Hazelwood Mayor Tells Ford: " Don't Be Hatin' "

If you did not hear the news yesterday, Governor Matt Blunt, St. Louis County Executive Charlie Dooley and Hazelwood Mayor T.R. Carr made a little road trip up to Dearborn, Michigan.

The Mission? To punk out Ford for jerking around the city of Hazelwood for a couple years now.

The media will tell you that the trio of politicians went "to try and persuade Ford Motor Company to keep the plant in Hazelwood open," by using fancy powerpoint presentations and laser pointers. But NO, this did not actually happen. Being a Hazelwood Insider, I had the pleasure of getting the scoop of what really went down in Michigan.

9am Central Standard Time, Thursday January 5th.

The Hazelwood representatives kick down the door to Anne Stevens' office. She is Ford's executive vice president and chief operating officer for the Americas.



"CHARLIE DOOLAAYYYYY!"





1) Hazelwood Mayor T.R. Carr tells Stevens, "I got 99 problems, and you are a bitch! You know what you're doing to Hazelwood is wrong. Don't turn your back on us, we is crazy! We ain't afraid to go to jail! Ashy Carr-y, Lindbergh projects what, Son?"

2) Dooley added, "Maybe if you didn't have to pay Toby Keith billions of dollars to sing about your trucks, you'd have some more money. I ought to whoop yo ass right now for lookin' at me that way. This is how we do it back in the U-City, man (suddenly Dooley breaks out some kung fu on her).

3) If that wasn't enough, Matt Blunt pulls out a wiffleball bat and puts some sunglasses on. He starts walking in slow motion over to her desk (because it looks cooler that way). "It's plain and simple, yo. We don't need you. If you want to bail out, then get the f--- out. I'm Matt Blunt, that's something you don't understand. I don't like tax cuttin, but I do like throat cuttin. Hazelwood is the home of BigFoot. Think they need yo' punk asses?" After whapping her over the head with the wiffleball bat, Blunt declared: "I'm OUT!"


So you can see that our local politicians got their point across quite well yesterday at the home of Ford. The moral of the story? Ford we don't need you. If you want to stick around, that's great. It'll save 1400 jobs. But if you don't want to stay in the Hizzle, we'll move on to something else. You need to make up your mind and quit sucking.

Either way, we plan on kicking Toby Keith's ass.


It'll Be A Wife-Beatin' Good Time