Man Eats 15lb Burger, becomes New Honorary Flexer!

Brad Sciullo a Pennsylvania man took 4 hours and 39 minutes to eat an entire 15 pound hamburger himself. With a bun and condiments, the burger weighed in at just over 20 pounds, including, a bun, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, mild banana peppers and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard and relish. The burger is sold at Denny's Beer Barrel pub in Clearfield, PA, better known as being featured in some Hardee's commericals.

I think Sir needs to take a trip to Clearfield to see if he can beat the record.

A Financial Update (With Violence)

I meant to post the link to this article back when it popped up almost 10 days ago, but I've been having too much fun lately neglecting all of you.

Anyway, news of this financial crisis isn't all bad, check out this story from CNBC:

While former Lehman CEO Richard Fuld was testifying before the House Oversight Committee Oct. 6, CNBC reported he had been punched in the face at the Lehman Brothers gym after it was announced the firm was going bankrupt.

It goes on to say:

From two very senior sources – one incredibly senior source – that he went to the gym after … Lehman was announced as going under. He was on a treadmill with a heart monitor on. Someone was in the corner, pumping iron and he walked over and he knocked him out cold.

Apparently no one else but those two were in the gym, but I'd like to assume Smokey was there for a timely "You got knocked THEFUCKOUT!"

The best part is that the puncher was pumping iron, getting huge, before decking that old guy. That's what we call "Honorary Flexer Status".

Live it, learn it.

Hochuli-an Strength

For the second time in as many weeks, NFL referee Ed Hochuli (“Eddie Guns” to his fans) has come under fire for a questionable call, this time a roughing the passer ruling against the Panthers’ Julius Peppers. Eddie Guns’ grade already took a hit after allegedly blowing a call in the Week 2 Broncos-Chargers game.

In the face of such dire circumstances, I cannot stand idly by and ignore what has thus far gone unsaid: Much like Sarah Palin doesn’t get fair treatment because of her physiological condition, Hochuli is discrimated against on account of having the biggest pythons this side of the San Diego Zoo. But you won’t see the liberal media jumping up to defend him – they’re too busy with their yoga classes and their tall half-calf mocha lattes to go to a gym and find out what getting your swell on is all about.

Don’t worry, Eddie. This blog is called BertFlex. We get it. When you can crush a beer can with your eyebrows, you don’t have to be good at your job.

Honorary Flexer: Dubya

Due at least in part to the 22nd Amendment, I won’t be voting for George W. Bush in November. Whatever brand of politics you might practice, though, one thing has become abundantly clear: Brotha knows how to flex.

The dude used to own the Texas Rangers. That’s a glorified way of saying he played fantasy baseball. He even traded a young Sammy Sosa for a mediocre half-season of Harold Baines. With trading acumen like that, Bush should be writing “Who’s Shitty?” instead of Sir.

He isn’t afraid to unholster the guns. Honestly, I work out from time to time, but I haven’t seen pipes like that since the last time I played Super Mario Bros. Side note: Am I the only one who still has “intimate” dreams about Princess?

Chicks dig the President. How many times has Misty May-Treanor offered you her mudflaps for a ceremonial spank (with Kerri Walsh watching, no less)? Unless you’re a backup catcher for the Florida Marlins, the answer is none times. Ball-bumping with MMT has to rank as the most under-rated perk of the presidency.

We have had internal discussions regarding adding another well-spoken, thoughtful writer to the Flex staff. It seems readily apparent that there are few (if any) candidates more qualified than the current president of the United States.

Honorary Flexer: The Fat Toad

There's no true "quality" that an Honorary Flexer needs to possess, but the things we generally look out for is 1) cockiness and arrogance, 2) willingness to start fights at any given moment, and 3) an addiction to fatty foods and/or alcohol.

Let's talk about Hideki Irabu. He had a fun Wednesday night back home in Japan. I'll just copy and paste the article from mlb.com, so sit back and enjoy this tale:

TOKYO -- Former New York Yankees pitcher Hideki Irabu was arrested Wednesday for allegedly assaulting a bartender after drinking 20 mugs of beer, a police official said.

Irabu, 39, became angered after his credit card was rejected. He then allegedly pushed the bartender against the wall, pulled his hair, and smashed at least nine liquor bottles at a bar in Osaka, western Japan, a police official said on condition of anonymity, citing department policy.

So he downs 20 mugs of beer (#3 - check). His credit card is rejected and he is apparently insulted (#1). Then he roughs up the barkeep (#2) because it was obviously his fault for screwing everything up. Once again: 20 mugs of beer.

For a quick history lesson on Irabu, he's pretty much famous for being called a "fat pussy toad" by George Steinbrenner (I thought Big Stein called him a "fat Jap" too, but there is conflicting evidence on the internet. Our own Sir has called him, and countless other Asian people "Japs," but I don't think I'd get the two quotable gentlemen mixed up). I also remember Irabu's name being butchered by Harry Caray during his rookie year of '97.

Nerds like me would add that he's famous for being a part of the groundbreaking 1997 Bowman set, as a young HMW was shocked to see a hefty price tag ($15, maybe more?) on his card one day at the baseball card shop.

But back to the moral of the story. If you want to become an honorary flexer, knock out - literally knock out - the three traits listed above and you'll quickly catch our attention.

The unfortunate part of this story is that it gives Sir an idea the next time a waitress calls him "Sir." Hair pulling...slamming her against the wall...smashing beer bottles...

(And I hope I'm there to see it)

Honorary Flexer: Usain Bolt

In between staring at the tail on display in Beijing, I caught the 100-meter dash finals. You may have heard about Usain Bolt absolutely wreckin' the face off the rest of the field. But he didn't just dominate -- he beat his chest and pulled some Hogan-esque poses. I am confident that, had he been given a bat, he'd have flipped that bitch.
For turning the Beijing games into a bona fide O-pimp-iad, Usain Bolt joins the ranks of honorary Flexers.

Adam Wainwright: Honorary Flexer

In a textbook example of a headline that misses the point, the St. Louis Post-Disgrace's Sunday edition included an article titled "Wainwright's injury is one that could linger." What they should have called it: "Wainwright plans to get his meat on during DL stint."

Marooned in St. Louis while his teammates visit three American League cities, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright has planned a tour of his own. When he's not rehabbing, he'll be noshing — eating his way through a map of the finest local joints for barbecue and fried chicken. ... Armed with a list that includes Hodak's, Smokin Al's and Tin Can Tavern, Wainwright plans to spend the week seeing what kind of grub he can get his hand around.

We salute you, Mr. Wainwright. Don't forget your toilet paper.