Mo' Linx (X-tended)

There is a little shindig at the Bertflex World Headquarters tonight, stop on by if you are cool, hot, and/or like getting boozed up. No one has puked off our deck yet, much to my dismay. You people need to step yo' game up.

Oh, and feel free to bring us food - we're always looking for food.

Here are a few more links to burn some time on your Friday:

-Some k.u.chebags trying to act black.

-Speaking of Mizzou, it will be "Tiger Tuesday" at ESPN next week. Gary Pinkel will be in Bristol for a ton of appearances on all ESPN outlets (TV, online chat, radio). Including:

9:30 a.m.: Meets with ESPN producers, has makeup applied.

-Adam Kennedy wants to be traded! NOOOOOO!!

-Boobies are always good. According to me.

Friday night update - 3 More:

-The Blues fanfest is this Sunday.

-Erik Johnson hurt his leg playing golf this week. I thought that was impossible. No, read that sentence again. Nicely done EJ.

-GREAT list about Samuel L. Jackson. If you don't enjoy this, you need to quit reading our site.

...And He Had A Mustache

Besides baseball, bacon, and chicks, another thing we tend to be fans of are mustaches. Sir is the only one of us who sports the 'stache, though it is part of a larger facial hair purpose.

Some of our heroes are mustachioed gentlemen: Burt Reynolds, Robert Goulet (Gou-let), every player in RBI Baseball, Ron Burgundy, and most importantly: Pete Weber Al Hrabosky ...okay I'm not sure how to end that sentence.

But if we ever grow some balls, we'd all rock the mustache.

That's why the 'Stache Bash caught my attention when I read about it yesterday. It is so important that I deemed it necessary to have its own post.

The 'Stache Bash is run by the American Mustache Institute, based out of St. Louis (brag to your out-of-town friends about that...go ahead, brag). From AMI's website:

What is 'Stache Bash? - It is certainly the most ridiculous, as well as global, celebration of mustaches in the world, benefiting Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for children and adults with disabilities. Is it some serious facial hair contest for shut-ins? No. It's a big, goofy party for a great cause, as this video might demonstrate.

In the past, we've talked big about attending silly events and did not come through on our word. So we'd like to pin the responsibility on you: if you'd like to be the Bertflex correspondent at 'Stache Bash (and feel like spending $20 of your own money), please email us: haymang@yahoo.com.

It sounds like it will be a fun event (Oct 25th at Lumiere), and they will be giving out the first ever "Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year" award. Voting will take place in October and we'll definitely be all over that.

For further reading, check out this chat from espn.com with AMI's Aaron Perlut. Top notch (and there's even a Jason LaRue question in there).

Stay tuned for more updates, as I have added the long-overdue "mustaches" tag below.

Sir and Geoge Brett? Same Person?????????

Any of you who have spent time around Sir will hear some stories about Sir having some..... How shall we say it???? Bowel difficulties at times. Turns out that George Brett of that minor league team in St. Louis' little brother city also has the same issue. Thanks to Deadspin for the leak.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

This is how the lovely Miss Hilton celebrated her 27th birthday earlier this year. I was a little more low key than that, to say the least. Keep doing your thing, P-Hilt (phenomenal), and I'll do mine.

By the way, are there stats out there for bloggers in their age 27 season? I won't guarantee that I'll be funnier over the next 12 months, but I can't wait to begin my mashin' campaign in softball Thursday night. I'll let you know how it goes (unless I suck).

Here are this week's links:

-On insideSTL, I brainstorm new website ideas related to the Cardinals. It's only a matter of time before I cash in on my greatness and drop you guys to pursue my dream of running a new porn site called SluttyCardinalFans.com.

-Mizzourah has a good post comparing Big XII teams to pro wrasslers.

-TGF has an article here but you gots to pony up to read it.

-The ML has a bunch of new posts over at OMG.

-I had a prophetic post back in January of '06, showing my disinterest in the Rams hiring Scott Linehan. Shower me with praise...now.

Can O' Bacon, and Other Ways We Need to Spend our Money

A couple weeks ago we received an email from friend of the site Kelly, sending us a link that was right up our alley: 10 Gadgets For Guys Who Hate To Cook (But Love to Eat).

It's been a busy week here at BFHQ, and by "busy" I mean "I'm trying to catch up with poker shows that I DVR'd, so it's taken a while to tell you all about this list."

I know how little you like to read, so here is a recap of the article: It. Is. Awesome. Well, at least the gadgets are; Bertflex is the best site ever, with the best writers ever, and don't you forget it. Some of my favorites:

Yoder's Canned Bacon - We have covered many uses for bacon here at the B'Flex, but this has got to be one of the best. How beautiful is that? 40-50 strips of bacon per can and they kind of unfold like a fruit roll-up. I'm a little choked up right now, I can't believe how happy I am to be living in times like these. Ignore the fact that everyone's in debt and people are losing jobs, as long as we have bacon in a can, America is still the greatest country in the world.

The 90 Second Dual Pizza Oven - This is a must-have for Bertflex's World Headquarters. I see the $250 price tag, but to own a machine that heats up to 797 degrees F and cooks pizzas in 90 seconds is money well spent. Unfortunately, they are out of stock until December, so hopefully Santa's paying attention.

Microwavable S'Mores Maker - City slickers like myself don't go camping, so I rarely have the chance to eat s'mores by the campfire. This little bastard lets you feel like you're camping, just in the comforts of your own home (where you have showers, bathrooms, and internets). It claims to make two perfect s'mores in 30 seconds and most importantly, is 100% in our price range at $7.


Thanks to Kelly for tipping us off on this article, even though it would be a lot easier if you women came over and cooked for us like you should we'll see what we can do.

We always welcome mail like this: haymang@yahoo.com

Douchebag Report: Bronson Arroyo Edition

Tonight's starter vs. the Cardinals is All-Pro Dirtbag Bronson Arroyo. He's come a long way from his clean cut days as a Pirate. He went from just "a guy" to a major tool in a record-breaking fashion during the 2004 season (see: cornrows), though he fit right in with the other assclowns the Red Sox employed that year.

To out-douche all others, he pimps his shitty music, has a useless high leg kick, and still has long flowing locks sticking out of his hat. He's a simple wife-beater away from being Kid Rock's stunt double.

Some would say Bronson's musical career will follow the same path as Kent Bottenfield's, but I don't think Arroyo is that good. And he's damn sure no Black Jack McDowell. Arroyo seems like the kind of guy who would go on tour with Russell Crowe during the offseason, and consider that his "big break."

Oh, and he even has a douchey website, bronsonarroyo.com.

In an act of desperation, I added him to my fantasy team a couple weeks ago (check out his last month), so hopefully he helps me out tonight. As a fantasy owner, I'm not racist against d-bags, but as a blogger, I feel it is my duty to hate the scumbag known as Bronson Arroyo.

Below is an image of him "in action" with current Cardinal Flip Lopez looking for an exit door. Good Lord, Bronson, you look like Scott Stapp there, and that makes me want to deck you even more.

Two Tickets

I made a quick stop into the Rock Road Target this past weekend, and believe it or not, they knew I was coming!



Or maybe Sir's dad was in the vicinity, I'm not sure...

Booty Check

I've been defending the '08 Cardinals as only moderately shitty since spring training, but I must admit that I've had one nagging problem with the squad: They don't give good ass. In years past, I brought binoculars to the game specifically for the purpose of getting a closer look at Scott Rolen's finely sculpted rear view. I've tried to find a suitable replacement butt crush since we shipped Rolen north and brought in the flat-assed Troy Glaus, but I just couldn't get excited about what the team had to offer.

As much as I love Jason LaRue (yeah, you read that right) and admire Yadi, catcher butt isn't my thing. And although many ladies are crazy about Ankiel, the pirate face he makes while batting turns me off so much that I can't look past it to his ass. But then: Enter Joe Mather.


Mmm hmm. Get that wrist well, Joe. I look forward to ogling your ass next season.

Stubhub Cheats

I was perusing Stubhub yesterday, hoping to find some cheap(ish) All You Can Eat tickets to one of the remaining ballgames this month, and stumbled upon tickets for next year's All Star festivities:



So someone in the MLB offices leaked their tickets out already. Imagine that.

Or I suppose it could have been a sponsor, who is very disinterested in trekking to the STL next July. These tickets have not been made to the public (as shown here), so don't worry, you're not out of the loop just yet.

I personally plan on being off the days around the 2009 All Star Game, and doing nothing besides heading downtown, watching baseball, and hanging around the dirt sculptures all the fancycool businesses that comprise Ballpark Village.

Once we hear about All Star Weekend tickets, we'll drop a line. More importantly, you can be "that guy" by registering for Cardinal playoff tickets - head on over to stlcardinals.com before it's too late!

The Perfect DVD

If the lack of "goodness" has caused you to turn away from the WWE during the past five or so years, the one thing they have been doing right in that span is the quality of their DVD offerings. There are 2 or 3 disk sets out for a bunch of wrasslers, factions (4 Horsemen), and extinct organizations (AWA, ECW) that are top notch in quality and content, usually featuring a ton of matches. One released a few months ago about The Rock would probably be a good investment.

But the new DVD hitting the streets this week is about Curt Hennig: Mr. Perfect. If you are a dork like us, check out Amazon and buy it (then let us borrow it from you, since we're cheap bastards).

The DVD itself should be pretty good. Mr. Perfect wasn't one of my favorites, but he always holds a special place in my heart for being the focus of one of the greatest things shown on television - ever. This ranks up there with the Rick James episode of Chappelle's Show and the softball episode of The Simpsons. It doesn't get any better than this, and the special cameos by Wade Boggs, Mike Modano, and Steve Jordan (mouthing "wowww") certainly helps.

I've been looking for a reason to post this video for almost three years now. If you've never seen it before, behold:




So good. Since I was eight, it's been my lifelong goal to throw a 70 yard touchdown to myself, and it's a shame that I'm still not good enough.

Drink Your Pork, Again

Earlier this summer, Big Head posted the recipe for homemade bacon vodka. Now you lazy bastards are in luck, as Don Yovicsin now makes bacon vodka available for purchase.

And he calls your bacon vodka, and raises you all-in with his recipe for The Bacon Bloody Mary:

1 1/2 oz. bacon-flavored vodka
6 oz. Bloody Mary mix
Barbecue rub
1 Slim Jim
1 lime wedge


Yup, that says "1 Slim Jim." Don Yovicsin takes the pot and you may observe from the rail if you'd like.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

It's kind of another slow week here at the 'Flex. But for your reading pleasure, here are this week's links:

-My insideSTL article, envisioning the crap-tastic job Tony LaRussa would do as a major league GM.

-Mizzourah has another podcast up and some analysis on the SEMO beatdown over the weekend. They actually wrote a long column about the game, instead of a simple "Holy crap, SEMO sucks. The end."

-Annie Fresh finally posted an update to the goings-on of her life this past weekend.

-Lottie is back from her six weeks in China. My summer vacation was Kansas City, Springfield (MO), and Davenport. Oh and a fantasy football draft in East Alton. Yeah, I kicked her ass on that one.

Let This Soak In

Dear Tom Brady,




Good.



Sincerely,

Jets (38-14...the game you guys cheated)
Chargers (38-14)
Bills (38-7)
Bengals (34-13)
Browns (34-17)
Cowboys (48-27)
Dolphins (49-28...yeah, thanks)
Redskins (52-7...really?)
Colts (24-20)
Bills (56-10...F you)
Eagles (31-28)
Ravens (27-24)
Steelers (34-13)
Jets (20-10)
Dolphins (28-7)
Giants (38-35...oh well)
Jaguars (31-20)
Chargers (21-12)
& The Staff of bertflex.com

Hard Hittin'

Everyone will talk about the 10 year anniversary of Mac Wire's #62, but people like me (ie. dorks) will appreciate the 15 year anniversary of this:



Hard Shittin' Mark Whiten going off on bad Cincy pitching, Tripp Cromer gets a lot of face time, and a scrappy youngster named Joe Buck shows excitement and emotion (remember those days?).

I know it's trendy to say that these successful, pennant-winning Cardinal teams of the 00's are fun to watch. But early 90's Cardinal baseball was the shit. (Yes, I realize my standards for "the shit" are incredibly low)

Get Fat Night

Tonight the Mad Librarian is really twisting my arm to go to the Cardinal game. She has an extra ticket to one of the all-you-can-eat sections, and has done everything in her power to make me go. You know me - I hate baseball, and I especially hate buffets that include jumbo hot dogs and beef brisket. Ah, that's the worst.

After lots of conniving and trick questions, I agreed to go. So we'll be there at the stadium, being bored, maybe eating a dog or two. We'll see.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

I've been without TV for the better part of two weeks, so I'm going a little insane here. What's been happening on Chalk Talk? Or TMZ? Hey, what about Chelsea Lately? Are these shows even on TV anymore? Does TV even exist? Someone fill me in. Here are this week's links:

-Not related to us, but the Kevin Slaten saga continues: he'll be on 1380 next month. That sucks.

-This week's insideSTL article.

-And last week's.

-Turd Ferguson waxes poetically at The Sporting News.

-In case you've been living under a rock or also don't have a TV, Mizzou beat the Ill-side last Saturday (TGF and I live-blogged the entire day), so there have been big things happening over on Mizzourah. Be sure to check out the latest/greatest Hot Chicks w/ k.u.chebags.

-The ML put up a new post on OMG earlier this week. It's hard for me to blog without pants, but she was able to pull it off.

-And in honor of the National Football League (this is the most important season - ever), let's take a look back at the Greatest Touchdown Celebrations article written back in '06.

Am I The Only One?

...who loves the fact that Chad Johnson is now Chad Ocho Cinco?

Not only is the name change ridiculous (in an awesome way), but credible websites like Yahoo are acting as if his last name is now Ocho Cinco. I know "legally" it is, but I'm sensible enough to get the joke.



I love it. If I ever create the shit-talkin' Hall of Fame, Chad Johnson is a first ballot inductee.

Callin' You Out: Rina Wear

Alright Rina Wear. Let me say this up front: I enjoy your funny shirts. Most of them are good. Some of them need to be part of my collection ("Bacon: The Candy Bar of Meats" is at the top of that list). Unfortunately I don't own any of your clothing, but I like to support you as a local business targeted to my people.

So naturally...we're MySpace friends.

You're great, you're cool, blah blah. On to your call-out. Maybe I am in a cranky mood or something, but after seeing this new shirt a little while ago, I decided to fire up the ol' Bertflex and run wild on you.



An Aaron Miles shirt? Come on. I gave you guys a free pass after seeing the Skip Shoe-maker shirt. And I really bit my tongue after the Troy Glaus shirt was unleashed on the world.

But Aaron Miles? I know that many scrappy, white St. Louisans enjoy seeing an Aaron Miles at-bat four times a game, but that doesn't mean he should be celebrated in t-shirt form. Side note: there is only one Pujols shirt design, meaning Skip Shumaker has the 2:1 t-shirt advantage over Bert. I know Albert is a little too "mainstream" around the area, but that needs to be fixed.

That's the extent of my rambling. Keep up the good work Rina Wear, but focus your creative effort on places other than four feet tall utility men who have "Back in Black" as their batting music.

Neither of those things are cool. And we're all about being cool, here at Bertflex.

Cardinals Post-Game = Gold

Earlier this season, we all had a good laugh making fun of Jack Clark's girth on the Cardinals' Post-Game show. A few days later, the ML talked about Pat Parris' fake tan (I swear I saw him walk into the Tan Co. next door to my building the other day). After that, we ran up the score by poking more fun at the beefy-ness of Jack the Ripper. At that point, I vowed to quit taking pictures of my TV while the Post-Game Show was on. Then 80s Night happened (coincidentally on a Sunday afternoon).

After that I said to myself, "Seriously - no more making fun of the Post-Game Show. The joke has run its course."

But around the 7th or 8th inning of last night's game, Pat, Dan, Al, and Jimmy the Cat teased the fact that Ricky Horton would be travelling into the future - the year 2028 - and let us know what's in store for the Cardinals over the next 20 years.

My camera phone was immediately placed in the charger. No way I was missing that shit.

Behold, Ricky Horton's report from the year 2028:

Sweet graphics, there's no way this is going to disappoint. We start out with Ricky wearing his Ray-Ban glasses and some kind of silver outfit. Apparently, that will be the style. I hope Pat Parris likes his job, because after this, he'll never get a better one. Ricky goes on to mention that the Cubs win the World Series, but have been cursed for the 19 years since (remember, he's 20 years ahead of us). The Cardinals win the World Series in 2013, 2015, and 2020 (I might have been off on that last one by a year or two, as it was hard to hear over my own groaning. But he did say three WS trophies are coming to town. Now you know when to buy season tickets.) Let's just go on a journey throughout the entire segment:

















Wait, what the hell is that in the background? Oh, naturally it's Alf.

Really, Alf. In 2028. Here's a better look:



And luckily the segment finally ended. Here's where Ricky should have said, "Pat, it looks like your dignity and credibility was taken away on September 2nd, 2008. Hmm, wonder what happened?"



I'm pretty sure that Horton woke up at 7 am Tuesday, and used the entire day to write his script. Throughout the rant, Horton talked about Pujols going into the Hall of Fame (whoa, who saw that coming?), Brett Wallace being a better player than Colby Rasmus (who turned into a Van Slyke/Todd Zeile-type player...yuck), LaRussa managing for an absurd 12 more years, somehow Red Shoendienst still being alive to be an interim manager, then Mike Matheny taking over, new rule changes in baseball (the AL using 2 DH's - probably the only actual funny part, while the rest was just sad), and something about the new "baseball scandal" being eye replacements around the early 20's.

Ugh.

So if you decided to go to bed late in the game, or right afterwards, you're welcome. We'll always take one for the team. Actually, the Post-Game Show has become more exciting than the game itself.

And a future warning to FSN: you might think only a few stoners are awake to watch you guys, but one of them will always be me, ready to pull the trigger on my trusty camera phone.

Also, how do we get a hold of "Future Ricky" and Alf? They need to be at our next party.

BFHQ Update

Hey everyone, we hope you had a swell three-day weekend. Back to the grind, and in four days you can have fun again.

For an update on the new Bertflex World Headquarters, if you haven't been over to the new place, we have quite a nice little set-up. And to "professionalize" ourselves a little more, we are getting legal internet installed at some point today. AT&T gave us a small 12 hour (!) window that they'll be over. What a bunch of assclowns.

So for the first half of the day I'll sit here and wait. In honor of being off work, I'll check in periodically and let you know how my day is going. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seats.

But really, should I hold the suspense, or just say "breakfast, computer, video games, porn, more food, back to sleep, online poker, video games" and get it over with now?

8:48 update - I moved from my room upstairs down to the couch. Back to sleep. I was having a dream in which Sir was yelling at people, so hopefully that resumes.

10:40 still sleeping. I enjoy half days, in case you care. Also, here is this week's insideSTL article to hold you over.

12:30 I'm out broskie's. Sir will be holding down the fort for the rest of the day. AT&T, you're on the clock. Don't embarrass yourself in front of our massive audience.

8:15 AT&T lied. They will be hearing from Chet Pleban in the morning.