can train your blogging game for the real season. Also "Dynasty Blog." We sure put the nasty in dynasty. Get some BertFlex '08 in stores now! Boom!