Hazelwood Regional Preview

Welcome to the first of four previews to the Super Xtreme Asskickin Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. This one pertains to the Hazelwood Regional. Hopefully Howdershell Park is cleared of 13 year old vandals (and future blog writers) for these games to take place.

#1 Wiffleball vs. #16 Classic Baseball Nicknames
These are two things that true baseball fans hold near and dear to their heart. Wiffleball is probably the first "sport" played by kids across America. From there, you're hooked. I can't imagine wiffleball ever becoming old or boring. And come on, the red caveman club bat; what else needs to be said here? Classic Baseball Nicknames will forever live on with fans of the game because of comparisons to the past. Stan the Man, Joltin' Joe, and The Bambino just blow nicknames like A-Rod and J-Roll out of the water. Way too many nicknames today are just plain lazy. Bert Flex is not lazy, but not enough people use that...yet.

#2 Chuck Norris vs. #15 Punk Rock
We did not want to include actual people in this tournament since there are lots of cool people out there. But Chuck Norris is more of a concept or a brand: the Total Gym infomercials, the Chuck Norris facts, and his overall badass-ness. He is just plain awesome. While Chuck is a law-enforcing citizen, Punk Rock is pretty much the opposite. Punk Rock is in your face and doesn't play by the rules. Hey, we know you can't understand the words, but it's not about the lyrics. It's about degenerate behavior and releasing anger out on other people dressed head to toe in black.

#3 Taunting vs. #14 A Girl Who Can Talk Sports
Our generation loves taunting. Back in the old days, youngsters were taught to respect their opponents and "pretend like you've been there before." But come on, as the wise Stone Cold Steve Austin once said, "Sportsmanship? What a load of crap." True dat, Steve. On the other side, a girl who can talk sports is just plain sexy. There are plenty of pretenders out there who walk in a room and ask 'who's playing?' and 'like, what's the score?' This might have worked in the pre-FoxBox era when the scoreboard wasn't glued to the TV screen, but not now. Any woman who can talk sports with the guys is okay in my book, and automatically bumped up a couple points on the hotness scale. Any woman willing to go out in public and watch games with you and your idiot friends is a keeper.

#4 Youtube vs. #13 Vince McMahon's Swarkinsons
I know you are all familiar with Youtube, so I won't go into too much detail. The sad thing is that all I did for like three years of college was watch and share videos with other people in the dorms. Why didn't we put them all on one convenient website and make a gazillion dollars?! One thing you may not be familiar with is Vince McMahon's walk to the wrasslin' ring. Because of the convenience of Youtube, here is a clip.

#5 Gooey Butter Cake (GBC) vs. #12 500 foot Home Runs
GBC is the champion of desserts, when made properly: small layer of cake on the bottom, followed by 37 layers of gooey and butter. Expert GBC makers can even make the edges of the crust tasty. 500 foot homers are purely awesome to watch. They don't even have to measure 500 feet in distance, they just have to be towering shots that you know are gone within a millisecond of bat-on-ball destruction.

#6 Jack in the Box Tacos vs. #11 Offensive T-Shirts
Jack in the Box Tacos aren't even in the top tier of great tacos in the world, but why are they the only tacos in this field of 64, let alone a #6 seed? Simple: 99 cents for 2 of them. And you can get them at any time of day (tip: they get exponentially better the later it gets) as long as your JITB is open all night. Offensive T-Shirts are great because they are usually unexpected and it is your first impression of someone you've never met. A great t-shirt will draw attention and compliments from like-minded individuals.

#7 Miniature Golf vs. #10 Slam Dunk Contests
Miniature golf is another game that many people have played since childhood, nor does it ever get old. It is a lot simpler and quicker than regular golf. It's also good for a fun date with your significant other, or degenerate gambling with your degenerate friends. Slam Dunk Contests went through a little lull for a couple years, but were back with a vengeance in '08 and are always entertaining. Whenever you see a thunderous dunk on TV, it is fun to think about what it would be like to do that yourself. That's why 8 foot adjustable rims were invented, duh.

#8 TV Shows on DVD vs. #9 Spring Weather
With so much crap on television nowadays, good shows can be on for two or three years before word gets out on how good it is. Whether you're trying to catch up on missed episodes, really interested in deleted scenes and extras, or just want to have the freedom to watch your show whenever the heck you want, TV on DVD is great. Spring Weather is one of the most anticipated "things" in this tournament. During the months of cold and dreary days, all people can think about is the arrival of spring. It leads to many other entrants in this tournament (wiffleball, BBQ, etc). Oh, and young, attractive ladies wearing spaghetti strap tops, short shorts, and bikini's.

Tune in tomorrow when we take a look at the Woodson Terrace Regional!

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