Cardinals Post-Game = Gold

Earlier this season, we all had a good laugh making fun of Jack Clark's girth on the Cardinals' Post-Game show. A few days later, the ML talked about Pat Parris' fake tan (I swear I saw him walk into the Tan Co. next door to my building the other day). After that, we ran up the score by poking more fun at the beefy-ness of Jack the Ripper. At that point, I vowed to quit taking pictures of my TV while the Post-Game Show was on. Then 80s Night happened (coincidentally on a Sunday afternoon).

After that I said to myself, "Seriously - no more making fun of the Post-Game Show. The joke has run its course."

But around the 7th or 8th inning of last night's game, Pat, Dan, Al, and Jimmy the Cat teased the fact that Ricky Horton would be travelling into the future - the year 2028 - and let us know what's in store for the Cardinals over the next 20 years.

My camera phone was immediately placed in the charger. No way I was missing that shit.

Behold, Ricky Horton's report from the year 2028:

Sweet graphics, there's no way this is going to disappoint. We start out with Ricky wearing his Ray-Ban glasses and some kind of silver outfit. Apparently, that will be the style. I hope Pat Parris likes his job, because after this, he'll never get a better one. Ricky goes on to mention that the Cubs win the World Series, but have been cursed for the 19 years since (remember, he's 20 years ahead of us). The Cardinals win the World Series in 2013, 2015, and 2020 (I might have been off on that last one by a year or two, as it was hard to hear over my own groaning. But he did say three WS trophies are coming to town. Now you know when to buy season tickets.) Let's just go on a journey throughout the entire segment:

















Wait, what the hell is that in the background? Oh, naturally it's Alf.

Really, Alf. In 2028. Here's a better look:



And luckily the segment finally ended. Here's where Ricky should have said, "Pat, it looks like your dignity and credibility was taken away on September 2nd, 2008. Hmm, wonder what happened?"



I'm pretty sure that Horton woke up at 7 am Tuesday, and used the entire day to write his script. Throughout the rant, Horton talked about Pujols going into the Hall of Fame (whoa, who saw that coming?), Brett Wallace being a better player than Colby Rasmus (who turned into a Van Slyke/Todd Zeile-type player...yuck), LaRussa managing for an absurd 12 more years, somehow Red Shoendienst still being alive to be an interim manager, then Mike Matheny taking over, new rule changes in baseball (the AL using 2 DH's - probably the only actual funny part, while the rest was just sad), and something about the new "baseball scandal" being eye replacements around the early 20's.

Ugh.

So if you decided to go to bed late in the game, or right afterwards, you're welcome. We'll always take one for the team. Actually, the Post-Game Show has become more exciting than the game itself.

And a future warning to FSN: you might think only a few stoners are awake to watch you guys, but one of them will always be me, ready to pull the trigger on my trusty camera phone.

Also, how do we get a hold of "Future Ricky" and Alf? They need to be at our next party.