LiveBlog Virgins No More

The staff of BertFlex has been waiting for an event so important that it absolutely had to be LiveBlogged. That night finally came Wednesday. The event was the (pre-recorded) Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

Nothing better than hearing what big dorks have to say about the most beautiful women in the world, so here goes.

Your participants are Tony, Justin, and Shaun--all live from Tony's place.

9:00pm The show starts, but we're not watching yet.

9:09 We're still playing NCAA Baseball on PS2. Off to a fantastic start! Oh, Tony hits a walk-off in the 9th with Freshman Shaun Kennedy. Game over. Boneless Wings win. Th-uh-uh-uh-uhhh Boneless Wings Win!

9:11 Enough of the MASH-ion Show that cyber-Shaun put on, let's watch the Fashion Show!

9:12 There is a segment about the models' personal life. Not a good sign 12 minutes into the show. The girls are talking about how they've never received lingerie as a gift. They seem confused why men never give them lingerie.

I'll look past the fact that you get it for free. The truth is that we'd love to get our wives and girlfriends lingerie for every gift, even Columbus Day. It's just been beaten into our heads that we never ever ever ever get it right.

9:14 I record this voice memo: "Tony finally mutes the TV, cuz these bitches are talkin' too much. This is kind of like FOX telling us Carlos Beltran having two dogs named Fluffy and Muffin. Nobody cares! Oh now they're back to the boobies." (Tony laughs) Justin says, "I seen it."

(keep in mind from here on, we did not have the audio on. We watched the show on mute, and listened to CD's.)

9:15 Another voice memo: Shaun says "Justin, what do you think about that?" Justin says, "I'm in love right now."

9:15 Angry, and incoherent voice memo: "SON of a (bleeping) (bleep)!! AARRRRHHH!! They just (bleeping) showed DEREK JETER. (Bleep) He's in the front row isn't he? (Bleep)

(tony finally gets me some paper to write this golden material on)

9:16 Tony just got out of the bathroom about a half hour ago, and his ass was literally on fire. He does not learn his lesson and goes back to eating pizza with lots of meat and jalapenos.

9:16 Tony points out that the models have gone to a poker-related theme (above). If it was possible to make them hotter, this did the trick.

9:17 Shaun says that Luol Deng is modeling tonight. Quite offensive moment, but of all the things said here, that's the only thing I feel comfortable typing.

9:18 Commercial break.

9:24 And we're back...finally

9:26 The long awaited line of sexy Flight Attendant costumes and lingerie is revealed. Justin is hungry for peanuts.

9:27 Another lame segment of the models NOT ON THE RUNWAY. This time we see things through the eyes of the "Angel Cam." Tony is mad that one of them throws like a girl. Nobody's perfect Tony.

Bright Idea Time: Tony suggests we need to go places and throw out free shit to people. Doesn't matter how crappy the item is, people love getting free stuff thrown to them. I added that we add a camera and videotape it for bertflex.com. Tony thinks that we should give out cheap bertflex t-shirts to girls when they make out with each other. I bring my amazing marketing skills to the table and say that the shirts should say "I made out for bertflex!" or "I whored out for bertflex!" depending on the level of lesbianism displayed.

9:32 Tony: "Wings are fuckin' dumb!"

9:32 Justin (for clarification purposes): "Unless they're covered in hot sauce and you're eating them.

9:34 The call is made to friend of the site, Thomas Richards. Live from Ohio...Thomas is NOT watching it.

9:34 In the middle of Justin/Thomas' conversation, Tony says, "You know what's sexy? Not ribs." (I thought I looked kinda sexy while eating ribs, but Tony clarified that he was talking about ribs protruding out of a woman's body. Oh...)

9:35 Thomas is not watching because he 1) forgot and 2) is watching Seinfeld season 7 on DVD with his wife. He tries to explain to the group what "wife time" is, but Justin, Tony, and I are confused.

9:36 IHOP commercial. $4.99 for the pancake surrender. I think we drooled more over the pancakes than the ridiculously hot models.

9:38 Ho hum, it's a stupid preview for the 10 o'clock news. Blah blah blah...Holy crap, there was a "Street Fight" tonight! And an "Out Of Control Raft!" We have no idea what the voice-over said, since the tv was on mute, but this could be some awesome news coming up. I point out that it's pretty likely that Leonard Little was driving the raft.

9:38 Back to the show, except Justin Timberlake is singing.

9:40 I point out that it looks like the runway is made of the grasstro-turf the Rams play on.

9:42 JT is still singing, and the models are dancing backstage. Tony thinks that they do more movements to that song than they would do in bed. There are no objections to the theory that models are "dead fish." But I'd sure like to find out for you guys just to make sure.

9:43 Tony: "If I was queer, I'd be a good backup dancer."

9:44 The models reveal their "Lord of the Rings Collection." Dorks everywhere are even more upset that they'll never get to experience an actual woman wearing these outfits.


9:45 Justin ponders the location of one model's vagina. (Anyone have a tenth grade health book?)

9:46 Tony is really pissed about wings now.

9:47 Larry Conners cannot wait to deliver this news tonight! Well, after he rubs one out.

9:48 (Justin takes over the notes while Shaun calls Josh)

9:48 Josh is not interested in the boobies. He's gay.

9:50 Tony's ass holds a press conference explaining why it hates him.

9:51 Rev. Sweet Release and his choir are in attendance.

9:53 Tony: "If a girl weighs less than 100 pounds, there is no need to wear a corset."

9:57 The models gather together at the end of the show. Tony: "How many abortions are on stage?" (Justin and Shaun are appalled and shocked and have no response)


After the show, we see that Beauty and the Geek is on MTV. We hear the quote "It's Josh's time to shine." A lot of mean and degrading comments were made towards Josh. He doesn't need to read them, he knows how we feel.

And that's it. Hoped you enjoyed it. You should attend next time; it's much funnier and offensive that way.

Peace out.

(photos courtesy of entertainment tonight and hollywoodtuna.com)

It's a Skanksgiving Miracle!

The best day on the calendar is always Thanksgiving Eve.

At least to slutty college girls.

Oh, and the Bertflex staff.

Last night was the first ever "Skanksgiving Celebration" experienced by Tony, Justin, Josh, and myself. I first heard the phrase from local sports radio/internet guy Tim McKernan. Skanksgiving derives from the skanky college girls who come back to St. Louis for Thanksgiving weekend and go out to bars and clubs on Thanksgiving Eve--and getting BOOZED UP! Luckily lots of unattractive guys are there to pick up these drunken females, have a night of fun, and never ever see them again.

Until the next Skanksgiving.

Our night started at the Pin-Up Bowl in the Loop. After looking real tough and cool, while bowling some solid low-100 games, we moved on to Skanksgiving Headquarters, downtown St. Louis.

Al Hrabosky's to be exact. The party was on!

Within seconds of entering the building, we saw Mayor McSkank grinding on some guy...40 feet from the dance floor. Needless to say it was an awesome night. Be sure to check the photo gallery. Seriously, do yourself a favor and check it out. Even I got down with some new friends on the dance floor. Oh we were some happenen' fellas! No one Everyone was envious of our dance moves, playerr.

It's hard to recap the specific details of this night, especially the part when Tony tried to jack Josh's car...so let's hear some quotes to sum up the night:

Josh: "Skanks make my dingy excited."

Tony: "If Ida known it was gonna be this kinda party, Ida stuck my dick in the mash potatoes."

Justin: "$13 for two shots of Jaeger and a beer? Goddamn you Al Hraboskyyy!"

Shaun: "Pretending to steal Josh's car in a shady neighborhood is exactly what we should be doing right now."

Our Best Fantasy Blunders

Now that the fantasy football season is almost here, I felt the need to reflect upon my performance in last year's league. It should have been better, but like a lot of people, I was a victim of the multiple injury bug (although owning Chad Johnson was one of the highlights of my life).

I had a particular transaction that I've looked back upon and asked myself a million times: what the hell was I thinking? You will see that below.

This prompted me to come up with a list, which ended up being very very long, of our best fantasy blunders. You'll notice that almost all of these are in fantasy baseball, and within the past few years. It was hard to do some of the research because of "lack of documentation." But this is a great list nonetheless--showing that we've been able to squeeze in a lot of stupidity in a short amount of time.

10. Tony-Trading Jonathan Papelbon for Mark Buehrle (2006)
Tony took Papelbon in the 25th round of this year's draft. He rode that hot start and turned it into one of the better pitchers in the game. Good trade right? Not even close! Mark Buehrle has turned into a left handed version of Jose Lima, while Papelbon has been near perfect throughout this season with his sub 1.00 ERA. The sad thing: Tony is used to this by now.

9. York (left) & Andy - Skipping Pujols in separate 2006 drafts
At the beginning of the season, there was a big debate over who should be picked #1 in baseball drafts: A-Rod or Pujols? Naturally being from St. Louis and one of the die hards of Cardinal Nation, there is only one logical choice here. Oh yeah, and we named a website after him. But despite being Cardinal fans, Andy and York both passed on Albert. York chose A-Rod. That's fine...except it's a keeper league. Andy decided to throw everyone a curve ball and went with Derek Lee! His reason: He suspected Albert of being on steroids. Needless to say, the guys picking #2 did not have to use much time thinking about their decision.

8. Tony-Dropped Ben Sheets and Brad Lidge in same week (2004)
Record-wise, Ben Sheets didn't have a stellar year, but putting up 264 K's and a 2.70 ERA is very helpful, to say the least, in fantasy. Brad Lidge decided to be a monster set-up man and eventual closer for the 2004 Wild Card Champs. His amazing stat that year was the 157 K's in 95 innings pitched. Both were drafted by Tony and let go a couple weeks into April. To no ones' surprise, Tony was not in the money that year, prompting a team-for-team 60 man trade between him and me at the end of the season.

7. Shaun-Preston Wilson: 2nd round pick (2004)
"Hey he can repeat his 2003 season, right guys?" After a 9th place finish (out of ten), 2004 was the last year I used my own instincts at a draft. Now I take the advice of the people who get paid to talk about fantasy baseball. Good call.

6. Tony-Selecting 5 pitchers in first 5 rounds, then maxing out innings August 31st, hoping for players' strike (2002)
You won't find anyone more ballsy than Tony, who decided to own the pitching categories in '02, by taking five starting pitchers in the first five rounds. I remember Tim Hudson and Matt Morris being on his team (remember when they were good?), and three other studs. Honestly he did own the pitching categories all year. Unfortunately in this league, we use an innings limit of 1350. Towards the end of August, Tony was very close to the limit and he should have been a little more choosy with his starters. But wait! There was major rumblings going on that the players would go on strike at the end of August, remember? So Tony put all his chips in the middle of the table, betting on a Full House, only to see someone else lay down a bunch of Aces. This move dropped Tony from 1st to 4th...and out of the money.

5. Ben-Trading Travis Hafner for Odalis Perez (2005)
The Mets needed pitching help in 2004, that's why they went out and got Victor Zambrano. Ben needed pitching help in 2005, that's why he went out and got Odalis Perez. Well, you can't win them all. Tony returned the favor to Ben a year later (see #10).

4. York-Mariano Rivera: 3rd overall pick (2002)
Actual fantasy experts are probably gasping at the above sentence. I'll answer some questions for you: Yes, it was a mixed league. Yes, that says "3rd overall." No, York is not a Yankees fan. Yes, he loves saves. And yes, we're still confused too.

3. Josh-Justin Morneau: 5th round pick, AL league (2005)
Josh taking Justin Morneau will be forever talked about amongst our group. We have all taken a verbal beating over these picks and transactions, but Josh usually hears the most crap about "the Justin Morneau pick." I'll set the scene for you: this was only a 6 team league, and Josh was on the 4th/5th round turn. So his 5th round pick here was the 25th overall. In case you forgot, the AL didn't suck last year either. Josh steps up to the podium--yes we had a podium for this draft--says something along the lines of "I may be doing this a little early," and the rest is history. To his credit, Morneau is having a monster 2006 season, and would have been better in '05 if not for a beanball to his head. But this pick is legendary in the annals of history, and would be #1 on this list if the first two didn't suck so bad.

2. Shaun-Dropped Larry Johnson for Antowain Smith (2005)
Okay so it looks dumb on paper, but let me explain: I added Antowain Smith because I wanted to take advantage of his team (the Saints) playing against the ugly Rams defense. Smith ran for a whopping 56 yards and no touchdowns. My top RB Priest Holmes decided to get hurt soon after that, and I was not quick enough to pick LJ back up. I think he had a decent final 8 weeks last year; I'm not sure, I was too busy crying in the corner of my bedroom to care.

1. Justin-Mark Prior: 1st overall pick (2004)
Homerism at it's finest! Justin's fantasy record is not very stellar, and this decision making is a good reason why. Mark Prior was scheduled to be out for a month or so to begin the 2004 season. But Justin, a Cubs fan, decided to ignore these "medical reports" and this so-called "conventional wisdom," by taking Prior #1. Justin finished 10th out of 10, while getting six wins out of "Hurt Flex." Thanks for playing Justin. D'oh indeed.

Who's Shitty

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another installment of the "Who's Shitty" fantasy report, America's favorite place to go for fantasy baseball opinions. Tony Pellegrino, webmaster and fantasy expert will check the mailbag and answer five fantasy questions every week, so hopefully yours will get answered. If you're lucky, Tony might call your favorite fantasy player "Shitty," which will automatically make your team even better (see: Pellegrino Curse in the bertflex glossary).

We apologize for the lack of article last week. Even though we received thousands of questions, none were good enough to make the cut. Yeah, that's it...if you have a question for Tony, please see the bottom of this article for the details. If you are a friend of the bertflex.com staff, it is very likely you'll get your question published. Then you can tell your friends how cool and famous you are for getting your name printed on our site.

Just like our idols at Yahoo's fantasy headquarters, we like to feature badass pictures of our expert, Tony Pellegrino. In honor of the 4th of July holiday, this week's badass picture takes us back in time to 1776. Here we see a picture of Ruddiger Von Pellegrinah, 18th century politician and part-time bowler from Massachusetts. Pellegrinah was so offensive to others, he was not chosen to sign the Declaration of Independence because of his outlandish statements and constant burps while serious matters were being discussed.

In 1752, he confronted a young John Adams and told him that he's "John Hancock without the power." Unfortunately that statement bit him in the ass as Adams and Hancock went on to earn degrees from Harvard, and became two of the most famous men in United States' history. This is the earliest documented occurrence of the "Pellegrino Curse," but we are sure that it happened multiple times before that day.

After the Declaration was signed on July 4, 1776, Ruddiger looked at the document and said, "Thomas Jefferson? Who's this homo? Oh he's coming out of Virginia? He's shitty!"

That was the last straw--Massachusetts quickly traded Pellegrinah to a small Italian village in New York, where he changed his last name to Pellegrino and converted to Italian. The trade reflected Pellegrinah's value, as New York only had to send some used wigs and the rights to Ben Affleck in return.

Ruddiger Pellegrino was able to pass on his legacy before his death. Generations of Pellegrinos carried on his tradition of obscene behavior. None has lived up to his standards quite like our own Tony Pellegrino. So in honor of tradition--going back to the early days of this great country--let's get to those questions and find out Who's Shitty.

1. (Ozzie-south side Chicago, IL) I hate Who Sheetty. I tink dat you Tony Pelagrrrrino es a homo anna piece of shit. People say dat I need to go to anger mang-ment, but I say to dem 'fuck you, I kill you'. I win World Serie last year an I hate dat when people tink of Ozzie, dey tink of Ozzie Smeef. Instead of anger mang-ment classes, you tell me what to change.

I'm glad you hate Who's Shitty, but Dusty Baker hates it more (because I'm white) so you're officially in second place in the Chicago Manager Who Hates Who's Shitty (CMWHWS) standings. As an offensive person myself, what The Man will let you say is an ever-changing list of "acceptable" slurs and it's hard to keep up. Here's a multiple choice question to get you ready:
Mariotti is... A) a douche B) a cracker C) a stupid wop dego D) all of the above
Mariotti is not... A) a fag B) an Afro-Saxon C) a gook D) all of the above
Just gotta brush up on the "what'll getcha fired" and then you're all good.

2. (J. York-Dallas, TX) TP, last Thursday was "Big Comeback Night at the Ballpark." We were able to see the return of AJ Burnett, Rocket Roger, and Mr. Flex himself, all in one night. Thoughts?

Roger is overrated (see previous Who's Shitty's) and is only coming back after being suspended from baseball for steriods (link) so I don't really care about that one. The Astros are so terrible, Clemens needs to go 25-1 the rest of the way for them to make the playoffs. AJ Burnett's comeback would be more exciting had he not hurt himself swimming in his pool filled with hundred dollar bills he raped from the Blue Jays in the worst signing since Chan Ho Park. Bert should not be coming back this early. To me, we should keep him out until at least the break if not August. I'm not afraid of the Reds and we're going to win the division anyway. Last thursday is shitty.

3. (Big Head-Park Ave.) Mark Mulder blows more than Sandwich's sister (sorry Beth, needed an analogy). I felt buyer's remorse just for picking him. Console me.

You're with me, Mulder. I had him in one league and yeah, he's effing terrible. I love how the club put him on the DL. I was hoping he'd be listed as "Mark Mulder, P, StL - 15 day, shittyness." Luckily the Cards just signed Major League Headcase Jeff Weaver so it's all gravy now. We are absolutely screwed and so is your team.

4. (Big Sandwich-Imo's) I just added Gary Matthews Jr. and Yuniesky Betancourt to my fantasy teams. Does this officially mean my season is over? Also, Casey Blake is lingering on the DL and was falling off considerably before the injury. Should I just drop him or try and get SOMETHING for him in a trade, if I could get a six pack of beer that would be good enough.

Your season was over the minute you went far enough down the waiver wire to see those names. Also, Casey Blake should just be cut. I can't imagine anyone thinking he's actually a good player. He's way more likely to hit .220 than .320 the rest of the year. Then again, you don't have anything to lose since you're already done.

5. (Big Ben Sleeplisburger-IL side) Tony! The 4th of July is coming up. What do fantasy baseball experts like to devour on days like this? Where does the 4th rank in your mind, as far as the "Eating" holidays go?

4th of July is a great eating holiday and one of my favorites. In fact, it may be the #1 eating holiday of the year. I know that sounds like blasphemy but stay with me here... I attended 4 barbeques this past weekend. What other holiday do you get to eat like a madman for FOUR straight days? Top that off with the annual Kobayashi Invitational at Coney Island and I can't say that anything could beat that. Hot dogs, hamburgers and pork steak are the classic items for a July 4th 'que. If you're somewhere that they're not having any of those 3 as an option, you're hanging out with some un-American tree-hugging Commies. Let me know where they live and I'll have them "taken care of."
Notes: Ribs and chicken wings make great side dishes. Donut burgers are best consumed by more than one person at a time. At 6pm when the BertFlex hotdog eating contest was about to begin, Schnucks was completely out of hot dog buns. Not one in the whole store. It was awesome.

If you would like to ask Tony "Who's Shitty?" please send your questions to shaunfanclub@hotmail.com. Tony Pellegrino's advice should be taken with caution, but he has finished in 2nd place in numerous fantasy leagues over the years, so he's kind of an expert, using that term loosely.

Finally--A Lineup Tony Pellegrino Would Like

Okay, so the World Baseball Classic didn't go as planned. Instead of the US vs. Dominican dream matchup, Japan played Cuba in the final. Bud Selig sat at home in his basement mumbling racial slurs, no doubt. But it's time to look past that and into the future. The next WBC in 2010.

The United States needs to focus this time, be prepared. We've got to show our dominance over other nations because baseball is our sport. We have a surplus of talent and have nothing to show for it!

Someone needs to assemble a team with high powered offensive weapons. And they play defense like there's no tomorrow. Losing is not an option this time.


Not this guy...










With the pressure at an all time high, can anyone handle it? Do such players exist, ones who can rise to the challenge?

Ladies and gentleman, I am a baseball genius. Not many have figured it out yet. I give you the greatest team ever assembled:

Your 2010 Team USA.

Leadoff, LF: Carl Crawford MVP 2005 (PS2).
You want a leadoff man with speed? Carl Crawford has shoes, son! You want a leadoff man with power? Play a season with Crawford and he'll hit you 40 easily. The glove is just a bonus. As soon as he grabs a bat, the game is about to be 1-0.

Batting Second, CF: Ken Griffey, Jr. Ken Griffey Jr.'s Winning Run (Super Nintendo)
Lesson 1 of video games: If they name the game after you, you have super powers. Ken Griffey did not play around on this game. He made it look too easy. By the way, if you want a hit, I suggest not hitting it to the outfield. Good luck.

Batting Third, 1B: Albert Pujols MVP 2004 (PS2)
Lesson 1A: If the player's face is on the cover of the game, he most likely has super powers too. But the powers are legitimate. If you thought Bert Flex was good in real life, press the start button and check the scoreboard: it's 3-0 already.

Cleanup, RF: Reggie Jackson RBI Baseball (Nintendo)
The most feared hitter in video game history. It's like he's got a big red club in his hands. Tell the ball you're sorry before you throw it, in whatever language you speak.


He's about to ruin your life









Batting Fifth, DH Paste Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
You'll notice a heavy influence of Nintendo baseball players in this lineup. You'll also notice a heavy rain of souvenir baseballs into the left field stands.

Batting Sixth, 3B Bay Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
Bay is the other half of the Jersey mash squad. He is an exceptional outfielder by trade. But he's also a team player and has mastered the art of playing third base. How? I asked the video game programmer to change "OF" to "3B."

Batting Seventh, SS Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl (Nintendo)
Okay, so Tecmo Bowl is a football game. And Bo Jackson is a running back in the game, who has never played SS in his life. Are you going to tell him he can't play? Having Bo in the seventh spot in this lineup is sick. Sorry but it's not over yet.


Grab your glove Bo








Batting Eighth, C Mo Vaughn All Star Baseball 2000 (N64)
I've never played All Star Baseball, but I've read the destruction that big Mo brings in this game. Plus the most fun and interesting part of the team would be seeing Mo Vaughn play catcher. Somebody has to right? We might have to tweak the rules and have home plate replaced by a barbecue pit.


This is what happens when you type "Mo
Vaughn" into a google search.








Batting Ninth, 2B Chone Figgins MVP 2005 (PS2)
Weak spot in the order? Please. Chone has put up 50-60 home runs before in a season. And if someone gets hurt, he'll play that position. Doesn't matter where, he'll play it.


While many great players have been left out of this lineup, I have decided that a bench is not necessary. Plus I will only take one pitcher. You probably assume it would be the likes of Roger Clemens or Nolan Ryan from RBI Baseball. How about Pedro Martinez or Randy Johnson from any late 90's game? Nope, not happening. I want THE MOST dominating cyber-pitcher of all time.

P Jeff D'Amico Tony's Stupid Baseball Simulator (PC)
I won't even give this simulation game the luxury of being named on this website. For some reason, every year that Tony played the game, Jeff D'Amico couldn't be stopped. It was a disgrace to anyone who has ever programmed a video game. And this wasn't really a video game, you just looked at stats and managed a team while the computer simulated it for you. But if it was a real game, Jeff D'Amico would stand 8 feet tall and weigh 300 pounds. Throwing 130 MPH gas, with a knee buckling 110 MPH slider. He could eat 3 72 oz. steaks in an hour (and still have sex with the waitress for the first 45 minutes). You don't know about Jeff D'Amico until Tony loads up this game for you. But trust me, you don't want that. Want to know the one positive thing this game produced? The phrase "Gary Gaetti eats up too much money" is now in my vocabulary.


mmm, money





So you see kids, this lineup cannot be stopped. And they don't get older, or suffer from diminished skills. Whether it's 2010 or 2100, this lineup will mash and there is nothing you can do about it. Except play for second place. Bud Selig, you owe me.

The Most Controversial Interview Ever

Earlier this week, espn.com’s Graham Bensinger sat down with Shaun Kennedy, one of the top contributors to bertflex.com. Kennedy, who rarely does interviews, was very willing to speak on a number of topics and be honest with his thoughts. Here is the complete interview with Mr. Kennedy:

Bensinger: Well we are here talking to Shaun Kennedy, writer for bertflex.com. Thanks Shaun for taking a moment to be here with us. First off, your site has been up and running in blog form since November. Looking back onto the first few months, what are your thoughts?

Kennedy: I’m pleased with what we are doing. I know we don’t have a huge following just yet. But we’ve got some things in the works and we’ll continue to get better every month that we keep this up.

GB: Recently on ESPN, Michael Irvin was quoted as saying that Tony Pellegrino has not done the best job running your site; that it takes a great leader and a great Webmaster to run a team like yours. He even went as far as saying that Brett Favre, if given the reigns, would be a better Webmaster than Pellegrino. Your thoughts?

SK: (without a pause) Yeah he’s right. Definitely. I mean Favre’s a winner. He’s been there before, holding up the trophy. He is a true leader. As we speak right now, I couldn’t see Pellegrino leading us to the promised land. He’s good…he’ll get us near the ‘next level.’ Brett Favre would seal the deal. I see nothing wrong with what Irvin said, and there’s no way I can be misquoted on that.

GB: Another contributor to the site, Justin Rohour (aka Big Sandwich), has made a lot of quality posts so far. You two seem to get along on the field, but rumors have been circulating that you do not approve of his off-field behavior. Please explain.

SK: Well Graham, I’ve been talking about his work on the River. As you should know, he is a disk jockey on that station. I turn that (expletive) on the other day and what is he playing? Nelly? Notorious B.I.G.? What’s going on with that?

GB: I really don’t understand…

SK: He’s a sellout. White DJ’s on the River are only supposed to play white music. There’s no way you can misquote me on that. S-E-L-L- OUT! That’s all there is to it. Matchbox 20 and Dido: Justin should know every word to their songs.

GB: Why is this such a problem to you Shaun?

SK: Because it’s the River, man. The River is supposed to be a vanilla radio station. That’s how God wanted it. And the River will be back some day! And it will be re-built! Vanilla!

GB: That’s an interesting thought. Moving on to the future of the site: are there any plans for money making opportunities, or will this remain an all-voluntary effort on your part?

SK: Graham, listen to me. I BETTER make some money on this thing. I’ve got a family to feed. I’ve got to get paid for all the time and energy I spend making this thing work. Entertaining the people. I’ve got to be able to feed my family.

GB: You have a marketing background, Shaun, what are your plans on promoting the site?

SK: I’d like to promote it by promoting how great I am.

GB: No one else would be involved?

SK: Well, yeah I’d involve everyone. We’ve got a great staff. Tony and Justin do a great job. Ann and York are solid contributors. Jeremy and Matt jump in there every once in a while. But Josh on the other hand…

GB: What about Josh Lohnes? Where has he been?

SK: Graham, I’m not one to comment on someone’s sexuality…but if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…Josh Lohnes is gay. Seriously.

GB: Did you just say that? What does that have to do with anything?!

SK: You’re missing the big picture. Next question.

GB: Okay…do you have any thoughts on the upcoming Olympics?

SK: I really don’t know what the fuss is over Bode Miller. I can’t believe so many people care what he’s got to say. I mean, my friends get drunk and go skiing all the time. We’ve won World Series Championships on PlayStation drunk. Super Bowls, NCAA titles. Beaten Grand Theft Auto drunk. Played pool drunk. Played porch softball drunk. Bode Miller’s just a punk. He couldn’t hang with this crew.

GB: You’ve obviously known these guys since your college days. Describe what it was like being a star rec-sports athlete on the campus of the University of Missouri-St. Louis.

SK: There's so many people gravitating to us kids. We may not have even known what we were getting into. They knock on the door; somebody may knock on the door; a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do?…

GB: So you’re saying there’s no other options but to give into the female “groupies,” if you can call them that? And aren’t you afraid that the National Organization of Women will be offended by that?

SK: Yes, I am saying that. Unless you misquote me. And no I’m not afraid. You should apologize for asking such a ridiculous question.

GB: I’m sure you’ll be doing a lot of that real soon. Thanks for your time.

SK: Jap plays.



Thanks GB

What You're Getting for Christmas-The Male Thought Process

For centuries, this statement has been proven true on countless occasions: Guys suck at buying presents for their better half. It is like an annual ritual come December 25th--guy watches girl open up her gift (which was sloppily wrapped probably 3 hours ago), girl sees gift, cringes, and fakes a smile, followed by a confused "thank you?" Works like a charm every year.

The problem is that men and women obviously don't think alike. It is easier for a woman to find a perfect gift for their man because we are so easy to please. You buy us food--awesome. Something from Best Buy--double awesome. Something from Victoria's Secret? I know I'll never be the one wearing it, but 2 words describe that gift: Jack, pot.

But when we go out and buy something for the ladies, it's a different story. We have to put ourselves in her shoes for a moment and think about what would be a wonderful gift to receive under the Christmas tree. It's not an easy thing to do. An Albert Pujols jersey sounds like a cool gift to us, but not for them. I will say for the guys, we're trying to get smarter about it. Every year, we're progressing and all the credit in the world goes to the Internet.

Whenever December rolls around and you're checking out normal sites like msn.com or yahoo.com, you see the generic picture of a girl holding a wrapped present with a huge smile on her face. And the caption reads: "Top Gifts for Her this Holiday Season!"

Thank you Internet, we no longer have to do the thinking in the male/computer relationship. Way to be a team player!

So in an effort to finally get it right this year, we click on that link to see what the best presents are to get our lady this year. However, the results are very disappointing. Here is a quick look at some of the top gifts that msn.com says we should be buying:

Stacking Jewelry Box, from Red Envelope. $50. Male Thought Process: That's kind of cool, I know (insert her name here) has a lot of jewelry...wait $50??!! Get outta here...

Cole Haan ´Stephanie´ Roll Bag, from Nordstrom. $295. Male Thought Process: It must suck to be a woman. All of my clothes combined probably cost less than $295.

Gingerbread Man Suitcase, from philosophy. $38. Male Thought Process: Hey now we're talking! Cookies sound good right now, and it's packaged in a cute mini-suitcase that she'll love. Hold on a second, where are the cookies?? "The gingerbread man gift set includes a luxurious shower gel and bubble bath, a pampering shimmer body souffle and a delicious flavored lip shine- all infused with philosophy's famous gingerbread scent." Weak! Why do you tease me, Gingerbread Man?

And while there are some better gifts on here, let's move somewhere else because Bill Gates probably had a hand in that list anyway...onto yahoo.com.

Hey it looks like Yahoo made it even easier for us to find a gift for that special lady. They break down their "Gifts For Her" page into 6 different age groups. So far so good. Step 3 says to pick the relationship (My Wife, My Girlfriend, My daughter, My Mother, etc.). Okay now what do I get them?? Oh wait, step 4 says to pick their lifestyle (options include: Eclectic, Homebody/Foodie, Modernist, and Urban Hipster, among 13 other categories).

Crap, now I have to get out my Marketing Studies book from college to see what all those terms mean, hold on...

For the heck of it, I click on Urban Hipster. And the results are very disappointing. iPods, more handbags, a coffee maker?

Back to the drawing board. The Internet has failed me for the first time ever. At this point, guys think: "Do I dare make a trip out to the mall? Yes, but I've got to go incognito, I don't want anyone knowing about this adventure."

I will say one thing about the eventual "trip to the mall." It's never a good sign when you walk in to do Christmas shopping for her, but the first store you visit is the video game shop. Male Thought Process: She doesn't have this version of Madden. If she doesn't want it, I would gladly take it off her hands. No one wants to return a gift during this time of the year.

Kind of like when Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday with the name "Homer" engraved on it, in case she didn't like it.

So you finish up the trip to the mall, and hopefully you didn't overpay for some gaudy jewelry that she'll never wear or buy the $8 perfume gift set from Famous-Barr. The only thing left to do is to break out the gift wrap and put your purchase under the tree.

I'd like to finish up by saying good luck to the guys out there. Hopefully that gift is not a) you're death wish and b) the precursor to the "make up" gift that you'll have to buy her on December 26th.

And to the ladies, bear with us. One of these days we'll get it right. In the meantime, enjoy your new vacuum cleaner honey!



Hoover WindTunnel Turbo Bagless Upright Vacuum
jcpenny.com
$179.99

All I want for Christmas

Santa Claus is comin to town this weekend, and since me and the fat-man in red are good pals he has given me a peek of what some of our favorite sports personalities are putting on their christmas lists. Enjoy!


Mark Mangino - Head Coach of Kansas Univ. Football


Dear Santa,

I would like some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Dasz ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. I need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.


Terrell Owens - currently in-active wide receiver of the Eagles


Dear Santa,

I would like to have my own cable channel and call it "24/7 T.O." I don't think the world truly understands how much better at football I am than everyone else. I want everyone to know how underpaid I am, and that football would not exsist without me in it. I would host my own talk show, where I would interview myself, and as for commercials I would advertise my Terrell Owens clothing line that I would, of course, be wearing at all times. Once in a while I will invite Donovan McNabb just to tell him how shitty he is, and at the top of every hour we will watch some of my great touchdown celebrations. Enclosed is an autographed picture of myself.



Michael Irvin - former NFL wide-out, current football analyst on ESPN


Dear Pookie, I mean Santa,

Could you create some more colors, I'M SERIOUS! My suits are not flamboyant enough for this world. I gots to express myself and show everybody how Michael Irvin gets down GODDAMMIT! Younowha'amsayin'? Also I have a friend who likes to smoke the rock, not me, a friend. The PoPo found my, I mean, my friends pipe in my car. If you could make my, I mean his, problems with that situation go away he promises to never have hooker-and-blow parties in the ESPN commissary again. How bout them Cowboys!


Julio Franco - first baseman for the Mets, older than dirt


Dear Santa,

Hey main, jus wan to say than you for the early creesmas present. The Mets actually offered me 2 year to play for dem. I haf only heet 170 homerun while being in the major league, maybe you could geev me one more good year so I could get to 2 hunred. Also would you plees make my head stop getting bigger, Omar has to order special helmet to fit. Feliz Navidad!

Jessica Simpson vs. The Field

I've always remembered a particular insignificant moment in wrestling history--a Monday Nitro interview between Mean Gene Okerlund and Diamond Dallas Page. Page was going up against WCW Champion Goldberg at the upcoming pay per view (yes, this was during the era that I refer to as "when wrestling was cool"). Mean Gene was talking to DDP about the match when he blurted this out of his mouth: "I just got off the phone with the oddsmakers in Vegas, and they say that you are a HUGE underdog in this matchup against Goldberg! What do you have to say about that, DDP?" Anyone's first reaction at the time might have been, 'well no kidding he's a huge underdog, what a dumb question.' But then you play that back in your head and think: 'Did Mean Gene just say he talked to Las Vegas oddsmakers about odds on pro wrestling???'

Yes he did, and now some 6 or 7 years later I come to find out that those guys do exist. They put out betting odds about everything--including what chances the writers of this webpage have hooking up with Jessica Simpson now that she is single. Technically all these guys had a chance while she was married, but over the last month the odds have become significantly better.

Here is some brief background information of each writer, along with their respective odds, brought to you by the "Too Much Time on our Hands Gaming Commission of Las Vegas."

York
Current Status: Married, Fantasy Football Fan, Big Loser
Previous Relationships: Bad
What He Has Going For Him: Lives in Jessica's hometown state of Texas, accountant, can head fake her until the cows come home...and until he scores with her.
Hurts His Chances: Invented the Peyton Manning haircut, too much doobie rolling for Jessica's taste, would rep the KU like Nick repped Cincy 24/7, and according to our sources he masturbates to ESPN Classic.
Synopsis: Doesn't look good for York. The married thing might get in the way--he'd have to be sneaky about it. And "sneaky" doesn't describe anyone on this list. Current Odds: 1 in 5 million.

Matt aka "Hollywood"
Current Status: Single, Bitter, Wrestling Fan
Previous Relationships: Screwjob
What He Has Going For Him: Bad-Ass guitar player, not a jerk like the other 5 and would treat Jessica like a Queen. Plus, she married Nick Lachey, so she's obviously got a thing for underachievers.
Hurts His Chances: Probably too dorky to hang out with Jessica, musical genre has passed him by (after attending a Story of the Year concert, Matt realized he was old and washed up). Lives in Mayfield, Kentucky and Jessica is not known to visit very often.
Synopsis: Matt doesn't do a lot of dumb things that hurts his chances, assuming you throw wrestling, cartoons, and Jason horror movies out the window. Probably not slick enough to close the deal--although "slick" is another word that does not describe anyone here. Current Odds: 1 in 3.5 million.




Do any of these clowns have a shot at Jessica Simpson?





Tony
Current Status: Single, Fantasy Football Fan, Pants Pooper
Previous Relationships: Trainwreck-esque
What He Has Going For Him: Worked in construction, engineer, Jessica won't have to worry about Tony getting hit on by other women--especially waitresses.
Hurts His Chances: By engineer, we mean software engineer (cue the 'WAH WAH WAHHHH' music), lots of clean up and burps to deal with, has almost all the qualifications to be "softball guy," and he owns a Derek Jeter kite.
Synopsis: Tony has failed a previous attempt at picking up a sexy available woman (see: Hooters Girl Story). Also keep in mind the "hurts his chances" list is the condensed version. But unlike most of the guys on this list, if given the one on one opportunity with Jessica, Tony is not shy and will definitely swing for the fences. Unfortunately the result would be another F-5. Current Odds: 1 in 2 million

Josh
Current Status: Single, Big Loser, Fantasy Football Fan
Previous Relationships: Non-existent, but still trainwreck-esque
What He Has Going For Him: Josh's biggest weapon is that he could debate her into having sex with him. The conversation might go like this: josh-"If you don't not have sex with me, then not the terrorists have already not won." Jessica-"...... (off come the clothes)." Also Josh likes to partake in a drink or two here and there, so getting Jessica drunk would be his second best weapon.
Hurts His Chances: Gets rowdy if he does not have his waffles, would ditch her to go to a trivia night or help someone move instead.
Synopsis: If he plays his cards right, he has a chance. But past history suggests it's not gonna happen. Josh was also a victim of the Hooters Girl incident. Plus he has some real jerks for friends. Current Odds: 1 in 1.5 million.

Shaun
Current Status: Taken, Fantasy Football Fan
Previous Relationships: Borderline non-existent, but good
What He Has Going For Him: Could handle marketing and public relations for Jessica, has a "Welcome to the Gun Show" t-shirt, pop-a-shot master, and has the features of Nick Lachey (tall, dark hair, sports the 5 o'clock shadow a lot).
Hurts His Chances: Has the features of Nick Lachey, missed his current girlfriend's call while conducting a survey about this article, won't let Jessica win at anything--including a singing contest.
Synopsis: Shaun will have to rely on old school tactics to make it happen. Will the "Kennedy Charm" work on Miss Simpson without the assistance of alcohol in his system? Also his girlfriend is 1300+ miles away, so sneakiness would not be a problem, although Shaun would find a way to screw it up eventually. Current Odds: 1 in 1 million.

Justin
Current Status: Single, Fantasy Football Fan (although he's not good)
Previous Relationships: Little bit of everything
What He Has Going For Him: Works in the radio business, could play her songs in return for sexual favors. Also uses booze as weapon of seduction. Hustles little kids in the video game commonly seen in bars--Hoop Jones.
Hurts His Chances: Has a face for radio, prefers to play Kelly Clarkson songs, has multiple fart stories. Has no mercy for females who play Goldeneye against him...and it leads to black eyes instead of golden eyes, ha ha ha (sorry for the Jim Nantz line).
Synopsis: Justin also doesn't do a lot to turn away the women, although they find a way to give him the Heisman when necessary. But with his past history, combined with the drinking factor, Justin has made it to the top of this list. Current Odds: 1 in 750,000.