Finally--A Lineup Tony Pellegrino Would Like

Okay, so the World Baseball Classic didn't go as planned. Instead of the US vs. Dominican dream matchup, Japan played Cuba in the final. Bud Selig sat at home in his basement mumbling racial slurs, no doubt. But it's time to look past that and into the future. The next WBC in 2010.

The United States needs to focus this time, be prepared. We've got to show our dominance over other nations because baseball is our sport. We have a surplus of talent and have nothing to show for it!

Someone needs to assemble a team with high powered offensive weapons. And they play defense like there's no tomorrow. Losing is not an option this time.


Not this guy...










With the pressure at an all time high, can anyone handle it? Do such players exist, ones who can rise to the challenge?

Ladies and gentleman, I am a baseball genius. Not many have figured it out yet. I give you the greatest team ever assembled:

Your 2010 Team USA.

Leadoff, LF: Carl Crawford MVP 2005 (PS2).
You want a leadoff man with speed? Carl Crawford has shoes, son! You want a leadoff man with power? Play a season with Crawford and he'll hit you 40 easily. The glove is just a bonus. As soon as he grabs a bat, the game is about to be 1-0.

Batting Second, CF: Ken Griffey, Jr. Ken Griffey Jr.'s Winning Run (Super Nintendo)
Lesson 1 of video games: If they name the game after you, you have super powers. Ken Griffey did not play around on this game. He made it look too easy. By the way, if you want a hit, I suggest not hitting it to the outfield. Good luck.

Batting Third, 1B: Albert Pujols MVP 2004 (PS2)
Lesson 1A: If the player's face is on the cover of the game, he most likely has super powers too. But the powers are legitimate. If you thought Bert Flex was good in real life, press the start button and check the scoreboard: it's 3-0 already.

Cleanup, RF: Reggie Jackson RBI Baseball (Nintendo)
The most feared hitter in video game history. It's like he's got a big red club in his hands. Tell the ball you're sorry before you throw it, in whatever language you speak.


He's about to ruin your life









Batting Fifth, DH Paste Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
You'll notice a heavy influence of Nintendo baseball players in this lineup. You'll also notice a heavy rain of souvenir baseballs into the left field stands.

Batting Sixth, 3B Bay Bases Loaded (Nintendo)
Bay is the other half of the Jersey mash squad. He is an exceptional outfielder by trade. But he's also a team player and has mastered the art of playing third base. How? I asked the video game programmer to change "OF" to "3B."

Batting Seventh, SS Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl (Nintendo)
Okay, so Tecmo Bowl is a football game. And Bo Jackson is a running back in the game, who has never played SS in his life. Are you going to tell him he can't play? Having Bo in the seventh spot in this lineup is sick. Sorry but it's not over yet.


Grab your glove Bo








Batting Eighth, C Mo Vaughn All Star Baseball 2000 (N64)
I've never played All Star Baseball, but I've read the destruction that big Mo brings in this game. Plus the most fun and interesting part of the team would be seeing Mo Vaughn play catcher. Somebody has to right? We might have to tweak the rules and have home plate replaced by a barbecue pit.


This is what happens when you type "Mo
Vaughn" into a google search.








Batting Ninth, 2B Chone Figgins MVP 2005 (PS2)
Weak spot in the order? Please. Chone has put up 50-60 home runs before in a season. And if someone gets hurt, he'll play that position. Doesn't matter where, he'll play it.


While many great players have been left out of this lineup, I have decided that a bench is not necessary. Plus I will only take one pitcher. You probably assume it would be the likes of Roger Clemens or Nolan Ryan from RBI Baseball. How about Pedro Martinez or Randy Johnson from any late 90's game? Nope, not happening. I want THE MOST dominating cyber-pitcher of all time.

P Jeff D'Amico Tony's Stupid Baseball Simulator (PC)
I won't even give this simulation game the luxury of being named on this website. For some reason, every year that Tony played the game, Jeff D'Amico couldn't be stopped. It was a disgrace to anyone who has ever programmed a video game. And this wasn't really a video game, you just looked at stats and managed a team while the computer simulated it for you. But if it was a real game, Jeff D'Amico would stand 8 feet tall and weigh 300 pounds. Throwing 130 MPH gas, with a knee buckling 110 MPH slider. He could eat 3 72 oz. steaks in an hour (and still have sex with the waitress for the first 45 minutes). You don't know about Jeff D'Amico until Tony loads up this game for you. But trust me, you don't want that. Want to know the one positive thing this game produced? The phrase "Gary Gaetti eats up too much money" is now in my vocabulary.


mmm, money





So you see kids, this lineup cannot be stopped. And they don't get older, or suffer from diminished skills. Whether it's 2010 or 2100, this lineup will mash and there is nothing you can do about it. Except play for second place. Bud Selig, you owe me.

My 30 second TV Review

This week’s show: How I Met Your Mother (CBS)









I stumbled upon this show on Monday night, March 27. I have seen commercials for it and know just enough to assume that it sucks. But it does star Neil Patrick Harris, famous for playing Doogie Howser 15 years ago, and the lovely Alyson Hannigan (from American Pie fame), so it brings some minor celebrity to the table. I caught How I Met Your Mother for an estimated 30 seconds. Here is a recap of what happened:

*Doogie Howser (known as Barney on the show) hooked up with a girl last night.

*Doogie Howser is too cool to call her--ever.

*Doogie Howser has her number, but refuses to give it to his friend for a charity event.

*Doogie Howser used the phrase, “Oh Snap!”

Yes that’s right, Neil Patrick Harris/Doogie/Barney is portrayed as the coolest guy on the planet. I could reveal a complicated grading system like the newspaper or TV Guide might do. But after reading the above four statements, I think your cringing says enough. It receives the Stephen A. Smith stamp of...



TEWWIBBLE!

Forget the Final Four! Here's me WrestleMania 22 predictions!

With WrestleMania coming up this Sunday, I thought I'd add some "sports entertainment" to the sports site today by giving you my prediction for the show that brought wrestling out of bingo halls and into the limelight...or at least that's what Vince McMahon would like us to believe. Anyhoo, on to the matches...!


Torrie Wilson VS Candice Michelle (Playboy Pillow Fight)
Is this really a WrestleMania match? Are they serious? This would barely be an opener for their weekly TV shows. I love seeing hot chicks undressed as much as the next guy, but dedicating even five minutes of what's supposed to be the biggest wrestling show of the year just seems like heresy. No one cares who wins.

The Boogyman VS Booker T
The incredibly talented, incredibly misused, and despite it all incredibly entertaining 5-time WCW Champ, Booker T, is taking on the Boogeyman. Booker T has that cool Scissor Kick finisher, the Book End (his version of the Rock Bottom), and the Spin-A-Roonie (I know it's not really a move, but it's still fun to watch). The Boogeyman eats worms. So obviously Boogeyman gets the nod, based on WWE's "wild new direction."

Women's Championship: Champion Trish Stratus VS Mickie James
WWE just has a thing for lesbians. In fact, this match has more build than any other match on the card. Mickie's been lusting after Trish ever since last year. And I guess when the object of your affections turns you down flat, the only alternative is to challenge her to a match at WrestleMania. I suspect Mickie will be leaving WrestleMania as the first openly gay lesbian champ. And then next Monday on RAW she'll strut to the ring with Rico and say it was all just a publicity stunt.

Tag Team Championship: Champions Kane & Big Show VS Chris Masters & Carlito
Kane and Big Show should've been huge. They were big. They were bad. They were actually mildly over. So naturally, WWE did nothing with them. Carlito and Masters are actually pretty fun as a pair of bad guys. Although, without Carlito, Masters is nothing, even though Vince is so horny for big men. The smart decision is to go with Carlito and Masters.

United States Championship: Champion Chris Benoit VS JBL
Oh how the mighty have fallen. These guys are both former World Champions. And JBL, whether I liked him or not, was champ for nearly a year. But they're last names aren't Helmsley-McMahon so they're battling for the title of second place. JBL doesn't need to be US champ. He needs to be chasing the world title. Regardless of what Benoit deserves (the World title), he'll make a better US champ than JBL. Benoit retains.

Edge VS Cactus Jack
Edge was the most over World Champion in recent history when he took the World title from Cena at the end of last year. So, naturally, they took the title back a month later. So, for Foley's annual, coming-out-of-retirment-for-WrestleMania-match, Foley takes on Edge. And Foley always loses to put over younger talent. Admirable, but Edge doesn't really need it. Edge wins.

Casket Match: Undertaker VS Mark Henry
Haven't seen a casket match since Shawn Michaels originally hurt his back. Unfortunately, this match won't be near as good. Undertaker can barely move due to age and years of punishment to his body, and Henry can't move because he's a freakin' tank. Henry's just being fed to Undertaker to continue the WrestleMania undefeated streak. Undertaker wins, but the audience will be out getting popcorn or visiting the restroom.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Lashley, Matt Hardy, Finley, Shelton Benjamin, Rob Van Dam, and Ric Flair will battle for the opportunity to have a World Title shot whenever they want. Of all the matches on the card, this one will probably be the most entertaining. Lashley and Finley have been fueding lately, and many people speculate that they'll end up fighting into the crowd and disappearing from the match altogether--which is a good thing. Benjamin is currently the Intercontinental Champ, so he doesn't need a World Title opportunity just yet. And Ric Flair never needs another World Title shot ever again. Ever. That leaves Matt Hardy and RVD--both good choices. My pick: RVD, and he'll take his shot at the next ECW: One Night Stand PPV.

No Holds Barred Match: Vince McMahon VS Shawn Michaels
No DQ Match, No Holds Barred Match, Street Fight...whatever... They can call it whatever they like. It'll still suck. Shawn will win, and no one will care.

World Heavyweight Championship: Champion Kurt Angle VS Randy Orton VS Rey Mysterio
Mysterio won the Royal Rumble to gain a title shot at WrestleMania's main event. But his last name isn't McMahon-Helmsley, and neither are his opponents', so they're not in the Main Event. I have a hunch Rey will win his first World Championship. But they'll probably make him lose it to Orton a month later.

WWE Championship: Champion John Cena VS HHH
Yes, there are 2 world titles. It's because there are supposed to be two seperate "brands." Yes, it's very stupid. Hunter is married to Stephanie McMahon, and yes, it has everything to do with why he's always the champ and always in the Main Event. Trips wins after the almighty Pedigree. And the audience will groan for the tenth time.

1 Fact About Tony Pellegrino

Tony Pellegrino sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Tony roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Getting the dirt on Adam Morrison's upper lip

With the NCAA mens basketball tournament less than 2 days away, Bertflex's big sandwich sat down with Adam Morrison's moustache, or whatever the hell you want to call it, looking to get its perspective of the past year and what the future holds for this dynamic duo.


Sandwich - There has been lots of speculation among Berflex's writing staff that you are merely dirt on Adam's upper lip. Any comment?

stache - Listen, not everybody can be Tom Selleck. As you can see I am actual hair, and I don't appreciate your disrespectful assumption.

Sandwich - I just want everyone to know the truth.....uh.....sorry, I didn't get your name.

stache - Julius

Sandwich - Julius, could you describe your relationship with Adam?

Julius - Without a doubt I am "the" reason for any of that cracker's success! Just like Sampson's hair gave him super strength, I give Adam his "game". We first teamed up one weekend about 4 years ago when he went on a camping trip and didn't shave for like 5 days. I convinced him that I could bring him fame and donuts. That boy loves donuts.

Sandwich - By the way, where is Adam?

Julius - He's probably listening to his hair grow. Hell I don't know, that kid zones out a lot. I'm pretty sure his parents used to tour with the Dead.

Sandwich - With all of the "player of the year" talk and media coverage you must get a lot of female admirers and groupies.

Julius - Most of the chicks that go to Gonzaga could probably be our mascot. I really look forward to road games, especially the tournament since we're going to Oakland. Adam is an ugly sumbitch, but once a girl stares into my confusing and sparse hair pattern she gets hypnotized, it's like a deer caught in the headlights. Don't tell him this, but I'm only using him until I can get my porn career off the ground. Moustache ride ladies?

Sandwich - What does Julius do in his down time?

Julius - When I'm not reminding Adam to square his shoulders before he shoots, I like to listen to old Barry White records backwards to see if there are any hidden messages, I also like to cook sauerkraut and throw it on old people.

Sandwich - Good luck in the tournament.

Julius - Why is there a plastic parrot on your shoulder?

REAL NEWS: Girl Touches Schorr for 5 Bucks

Most of the members on the Bert Flex squad have taken a written "bashing" at one point or another so far (mostly coming from me; I'm a jerk...that's what I do). But one of the non STL-area writers has gotten off relatively easy so far, Hollywood, aka Matt Schorr.

That is until now.

The date: Saturday night, March 4, 2006. The event: East Prairie, MO Fire Department fundraiser, featuring a special Gateway Championship Wrestling event. The result: Matt realizes an easy way to get an attractive female to talk to him is to pay her $5.

On Saturday, Matt (native of Mayfield, KY) and I went to East Prairie to meet an old friend of mine who lives down there now. The three of us are dorks who have followed pro wrestling for a while and have seen GCW shows in the past. My friend Jeff works with the EP Fire Department and helped set up this fundraiser for the past couple months. I decided to help a brotha out and asked if Matt wanted to go too. After clearing his busy schedule to go watch some rasslin', the fun was about to begin.

Early in the day we noticed this lovely young woman helping set up with the rest of the ring crew hours before the show. There is not a lot of "talent" in the small small town of East Prairie, so she stood out a little more. Later during the show, she appeared as a valet in a match, with her character being a "bitch" to the fans as she called it. During the intermission, Matt's big moment arrived. The Dirty Old Man Gods spoke to us from the heavens and instructed Matt to take advantage of this golden opportunity.

It was during this break where all fans had the opportunity of posing with one of the GCW wrestlers for a picture. Not just any picture--a Polaroid! Yes they are still around, we have evidence below. But here's the catch, each Polaroid (typical value: about 5-10 cents) was going to cost you $5.

After minimal interest from the fans (probably about 2 pics were taken with the male wrestlers), the same ring girl/valet came out to sign autographs (yes I'm serious) and speak to the fans that she just pissed off because of her "heel" status!

After much debate from the trio of myself, Matt, and Jeff, we decided that although she looked young, she had to be at least 18. After a little persuasion, Matt stepped up to the plate and decided get that precious moment captured on Polaroid. The resulting picture is great, given the fact that Matt was mad that he didn't shave earlier in the day and looks slightly creepier than normal. Toss in a soda cup toast, huge grin, and we've got ourselves a winner:

For the record her name is Tiffany, and she took pictures with about 10 or so other guys after Matt set the trend. Photographic evidence shows that she was pretty into Matt, in comparison to the others.

I'll actually give Matt kudos on this one. He took one for the team by giving up $5 for the picture and the opportunity to talk to an actual living and breathing woman. Hopefully he won't make a habit of paying ladies to talk to him, but there are no guarantees of that. All in all, this story shows that deep down, Matt is perverted like the rest of us, and on his way to the well-populated city of Dirty Old Manville, not to be confused with Arnold.

BertFlex.com

Just a note to let everyone know that the domain name bertflex.com has been purchased and now points to our humble blog. It is no longer necessary to type the blogspot part, BERTFLEX.COM is alive, bitches!

I will also be working on a site redesign between now and THE WEEKEND so if you have ideas on what we can do better, talk to me. I'd like to start the Top 5 lists we've talked about in the past so if someone wants to step up on that, let me know. If you have good pics that should be on the Photo Gallery, send them to me.

To commemorate this event, BertFlex.com jerseys have been ordered! They are '80's style pullover Batting Practice jerseys, navy blue with red and white trim, white BertFlex.com on the front and #5 on the back. No lettering on the back so that also means no personalization. Hopefully they will be available at THE WEEKEND. (I'm paying extra for a rush so don't let me down Johnny Mac's)

The price will be $20, except for Josh and his XXL which costs $22. (I call this the "Fat Tax." Don't get mad Josh, I used to have to pay the Fat Tax too.) We have 13 on order (2 M, 2 L, 7 XL, 2 XXL) so reserve yours now. The style of jersey we're getting can be seen on the left. Get Pumped!