Gather ‘round, bracketheads. We’ve enlisted Greg Gumbel to help us unveil the Woodson Terrace Regional of the Super Xtreme Asskickin’ Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death. Actually, that’s not true. But I’ll take any chance I can get to look at Double-G’s sweetass Mike Brady ‘do.
#1 Bacon on Anything vs. #16 Trivial Pursuit
If a 16 seed is ever going to beat a 1 seed, this would be the matchup. As great as bacon is -- let’s face it, you’d take a kick to the junk if it came with a side of bacon -- Trivial Pursuit was the first board game that rewarded you for knowing that the milk on Tatooine was blue. Plus, TP practically begs you to make as many pie-based innuendoes as you can. But what if it also came with a big pile of bacon?
#8 Tucker’s vs. #9 Malt Liquor
I have to be honest: I have no idea what Tucker’s is. A commenter will have to enlighten me. But wait ... the Internets tell me it’s “the place for steaks” in St. Louis. We have a winner! I don’t see how Malt Liquor can hope to compete with pounds of hot, beefy goodness (which also happens to be my nickname -- hiyo!). [editor's note: Tucker's has 16oz Filet Mignon for $25.95!]
#5 Reclining Chairs vs. #12 Boise State
If my marriage ever broke up, it wouldn’t be because of adultery, finances, or “creative differences.” It’d be because my wife refuses to acknowledge the outright asskickery of all things that recline, chairs chief among them. As for Boise State -- hello, their football field is blue! I mean, come on! That’s crazy! Also, I’m not telling you to Google Image search “Boise State squirrel.” But I’m not not telling you to, either.
#4 Tournaments vs. #13 Entrance Music
Perhaps the greatest irony of the Super Xtreme Asskickin’ Monster Truck Firestorm Tournament of Death is that, in its attempt to determine the best thing ever, it fails to realize that the SXAMTFToD itself is the best thing ever. It’s basically “Tournaments” turned up to 11 on steroids on crack hooked up to an IV of Chuck Norris juice. Against any other opponent, Entrance Music would be a slam dunk. Who doesn’t get all tingly when Ricky Vaughn emerges from the bullpen to the strains of “Wild Thing”? I don’t know about you, but my job would be 100% more enjoyable if I got to walk to my cube accompanied by Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality.”
#6 Turning Heel vs. #11 Team Championships
The biggest problem with Turning Heel is that you can’t really do it in real life. Whereas Hulk Hogan can drop The Leg on “Macho Man” Randy Savage and instantly revive his career as the biggest bad guy in the game, you can’t give your buddy a chairshot, declare yourself a heel, and expect to get away with it. Team Championships might have been under-seeded. Think of all the times you’ve said “We won!” when in fact you didn’t do a damn thing but sit on your ass and consume calories. That kind of vicarious accomplishment has to count for something.
#3 White Castle vs. #14 Big Ass TVs.
The Scottish have haggis. We have White Castle. It’s vile, people. Squaring off against Big Ass TVs, which make small boobs big and big boobs bigger, White Castle should be overmatched. But I’ve got a feeling the Slyders will advance.
#7 Fantasy Leagues vs. #10 Downloading Music
“So you just pretend to be a GM and cheer for players who aren’t even on teams you like?” For the 1,000th time, yes! And it effing rules!!!11! As for Downloading Music, I do everything Lars Ulrich tells me to, and he tells me not to download music. So I hope you’re proud of yourself, Thiefy McStealerson.
#2 RBI Baseball vs. #15 Tasers
Trained and licensed bracketologists like myself know that the 2-15 matchup is a prime spot for an upset, but this is Chalk City, Population: Stone Cold Lead-Pipe Lock. RBI Baseball is simply the best video game evar that doesn’t include two Italian plumbers. Proof of its awesomeness: Jose Oquendo is on the Cardinals’ bench. Tasers enjoyed a brief surge in popularity after the “Don’t tase me, bro!” incident, but RBI Baseball has stood the test of time.
There you have it, folks. In the words of Gozar, "Choose and perish."
Tune in tomorrow when Sir breaks down the Alton Regional. No weak tot action allowed!
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