College Life, How I Miss Thee

Maybe it was fate that I caught a little bit of Van Wilder this past weekend. I've seen it a few times and actually thought it was a pretty decent movie. It's not up there with Animal House or Old School as far as college movies go, but probably in the second tier with the likes of PCU and Revenge of the Nerds (oh and Blue Chips...anyone?).

I'm pleased to say congrats to College Life for winning the first ever Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. It was a decisive winner (10 votes to 5) over BBQ, which was a worthy runner up.

If you're just joining us, we ran a tournament of 64 "things" and had our panel of experts pick which is better. We had a few guidelines on what was included (full bracket here):

*Leave any sex-related stuff out.

*Historical objects and figures will be thrown out too.

*Tangible items only (physical objects).

*Things like "the internet" or "jokes" are too generic and boring.


Well, maybe college life isn't technically tangible, but we felt it had to be included into anything called "Tournament of Death." College life also defeated the likes of Menthol Cigarettes, Home Run Derby, Beef Jerky, Nintendo, and Wiffleball - a mighty impressive lineup of challengers.

It seemed like just yesterday I was skipping class for some N64 Mario Cart, Mario Golf, or Bond. I tried using legitimate reasons like that during my freshman year; by the time I was a senior, grunts or random noises were a good enough excuse not to go (ex: meh, ughh, and bah).

I'd like to thank our voting committee for helping out, including celebrity voter Will Leitch of Deadspin for playing along in our fun and games.

There are already rumblings of other Bertflex-sponsored tournaments, so stay tuned for more. In the meantime, we'll have to schedule a College Life-themed party with the Bertflex staff singing a drunken version of "One Shining Moment."

Tourney of Death: The Finals

It seemed like yesterday that we began this whole Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. There were 64 entrants all mingling in a room drinking martinis, playing nicely, but now we're down to two.

#2 BBQ (Natty Bridge Regional) vs. #2 College Life (Alton Regional)

The voting begins today. We'll be back with the results, and hopefully an exclusive interview with the winner on Monday.

The Final 4 Is Set

It's been a rough road for all of the 64 entrants into the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death but only four have made it to this point. We knew going into this thing that there would be no cakewalks, and nothing should be taken for granted until the buzzer sounds. Now here we are, four are left - who will walk out as champion?

If you were able to handle all of the hard hitting analysis that the regional previews dished out, then handled the second and third round analysis and predictions, you should be rewarded. Note that you should be...instead you will be bombarded with the hardcoreiest, in your faceiest analysis and breakdowns you've ever seen. Put a helmet on and grab some nunchucks, you're entering the danger zone!

#1 Wiffleball (Hazelwood Regional) - When the warm weather rolls around it is always time to break out the wiffleball and bat. You don't need much else besides that, usually just a lawn chair for the strike zone, make up a few rules, and you're ready to play. Games can vary from "non-competitive" to "Texas Death Match." I'm still here, so you know I've fared pretty well in the latter.

Strengths: Fun to play for males and females, goes hand in hand with barbeque's and drinking beer, you can plunk someone and send a message while no one gets seriously hurt (unless they charge the mound on you), bat flips and showing up your opponent is encouraged.

Weaknesses: Works best while playing outdoors, so weather and playing surface play a key role, sore arm after throwing for an hour or two, can be humiliating if you suck.

Why it will win: Classic game designed for kids, but still enjoyable in your mid-20's. It's hard to not have a good time playing wiffleball, as it goes with so many great things: nice weather, BBQ, beer, girls, funny batting stances, and taunting.

Why it will lose: I don't think enough people take the time out to play wiffleball as often as they should (myself included). There can be a big gap from the time you play as a kid to when/if you play with your own children, and sometimes the love for the game can get lost in between.

#2 College Life (Alton Regional) - There you are hotshot, you're finally on your own. Ready to take over the world? No, not yet. First meet my lady friend, she wants to get to know you a little better. Wait, untuck that shirt, math boy. Also meet my other friend, beer bong. You and him are going to spend a lot of time together. Last but not least...meet Ricky Williams. I know he can't open his eyes right now, but you guys will have some funny fucking conversations later, it will be awesome.

Strengths: Girls (or dudes for the handful of ladies reading), booze, skipping class to play video games, skipping class for ____(insert any noun or verb here), degenerate behavior, girls "experimenting" with each other in your presence.

Weaknesses: Believe it or not there are a few, like when you actually have to go to class, study, and do papers; using any of those things as an excuse for not hanging out is always depressing, the drama that you either have to put up with or witness, paying $125 for books that half the time you don't use or can't sell back, paying expensive tuition and/or "fees" to the school.

Why it will win: Too many people go to college nowadays and have the greatest experience of their life. Assuming you graduate, it typically lasts from four years for some...to seven (via five schools) for others.

Why it will lose: Some people go and don't have fun, or have to work their way through school and miss out on the cool stuff. Also some may just have bad memories from their college days. Like people who lost a 10-7 lead in the final inning of a softball championship by giving up 13 runs and losing 20-10.

#1 Bacon (Woodson Terrace Regional) - A recent Jack in the Box commercial had Jack saying "Bacon is the candy bar of meats." I don't know where that quote is from, but I'm pretty sure it was in the Bible (where? somewhere in the back). He is absolutely correct (I'm talking about Jesus and Jack). Bacon is hands down the best form of meat out there, despite a lot of great competition. Any time bacon is invited over to your house, a party breaks out.

Strengths: Goes with everything - sandwiches, other meats, chocolate; one of the most delicious things you can put in your mouth (hopefully that sounded as sexual as possible), never disappoints, and it's Atkins Diet friendly! Eat all the bacon you want!

Weaknesses: Can't be consumed in large amounts like steak or hamburgers, not for the lazy - it takes some prep time to cook, some say it's bad for your heart.

Why it will win: Bacon has that swagger that a lot of championship teams have. The '85 Bears, '00 Ravens, and '08 Bacons all have it. There are a lot of common elements when you look at each team on paper. Of course, looking at Bacon on paper is not recommended, use a plate.

Why it will lose: It is just a matter of choice here - do you go with the best meat in bacon, or a bunch of them in BBQ? This should be the toughest vote for our panel of judges, and should make most of them cry.

#2 BBQ (Natural Bridge Regional) - If there were ever a rulebook for guys, one of the first rules would be that you have to know how to barbeque. If you don't know anything about cars, fine. Don't know anything about crescent wrenches, whatever. But you better damn well know how to cook meat on the grill. Women (though not their first choice) can live with going to a mechanic or plumber, but if you don't know how to cook simple hot dogs or pork steaks (for St. Louis folk only), then they might think twice about you as a man. They'll still marry you, but know that they wear the pants in the household, while you hold the purse.

Strengths: Contrary to popular belief BBQ can be grilled and eaten 365 days a year, delicious and not too difficult, many good options of what can be barbequed, Atkins friendly, not exclusive to warm weather, great for male bonding.

Weaknesses: Also not for the lazy - unless you have Bandana's do it, you have to be careful with fire and not under- or overcooking your meat. Burnt hamburgers are the worst thing ever.

Why it will win: BBQ is kind of like Eli Manning, trying to step out of Peyton's shadow. Bacon has had a stranglehold on all foods for a long time now, but this could be BBQ's year to prove it is worthy of holding the crown as well. Either way, BBQ and Bacon's father - Bologna Manning will be proud.

Why it will lose: Same reasoning as why Bacon would lose. I anticipate fights and arguments aplenty. Households will be divided in half, carnage will ensue. Ben Affleck will have to save the world. Now there's a guy who likes meat. He's probably got his eye on some wieners right now...


That is the breakdown of our Final Four. We'll keep you posted on results later this week.

PS. The stats say this is post #300. Hooray for us!

Tournament of Death Bracketology: Sweet 16

We're now down to the Sweet 16 in the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death! Thanks to all who have voted so far. There have been a few "Teams of Destiny" who have survived to this point despite being huge underdogs. We've even had a #1 seed already get knocked out. Read on for my expert opinion on this round's matchups.

Hazelwood Regional

Wiffleball has been solid, outscoring their opponents 148-51 so far, but I see YouTube as a tough matchup for them. I think YouTube has played well in close games, so if they can stay close to Wiffleball late, they can win. It will be hard for YouTube to play from behind, so if Wiffleball can stay hot and jump on them early, they can put it away.

Taunting struggled a bit against A Girl Who Can Talk Sports but really took it to Offensive T-Shirts last time out, 76-23. Punk Rock has been on an amazing run so far, defying the odds to make it to the Sweet 16. It's tempting to take scrappy Punk Rock, but I think Taunting's overall strength of schedule has prepared them for this game.

Alton Regional

I saw Poop as the weakest #1 seed, plus it ran into the buzzsaw of Making It Rain, so I'm not altogether shocked that they're out. MIR has really gelled down the stretch this season and surprised alot of people. Making It Rain plays Nintendo this round, and I think Nintendo takes it easily given their 151-47 performance the first two rounds.

Beef Jerky really took it to Grand Theft Auto, who I was expecting more from. Too bad for Jerky, they run into College Life this round. CL has outscored their opponents a ridiculous 164-35 in their first two games, including a rout of Home Run Derby last round. Given their performance so far, I see College Life as the strongest team in the field and a lock to make finals.

Woodson Terrace Regional

Bacon on Anything got a little scare in the first round, giving up 33 to Trivial Pursuit, but got it together against Malt Liquor. I don't see them having any trouble against Tournaments this round. Tournaments had an impressive first round win over Entrance Music but I personally think EM came out a bit flat in that game.

Big-Ass TV's have thoroughly dominated their first 2 games, 139-59, and match up well against the only perfect first round opponent, R.B.I. Baseball. RBI won a tough battle against Fantasy Leagues last game while Big-Ass TV's haven't really been tested yet. These are both power house offenses, either of which could win this region. This is my "Game to Watch" this round.

Natural Bridge Regional

Fantasy Drafts and Anchorman Quotes appear to be mirror images of each other. Both won their second round games in nailbiters which came down to the last few plays, beating teams that were dominate in the first round victories. Despite playing the lower seed, I think that FD's game against Being White was a tougher draw than AQ against Winning Someone's Money In Poker, so I'm picking Fantasy Drafts to win.

I have Barbeque as the toughest team in the tournament based on their routs so far by a score of 178-20. Buffets have been hot and have beaten quality competition so far, but I think they run out of steam here against BBQ. While BBQ isn't as much of a lock to make finals as College Life, so far they've been the better team and should win their region.

*-Disclaimer: Although I am a voter in the Tournament of Death, the opinions above are based on the results of the tournament so far and are not a reflection of my voting.

Tournament of Death - Round 2 Matchups

Round 1 of the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death is in the books. Our panel of 17 judges had a difficult time deciding on some of the first round matches, and their job only gets harder from here on out (that's what she said). To give this tournament even more credibility, we added Will Leitch of Deadspin as our celebrity voter.

For those of you keeping track at home, here is what round two looks like:

Hazelwood Regional
#1 WIFFLEBALL vs. #9 SPRING WEATHER
#4 YOUTUBE vs. #12 500-FT HOMERUNS
#3 TAUNTING vs. #11 OFFENSIVE T-SHIRTS
#7 MINIATURE GOLF vs. #15 PUNK ROCK

Alton Regional
#1 POOP vs. #9 MAKING IT RAIN
#4 NINTENDO vs. #5 BRICKED DUNK AFTER THE WHISTLE
#3 BEEF JERKY vs. #6 GRAND THEFT AUTO
#2 COLLEGE LIFE vs. #10 HOME RUN DERBY

Woodson Terrace Regional
#1 BACON ON ANYTHING vs. #9 MALT LIQUOR
#4 TOURNAMENTS vs. #5 RECLINING CHAIRS
#6 TURNING HEEL vs. #14 BIG-ASS TV'S
#2 R.B.I. BASEBALL vs. #7 FANTASY LEAGUES

Natural Bridge Regional
#1 FANTASY DRAFTS vs. #8 BEING WHITE
#4 WINNING SOMEONE'S MONEY IN POKER vs. #5 ANCHORMAN QUOTES
#3 FARTING vs. #6 BUFFETS
#2 BARBEQUE vs. #7 PRESS CONFERENCE BLOWUPS


As you can tell, not a lot of upsets so far. The Natural Bridge Region was all chalk. Woodson Terrace's only slip-up was #3 White Castle losing to #14 Big Ass TV's. If the voters would have been voting while drunk at 3 am, White Castle probably would have won in a rout. The only bracket-busting Region so far has been in Hazelwood, with their #11, 12, and 15 seeds moving on, in hopes of making a charge into the Sweet 16.

For the second round, in the Alton Region, #9 Making it Rain will be a tough early matchup for #1 Poop. It would seem impossible for poop to falter this early (especially since it is round #2...get it...haha poop), but because of the huge performance that Making it Rain put up vs. Photoshop, it has a legitimate shot to pull off the upset. Another matchup I like is #3 Taunting vs. #11 Offensive T-Shirts in the Hazelwood Region. Despite their difference in seeding, I think both sides are pretty even on paper. That's why they play the games in your computer box.

Our judges will go back to work over the next few days doing some careful analysis on each matchup. We'll let you know the results later this week!

Peace.

Brackets! Get Your Brackets Here!

The Regional Previews are out so now it's time to release the brackets. Click the image below to get your own printable version of the Tournament Bracket so that you can play along at home. See if your opinions of the greatest things in the world jive with the opinions of our expert panel.


The potential Sweet 16 matchups I'm personally looking forward to are:

Hazelwood Regional
Wiffleball vs. 500-ft Homers
Taunting vs. Slam Dunk Contest

Woodson Terrace Regional
Tucker's Place vs. Reclining Chairs
RBI Baseball vs. Big-ass TV's

Alton Regional
Nintendo vs. Making it Rain
College Life vs. Grand Theft Auto

Natural Bridge Regional
Fantasy Drafts vs. Anchorman Quotes
Buffets vs. Barbeque

Take a look and post your bracketology in the comments. Tell us which matchups you're most excited about seeing as the tournament continues...

Natural Bridge Regional Preview

Welcome to the final preview for the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. Today we go through the Natural Bridge Regional. As opposed to the other regions, Natty Bridge's contests will be played at a variety of locations: Alan's Clip Joint, II STL Brothers Nightclub, Church's Chicken, Afro World, the other Church's, and former home of the USBL's SkyHawks: The UMSL Basketball Arena (aka "the gym"). It seems like yesterday that a group of young lads were living near Natural Bridge road, developing into the jerks they are today. Ahh, memories. Onto today's preview, written by Maltliquorman:

#1 Fantasy Drafts vs. #16 Slurpee's/Icee's
For most of us, Slurpees are a cherished childhood memory. You knew it was summer when you could walk down to 7-11, get a 328 oz. half-cherry, half-coca-cola Slurpee for like $.79, and hook yourself up with yet another Tony Gwynn holodisc. And if you don’t remember the holodiscs, you’re way too lame to be reading this. Times change, and so do Slurpee flavors, but you can always count on them stocking that gross-ass banana Slurpee that nobody wants. I would say that our sweet and squishy beverage friends have no chance here, except they’re matched up against fantasy drafts, not fantasy leagues. For fantasy dorks, draft day is both the best and worst day of the year. On the one hand, you and your friends get together, drink beer, curse, taunt, eat bad food, and maybe even draft a fantasy team if there’s time left over. It can basically encompass half of the awesome things on this list in one day. And hey, everybody’s a contender on draft day!!!! Right? O.K., well, maybe not everyone. One the other hand, a bad fantasy draft is an awful lot like a bad bachelor party: things start out with a bang, but seven hours later, you’re working on a mean drunk, you’re frustrated, three of your “friends” have come to blows over some old skank in Cleveland, and you just wanna get the stripper glitter off your face and go to bed.

#2 BBQ vs. #15 Ice Cream
This is a tough draw for Ice Cream. If we were taking this poll eighteen years ago, Ice Cream would’ve been the two seed. Of course, it also would’ve been taken out in the regional finals by Super Mario Brothers 3 or TMNT. If you stack the five best BBQ options (Chicken, ribs, hot dogs, hamburgers, and more ribs) against the five best ice cream flavors (Rocky Road, Cookie Dough, and any three Ben and Jerry’s flavors) , it would be a BBQ beatdown. Ice Cream just cannot win the starting five matchups. The one thing that Ice cream has going for it in this matchup is bench depth. This matchup might be even tighter if you consider Ice Cream items from Dairy Queen and the like. If anything could take down ribs, it would be a Peanut Buster Parfait…. Or Ribs-flavored ice cream.

#3 Farting vs. #14 Flextime
If you’ve spend any time around Sir, you know the value of farting. Ten years ago, I would’ve bet that farting would not be hysterical when I was 25. And I would’ve lost that bet. Just think about the last time you said to yourself “Boy, this movie/TV show/ poker night/ fantasy draft would be a lot better if it weren’t for all this ass-dropping.” Yeah, that’d be NEVER. As far as flex time is concerned, I’d like to take everybody back to a parallel universe. Imagine it's 2005. Cards vs. ‘Stros in the NLCS. Brad Lidge throws a goo-ball that Bert Flex abso-freaking-lutely vaporizes. But instead of striking a look that says “I may just bludgeon somebody to death with this baseball bat and then have sex with his wife,” he puts his head down and starts motoring to first like he’s David Eckstein trying to leg out a walk. Weak. The bomb made it memorable, but the flextime made it legendary. (note: hopefully, we’re not talking about flex time at work, because if so, I got nothin’)

#4 Winning Someones Money in Poker vs. #13 Camera Phones
It’s money. It’s all yours now. It used to be somebody else’s. Go ahead, enjoy it. Go buy some tacos. And then, find the dumb sonafabitch who “bought” you those tacos, stuff them in your face, and dance around the poor schmuck whilst you sing ODB’s “Baby I got your money.” Just beware, because next week, you might be the one buying tacos for someone else. Camera phones, unlike winning at poker, don’t have quite the same inherent awesomeness. On the other hand, when you’re chillin’ at Hrabosky’s on Skanksgiving and the Co-eds are making damn fools of themselves, a camera phone is easily worth 2-3 WSOP bracelets.

#5 Anchorman Quotes vs. #12 Beat Downs
I’m sure there’ll be a day when “Sixty percent of the time, it works… Every time,” won’t be gut-bustingly hilarious, but that day isn’t today and probably won’t be tomorrow. Anchorman may not be the funniest movie evar, but it is easily one of the most quotable. Unfortunately for Mister Burgundy and the News Team, I think the fix is in placing Beat downs in the dangerous 12 seed. Just ask any member of the legendary BYOB softball squizad. Victory, like a fine wine, only gets better when you drop five bombs on your opponent in one inning.

#6 Buffets vs. #11 Walk-off Home Runs
Buffets may rank alongside Elvis, Playboy, and Baseball as America’s greatest contributions to human culture. You know what would be great? If those snotty-ass restaurant managers stopped telling me how much food I can have and started giving me plates of fried shrimp, fried chicken, fried roast beef, fried catfish, and fried chocolate pudding. Maybe the only food experience more awesome than buffets is… Chinese buffets. I personally have grown tired of the ubiquitous use of the term “walk-off.” Walk-off singles, walk-off sacrifice flies, and walk-off HBP’s can go suck a fart. The walk-off homer, on the other hand, still has the same thrill as when you were swinging a bat at an imaginary ball, pretending to be Ozzie Smith, Joe Carter, or Kirk Gibson. And if you have hit a walk-off homer at any point in your life at any level of competition, you get 1 million bonus points for giving it the Kirk Gibson fist pump while hobbling around the bases.

#7 Press Conference Blowups vs. #10 Getting Your Tax Return
“If you wanna crown ‘em, then crown ‘em!!!”
“Playoffs!?!….. PLAYOFFS!!!???!!!”
“It’s division one football! It’s the Big 12! This ain’t intermurals!”
Press conference blowups are absolute comedy gold, whether its college or pro, basketball, football, or curling. My favorite blowup is still the John Cheney vs. John Calipari A-10 Basket-Brawl from about ten years ago. Tax returns are a bit more of a mixed bag. If you’ve ever received enough to buy something completely ridiculous, like an RBI Baseball arcade game or a Cow (yes, a freaking cow), you know just how badass returns can be. On the other hand, Receiving a check from the IRS for $13.80 gives you the distinct feeling your own government has just kicked you square in the nuts.

#8 Being White vs. #9 Bling
This match-up is reminiscent of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry of the 1980’s: there’s no in between. Nobody should be thinking hard about which one they prefer. Either you love ballin’ out of control, or you love not getting your ass whupped by the police. Well, I suppose nobody likes being clubbed by the man, but you know what I mean. There is nothing whiter than the smug satisfaction of knowing just how white you are. As philosopher Chris Rock once said, “being white is like always having five dollars…. Being black is like always being fifty cents short.” On the other hand, nothing epitomizes the inherent black ability to make outlandish cool like ice in your grill and chrome on your wheels. In fact, every time I see some white guy sporting bling, I get the irresistible urge to break his fucking nose.


Come back Monday to find out who is advancing to the second round.

Alton Regional Preview

Welcome to the third of four previews to the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. This one pertains to the Alton Regional. We've worked out a special arrangement with the Alton city counsel to have these matches held at the Alton Belle Casino, since that's the only reason people still come to Alton. The post-game spread will, of course, be at Fast Eddie's.

#1 Poop vs. #16 Nerd Shit
Poop. Poop is awesome. It's fun to do, it's fun to talk about, it's fun to make fun of people for, and it's fun to say. Sure, poop has it's downsides like pooping your pants (not that I know anything about that) but even then, it makes for a great story. Face it; wherever poop is, it's a party. Nerd Shit, if you're not familiar, is taking something very simple and making it extremely complicated using numbers and equations and stuff. For example, my job at the baseball stats company is 100% Nerd Shit. I take baseball games, dissect every single play, and then try to put the numbers back together and learn something. The best part is that after you use all the numbers, you still come out with the same thing you knew before, like Albert Pujols is good at baseball.

#2 College Life vs. #15 Menthol cigarettes
Both of these entrants are slightly exclusionary: some people haven't gone to college and most people have never smoked Menthols. College Life is slightly different for everyone but, at the same time, awesome for everyone. You mooch off your parents, party every night, live with a bunch of people your own age, and play video games a lot. You have an immense amount of free time which can be used for drinking, or if you're dorks like us can be used to create awesome works of art like the Wall of Smack or the Softball SmackTalk fliers. Class, I hear, is an optional part of college life. Menthol cigarettes are kind of a mystery to me. Black people smoke them, but so do some of my friends who are not black. Dave Chappelle asked experts on the subject of black culture why black people smoke menthols and their response was "I don't know." They're minty, but I wouldn't call them fresh. I will ask a menthol proponent and get back to you on why they are awesome.

#3 Beef Jerky vs. #14 Hawaiian Shirts
Where else can you get beef in convenient, portable form without having to worry about it going bad? You'll just be walking down the street and think "Man, I wish I had some beef right now" and SHAZAM Beef Jerky is right there to HOOK YOU UP. You want flava? How 'bout teriyaki, hot sauce, peppered, bbq, hickory, steak sauce, or jalapeno. Jerky is awesome, and if you disagree, you're wrong. Hawaiian Shirts are the ultimate in everyday tacky apparel. Nothing says "This guy is ready to party!" quite like busting out the Hawaiian shirt. As a purveyor of many myself, it's the only piece of clothing that a completely straight man will ever receive compliments on from another completely straight man. Wear one to the bar, no fewer than three other guys will give you the "Nice shirt" stamp of approval, and not in that creepy gay way either. The ladies usually don't care for them, but when you rep the island you know that going in.

#4 Nintendo vs. #13 Patriots going 18-1
Most of us grew up with Nintendo and while the modern video games have stuff like graphics and sound that resemble real life, the playability of many Nintendo games can never be matched. What other system has produced such hits as Super Mario Bros, Contra, Tecmo Bowl, RBI Baseball, Blades of Steel, Zelda, and Duck Hunt? None, that's who. Even now, 22 years after it's state-side arrival, Nintendo is still a good time. Staying power, my friends. The Patriots going 18-1 in and of itself kind of sucks because we had to listen to everyone on tv give the Pats a metaphorical BJ for the entire season. However, it might have all been worth it to watch a crap Giants team who barely made the playoffs take down the "Greatest Team of All Time in the History of Life OMG!" For those of us who suffered through the Rams Super Bowl loss to the Pats a few years back, it felt like revenge, even though we had nothing to do with it. Seeing the crushed and pulverized Pats fans cry made my heart happy.

#5 Bricked Dunk after the whistle vs. #12 Gross Throwback Jerseys
There is not a single play in sports that screams "I'm a douchebag!" more than the Bricked Dunk after the whistle. You've all seen it: there's a foul on the play but the tough guy with the ball has a clean route to the basket. He doesn't care that it doesn't count, he's going to throw it down with such force, such ferocity, that all who gaze upon him will fear his wrath...BONK! The back iron usually plays the foil to our hero's attempts at greatness, sending the ball three or four rows deep into the stands. Failure at its finest. Gross Throwback Jerseys are best when they are at their most hideous. By default, this means that most are from the '70s and '80s and include polyester. In colors that are more appropriate for Hawaiian shirts than sporting attire, throwbacks invoke a feeling of nostalgia, specifically for a time when people didn't wear gross throwback jerseys to the ballpark. Powder blue Cardinals Tommy Herr? Sunburst Astros Nolan Ryan? Road Blues Wayne Gretzky? All disgustingly ugly, and paradoxically awesome at the same time.

#6 Grand Theft Auto vs. #11 Hardee's
Grand Theft Auto is, hands down, the greatest, most influential video game ever made. Being able to play the bad guy and break the law was one thing, but the open-ended game play just pushed it to a whole new level. Want to steal that ambulance? Go ahead. Feel like laying waste to cops with your AK? Have at it. Blow up police helicopters with your rocket launcher? You're damn right. You can even screw hookers to regain life. This game has everything, bro. While most of America was trying to promote healthy living and weight loss, Hardee's said "Eff this!" and gave life the bird. If you want some food that is absolutely horrible for you, Hardee's is the place. Their "standard" burger is 1/3 pound, or if that's not fat enough for you, you can go for 2/3 of a pound with double bacon and double cheese. You could get a Philly Cheese Steak hamburger there; that's just wrong. Josh heard they were putting babies on a burger, and I wouldn't doubt it.

#7 Cheese Steaks vs. #10 Home Run Derby
Cheese Steaks are one of the greatest culinary creations of our time. As with Beef Jerky, Cheese Steaks make the greatness of beef portable AND they throw in the bonus of cheese with it. Steak, cheese, bread: what more do you need? Throw some onions and peppers on for an added bonus and you're ready to roll, just you and your Portable Beef. Portable Beef would be a great band name. The most important part of the Midsummer Classic, Home Run Derby, is a vulgar display of power. Whoever decided to get the best home run hitters together and throw them batting practice fastballs to see who can mash the most is a genius. Whether it's watching Mac Wire crush balls onto the Mass Turnpike, Sammy Sosa crush at the Ted, or Bobby Abreu (gross) hit about a brazillion homers in a row, there's something in the Derby for everyone. My only complaint about the Derby is that the greatest feats occur in the first round, while the championship is determined in the last round, but hey, nothing's perfect.

#8 Photoshop vs. #9 Making it rain
Photoshop is the tool of choice for creating a picture of something that didn't happen, but you wish it did. Most commonly used to take a very normal picture and add a comedic element or clever phrases (see LOLcats). It's also very useful for making fun of celebrities or your friends, not that anyone on this site would stoop so low. Making It Rain, for the uninitiated, is "when you are in a strip club or party and decide to throw a bunch of money in the air to show everyone how rich you are." (courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com) Now, none of us are actually rich enough to make it rain, but it sounds like it would be a lot of fun. We have devised plans to make it rain pennies and to make it rain Jack in the Box tacos, which to us sound even more entertaining than the usual rain-making. We hope to one day hang out with Pacman Jones, once he gets out of prison, and help him and his crew make it rain. Hopefully we won't get shot.

Tune in tomorrow when we wrap up our series of Regional Previews!

Woodson Terrace Regional Preview

Gather ‘round, bracketheads. We’ve enlisted Greg Gumbel to help us unveil the Woodson Terrace Regional of the Super Xtreme Asskickin’ Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. Actually, that’s not true. But I’ll take any chance I can get to look at Double-G’s sweetass Mike Brady ‘do.

#1 Bacon on Anything vs. #16 Trivial Pursuit
If a 16 seed is ever going to beat a 1 seed, this would be the matchup. As great as bacon is -- let’s face it, you’d take a kick to the junk if it came with a side of bacon -- Trivial Pursuit was the first board game that rewarded you for knowing that the milk on Tatooine was blue. Plus, TP practically begs you to make as many pie-based innuendoes as you can. But what if it also came with a big pile of bacon?

#8 Tucker’s vs. #9 Malt Liquor
I have to be honest: I have no idea what Tucker’s is. A commenter will have to enlighten me. But wait ... the Internets tell me it’s “the place for steaks” in St. Louis. We have a winner! I don’t see how Malt Liquor can hope to compete with pounds of hot, beefy goodness (which also happens to be my nickname -- hiyo!). [editor's note: Tucker's has 16oz Filet Mignon for $25.95!]

#5 Reclining Chairs vs. #12 Boise State
If my marriage ever broke up, it wouldn’t be because of adultery, finances, or “creative differences.” It’d be because my wife refuses to acknowledge the outright asskickery of all things that recline, chairs chief among them. As for Boise State -- hello, their football field is blue! I mean, come on! That’s crazy! Also, I’m not telling you to Google Image search “Boise State squirrel.” But I’m not not telling you to, either.

#4 Tournaments vs. #13 Entrance Music
Perhaps the greatest irony of the Super Xtreme Asskickin’ Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death is that, in its attempt to determine the best thing ever, it fails to realize that the SXAMTFToD itself is the best thing ever. It’s basically “Tournaments” turned up to 11 on steroids on crack hooked up to an IV of Chuck Norris juice. Against any other opponent, Entrance Music would be a slam dunk. Who doesn’t get all tingly when Ricky Vaughn emerges from the bullpen to the strains of “Wild Thing”? I don’t know about you, but my job would be 100% more enjoyable if I got to walk to my cube accompanied by Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality.”

#6 Turning Heel vs. #11 Team Championships
The biggest problem with Turning Heel is that you can’t really do it in real life. Whereas Hulk Hogan can drop The Leg on “Macho Man” Randy Savage and instantly revive his career as the biggest bad guy in the game, you can’t give your buddy a chairshot, declare yourself a heel, and expect to get away with it. Team Championships might have been under-seeded. Think of all the times you’ve said “We won!” when in fact you didn’t do a damn thing but sit on your ass and consume calories. That kind of vicarious accomplishment has to count for something.

#3 White Castle vs. #14 Big Ass TVs.
The Scottish have haggis. We have White Castle. It’s vile, people. Squaring off against Big Ass TVs, which make small boobs big and big boobs bigger, White Castle should be overmatched. But I’ve got a feeling the Slyders will advance.

#7 Fantasy Leagues vs. #10 Downloading Music
“So you just pretend to be a GM and cheer for players who aren’t even on teams you like?” For the 1,000th time, yes! And it effing rules!!!11! As for Downloading Music, I do everything Lars Ulrich tells me to, and he tells me not to download music. So I hope you’re proud of yourself, Thiefy McStealerson.

#2 RBI Baseball vs. #15 Tasers
Trained and licensed bracketologists like myself know that the 2-15 matchup is a prime spot for an upset, but this is Chalk City, Population: Stone Cold Lead-Pipe Lock. RBI Baseball is simply the best video game evar that doesn’t include two Italian plumbers. Proof of its awesomeness: Jose Oquendo is on the Cardinals’ bench. Tasers enjoyed a brief surge in popularity after the “Don’t tase me, bro!” incident, but RBI Baseball has stood the test of time.

There you have it, folks. In the words of Gozar, "Choose and perish."

Tune in tomorrow when Sir breaks down the Alton Regional. No weak tot action allowed!

Hazelwood Regional Preview

Welcome to the first of four previews to the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. This one pertains to the Hazelwood Regional. Hopefully Howdershell Park is cleared of 13 year old vandals (and future blog writers) for these games to take place.

#1 Wiffleball vs. #16 Classic Baseball Nicknames
These are two things that true baseball fans hold near and dear to their heart. Wiffleball is probably the first "sport" played by kids across America. From there, you're hooked. I can't imagine wiffleball ever becoming old or boring. And come on, the red caveman club bat; what else needs to be said here? Classic Baseball Nicknames will forever live on with fans of the game because of comparisons to the past. Stan the Man, Joltin' Joe, and The Bambino just blow nicknames like A-Rod and J-Roll out of the water. Way too many nicknames today are just plain lazy. Bert Flex is not lazy, but not enough people use that...yet.

#2 Chuck Norris vs. #15 Punk Rock
We did not want to include actual people in this tournament since there are lots of cool people out there. But Chuck Norris is more of a concept or a brand: the Total Gym infomercials, the Chuck Norris facts, and his overall badass-ness. He is just plain awesome. While Chuck is a law-enforcing citizen, Punk Rock is pretty much the opposite. Punk Rock is in your face and doesn't play by the rules. Hey, we know you can't understand the words, but it's not about the lyrics. It's about degenerate behavior and releasing anger out on other people dressed head to toe in black.

#3 Taunting vs. #14 A Girl Who Can Talk Sports
Our generation loves taunting. Back in the old days, youngsters were taught to respect their opponents and "pretend like you've been there before." But come on, as the wise Stone Cold Steve Austin once said, "Sportsmanship? What a load of crap." True dat, Steve. On the other side, a girl who can talk sports is just plain sexy. There are plenty of pretenders out there who walk in a room and ask 'who's playing?' and 'like, what's the score?' This might have worked in the pre-FoxBox era when the scoreboard wasn't glued to the TV screen, but not now. Any woman who can talk sports with the guys is okay in my book, and automatically bumped up a couple points on the hotness scale. Any woman willing to go out in public and watch games with you and your idiot friends is a keeper.

#4 Youtube vs. #13 Vince McMahon's Swarkinsons
I know you are all familiar with Youtube, so I won't go into too much detail. The sad thing is that all I did for like three years of college was watch and share videos with other people in the dorms. Why didn't we put them all on one convenient website and make a gazillion dollars?! One thing you may not be familiar with is Vince McMahon's walk to the wrasslin' ring. Because of the convenience of Youtube, here is a clip.

#5 Gooey Butter Cake (GBC) vs. #12 500 foot Home Runs
GBC is the champion of desserts, when made properly: small layer of cake on the bottom, followed by 37 layers of gooey and butter. Expert GBC makers can even make the edges of the crust tasty. 500 foot homers are purely awesome to watch. They don't even have to measure 500 feet in distance, they just have to be towering shots that you know are gone within a millisecond of bat-on-ball destruction.

#6 Jack in the Box Tacos vs. #11 Offensive T-Shirts
Jack in the Box Tacos aren't even in the top tier of great tacos in the world, but why are they the only tacos in this field of 64, let alone a #6 seed? Simple: 99 cents for 2 of them. And you can get them at any time of day (tip: they get exponentially better the later it gets) as long as your JITB is open all night. Offensive T-Shirts are great because they are usually unexpected and it is your first impression of someone you've never met. A great t-shirt will draw attention and compliments from like-minded individuals.

#7 Miniature Golf vs. #10 Slam Dunk Contests
Miniature golf is another game that many people have played since childhood, nor does it ever get old. It is a lot simpler and quicker than regular golf. It's also good for a fun date with your significant other, or degenerate gambling with your degenerate friends. Slam Dunk Contests went through a little lull for a couple years, but were back with a vengeance in '08 and are always entertaining. Whenever you see a thunderous dunk on TV, it is fun to think about what it would be like to do that yourself. That's why 8 foot adjustable rims were invented, duh.

#8 TV Shows on DVD vs. #9 Spring Weather
With so much crap on television nowadays, good shows can be on for two or three years before word gets out on how good it is. Whether you're trying to catch up on missed episodes, really interested in deleted scenes and extras, or just want to have the freedom to watch your show whenever the heck you want, TV on DVD is great. Spring Weather is one of the most anticipated "things" in this tournament. During the months of cold and dreary days, all people can think about is the arrival of spring. It leads to many other entrants in this tournament (wiffleball, BBQ, etc). Oh, and young, attractive ladies wearing spaghetti strap tops, short shorts, and bikini's.


Tune in tomorrow when we take a look at the Woodson Terrace Regional!

Introduction to the Tournament of Death

Late last year, I received an email from our very own Sir that had a subject line of "Maybe my best idea EVAR!" I usually trust Sir but I was a little skeptical this time. Until I read this:

So I'm sitting here at my desk, eating beef jerky, thinking that beef jerky might be in the top 10 of anything, ever. But how does one determine something like that? Easy, TOURNAMENT!

We decided to make that idea come to life, and here it is, now that the NCAA tournament is almost over. Same format and everything, except there is no play-in game, or NIT bracket for the greatest things ever. The first step was to lay out a few rules on what we include in the field of 64:

*Leave any sex-related stuff out. In the whole scheme of things, something special like beef jerky cannot compete with boobs, pussy, hoes gettin off, Jessica Biel's ass, etc.

*Historical objects and figures will be thrown out too. We all agree that Mickey Mantle and bombing Japan is significant, but I don't think it fits here. Unless a Mickey Mantle bombing Japan video game is made...then we have something there.

*Tangible items only (physical objects) - no theories, accomplishments, feelings, etc.

*Things like "the internet" or "jokes" are too generic and boring.

*No emailing or making dumb comments about how we left your favorite thing out of the tournament. It took a lot of careful planning and we don't want to be crushed when we realized we left out something awesome.

So there are the rules. I'll admit, we are neglecting some cool things, but the tournament we came up with is stellar and I think you'll have fun playing along.

Voting will be done by a select panel of experts. Not that we don't trust you, but we don't want some assclown stuffing the ballot box and ruining the integrity of the tournament. Plus it's a lot easier the way we have it set up. Each round will be voted on by the panel, all friends of the site who have been invited to an exclusive Yahoo! Group. Yup, it is that big.

So after coming up with an amazing field of 64 things, we really wanted to create a catchy name for this tournament. In true Bertflex fashion, we came up with this:

The Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death

A preview of each regional's matchup (of course we have regionals-what, do you think we're lazy?) will be revealed throughout the week. After the votes are cast, the results will be posted to Bertflex for you to follow along. Once a champion is crowned, we will throw a party to celebrate that "thing." I can pretty much guarantee that a drunken version of "One Shining Moment" will be sung by a member of the Bertflex staff.

The bracket is set, and each region is ready for tip-off. We'll see you tomorrow with a preview for the Hazelwood Regional.