Strategery

On rare occasions, it actually pays off to be living in New York. Okay, I can't say that for sure. I've never been to NYC, but I'm pretty sure I'd have a love/hate relationship with the city. Also I think it would be good in small doses for a polite*, young* Midwestern lad like myself (*notice I didn't say "truthful").

Recently I read that Will Ferrell is doing a Broadway show (trust me, keep reading) titled "You're Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush."

How awesome would it be to see that?

An MSN article says the 90 minute show is scheduled to run into mid-March and will be on HBO eventually.

If you're clamoring for some footage, I'm here for you baby. Google video has some if you want to stay up-to-the-minute, or play the video below:



And/or this:

Chris Jerk-icho

Uh oh. You probably aren't supposed to do this...



More info at Busted Coverage.

Coming Soon: Another John Cena Blockbuster

During an impromptu wrasslin-watchin' session last night, we caught the brand new trailer for John Cena's new movie 12 Blocks. I asked Sir to give me the over/under on number of explosions that would be in the trailer. We didn't really know what type of movie this was, but it's a WWE Films/John Cena movie. Drama: 0% chance. Comedy: 7% chance. Action: 10000% chance!!!

Sir's over/under was six, so I insta-called the over. Big mistake on his part, though the line was made under pressure. At least I ran up the score on him towards the end to make it worth his while.

Skip past the Santino portion of this clip and see for yourself:



I especially liked when the ocean exploded. I believe that's the moment Sir realized defeat. BOOM fishes!!



March 27th - be there!

Reason #1 Why My Office isn't "The Office"

It's been a week and a half of little to no eating (quick PSA: if your work offers a free flu voucher every year, it's usually best to go ahead and take advantage of that shit, unless you want to lose over 15 pounds in nine days), so yesterday when I told my boss that I needed to head home early due to fatigue and a little hunger, the perfect Michael Scott moment stared her right in the face:

Me: Hey (boss lady), I've got to head out of here. I'm still not feeling up to par, plus I didn't really eat much, so I need something inside me.

Her: (words that didn't include "that's what she said," so I don't remember)

The Sweet Sounds of Doogie

Hosting SNL over the weekend obviously wasn't as big as the World Magic Awards recently, but this Neil Patrick Harris clip stood out in an overall weak show:

And They Wonder Why America's Youth is Messed Up

Exhibit A:



Although "America's Youth" has technically grown up and is now fucked up enough to think of shit like this and take it out on their kids. What's it say about me that about 66% of me laughed at this video?

You're Gonna Love My Post

Our favorite douchey pitchman is back, this time plugging the Slap Chop.

What the hell is the Slap Chop? Check it out, and pay close attention right around the 37 second mark:



There are so many other elements of greatness in this video besides Vince wearing an apron, talking about his nuts ("boring tuna", the rising cost of ice cream toppings in America, the over-the-head swoosh into the sink, Slap Chop = we become skinny?, "tacos, freddy-chinni, linguini, martini, bikini", "just bang it", and the traditional special bonus "cuz we can't do this all day" - thanks Vince).

Oh yeah - once again: why the fuck does he wear a headset?

There's a lot to talk about here. Discuss.

Someone Tell Me How Much Advertising on Chalk Talk Costs

Former BertFlex contributor Hollywood had a little free time earlier and decided to make us a 30-second commercial...



This kind of makes us big time, right? Job well done by Hollywood, we appreciate it.

Email us at haymang@yahoo.com and we'll send him 16,000 other ideas for commercials.

Douche Bag Report: Vince the ShamWow! Guy Edition

Vince, let’s start with the obvious: You look and sound like an absolute tool. Orange glow, faux hawk, New York(ish) accent, unnecessary headset. Here’s how bad it is: If I saw you in a bar, I would lie in order to get your picture, then mock you on a fourth-rate blog later that night.

Even so, I kind of like you, Vince. You seem like a stand-up fellow, just trying to make $19.99 plus shipping and handling for a living. But then you’re a complete dick to the camera guy. Yeah, he’s following you. I could record your low-budget commercial on my mobile phone, so I’m pretty sure a professional videographer can manage to record you wringing Coke out of a fucking ShamWow.

And Vince, you must be one sloppy motherfucker if you’re spending $20 on paper towels each month. That’s, what, eight rolls if you buy the fancy kind that tears off in thirds? How are you possibly using two rolls of paper towels each week? I’m guessing it’s not something you’d want to tell your mother about, and you’re probably going to go blind.

So let’s recap: looks like a douche, sounds like a douche, acts like a douche, and wastes the world’s precious resources with excessive paper towel usage. Yep, you can officially pop that collar. You following me, ass clown?


P.S. On viewing 7 billion or so of the ShamWow commercial, I noticed the awesome voiceover work (the “ten years”) around 1:25. Enjoy that.

This Week in Old-School Wrestling Promos

In our first two installments of TWiOSWP (catchy, isn't it?), we learned the art of public speaking from two of pro wrestling's best mic men, the "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes and "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. These two legends knew how to work a crowd's emotions by skillfully arranging words to form sentences. Some wrestlers, however, didn't even bother with these basic rudiments of rhetoric.

Enter the Ultimate Warrior. Wait, no ... that doesn't sound right. Anyway, what the Ultimate Warrior's interviews lacked in content and coherence, they made up for with lots of yelling, snorting, and a poor understanding of where the camera was at any given moment.  

 

The Ultimate Warrior needed not the normals, but brother coulda used some breathe-right strips.

Bonus: This freak of nature right here is just beginning to swell.

EA Sports Softball '09 - Coming Soon!

JoeSportsFan.com brings it strong with this video:


Unfortunately, this isn't a real game. Those bastards got my hopes up. Even worse, it kind of hits close to home seeing some of those Softball Guy mannerisms.

This Week in Old-School Wrestling Promos

Bet you thought I had forgotten about this soon-to-be BertFlex mainstay, didn't you?

Last week, we kicked off our public speaking course with the inimitable Dusty Rhodes. An e-mailer who went only by the initials HMW noted that one "Nature Boy" Ric Flair is also pretty good at talking. 

This, of course, was not news to me. In fact, I'd put Flair at the top of my promo rankings, with the Rock a close second. No other wrestler engendered the hatred and envy that were just another day at the office for the 16-time world champion. 

We've linked to His Woo-ness before, but there's plenty to go around. Come get a taste.

P.S. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, you're welcome.

P.P.S. And, yet again, you're welcome.

Linx/Stuff/Junk

LSJ decided to take a couple extra days off, but it's cool baby - we here.

Our big four day weekend is almost over, so we decided a light week of linx should be in order. Get off the computer and enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

-This week's insideSTL article recaps Crush Drunkan's Skanksgiving plans. Fuckin' gametime. (Unfortunately I didn't put the word "SATIRE" in blinking lights for one of the commenters. I do appreciate them reading the article and I'll take the Drew Magary comp as a compliment though.)

And in case you missed this part of the Thanksgiving Day parade on NBC (which you should have slept through), play the video below:

Mom Will Be Happy to Make This For Thanksgiving

The Bacon Gods have spoken to us again, this time suggesting that we try the ultimate in yummy bacon goodness: The Turbaconducken.

Bacon Today once again raises the bar on how to include bacon in normal food (damn right a Turducken is normal), and they show you the step-by-step process on how to make the most lethal dead bird on the face of the earth. Check out the finished product:


Feel free to forward that link to mom and tell her to get to work. She's going to have to cook this thing throughout Wednesday night in order to feed our fat stomachs on Thursday.

Or for another Turducken idea, try this:

System of a Lego

So far it looks like it's going to be "Mail It In Week" here at the B-Flex. Fortunately the guys at We Suck Productions (yes, it's a real thing) put forth enough effort for all of us by making this video:



There are actually a lot more Lego videos out there on YouTube, and I see that this one was added in summer 2006. Good to see we're on top of things around here.

This Week in Old-School Wrestling Promos

It's science: People are more afraid of speaking in public than they are of dying in a bizarre gardening accident. If only we all had the ka-RAZ-ma and swagger of some of pro wrestling's greatest stick-workers (wait a second, that didn't come out right ... that's what she said). 

Hence the Flex's latest weekly feature that might not live to see its second edition: This Week in Old-School Wrestling Promos. It's all here: the verbal threats of physical abuse, the occasional moments of true bad-assness, and the unintentional hilarity. Why pay money for a Toastmasters course when you can study at the feet of the gods?

We begin our series with the "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes, whose combination of poetry and oratory calls to mind a speech-impaired Jesse Jackson. To be honest, you could pick just about any Duthtay promo and learn a thing or two about speechifying. I chose this one because of (a) the vintage 70s wardrobe and (b) a pre-steroids Vincent Kennedy McMahon. 

Duthtay Rhodes wants to get real funky with you ...

Where The Fuck Was Contain?

Apparently Barry Weinberg is a Big Deal

Earlier on Thursday, I took a well-deserved break from work and decided to check out the ol' internet. I came across a thread in Bernie's Pressbox regarding Cardinal trainer Barry Weinberg and how he was in the second row of the Country Music Awards last night. This sounded pretty random, so I checked the message board over at insideSTL to get a second opinion. The fine ladies and gents (well, the six or seven who watched the 2008 CMA's) over there also mentioned they saw Weinberg in the crowd. Neither site could provide visual evidence, though I did get stuck "reading" the chicks in bikinis with big boobs thread for a while.

After a little deeper investigating and 6,000 sites later, I found it. Maybe I'm the only one who finds Barry Weinberg at the Country Music Awards funny:



He's got seats right behind Kenny Chesney. Full video here, right around the 1:35 mark.

Evidently Barry F'n Weinberg is more important than we thought. He knows how to get hooked up at all the star-studded events. He probably banged a couple chicks later and gave them a lesson on plantar fasciitis.

Okay, maybe you don't find this funny, that's cool. But if you don't mind me stirring up a little muck real quick, when replaying this video to get a screenshot, I was able to notice something else. I analyzed Weinberg's movements like he analyzed Mark Mulder's arm being in perfect condition this past summer (at least for 16 pitches).

Weinberg goes in for the handshake and - NOPE. Denied by Chesney! That bastard!



What gives Kenny? You have Carpenter in your keeper league? You jealous that Rick Ankiel puts on cowboy hats and gets more tail than you - pretending to be you? Like he needs the help. Have you seen the women at Hrabosky's at 1 am?

Go ahead and keep winning your silly awards Chesney. Barry Weinberg will be in that first row seat soon enough. Possibly winning awards with duet partner Kent Bottenfield some day?

Linx/Stuff/Junk

Let's start this week with Wednesday's insideSTL article, in which I included the brilliant MS Paint drawing artists' rendering of Mark Mulder going away. And it even drew the ire of three readers. Sorry to get you riled up guys.

-And last week's article. I honestly forgot what I wrote about, but there's the link.

-Mizzourah is focusing on Colorado. I haven't watched the past two games, did I miss anything?

-The ML checks in with a couple new posts since the last time we spoke.

-How's the new poker league going?

Two others that don't have anything to do with us:

-The Mammary Game. There are safe and not safe for work versions, but you shouldn't be working anyway today.

-Will Ferrell returned to SNL's Weekend Update Thursday Edition:

Less Cowbell

Will Ferrell with a cowbell = comic gold.


More Cowbell - Watch the best video clips here

Rays fans with cowbells = fucking irritating.