The Day I Officially Sold Out

Tonight, December 22nd.

Over the summer when I interviewed Brett Wallace, I dropped the InsideSTL name in order to score the interview. At the time Big Head called me a sellout for not using the prestigious BertFlex name to land said interview. It turns out that the powers that be at Quad Cities hadn't heard of either website (very humbling), so it didn't really matter. I took Big Head's comment as playful bro on bro ribbing (whoa, that sounded a lot better in my mind) and life went on.

A couple months later, I decided to move out of the BFHQ-Hazelwood Office and upgrade to a nicer locale in...West County (gasp!). I'll admit that was 99% sellout material, but the move was much needed and no one has complained about the new BFHQ. Win-win for everyone.

That brings me to the present. I needed to stop by the house to help mom out with a computer-related project she was working on. It was about 8:30pm and I had not eaten in a while, so I checked the fridge and found a half pack of hot dogs. Just my luck, eh? Interestingly enough, the hot dogs looked very familiar to me (yes, I have a special relationship with hot dogs, deal with it). I was pretty sure I had eaten the first half of the pack, but that was probably October/November. I checked the expiration date...and it was 20 days ago.

Side note: mom and dad have done a shitty job of cleaning out the fridge without me around to eat everything.

To many of you, this wouldn't be much of a decision. Throw those MF'ers away. And to a few of you, you wouldn't even have hot dogs in your possession anyway, so you people don't understand my dilemma either.

I stood there thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

I started to open the package; thought for another moment.

And in the trash they went.

'Tis be a sad day for me. I don't know if it's the fancy West County lifestyle I live. I don't know if it's a health-conscious thing (wait - I had McDonald's two nights ago so that can't be it). And I don't know if it's a "I got money, I can buy some new hot dogs! I'm a man! I'm 27!" thing.

Whatever it is, I can officially be called a sell-out. I shall still eat hot dogs until my dying day. But they better be fresh. They better be delicious. And they better be the expensive brand.

Greatest Invention Ever!

Check out this article from today's Post-Dispatch. It appears as if someone has come up with the best vending machine ever! It's been a hard day at the office. You have been working since 7am on a project. The boss has been calling you non-stop, asking questions on cases you just had him review a letter about. On top of it, the senior guy brings in 5 new cases for you to work on, and another case that someone else in the firm has been working on for 3 years, is in a million boxes, but just on a whim, the boss decided to change horses mid stream....... Okay, off of the rant. Anyway, you get hungry at the office. You walk into the lunch room, and what do you find? A hot dog machine!

Halleueah!

Get Fat Night

Tonight the Mad Librarian is really twisting my arm to go to the Cardinal game. She has an extra ticket to one of the all-you-can-eat sections, and has done everything in her power to make me go. You know me - I hate baseball, and I especially hate buffets that include jumbo hot dogs and beef brisket. Ah, that's the worst.

After lots of conniving and trick questions, I agreed to go. So we'll be there at the stadium, being bored, maybe eating a dog or two. We'll see.

The Road (Trip) To Omaha

This past weekend, I made my second annual pilgrimage to Omaha for the College World Series, joining BertFlex contributor the Biggest of Heads for the festivities. If you've never been to the College World Series, there's really three things you need to know: poon, ping, and bad jerseys. To get this post started off on the right foot, we have the obligatory poon collage below. You're welcome.

Since Fullerton didn't make it this year, there were no Kevin Costner sightings. However, there was a celebrity even BIGGER than Costner... Sulk Hogan!!! That's right, folks. Sulk Hogan was at the College World Series in the flesh. We even got a picture of him as he sat behind us in the stands. What do you mean - his name is "Hulk Hogan"? I don't think you should be messing with the Sulkamaniac like that. If you know what's good for you, you'll just take your vitamins and say your prayers... and apparently get some fresh squeezed lemonade from the concession stand, brother. I can't decide if this guy is an absolute tool or a complete bad ass for going all in on the Hulkster look. I guess if I could pull it off this well, I'd do it too.


Since I'm a moron and hate sunscreen, the tops of my hands looked like raw meat from being sunburned. Being the resourceful college graduate that I am, I decided to start a new trend at the College World Series and picked up some awesome gardening gloves to protect my hands. Depending on who asked, the joke was that they were either my Ass-kicking Gloves or my Groping Gloves. In reality they are just my batting gloves because all I do is rake. Just look at those beauties; I was beating the chicks off with a stick all weekend!

Since this is an NCAA event there was no alcohol allowed on site. I mean, obviously these college athletes would never condone something as vile as drinking, especially since some of them are under age. Luckily, the security guards and cops were pretty cool for the most part as just about everyone was walking around outside the ballpark with open containers. Big Head was among the ones partaking in an adult beverage or 5 when we were walking up to the gate Tuesday morning. Even though BH was intending to pitch the remnants of his beer before getting to the gate, Security Guard Jerkface McPartyPooper threw him out of line and took his ticket away (a general admission ticket of which we had more, mind you) before even getting to the gate. In what has to at least tie a record, Big Head was ejected from the ballpark before entering the ballpark. Bravo, sir! We walked around to the other entrance and got in with no hassle.

The Pellegrino Curse continued this weekend as I bought a Rice Owls hat and they, in the words of ESPN's Mike Patrick, were "0-2 and a BBQ" in Omaha. Last year, I bought a Fullerton hat and they too were eliminated by Tuesday and didn't even make it this year. I'm sorry Rice, I really am. Then again, you did give up 17 runs to Fresno State AND blow a 3 run lead in the bottom of the ninth to LSU so I can't really take all the blame for this one. Good thing for one Mr. Cole St. Clair that the MLB draft was the week before since he allowed six runs in 2.2 innings to lose an elimination game that the Owls led 5-0.

Big anti-dap to the Rosenblatt ticket takers for completely effing up admission to the Saturday night Georgia - Florida State game. The early game ran long and by the time everyone was leaving the park, the line for the night game was already long. Apparently the powers that be decided it would be best to start the night game on time even though there were still about 8,000 people (not exaggerating) in line waiting to get in for the premier game of the day. There were even reserved ticket holders waiting to get in after the 3rd inning. We gave up on getting in the door after the 4th since there were still probably 2-3,000 people waiting to get into the general admission section. Way to eff it up, guys. We went home and watched in on tv, then I blew Big Head up in RBI Baseball (Reggie Jackson and Dick Schofield FO' LIFE!).

Inspired by the bad food posts on Bert Flex recently, combined with that fact that I'm a fat ass, I decided to go to war with a Half Pound Hotdog. Just look at that beast! It was like a double-jumbo dog, crossed with death on a stick. I took it down in four minutes which is a pretty good time for someone who is not on the Major League Eating tour. Yes I know you could have eaten it in 30 seconds, then used the remaining time to have sex with the concession stand girl; thanks for sharing, Suck Norris.

We have a history of being highly offensive on this site, and you've got to hear what was probably the most offensive comment of the weekend. So these girls who look like they're about 12 walk by completely covered in purple body paint; on their clothes, their faces, everything, as you can see by the pic. Since Big Head and I have no love lost for LSU fans, both of us were commenting on the choice of attire/paint for these possibly under-age pooners. After a moment of quiet reflection, Big Head drops "It looks like they were all raped by Grimace." Game. Over. I knew we had to get a picture of him standing next to them. The girls were all excited to get their picture taken with an internet celebrity and radio superstar like Big Head. Too bad they had to wait until this post to find out why we wanted their picture. Thank you, ladies. You stay classy, Big Head.

The nasty jersey crew was in full effect at Rosenblatt as you can see from the collage below. Yes that IS a Stanford Mike Mussina jersey AND a Trevor Hoffman Camo jersey. The guy rocking the Columbus Clippers jersey was all too eager to have his pic taken. Thank you all for entertaining us.
Oh yeah, there was also some college baseball played. Whatever, that wasn't nearly as interesting as these great stories. If you want more awesome pictures from Omaha, come get some: College World Series 2008 Photo Gallery

**Co-Editor's note/update: Sorry Sir, I had to put this picture in the post. It is too good to be buried in our photo gallery. Pretty much sums up all Nebraska fans in one fell swoop.

-HMW

Our Best Food Events

Last Friday, we brought to everyone's attention the 20 Worst Foods in America. Most of the "foods" on the list were well over 1,000 calories, the worst topping out at 2,900. While most people were probably disgusted by half the list, we tried to figure out how many of the 20 things we've devoured (9 or 10, depends on some technicalities...either way, we're fat).

I decided to come up with a top 10 list of our best food events; hopefully our doctors, personal trainers, financial advisors, or healthcare providers don't see this list. Unfortunately I wussed out and refuse to put these in any particular order. It's like picking your favorite child - all parents have one, but they don't want to hurt the other kids' feelings by saying it out loud.

I'd like to point out that these are consistent events only, not one time things like eating cookie burgers, a tube of cookie dough, or finding out how much destruction a bag of baby carrots can cause.

Honorable mention: The Jack in the Box Heart Attack Meal.
I put this as an "honorable mention" because none of us have actually gone through and ordered this meal from JITB: Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger (1090), Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges (720), Oreo Shake (1290). Those are the calories in parenthesis per the JITB website...yeah. Order this and be prepared to turn out the lights. You're done, kid. *update: I didn't realize that this was a common meal in Sir's heyday at Alton High. I met him when he was past his eating prime.

-Any trip to Buffalo Wild Wings. If I'm on my game, I'll throw down 20 boneless wings easy. I believe I hit 30 the last time we had a big event there. But the wings aren't the main reason why BWW is on this list. It's the fact that we've gone through more than one waitress, numerous times. Yup, we're so fat and addicted to sports that we've outlasted waitresses through their shifts. I'd like to see Buzz Bissinger do that.

-Chicken Wing Platter at Hooters. I'll stick to the chicken wing theme; we've dusted off a 50 wing platter at Hooters a few times (me, Sir, and Maltliquorman). The Hooters Girls were mightily impressed...that we didn't have to leave in a wheelchair.

-The All You Can Eat Shrimp at Red Lobster. All things considered, I'm not really a shrimp guy. I'll eat it, but it's one of the many things that I don't like unless it's fried. That's when Red Lobster hates me; I can down a ton of fried shrimp. Every fall (though I don't remember if they did it last year), RL runs their AYCE special for $25. I've been there with Sir and cleaned house like I was the 30th man in the Royal Rumble. Best memory was going there for game three of the '06 NLCS, watching Suppan throw a gem vs. the Mets. Good thing we were around back then in case you forgot how the game went.

-GBC. My mom makes some awesome Gooey Butter Cake. If you've never tried it, then you just don't know...

-"Hey, Let's go to Tuckers." Whenever Sir says that to me, it's an insta-call. Next time he's in town, we need to do that. Tuckers has one of the best 'big ass steak + potato (optional) + salad (very optional) + bread' deals around town. It's a shame that I never went during Freshman year at UMSL. I don't remember why, I never used "studying" as an excuse for anything. I know this is bad business and bad negotiating, but if Tucker's ever wanted to put banner ads at the top of this website, I'd let them do it for free.

-The 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, est. 2006. Past champions are: me in the inaugural, and Pink Ass Ben last year. I'm sure the '08 version will be highly competitive again. The time to beat is just a little under 4 minutes for 5 hot dogs (something like 3:50-3:55).

-Me on Super Bowl Sunday. The highlight of my Super Bowl eating career was back during the Rams meltdown in SB36. I had a hot dog wrapped in bacon. With Cheese. With Mustard. With Chili on top. Then I had another . Championship! (for me, not the Rams) Seriously, I murder some food on Super Bowl Sunday, it's not even funny.

-The All You Can Eat Tickets at Busch. This is another tradition started in 2006. Whenever you have AYCE seats for Cardinal games (or any sporting event), the game is pretty much secondary. Maybe even thirdary, if that's a word. Drinking booze and wolfing down the most hot dogs, burgers, cookies, nachos, and beef brisket (including many combinations of all the above) is the goal. You've got to make sure you get your $90 worth in the span of about 2.5 hours. The best part is that you don't have to eat for about three days since you're just buried in a reclining chair until your heart says it's okay to proceed with your life. This year's AYCE game is in jeopardy, we need to find a game and get some tickets.

-OCB/Homestyle Buffet Trips. I'd like to say that other tables watch in awe as we destroy the buffet, stack plates, stuff our face with piles of fried food, stand on a chair, and self-proclaim that we're the Fatass Champions of the Universe. But truth is, we're usually on the lighter side when it comes to the clientele of OCB/Homestyle, and that's saying something. As Mike Shannon would say, "Come and get it big boyyy." And they do.

-The Donut Burger. This was originally brought to our attention by Big Sandwich here, and carried out over at his place later that summer. I thought our homemade version was pretty good, but I'll eat anything that involves meat (hey what are you laughing at?). We also had one out in Sauget at a Grizzlies game last year, too bad they aren't hardcore enough to make it with full donuts as buns - they just cut one in half. A smaller shout-out goes to the deep fried White Castle at the Grizzlies games, but it's not as good as it sounds. After eating that at a game last year, I had to write a letter of apology to my heart. This time, he forgave me. I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky next time.


There you have it, hopefully I didn't forget anything too obvious. Moral of the story is that we're fat, but we like having a good time. And I'm out of breath from typing all that.

The Other Hot Dog Eating Contest

The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is the most anticipated event every 4th of July. Not fireworks, not baseball, but eating...there I said it.

Being the ambitious young men that we are, we decided to have our own hot dog eating contest. It was a foregone conclusion that no one was going to challenge the new record of 53 3/4 hot dogs in 12 minutes set earlier today. But we staged a contest that included the "best of the best": Myself, Justin, and Josh were willing to take the challenge, while Tony and Katie watched from the sidelines with the camera and stopwatch in hand.

The contest? First to 5 hotdogs wins the title. The other two go home in shame with less risk of a heart attack later that night.

I don't think I need to tell you who won on this glorious day. But I will say that he ate 5 in 9 minutes, 29 seconds. It's not as easy as it seems.

In true bertflex.com fashion there are some amazing photos of this event posted in the photo gallery. Click on the link to the right to see them. Right now there are some preliminary competition photos of Josh eating hot dogs and beans. If you are wondering, there are 3 toilets in the Lohnes house. None are safe for the next two days. Check back later this week for the rest of the pictures.

I'm sure you'll be disappointed that you weren't there.